Friday, August 29, 2008

"Rodger's going to say you don't need a 3rd Birkin"

God, I have that same problem! Frank's all "quit buying $16,000 handbags!" Why does he have to be such a wet blanket? I guess the difference between Rachel Zoe and me is that she makes $6000 a day (read it here) and I . . . don't. Rodger, chill out and get on that gravy train, okay?

I didn't know that Givenchy was pronounced "Jhee vahn shee." Did you? We are going to learn so much from this show, you guys!

I can already hear myself speaking in her quasi-Valley Girl way: "I DIED!" and "Rodger is mah. LIFE!" Excuse me while I transform myself into a toothpick and buy a "Birk" because I LOVE THIS BITCH.

Show premieres September 9.

(People using a reader, click on through for a video full of outlandish spending and beautiful clothes/accessories that we can only dream of wearing)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

A Comeuppance

Sorry it's been lame over here lately. CNN asked me to cover the DNC for them, and I've been so busy being all "politico" that I simply have had no time to blog.*

But when someone tipped me off to a little bit of RHNYC scandal, I rushed out of my interview with Hillary to bring you this breaking news from Page 6:

IT'S too bad video cameras for "The Real Housewives of NYC" weren't trained on the reality show's cast member Countess LuAnn de Lesseps at the Southampton wedding of BlueStar Jets owner Todd Rome and his bride, Vanessa Brahms.

In front of 200 guests at Nello Summertimes last Thursday, the high-spirited countess commandeered the mike from Andy Hilfiger's band and sang two songs. "She knocked over the drum set while smiling at the horrified guests," a source said.

Then, LuAnn, who was there with her husband, Alexandre Count de Lessups, seemed overwhelmed with affection for her fellow guests. "She was trying to make out with women and married men," the source said. "A pregnant wife caught her in the act, stormed off and walked home in disgust."

Alexandre "tried to make her leave and was seen throwing her to the ground in the parking lot," our spy continued.

"She wasn't just kissing the married men, she was also grabbing their [crotches]," another witness told The Post's Braden Keil, adding that one male victim was the escort of one of her TV co-stars.

LuAnn and her husband angrily denied the alleged raucous behavior. "None of it is true. My husband was with me the entire time," the countess fumed. Alexandre added, "This sounds like a plot." He also denied shoving her, saying, "She tripped with her high heels in the parking lot of Nello's. It is gravel, not hard ground. I nearly fell."

Todd Rome told us, "At these parties, people always get frisky. All I can say is that she didn't try to grab me."

A few weeks ago, the countess caused a scene at Manor Lounge in Chicago by warbling an over-the-top, Marilyn Monroe-style "Happy Birthday" to a complete stranger, "and the birthday boy was not amused," a source said. That didn't happen either, insisted the countess.

NICE! I'm thinking that The Countess' book on manners will include a chapter on "Crotch-Grabbing: Only When You're Shit-Faced" and also, a section co-written by Ramoner, "Why Own Up to Your Crappy Behavior When You Can Deny and Make Paranoid Accusations?" Looking forward to that!

*Okay, okay, big lie. I have actually been lying in my bed, having imaginary conversations with Jeff Lewis and eating cookie dough. At least I'm not drunkenly doing my Marilyn Monroe act for complete strangers. Yet.

Monday, August 25, 2008

For now,

I miss him so.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

When you preach about healthy living...

it always comes back to bite you in the abs.

Photo from Jackie Warner's 40th birthday party via dlisted. Thanks to Jimmy O for alerting me to it.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I spy a nipple!

Simon's! {shudder}

And yes, Alex is wearing some sort of see-through getup. Apparently they were at National Underwear Day's underwear/lingerie runway show (I am not even kidding you--verify it here). They're movin' on up, yo!

You know that Simon worked on this outfit for days, calling Alex at work, asking "what about the pants, mon cheri? I'm standing here in your animal print Cavallis and they're just not working. My pink jeans? Brilliant! It will bring out the color of my rosy nipples."

Incidentally, Alex and Simon are posing with the cast of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. The NJ ladies all look slightly embarrassed except for the one on the far right, who's thinking "Nice pants! Badda bing!"

Monday, August 18, 2008

More Money, More Problems

UPDATED: Rachel Zoe premieres September 9.

I'm WAY behind on my reality tv watching (back off! I have to compromise a little for the sake of my marriage, okay?), but last night I was able to catch up a bit. I watched the previews for both Real Housewives of Atlanta* and The Rachel Zoe Project. Here are my impressions:

1. The Real Housewives of Atlanta left me feeling completely empty on the inside, which was strange because I have an unusually high tolerance for really shitty tv. I'm wondering if the Real Housewives concept has played out? These women seem intent on nothing but escalating the spending and drama from previous seasons, and everything--including the personalities--is just crazy over-the-top excessive. Almost all of cast members are portraying themselves as exaggerated stereotypes: there's The White Trashy Barbie-Haired Lady Who's Dating a Rich Old Geezer, The Loud Flailing Black Lady, and The Black Diva Bitch Lady. (Deep question: if this is who they really are, then is it a stereotype?) The other two women are married to professional athletes and have waaaay too much money and over-decorated houses and this hurts my eyes. For a more in-depth and witty description of them, please go here.

I'm sorry Bravo, but I may not be able to get on board with this. I'll give it my best shot, but watching this show may not be in the best interests of my Chi.

Moving on . . .


I know! No one is more shocked than I! I had always thought she was just an anorexic sourpuss drug addict, but that is not AT ALL the impression I had last night.

