Scented Glossy Magazines

This blog has moved!

2009-07-16T16:39:00.000-07:00

Please visit me at my new spot:

www.scentedglossymagazines.com

See you there!

Is anyone still out there?

2009-07-15T10:25:00.000-07:00

"Well, it's tasty, but it's no El Pollo Loco."

1. The Lewis tonight on Top Chef Masters. YUMMY, indeed.

2. Miami Social. I haven't gotten a chance to watch the whole thing, but I did catch about 10 minutes of it last night. For the most part, the women look like they've just returned from a Donatella Versace look-alike contest capped off by an all night coke bender. Harsh! On the other hand, the homes that I saw were lovely and I did enjoy the Ocean's Eleven-type cinematography during the Hardy scenes. Is he going to be our object of lust during this show, or is he gross because he's humping Trixia?

3. I miss you all terribly. My blog facelift is healing nicely, and it should be ready for public viewing very soon. See you then, hookers!

Oh, for God's sake!

2009-07-09T21:24:00.000-07:00

How on earth am I supposed to go on a break when there's eye-popping stupidity to report? The bloggers at W Magazine recently interviewed Kelly Bensimon about her new jewelry collection. Apparently, she's abandoned the owls (remember the lawsuit?) for snakes with loopy tongues.

Here is an excerpt from the interview:

What inspired you for this [jewelry] collection?
I love Navajo and I love the idea of taking Pocahontas out of the kayak and putting her into the disco. Everyone knows that she's had enough in her little canoe and now she's out and having fun in the disco. It's the idea that it's Navajo, but also it's pavé and really, pavé that's my forte. I love bling. I love understated flashy.

Is she fucking high? What other possible explanation is there for Navajo Pocahontas at the disco?

"So, like, my next collection is going to be kind of Helen Keller in Aspen. I mean, get that girl a snowboard!"

You'll also be glad to know that she resurrects her infamous "up here/down there" line when talking about the loopy snake tongue, aka "pod":

That's the pod, which is something that's really going to be the staple of the line. It comes in lariat. I like the lariat because it brings the attention down. Everyone likes up, I like down. I'm like, bring it right here [motions towards her chest]! There are two parts of a woman's body men like, and so we're focusing on one.

Ah, Kelly likes the attention down. Or wait, is it up? Apart? I'm confused.

Anyhow, click here to read the entire interview; it's very worth it, especially when Kelly bewilders the interviewer (twice) by using the word "chatty" instead "catty."

On a completely unrelated note, I am mesmerized by this video (found, and intelligently discussed, on fourfour). That shirt alone draws you in, doesn't it?

Is that Teresa at the :28 mark? Just joking, Teresa; you know I love you and your greasy husband.

Happy Friday!

Dear PC,

2009-07-07T11:14:00.000-07:00

You are ridiculous, and I am so sorry that you have such a permanent and public record of it.

Sincerely,
SGM

Is anyone watching this show?

Did Gretchen get married? (thanks to the anonymous tipster.) I'm sure we would have heard about it if she had, but I can't find a thing.

I'm going to be taking a short break while I upgrade my blog. It's going to be fancier and fluffier than ever! Come back next week-ish to check it out. xoxo

It's so easy to read their minds

2009-07-01T07:43:00.001-07:00

Ramoner: I'm bored. I need to be stimulated. I think I will bring up Alex's nude photos one more time after the show.

Alex: Well, it's fine, but it's certainly no corset made out of rotting burlap.

Jill: Let's get this over with. Brad's re-wallpapering my entire apartment with the Zarin logo and I just know he's going to screw it up.

Jaqueline: I wonder what it would be like to read a book.

Dina: Bubbies are too small. Next.

Caroline: What the fuck are you lookin' at, bitch?

Teresa: I wonder where we place orders? I want five of everything.

Danielle: Little do they know, I have Cop without a Badge hiding under this paper. We're gonna clear the air once and for all!

For more photos of the Housewives at The Fashion Show fashion show (what?), go here.

Like Tony Soprano, but with biggah tits

2009-06-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

My apologies to the Manzos, but the mafia jokes never get old.

Behold, KCSCougar's latest production. I am snorting like a piggy--it's so funny, maybe his best one yet. (language is delightfully NSFW).

I haven't watched Part 2 of the reunion yet but have talked to a few people about it. WHAT DID DANIELLE DO? She briefly alludes to it in her blog. There's something very, very juicy here and I'm not talking about Andy Cohen's butt. What do you think?

All the world's a stage!

2009-06-25T07:21:00.000-07:00

At least for Danielle, because why else would you say shit like this (after a hearing to prevent the release of your sex tape):

This is about my kids. I'm a big girl. Do what you want to me. But you broke bread with my children. Don't do this to me. No adult should ever do this to a child.

Can you see me rolling my eyes to the heavens? She's a piece of work, that one. (said in my best Jersey accent.)

"You think you can take me? You need a fucking army if you gonna take me! Now who wants a handjob in my car?"

Did you know that Bravo claims it knew nothing about The Book before the show started taping? Hello, JACKPOT. Can you imagine the clapping and squealing going on in Andy Cohen's office when the news broke?

ROUND 2 of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion tonight. A preview of Caroline's "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID" moment:

Sources: NYDailyNews, Newsday, NYPost and Scarface. Thanks to Lauren K and LDW for the tips!

Being a prostitution whore is the only tip of the iceberg

2009-06-24T08:19:00.000-07:00

Read a summary of Danielle's ever-growing problems here.

In other shocking news, Danielle admits to making gout with Don Johnson. I'm not sure what that entails, but it sounds illegal.

What did you think of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion, Part 1?

"My back is killing me. Thank God for this pillow!"

So much excellent tv, we might get bedsores

2009-06-23T09:59:00.000-07:00

Anderson Cooper is going to pee his pants when he sees this:

My favorite part? "I love a crawl!" Oh, how I have missed the NeNe and Dwight show. For those of you who couldn't get into Real Housewives of Altanta, I beg you to give it another chance. Season 2 starts on July 30.

TONIGHT, we have the Jersey reunion. Instead of posting a clip and causing you to be distracted by the 17 chandeliers and the front-and-center baby coffin (thanks, My Favorite and Best, for identifying it), I am posting a clip of the highly entertaining commentary from the table flipping incident.

My heart aches for a friendship with Caroline. Aches! And I'm not just saying that because it would bring me closer to seXXXy Albie; I really mean it.

AND, don't forget the baby douchebags on NYC Prep, which also airs tonight. Dreadful! (which is exactly how I like it.)

(click through if you can't see the videos, sweethearts.)

Andy Cohen is taking over the world

2009-06-22T05:46:00.000-07:00

and I LIKE IT.

Read the LA Times article about his new show, one in which we will get to participate. I can't wait!

(Nice set design on the RHNJ reunion show, huh? Please excuse me while I go swallow a handful of Advil.)

"If I hear any more shit, I'll be knocking on your door. And I won't be alone."

2009-06-18T19:20:00.000-07:00

Oh really, Danielle? REALLY? Exactly who will you be bringing with you, Ms. Wrong-Place-Wrong-Time-The-Lies-In-This-Book-Make-Me-Throw-Up-and-Have-Diarrhea? You're not making any sort of THREAT, are you? Because hmmm, I don't know, that seems to fly in the face of your indignant claim that you're an innocent victim who has been slandered by the evil Manzos.

Danielle honey, listen up. I'm about to talk shit and the only person you're going to bring to my door is Albie. NAKED. Got it? {pretend I'm giving Danielle a mean scowl a la Caroline}

Okay then. Here's the dirt on the finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey:

1. Dina visits Teresa for a tour of her new house. As we already know, Teresa is enormously proud of her "granite, marble and onyx" mansion. Each room is cavernous and every surface is shiny and slick--not unlike Teresa's oily bohunk of a husband. Apparently the house has so many rooms that they are designated for certain activities, such as a wine-making room, a wine-tasting room, a cut-off jeans room and a dead body room. (Okay, okay, I made those last two up.) I know Teresa was going for a French chateau look, but I think it is closer to a Saddam Hussein Palace look. Check it out:

Saddam's digs or Teresa's? You can't tell, can you? Spooky.

At the end of the tour, Teresa tells the camera that she wanted to have a housewarming party, but her house isn't finished yet so she's going to invite people out to dinner instead. I know, it totally doesn't make sense--why not wait until your house is finished and then have a housewarming party? Well, because Bravo needs a big FINALE, that's why. This fact is made even more clear when Teresa announces to Dina that she's going to invite Danielle even though she thinks she's a lying whore.

When was the last time you invited someone you loathed to a small gathering of close friends? Fakey, fakey, FAKE, Bravo, and I don't appreciate it.

2. Danielle is showing some of her modeling photos to her kids. The photos themselves were blurred, which kind of pissed me off. Was she nude? Because that would have upped the creep factor, which is already dangerously high. Maybe she was just holding a bag of Doritos? We'll never know.

Danielle tells the camera that the fact that The Book is on every coffee table in New Jersey has forced her to do some 'splaining to her kids. She tells them that she's made mistakes and learned from them, and it's all made her what she is today, which is a sunken-faced narcissistic skank with a really crappy eyebrow waxer. She does air quotes to the camera again, I can't even remember why, but it just adds to her shifty persona.

During this scene, the following facts are revealed: Danielle has two ex-husbands (the first one wrote the book), she was a stripper, she got arrested and she changed her name. She did not mention being a cokehead or a slut. An honest mistake, I'm sure.

3. Jacque's parents visit from Las Vegas in an RV. Mom and Dad have an astonishing amount of common sense that Jacque did not inherit. That's all you need to know.

4. Dina helps 12 year old Lexi clean the stuffed animals out of her room. This is where I would normally wrinkle my brow and say "what the hell?" but I happen to hang on Dina's every word, so it was bearable (no pun intended).

We also see that, unbeknownst to Dina, Lexi has been hoarding huge amounts of candy in a dresser drawer. Drool started spilling out of my mouth at the sight of it. I'll be accepting donations for my candy drawer as of right now.

5. Caroline gets a German Shepard "protection dog" who is a foaming-at-the-mouth, rabid, vicious animal. Nice try, Caroline. Nothing can keep me away from the smoldering heat that is Albie.

6. Jacque gives her spoiled brat kid the new car, just like we knew she would. There's some blah blah blah about "earning driving time" but ... oh, I'm sorry, I must have dozed off.

7. Moving on! Dina, Lexi and Caroline are out to dinner. Dina wants to quit her job and stay home to take care of her family, which I assume means her perpetually absent huz, Grandma Wrinkle (the cat) and Lexi. She says "those womens' libbers would wanna smack me right now." My eyes almost popped out of my head. Holy shit, Dina, "womens' libbers"? Seriously? Are you aware that this is not 1950? Why is her use of this phrase so endearing to me?

8. Finally, what we've all been waiting for--the Guidice "housewarming" dinner. We see the vainglorious Danielle getting dressed, gazing into a wall of mirrors and asking her daughters whether she should wear her hair up or down. (I scoffed at this, by the way, until I remembered that I recently was in a store and asked my four year old her opinion on which sunglasses I should buy. LOSER.) Danielle says she's really looking forward to the party. Translation: she's really looking forward to the shitstorm she's about to create.

At the restaurant, cocktail hour has commenced and everyone is laughing and having a grand time. Obviously, Danielle has not arrived yet.

Teresa debuts her new bubbies and Dina gives her some new lingerie from Victoria's Secret.

Someone, I think it is Teresa, asks Albie and Chris whether Caroline's bubs are real. Albie and Chris are properly GROSSED OUT, which I was glad to see, yet it was still LOL. It's all good times until....

Danielle, dressed like an aging hooker, struts in ready to do battle. Surprise, surprise, she's seated next to Teresa's husband Joe, whom she hates. (Another transparent attempt at finale drama; thanks, Bravo.) Everyone's being nice to Danielle even though it's obviously awkward because they all hate her guts.

To lighten the mood, Teresa starts telling a story about how her husband Joe wanted to have sex with her on the way home from getting her breast implants. Everyone is gasping for air, they are laughing so hard, except for Danielle, who has to piss on everything by saying something along the lines of an unsmiling "well you didn't have surgery down below." This part was clearly all edited up, but Danielle came across as a major biatch.

Then, during a lull in the conversation, Danielle whips out that book and drops it right on the table.

Everyone averts their eyes and is all "ooooh shit," except for Danielle, whose body language can only be described as aggressive. When it becomes clear that no one else is going to acknowledge the book, she melodramatically announces that she brought the book because it's been haunting her and she needs to clarify some facts. She starts talking and Dina realizes that she is the target of this "clarification," aka ATTACK. Dina says, "can I interrupt?" and Danielle turns a steely eye to her and says "No. You. Can't." And now it's ON.

Teresa jumps in and valiantly tries to divert Danielle's attention. She does so by telling Danielle that the story was going to come out eventually, and that, as a friend, she should have told everyone about the book in the first place.

Danielle shouts, "When I am finished you can lay into me all you want sweethot, but right now I have the floah! How dare you interrupt me when ahm trying to say my piece!"

What a lovely guest.

Teresa sees where this is going and asks that the kids be taken out of the room. Danielle freaks out about that too. Her kids want to stay, and she lets them because she loves making bad decisions.

Caroline tries to moderate and says threateningly to the whole table that Danielle has the floah and that "we're all adults and we'll act accordingly!"

Danielle talks about throwing up, diarrhea and that she KNOWS Dina revealed the book at their hair salon, Chateau. Dina denies, and Caroline utters her menacing (and now infamous) "Let me tell you something about my family!" line. Then, out of nowhere, Caroline states that SHE was the one who took the book to Chateau. Danielle says nooooooooo, she heard it was Dina. Dina denies,

Jacque pipes up and calls Dina a liar,

and now those two are screaming at each other.

Teresa says to Danielle, "well, something in this book has to be true," and Danielle UNLEASHES on Teresa. Teresa in turn starts making guttural noises, calls Danielle a "fucking stupid bitch" and upends the table:

(thank you, Brilliant Asylum, for this priceless gif)

All I am thinking about at this point is Albie, and how I hope that the flying glass does not mar his gorgeous face. (and to the anonymous commenter who asked if I would friend Albie on facebook and get a photo of his penis--I am working on it.)

To summarize: this whole debacle boils down to two issues 1) who took the book to Chateau and 2) whether the book contains any truth about Danielle. I can't really get worked up about it because the whole thing could have been resolved neatly by 1) calling the fucking hair stylist on speakerphone and asking him what happened, and 2) a defamation of character lawsuit brought by Danielle years ago. That book was apparently pretty damning and not something you let slide. Clean up your mess, Danielle, or LIVE WITH IT. Or change your name again. But stop blaming other people for your problems.

Here is my opinion on the Jersey housewives:

I have developed a deep and abiding affection for the Manzos and Teresa. I am slightly ashamed of it, and I can't begin to explain it, but I want to be friends with them (which probably won't happen because of my lecherous feelings toward Albie and also because I likened Teresa's house to that of a murderous dictator).

However, I feel that all of the drama on this show was contrived. Are we really supposed to believe that the book just happened to be discovered during the filming of this show? Why did Teresa have a housewarming party at a restaurant? Why was Danielle invited?

I'm not saying that the situations in OC, New York and Atlanta are 100% real, but the illusion of reality is more present in those series. Bethenny and Kelly--they do not like each other on or off camera. If they were forced to sit next to each other on the Today show, you would feel the tension. Not so with Danielle and Teresa. They giggle and walk out together.

This Housewives series was edited within an inch of its life, and I just couldn't ignore the unnatural and forced situations. I wish I could, my darlings. I wanted to be captivated by New Jersey, but I wasn't.

What do you think? Where do you rank New Jersey among all of the Housewives series?

Speaking of The Lewis,

2009-06-18T14:37:00.001-07:00

You're going to need at least one of these:

Can't you just hear his voice? What a little bitch. God, I just want to squeeze him to death. In a very tender and affectionate way, of course.

Designed by the uber-talented Richie, buy it HERE.

UPDATED: There's also a travel mug HERE.

(If you aren't in on the "Is this 140?" joke, please read this recap and fall in love with Jeff all over again.)

I feel dizzy just thinking about it

2009-06-17T07:31:00.000-07:00

"Sign here if you think I am ridiculously hot and sexy."

The third season of Flipping Out premieres on August 17.

(YES, I do plan to post a Real Housewives of NJ recap. Stay tuned.)

Let the table flipping begin!

2009-06-16T06:54:00.000-07:00

Because Danielle is SO asking for it.

Why did she have to go and ruin the good mood? What a crazy, desperate, attention-seeking freak.

The finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey is tonight. TRUST ME, it will be in your best interest to watch it.

(if you can't see the video, click through. Or get some glasses. I can't say for certain what your problem might be.)

2009-06-11T11:35:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone!

1. Clear your schedules--Bravo will be showing The Real Housewives of OC Lost Footage Special TONIGHT. Here's a clip:

(How OVER IT is Andy Cohen?! Love him.)

2. This should be good--next week on the Today Show, dumbasses Hoda and Kathie Lee will be co-hosting with a different Housewife each day. !!!! Bethenny on Monday, Danielle on Tuesday, NeNe on Wednesday and Tamra on Thursday. I hope none of them hold back if Kathie gets lippy.

3. I hope to be back to my regular posting next week. Or maybe I will just continue to be an irresponsible blogger. I have no idea. Just please know that it has nothing to do with you. SGM loves you; never forget it.

Lady Bensimon is FREE!

2009-06-09T10:16:00.000-07:00

Kelly Bensimon was sentenced to 2 days of community service today for giving her boyfriend a black eye. Doesn't the judge know that Kelly doesn't "do" community service? I mean, what if they start using her name for all of their community service events? I hope she appeals.

Anyhow, we can all sleep soundly in our beds tonight knowing that Kelly is safe at home. If she thought the reunion show was boring, she should see jail! Like, totally not fun or awesome at all.

In the words of Kelly, "justice has been served."*

A video clip of the jubilant yet still moronic Kelly outside of court:

*omg, when is someone going to hit her?

Lame, thy name is SGM

2009-06-05T07:26:00.000-07:00

UPDATED with a new photo that isn't a close-up of a gross eye.

The short story: There is no Real Housewives of New Jersey recap for you today.

The long story: OH MY GOD. I thought you'd never ask.

For the past month, my eyes have been inexplicably bloodshot, sensitive and hurty, and I can't look at the computer monitor for 15 minutes without getting a nasty throbbing eye-ache. I went to my eye doctor to see what the problem was and she was all "fuck if I know." Then I punched her in the face. Not really. I actually said a meek "okay" and cried on my way to the car.

On the bright side, I think I am earning a reputation as a junkie. I have stopped wearing eye make-up and I wear sunglasses over my glasses when I'm driving, which only enhances my appearance of being strung out. Danielle knows what I'm talking about.

It's super-pretty.

I'm almost sure I have it figured out--I think I am allergic to my mofo contact solution. I've been completely off of it for 3 days now, and I am finally starting to see improvement. JESUS.

So, no recap, which hurts me deep inside because I desperately want to talk about Jaqueline's bizarre and childlike giggling when she's with Danielle.

If you want to read something funny that will make you LOL and possibly ROFL/LMAO, please visit one of my favorite people in the world, the stunning and sexual Elaine of Miss in Your Business. She and her friend Sarah help people with their problems in a very straight-talking way. This post, about when you should end a friendship with a total bitch, would be an excellent place to start.

I love you all. Have a delicious weekend.

Ramoner hawking her jewelry on HSN tonight

2009-06-03T15:58:00.000-07:00

Do you even know what channel HSN is? I don't, but you can bet your sweet tits I'm going to find it tonight at 9pm. (I think Eastern time, but I have no idea how the eff HSN works.) DON'T MAKE HER NERVOUS, you guys!

By the by, did anyone watch the preview special for NYC Prep? OMG. I can't even discuss it, because I will just make fun of those kids and they're KIDS. Okay, I'll just say one little bitty mean thing--what is going on with Camille's face? And Jessie? OY.

Ramona Singer

The Real Housewives of NJ outclass Hoda and Kathie Lee

2009-06-02T09:47:00.000-07:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

What's with Hoda and the pointing and not being able to address anyone by name? And then Kathie and her dismissive looks and "this isn't reality?" Someone needs to teach these two some manners.

Sleep with one eye open, Hoda and Kathie. Capisce?

Oh, and don't forget to watch tonight.

YIKES. I will definitely be recapping.

(subscribers click thru)

Essential reading material

2009-05-29T14:27:00.000-07:00

1. Please see the NYTimes feature on the Jersey hobags.* If you haven't already seen Danielle's house tour (also part of the piece) on Decorno, well. You're going to need to do that ASAP.

2. Gawker's recap.

Thanks to all who sent me links.

Gotta go--it's time for me to hop on the bandwagon. Holla, Nuggets!

*I don't really think they're hobags (except for Danielle, of course). I was just trying to show off.

Enough of Bethenny's tushy!

2009-05-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

"Well look at that! She really does have a pussy."*

It's time to discuss the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

1. So many of you have generously filled my inbox with news that Danielle currently has a few coke-dusted skeletons tumbling out of her closet. Thank you! If you are one of the three people on the earth who have not read about Danielle's (aka "Beverly's") drug-fueled shenanigans circa 1986, please go here for the rundown.

