Elegance, thy name is Pam

The battle of the jumpsuits!

Who would have guessed that ass-tastic Kim Kardashian and the arrogant Countess from Real Housewives of NYC have the same taste in clothing?! Here they are, in the same Stella McCartney jumpsuit at two separate events. So, I shall ask the age-old Us Weekly question, who wore it better? Is the answer as obvious as as I think it is?

Speaking of bony chests vs. boner-inducing chests, I think we all need to band together and nominate this J Crew model to be on Intervention.


Seriously, how is she not buckling under the weight of her clothes? Gross. Shame on you, J Crew.

Hooker Chic

What kind of gd outfit is this? And why is it being worn to a McDonald's event? Who knew that McDonald's even had events (with stained, littered asphalt in lieu of red carpets)? You know some of the dudes having lunch at that McDonald's were all "I got your Big Mac right here, baby!"

Oh, how the mighty have fallen, Kim Kardashian.


photo courtesy of Tressed Out

It is done, and let us never speak of it again

I have put money into the pocket of Jessica Simpson, and I will probably wear her shoes with the big dumbass loopy signature whilst watching Denise Richards' reality show (tomorrow on E! at 10pm EST).

Please forgive me.

I need to start receiving emails like this

Ladies:

From here on out I would like to be called L.C. I feel that I bear an uncanny resemblance to Lauren Conrad (my Avon representative agrees) and since my Avon/mark.addiction has reached an unprecedented level, L.C. just "feels right."

I am slowly watching The Hills. I tivo'd a bunch of them as I have no life.

I love Heidi. Is there something wrong with me? While Lauren is nice enough, there is no doubt in my mind that there is a tape out there with her legs behind her head. Please let me know if I need therapy as I aligning myself with Team Heidi.

Thank you for your continued support.

L.C.

You really need to be reading Leslie at Reclaiming Miss Havisham for many reasons, one of which is to possibly beg to be on the email list of Leslie's sister, the author of the above email. It's kind of like a poignant "I'm going to be having a sex change operation soon and I'd like to have your support" type of letter. It feels weighty like that, yet it's about The Hills. Leslie's commentary makes it even better.

Not only is Leslie so so funny, but she has tons of style. You should go check her out if you haven't already. Go on now. Shoo!

A picture is worth a thousand Cheetos . . .

Alternate title #1: Celebrities--they're just like us! They have itchy butts too!

Alternate title #2: Hey Britney, going to the show?

Alternate title #3: Tight sweats + too much cleavage in a glittery tank top + scrunchie + scrunchie on top of head + smoking + picking underwear out of crack = poor Britney

I know you have some too. Bring it!

P.S. I went out tonight and am going to bed without watching Workout. I'll git 'er done sometime soon. While you're waiting (ON EDGE, I'm sure) for my recap, please read this deeply satisfying article that Paige (love her!) found about Jackie Warner suffering some real life consequences for her shit-ass behavior last week.



Thanks to IDLYITW for the Britney photo.

Whatcha gonna do with all that junk?

Serena Williams

Why, shove it in a pair of jeans 2 sizes too small and hold your breath till you take them off with a pair of pliers. Jesus, it hurts just to look at this.

Note to Ashton Kutcher: STOP IT

I was never a fan of Ashton Kutcher's Punk'd. It makes me squirm to see other people squirm, even if those people are celebutards. But I understood the concept--members of young Hollywood playing extravagant jokes on one other, ha ha, I get it.

Have you seen Ashton's new show on E! ? Man, that's awkward to punctuate, but I'm talking about Pop Fiction. It is described as "a prank show targeting paparazzi and gullible media outlets." Right. "Gullible media outlets" is code for you and me and Michael Kors and anyone else who has ever enjoyed an occasional Us Weekly.

The pranks on the show vary, but there is always a scene showing the celebrity help plot the ruse, and talking about how funny it's going to be and how stupid the paparazzi is. I'm not going to defend the paparazzi because they do seem to be a bunch of lowlifes, but they are in the that field because it's profitable. They sell their photos for big bucks because we (I) want to see them.

Remember Paris and the shaman? Yeah I fell for it. Very funny. I can't stop laughing. Too bad that after that, everyone caught on to the lame jokes, such as Audrina from The Hills getting a ridiculous tattoo, Mario Lopez giving Eva Longoria a super-expensive Cartier necklace, and now apparently Kathy Griffin hanging out with Britney's Adnan. I'M OVER IT, Ashton. Stop fucking with my news! While you and your pals are having a great time, you're not fooling anyone and my people and I are having to weed out all this crap. I just want my straight celeb gossip; is that too much to ask?