While I've seen Rachel Zoe on Project Runway and in still photos (mostly on Perez and dlisted), I've never seen her in action. She's this teensy tiny person who is loaded down with hair and sunglasses and rings and fur and flowy outfits and she's pretty effing fabulous. She's passionate about her work in a very sweet and refreshing way; she handles stress without going apeshit (are you listening, Jeff Lewis?), and she has wrinkles (just like me!) (but they don't look bad on her because she's so freaking awesome). For the record, I am concerned about her weight and I reserve the right to counsel her on that.

I am jumpy with excitement for this show; stay tuned for a heads-up on when it airs.

Let's hear it: did you watch the preview shows? ( I know they aired about a month ago! Jesus!) What did you think?

*There's no mention of this show on Bravo's website, and my secret source tells me that it's because the show has been pushed back to October.

Friday, August 15, 2008

The battle of the jumpsuits!

Who would have guessed that ass-tastic Kim Kardashian and the arrogant Countess from Real Housewives of NYC have the same taste in clothing?! Here they are, in the same Stella McCartney jumpsuit at two separate events. So, I shall ask the age-old Us Weekly question, who wore it better? Is the answer as obvious as as I think it is?

Speaking of bony chests vs. boner-inducing chests, I think we all need to band together and nominate this J Crew model to be on Intervention.

Seriously, how is she not buckling under the weight of her clothes? Gross. Shame on you, J Crew.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

"Yes, I'm still an a-hole, but . . . I think I'm a likable, maybe even loveable a-hole."

Jeff Lewis, I swear to God, you were looking DIRECTLY AT ME when you made this statement. It's okay to admit it, honey. You are likable and lovable, and I'd like to think that it is because of the guidance and unconditional love that I've given you over the internet this season. It's truly been so rewarding for me.

Everyone! (brisk clap clap) Listen up. The Flipping Out Season 2 reunion was the best fucking reunion show ever in the history of the world. If you haven't watched it, then I strongly urge you to drop everything right now and do so. If you didn't dvr it or don't have cable, well then you need to come over to my house immediately. If you are too far away, or you don't want to hear me squealing and clapping the whole time, then email me and I will somehow make a bootleg for you. IT'S THAT GOOD.

Even though this recap will not do the show justice, I'm going to do it anyway, just so we can relive the whole magical experience together.

1. It's just Jeff and Andy Cohen at the outset and Andy's talking about how most people think Jeff's a "little bit of a bastard" this season more than last season. Jeff's shocked and says that he thinks he's "less of an a-hole." I agree! Then Jeff says the "I'm a likable a-hole" quote and I am delighted to no end to hear the word "a-hole" come from those plump lips (to be clear, he did not say asshole, he said a-hole. LOVE).

2. Andy asks him about his "beauty regimen." Jeff says that people compare him to American Psycho (I can see that) but that he is no longer obsessed with his looks. He's "working on letting go" and says he hasn't had Botox in 12 months. DUDE, he's totally in a twelve-step program for Botox addiction!

FYI, Jeff looks as handsome as ever.

So what does Jeff do to maintain his looks? He works out and he "manscapes." He says that he attracts better people when he doesn't fuss so much about his looks. Then he says "it's not just the people who are transitioning who are attracted to me," and while I was all "what the fuck does that mean?" Andy almost tips over in his chair! He was in a chair and tipping back and he comes close to cracking his head open. Pretty awesome.

3. MAJOR BIG UPS to Andy for following up with "how extensive is your manscaping?" and there is DEFINITE flirtation here. At this point, everyone who's watching cannot stop thinking (fantasizing) about Jeff's pubic area, but instead he talks about his armpit hair and how he likes to keep it short. Jeff almost "goes there" but stops himself. Dammit!

4. Andy says that a viewer emailed and described Jeff as the best looking man on tv. Does Jeff agree? "Yes," he answers without skipping a beat. "Who's your competition?" Andy asks. Jeff thinks for a moment. "No one--I'm just so far ahead." This is why you need to watch this show with your own eyes; the man is a comedic genius!

Andy asks whether Jeff is still on anti-depressants. Jeff reports that no, he isn't, "just the occasional Viagra and that's it." HA! Of course, after this comment Jeff has to admit for the first time in his life, "I'm kidding!" I knew you were kidding, Jeff, because why would you need Viagra when you're getting a boner from all of the sexy talk and tension with Andy!?

5. Andy's asking Jeff a question and Jeff starts putting something on his lips. Once again, Andy stops and says "what's happening with the lipstick?" Jeff flirts back, "it's not lipstick, it's Chapstick." IT IS ALL DELICIOUSLY SEXUAL.

6. Jenni comes on and I think she has lipgloss on her teeth? I wish someone would have told her. Anyhow, blah blah blah about the deal with Chris Elwood. Nothing new, but Jenni looks fabulous and Chris Elwood will never get another girl that hott (or funny and smart).

Photo via More Ways to Waste Time

Another precious moment: Jeff says "Jeff from Los Angeles" (he's making fun of Andy's viewer questions) "would like to know, now that you've taken time out . . . were you happy [in the marriage]?" Jenni doesn't really answer, and Jeff says, "I'll interview you!" Jenni looks skeptical and says "no, we need Andy because he won't start terrorizing me two questions from now." Score one for Jenni!

Jeff goes on to say that as "emotionally limited" (!!!) as he is, he's really tried to be there for Jenni. Jenni asks for a hug. Jeff squirms and tries to get out of it, but they HUG and he is truly a gifted hugger. Who knew? It was intimate and firm and warm--just like I'd imagine his butt to be. What? Oh yeah. Then comes the best part of the show, when Jeff is mid-hug and mutters "I'm gonna get an erection." Jenni yanks herself away with an "ewwwwww," but everyone is cracking up.