2. Speaking of Danielle, she had several moments in last Tuesday's episode that must be mentioned.

Let's start with this one:

"I have a pussy!"

Those of you who watched know that this is not a fake caption. Classy lady!

Next up, what about Danielle wanting to break up with her boyfriend Steve at the table during dinner with Steve, Jacqueline, Teresa and husbands? Once a deranged coke whore, always a deranged coke whore.

{a note to my Colorado peeps--doesn't Danielle's boyfriend look eerily like 9news anchor Gregg Moss?}

FREAKY.

And finally, did you hear Danielle call Dina "cuntdescending" to the camera? Freudian slip, or an ingenious new word that needs to be submitted to Urban Dictionary IMMEDIATELY?

3. Despite Caroline's obvious control issues, she's my favorite right now. I love that she's so old school--the woman does not put up with foolishness! Actually, everyone is pretty likable. Except for the (allegedly) pussified Danielle.

4. Are you ready for some good news and a sentence that does not in some way reference a vagina? The deliciously gorgeous Albie has personal photos up at bravotv.com. The bad news (at least for the ladies)--he's almost certainly gay.

Am I right?

5. I'm happy to report that Andy Cohen emailed me and graciously accepted the love we offered up to him last Friday. His email may or may not have contained the phrase "sweet-ass," which is exactly why we sent him love in the first place.

Don't forget Real Housewives of NYC Confess: A Watch What Happens Special, airing Thursday on Bravo at 8 pm (Eastern & Pacific).

Peace and pussies for all!

*For the record, the word "pussy" makes me cringe, and you will never, ever hear it come out of my mouth. But for some reason I CANNOT stop using it in this post. I am so sorry. Blame Danielle.

Skinnygirl Margaritas and Crack

2009-05-26T17:44:00.000-07:00

They don't mix.

Seriously, Bethenny. What the hell?

UPDATED: nudie stills from a Bethenny movie in 1994--check 'em out here. (Good God, who do I think I am? Perez Hilton?) (thanks HG)

photo via tmz and tipster decorno

Because I don't want to get murdered, I will not comment on the too short dress or Caroline's control issues

2009-05-26T09:37:00.000-07:00

I am also choosing to hold my tongue even though I want to scream "JESUS, Caroline! What is the big motherfucking deal about a head of lettuce and a slightly bigger carton of milk?!"

Watch Real Housewives of New Jersey tonight...or else.

Also, Bravo tells me that the Real Housewives of Washington DC is in development and looking for cast members. If you live in the Washington DC area, this is your chance to subject yourself to ridicule, ruin your marriage and damage your children, all while making a little extry cash! Speaking of subjecting yourself to ridicule etc., check out the heated Jon and Kate discussion in the comments of the previous post. Who knew that these people could get us so worked up?

(subscribers click through for the video)

Mo' money, mo' problems

2009-05-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

Jon: I hate you. Look at my left hand. I can't even stand to touch you.

Kate: Just pretend I'm some barely legal slut. Swear to God, if I don't get an Us Weekly cover out of this, I will shove that tiki torch so far up your ass your hair plugs will pop out.

Are you going to watch this nonsense tonight?

Gold lamé bikinis for children

2009-05-23T13:46:00.000-07:00

Who knew?

Oh, how I love Teresa.

photo from here.

An Andy Cohen Love Fest!

2009-05-22T08:03:00.002-07:00

Our darling Andy Cohen has been having a tough time over at his blog lately. In a nutshell, he's getting insulting emails from a humorless asshole (here and here). Because he's sweet Andy, he is trying to answer this person and give her a forum when really she just deserves a big FUCK OFF and a tap of the delete button. Also, it appears that Gloria (Jill's mom) chewed him out. I can tell he's feeling a little down about it all.

This man, as a senior vice president of Bravo, has brought us the Real Housewives series. Are we going to sit by and watch him suffer? NO. Andy needs a group hug from all of us. Let's kick off Memorial Day weekend by leaving your message of support to him in the comments. I will start.

Andy,

You are a good person. Ignore the fertilizer that other people are giving you. I love and appreciate you for who you are.

With warmest hugs,
SGM

Your turn--don't be afraid to open your heart. Thanks for participating!

"And on loan to us from Belleview psychiatric..."

2009-05-20T06:44:00.000-07:00

Warning: language is a little nsfw

Please show the wickedly funny creator of this video some love in his youtube comments and let him know that we need some New Jersey.

(subscribers click through for the highlight of your morning)

"My whole house, it has nothing but marble, onyx and granite."

2009-05-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

YES, there were many more ridiculous things said on the premiere episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, but Teresa's proud statement about her bajillion dollar tacky-ass home just captured the essence of the whole show, an essence that can only be described as vulgar, tasteless, and true to every stereotype we've ever heard about north New Jersey.

I find this very exciting.

I'm not going to recap this episode (watch the whole thing here) because, disappointingly, it was not much different than the preview show. However, there were a few important added scenes:

1. Teresa's husband Joe is in "construction," and she pays a furniture bill of $120,ooo in CASH. You draw your own conclusions.

My prediction for the season--Joe's office moves to the space above the Bada Bing.

Teresa should also be given credit for the most jaw-dropping moment of the show when says she's building The Palace of Marble, Onyx and Granite because it makes her "shkeeve" to look at other people's houses. "I don't want to live in someone else's house--that's gross." Totally! That's why I demand a brand new toilet every time I have to pee someplace other than my own house.

Despite all of those disparaging comments I just made about her, she is my favorite, and not just because her husband could have me whacked at any moment. She's truly hilarious and I think her best moments are yet to come.

2. Remember Danielle, who was going on a date with her internet phone sex partner who goes by the name of (air quotes) "Gucci Model"?

He stands her up.

Then her implants explode while she's lifting weights, and she dies!

Just kidding. But really, those implants looked painfully strained during this scene.

3. Dina's husband is cheating on her. This was not said outright, but we can all read between the lines. We know he's cheated on her before and on the show she says that he's hardly ever home. He couldn't even make it home for this,

which is just inexcusable in my book.

Dina has been set up as the bitch royale, but I like her for now because she made fun of Teresa's house, calling it a "banquet hall."

4. All of the cast members are "best friends" with their daughters.

"Clean your room! It's so messy in here I can't even find the beer and weed I bought for you."

5. Caroline's son Albie is HOT.

A little too close to mama, perhaps, but HOT nonetheless. Mmmm hmmm. We'll be keeping an eye on him.

Here's my deal with the Real Housewives of New Jersey: I'm going to wait until this season gets really juicy before I start recapping it. Frankly, the NYC women sucked the lifeblood out of me and I need to recharge. I'll still be posting and wanting to dish with all of you, but the recaps won't start for a few more weeks. Sound good? Okay. Let's talk.

**Update** I spelled Teresa's name wrong. I hate it when I spell names wrong. It has been corrected.

"Tell me you're stopping with the Kelly because I CAN'T TAKE IT."

2009-05-14T21:32:00.000-07:00

Not me, Ramoner. I say keep it coming! Just when I think Kelly can't get any dumber, SHE DOES. Bitch has the brain of an amoeba. A newborn amoeba! Everything out of her mouth is either completely irrelevant to the subject at hand or in direct contradiction to one of her previous irrelevant statements. Does that make sense, or did I somehow get transported into Kelly time? Listening to her speak causes my brain cells to shrivel up and beg for mercy.

Part 2 of the Real Housewives of New York City reunion was bananas. I could spend 10 hours trying to recount it and still not give you a good idea of how crazy bonkers it was, so let's just open it up for discussion.

Talking points:

1. Kelly's so "insular" (typically poor choice of wording), which is why she's on a reality show.

2. On Kelly's habit of not saying hi to people--Kelly says "what's the big deal?" and Bethenny has my favorite moment of the show, "It makes you a piece of shit, that's what's the big deal!" YES.

3. "I love to explore awesome people. I don't want to live in negative-town. I don't like fodder." a) Kelly IS fodder, and b) that quote needs to be on an effing t-shirt.

4. As you know, I am not the Countess' biggest fan, but I thought she handled herself pretty well in both Parts 1 and 2, and she asked Kelly the best and most pointed questions of the night. No disrespect to Andy Cohen. I LOVE YOU ANDY.

But I do agree that you could use a little haircut.

Do you think the Countess was really starting to cry when she put that pillow over her face?

5. Mario checking out the ladies (how did I miss that the first time around?) and Bethenny's "I think Mario wants to be a little star."

6. Ramoner's buggy eyes are apparently a sensitive subject?

7. Did Kelly say "when I went to the Brass Monkey and I saw the puss on her face"? (at the 1:45 mark HERE)

8. If I hear the word "branding" on any of these shows again, I will BLOW my BRAINS out.

9. Kelly's earnest "Normally I do. I do wear bras a lot."

10. I love Jill Zarin. So much.

11.

Kelly: I want to talk about interesting fun things.

Bethenny: Like stuff? Let's talk about STUFF.

Andy Cohen: We're going over what happened this season on the show.

Kelly: But I'm bored with it.

OMFG.

12. NYC Prep looks so TRASHY and that's why we're going to watch it.

13. Alex. Mute but for two sentences while trying to translate for the K-bomb.

MAZEL on finishing the season, everyone! Obviously I thought the best parts of the reunion were Kelly's. What do you think? What did I miss? Give it to me.

If Kelly were any dumber, she'd be a plant

2009-05-14T08:30:00.000-07:00

Part 2 of the Real Housewives of New York City is TONIGHT, and it promises to be even better than Part 1. Watch this clip--it's mostly about the Countess (and it will make you CRINGE) but then there's some classic Kelly and Bethenny at the end.

Everyone, including the adorable Jew-fro'd Andy Cohen, wants Kelly to explain/defend her infamous "up here down there" comment, but this next clip shows that she is incapable of answering any sort of direct question. Here is Kelly spouting a bunch of nonsense and ending up telling Bethenny that they "could have been best friends" because they're "COMPLETELY different," yet "EXACTLY the same."

Of course.

The magical debut of She by Sheree

2009-05-14T06:41:00.000-07:00

"What's She by Sheree?" some of you may ask. Well, Google has deemed me the #2 authority in the world on this topic*, so I will be happy to enlighten you. She by Sheree is the much talked about and up until this point, imaginary, fashion line of the Real Housewives of Atlanta's original bitchface Sheree Whitfield. These photos, taken at She by Sheree's launch party on Tuesday, tell you much more about the line than I ever could:

Nothing says class like arriving in a Cinderella wedding carriage (see also: Lucinda's series on Irish Travelers).

Now onto the red carpet where Sheree poses with what appears to be a wax replica of Dwight Eubanks:

Such a shiny couple!

What could add even more cache to the event? The hint of a nipple, courtesy of castmate Lisa Wu Hartwell.

Poor Lisa. I actually like her--she's probably the most sane person on that show (and her husband Ed is nothing short of delicious). If Sheree had been a true friend, she would have pulled Lisa aside and helped her shove that baby back in the dress.

I know what you are thinking: what about the line itself? Yes, there were actual clothes at this event (unlike her last fashion show), and you can view them here. Lots of satin and big distracting hair. Go check it out.

* !!!!!!!!!

What's up, sluts?

2009-05-12T09:57:00.000-07:00

Part 1 of the Real Housewives of New York City reunion show is TONIGHT (10 pm EST). Get ready for an hour full of indignation, smirks and boo-hooing.

Here's a clip of Kelly giving a rambling and contradictory account of her assault charge (subscribers click through):

My favorite part is Kelly's petulant "I don't want a tissue." I so wish the production assistant would have yelled from offstage "FUCK YOU, you orange buffoon!"

Are you getting bored with all of the stupid crap that comes out of Kelly's mouth? There's just such an endless supply! Here's an excerpt from her recent interview with People:

Bensimon says joining the already-established cast in the show’s second season was like diving into a “shark tank,” and blames her nerves for causing her to act like someone she’s not. “I was so guarded, I came across as not being me,” she said. “Everyone I know was like, ‘That’s not you! That’s the not the fun Kelly who’s always on Kelly time!’ I didn’t know these women. I was treading in murky waters and I didn’t know how to navigate.”

Kelly time? Is that like Hammer time?

Since filming ended, Bensimon hasn’t spent much time with any of the New York Housewives — “We don’t run in the same social circles,” she says — but she doesn’t harbor any ill will towards any of them, including Bethenny.

“I’m the first person to say [Bethenny's] a great girl,” says Bensimon. “To be her age in New York [and] single is not easy. But she’s doing a great job enjoying her life.”

Clearly there's no ill will! Jesus. What a patronizing, pot/kettle/black, dictionary-less ASSHOLE.

Don't forget the Real Housewives of New Jersey premiering after the NYC reunion. I'd like to think that in this scene, Caroline has just reached over the table and given someone a meaty slap that left an imprint of her ring.

I CAN'T WAIT!

Take notes, President Obama

2009-05-11T12:59:00.000-07:00

One of my most favorite blogs, Hello Gorgeous, just posted a video of the Real Housewives of NYC being interviewed on CNBC about the state of the economy.

I KNOW.

Hello Gorgeous' commentary pretty much sums it up: "Where else are you going to get a truer take on the market and current economy than out of the garbled mouth of Kelly Bensimon?" Ha!

I cringed the entire time and nothing on this earth will ever get me to watch the first 15 seconds again.

Go watch it now.

"Kuh-dooz to all of us!"

2009-05-06T23:27:00.001-07:00

The producers of this show must send Ramoner flowers every week. She's the clutch player in this series--with her bulging eyes, bizarre hairstyles, uninhibited dancing, unfiltered mouth and now the mispronunciation of simple words, she turns a mundane scene into MONEY.

I thank you, Ramoner.

Can you believe it's over? The finale of the Real Housewives of NYC was full of petty fights and false drama but there were some flashes of brilliance. I'm leaving town tomorrow and need to whip this bitch out, so please accept this RHNYC Recap Lite in lieu of my usual deep and scholarly recap:

1. The final charity meeting, five days before the event, at Jill's. We pick up where we left off last week, with Bethenny and Kelly having just finished their ridiculous "let's clear the air" conversation/fight/demonstration of Kelly's bitchassery. The Countess arrives; Ramoner and Alex are late. When Ramoner shows up, she and Jill fight for what seems like an eternity over Jill wanting to promote Zarin Fabrics even though it didn't officially donate to the event. JESUS CHRIST, if I never hear the words Zarin Fabrics again in my life, it will be too soon. Jill tells the camera that Ramoner "walked in with a stick up her ass." I wish! Because then someone could have pulled it out and used it to beat some sense into both of them.

If you put your ear up to Kelly's head, you can hear the ocean.

Alex walks in late. She's supposed to be a co-chair with Jill, but hasn't done anything except show up late and not invite anyone. Ramoner gets all pissy about this too and tells the camera that it's just another reason why she hates Silex: "they just show up and ride on coattails but what do they do? Nothing." She goes on to say that Alex "is so like, what's the word...limp noodle." Wait. Is she talking about Alex, or Simon's penis? (LOW BLOW. Actually, I think the opposite is true; Simon is so sexual and such a titty-toucher that I wouldn't be surprised if he had a woody most of his waking hours).

One last thing--is it me, or does Jill have a foo dog on every flat surface in that apartment?

2. The Countess and her cheating asshole Count are invited to ring the opening bell at NASDAQ. The de Lesseps are there because of their charitable donations to a school for the hearing impaired. Apparently, the Count-who-is-not-an-old-man lost his hearing in one ear two years ago.

The best part is when the Countess is talking to a little boy from the school (presumably hearing impaired) and asks what his name is. "Yanni," he says.

"Danny?" the Countess asks.

"Yanni," he repeats.

"Johnny?"

"Yanni."

At this point, the Count says "Yanni," and the little boy nods. Ha! Who's the deaf one now, LUANN? Anyhow, that's pretty much the only word the Count utters in this episode.

After the Countess rings the bell, she tells the camera that the Count remarked that that was their "30 seconds of fame." Yeah, forget about starring in a national tv show every week--the de Lesseps will be always be remembered for ringing the NASDAQ bell that one time. GOD.

3. Weird, stilted scene with Jill and Ally in Ally's bedroom. Jill offers to give Ally, age 15, "the sex talk or the drug talk." She also adds, "I did call someone to help me out, but they weren't available." What? She tried to hire someone to help her talk to her 15 year old about sex and drugs? You can practically see Jill glancing at the camera and reading from a teleprompter. Even Ally was all "wtf are you doing?" Jill, we can see right through you. Both you and Bravo should know better than to try to fool us with this fake crap.

4. Bethenny gives the Countess' servant, Rosie, a cooking lesson. Watch it here.

5. Jill and Kelly visit Jill's favorite jeweler to pick a silent auction item. Kelly is dressed as a giant slutty hobbit.

The jeweler (Gericone? Gericurl?) is "a 51 year old Jewish woman" who thinks this scene is her big break. I tell you, she is OVER THE TOP, acting nuts and hitting on Kelly like crazy: "If I were gay, what I would do to you!" We see the jeweler coax her dog into "singing." Who the fuck cares. Maybe, maybe this type of thing can be buried in a mid-season episode, but not in a gd season finale.

6. Bethenny is going to be in a Moroccan Fashion Show, whatever that is. After the cooking lesson, LuAnn tries to teach Bethenny how to "walk." It's not easy. For the first time EVER, I find that my dedication to the early cycles of ANTM is paying off.

7. Bethenny is at the Moroccan Fashion Show, where we learn that she is also hosting the event.

We must talk about her make-up. How should I describe it? Have you ever seen the movie Pet Semetary, where a young father buries his dead son in this special cemetery and then the son comes back, dirty and undead and evil? I suspect the same thing happened to Bethenny. Here she is, fresh from the grave.

I think I just wet my pants. Scary.

She also does this comedy routine-ish thing that is half Andrew Dice Clay and half PAINFULLY AWKWARD. She went on and on about being single and how she wants to get married. Enough already! Here's more undead for you:

We should also discuss Ramoner's hair. You can't tell so much from this photo, but my notes during the show say "R's HAIR! FUCK!"

8. Jill and Ramoner and the event planning staff are setting up for the charity party. Ramoner, who has an even FREAKIER hairstyle

notices the "signage" behind the bar. Bethenny, who was in charge of setting up the bar, has put a million Frangelico signs up, as well as a big Skinnygirl logo. Ramoner and Jill go INSANE. Ramoner hates the signs because she thinks they're tacky, and Jill hates them because the Frangelico signs could have gone to other sponsors (i.e. ZARIN FABRICS). They take most of the signs down and Jill is furious with Bethenny for hogging this ad space. "Today is about ME," she says angrily. "It's about us, but it's mostly about ME." Now that is the perfect mindset for a successful charity event.

9. Time for the party! Silex arrives. Simon is wearing his living room (see the previous recap if you don't know what I'm talking about):

"I like to be flamboyant and I like to make a scene," he says. Why do people think he's gay? I just don't understand.

Ramoner shows up. She's proud of her work. "Kuh-dooz to all of us!" Say what you want about Ramoner, but the bitch delivers the crazy every. single. time.

Bethenny decides to confront Jill at the party. She's not so upset that the signs were taken down, but more betrayed because Jill was talking behind her back. Jill, however, doesn't want to get into it at the party. "I CAN'T," she says in her Lawn Guyland accent. "Don't ruin my night." She walks away and Bethenny turns around and unleashes on Ramoner who is shockingly calm and lucid. Ramoner tells the camera her strategy: "I'm just gonna yes her to stop the fury."

Jill's about to give her big speech when Bethenny thinks of "mountains, molehills" and decides everything has been blown out of proportion. She finds Jill, hugs her, and it's over. But she remains pale and stricken throughout the night. She fought with Mama, and she is traumatized.

Jill gives the speech, does the auction (there is a brief moment when no one is bidding and we are reminded of the DeShawn auction debaucle of 2008 all over again), and then she hands out self-serving awards. She "forgets" to give Kelly her award. Forget, my ass! Just Bravo trying to create a little drama.

The dancing begins. Would you look at these two?

They remind me of highschool nerds who talk endlessly about how superior and unique and "above popularity" they are, yet are secretly DYING to be a part of the cool crowd. I know, because I was a highschool nerd with those same dreams. Get over it, Silex. You're fine just the way you are. Kind of.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, MY BONER!"

Finally, there are the traditional end-of-season epilogues, and let me just say that someone at Bravo is on the take. Silex obviously didn't pay up because they were treated rather nastily: "As relationship role models [dripping with sarcasm], the natural next step for Alex and Simon is to write a book about parenting." HARSH, Bravo! The most unbelievable epilogue comes from someone who is CLEARLY either sleeping with Kelly or on her payroll: "The courtroom drama driven by Kelly's latest break-up is finally over. She continues to focus on her beautiful children and writing career."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? One, is her courtroom drama over? Two, "beautiful children and writing career"? WHAT? No one else's children in the history of Real Housewives have EVER been portrayed in a positive light, and Kelly can barely string a sentence together. There is something majorly FISHY going on at Bravo (there's a joke here, but I am trying to be professional). Andy Cohen, did you let Kelly write her own epilogue? Did you? I'm calling the NYTimes. There's a Pulitzer prize for investigative journalism in here, I just know it.