While I'm at it: to all of the celebrities who participate in this show and whine about being swarmed by photographers, BOO HOO. If you are that upset by all of it, then take your money, move to Nebraska and practice your "craft" in community theater. OR, here's a concept: be discreet. You can't strut down Robertson Blvd and then complain about the attention you attract (Lindsay Lohan, I'm talking to you, young lady!). If you don't like either of these choices, then stop complaining because you clearly relish it on some level, just like Spencer and Heidi.

I'm serious, Ashton. I know your wife is racking up the bills at her plastic surgeon's office, but there are better ways to make money. Actually--do you have a camera? Because you could make some crazy money selling pictures of her bleaching her mustache and clipping her toenails. Think about it.

The opposite of "Yum-o"

Someone needs to fire her stylist asap.

Speaking of the Kardashian-Jenners...

Have you seen the blog Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians? Because Bruce Jenner is the most convincing man who looks like an old lesbian:


It's kind of like a weird optical illusion. Who knew you could make a whole blog out of this? (that's totally a Kardashian girl behind him, right?)

What if Pam Anderson traded places with Phyllis from The Office?

Richele over at Richie Designs sent me a link to a post entitled "If Celebs Moved to Oklahoma" and I laughed so hard that tears were streaming down my face. It combines two of my favorite subjects, celebrities and regular-people/office worker fashion.

Here are some choice selections for your pleasure. I wish I could think of some hilarious captions to go with these, but the pictures just speak for themselves.








They all look strangely at home in their new bodies, don't they? I think Pam is my favorite. The hair, the mottled skin, the fat roll, it's all so perfect. Can't you just see her picking cat hair off of her shirt while complaining about overtime to her co-worker Tami? If you want to see the rest of photos, click here.

Thank you to the person who created these magical visions, and a super-huge thank you to Richele for sending it my way. Brilliant!

EDIT: Anon kindly pointed out in the comments that these photos are originally from Planet Hiltron. God, why haven't I discovered the website before?! My apologies to the Hiltronites; here is your credit!

Fire up your tvs

because The Hills returns tonight!


Awww, doesn't this photo just warm your heart? The wholesome goodness that is Heidi and Spencer fills me with joy. Can't wait to see what these sweet kids have been up to--I haven't seen Heidi on the cover of Us Weekly for two whole weeks!

Willpower like you've never seen

It took EVERYTHING I HAD not to buy this today. I'll be damned if Heidi and Spencer are going to make me break my spending hiatus with their fake stories about cheating as a new season of The Hills is about to begin. Heidi, leave this a-hole, already! God!

The Scroll-down Ass

I saw the top part of this picture on dlisted* today and thought, "oh, more Britney....blah blah blah." But then I viewed the rest of the image and recognized this B-list celeb by her arse.


My first emotion upon realizing that I was correct: extreme joy. What does that say about me? Rather than answer that question, I think I'm going to go eat some Twizzlers and then get into the fetal position.

Have a great afternoon.


*Do you read dlisted? I hope so, because it's splendidly dirty-nasty funny.

So very punchable

As you know, I'm not a violent person, but my fist tingles just looking at this.

Apparently Paige Davis has returned to Trading Spaces, which means that I will continue to avoid the show at all costs.

Expand your vocabulary

The beautiful and vivacious JJ directed me to one of my new favorite blogs, Girl Gone Child. You know a blog's going to be good when the categories alone (Vaginas; Hipsters and Douchebags) make you laugh (what can I say, I have the sense of humor of a thirteen year old boy). Here's an excerpt from their ever so astute glossary:

Cheri

N. A haggard, single mother with tattoos.

Back in the day, Cheri was HOT – smoking hot. But she’s never been very bright. She pursued a career as music video dancer and got caught up with a Jake* who convinced her to keep the baby, then bailed once he realized that babies cry a lot. Cheri always relied on her looks to get by, but she doesn’t look that great anymore, and the tribal arm tattoo is starting to fade. Thank god for Gunnar (Cheri’s 4-year-old son). He’s what keeps her going to her job at the tanning salon five days a week.

Usage:

“I feel sorry for that kid’s mom. She must be a Cheri.”

You'll have to go to the site to find out what a Jake is. Happy reading.

Pictured above, Pam Anderson, the patron saint of Cheris.