You will not want to make jokes when you hug me, Jeff Lewis. No sir. You will want to hug me for hours on end, so restorative are my embraces. (And p.s., don't worry about erections; I will be totally professional about it).

7. Andy (or some viewer) asks whether Jenni's "gay husband" relationship with Jeff will hurt her chances at getting a new man. Jeff interjects, "I try not to cockblock when we go out." OMFG! Cockblock is secretly my favorite word ever, and to hear it out of Jeff's mouth makes me weak in the knees.

8. Andy asks if Jeff is dating, and Jeff says yes. Anyone in particular? Jeff doesn't answer but says coquettishly, "I'm dating." They SO want each other! Jenni's not dating at all. She's still hurting, my darlings. SGM can see it.

9. Jeff requests that Jenni do her famous Bob Saget rap. She does, and Jeff is amused. Andy asks if she's met Julia Louis Dreyfus, and she says no but that she considers it a compliment to be told that she resembles her. Jeff remarks that he's been told he looks like Lisa Rinna and Priscilla Presley. AWESOME.

10. Zoila joins Jeff and Jenni. Watch the best parts here. Jeff's been teaching her about Tila Tequila and "My Milkshakes Bring All the Boys to the Yard." There's also a really funny part where Andy asks if she's getting recognized and then Zoila goes into big-time flirtation mode with him. Andy must have been putting out some major pheromones that day!

11. Before Ryan comes on, a new clip from Ryan's party is shown--Jeff is getting OWNED by Ryan's assistant Christiane in Quarters and he is full-on drunk. Jeff Lewis out of control? Beautiful.

12. Ryan's on. Andy asks which celeb's house they'd like to renovate. Jeff whispers to Ryan, and then shyly admits that it's Kathy Griffin's. He and Kathy have "recently become friends," he adds. I approve, Jeff! I love the idea of a friendship with Kathy.

13. There is this whole big thing about RYAN'S HAIR and how awful it was this season.

Ryan talks about how when he cut it, everyone said "whew, I'm so glad you cut your hair--it looked terrible!" Ryan complained that no one told him how bad it was when he actually had the bad hairstyle (WRONG, by the way--I did). Andy gets a zinger in when he asks Ryan if that's what happened when Ryan broke up with Jeff. The ever-tactful Ryan laughs and says he's blocked that period out.

14. CHLOE'S BIOLOGICAL DAD--I know that many of you have asked about this, and Andy addressed it. Turns out that Ryan and his partner both contributed sperm to the surrogate ("a sperm cocktail," so to speak), so it could be either one of them. Both dads are listed on the birth certificate. (but Ryan knows! I could tell from his face.)

15. The "bad baby" scene is discussed and Ryan put an end to that game after Chloe started playing "bad baby" at a restaurant. I warned you, Ryan! Ryan, in defense of Jeff, did say that the cameras did not show Chloe laughing hysterically when Jeff threw the baby down. Jeff's new trick for Chloe is to have her lift up her shirt and say "girls gone wild!" As a parent, I do not approve, but as a person with a sick sense of humor, I think that's really fucking funny.

16. Andy asks Jeff about whether he would consider having children. Someday, he says. Ryan says he'd make a great father. Anyone out there want to be his surrogate? Anon?

17. Jeff and Ryan are asked if they would ever take jobs in other cities. They both say yes. Jeff, you'd better pray that I never win the lottery because I will make you my renovation SLAVE.

18. This is SO LONG, and I'm sorry.

19. Jeff reports that Jett's still around. He says that it's so amazing how Jett completes everything on the list with time to spare and with no complaints. For the record, I don't believe a word of it; it's just a dig at Chris K who's not there to defend himself.

Jeff talks about how Zoila sexually harasses Jett with innuendo. Jeff calls her a "Nicaraguan cougar." Sweet Jesus!

The End.

It was truly wonderful, so for the love of God, please watch it and then come back to gossip. Thank you for loving this show with me!

UPDATE ON THE ZOILA PORTRAIT AUCTION: Current bid is $2550. The auction ends next Tuesday, so there's plenty of time for all of us to earn a couple extra Gs and buy that thing. Come on, do it!

You're alright in my book, Andy Cohen

Andy Cohen hosts all of the Bravo reunions as of late. I've never been terribly impressed with him; he's not quick on his feet, he's too ingratiating and just kind of . . . meh. Of course, my feelings could be influenced by the fact that I want his job. My reunion shows would be bloodbaths! I'd be all "sit your ass DOWN, Ramoner" and "Jeff, chill the fuck out, brother!" Well, maybe not. They both scare the bejeezus out of me. I'd probably run off the set crying before they even had a chance to speak.

Anyway, I recently ran across Andy Cohen's coming out story, and it was so endearing that I've changed my mind about him. It's in two parts, but you only really need to watch the first one.* Then comment about your favorite part, would you? I need to talk about this with someone!

Ryan Brown also has a coming out video (a good one, but we already know that Ryan's emotionally healthy and naturally, his parents are too) and there's one from Tim Gunn (holla at your boy) that's worth watching.

Don't you DARE forget that the Flipping Out reunion is tonight, as well as the Zoila portrait auction. See you tomorrow, when we will pick it all apart together!

*Warning--I couldn't watch this in Firefox, so you might need to open Explorer for this (which is a HUGE pain in the ass, I know, but just do it). Reader-users, click on through!