So much for Recap Lite.

Listen, forget this finale. We have bigger fish to fry. First, The Fashion Show (Bravo's replacement for Project Runway) premieres tomorrow. I am counting on the witty commentary of TLo, and you should too. Next week, the explosive Real Housewives of NYC reunion and the very first episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Excellent.

Let's talk.

Like a dog in heat, a freak without warning...

2009-05-06T09:48:00.000-07:00

Simon's HANDS are on Ramoner's BOOBS. Does she look disgusted?

Exactly. I think she is confusing her hatred of Simon with INTENSE SEXUAL DESIRE.

I am weak with gratitude to Bravo for putting the Real Housewives of New York City Simon and Ramoner dancing scene up for viewing. It is a feast for the eyes--eyes that you will soon want to poke out. (Subscribers, click through):

Personally, I watched it while playing 2 Live Crew's "Me So Horny" and got a fit of the giggles. That is some nasty shit! (for those of you who are pure of heart and mind and don't know all of the words to "Me So Horny," the title of this post is taken from the lyrics.)

Did anyone tweet with Tamra and Bethenny last night? How did it go?

Did you ever think you'd see the day

2009-05-05T10:07:00.000-07:00

...when Jill and Ramoner join forces to fight Bethenny?

EEK!

Don't forget to tweet with Bethenny and Tamra during the finale. I will probably be in the fetal position in anticipation of the fight, so I need you to be strong for me and participate in this. No dvr-ing! Start preparing your questions now.

You can start your creative juices flowing by giving me a caption for this photo from Kelly's birthday party:

and this one too (THE SHOES. Or should I say, THE SLIPPERS.):

See you tonight!

photos via Bricks and Stones

Proof that no one looks good in a seersucker jumpsuit

2009-05-02T17:04:00.001-07:00

Our dear Bethenny, no doubt rehashing her father issues, at the Kentucky Derby. In a seersucker jumpsuit.

photo and father issues via Bethenny's twitter

Happy Birthday, Kelly Bensimon!

2009-05-02T08:18:00.000-07:00

Kelly's friend: "Kelly! Glad you could make it. These are little cakes called cupcakes."

Kelly: "Like, how am I supposed to eat these? I'm like, skinny enough as it is!"

Friend: "Well, I guess you could just throw them up later."

Kelly: "I just had a rully rully awesome idea. We should totally like, start a line of cupcakes called Skinnygirl Cupcakes!"

Friend: "Hmmm. Why does that sound so familiar?"

Kelly: "It's a totally awesome amazing idea. Let's go find some blow."

"Bethenny, according to the laws of modern physics, two electrons cannot occupy the same quantum state."

2009-04-30T23:03:00.001-07:00

Just kidding. Actually, I think the words coming out of Kelly's mouth at this moment were "Bethenny, you need to stop! Stah stah stah stah!"

Is Kelly Bensimon not the most unbelievably dense person you have ever seen? Her narcissism, combined with the fact that her IQ hovers around 87 (and I think I'm being generous), makes it impossible to fight with her--she can't manage to be on the same topic, let alone argue it. It's a strangely effective, not to mention HIGHLY ENTERTAINING, tactic.

Aw, Kelly. Such a fucking idiot.

Let's recap this week's episode of Real Housewives of New York City:

1. Silex, along with their spawn Johan and Francois, show up at Zarin Fabrics to pick out some window treatments for their newly renovated home. You can guess the rest of the scene: the kids go bananas, Jill gets annoyed, Silex acts too cool for school. My favorite part is Simon wandering around with Johan on his shoulders.

"Where's Francois?" he asks.

"On ya head," Jill says.

"What?"

"ON YA HEAD!"

Simon explains that no, it's Johan on his head. Où est Francois, Jill? Oh, here he is, in the neon green velvet! Peekaboo!

You can tell that Jill desperately wants to smack these kids into next Tuesday.

Let me give it to you straight: this scene was Silex's desperate play for airtime. Why else would anyone bring two children under 5 to pick out window treatments at a fancy store? I bet you anything that Silex force fed these kids cotton candy and Red Bull on the car ride over, while whispering in French, "go completely apeshit, darlings. Mommy and Daddy need at least 3 minutes out of this scene."

One more thing: Have you noticed how Jill mispronounces Silex's name? She calls them the "VanKampens" when they are in fact the "VanKempens." Nice move, Jill. Very subtle.

2. Bethenny gets a haircut from Francky L'Official. (to clarify, that's the dude's name, as well as the name of the salon.) Bethenny tells the camera that Francky is her "token gay friend, and he's a hairdresser. He works mah weave." She cracks herself up when she says this, and it is funny.

Francky (he's beautiful, btw) has a heavy Fronsch accent which is only occasionally subtitled, so here's the gist of this scene: he wants to set Bethenny up with his former-model-now-photographer friend Phillipe. Bethenny's skeptical because nerdy guys are more her type, but Francky convinces her to give Phillipe a chance.

They talk about what Bethenny should wear on the date. "Show your boobs. You have great boobs," Francky says reverently. "Ah, your boobie. I love your boobie!" Someone wants his very own boobie montage!

Bethenny then proposes a marriage deal to Francky: if Bethenny turns 40 and both she and Francky are single, they will get married and have a baby. I think he accepted.

3. Silex is futilely sweeping dusty floors in a halfway completed renovation. Alex says that they have given themselves a deadline for the reno and that to enforce the deadline, they are having a party the day after. What the hell kind of craziness is that? That sounds like a prime opportunity for Simon to get all ragey again (not to mention make some impulsive design decisions). They talk about getting an "automatic vaccuum" (translation: a Roomba) and about Simon's disdain for "tchotchkes." Then they park it on a couple of poofs to plan the party.

Do you see the torn-up nature of their house? Wires hanging out, halfway-finished floors, exposed BEAMS? The deadline is in 15 days. Why rush it? WHY?

Are they going to invite Ramoner to the party? Alex doesn't think she's "an appropriate party guest," but Simon wants not only to invite her, but wants her to actually attend. Why? Because "after the tennis, Ramoner and I had a nice moment; we hugged for 45 seconds." A 45 SECOND HUG WITH SIMON? I imagine that experience would be a damp melange of b.o., cloying cologne, Scotch and a hint of beef stew. Then add in the fact he was just getting over the flu. I'm not sure how anyone, let alone Ramoner, could survive that.

4. Ramoner visits her plastic surgeon to help her with a "perspiration problem." In other words, she's pitting out all of her clothes. She asks about getting botox under her arms. The doctor tells her that she should get internal ultrasound instead, then she upsells the 'Moner on a procedure for her face.

Ramoner was all "I can't feel a thing!" and Frank, who was watching with me, said "that's because it's not doing anything." HA. Ramoner then has a soliloquy about how non-invasive procedures are acceptable, but anything invasive is just vain.

5. Bethenny and Jill have a heart-to-heart about Bethenny's love life. The rapid speaking combined with the accents was for me, an experience akin to being very drunk--my head was spinning and I felt a bit confused and disoriented. Anyhoo, they have the same conversation that they always have: Bethenny wants a man and a baby, but she can't find the man and doesn't want to slow down career-wise to find him. Blah blah and BLAH.

The one new thought in this scene is Bethenny's theory on a subset of men she calls "trick guys." These are the not-so-attractive men who didn't get laid as teenagers, and now that they are older and have money, they can get dates. However, they have Issues with Rejection and love to participate in mind fuckery. These are the guys, Bethenny claims, who are at the strip clubs and cheating on their wives and generally just being assholes. Conversely, good-looking men have been tapping the ass forever and are typically secure in who they are. This theory, if true, blows the whole "unattractive guys are will treat you better" idea WIDE OPEN. Excellent work, B.

6. Countess LuAnn takes her 20-something year old nieces out for a drink, and invites dumbass Kelly too. Why? "because she's young and hip." Yeah, but Kelly is only 3 years younger than the Countess, so what she was really trying to say was "Bravo made me do it." I am gratified when a few moments later, the Countess slips in an insult when she tells the camera, "Kelly fit right in--she thinks she's 21 anyway, hahahaha." SLAM. I love the Countess in this scene, which should tell you how truly awful Kelly is.

Back to drinks. They're all talking about what a perfect date would be when Kelly opens her hole and the most INANE shit comes out. For example: "They're like the first date, they're like, let's go out for dinner and I'm like, okay, like, where?" What? Her tone of voice suggests that a dinner date is equivalent to ... a 45 second hug with Simon. She goes on and ON and ends with "When you're with me, I'm not gonna like, sit there and watch like the afternoon unfold, are you kidding me?"

Yeah, because watching the afternoon unfold would probably involve having a conversation, and Kelly is incapable of that. The woman has NO BRAIN. I'm surprised her head hasn't caved in.

The Countess may be snobby and aloof, but she's not stupid. She can't stand listening to this dingbat. Her expression says it all:

Suddenly, Argentinian Max shows up and Kelly's all "WAZZUP!" while they proceed to fuck each other with their eyes. The camera keeps cutting to the Countess who is all "what the gd hell is he doing here?" But, unlike Ramoner, she keeps this thought to herself. Max doesn't stay for too long (at least in tv time) and when he leaves, the Countess asks Kelly what their status is. Kelly's evasive and weird, and the Countess doesn't understand what the big deal is. "What does it take to let your hair down?" she asks Kelly. Do you know what Kelly does? SHE TAKES OUT HER PONYTAIL, and then dramatically shakes out her hair.

No words. Just no words.

7. Will Silex's apartment be finished in time for the party? Who cares.

8. Bethenny's date with Phillipe. What can I say about Phillipe? He is uber-hot. In the words of Def Leppard, pour some sugar on me, honey. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it just feels right. And nasty. This picture does him no justice. He blows Max out of the gd water.

Bethenny's nervous, but she does all right. She manages to plug her Skinnygirl margarita, and she also introduces Phillipe to a new phrase: "busting balls." I hate to harp on B's accent, but compared to Phillipe's melodious voice, she sounds like a car alarm at 2 a.m. Oy.

9. The 3 minute segment this week: Bethenny, Jill, Brad and Bobby are in a white limo on the way to Silex's party. B is cracking jokes a mile a minute, bashing the limo and describing Jill as "a yenta with a mouth like an automatic tennis ball machine."

10. Silex's party! Moments before the guests arrive, we see Simon, wearing this shiny black vinyl um, blazer, and he's making last minute adjustments to the decor. He's very proud of all of it. Amazingly, Kelly is the first guest to arrive. She subtly insults them and their Brooklyn address, which precipitates a big long speech from Alex about how cultured and sophisticated Brooklyn is.

Bethenny and Jill et al. arrive. Let me tell you, I could write for a million years and still not match the perfection of Bethenny's description of Silex's apartment: "It looked like a gothic bordello, like one of [Simon's] bizarro outfits." SO TRUE! Check it out:

I DIE.

Kelly approaches Jill. She puts on a baby pouty face and says "I'm so sorry you were upset" referring to her stupid Halloween party. Jill is honest but not rude when she says "I was mad! How could you wait to leave until 9:45?" As Kelly launches into all of her lame excuses, she's pretty much ignoring Bethenny, who is kind of standing off to the side, smiling uncomfortably. Definitely tense. Jill doesn't like it, and you know she's going to do something about it.

Ramoner never shows up, and Simon says dryly, "we were gutted." I'll bet there's more than a little truth to that statement--you know Simon was hoping for another dose of 'Moner love.

"Cheers to making our whorehouse a home!"

11. Finally, Bethenny vs. Kelly, Part 2, aka The 2nd Most Ridiculous Fight in the History of TV. Jill is having a charity meeting at her house. Jill asks Kelly to come early because Bethenny wants to talk with her. Kelly is the first to arrive. When Bethenny rings the doorbell, Kelly zips into the kitchen and sits on the counter. All I could think was 1) who does that? and 2) I hope she's wearing underwear.

Jill leads them to Ally's room so that they can have a private conversation. With lots of television cameras. Bethenny starts out by saying that last time, she listened to everything Kelly had to say and that Kelly could have saved Bethenny a trip by just giving Bethenny the finger. No reaction from Kelly-- she looks like she's sleeping with her eyes open. Bethenny says she'd like to "clear the runway." Kelly says "I'm flattered," which is an odd choice of words, but whatever, we already know she's very limited when it comes to the English language.

Bethenny goes on to say that it hurt her when Kelly repeatedly failed to acknowledge her or remember her after they had been introduced many many times. A normal person would have said, "I am so sorry. I have a terrible time remembering faces. Please don't take it personally." But a dumbass wanting to get a little airtime says, "If I see you, I've always said 'hellohowareyou.' Just because I don't have the time to like, talk to you for more than a couple seconds..."

So condescending.

Bethenny interrupts, "no you haven't said 'hellohowareyou,'" and Kelly shuts that shit down right away: "I'm not going to discuss this because I'm not." Okay then! Bethenny brings up Kelly's "up here down there" comment, which is flat-out denied by the crazy bitch. This is when Kelly starts in on the "stop! stah stah stah!" followed by "we're sitting on Ally's bed--adorable girl, you're a beautiful woman, but I'm not going to indulge you in this."

Sweet Jesus, there is NOTHING more infuriating than being patronized by a stupid person, and Bethenny tries to explain that Kelly's not in charge of what Bethenny can or cannot say. Kelly says earnestly, "have you ever heard of mountain and molehill?" OMFG. Bethenny pretty much gives up at this point, telling the camera, "we are not on the same planet. We do not speak the same language." Kelly goes on with her absurd lecture, saying "I love the fact that you wanted to clear the air, but it's clear!" Come again? What is she smoking?! She concludes their heated discussion with "we're here, we're working together, and you look adorable in that Zac dress." What a freaking nutjob.

They leave Ally's room and Kelly hops on Jill's kitchen counter again before she leaves to pick up some wine for Jill and snort a line of coke. Bethenny debriefs Jill, and that's it. The End.

Next week is the season finale. Have you seen the previews? Bethenny and Jill get into a big huge fight at the charity event! I'm scared.

Tell me what you think, darlings.

Overheard last night in NYC

2009-04-30T07:43:00.000-07:00

Kelly Bensimon: Hey, you! WAZZUP!

Beth Stern: Excuse me?

Kelly: Oh my God, like, I think I went to like, your wedding. And, like, we go to fashion shows together.

Beth: Yes, Kelly. We used to be friends, but now I'm trying to distance myself from you socially.

Kelly: What? Like, you're so adorable and I'm so adorable, and together we're like, a total adorablefest. So UH-MAZING. I'm up here [lifting her hand] and because you're married to like, that famous rock star, you're up here too.

Beth: Howard's not a rock star, he's on the radio.

Kelly: Whatever. I won't indulge you in this.

Beth: What are you talking about?

Kelly: You tell me.

Beth: Um, I need to go.

Kelly: Actually, I'm the one who like, needs to go. I'm rully rully busy. Like, I'm a mom and the Ambassador for Wool and I'm an 'A' too. Like, I can't stop and talk to everyone. This conversation means nothing to me.

Beth: Okay. See you later. Has anyone seen my bodyguard?

Kelly: YOU'RE CRAZY! AND A FOIL!

Many, many thanks to my anonymous friend who sent me this photo from last night's launch party for Rachel Roy's new Macy's line. KELLY LIVES!

Recap will be up tonight. Late, late tonight.

xoxo

Surprise, surprise

2009-04-29T06:42:00.001-07:00

Real Housewives of New Jersey cast members Dina and Caroline (the blonde and the redhead) have connections to the mob. Their father-in-law, Albert "Tiny" Manzo, was executed and stuffed in a car trunk in 1983 after it was suspected he was skimming off of a mafia casino.

HOLY SHIT.

On a completely unrelated note, I'd just like to announce that I think that Dina and Caroline are lovely women. Lovely, intelligent and elegant. I urge everyone to speak about them with utmost kindness and respect. Do you understand what I'm saying?

And now, a bubbies montage:

(thanks, Emily)

Tonight: Kelly and Bethenny, redux

2009-04-28T12:57:00.000-07:00

(subscribers, click on through for the video)

I have run out of ways to say that Kelly is dumber than dirt.

The RHNYC season finale is next week, and Bravo has announced a LIVE virtual viewing party in which you'll be able to tweet with Bethenny and Tamra. Check out the details here. Someone needs to suggest that Tamra set Bethenny up with that hot piece Ryan.

Has anyone been reading Bethenny's blog? Something has happened behind the scenes with Silex and she now clearly LOATHES them. Here are excerpts taken from a few of her entries:

"I am not a fan of the I love Simon van Kempen Facebook club. The fans have been easier on them because Jill and I have been much nicer to them, but their desperation and delusion never ceases to amaze any of us. What they do on and off camera in a failed attempt to get ahead is incredible."

"Wow, some of you are mad at me from last week, and I apologize. I'm a "tell it like it is" person, and there are 8 months of the year that we aren't shooting together, and some things do happen behind the scenes.

Alex and Simon have done some upsetting things to divide the cast, and I really should have left my blog to what happened on the episode. My bad."

"I'm fairly certain that Alex and Simon don't care for me, but you can't fit a square into a circle, so that's that."

Yikes, that's how she talks about that ding-dong KELLY. Hope Bethenny elaborates at the reunion.

If you're interested in watching the darling and gravelly-voiced Andy Cohen interview the cast of Real Housewives of New Jersey (premiering May 12), click on over to his blog. Let me know if you get past the first 2 minutes in which Andy talks verrrrry slowly and asks about everyone's hair.

Peace out, mothertruckers.

Change of subject.

2009-04-26T12:15:00.000-07:00

Do you remember Leslie Mann's dress in this scene from Knocked Up?

My heart pounds when I see it. Now that it is spring, I yearn for it on a daily basis. YEARN. It will never be mine--oh no, too much time has passed, and despite being such a simple frock, I'm sure it was ridiculously expensive. But Leslie Mann's dress, know this: a part of my soul will forever be empty because I do not own you.

Have you ever felt this way about a piece of clothing? Shoes, maybe? Please tell me about it.

(For the record, I love Leslie Mann. I would designate her as my Free Pass Five Bonus Lesbian Pick, but eh, I need a woman with a little more meat on her bones. For additional background and some wisdom on Free Pass Five Bonus Lesbian Picks, please visit here and here.)

"Do you want to do some from behind? Because they're like, spicy?"

2009-04-24T19:25:00.000-07:00

What, Kelly? Did you have a bean burrito for lunch?

GOD. This season should have ended 3 episodes ago, right after the "up here, down there" fight. I would have been clamoring for more! Now I just HATE everyone. Well, almost everyone. I still have somewhat warm feelings for Bobby and, God help me, that crazy bitch Ramoner. More on that later. Here is your Real Housewives of New York City recap:

1. Victoria is making her first visit home since starting boarding school two months ago. The Countess tells the camera that Victoria has really missed Rosie, because at boarding school there's "no one to pick up her clothes or bring her a glass of water."

"Mom, this is nice and all, but I'm actually here to see Rosie. Is she around? I'm really thirsty."

LuAnn offers to make Victoria a decaf cappuccino (while that lazy ass Rosie just stands there, not even offering to help find the Splenda) and starts asking questions that lead us to believe she hasn't spoken to Victoria much: how's your roommate? How's the food? What's your name again?

Victoria talks about how a friend took her to this super-cool store called Goodwill where she bought two cashmere sweaters for $9. LuAnn says"you've never gone to a cash register and just paid $9 for anything, hahahahaha!"

"I just learned about this place called 'the grocery store.' Apparently commoners buy food there. Isn't that adorable?"

I thinks it's fair to say that this family is a little bit OUT OF TOUCH.

Victoria also reports that she went to a dance at school and that it was "terrible" because there was too much "grinding." LuAnn is all "huh?" and as Rosie tries to explain, Victoria interrupts with "dirty frog dance!" Ah, now LuAnn gets it. What the hell? I googled it and found nothing. Someone needs to submit that shit to Urban Dictionary, pronto.

Behind Victoria's seat at the table is a propped up (and very conspicuous) portrait of some dried-up de Lesseps ancestor. I bet LuAnn makes them all kiss it before they sit down.

2. BBC Radio comes to Jill's apartment to interview her about...the economy?

"Wait. You're telling me that not everyone has a $13 million apartment?"

Overall, I think Jill did a pretty decent job, at least insofar as getting a plug in for all of her charity events. The interviewer tries to trip her up with questions such as "it's hard to see crisis around here" motioning to her cluttered showcase of a home, but she responds with "we've worked hard for what we have." He asks her if she feels any guilt. Nope--"if you spend more than you have, then you have problems" is her answer. Easy to say when you have so much money that you run out of things to spend it on.

3. KELLY. She's a model! Model model model! She's getting new headshots, and spouts a lot of gibberish about modeling and concludes that it is "not easy." BOO HOO.

Kelly then changes into a black crocheted swimming suit to take some photographs for her Halloween party invitation.

Photographer: "Whoa, what's that smell? Can someone open a window?"

Kelly: "Sorry. Burrito for lunch. I'll close my legs."

She says to the camera, "I'll be the A" in the same tone of voice that she would say "I've discovered a cure for cancer." Wide-eyed, she pauses for effect, and probably applause. "But I'm smiling, so it's like provocative and fun and eye catching and people would say oh my god and they'd want to be a part of it." So humble. And smart! Don't forget smart.

4. The Countess and Victoria go shopping. Boring.

5. Jill is at Zarin Fabric talking about the stress of dressing up for Halloween. She says she gets anxiety for months in advance, and has hired someone to create a costume for her, and for Ginger. I don't know how she lives with the pressure.

While Jill is trying on her wig (she's going to be Elle Woods), Bobby walks up looking like a bellhop. I chuckled a little bit because I thought that was his real outfit that he wore to work that day (Bobby's kind of edgy like that), but no--it's his costume. Don't ask me what this has to do with the Elle Woods theme because at this point I was switching back and forth between RHNYC and Rock of Love Bus Reunion (a word to Mindy: you dodged a bullet, honey).

6. Then there is a 3 minute clip, in between commercials, of Jill and her Aunt Cookie being interviewed for Jill's sister Lisa's radio show.

Why, Bravo? Were you that desperate for some filler material? Because I have to tell you, this was the most irrelevant 3 minutes of air time in the history of television.

7. Silex. Fucking Silex. Simon bought a CORSET for Alex made out of A BURLAP BAG. He paid--are you ready for this?--$7000 for it at a charity gala. I understand that this money goes to charity. Fine. But don't sit around and go ON and ON about how exquisite and beautiful the BURLAP is and insinuate that the corset is worth $7k. "It's idealizing a non-profit in a very chic way," says Simon. What? "I'm going to wear it in as public of a place as possible," proclaims Alex. "Opening night at the opera."

Did you all feel like you were in a modern day version of The Emperor's New Clothes? IT'S A BURLAP BAG FOR FUCK'S SAKE! All the "designer" did was attach some suspenders, cut out a sweetheart neck and make a few stitches. I COULD DO THAT. That useless idiot Kelly could do that! Swear to God, I felt like I was watching a Saturday Night Live skit--it was beyond ridiculous.

"For our next big event, I'm going to wear the a $10,000 toilet paper gown that Simon bought for me. It's idealizing the concept of 2-ply in a very chic way."

I have to admit, if anyone can wear a burlap bag, it's her. Hope she didn't get a rash.

By the way, it's time we find out where Silex is getting all of this money. Andy Cohen, please tell me you asked about this at the reunion show (read Andy's vague account of the reunion taping here).

8. Ramoner. HSN wants Ramoner to film herself presenting her line of jewelry. Mario films, Avery criticizes, Ramoner kicks Avery out, and then there is this:

All I can think about is Borat's "HIGH FIVE!".

9. Silex. Carving pumpkins on their stoop in Brooklyn. Pretty much everything word out of their mouths is a variation on "Brooklyn is sooooo much better than Manhattan." Then Alex brings out some Halloween decorations and hands Simon some fake barbed wire. "Is this for me to take to bed with you later?" Go ahead. Run to the toilet. I'll wait.

Alex: Pens work so much better in Brooklyn, don't you think, Simon?

Simon: What? I was busy thinking about what we're going to do with these pumpkins tonight in bed.

10. The dog Halloween costume party.

Fancy! How much do you think Ginger's costume cost?

Ramoner arrives with her dog, and both are in Robin Hood outfits. This is where I start to feel some fondness for Ramoner. I can't explain it--something about the bulging eyes and green felt hat.

Yes, Brad is wearing a three-piece chintz suit. When he and Ramoner see each other, they both start shrieking with delight. " I was hysterical!" Ramoner tells the camera. "[when I saw Brad] I almost peed my pants and laid on the floor!" Who knew they liked each other that much? I think Brad should gay-divorce Jill and gay-marry Ramoner. They would be such a better couple.

Hors d'oeuvres are being passed and Jill tells the server that they look disgusting. Ramoner takes one and gives a lick to her dog; Brad pops one into his mouth. Then Jill and Bobby play a little prank on Brad.

At first Brad's all "WHAT?!" but then he laughs and says "it's fine! It's liver!" Then Ramoner shrugs, takes a bite (of the one she just let her dog lick on) and says, "it's good." I LOVE IT when she brings the crazy like that.

Jill pulls Ramoner aside and says "it's not really dog food!" and then explains to the camera that she lives to mess with Brad. Poor Brad. He probably slipped off to the bathroom and had some bulimia.

11. Jill, Bethenny and some other lady walk through Hudson Terrace, which is where Jill's arthritis charity event will be held, free of charge.

It's GORGEOUS, but it's outside and it just happens to be raining. "Holy weather permitting!" exclaims Bethenny, and this is when I start to hate Bethenny. Her use of the "holy whatever!" drives me nuts. NUTS. Bethenny's just frenetic during this scene, answering with a sarcastic one-liner for everything. It's too much.

Jill and Bethenny are going over the menu with the Hudson Terrace person and every time she suggests something, Jill's all "I hate it. Don't like it. Hate it." Both Jill and Bethenny need to smoke a doobie.

12. Bethenny and Alex meet to talk about Bethenny's new Skinnygirl logo. Alex shows Bethenny what she has so far and Bethenny gives her stamp of approval (foreshadowing!). Bethenny informs Alex that she's going to be putting out a line of Skinnygirl drink mixes, and that this could be a great opportunity for Alex because the Skinnygirl Margarita is the new Cosmo. Bethenny, it is a sad day when I snort at you. But I did snort at you.

13. Kelly's Halloween party! Bethenny's there as Roller Girl ("I got an invitation. Not sure if Kelly herself invited me, but I did get an invitation.") Brad and the Countess (dressed as a Native American--an odd choice, considering her heritage) are there too. Kelly, however, is nowhere to be found.

Bethenny tells the camera that crowd is totally random, as if they were just plucked from Times Square. As many of you mentioned, it looked like frat party, all stinky and crowded, but at least at a frat party, there'd be a keg or two. Kelly's party has a CASH BAR. Bethenny is incredulous: "You put your name on this event, but not on one that helps people with arthritis?" To me, this is just another sign that Kelly is a total assface. She thinks that people will be so honored to be at her party that she doesn't need to give them anything to drink.

Jill and Bobby arrive.

Bethenny, who has had a little to much to drink at the cash bar, runs up to Jill and starts going OFF about all of the bullshittery occurring at this party. Jill can't get a word in edgewise, but she tells the camera that she is PISSED. Not only about the rudeness that is the cash bar, but the fact that Kelly is over an hour late to her own party. "It's not polite to show up late to your own party, but maybe that's the chic world she lives in," she says. Oh, BURN!

The Countess is angry too, as she had passed up a dinner invitation to be at Kelly's party. "Off with her head!" she shouts in jest (but not really) at one point. They try to call Kelly but she doesn't answer her phone. They decide to leave.

Bethenny has a brilliant (if not entirely sober) moment outside of the party--a message for Kelly: "Who do you think you ARE? What are you DOING? Are you CRAZY? I'm never wrong about people. Never. Wrong. About. People. And Roller Girl doesn't care." Then she rolls off down the street, even doing a little backwards skating. I like Bethenny again.

Finally, a half-naked Kelly shows up, accompanied by Max, who is 90% naked. Kelly looks very annoyed as she walks up to the little red carpet at her party. She tells the camera that she was "late, rully rully late" to her own party. Do you know what her excuse is? An indignant "my kids had Halloween, and then it takes an hour and a half to get ready." There is kind of this unspoken "DUH!" hanging in the air. She is unbelievably STUPID and RUDE.

Do you know what she says about her costume? That she wanted it to be "fun and flirty but I'm a mom; it can't be over-the-top." Yeah, just rully rully slutty.

She finally walks into her sweaty party, and stands there awkwardly. Doesn't look like she knows a single person there. "Where is everybody?" she asks. She tells the camera that she's upset. There's some mumbling about how she "felt bad they were [or weren't?] waiting, and it was [wasn't?] nice." Who knows, who cares. Suck it, Kelly.

I think we're in the home stretch, babies. Next week Silex's kids misbehave at Zarin Fabric and there's more Kelly vs. Bethenny. I think I'm going to have to take a roofie to get through it. What about you? What did you think of this episode?

I'm sure you've seen this already, but I need to have it here.

2009-04-22T19:39:00.000-07:00

Listen, I've had two kids. My boobs are certainly not perfect.

But sweet baby Jesus, you could PARK a CAR in there. WHY is she wearing that dress?

Stay tuned for the recap.

photo via here, here, here and here and a zillion other places.

Kelly's brilliant defense strategy

2009-04-20T16:25:00.000-07:00

"Like, your honor, he like totally started it. Duh!"

No joke. Read about her assault case here.

Kelly's other legal troubles: Whoo...whoo's...a fraud? Kelly's accused of stealing the idea for her owl jewry from a colleague at Elle Accessories. I wouldn't be surprised if she uses the "that's rully rully inappropriate" defense accompanied by a snotty look.

IDIOT.

You must watch all of this, but if you're rully rully busy (or lazy), just skip to 1:15

2009-04-18T07:56:00.000-07:00

Thanks, Paloma

"Running in New York is probably one of the most vilerating things you can do."

2009-04-17T05:00:00.000-07:00

I'm guessing that Bravo edited out the rest of that sentence, which must have been "...especially after you snort an eight ball of coke!" What else could explain Kelly running obliviously through the streets of Manhattan, in the flow of traffic, hair flying like a skinny Kevin Sorbo? She's breathing in tons of noxious fumes, a CAB is up her ASS and she's all, "the greatest luxury of running is freedom!" Yeah, until you get locked in a padded room because you think you're a gd CAR.

By the way, Kelly--I had to rewind your sentence 4 times and was about to look up "vilerating" in the dictionary before I realized that you were trying to say "exhilarating." Did you know that a numb tongue is one of the effects of cocaine usage? Just fyi.

Here is your Real Housewives of NYC recap:

1. Zarin Fabrics is hosting some sort of nighttime party for its new eco-friendly fabrics. Jill is bustling around as if she works there. Oops, she does work there--she's a "trained business woman." Maryo and Ramoner arrive and Maryo starts in on the fucking tennis match again and OMG I WANT TO LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE.

"ET phone home"

Two things saved me: 1) Jill's wise decision to simply smile and say "yes" to Mario's ranting and 2) the beneficent presence of Bobby Zarin. XOXO, Bobby!

After Maryo is done browbeating Jill, he decides that he needs to take a dig at Simon. He swaggers over and basically tells Simon that his tennis outfit sucked ass, and that he looked like he "was in 7th grade gym." Maryo goes onto say that he would expect someone as fashionable as Simon to buy a brand new outfit just for the game. "He did!" pipes up Alex. Of course he did. Ramoner tells the camera, "Simon's outfit was annoying. In fact, everything about Simon is annoying." WE KNOW, RAMONER. You've mentioned it a time or two. Jesus. Anyhow, Simon is an amazingly good sport about it all.

His stock is rising...for now.

Bethenny tells Jill that Ramoner needs to update her '90s Cosmo dating rules. One of Bethenny's new rules: "think of my vagina as a vase--if you want to have sex with me, send me flowers." Hear that, A-Rod?

Kelly walks in with Max. Bethenny says that she knew Kelly was there when she heard a voice chirping "hi, hey, cute! hi, hi, hey!" Bethenny's imitation of Kelly is dead-on, and I am desperate to have it as my new ringtone.

Brad sees Max and immediately gets a gigantic boner. He can't stop talking about how luscious Max is, and Jill is getting embarrassed, but she's not embarrassed enough to stop herself from asking Kelly and Max, "are we friends, or friends with benefits?" Ooooooh, yeah! Team Jill! Skull and Crossbones! Kelly avoids answering but HELLO, Jill, they are totally effing.

I have been calling Max a Euro, which is a mistake. He's actually from Argentina, which makes him a South American Euro. Brad STILL won't shut up about Max's hotness and Jill (or is it Bobby Z?) apologizes, saying, "Brad's been sipping the honeywine." HONEYWINE. I don't even know what that means and I still love it.

Kelly and Max get into a cutesy pillow fight with Zarin pillows. While Kelly's thinking, "omg! how awesomely cute will this look on camera?!" Jill raises her eyebrows in disapproval, and Kelly tells the camera, "Max is spontaneous, I am spontaneous, and the two of us are firecrackers!" It's the fartfest sentence, remixed.

2. Ramoner is meeting with "the best" logo designers to help design the packaging for her skincare line. (Side note: the 'Moner does have fantastic skin--she's 52 years old but looks early 40s). She tells the camera about how she's been "using skincare products religiously for 20 years and I know that's why my skin looks so good. That's why I'm creating my own skincare line." Was anyone thinking (as I was) "I don't care about YOUR line, what have you been using for the past twenty years?"

Ramoner tells the logo people that the logo they've designed for her looks dirty and she can't have that because she's a very clean person. See how clever she is? She's not only crapped on their work, but done it in a way that insinuates that they are disgusting dirty pigs.

THEN, Ramoner says to the camera: "I don't think a lot of people can do what I do. I'm busy nonstop like you can't believe and to tell you the truth, if I start thinking about it, I could have a breakdown!"

Two things: 1) When/if she does have said breakdown, I hope it's on the reunion show and 2) are all the Housewives contractually obligated to talk about how super-duper crazy insane bananas busy they are? Because every single one of them says it--even that do-nothing Kim from Atlanta.

3. Bethenny has an appearance at a Connecticut grocery store to promote her Bethenny Bakes line. She tells the camera that usually when she makes an appearance, hundreds of people are there. But this appearance...crickets. WORSE than crickets. Everyone is avoiding or ignoring her, so she decides to approach people (with lights and a camera, no less). She is offering them free cupcakes and they are all "no. Do you know where the rostisserie chicken is?" I had to laugh, but only because Bethenny was laughing too. Well, okay, I would have laughed no matter what.

(While this scene was funny, it was all very suspicious. Who turns down a free cupcake? True--they were vegan, but still. Those cupcakes could have been made of wet sand and I'd still take one.)

4. The Countess meets with her "co-writer" (aka "writer") for her book, Class with the Countess. She pontificates in what appears to be an endless way to this poor woman who is taking notes and probably wanting to stab LuAnn in the eye. Instead she just nods and makes affirming noises as LuAnn talks about "kissing on both cheeks is fine because that's what I'm used to, that's what I like, but one cheek is fine." ( Insert obvious joke about "Hey LuAnn, I have a cheek for you to kiss.")

LuAnn also talks about how a date once asked her to split the bill and she said "how DARE you!" before she slapped him with her gloves and climbed into her horse-drawn buggy.

6. Kelly is in LA developing her "jewry" line. Awesome awesome awesome! Name-dropping! Owls! "Life doesn't have a price! Fun doesn't have a price!"

That pretty much covers it.

7. We see Jill working the door, greeting customers at Zarin Fabrics. She tells the camera how much she loves sales, and we believe it. She helps two smartly dressed gay men find window treatments, and all the while I'm thinking "oh God, Jill! Don't blow it! Don't show them that overly fussy shit you put in your own house!" But you know what? She is just fine. They leave happy, and they tell the camera that not only did they love Jill, but she was very knowledgable. I know--they seemed surprised too.

8. Then, as mentioned above, Kelly goes on her run through the streets like she's leading some mf parade. How I prayed for that cab to give her a little nudge. Just a tap. But no.

9. Jill invites Kelly and Kelly's daughters to help design Jill's custom Beatrice Amblard purse, to the tune of $16,000. It's Jill's birthday present.

SO MANY things to discuss about this scene. First, what makes these bags worth $16,000? I understand paying that much for a Birkin; you're paying for the Hermès brand, the exclusivity and the craftsmanship. How on earth did ol' Bea come to be equal with Hermès? She's obviously getting $16k a bag (at least from Jill), but what makes them so special? Fashionistas, speak up!

Uh, I guess I could do a little research. Apparently, Bea Amblard is a "Hermès artisan designing under her own label" and a total bigshot. But still. $16,000 is a lot of money. If I'm going to spend that kind of money on a handbag, it had better be lined with $100 bills and gold teeth.

Moving on. Kelly says, "Jill asked me to help design her handbag, and when she invited the girls too..." I was waiting her for her to finish with "I was thinking that that wasn't such a good idea because they're pretty young and HAVE NO BUSINESS DESIGNING $16,000 HANDBAGS." But no, she says the exact opposite: "Then I knew I wanted to go!"

Predictably, her kids (in matching jackets, natch) act up. One puts a dust cover over her head, and Kelly disciplines with something like "how would you feel if you designed $16k handbags and someone came into your studio and put a dust cover on her head?" Jill praises Kelly's mothering and tells her she could teach the Van Kempens a thing or two. EEK. Jill, shut your mouth or you will be owing Silex even more fabric.

Kelly tells Jill that she's spoiled, getting this expensive purse for her birthday. Jill says this gift is "moderate" and that "considering the economy, I didn't think we should spend a lot." I adore Jill, but she is living on another planet.

10. LuAnn meets with her publisher. They present her with two possible book covers: one with her tits hanging out, and one with her tits hanging out.

One of the women gushes to LuAnn that her life is "a fairytale!" LuAnn modestly admits, "it's a dream come true." If "a dream come true" means you get dumped via email after 16 years of marriage, then yes! Her life is a beautiful fairytale. (Poor LuAnn. Really. The Count is such a d-bag.)

They all pop the champagne. Chin chin, bitches!

11. Traditional Home is shooting Jill's apartment for its May 2009 issue.

Ginger the dog: "FML."

The best moment is when Jill asks the writer where she's from. "We're based out of Des Moines," she answers. "Do you have a PP?" Jill asks. The writer looks confused. Jill explains that she and her friends call private planes "PPs" and that when someone in her group gets a new man, they ask "does he have a big PP?" Yeah, not so funny now that the economy is in the toilet.

12. Ramoner has her friends over for a preview of her skincare line. Watch it here. Here's my thought: Bethenny was out of line. Ramoner is not an idiot. Well, she is, but she's a big girl. Her line is ready to go as "Tru Renewal." There's no going back, yet here's Bethenny, telling her she needs to scrap it and change the name.

Although she tries to brush it off, Ramoner is not happy (see eyes above), and she gets Bethenny back (and then some) with that passive-aggressive "underdog" comment.

13. Bethenny is shooting the cover for her book. And holding up the building.

Her editor tells her that her book is 300 pages and she needs to trim it to 200. What? In my experience, all diet books can be boiled down to a few sentences that could fit onto a post-it.

14. Bobby buys Jill a new Mercedes SUV (watch it here). Jill, please tell me that there was some monkey-business with the editing, because it looks like you threw a fit and rejected Bobby's gift because it didn't have an iPhone dock.

Is this right? Tell the people.

15. Alex's birthday. Simon buys her some gorgeous $6300 earrings (from here) that stretch Alex's earlobes down about 3 inches. They have a driver pick them up at the jewelers, and of course, Simon is prattling on to the camera about "the element of surprise!" In order for Alex to have a great birthday, she must be surprised! Still, they both almost seem likable.

Simon says that the plan is to go home and celebrate with their kids, but he can't have Alex know that--no! Above all, Alex must be surprised! Simon had given the driver previous instructions to take a specific route to the house but for whatever reason, the driver doesn't do this and SIMON BLOWS A FUCKING GASKET. Here he is, in the car, a bright light shining on him and a cameraman in the front seat while he completely loses his shit on the driver.

He is screaming, dropping f-bombs, and flailing around as if he'd just been told that Roberto Cavalli has died, while Alex sits there silently. Alex, this is what I was hoping you say: "Simmer down, freak! You want to make my birthday happy? Do you? Try not humiliating me by acting like a total asshole on national television! NO SEX FOR 1 YEAR. Do you hear me? No wait--I've got a better idea. NO SHOPPING WITH ME FOR 1 MONTH. Oh, now you're listening, aren't you? Now STFU." It really was painful to watch him get so hysterical and do the exact thing that he was accusing the driver of--"ruining everything."

Finally they arrive home. Time for cuppycakes and chin chin with Francois and Johan. Happy happy!

"Okay boys, let's put our smiles on and pretend that we're not in our torn-up basement with our rageaholic Daddy."

THE END.

Did this recap seem particularly angry? I apologize. I'm sick of everyone on this show, and I can't hide it. However, I have great hope for next week, when Kelly doesn't show up to her own Halloween party and pisses off not only Bethenny but Mama Jill. Oooooh! It's going to be GOOD (it better be).

What did you think of this episode?

It's hard out there for a PIMP

2009-04-15T06:45:00.000-07:00

Kathy Griffin's new comedy special "She'll Cut a Bitch" airs at 9pm (EST) tonight, followed by Andy Cohen and his bitchez on Bravo's A-List Awards. I'm not usually one for awards shows, but if it means I can catch a glimpse of The Lewis, I'M ALL OVER IT.

(No offense, Jenni. Your face simply got in the way of my love arrow.)

Dare to live with elegance and flair!

2009-04-14T13:18:00.000-07:00

The first two people who email me (scentedglossymagazines@gmail.com) with their name and mailing address will win a copy of Class with the Countess: How to live with Elegance and Flair, courtesy of Bravo. Get it while you can--this book is sure to be a collectors' item. Rumor has it that LuAnn is going to add a revealing new chapter and change the title to Class with the Countess: How to Live with a Dirty Cheating Viagra-Popping Fucktard.