Monday, August 11, 2008

The One and Only Chris Keslar

Remember when I offered Chris Keslar from Flipping Out some free life coaching? He took me up on it, and after a brief consultation, I determined that it would be more appropriate for him to be my life coach. Seriously, I can't say enough good things about Chris--he's intelligent, funny, incredibly gracious and unpretentious. And of course, HEL-LO on the style. Yes, my head is way up his ass, but I'm trying to tell you that he deserves it. Wait. That came out a little weird. What I'm trying to say is that he is worthy, oh so worthy, of the love we have been giving him this season.

He kindly agreed to answer some ridiculously shallow (and one or two serious) questions for me. Be prepared to like him even more.

Let's get down to business. I know you watch Real Housewives. Are you partial to East Coast or West? Who do you love to hate--or love to love?

Ooooh, this is a tough one. Being from the East Coast, I'm gonna have to go with my New York gals. 'The Real Housewives of New York City' is such a fascinating study in the hierarchy of class structure. The Orange County women are all pretty much in the same place in terms of their station in their community. Whereas, The NYC women are all at different echelons within New York society, albeit small ones. I think seeing them trying to navigate their different stations is what is so fun - they all call each other out for trying to step out of their stations. Hands down, I am most intrigued by Jena's life and storyline out of the OC housewives (although I do love me some Vicki). Her life and what she's accomplished is pretty impressive. I love how nothing seems to really emotionally affect her, but you know, down deep, there's a lot going on. Out of the New York ladies, I would LOVE to get to know Jill. I just love her interactions with Allie and how much she cares for her family. Her big heart and willingness to help anyone totally endear her to me. You just know that no matter what you're doing with Jill, you're gonna have a good ass time.

You are the nattiest dresser on tv. What do you splurge on? What do you scrimp on? Favorite place to shop?

SGM, it's questions like these that make all the boys love you so! Believe it or not, I'm not a big splurger when it comes to clothes. I grew up the youngest of three kids in a single parent home, so it's always been about the bargains! Shopping for me is about the hunt - finding that perfect piece and getting a deal on it. That's the high for me. It's hard to pay full price when I know it will go down significantly in three weeks.

Having said that, when splurges happen ('cuz let's get real - I'm a gay living in West Hollywood - my resistance to splurging is bound to break down) they usually revolve around accessories. I'm a firm believer that everyone should own an expensive pair of sunglasses. I'm sure there are those of you out there muttering to yourself, "But, I always lose them or break them!" Trust me, when you shell out $300+ bucks for sunglasses - Bitch, you're gonna take care of them! I won't hesitate to splurge on an item if I know it will become a wardrobe staple, like a watch or a one of a kind ring. Oh, and a good cologne knows no price limit. I think a distinctive scent is very essential. I am currently in love with this Sandalwood scent from Geo F. Trumper. Amaaaaazing.

My favorite place to shop, if I had to pick one place, would be J. Crew. It has the best selection of basics for guys. I think any person's wardrobe, male or female, should be about the basics. J. Crew caters to the East Coast boy in me without breaking the bank.

Are you continuing to pursue a career in real estate and/or design?

I'm still mulling this one over. Right after I left Jeff's, I applied to Parsons for their Associates Program in Interior Design. I was granted admission, but have deferred until the spring to make sure that it is something that I really want to invest the money in. This summer, I've been working as a set decorator on a short film. Pretty much like home staging, just on set! Since the show has aired, I've had interest from some designers in having me work for them, but I'm still exploring those options.

Who are your favorite interior designers?

Shelton, Mindel & Associates

They blend classic and modern elements seamlessly. I'd die to live in a home designed by them. (They also did the international headquarters for Polo/Ralph Lauren. Un-freaking-believable.)

Francis Fleetwood.

His style is out of this world and really appeals to the East Coaster in me. This room personifies everything I could ever want in a living room:

If any woman could turn Jeff straight, do you think it would be me?

Does this question even warrant a response? Of course the feminine wiles of the one and only Ms. SGM would turn the Lewis straight! Who can resist her charms, I ask you? WHO?

We know your sister Angela (and your sweet mama Darlene) from Project Runway. Are you watching this season? Who do you like?

I'm totally watching this season like the good little Bravo addict that I am. The first thing that kinda shocked me this season is how young the majority of the designers are. Why are most of them in their 20's? It seems like Bravo is trying to skew younger which makes me wary (did you hear that they're casting for some 'Laguna Beach' type show in the OC? Yikes!)

Anyways, to be successful on Project Runway, I think the contestants need to have that mix of real talent and personality that can carry them through - they have to be watchable and interesting. For that reason, I really like Kenley this season. So far, her work has been sharp, clean and classic. And judging from last week when she won, girl isn't afraid to take a chance! Plus, she puts herself together exceptionally well - her updated pin-up girl look works for her and it sticks in your head. I also like Kelli and was really sad to see Wesley go. Judging by his personal style, he is obviously a great designer.

TV shows that you watch?

Real TV: Swingtown (best show on TV), Gossip Girl, Weeds, The L Word, 30 Rock, The Office, Tell Me You Love Me, Entourage, Anderson Cooper 360, Larry King Live.

Reality TV: America's Next Top Model (a master class in reality television), Legally Blonde: The Search for the Next Elle Woods, Amazing Race, The Biggest Loser, Housewives, Runway, Workout (confession: I just couldn't get through Season 3 ... oy!) Top Chef, American Idol (although I don't think I can get through another season), The Real World (I can't believe I just admitted that) and Date My Ex: Jo and Slade (Psych! Even I have standards!)