*UPDATED* We have our winners! Congratulations to Erin and Theresa.

While we're on the topic of books, has anyone bought/read Bethenny's Naturally Thin? What do you think?

Speaking of Bethenny, here's a little taste of what Bravo has in store for you tonight:

Come back tonight to talk after the show.

Oh, one more thing--if you have questions for the RHNYC reunion, email them to the delicious Andy Cohen at andysblog@nbcuni.com.

"When we're together it's a total fartfest."

2009-04-10T06:04:00.000-07:00

Kelly: Omigod Max, can you smell that? I think I just burned a hole in the chair.

Max: Wait until I finish this cabbage. The camera crew are going to wish they'd never been born!

HA, Kelly! That's what you get for not enunciating your words properly. Like many of you, I heard her say "fartfest" instead of "flirtfest" and of course I cackled with delight. I'm still cackling! Fabulosity turns into Flatulosity!

Where do you go after you hit the apex of awesomeness, as the Real Housewives of New York City did last week? No where but down. The real action this week was on the Real Housewives of New Jersey preview (watch the whole thing here). As predicted, the Jersey ladies are walking, talking mobster stereotypes, and I was RIVETED. Kidnapping, Colombian drug cartels, prostitution and bubbies (known as boobies to the rest of the country) are all topics of discussion. And then on top of that? We see a bitch flip a table over.

LOVE IT. (Sorry for that blurry photo, but Teresa's like lightening with the table flipping.) This show is going to be crazy beyond our wildest dreams--I can't wait.

Meanwhile, on Real Housewives of NYC, the main event is ... tennis. Actually, I liked that this was a low-key episode--I'm still recovering from last week. Let us proceed.

1. Another goddamn charity meeting for Jill. Kelly's there and it looks like *someone* got a lecture from her PR rep. Kelly is so helpful this week, bringing in big-ticket donations (a photo session with her famous ex-husband) and smiling like she actually gives a crap.

Jill tells the camera that Kelly's words at the Madonna Meeting probably didn't come out as intended and that Kelly sent her a really nice text ("I'd love to help") afterwards. I wonder what the Countess has to say about sending a half-assed apology via text? Call me old fashioned, but I think it sounds kind of insincere, as in "my PR rep says I should apologize but I don't want to actually apologize, so I'll just send a text in between fartfests."

Ramoner bursts into the room late.

She says she thinks she has a clothing and watch sponsor and then makes the sign of the cross, which I found to be totally bizarre and typical Ramoner.

She offers to donate samples from her new skincare line for the gift bags. Ally laughs as she says "when did you start a skincare line?" It wasn't said unkindly; I interpreted it as more of a nervous teenager laugh, but Ramoner says "I've been working on it for years, sweetheart." And she uses "sweetheart" like the Countess does--as a substitute for "you stupid whore."

Kelly notices Jill's ginormous diamond and tells her "your diamond is bigger than your eyeball!" Jill responds with "yeah and it's dirtier too." I love you, Jill Zarin. Then she tells the camera while wagging her ring finger, "this is the baby. If she's impressed by the baby, she should see the mama!" Jill's diamonds are a testament to the power of blow jobs. Very inspiring.

Ramoner and Jill talk about the tennis match and confirm the date. Jill mentions that that's the day Bethenny is going to see Madonna. SILENCE and TENSION fill the room (and my house) at the reference to Madonna. After a tiny beat, Jill laughs and says, "she's going to see Kelly!" Everyone, including Kelly, chuckles and the awkwardness is replaced by RELIEF.

2. Alex is helping Bethenny rework her Skinny Girl logo. Bethenny expresses her appreciation to the camera and says that she feels badly for making fun of Silex in the past.

3. Countess Luann visits the Boys and Girls Club of Brooklyn to talk about self-esteem, of which she has PLENTY. The anonymous commenter who said "omg. luann with the poor girls. i am cringing so hard i'm burning calories" in my previous post just KILLED me. Can't you imagine Luann saying to Rosie, "Don't count on me for taco night--I'm off to visit the poor children!"

There were lots of uncomfortable moments, but the one that most of you singled out was when one of the poor girls tells Luann she wants to be a model. Luann confidently asks her to stand up and you can see her expression change ever-so-slightly when she sees that the girl is overweight. Luann tells her that she's pretty and tall, and that "losing weight is the easy part!" I hate to take the Countess' side, but I think this was edited. I don't think that even she would be so tactless to bring that up herself--I'm guessing that the girl said "but I need to lose weight" or something like that.

Don't ever say I didn't do anything nice for you, Countess.

I also have to give props to The C-Word for playing basketball with the poor girls in her high heeled boots and shift dress.

Bitch was out for blood, if you ask me. Just because they're poor doesn't mean she should let them win. Did you also notice the Countess going ON and ON about the Count's family again? Her identity is so wrapped up in that title. How is she going to make these little charity visits after the divorce? What will she say? "My ex husband is a Count, and he was given this title because one must be able to COUNT pretty high in order to keep track of the women he fucked during our marriage."

4. Brad and Jill tour Jill's newly decorated apartment. "Do you not love it?" Brad asks. "It's beyond!" Jill breathes. Yes. Beyond hideous. JESUS. I have never seen so many accessories and patterns crammed into one space--just thinking about it gives me a headache. Another favorite comment was from Suzette, who wrote "According to Jill's live blog [Tuesday] night, she is recovering from a boob reduction - probably so she can squeeze down that hallway past the pointy mirrors and the bulging tchatchke cabinets." That may be the most perfectly descriptive sentence I have ever read. Oh, to see that beautiful, spacious entryway defiled in such a manner!

Brad should be arrested. (and a speedy recovery to you, Jill.)

5. Bethenny and her assistant make fun of Silex's website and the fact that Simon has a fan page on facebook. A little harsh, considering that Alex was helping her (for free, I wonder?) and Simon dropped everything to be Jill's tennis partner.

6. Bethenny visits Jill's apartment and her head pops off. Well, almost. She obviously doesn't like it and she totally took the wind out of Jill's sails. Poor Jill. Her apartment is a crowded shiny mess, but she spent a shit-ton of money on it and she loves it. If I were Jill's friend, I would have piled on the enthusiasm for the least offensive items. For examples of least offensive items, please visit Mrs. Limestone (Jill, she has some good advice on how to undo some of Brad's damage).

Jill's LA tennis pro and partner for the Maryo-Ramoner match calls and cancels due to a back injury. PANIC! But then Bethenny and Jill hatch an evil yet brilliant plan--they will ask Ramoner's worst enemy to play with Jill. SIMON. "Will he do it?" Jill wonders aloud. "He'll quit his job to do it." Bethenny responds. She calls him on speakerphone. She explains the situation and does this dead-on freaky imitation of Ramoner with bonkers eyes saying "I didn't know you were coming!" Simon agrees to be Jill's partner. To the camera, Bethenny says "of course" he agreed--he loves to be the center of attention, and he just wants to be "one of the girls."

I must be getting soft in my old age, but I think he was doing it just to be nice.

7. Kelly and Max go on their fart extravaganza. Kelly uses a lot of cliches, and Max tells Kelly that he found her "sparkle" make-up on his face after their last date. It's just one big juicy pot of stupid. Then farty Kelly tells the camera, "everyone wants to go out with Max and Max wants to go out with me. How flattering is that?" Kelly, next time punch YOURSELF.

8. Jill meets Simon to practice some tennis. "I never met an Australian who couldn't play tennis!" Jill says. She's ready to kick some Singer ass. She's happy with how Simon hits with her and Simon seems pretty psyched to take the 'Moner down a notch. Team Jimon!

9. Alex goes to Bethenny's to take some photos for Bethenny's new logo.

Bethenny is hoping that Alex "gets it" and that Jill's charity event will be the perfect place to unveil the new logo. I sense a little foreshadowing here, do you?

10. Later, at Jill's House of Loco, Jill learns that her housekeeper has quit. She's bitching and moaning and says to Bethenny, "I try to keep my life simple!" to which Bethenny responds, "yeah, I can tell by the apartment." Had you been standing on my doorstep at that moment, you would have heard an embarrassingly loud bark of laughter.

11. The long anticipated tennis match! Ramoner and Mario are warming up and the other Housewives show up to watch. Kelly saunters in wearing a shorty-short dress with a huge fabric flower on her cooter, and LORD do I wish there was a picture of it. Brad looks like he's dressed for a Pimp and Ho party. Jill's friends and Bobby show up in their Team Jill skull and crossbones shirts. Ramoner calls it "déclassé." Then this happened, which I thought was a little unexpected:

Bitch is pretty much declaring war on Ramoner. Whose side are you on?

12. Jill arrives over an hour late and Mario yells "ya late! ya late! Ten more minutes and ya woulda forfeited!" Such an effing guido. Simon is darting around in the hallway trying to avoid Ramoner because "the element of surprise is critical." Ramoner's friend Joni (a dead ringer for "Sex and the City's Eurotrash Amalita) tips Ramoner off: "Simon's going to play!" Ramoner says no way, Jill would never do that.

Finally, Simon walks onto the court. Everyone looks at Ramoner, who does not react except for some irrepressible twitching of the eyes. She tells the camera, "I was beside myself! I was so disgusted. I wouldn't give [Jill] the satisfaction [of a tantrum]." Everyone is disappointed with Ramoner's uncharacteristic composure, especially mastermind Bethenny who says that it was anti-climactic and that "the whole purpose was to get Ramoner wound up."

The match starts. Turns out Simon can't play for shit. I feel so sorry for him--he looks like a fool (in more ways than one)

and everyone is laughing at him. Luann says he looks like an 80s aerobics instructor, and while this is accurate, it's not at all polite. After the initial amusement of the whole Simon-is-playing bit wears off, it just becomes downright sad. And boring.

It becomes even more pathetic when Simon asks Alex with great seriousness to get his glasses. WTF? He can't see? Doesn't matter. Still can't play. Jill's embarrassed but is kind to Simon and plays her heart out. Bravo creates some false drama to make us think that Simon and Jill have a chance, when clearly they do not. Ramoner, meanwhile, is blind with fury

After the win, she tells the camera "this is very insulting" and not something that a friend would do to another friend.

Watch your back, Jill.

Next week, it appears that Ramoner is back to her normal self and loses her shit on Bethenny. Ooooh, mistake. Big mistake. I wish you well, Ramoner.

In other news, Bravo's new series NYC Prep premieres June 16. It's a real life Gossip Girl! We'll talk more about it later--delicious.

Come on back tonight for a little chat

2009-04-07T13:42:00.000-07:00

"What do you think of my new table, Bethenny? I had originally wanted to spell out Zarin Fabrics but Brad said it wouldn't fit."

We're going to need to talk--not only is there a new episode of Real Housewives of New York City tonight, but immediately following is the Real Housewives of New Jersey preview special. It's like a dream come true!

Here's a little feast for the eyes (and YES, Zoila appears to be wearing her uniform on the red carpet):

Let's give it up for GQUAKER!

2009-04-07T10:27:00.000-07:00

She's the winner of SGM's March Madness Tournament Challenge! Congratulations also go to LuckyLucyChance (2nd place) and TaJ's Ultimate Bracket (3rd place).

I promised a poem as first prize, but with a name like GQuaker it turned into FREESTYLE RAP. Can I get a beat?

Bow Down Before GQuaker

All haaaaaaaaaaail GQuaker
The ball breaker
The booty shaker
Won the pool like a pro money maker

She picked Ty Lawson and Psycho T
homeboy Roy Williams and UNC
(who cares if they ruined Matt Doherty?)
It's all part of history

HO!
Wave your hands in the air!

She fooled you with her name
you counted her out
you thought she was tame
(or at least liked oatmeal)
but there's no doubt

She's the winner
No beginner
She'll chew you up spit you out
like chicken dinner

We love you GQuaker!

PEACE!

Thanks to all who participated! We'll do it again next March and the prize will be $1,000,000 (taken from my Kenyan lottery winnings). See you then! (or actually in a little bit when I post on RHNYC).

Note to GQuaker: if happen to be a boy or have a blog, let me know and I'll change the rap/link to you.

When the 'Moner meets Woohooooooo

2009-04-06T13:56:00.000-07:00

Can you imagine the conversation?

Ramoner: "Vicki, even though we're in LA, you're in MY world. I invited YOU into MY world and don't you forget it."

Vicki: "Do I know you? I thought you were a fan. If I don't know you, please don't speak to me. Does anyone know if this place has free wifi?"

Ramoner: "Did you know that Kelly Bensimon is braindead? I can prove it. I have her head in my handbag."

Vicki: "Wait, did you say dead? WHO ARE HER BENEFICIARIES? I've been in insurance for 20 years! Stop being confrontational and tell me who they are!"

My head just exploded.

(The crazy sisters were together for the Bravo A-List Awards, taped last night. My invitation must have gotten lost in the mail. See more photos at dlisted, which is pretty much required reading)

From the desk of SGM

2009-04-05T19:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Samantha Ronson,

You are not a 16 year old street thug.

The jig is up, sugartits. Now please stop trying to ruin every single photo you've ever been in.

Love,

SGM

P.S. That face will give you wrinkles.

photo of Sam and Charlotte Ronson (did you know they are twins?!) is from here, of course

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Keri Russell,

You are so beautiful. Plus you seem somewhat normal.

But I would not hesitate to murder you and dump your body in the woods if it meant I could have this outfit.

Love,

SGM

photo from InStyle January 2009

Some follow-up

2009-04-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

1. The Bobby Zarin Look-Alike Contest! Who is Bobby's celebrity doppelganger? I took all of your inspired suggestions and made this list. What do you think?

James Lipton, BOBBY ZARIN, Paul Mitchell

Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder, Tommy Mottola 'The Older Years' and Phil Silvers

(Yes, I am totally aware that my photoshopping skills are for shit. Bitches, I don't even have photoshop, and if you had any idea how long it took me to put this together in Mac Preview (not to mention how many Spanish youtube videos I had to watch to get a shot of old Tommy Mottola) you wouldn't be able to look me in the eye.)

2. This may be the dumbest paragraph you will read this week.

Kelly Bensimon, commenting on her arrest stemming from punching her boyfriend:

My beautiful girls and I are being exposed to a horrible situation. I just think it just unsettling...I support all my friends and my friends have been really amazing with me. It's not really about me. It's about my girls. My girls don't need to be exposed to something like this. It's really inappropriate...I don't want to speak ill of anyone. That's not who I am. I don't want to do that....

What the fuck is she talking about? Exactly who is exposing your girls to this "unsettling" and "inappropriate" situation, Lady Bensimon? Could it be, I don't know, YOU for going all Mike Tyson on your boyfriend? Good God.

I hope she can take some sort of ESL class in prison because she is obviously very confused and painfully limited when it comes to the English language.

3. Kelly has been dropped from her modeling contract with Saks. Technically, it "will not be renewed" but we get the message. I'm sure it has nothing to do with all of her "unsettling and inappropriate" situations. Also, Kelly's Hamptons house was just put on the market for $10.9 mill. Your Mama, of course, has the juicy details.

4. "Ramona. Start the food fight."

You must watch this (and if you want to be entertained even more, go here.)

"You know what? The difference between you and me is that while you're busy talking I'm busy doing things."

2009-04-03T06:02:00.000-07:00

Yeah, Kelly! You tell her! Bethenny just runs her mouth blah blah blah while you get shit done. So she has a thriving career and a bestselling book, BIG DEAL. Everyone knows that a book is just talking that's written down. You, on the other hand, are doing important things--no need to elaborate on that. Everyone knows that people who are chronically late aren't just snorting coke in the bathroom of the Brass Monkey--they're making the world a better place by doing unspecified work that does not include charity. So you'd just better check yourself, Bethenny!

Poor Kelly. Her decision to be a part of The Real Housewives of New York City is proving to be a disastrous one. The bright lights of the camera are exposing her as a vain, self-centered twit, and that ain't good for business (whatever her business may be). But it is SO good for Bravo and for us, because her trashy ass is our treasure. Let's get it on!

1. Ramoner invites Kelly to the Badgely Mischka fashion show.

Kelly is telling Ramoner about her spat with Bethenny at Jill's charity meeting. "Bad manners are rully rully repulsive to me and I was rully rully put off by [Bethenny's behavior]," she says (YES, that is a direct quote).

"Do you think it's jealousy?" Ramoner asks. Kelly blathers on, but basically says no.

(I think now would be a good time to mention that Kelly is also an author. And do you know what the number one Amazon result is when you search for Kelly Bensimon? Bethenny's book. OUCH.)

After the show, Kelly and Ramoner have a drink and 'Moner asks Kelly for advice about how she should handle the detested Simon.

Kelly tells her to be polite and say hi and then move on. There's also a lot of "you're a great awesome girl with rully great awesome amazing energy," which delights me. Kelly segues all of this into how she needs to talk to Bethenny, and tells the camera, "...to be confrontational isn't cool. It's really inappropriate." (btw, if you took a gulp of a Skinny Girl Margarita every time you heard the word "inappropriate" come from Kelly's mouth, you would be in the hospital by the end of this episode).

2. Jill's apartment renovation is almost complete. It looks kind of fussy/tacky, but maybe the previews from next week are coloring my view (did you catch those display cabinets? Holy Jesus, I had to avert my eyes.) She went over budget, but Bobby doesn't care and we are left to assume that Jill gives really excellent blow jobs. Sorry for the mental image of Bobby's peen.

3. Over to Silex's renovation. At this point, I'm bouncing on the couch, hissing "skip these freaks! Let's get to the FIGHT!" But no, we have to listen to Silex drone on and ON and torture their interior designer. Silex talk about how they have this huge photo of Alice Cooper with a snake, and Alex laughs like "we're the coolest craziest most original mofos on the planet!" and the designer is clearly bewildered as he says hesitantly, "I'm glad you guys are edgy."

4. Finally, it's time for the most spectacular confrontation in the history of the illustrious Housewives series. You've all seen it by now (full episode is online so not having cable is no excuse), and if you haven't seen it, then what the HELL is taking you so long?

Every word spoken during this scene deserves our attention, but we've all got chocolate chip cookies to eat and pants to unbutton and more shitty tv to watch, so let's just cover the highlights, shall we?

Kelly charges into the Brass Monkey in her pink wellies and green off-the-shoulder sweater dress.

"Bethenny needs a time out," she tells the camera. And if that doesn't work, how about a spanking? Kelly is so blinded by her own bravado that she cannot sense the DOOM that is sure to result from treating Bethenny like a spoiled eight year old.

When Kelly walks up to Bethenny, we discover that she is a HALF AN HOUR late for her own "sit down." When B points this out, Kelly says breezily, "oh that's too bad" and immediately launches in to her "wur not friends" speech. Bethenny is a little shocked, but calmly agrees. Kelly continues, "your attitude, it's for kids." Trix are for kids too, bitch. What's your point? Let's just go straight to the transcript (sent to me by the angel Paige):

Kelly: You want to play with me, you come up to me, I don't go down to you.
Bethenny: Excuse me? I don't do anything you want me to do.
Kelly: (Laughs) Honestly, Bethenny?
Bethenny: I'm waiting to hear what you invited me here to say.
Kelly: I will not indulge you in this. We're not the same. This is you (gesturing downward) this (she lifts her hand) is me.

Bethenny: You're here (hand-lifting) because why?

OH SHIT. Suggesting that Bethenny is somehow lowborn or beneath you--you might as well start picking out your coffin because YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE. Kelly explains that she's "up there" because she won't put up with B's "bullshit" because "it's totally inappropriate" (take a drink!). Kelly says with saracastic sympathy that she feels so badly for B because she embarrasses herself. B brings up the whole "arthritis is cute" business, which Kelly completely ignores and instead talks about how Bethenny is all talk and Kelly actually does things. What? What things?

Bethenny confronts Kelly about how they've met 7 times and Kelly never remembers her. Of course, Kelly doesn't remember this. She does recall the party where she flirted with Bethenny's boyfriend. Let's go back to the transcript:

Kelly: Okay, I flirted with the man who was taking my picture for Wire Image? I don't think so. He's hired.
Bethenny: He wasn't hired, actually, he was my boyfriend, he came with me.
Kelly: Okay, YOU were invited to MY house?
Bethenny: Yes, by Ginny Hilfiger, she's a friend of mine.
Kelly: Okay, well, Ginny has her opinion of you. But I was so disgusted by your behavior.
Bethenny: My behavior doing what?
Kelly: You tell me doing what. You tell me.

Last week Susannah likened Bethenny to an anaconda who would open her huge jaws and swallow Kelly whole. This is all I could think about as I watched Bethenny eyes turn into narrow slits as she calmly watched Kelly flail around like a rabid hyena. I was waiting for Bethenny to strike the death blow, and I think she tried, but Kelly was so nervous/flustered/stupid/high that most of Bethenny's attacks went over her head. In the end, it was Kelly's own arrogant behavior that made her look like a total jackass.

The scene finishes with Kelly jumping up and running off saying, "I'm not talking to you. Have a great life." Bethenny checks her phone and waits for a few moments before she gets up to leave. As she's walking out, she runs into Kelly AGAIN.

Kelly: You need to chill out. You are so inappropriate.
Bethenny (completely calm): I'm completely calm.
Kelly: Oh my GOD. You're crazy. I gotta go on a date!

Bethenny: (dryly, as Kelly is running off): With your imaginary boyfriend?

HA.

5. Kelly meets her imaginary boyfriend/date, Maximilian. He's a good-looking, smarmy Euro and Kelly is ALL OVER him, but first she has to vent about the Bethenny incident. She makes it sound as if she was the one who was cool and calm and that Bethenny was the rabid hyena with the Valley girl accent.

She tells the camera that she was very unsettled by the conversation and after (apparently) consulting her thesaurus, calls the whole incident "childish, sophomoric, high school and inappropriate." She also says like she felt she was a parent explaining proper protocol to a child. Gosh, I wonder why anyone would find that offensive?

"It's just a matter of upbringing though, some people just don't know," she tells Max. Bethenny's eyes will pop out of her head when she hears this.

Max listens and makes noises of consolation, and Kelly manages to slip in her new vocabulary word "foil." Then Max says "let's go fuck, lady with Pink Panther legs," and Kelly hops up and says "awesome!" (that's the gist, anyway.)

6. Bethenny is emotionally blackmailed into going with Ramoner to watch Mario play tennis. Ramoner says, "hey, I heard you had an altercation with Kelly." Bethenny relates the story from the charity meeting and then does an excellent impression of Kelly (she really has a gift) at the Brass Monkey meeting. Here she is doing the "this is you and this is me" that will haunt Kelly forever:

Ramoner's eyes are working overtime. She can't believe it! Bethenny tells the camera that if Kelly would have said, "you were snide and hurt my feelings," Bethenny would have apologized. Instead, Kelly came at her in a threatening way, in a "you don't know who you're messing with" way and that type of approach doesn't fly with B. In fact, it inflames her. She tells Ramoner that Kelly is "a raving lunatic" and "a loose cannon."

Ramoner is uncharacteristically diplomatic when she tells the camera that she's heard both sides and doesn't know what to think except that "not everyone likes everyone."

7. It's installation day at Jill's apartment. The tv doesn't fit and she's freaking out. I love Jill and think she would be a fantastic friend, but I would never want to work for her. Too much kvetching.

8. Ramoner and Mario are at dinner, and Ramoner brings up the doubles match with Jill, who's being a little wishy-washy on setting a date. Mario calls Jill a primadonna and there is much eye-rolling as Ramoner says that Jill just needs to lighten up. What's the problem with setting a date, they wonder, because it's not like Jill has any obligations--she just shops, eats and travels with Bobby. Harsh! What I want to know is why Jill just doesn't say "Mary-o, you're a pain in the ass and I don't want to play tennis with you."

Moving on. Ramoner tells Mario that she's upset with Kelly, who wrote a piece for Page Six Magazine talking about how she was introducing the Housewives to "her" world, which is fashion. Ramoner is all "fashion is MY world and I invited HER into MY world." She says that Kelly is a liar, and that "maybe she's braindead." Check the eyes:

I find it fascinating that there are so many genuine reasons for which to dislike Kelly, yet Ramoner doesn't latch onto any of them. Instead, she picks up this one generalized sentence and calls her braindead. Whatever, Ramoner. I'm just glad you're no longer on Team Fakey Fake Horseface.

9. The Countess! Kelly says that she invited the Countess to the Page Six Magazine party because she thought LuAnn would really have fun. Is she lying again? All of the other housewives (except Bethenny) are at this party--is Kelly saying that the Countess would not have been invited otherwise?

In the car on the way over, Kelly brings up Bethenny's "attack" on her at the charity meeting. LuAnn calls that shit out, and says that it wasn't really an attack, but that Bethenny was "stand-offish." When the Countess learns that Kelly wanted to meet with Bethenny to talk about it, she is surprised and tells the camera that she didn't think it was necessary. When the Countess learns that Kelly was LATE to said meeting, she shakes her head in disbelief with a look that says, "woman, you have balls, big hairy horsey balls." Finally, the Countess is using her condescending manner for GOOD instead of EVIL.

Kelly, once again, makes Bethenny out to be the hysteric and of course, "inappropriate and ill-mannered."

By the by, you know what else is inappropriate and ill-mannered? Punching your boyfriend and getting arrested.

Anyhow! The Countess tries to explain that Bethenny can come off as tough but has a good heart, and Kelly says "I don't see her as tough at all; I see her as...displaced." Displaced? Like a refugee? What in God's name is she talking about?! Then she says more nonsense to the camera about "I feel sorry for Bethenny because she has no impact on my life whatsoever." Oh really? I bet she's having an impact on your Amazon book sales, sister.

10. At the Page Six Magazine party, LuAnn and Kelly are talking with LuAnn's literary (!) agent. The Countess is explaining how her husband's ancestor turned down the title of Duke and that the Countess should really be a Duchess. Did anyone else feel sorry for her in light of her present circumstance? She's so proud of her husband's noble family, yet it isn't too difficult to imagine them as a bunch of assholes who bought their titles with stolen money.

11. Ramoner confronts Kelly about the sentence and Kelly immediately backtracks saying "I wasn't talking about YOU." Ramoner is pacified. I know you want to see the eyes again. Here they are.

12. Bobby looks like a P-I-M-P and Brad is dressed as though he is a part of the gay Rythym Nation.

13. Jill spies Mario and tells the camera she's going to pick a fight with him over this stupid tennis match. I love to watch Bobby fade away as Jill and Mario start screaming at each other. Big Daddy loves Jill, but he does not like the drama. (by the way, I have spent HOURS racking my brain trying to think of the name of the minor celeb who looks like Bobby. Who is it? Someone with full beard, ponytail and blue eyes. HELP.) So Mario is getting all red in the face, shushing Jill and being loud and rude, and Jill finally says "Ahm gonna punch you OUT."

"Gah head!" Mario responds. Where the hell is Ramoner? At that moment, Bobby saunters over and leans into Jill and casually says, "you need help, baby?" Jill, who is furiously texting, says "take cara him" as she motions to Mario. "Security!" Bobby calls out over his shoulder, waving his drink. Everyone smiles. SITUATION DIFFUSED. (Did you know that Bobby has his own Facebook fan page? Rightly so, if you ask me.) But Jill is serious! They actually have a driver/bodyguard, Wayne, at the party. Jill calls Wayne over. "WAAAAYNE! Would you take cara him? Stop shaking his hand!" But she says it all with a smile, and she's still texting. Kelly, take note: this is how you handle it when someone is rude to you.

14. Then Mario and Ramoner take on Silex. I think they were just drunk, walking around stirring up trouble. The conflict this time is about how Ramoner invited Silex to a big fancy party a while ago and then they made her look like a fool when they didn't say "Oh, by the way, Alex has some scandalous nude photos coming out tomorrow." More crazy eyes to the camera.

Silex denies everything and calls Ramoner rude and a hypocrite. (duh)

That's it! So much fighting. I loved your comments right after the show. Have more to say? Are the fans of Kelly still out there? Spill it.

April Food Day

2009-04-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

As unemployment levels rise, food banks are being overwhelmed by huge demand and lower supplies. Imagine how much pride a person has to swallow to go to a food bank for the first time, only to be told that the shelves are empty.

If you can spare anything, even a dollar, please consider donating. (and pssst, it's tax deductible and you can walk around telling people that you "come from a place of yes")

Make your contribution HERE, and help spread the word.

Read more about April Food Day in the Huffington Post.

Discuss

2009-03-31T19:48:00.000-07:00

"So then I told her that she was being inappropriate and that she should just go fuck herself, hahahahaha!"

The recap is coming, but I want to talk about this NOW and I know you do too--let's hear it!

But will she still be a Countess?

2009-03-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

Page Six is reporting that LuAnn de Lesseps is separating from her husband, the Count.

Finally, LuAnn can admit he's an old fogey (and also shitworm--he dumped her via email. COLD.)

I know what you're thinking,

2009-03-30T21:50:00.000-07:00

but I swear it wasn't me.

Questions, so many questions, and RAMONER IS 52

2009-03-30T07:39:00.000-07:00

1. The Jill and Bethenny Show on Chelsea Lately. Funny, especially "what's up with that gross pasty couple on your show?"

2. Bravo tells me that a series of Bethenny impersonating Jill is in the works. Can Bethenny sustain a entire show pretending to be Jill screaming for Bahhhhhbby, Aaaaally and her pockabooks?

UPDATED: it's going to be an online series at bravotv.com.

3. From newyorksocialdiary.com:

Counts, countesses and no-accounting: Word comes from across the sea, that New York Housewives’ Luann deLesseps has flown off (desperately?) to Europe to see husband Alex in an attempt to save their crumbling marriage. Alex, the Count de Lesseps has, it is said on the streets of Geneva, taken up with a beautiful Ethiopian beauty who is not only quite a bit younger than he but also quite a bit younger than his wife.

The Count needs to be taught some manners, huh? And someone definitely needs to cut off his supply of Viagra. Read the rest of the article here. Thanks, Heather.

4. Thanks to the anon who alerted me to the article here that divulged the ages of the NYC housewives. Ramoner is 52?! No fucking way! ALLEGEDLY, the Countess is 43 and Jill is 45. Thoughts?

"I think that at a certain age, you have to wear a brawr."

2009-03-28T09:04:00.000-07:00

How much do we love Jill? OH. SO. MUCH.

So, Kelly. Yes, you need to wear a brawr, especially in light of the fact that your tits are at eye level for most people. No one* needs to be greeted with your headlights shining in their eyes. I'm sure the Countess would be more than willing to instruct you on the subject and take you brawr shopping. Doesn't that sound fun? I'll set it up--you can thank me later.

In this week's episode of The Real Housewives of NYC, we see the real Kelly Bensimon--not the hotpants-wearing shy Kelly, but the hotpants-wearing goddamn RUDE Kelly. Batter up, bitches!

1. Kelly is grumpily going through her stacks of Fashion Week invites with her assistant. Oh, the stress of being invited to so many glamorous parties! In the words of Justin Timberlake, CRY ME A RIVER.

(Is anyone else compelled to sing Fergie's song when spelling "glamorous"?)

(If you want to see more of Kelly's home without her big head in the way, go HERE.)

2. Designer Zang Toi is throwing a private show for Jill and her friends, and Jill visits his studio to choose an outfit for the big day. I adore Jill, but her accent in this scene about made my head split open. Or maybe I was just resentful that she says she is a natural 32G and can fit into a model-size zero gown.

What the hell? 1) that's just not fair and 2) I don't believe it. I know you're tiny, Jill, but a model size zero gown cannot accommodate 32Gs without some seams bursting. (Good Lord, I didn't even know it was possible to be 32 and a G cup without plastic surgery.)

Lots more happens in this scene, but I'm eager to get the the Kelly business, so I'll just cut to the chase and say that Zang plays the stereotypical Flamboyant Gay Asian and Jill plays the stereotypical Jewish Society Woman. It's funny, and exactly how you would imagine it.

Oh, one more thing. When Jill spots this gorgeous show-stopping necklace at Zang's, she says "I could have walked out naked in it! Well, I wouldn't have--I'm not Alex." ZING.

3. Fashion label Christopher Dean has invited Alex to its fashion show and she and Simon visit the store to pick out a dress. Alex says, "people who don't live in New York City might not know that there are thriving, cutting edge designers who choose to base themselves out of Brooklyn." Yes, and people who say condescending shit like that may not know that people who live outside of New York City are not idiots.

Alex actually looks great in everything she tries on--beautiful clothes. Simon, on the other hand, is his usual icky self. Not only does he say the word "breasts" but he demonstrates what he's talking about.

Honey, Alex may enjoy that, but we don't. I'm beginning to shrink away from you when you appear on the screen.

4. A friend of Jill's is going to be hosting a charity event for juvenile arthritis. Jill's daughter Ally has arthritis, and Ramona's daughter Avery has it too. (What's with the Upper East Side teens and their arthritis? Is Celebrex a new street drug or something?) Bethenny, Ramoner and Jill attend an organizational meeting for the event. Bethenny takes charge by offering to bartend the event and supply everything for Skinny Girl Margs. There's a little scuffle about ticket prices, but not a big deal. Believe me when I say that the next planning meeting is MUCH more interesting.

5. Fashion Week! Kelly invites the Housewives to attend Russell Simmon's show because he's a "rully good friend" of hers (I guess we should get used to this--seems like she's "rully good friends" with every celebrity on the earth). In the lobby, the Countess and Ramoner have an awkward kiss-kiss and it's obvious the Countess is still pissed about their fight two episodes ago. Side note: the Countess brings her 11 year old son to the show. Is that weird? I think it's weird.

Ramoner and Kelly are sitting next to each other in the front row when Alex and Simon walk in. Ramoner greets Alex somewhat warmly and then completely ignores Simon--who, to my horror, wants to have a heart-to-heart right then and there. So picture Ramoner sitting down, avoiding all eye contact, while Simon hovers over her (and probably drips sweat on her) while demanding answers. It's a totally bizarre confrontation that only Ramoner and Simon could have. For example, Simon tells Ramoner that she wants to "blank him all the time," and Ramoner says "I want to WHAT?" and Simon repeats. Ramoner answers (with what I think is sarcasm),

I am all "WHAT? Is this about SEX? Is that what they are saying?" I finally realize that Simon is telling Ramoner that she wants to shut him out, but I don't really think that even Ramoner understood this until later. I think she thinks they're talking about sex. Anyhow. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Ridiculous. Watch the clip here if you need an extra dose of stupidity today.

I actually have to give points to Simon for going back to his seat next to Alex and not saying "God, Ramoner is such a fucking psycho!" He just starts talking pleasantly about how he likes their seats.

6. The Countess and Kelly are shopping at Malo because they are both going to the Malo show. DIVINE clothes. Look at this wrap dress!

... and look at Kelly's "shorts." Jesus H. Christ. Not only does Kelly not wear a brawr, but she wears her gd underwear as SHORTS.

Kelly doesn't want to try on clothes. The Countess says that it's because Kelly's shy--she just needs to be coaxed out of her shell. Cut to Kelly who says it's because she was a MODEL and trying on expensive designer clothes is just a big effing YAWNER. She finally puts on a few things and ends up selecting the dress the Countess is wearing above. Before they leave, the Countess mentions that Jill wants Kelly to come to the next arthritis charity meeting.

7. Kelly and the Countess are at the Malo show, front row. They talk about Simon confronting Ramoner. "There's a backstory there that I don't know," Kelly says. OH, REALLY? Kelly, are you trying to tell us that you joined this reality show without having watched the Ramoner-Simon episode? You didn't watch the reunion, or get the highlights from anyone? I call BULLSHIT.

The Countess obliges and explains how Ramoner went NUTS on Simon when Alex brought him along for a girls' night at Jill's last year.

The Countess brings up Jill's charity meeting again, and Kelly says, "Yeah, I'm not happy about that. I don't even have time to support my own charities." Hmmm, okay. The Countess, for once in her life, actually asks a pertinent question: "what are your charities?"

"Oh," Kelly responds. "I don't do charities." (see her backpedal like cra-zy on her Bravo blog.) I was waiting for her to continue with "I am actually rully busy thinking about horses and all of my rully rully famous friends."

The Countess tells the camera that Kelly's complete lack of interest in charity work is "surprising," which is UES code for "evil."

Kelly goes on to say that charities use her name to promote their events and she doesn't like being used that way. "I'm a very private person," she insists. Hahahahaha! You're very PRIVATE, yet you're on a REALITY SHOW. Oh, good one, Kel. It's nice to see someone besides the Countess being totally hypocritical.

(Do you hate her yet?)

Where was I, Countess? Oh yeah--screw those pediatric AIDS patients. They're just using me!

The Countess, sensing an opportunity to be authoritative, tries to explain to Kelly why charity work is important: "I like to give back to the homeless." Yes, because the homeless have done so much for you? What?

8. It's time for Jill's private Zang Toi fashion show! Did you know that Brad is also a make-up artist? He is! He's doing Jill's make-up and Jill admits that she hasn't eaten anything all day in order to fit into her dress and passed out on the street. "Get me a Diet Coke!" she shrills. Then she talks how she grew up in a family obsessed with weight, and that she's probably (you think?) passed it on to Ally. She and her sister talk about how they would pour water on their food (and still do) in order to stop eating. See? The 32G in a size zero body does not come without a price--pouring water on french fries should be punishable by death.

Bethenny arrives at the party. Does her Jill imitation (here's some new footage that you must watch, btw. OMG, it KILLS me when she screams for Bobby to bring her "pocketbook"). Talks about how Jill lives for this shit (fancy exclusive parties), and it's "her moment." The fashion show goes off without a hitch, Jill plugs Zarin Fabrics, and it's a wrap.

9. Kelly talks about her career as a writer for Page Six Magazine. Does she even write anymore? I can't find anything remotely recent from her. Anyhow, we see her interviewing fashion designer Jill Stuart and barely taking any notes. She talks about how she knows all of these rully rully famous people on like, a deeper level, and like, they trust her to like, not like, write anything bad about them. Whatever, Scoop. [insert me rolling my eyes]

10. Bethenny and Jill meet for lunch at Le Cirque and some major juicy shit-talking about Kelly commences. The famous brawr comment is made, and Bethenny explains why she hates Kelly so much--Kelly hit on Bethenny's then-boyfriend and ignored Bethenny because she was "a nobody." Best part is when B says that she read an article about Kelly being in a shark tank, and B quips, "you have not spent an hour with me."

11. Then the Bethenny - Kelly fashion show tension. EEK!

12. Bravo saves the very best part for last. It's the second meeting for Jill's arthritis charity event. Bethenny is there as well as the Countess and Ally.

Kelly saunters in a half hour late, her chi chis hanging loose, without a word of apology. She tells the camera that she's chronically late, and it's just that she's so busy. More busy than anyone in that room, apparently! In the world!

Everything is repeated for the sake of Kelly. Then Jill introduces Ally to Kelly and says, "Allyson has arthritis." NOW GET THIS--Kelly responds with, "oh, I didn't know that. That's cute." Confused looks are exchanged. OMFG. Is she drunk?

Jill goes onto say that Kelly, as well as the other Housewives, will be honorary co-chairs. Translation: no work, just glory. Kelly's all "wait. I don't lend my name to anything. I just really don't have the time." Bethenny is rolling her eyes, and you can tells she's not going to let this go. When she finally speaks, she says sharply, "evidently [Kelly's] Madonna." Kelly gets defensive, saying, "I just don't have the time and I don't know what this is about. Ally's an awesome adorable awesome little cute awesome girl, but I don't like my name on things because I'M SO FUCKING PRIVATE sitting here with my hooters hanging out." (I'm paraphrasing). Bethenny lays into her, saying, "usually people come from a place of 'yes' when helping with charities, but you're coming from place of 'no.' That's FINE." Ooooooh! She adds that if you come to a meeting, you do so with the intention of helping, and if you don't want to help, then talk to Jill privately afterward. Snarls and more words are exchanged. Uncomfortable, yet VERY EXCITING.

The End.

Ladies and Gentlemen, IT'S ON! I am counting the minutes until next week's episode, when Bethenny and Kelly have it OUT. You'd better believe we will rehash it all right here.

*Frank takes exception to this comment. He thinks that all straight men like, and indeed prefer, to be greeted this way. I stand corrected.

I'm sorry, but Bethenny needs a WHAT?!

2009-03-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

We all knew it was coming, but this clip from next week's showdown between Kelly and Bethenny caused me to run out of the room shrieking. I might have also peed my pants.

Just go watch it. I'll wait.

Because I know you care.

2009-03-25T21:25:00.001-07:00

Atlanta hobag Kim Zolciak and her feisty publicist have reconciled. Thank God! The sad news is that her website will shut down for good on March 30.

Note to Kim: for the love of GOD, would you please ease up on the make-up? You are the inspiration behind the phrase "hot tranny mess."

ICY!

2009-03-24T14:31:00.000-07:00

This is what's in store for you tonight (those using a reader, click on through):

Take THAT, Kelly! Nevah, evah flirt with Bethenny's man. (Isn't that Beth whats-her-face sitting next to Kelly?)

Also, check this shit out:

WOOOOOO! She's hanging on my every tweet, you guys! (Actually, she follows anyone who follows her. She's so polite, that Bethenny. Except when you hit on her boyfriend. Oh, and actually I don't tweet at all, I'm just a follower. Like, if you told me that drinking tainted Kool Aid with my fellow cult members would bring me closer to God, I would totally do it.)

One more thing: Bethenny is claiming that she can make Oprah thin with virtually no exercise. How? By making Oprah a fragile neurotic wreck who asks for relationship advice from Silex? Just jokes, Bethenny! (Oh God, I hope I haven't pissed her off.)

There's an RHOC/RHNYC marathon on right now for those of you who'd like to catch up. See you soon!

"The problem today with women...."

2009-03-19T12:31:00.000-07:00

Whenever I hear a sentence that begins with those words, my hand automatically clenches into a fist because chances are, the speaker needs a punch in mouth. You'll be happy to know that the Countess is no exception, as she ends her sentence with "...is that guys are fed up with being too equal." That sounds like the man's problem to me, but whatever. Point is, the Countess thinks women should hide their intelligence in order to get a man. Fantastic advice, Countess! For the 18th century. Maybe you should move there--you'd fit right in.