When you picked up Jeff's 140 degree lattes, what did you get for yourself?

First of all, the workers at the Starbucks we went to in Los Feliz were SAINTS. Here's how the order went down everyday, regardless of who was at the counter:

ME: Hi! I'd like a grande, non-fat, no foam latte at 140 degrees for Jeff. And could you please write Jeff on the cup? And make sure there's no foam on it. Thanks. Next, I'd like a grande non-fat, no foam latte, normal temperature for Jenni. And could you write her name on the cup? Thanks! And for me, I'd like a venti, non-fat, no foam latte. Normal temp is fine.

BARISTA: Your name?

ME: My name is Chris. Thanks!

Somedays, there would be variations to the order. For instance, sometimes Jenni would only get a tall latte. Or sometimes she would get a non-fat, no foam, green tea latte with only two pumps of melon syrup. And some days, Zoila would get a breakfast sandwich. But, we usually kept that secret from Jeff. ;)

Any parting words about your Flipping Out experience?

I still miss Oliver a whole heck of a lot. Best. Dang. Dog. Ever.

I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to work for Jeff and to see the inner workings of his world and of his business. I have no regrets and will always look back on that period of my life with fondness. Like I said in my blog, I started with a smile and ended with a smile.

It's ALL good.


Indeed it is. Thank you, Chris. You can read more about his Flipping Out experience here.

(So, how about that coffee order?! Who knew Jeff was so opposed to foam? And the incisive sociological breakdown of Real Housewives? Let's discuss!)

Friday, August 8, 2008

The crown jewel of your art collection

Big news, Team Zoila! The infamous portrait is going to be auctioned off at and Zoila will receive all of the proceeds. Bidding starts on Tuesday at 9pm eastern, so get your clickers ready. Note to the artist: I think you should have prints made. Or wallpaper! Commemorative plates! You'd be rich.

If this painting doesn't fit your budget, check out the "Don't bite me, Jeff" and "no onions no onions" t-shirts, also available at on Tuesday.

Here's a clip from the reunion, which happens to take place at Ryan's. Check out: Z's glam lipgloss, her desire for a sexy portrait, and Jeff's gauntness (he needs to eat more guacamole). Seriously, Jeff! I am concerned.

xoxo, hookers! Behave yourselves this weekend.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

"I really think you're awful"

AWFUL HOT! Woooo! Just kidding. The quote above is from Linda, Jeff's realtor, who calls him on his shitty behavior. Guess what? Jeff backs down! Fascinating. There are definitely some mother issues here.

I've been dragging my feet with this recap. I hate to see it all end! Here is Part II of the season finale of Flipping Out.

1. Jenni and Ryan are at Jeff's talking about interview questions for the new assistant. "We need someone who's insensitive," he tells Jenni and asks if she put that on the Craigslist ad. Wouldn't you have loved to read that ad? "Wanted: insensitive masochist who will steal avocados, take the bus and torture workers at Starbucks with insane latte orders. Normal people need not apply."

Back to the meeting--Ryan tells Jeff "what we in our weird jacked-up world think is funny because we've been around you so long, most people don't find funny. They find it really offensive. Here's a good question [for the interview]: 'do you mind being verbally abused?'"

Then Jeff pipes up, "and degraded."

Ha ha . . . oh wait. He's being serious. Then Jenni brings up another interview question: "when you're right, is it okay if you're still wrong?"

Then Ryan tells the camera what we have known for quite some time: "I really honestly believe that no one will ever be able to do the job that Jeff wants them to do. Unless they have had a lobotomy and are completely numb." I wonder what led him to that conclusion? Maybe the emotionally bloodied and beaten assistants left in Jeff's wake? Jesus.

2. Encino. It's all finished and everyone is thrilled with the results. We are given a before and after tour of Lorie's house (she did get her crown molding after all) and . . . DROOL. The colors! That awning! THE KITCHEN. Lorie, you are so lucky! Lucky lady lucky lady! Jeff and Lorie are in Erin's pink bathroom, and Jeff confirms "she's happy?" He really had his cage rattled by that kid. I think maybe she should be his new assistant.

Jeff and Lorie are in a bedroom discussing details and Lorie pulls out a picture of her twins. "You want to see something cute even though you don't like them? This is their first day on earth. Come on," she coos. Jeff is clearly uncomfortable and and says "okay, let's stay focussed and start talking about the house."

"Just say they're cute," insists Lorie.

"They're really cute. You have really cute kids," he says quickly as he walks out of the room. But he has a little smile on his face. He loves Lorie. Jeff tells the camera that he didn't make a ton of money off of this project, but if he could find more clients like her, he'd do more remodels. Aw!

Then we see Jeff sitting in Lorie's family room shoving Goldfish into his maw while he does some paperwork. "Make yourself at home,"she says to him in a sarcastic voice and he stops mid-shove. Jenni says, "did he ask you if he could eat those?"

"No," Lorie replies. Jeff shrugs and resumes chewing. Lorie, I think you've found your Bravo gay husband! I'm gonna miss you, girl.

3. A person named Jett interviews for the house manager position. You can see it here, so I'll just hit the high points. First Jeff asks how old Jett is. Jeff, that IS an illegal question. Looks like Jett already has grounds for a lawsuit and he hasn't even been hired yet. Cool.

Jeff tells the camera that his assistants, "first and foremost . . . must be attractive." I'm not so sure that's a joke, which is fine by me. I like a little eye candy with my reality tv. Jeff explains to Jett that he is VERY VERY VERY particular. Yes, he did use three "very"s. I think maybe one hundred (thousand) would have been more accurate.