This week's episode of Real Housewives of New York was not jam-packed with the drama to which we've grown accustomed, but it still had some wonderfully entertaining moments. Let's recap!

1. Bethenny is staying at Ramoner's house in the Hamptons for Labor Day weekend. They are walking dogs outside and chatting, and the subject of Ramoner and Luann's epic fight comes up. Apparently, Ramoner was initially contrite and sent the Countess Champagne after the incident (impressive, Ramoner!), but as more time passed she realized that "[Luann] was the jerk. I did nothing wrong!" Ramoner claims that she was only stating a fact--that indeed Luann did marry an "old man."

Ramoner also does this embarrassing/excellent impression of the Countess being all "oh dahling! La di dah!":

Then there is an entirely too long discussion about whether Mario is gorgeous or not. Bethenny tells the camera that she and Ramoner are "on the same page" in regard to Luann. I clench my fist again, but this time in VICTORY.

2. Still in the Hamptons, the Countess' 13 year old daughter, Victoria, is packing for boarding school. The best moment of this scene is when Luann asks where the hamster is. Oh, he died. There was a little funeral complete with backyard burial and Luann had no idea. Never one to take responsibility, she just blames it on Victoria--"she's too busy!" Luann then asks son Noel if he's brushed his teeth, fed the dog, fed the fish. Noel informs her that the fish is dead too. Holy smokes. Watch out, Astin. The chances of you making it to your next lavish doggy birthday party are NOT GOOD.

Here, Astin, yummy rat poison kibbles!

The Countess and Victoria have this forced "I'm so proud of you" conversation in which Luann unconvincingly plays the role of Mother Who Will Actually Notice that Her Daughter is Gone. (Oh my, I am harsh today.) Anyhow, after this scene, my husband (who thinks I get way too worked up about La Comtesse) remarked dryly, "that was touching."

3. Back in the city--Simon and Alex arrive home from their vacation in St. Bart's. Their house is a WRECK, and they are disappointed to see that their renovation is moving so slowly. They sort through their Fashion Week invites with practiced nonchalance. It is strangely painful because you get the impression that they think they are being invited because they are Famous and Fashionable--not because they are on a reality show and might give the designers some free press.

Did anyone else notice the mofo dreamcatchers taped to a closet door? Like, 2 XL dreamcatchers affixed to a door with big strips of painter's tape. What on earth? This delighted me to NO END.

4. Blah blah blah with the Countess about how Victoria is gone and Noel is enjoying being king of taco night (or some shit like that). What I did notice is that when she was talking to Rosanna about her love of Celine Dion (!), I couldn't understand her because she was talking with her mouth full. As Bethenny suggested in the last episode, if you're gonnna declare war on something, you best not be caught doing it yourself. I believe that's what we call a hypocrite. Or the religious right. (ooooh, was that out of nowhere or what?)

5. Brad clears out Jill's Manhattan apartment for redecoration. Bobby gave his approval, but Jill did not. She had no idea her apartment was going to empty when she returned from the Hamptons. "WHERE'S MY STUFF?" she yells several times in her Long Island accent, and Brad scurries around trying to appease her. I curl up into a ball and wait for it to end. I hate it when Mommy's mad at Daddy.

6. All of the Housewives are invited to a party hosted by Russel Simmons and Sting. Simon is all puffed up as he tells the camera that party promoters like to "reach out to recognizable people." At the party, we see him being introduced as the OWNER of the Hotel Chandler, when he is in fact the MANAGER. There was some mumbly mumbly to Alex at this point that I couldn't quite catch, but the fact is, he did nothing to correct the person. wtf, Simon? (Actually, you can read his blog to see his explanation.)

We then see Ramoner talking shit about Silex and then conspicuously ignoring them. Ah, Ramoner, just when we start to warm up to you, you start acting like a damn wackjob again.

Luann learns from Silex that they are writing a parenting book. She gives them loads of fake smiles and says "well, that's fun!" Cut to Luann derisively laughing and telling the camera, "judging from their children's behavior, I don't think they'd be the authority on that." Yeah, that'd be like some rude pretentious a-hole writing a book about manners, huh? JESUS.

7. Luann shows up at Kelly's for a cooking lesson. YAWN, except for the fact that Kelly has a LIFE SIZE sculpture of a horse in the middle of her living room and Luann behaves as if she is Kelly's despised mother-in-law ("Why are you having them wear sweaters? They'll get hot! Look, they're hot!" and "Stop being the mommy, please. They [the children] are fine.")

8. Ramoner and Avery go shoe shopping. If you think you are embarrassed watching Ramoner, just imagine how you'd feel if you were her 13 year old daughter. Oy. Ramona has Avery try on some sky-high heels just for fun, and suddenly, Avery is transformed into va va voom! Seriously, our Avery's all grown up. Ramoner gets teary, drops $3756 on 5 pair of shoes, and they leave.

9. Bethenny and Luann go out for lunch. Bethenny says she wants to get past the retouching incident because she thinks Luann is a "pretty cool woman in general." Ooooh, that opinion is about to change!

First, Luann informs B that Silex are writing a book about parenting and then literally throws her head back and guffaws.

I know that many of us had the same reaction, but we 1) aren't on national tv, 2) we don't claim to be friends with Silex, and 3) we aren't claiming to be EXPERTS in ETIQUETTE. Let's leave it at that, shall we?

Bethenny tells the Countess that she has a date. "What does he look like?" is naturally her first question. Then Luann proceeds to spend the whole lunch patronizing Bethenny and instructing her on the fine art of seduction.

"You must speak slowly, and let him look at your lips."

"Do you think I am retarded?"

To top it off, Luann tells the camera that Bethenny's a little too aggro and needs to tone it down. To Bethenny's face, she says "don't be sharp as a whip." WHAT? I also get the impression that the Countess doesn't think much of Bethenny's boobs, either:

Bethenny is ANNOYED. She tells the camera that she's being treated as if she's never gone out on a date in her life. Bethenny, all of us watching--we get it. We know that you could get 10 men in the time it would take the Countess to get one. The problem is not that you can't find anyone, but that you can't find The One. The Countess is a self-absorbed blowhard, and that's pretty much the only thing anyone learned from this scene. I practially stood up and cheered when you said to the camera, "Luann doesn't have a better life than anyone else. That she wants me to emulate her...drop everything for Prince Charming...it's delusional." AMEN.

10. Bethenny goes on her date, which happens to be with a fellow chef. To sum up how it went, my husband, who was just passing through said, "he's gay, right?" Our girl B definitely wasn't feeling any chemistry.

11. Alex is helping Bethenny with her booth at a health fair. Poor B starts rehashing her man problems AGAIN, but it is made tolerable by the fact that she drops many of her trademark a-bomb one liners. For example, she and Alex wander up to another booth and Bethenny loudly asks Alex if she slept with Simon on the first date. Then she realizes that the vendor is staring straight at her and she suddenly smiles at him and says "Namaste!" while going into this mini-yogi pose. Love her. FYI, Alex and Simon had sex on the second date.

Alex gets all tearful as she relates a wedding night story to the camera, something about how she told Simon to take care of her heart, and he always has. I'm so glad she found him. Really. Simon being off the market and happy means that dozens of women in NYC have been spared sure-to-be uncomfortable blind dates with him.

12. Jill visits Alex and Simon's renovation (and btw, they are still living there). Apparently Jill felt so badly for bashing them to Cindy Adams, she has offered to "take care of them" with any of their fabric needs. YOWZA. That's a lot of money. Jill is horrified when she sees the house. Calls it a total disaster, unsafe, and says to the camera "I would NEVAH live in that squalor." SQUALOR!

Indeed, the house is pretty bad, but Jill acts like they are living in underground sewers. Silex, make no mistake, you will pay for every cent of that "free" fabric!

NEXT WEEK: tension and anger between Bethenny and Kelly. Why? Oh, I can't wait to find out. See you next week!

Hookers and alcohol included

2009-03-18T10:05:00.000-07:00

Big news, everyone. All participants in The 2nd Annual SGM High Roller March Madness Challenge are invited on an all-expenses paid trip to Bora Bora!

(I KNOW. I just cashed my AIG bonus check. PAR-TAY!)

Just click on the link. Join. Make your picks. Start packing. Deadline is Thursday at 12 noon (EST).

Oh, and you're gonna want to check this out:

Real Housewives of New Jersey premieres May 12.

Terms and Conditions:

Please be aware that any or all of the statements in this post may be construed as unethical, misleading or false. SGM is simply trying to drum up a little excitement for her March Madness pool since 98% of you ignored the invitation in her last post. Those who continue to disregard her polite requests do so at their own risk.

Won't you join me in the pool?

2009-03-16T11:37:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again, and I am excited to invite you to participate in The 2nd Annual SGM High Roller March Madness Challenge!

No experience or prior knowledge of basketball is necessary--all you need is a desire to participate in a little friendly competition and/or an interest in watching strapping young men get all sweaty and intense. The winner shall receive a highly personalized poem lauding his or her superiority over the rest of us.

Click HERE to enter (you'll need a yahoo account)(or you can email me and I will send you a personal invite that will shortcut all of that). Easy as pie.

The disco music is a nice touch

2009-03-13T15:37:00.000-07:00

Two more people will soon know the secret to living with elegance and flair!

2009-03-13T12:08:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to S.J. and Jessica! Each will win her own copy of Class with the Countess to treasure and pass down through the generations.

Here is S.J.'s desperate cry for help; I highlighted my favorite part for you skimmers:

To put it simply, I live in smalltown, KS. A lovely town with lovely people lacking a Countess to guide us gracefully through the muddy waters of social interaction. This is an opportunity to introduce a sense of grace and poise that only royalty can impart upon us.

As an educator in this lovely town, I have the ability to effect great change as a result of her tutelage. For example, I am curious to know how the Countess would handle spit cups left in public spaces, or how to politely inform my students that shoes should be worn at all times for our own personal health and cleanliness.

And on a personal note, I would like to learn how I might climb the social ladder of our small town as I am already married and not to a Duke. Much like Bethany, I need to understand the Countess' definition of class - am I inherently born with class, or is it something I can achieve by attaching myself to those with 'title' in our town? And how do I determine the properly 'titled' individuals?

I have already learned so much about how to publicly correct and shame my friends and coworkers who do not behave with the level of class I deem acceptable and to disguise my jabs at their lack of class, style, or beauty in statements of concern for their well-being. She is a fountain of knowledge from which I would like to continue to drink. Please consider allowing me to be one of your reviewers of what will surely be a great guide of ettiquette to challenge the stuffy, boring, how-to books of Emily Post and Martha

I especially admired S.J.'s courage in opening up and admitting that she is not married to a Duke. So brave

Jessica tells a story of a boorish woman who could really use the Countess' book (actually I think she'd benefit more from being whacked over the head with it):

My mother had a friend who was the ultimate pseudo-snob who had no clue what a fool she was. Looking back, I think my mother only tolerated her because they had a connection through our church and, well, God says you're supposed to love your "frenemies." Growing up, we were expected to play with her kids when she would come and park herself at our dining room table while her awful spawn ran rampant through the house and yard destroying things. We raised lots of animals and once, one of her sons threw a batch of baby chicks into the water trough. After rescuing them, my sister and I ran in and breathlessly told the grownups what had happened. The evil mini-sized serial (almost) killer was summoned and his mother asked if he had done this and he, of course, denied it. She looked at us and then to my mom and said, in a knowing tone, "Well, MY son wouldn't lie to me." with the implication being that we were certainly capable of it. As we got older, we realized she was outrageous and, mercifully, she finally moved across the country with her whole brood.

This woman reappeared back at my parents' home after my mother died. Even though my mother had a long illness, she never visited and didn't make it to the funeral. In a bizarre move, she invited herself to stay with my father -- you're thinking she was going to make a move but I really don't think that was the motivation -- I believe that despite being "a physician's wife," she was basically cheap. She used the house as a jumping off point to visit other, more fabulous friends and not have to pay for a hotel.

On the last day, my sister and I were at the house mainly to see her in action and thinking my father may strangle her if he got the chance (and we didn't want to miss that). She got a vase from under my father's sink and proceeded to cut flowers from his carefully tended garden and made a bouquet and then announced she would now like a ride to the cemetery so she could place this on my mother's grave. She then asked my sister and me multiple times if we thought she'd done a good job on the arrangement. She acted as if this were a charitable, unselfish act while we fumed and plotted her demise. Mercifully, she left soon after and we haven't seen her since.

Hopefully she's hidden away, taking private lessons with the Countess, Jessica.

Please, join me in a jealous "chin chin" to these deserving winners whose lives are about to be transformed by the Countess' words of wisdom.

Thanks to all who entered! If you didn't win this time, do not despair. More books will be given away in April.

Have a lovely weekend.

"Marrying someone with a title doesn't give you class."

2009-03-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

*UPDATED BELOW*

That's right, Mrs. Bitchface! Bethenny is talking about YOU. You got a problem with that? DO YOU? Because, "as we say in French," you are due for "le beatdown" and I think, after this week's episode, I could convince Bethenny and Ramoner (along with half of the RHNYC viewing audience) to give it to you. Watch your back, skank.

Ahem.

Let us proceed with the recap for this week's very entertaining Real Housewives of NYC.

1. Jill is totally sick of the decor in her apartment and needs to move or completely redecorate. She's at the end of her rope. Life is so cruel! Her gay husband/employee/interior designer, Brad creates an elaborate storyboard and presents it for Jill's approval. Jill reacts with this:

Jill, is this really necessary? You look like Brad just asked Bobby for a blow j, when really he was just explaining that the fabric he had picked was not gray, but taupe.

I understand that he's (very) annoying, but he's your hand-picked gay husband and he worked hard on this presentation. Show him some respect.

That being said, there was not nearly enough of you in this show. We need at least a good 15 minutes of Jill per episode. Hear that, Bravo?

2. Alex and Simon meet with an architect about their $200K renovation. Here's the clip.

There seem to be two camps when it comes to Silex--the first believes them to be pretentious and uber-creepy and the second sees them as eccentric and socially clueless, but harmless. I was actually migrating toward the second camp until, during this scene (not in the clip) Alex tells the beleaguered architect she wants built-in bookshelves so she can "go to The Strand and purchase the entire works of Dickens and Shakespeare" and "get a hassock back there for the boys." Swear to God, when I repeat this quote in my mind, I hear her speaking in a fake British accent. She goes on to blah blah blah about some people's bookcases are just for show, but hers are not. Obviously, because Bravo pans out to see her current bookshelves, which are straight-up Wal-Mart 1996 (nothing wrong with that, btw, unless you act like a big snob).

To the architect: what a couple of windbags, huh? Kudos for not blowing your brains out during your meetings with them--hope you charged them extra.

3. Bethenny is photographed for Social Life Magazine.

It's a regular old photoshoot and nothing is particularly memorable except for the fact that the magazine's editor-in-chief, Devorah Rose, happens to be one of the most obnoxious and puerile people to have ever walked the face of the earth. Not even kidding. For those of you who didn't watch this episode, let me to give you an idea: if you took any one of the idiots from Rock of Love Bus, removed her implants and gave her a rich daddy--that's Devorah Rose. Get this: she tells Bravo's cameras, "if you're not in it [the magazine] then I feel sorry for you." What? She's damn lucky she's not on Rock of Love Bus, because that kind of shit-talking gets your extensions pulled out and salsa dumped in your suitcase.

4. Bethenny and the Countess meet for lunch. The Countess tells Bethenny that she's volunteered B's culinary services to Hope Lodge, which is a residence for cancer patients. Bethenny tells the camera that the Countess never asked, she just informed her of her role. And why does this surprise you, Bethenny?

The topic turns to the Countess' book, Class with the Countess. When Bethenny hears the name, you can tell she thinks it's ridiculous but is trying to be tactful. Like the rest of us, Bethenny does not understand what makes the Countess an expert in etiquette. Is it the mere fact that she married the Count? Bethenny wants to know.

This peon, she dares to question me. Guards! Send her to the gallows!"

But the the Countess scoffs. Why would anyone question her qualifications as a manners expert? Bethenny continues to grill her "...but I'm not sure I really understand" and the Countess looks exasperated as she tells the camera, "the de Lesseps have made such contributions!"

Listen, lady. You star in a reality tv show and are the fourth wife of a dusty (see below) French aristocrat who is always "out of the country." Your personality is equal parts rude and fake. Honey, you are no more qualified to teach people about class than Tila Tequila. Actually, I think Tila might be more qualified.

Back to lunch. Bethenny calls it when she tells the camera "being the authority on class is really holding yourself to a high standard. That's a glass house waiting to be shattered." Prescient!

(btw, have you seen the Countess' reaction to ditching the bill for her surfing lesson last week? Read it here. SUCH an asshole.)

5. Kelly Bensimon is on for about two seconds. She takes Ramoner to a "model museum," which I thought had to do with Kelly being, you know, a model. But I'm the dumbass, as the museum was filled with models, as in tiny buildings. WEIRD. And BORING. Ramoner talks to the camera: "She's very tall, Kelly. Her shoulders are wider than my husband's!" TRUE. Kelly was very masculine in this scene. Your wickedly clever Mama calls her Kelly Bensi-MAN and it makes me giggle. I hate to turn on her so early in the game, but her deep voice isn't helping matters.

6. Now for the good stuff! Bethenny and Ramoner are in servitude to the Countess, cooking dinner at Hope Lodge for the cancer patients. Bethenny announces that she is going to be on the cover of Social Life Magazine. The Countess' remarks are all stapled together here thanks to Bravo's editing, but she says something along the lines of "will there be retouching?" and Bethenny's all "what a jerk!" to the camera. Remember this.

Then, as most of you know, Ramoner and the Countess go at it, as seen here. To summarize, Ramoner says the Count looks like an "old man" and the Countess goes apeshit. Ramoner tries to explain herself but just keeps digging herself in deeper, and the only thing that could have made this scene more uncomfortable is if Ramoner started singing "Viva, Viagra!" at the top of her lungs (that song has been in my head all damn day and now I am imparting it to you. My apologies.)

What we don't see in the clip is that prior to this fight, the Countess is (surprise!) being totally condescending to Ramoner as Ramoner is trying to give dating advice to Bethenny. As Bethenny tells the camera, "LuAnn passively-aggressively slapped Ramoner, and Ramoner slapped her back." As much as I dislike Ramoner, I loathe the Countess, and this explanation works for me. Ramoner was entitled to retaliate.

The Countess storms off, then eventually comes back and demands an apology from Ramoner. "THIS is the American Cancer Society!" the Countess huffs, as if that has anything to do with fucking anything. Ramoner readily offers up several apologies. The Countess tells the camera, "it was MY evening and she managed to make it upsetting." Yeah, screw those whiny cancer patients--it's all about LUANN.

Jill shows up and Bethenny runs to her with a "you are NOT going to believe this!" My favorite line of the entire episode (and maybe the season) is Bethenny's comment that "this [fight] made you and Ramoner look like kittens playing in a basket!"

Ramoner's even chuckling about it at this point, but stands by her comments about the Count: "it's very obvious he's an old man." God love that crazy-ass Ramoner.

7. Bethenny invites the Countess out for lunch. She's still hurt about the "will there be retouching?" comment and wants to confront the Countess about it. The Countess denies saying it ("No, no, I said how great!") and then says that the retouching comment was just her way of being "protective." The Countess gives this bitchy, half-assed apology and tells Bethenny she's being "ultra-sensitive." Aw, what a thoughtful and caring friend! So gracious.

Bethenny won't let it drop. "Attackive!" is what the Countess calls it. ( I know, wtf?) At this point, the Countess doesn't give a shit and isn't even giving Bethenny eye contact anymore; she just keeps looking around disinterestedly. "I'm happy for you," she says unconvincingly. Bethenny tells the camera, "I wasn't buying it. Not a big deal, but not unnoticed."

As I said, watch your back, Countess.

8. As part of her cover girl duty, Bethenny is hosting a party for Social Life Magazine. All of the housewives are there partying it up (minus Kelly)(why is she on this show?). The Countess is being interviewed by the insipid Devorah Rose, who says "I heard there was a retouching issue!" or something like that. The Countess plays dumb and escapes. Ha! You can tell from her expression that she is PISSED that B is telling other people this story.

Then, there is the most amazing extended footage of Ramoner dancing by herself and looking like the village idiot. I might try to post it on youtube.

The Countess, running from Devorah, busts in on the gathering of housewives and hurriedly toasts Bethenny with her "chin chin" bs and then abruptly says good-bye. "Alex [the Count] is home with the kids," she says as she runs off, "and he's too busy drooling in his wheelchair to care for them." Just kidding on that last part, but her reason for leaving is met with raised eyebrows from everyone because DUH, Rosie is the only one who ever takes care of those kids.

The End.

Thanks to all of you who emailed me for a chance to win the Countess' book--I had the best time reading your entries. You are some clever bitches! The two lucky winners will be announced tomorrow. Can't wait for those book reviews to roll in.