When Jett says "I'm really laid back, I'm up for anything," you can see the evil little wheels turning in Jeff's head. I swear to God he was envisioning Jett coming to work like this:

But I was wrong. Jeff was just thinking about the time that someone had to wipe the dog's privates with "feminine wipes" and would Jett have a problem with that?

Jett is ultimately hired and Jeff calls Zoila out to meet him. Did anyone understand what she said to him? I caught "very handsome" and that's about it. Jenni lovingly scolds her with "Zoila, inappropriate!" Inappropriate? Bitch, please. Everything that came out of Jeff's mouth during this interview was either illegal or wildly insane. A little inappropriateness was a welcome change.

I'm just going to cut to the chase and give you my opinion. Jett looks too relaxed and slow-witted for the likes of Jeff Lewis' office. I would bet my tv that he's doesn't last through the first week and that we will never see him again save for gay partyline ads in the back of The Onion. Agree or disagree?

4. Jeff's Edgement offer has been accepted and the inspection is taking place. The inspector tells Jeff that there are safety concerns in one of the bedrooms and Jeff says--deadpan--"I was just going to put my housekeeper down there." The inspector gives a nervous laugh and says, "no problem then. You don't have to worry." He might not have thought it was funny, but I did, Jeff.

There are some things that need to be fixed but nothing major. Jeff asks his realtor Linda what kind of credit he can get for the repairs. "Nothing," she replies, because the owners gave him such a generous discount--$100,000 off the asking price. Jeff begs her for "just a little something; I give you so much repeat business" (that's what she said). Linda says that it's not that she's saying no, it's that asking for a credit will piss off the sellers. All of us (except Jeff) get the message that asking for a credit will almost certainly blow the deal.

5. Guess what? Jeff asks for a credit, apparently behind Linda's back. He gets a phone message from Boni that Linda is beyond angry. Turns out Linda had another buyer but persuaded the seller to go with Jeff (even though his offer was lower) because his financing was set. Part of this deal was that Jeff would pay $1 million for the house "as is." Oh yeah . . . Jeff vaguely remembers this part.

Jeff calls Linda and tries to charm her but she's not having it. She rips him a new one ("I really think you're awful" is part of it) and he feels shame! And fear. (mother issues). Jeff immediately retreats and tells her he doesn't want a credit now. By the way, the credit was $5000. He risked a big fantastic $1,000,000 bargain and his relationship with his motherly broker over a measly $5000! You always have to see how far you can push it, eh Jeff? Disgusting.

Then Jeff has to talk all big and try to save face when he says to the camera "I could have pushed the credit but I didn't want to." You are so full of shit, mister. Linda scared and guilted the crap out of you, that's why you changed your mind.

6. We meet Jeff's younger brother, Todd, who looks very normal. Todd is marrying Carrie, who is yet another one of Jeff's realtors (I think she's partners with Boni and Linda). Jeff tells the camera, "it's not just me who crosses boundaries, it's my entire family." I don't doubt it, Jeff, but in this situation you are once again full of the caca because Carrie became your agent only after she was dating your brother. YOU are still the master boundary crosser, my friend!

Jeff tours the house that Todd and Carrie have just purchased and are planning to remodel. Jeff instantly starts getting controlling and bitchy. He wants his brother to get rid of some shutter doors and the brother says no, that he likes the doors. Jeff's all "where's the screwdriver?" and gets a little aggressive about it. I thought they were going to start wrestling right then and there.

Jeff talks about how Todd has more "balance" than he does (duh) and did not inherit the mental issues that Jeff did. Thank God.

Todd and Carrie have a remodel budget of $100k and Carrie suggests that Jeff oversee it as a wedding present. "Not with that crappy budget," he says. What a bitch! To the camera, he conveniently invokes his "boundaries" and says that he can't work for his little brother and his real estate agent.

7. Jeff, Ryan and Jenni are in Jeff's office discussing Jeff's need for temporary housing. Ryan suggests that Jeff stay at The Standard. There is some cryptic talk about what happened last time, and Jenni warns, "Zoila would be ordering late night room service."

"Yeah. And cervezas," Jeff adds. If laughing at this is wrong, then I don't have the slightest desire to be right. Ryan brings up the idea of renting a house in Malibu and "even though renting is against my religion," Jeff likes it. Why? Because the ocean will help him relax and entertain and achieve "balance."

Oops, excuse that unlady-like snorting noise that I just made.

8. Jeff and Ryan reduce Valley Oak's price to $3 million. They had an offer of $2.75 but they turned it down. As we know now, that turned out to be a bad idea, as the price was eventually hacked down to $2,595,000. Ryan admits it's all a gamble. Jeff admits that he needs a good spanking. Just kidding on that last part. But he does.

9. Jeff, Ryan and Jenni go to see a rental in Malibu.

Jeff loves it. He wants it. His dry husk of a heart is set on it. Then the agent says, "Oh yeah, no dogs." Without any hesitation, Jeff says "I don't have any pets. I'd like to get a pet someday. Just not responsible."

Jeff, might I remind you that you are the star of a national tv show and famous for being freakishly overprotective of your pets? I hope you lose your deposit, buddy. Every single cent. But before you do, I'd like to be invited out to your beach house. You know, to make up for not being invited to Ryan's party? I thought up a new drinking game: we watch re-runs of Flipping Out and drink every time a tiny alligator appears on the screen. Hmm. Nevermind. That would send us all to the hospital before the end of the first show. Ah, well. I'm not worried; I'm sure you'll think of some cruel jokes to keep me entertained. Hope you don't mind me eating Cheetos on your white couch. Can't wait!

As Jeff seals the Malibu deal, there's all of this upbeat music. Jeff is talking about how Malibu will help him chill, how he feels so good about the future . . . then Bravo puts in a big "screeeeeeeech" as Jeff is driving home and has a big effing meltdown over some papers that Jenni didn't deliver. Sonofabitch. So much for a happy ending.

Season 2 of Flipping Out is history, but don't forget the reunion show next week. Do you think everyone will be there? Will Jeff wear his sunglasses (please oh please)? Will there be a fistfight? We'll have to tune in to find out.

Oh, and I know that this blog is one big (unpaid) commercial for Bravo, but will you take some time out to watch Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D-List? Tonight I watched her emcee a super-fancy benefit and call all these old rich people "cheap fuckers." Truly spectacular.

That is all. Thanks for sharing your Flipping Out love with me!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

"You bitches watch out!"

Indeed they should! I'm not going to lie--it made me a little giddy to hear Jeff utter these words in jest during a wild party at Ryan's. He can be so relaxed and fun-loving! I think that he should consider being drunk on tequila all the time.

The season finale of Flipping Out was bittersweet, wasn't it? Jeff Lewis embodies the cliche "one step forward, two steps back." Yet we continue to adore him. Here's Part I of your recap.

1. At still-on-the-market Valley Oak, Jeff finds "poopy toilet paper" in the deer pasture, aka the back yard. Because Jeff no longer has a whipping boy, he has to pick it up himself.

If there is any justice in the world, Chris Keslar and Chris Elwood were somewhere giving each other high-fives and laughing uproariously as they hit rewind and play over and over again.

Apparently, this isn't the first time that someone has used Jeff's yard as a toilet. Jeff thinks someone on his crew is trying to get to him. The behavior, he says is not "passive-aggressive, it's aggressive-aggressive." I like that new phrase! I'm surprised Jeff didn't call 911 or at least save the tp and send it in for DNA analysis. Wouldn't that have people shaking in their boots?! Jenni points out the pieces that he's missed and tells the camera "people love to poop on Jeff Lewis' property." Hmmm, I wonder why. The scene closes with a straight-faced Jeff saying, "that's the only movement that's occurred at Valley Oak recently." Did Jeff Lewis just make a poop joke? Awesome.

2. Encino! Jeff is stressed out because Lorie and the formidable Erin move in in 3 days and the house is not finished. Lorie's totally thrilled with her house and doesn't care at all that it's not quite done. She's bubbling over with excitement as she tells Jeff "I love my house!" Jeff responds with a distracted "okay." I wonder what would have happened if Lorie would have just walked over and started to rub his shoulders right then? I bet he would have jerked away all nasty-like. Lorie would have never done something creepy like that (don't you HATE spontaneous shoulder rubs from people with whom you are not close?), but I just wanted to illustrate the level of Jeff's stress.

Jeff is bossing Jenni around and basically treating both her and Lorie like 5 year olds. He asks Jenni to write down where baseboards are missing in the house, and when he catches Lorie and Jenni chit-chatting, he says in a parental I'm-going-to-lose-it-in-about-one-minute voice, "Sorry, Lorie. I need everyone to work. Please don't distract [Jenni] because she's easily distracted. Thank you. I really appreciate your cooperation today."

Do you know what I would have done had I been Lorie? I would have crossed my eyes and grunted "huh?" And then when he walked away in disgust, I would have smacked him on the ass. Hard! Oh, how I long to do that. But Lorie has much more dignity than I and she left. Jenni sassed back a little and luckily, Jeff didn't put her in time-out.

3. Jeff reports that Commonwealth sold after a week in the hot pocket. He considers it a "personal victory," and I am confused. Its full price was $1,795,000 and he sold it for $1,595,000. What was all that bullshit talk last week about not accepting anything less than full price at this point, when the listing hadn't even been introduced to the full market? What the hell, Jeff? Whatever. He still made a tidy $275k profit.

Jeff is ebullient over the sale and talks about how this will be a "transitional year." To be honest, I have no idea what he means by this. Hopefully he will be transitioning into a person who can order a gd latte without specifying a gd temperature.

4. THEN! Jeff shows us and the rest of the world just how big his balls are, and they are HUGE. Oh no, not literally! Are you okay? I didn't mean to scare you. Since the sale of Commonwealth, Jeff needs a new place to stay. So he asks Ryan if he can move in with Ryan, Dale and Chloe for a couple of weeks. Ryan thinks he's kidding, but no! Jeff is seriously asking ex-boyfriend Ryan if he, along with his housekeeper and 5 pets, can move in with Ryan's family. See what I mean about the big balls?

Jeff tells the camera that he is aware that Dale is allergic to cats, but asks if Dale can't take Zyrtec or something. "I don't see why he couldn't go on medication for the brief time I'm there," Jeff says. Oh for the love of God, why can't you go on medication that will make you act like a normal person?

Ryan, how long were you with Jeff? I mean, he's gorgeous and all, but he's clearly not right in the head.

Jeff doesn't care a bit about inconveniencing Ryan and his partner Dale. He just wants to save a little money: "Why make a $10,000 house payment when I could live with Ryan for free?" Pause. "And Dale's a good cook." Jeff, I have to say, you may have the emotional IQ of a squirrel, but you do know how to bust out a decent joke.