Until tomorrow, chin chin! (which also happens to mean "penis". How effing sweet is that?!)

UPDATE: The Countess has a manners blog here. Ugh.

It's your lucky day, darlings!

2009-03-09T20:34:00.001-07:00

Thanks to Bravo, I have two copies of Class with the Countess to give away.*

Details:

1. Enter to win by emailing me at scentedglossymagazines@gmail.com with your best story about bad manners and/or why you desperately need this book. (and if you are wondering, you do desperately need this book)

2. Entries are due by this Wednesday at midnight EST.

3. The winners will be notified on Thursday, and the winning entries will be posted here (anonymously, if desired) on Friday.

4. I will expect, but not require, book reviews from the winners. Mmmm hmmm.

There you have it. Good luck!

I leave you with a lesson in manners, taught by the Countess herself. The question is, "what do you do when a bug-eyed flailing nutcase tells you that she thinks your husband is an old man?" Apparently the answer is that you make fun of her bug-eyes and tell her that she's rude and has no manners. Watch and learn, my friends. Watch and learn. (If you're reading this through a reader, click on through)

*Sadly, I have not laid my hands on the book yet, but it will be shipped to the winners directly from Bravo when it is released in April.

Real Housewives hits the trifecta!

2009-03-09T16:57:00.000-07:00

I was worried that the ladies of NYC wouldn't pull through with their share of Cops-worthy scandal, but thanks to Kelly Bensimon, it's happened! Who knew she had it in her?

For those of you keeping score--

Atlanta: Sheree is being sued by her divorce attorneys to the tune of $87,000 (if they can find her--she's avoiding service)

OC: Gretchen's crazy bananas boyfriend called 911 on her, and on the tape is evidence that she's a big fat LIAR.

NYC: Kelly Bensimon, arrested for servin' up a knuckle sandwich to her boyfriend. Nice work, slugger!

Who's next? I heard Vegas is taking bets. (just kidding.) (but they should totally get in on this action, huh?)

Thanks so much to all of you tipsters (including you and you)!

I just can't quit you foxy bitches!*

2009-03-04T11:23:00.000-08:00

We need to discuss business.

1. RHNYC: The Countess' tricked-out laundry room; Bethenny admitting that she is Calista Flockhart-esque; the Countess' teen manners luncheon; Simon's hairy nipples and legs (sorry--I know it's right after lunch); Ramoner's pissing match with Gov. Patterson; Kelly Bensimon in general. Discuss.

2. I am excited to be blogging as part of this rad new network called Twolia. Would you please come visit me and comment so I don't feel like a total idiot? In my first post, I talk about how someone needs to slap The Bachelor with a rose and then make him eat the petals. What a fucktard.

*Holla to Kelly Bensimon for bringing "foxy" back into my life.

I ain't right in the head

2009-03-02T08:34:00.000-08:00

This last season of Real Housewives of OC has left me feeling particularly dirty and depleted. Instead of laughing at the antics of these people and secretly loving them, I find myself foaming at the mouth and plotting their collective demise. I can't even put a Bravo-related sentence together without fantasizing about Vicki losing her business as the result of a tragic laptop fire and being forced to work as Lynne's assistant at Cuff Love.

The Countess isn't helping matters. I feel as though I need to start wearing a straightjacket during her scenes so I don't punch the tv and then try to hurl myself out of a window.

See? I have lost all perspective, and I need to take some time off to mentally recharge. I'll be back next week, ready to rock. Until then, I leave you with something that still makes me smile: the delicate beauty of Pam Anderson.

Can't you picture the owner of that chair saying "WAIT! Let me put down some towels first!" Cracks me up.

The Return of David

2009-02-27T06:35:00.000-08:00

I haven't really been keeping up with VH1's Sober House, but last night I caught the most recent episode. Everyone was talking about this mean guy David, whose bulls-eye cruelty incited Shifty's near-fatal relapse. Who is this David, I wondered, and why is he hanging around the fragile sober people? During a Dr. Drew therapy session, I learned that David is Sober House resident Mary Carey's (porn star) manager and that he is this evil Svengali-type who makes Mary cry. I had not yet laid eyes on David, yet I hated him with a fiery passion.

Finally, David appeared onscreen to verbally abuse Mary and discuss the swinger's convention that he booked for her. Total d-bag. Hmmm....he looks familiar. Do you recognize him?

I'll give you a moment.

Okay okay, I can't keep it in any longer! I'll tell you! THIS is David:

that cheesey shitweasel from Jo and Slade's show, Date My Ex! The one who was the frontrunner for a while because he gave Jo a helicopter ride and a Louis Vuitton scarf! The one who basically said that he was a rising star and offered to manage her music career. Apparently, the music career he had in mind was one in which she played the skin flute! (sorry, so gross, but how could I resist?!)(look it up on urban dictionary if you need to.)

Can you imagine if Jo ended up with him? She'd be starring in Real Hookers of Orange County (and honestly, she'd probably be making more money than she is right now). Oh, I'm just DYING.

"So we're in a no-skank zone?"

2009-02-24T22:15:00.000-08:00

Heh.

Andy Cohen, my darling, tonight you became a man. Right in front of our own eyes! It was like you were Bravo's own Katie Couric, asking the tough questions and letting the women expose themselves for what they are--heartless (Vicki), petty (Tamra), enabling (Jeana), suspicious (Gretchen), and a too tan but harmless (Lynne).

Here are the highlights of the juicy Real Housewives of Orange County reunion:

1. Kara received a boob job for graduation. I KNEW IT! I just fucking dug through my trash to find my notes from the Berkeley episode, in which I wrote "DID KARA GET BOOBS?" Ah, I feel so vindicated!

2. Tamra's going to be selling her removed implants on ebay. Ew, isn't that medical waste or something? Is that legal?

3. Gretchen tearfully talks about final days with Jeff. Check out Vicki and Tamra's expressions:

I had Tamra's same pinched look on my face when I was watching the Countess order pizza under the name of "Mrs. de Lesseps." (could you effing believe that, btw?) Tamra and Vicki's hostile demeanor during this part--FORESHADOWING. Andy tries to pin Gretch down on how much money Jeff left her, but she is evasive: "not millions and millions." wtf does that mean? Can you afford boobs or not, Gretchen?

4. Remember this moment?

Drunk Ryan has just revealed his nugget tattoo to drunk Tamra, who finds comfort in the arms of drunk Vicki. They boozily cry and hug and utter words of never-ending friendship. It is an absurd, embarrassing scene, but when this clip is shown at the reunion, Tamra exclaims, "that's my favorite scene ever!"

Of course it is.

5. Andy asks (via viewer email) if sometimes the women go too far with the revealing outfits and titties galore. Vicki says, "there's a time and a place for it." For work, she claims, she dresses professionally. That's why she wore this:

to a business dinner. BUSTED.

Gretch says "we're sexy but we're still classy." Andy, with a gleam in his eye, confirms, "so we're in a no-skank zone?" Hmm. I'd say that's open for debate, at least in the case of Tamra.

6. We see a montage of Vicki and Tamra being AWFUL toward Lynne behind her back. Vicki brushes it off, "we're not mean!" Andy comes back with an incredulous, "you don't think you're mean?!" Then Tamra basically says that Lynne is a dumbass. Lynne fires back with a "and you're a real rocket scientist" and Vicki's eyes almost pop out of her head, as if Lynne was hitting below the belt. Andy calls that bullshit out and Vicki quiets down. Go Andy, go Andy, go go go Andy!

Wrapping this topic up (for now), Andy says to Lynne, "to clarify, you're not at home sucking on a bong all day." Lynne confirms that she is not. Ha!

7. Andy brings up the Gretchen copycat business. Remember that? Tamra thinks Gretchen "copied" her because Gretchen expressed a desire for a pink motorcycle. Andy says about Gretchen "so she's either All About Eve, or Florence Nightengale." Gretchen's all "what's that?" Anyone who has attended Baylor University (Gretchen's alma mater), please rip up your diplomas.

8. Jeana makes Lynne cry and I simply can't relive it in writing or otherwise. In fact, I must make my own amends to Lynne. I am sorry, Lynne. I think that you are basically a kind person, and the only time I hear you talking shit is when you are defending yourself from an attack by the bullies/axis of evil/Tamra and Vicki.

Feel free to watch the painful moment here.

9. Andy brings up Tamra's etiquette dinner, and Tamra actually admits that she was completely embarrassed and ashamed of her behavior in that episode. Watch her apparently sincere mea culpa here.

10. Now for the JUICE! Tamra said in the last episode that she thinks that Gretchen's relationship with Jeff was a sham and that Gretchen was a paid companion. Andy investigates! In a nutshell, Tamra claims that a man named Jay called her in the middle of the night (during the filming of season 4) claiming to be Gretchen's boyfriend and said that he was ready to out Gretchen for the fraud she is. Gretchen and Tamra talked the next day, and Gretchen said "yeah, it's a long story, he's a stalker."

Tamra gets another phone call from Jay, and this time Simon talks to him for AN HOUR about their relationship and Gretchen's fakey relationship with Jeff.

!!!!!

Wait, wait! It gets even more interesting. Andy asks Gretchen about this, and she says that yes, she used to date him but now they are just really good friends. "Did he go to Bass Lake with you?" Tamra asks. Gretchen says yes, and that he's a really good family friend.

"So what is he, Gretchen? A stalker or a really good friend?" asks Tamra. She has a point.

Then they fight, as seen here. Wasn't Tamra creepy when she was shouting "THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!" Dude, I thought she was going to start speaking in tongues next, but instead she checks her cell phone. (so many of you mentioned this, and I have to admit, it was the best part of that clip.) Tamra adds that Jeana saw Jay's clothes on Gretchen's bedroom floor. Jeana corroborates this, but how would she know whose clothes are on Gretchen's floor? Did he have name tags sewn in? Gretchen says as much. Andy asks direct questions.

Andy: "are you single?"

Gretchen: "yes."

Andy: "this man is not your boyfriend?"

Gretchen: "no"

Tamra: "DO YOU SLEEP WITH HIM?"

Gretchen: "No!"

After this scene, I think lie detectors should be required at all reunion shows.

11. Lauri was on too, but a big yawner. Andy hands out somewhat degrading t-shirts for everyone,

and then they all (except for Gretchen) do tequila shots. Andy even did one, and also cajoled Vicki into doing a WOO HOO.

So that's it! Good riddance to these bitches, at least until season 5. What do you think of the Gretchen business? I hope she's not dating that dude, because he sounds like an asshole. Tell me what you think!

UPDATE: the internet is abuzz with news of Gretchen's alleged relationship. Looks like Jay was sending emails to the media before the reunion aired (see here). Nice guy.

Bravo News

2009-02-24T11:18:00.000-08:00

"My hair is severe, my ill-fitting dress is Jessica McClintock c. 1992, and I have no accessories except for one boring-ass ring.
DEFINITELY. NOT. BANANAS."

1. Rachel Zoe, what the hell is going on? (thanks to tipster Halbizures.)

2. Are you watching Top Chef? Is anyone not on Team Carla? I loved her from the moment that she said she knew her restaurant wars dessert was fucked, so she just sent it out "with looooooove." Tom gave her his jaded eyeroll, but I thought it was pretty awesome. Carla, if you ever want to cook for me, PLEASE CALL ME. I can promise you that I will not invite those OC whores over for an "etiquette party."

3.

"Jeana, stop telling her that lipgloss is fattening!"

Speaking of those OC whores, we have another jaw-dropping double-header with the Real Housewives tonight! The Orange County reunion is up first, followed by the second episode of NYC. To whet your appetite: remember the preview clip of Countess Nastypants rudely snatching the microphone at some sort of fancy event? That episode airs tonight--watch the scene in its entirety here:

So gracious and demure! (Contingent upon "gracious" and "demure" being re-defined as "pretentious" and "asshole-y.")

See you sweet bitches tomorrow.

Photo of Debra "this-shuts-nothing-down" Messing via the magnificent TLo.

Recession hits Atlanta skanks

2009-02-22T20:43:00.001-08:00

OUCH.

I cannot top the comment of the always brilliant Anonymous, who said, "LMAO...there's a tightrope...And your ass fell off of it." !!!

Maybe it's time for Kim to get a jobby job.

"That's the worst, people who think they are better than other people."

2009-02-21T09:38:00.000-08:00

...says the woman who refers to herself in third-person as "the Countess." Oh my God, can you believe how clueless this woman is? In the premiere episode of season two of Real Housewives of New York City, we see LuAnn serving up some of the rudest, most condescending behavior I have ever seen (worse than Vicki and Sheree, and that's really saying something), yet she claims to be an EXPERT on ETIQUETTE. At first it enraged me and I longed to smack that self-satisfied expression off of her face, but now I just think she's the biggest joke ever. Oh, wait--I still long to smack the self-satisfied expression off of her face.

These Housewives arouse such feelings of violence in me. I'm dangerous! It's kind of exciting. Here's your recap for this week's Real Housewives of New York City:

1. At Jill's house in the Hamptons: Bethenny has just read the interview that Jill did with the NY Post's Cindy Adams (see here) and alarmed, calls Jill into the kitchen

Jill's all "OH SHIT" and reads the article, where she is quoted as saying that Simon drinks too much and that she does not speak to Simon or Alex.

Meanwhile, we see a bedraggled Alex, possibly in her slippers, going to buy a copy of the Post because a friend (otherwise known as a Bravo producer) called to tell her she should.

EEK!

Back to Jill, who feels badly, but claims that she only said these things because Simon made a snotty remark about her to the press, saying "[Jill] is from Long Island and it shows." Jill says to Bethenny, "you hit me, I'm gonna hit you back." In other words, "don't fuck with this Long Island bitch, or you will PAY."

Now back to Alex and Simon (who are sitting on their infamous futon, fyi). They have read the article and are talking about how Jill has low self-esteem. Alex says she wants to tell Jill to write "I AM GOOD ENOUGH" on her mirror in lipstick. WTF?

I want to write "TINSLEY MORTIMER DOES NOT HAVE A FUTON" on Alex's mirror.

Cut to Ramoner, who is bug-eyed with delight over the interview. She reads it aloud to daughter Avery.

Are you ready for Ramoner's reaction? "Jill can tend to overreact, and that isn't good. It hurts people's feelings." Can you even believe it?! This, from the fucking crazypants who went PSYCHO BANANAS on Simon after Alex brought him to a girls' night out. Oh, Ramoner. You kill me.

Back to Jill's where Bethenny compares Jill to a "raging pirahna" (love that) who doesn't think about consequences. Jill picks up the phone to call Alex. I am curled up in a ball on my couch, bracing myself for the certain agony that will be this phone call.

Alex answers and gives Jill a cold greeting. The SGM Bravo Scale of Agony™ rating is HIGH. Jill starts in on her apology and Alex says "I'm going to pass the phone to Simon." I almost wet my pants, but Jill says "Why? I called you," and thankfully Alex stays on the phone. Jill apologizes but immediately goes on the offensive about Simon's Long Island remark. Alex declares that Jill bashed Simon because she was jealous about this article in NYMag. Jill is FLABBERGASTED, as am I, because that piece totally made fun of Simon and Alex and exposed them as the desperate wannabes that they are. Jill ends the call with a sarcastic "yeah, you're right, I AM JEALOUS."

Back to the ridiculous Ramoner, who offers more wisdom: "I may not like someone, but I would never have it published." Right, you would choose to have it filmed instead.

2. We find out that Simon and Alex, who have said over and over that they are "anti-Hamptons," are...going to the Hamptons! Jill and Bethenny hear this through the grapevine and note the hypocrisy. Bethenny says, "they don't know anyone; they just want to be near where the fabulous parties are." True that. Jill knows there will be a face-to-face confrontation at some point and is dreading it. Me too!

We see the house that Simon and Alex are renting and it's a little shabby and cluttered. Bravo does a prolonged shot of a dilapidated outdoor window, insinuating that the place is a pretty much a haunted abandoned crackhouse. Simon and Alex tour the house stiffly, exclaiming things like "Oh, this will be just fine! So quaint!" They all go out to the pool for a swim, and their kids are wearing Speedos.

3. LuAnn just got back from Switzerland, and Jill goes over her house to fill her in on the drama. LuAnn may be the biggest poseur on the face of the earth, but honey, she has such a gorgeous home. Hope she gets it in the inevitable divorce. Jill is explaining how Simon's Long Island insult sounded like he thought he was better than her. That's when LuAnn is all "Oh, that's the worst, people who think they are better than you." Oh, really? Please do go on, Countess.

Princess Preachy goes on to instruct Jill: "Don't say what you think to someone who's going to write it down." Excellent advice from LuAnn, whose snobbish opinions are on display every week for the world to see.

4. Jill, husband Bobby, gay husband Brad and Bethenny all walk into a Hampton's party. Jill and especially Brad are being terribly bitchy, criticizing everything: "This party is so pedestrian. Who are thse people?" All of the sudden: Simon and Alex are spotted! My stomach lurches!

Bethenny gives Jill and pep talk, saying "Let's bang it out and get it over with." That's what she said. Ahem.

Jill goes over to Alex, says hi, apologizes again and then she and Bethenny run over to LuAnn. Guess what Countess Fuckface says? FIRST, she derisively tells someone we can't see "I'm sorry, but the Countess doesn't drink beer from a bottle." Then she turns her back to the person dismissively. Such beautiful manners.

SECOND, upon hearing that Jill approached Alex, she snorts "It was nice of you to go say hi. I would not have done the same thing." More derisive laughter. God, I can't wait to read her book and RIP IT TO TINY SHREDS.

Jill steels herself and walks over to talk to Simon, who is very gracious. Jill even gives Simon a big hug, a brave act considering he looks muy sweaty. After they make up, Jill says "let's go do shots," the irony of which is not lost on Simon.

5. LuAss invites the new housewife Kelly Bensimon for a drink. Countess orders Champagne. Kelly is all "really?" and orders a cappuccino. Kelly is a natural beauty, and we learn that she is/was a model. Oh! LuAnn is too! Finally we get some honesty from LuAnn, who admits that it was mostly catalog work. They talk about writing (or riding, I'm not sure). Whatever. LuAnn invites Kelly to a charity event that Jill is hosting. Kelly accepts, and LuAnn, with pseudo-modesty, adds that her kids are putting together the gift bags. REMEMBER THIS.

7. Jill's pool in the Hamptons. Bethenny and Jill are discussing Kelly. Bethenny knows her and describes her as a "real socialite...part of the fabulosity crowd." Discussion turns to Jill's event, which is later that night. "Did I hear Silex is coming?" (Silex = the inseparable Simon and Alex). "Yes," Jill says, and she has learned her lesson because she says something to the effect that she is glad that they have been so willing to patch things up and make an effort to attend.

Then (PAY ATTENION), she mentions that the gift bags still need to be done, and it's stressing her out. She's relieved the Countess' kids will be there early to help her out with that.

8. We're at Jills party!

Jill says that she asked Bethenny and Jill to be on the benefit committee. Bethenny's job was to do the alcohol, and she went above and beyond by supplying copious amounts of liquor for the featured Skinny Girl Margaritas (which was perhaps a wee bit insensitive, considering that the benefit is for Kenyan orphans who could probably use a few calories, but I'll overlook it because I am firmly on Team B).

And what was the Countess' contribution? Oh, that's right--to simply deliver her kids to do gift bags. But guess what? LuAnn never brought the kids over, and when she arrives, she just breezes right the fuck in and offers no apology or explanation to Jill. Jill is pissed because she's short on gift bags because the kids weren't there to help. Jill didn't confront her, but you can bet your sweet ass she's gonna file it away. Long Island girls nevah fuh-get.

9. All of the Housewives are at Jill's party, including Ramoner. And Simon. Kelly talks about how she is nervous because she doesn't know anyone. I'm sure that at some point we will see her bad side, but right now she's very likable. Anyhoo, the Countess leaves her with Ramoner, who just blathers on and on about Avery. I was expecting Kelly to do a big eye-roll to the camera, but no. She said she thought Ramona was very sweet and warm. Either Kelly is extremely kind, or she received some good advice from her pr rep before the show.

The Countess, feeling that it is her job to make sure everyone looks presentable, walks up to this elderly Lady Gaga/Magda from There's Something about Mary,

and says "you look fabulous but I have to tell you, you have gold lipstick on your teeth." Then she walks away. God, I love Bravo's editors. They don't miss a thing. (But really, who is this lady who dresses up like Magda? Anyone know?)

"No, Kelly, you're doing it all wrong. Stick your nose up in the air higher. Aim for that airplane!"

Ramoner does not know that Simon and Alex have reconciled with Jill, so when she sees them from afar, she mentions something about being uncomfortable. In typical Ramoner fashion, she bolts without saying goodbye to Jill.

Who is the first one to take note of it and be highly critical? The Countess, of course. FRAUD ALERT.

That's it! What did you think of the season two premiere?

Tamra and Vicki are despicable

2009-02-18T11:19:00.000-08:00

I cannot get this preview clip from the reunion out of my head. I'm not sure what's worse--Tamra's vicious attack on Gretchen, or Vicki's smug smile as it's all going down.

I'd post the video for you here, but the embed functionality at the new Bravotv.com isn't up and running yet. But really--click on the link. Appalling.