5. Jeff looks at Edgemont, a property he is considering buying as a flip with his cash from Commonwealth. It's listed at $1.1 million, which is an important fact for later. He likes it, and likes that it is immaculate. As Jenni told the camera, "we were joking that [the owners] were Jeff's long lost parents."

BRIEF SIDE NOTE: Has anyone watched the douche extravaganza that is Million Dollar Listing? I saw about 5 minutes of it and would love for that shitbag Chad (who appears to be 12 years old and has some sort of retarded comb-forward hairstyle)

to work with Jeff just once. Jeff would eat his fucking LUNCH, you know? And I would giggle and clap like a small child.

Jeff offers $1 million for Edgemont, stating that even at $1.1, it's a great value.

6. Move in day at Encino! Jeff is still stressed. While not completely finished, the house is AMAZING. In every single way. Incredibly beautiful, and why don't I have $200,000 and some change so that I can hire Jeff to fly out and remodel my suburban home while we banter? Sigh.

Jenni says, "Lorie is our favorite client. She is our only client." Lorie, I like you without qualification. If you lived in Denver, I think we would be pals. I think that we would do things like call Jeff (pressing *67 first, of course) and hiss "I'm pooping in your pasture right now!" Then we'd hang up and laugh so hard that the Chardonnay would shoot straight out of our noses.

Back to the move-in. Jeff is wearing a white tee and is a little scruffy. Trust me, it was sexy. Mario, Jeff's long-time mover, starts giving Jeff a little lip and Jeff goes apeshit. In all fairness to Jeff, Mario was being pretty disrespectful. When he starts mouthing off to Jeff, Lorie has to stifle her laughter. Me too, except for the stifling part. In a fit of anger, Jeff tells Mario that Mario will never work with Jeff or Brown Design again, which I would imagine was probably a pretty decent gig.

Jeff then proceeds to give Mario the kiss of death as he says to the following to the camera:
I will never work with Mario again. I will go out of my way to make sure that people hire another moving company after what he did. I mean, I'm not going to go out of my way. I'm not going to place like, billboards on Sunset because I checked into that and it was like 25 grand. But anyone that I've referred him before, I will make sure they get a text, email and a follow up voicemail to never use them again.
Now that's a blackballing! Better start packing your bags, Mario. C'est fini!

7. I'm going to ask you to use your imagination for this next scene. Picture . . . a fraternity house on an early Friday evening in May. The classic drinking game of quarters is being played, and some nice but hammered girl from the sorority next door is rubbing the quarters on her nipples while some dude gleefully yells "lucky lady, lucky lady!" at the top of his lungs. Outside, people are drunkenly doing stupid and dangerous stunts to get attention, and the housemother looks on benignly, knowing that she is powerless to stop any of it. One the lawn, the house asshole and master hazer is playing a rough game of frisbee with the house dog.

Got that image? Now pretend that said fraternity house is a million dollar GORGEOUS home that was professionally designed using nothing but the best materials. Picture the nice but wasted girl as Jenni and the "lucky lady lucky lady!" guy as Ryan. The powerless housemother is Zoila, and you guessed it--the house asshole is Jeff. Instead of playing fetch with a frisbee, he is throwing a baby doll and shouting to the dog "go get Susie's head!" Now you have a perfect description of the party that Ryan hosted for Jeff Lewis and Brown Design employees.

Seriously, it looked like a wicked awesome time. Wish I would have been invited. Oh well, it's probably for the best. After a couple of drinks, I probably would have gotten a little "aggressive-aggressive" with Jeff and neither one of us needs a sex tape scandal right now.

Tune in tomorrow for Part II, when Ryan reveals a major truth about Jeff and we meet Jeff's younger brother. See you then!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

"Zoila, stop flirting"

There are about 5,000 smile-inducing sentences in this clip. As you watch it, some questions to ponder: Is the new assistant going to last more than 2 days? Does he kind of remind you of this guy? Is he going to kiss Jeff or Zoila first? Does the name Jett doom a person to douchebaggery? Have at it:

If you want to see the infamous "Bad Baby" scene from last week, please send small children out of the room before clicking here.

(if you're viewing this through a reader, click on through to watch the vid)

Monday, August 4, 2008

Someone deprogram her already!

Katie, pre-Tom (2004):

Katie (Kate) now:

Granted, she was on the red carpet in that first picture, but still. Yikes.

And some of you think Flipping Out is fake?

And that Jeff is "acting"?

Judging from this clip, he's either a terrible actor or a fantastic actor pretending to be a terrible actor. The 140 part was my favorite, of course. Does anyone else think that Zoila is kind of being used and abused by Jeff? That part looked like a mean ol' Howard Stern-type stunt to me.

I arrived home from vacation (you didn't even know I was gone, did you?) only to find that Jeff has been making the rounds on the talk shows; thanks to those of you who commented and emailed me. If it is true that he's been talking shit about Chris K, THE GLOVES WILL COME OFF. Do you hear me, Jeff? GLOVES. OFF.

p.s. I kind of like Flipping Out with a laugh track.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Update on Flipping Out Properties

1. Many savvy readers notified me that the Commonwealth was purchased by Dominic Monaghan. Wonder if he was the one who wanted Zoila's bedding? Go here to get more info about the purchase. Looks like Jeff should have taken that very first offer. Do you think he punished himself for making a $125,000 mistake?

2. Valley Oak may have finally sold, but not without a huge reduction in price. This must be killing Jeff! Go here for more juicy info, and here for even more!

Have a fantastic weekend!

Thanks to Doodle Whore for the lovely drawing. Did you note the subtle "DOUCHE" on the headband? Mmm, details.