My husband walked in the door from work the other night and said, apropos of nothing, "if you could punch anyone in the world without suffering any repercussions, who would it be?" It was the topic of discussion on the radio on his drive home. He had his answer and wanted to know mine.
Before I tell you my answer, I will preface with these two thoughts.
1. This is a total guy question. I have no interest in punching anyone. Not only would it hurt my fist, but I would do absolutely no damage, which would be embarrassing.
2. This may surprise you, but I really don't hate anyone enough to punch him or her. In fact, I like most everyone. There are exceptions of course, but very few.
Because my husband will answer such questions as "if you were gay, which celeb would you want to sleep with?" (George Clooney), I decided to skip the 2 thoughts outlined above and answer him.
Rachael Ray. I'm sure that doesn't surprise anyone who reads this blog with any sort of regularity. I've threatened her with a lawsuit. I've practically put a bounty on her head. I could punch her, if I so desired. She's asking to be punched, don't you think?
My husband was shocked: "But she's done nothing to you!" He went on and on about it, for approximately 2 minutes. He demanded a person I knew in real life. I couldn't think of anyone. I asked him whom he would punch, and he named this guy who played on his soccer team in college 14 years ago. Then in his celeb category, he picked Brett Favre. Don't ask; there are many reasons, most having to do with Favre shit-talking the Broncos many years ago. My man knows how to hold a grudge.
Whom would you punch? No need to preface with your distaste of violence because I've already covered that.
Celebrity or not. Purely hypothetical. Answers please.
40 comments:
What a delicious question. My first answer would be Caitlin Flanagan, author of a book about how women should just get back in the kitchen. But I reserve the right to change my mind.
Mariah Carey
Hahahah. I was just going to write "Mariah Carey" but apparently someone got there before me. Oh well. If we BOTH punch her, it may hurt more.
Ann Coulter.
Being far meaner than you, my name popped into my head immediately. I can't share it, and you wouldn't know her. I'm more like your husband (1, in that I'd pick George Clooney, too) and want to punch someone I actually know. A mom in one of my boys' classes who does things like - invites all the boys in the class to her son's birthday party - except two. And, yes, my son was invited. How do people like that live with themselves?
I so can not say the name, for fear that she might read this and then come punch me in the face, for real. It would be a "friend" of mine that I tolerate because I have to. I get to listen to hours of how expensive her house is (it is valued for the same amount as mine and they had to have someone help them pay for and cosign for it), how nice her car is (it's not that great), how wonderfully behaved her children are (seriously, they are brats...and spoiled!), and how beautiful she is (I am not going to be mean enough to make a snide comment about that). What I wouldn't give to punch her in the face. Just once. Really I think it would make the times I am forced to be around her much more tolerable.
Celebrity wise. Paris Hilton. I have no good reason. I just really don't like her.
Good choice! I would like to punch Elizabeth Hasselbeck(sp??) from the view, and while I'm at it, I'd give a little slap to her neighbor Sherry, who doesn't believe in evolution. To round out my list, I'd also punch Omerosa,from the Apprentice,and Vickie, from Real Housewives.
Ugh. I also want to punch the mother in Mrs. Blanding's son's class who invites all the boys in their class except two.
Tom Cruise (see current post).
Ann Coulter - close second. I could take her out in one punch. I do gym kick-boxing you know? Happy to give you lesson or two.
I always thought kicking someone in the throat was my only option, but now that I am playing this game...Tom Cruise (duh), Hillary Clinton for refusing to pose in Vogue, and Rosie O'Donnell (as soon as a network isn't watching her, she goes bizerk.)
Paris Hilton. I'd like to wipe that ridiculous smirk off her face.
What? Hillary didn't pose in Vogue? I'm quite positive I saw her, years ago, in the magazine.
I would punch Andrea Crum-Ewing, a woman I haven't seen in more than a decade. A stubby, mean-spirited gossip-monger but the worst sin was that she referred to herself as "ACE." She deserved a hearty punch then and I have no doubt that she still deserves a hearty punch today.
Celebs? Gwyneth Paltrow. Such a smug, self-satisfied expression on her bored face. Sure, she has a hot-if-annoying husband and two adorable-if-unfortunately-named children, but I hated her stupid house (except the kitchen... that, I liked!) in the second-last issue of House and Garden.
to i am Trish Marie...
I totally know that same woman, she and I went to jr high and highschool together I hated her then and now she's in my yoga class and corners me after every
class to tell me how fab she is and how brilliant her two rug rats are.
she is not, I'm sure her children will follow suit with her unbelievable narcissism.
she is who I would punch for certain.
Ann Coulter needs to be run over with a car.
ooooh: Gwyneth!!!
someone would have to teach me how to punch then i would go for ol' brit, brit for being a bad mom and a terrible dresser.
Since you already took Rachael Ray, I'm going to say Sandra Lee, that 'semi-homemade' chick on Food Network. You know, the one who's recipes always start out like this: 'First, you're going to need a pound of ground turkey, browned in the skillet. Then, you're gonna wanna pour a packet of lime jello into the plan, along with a bottle of Worchestershire. After that, let it sit in the freezer for, oh, an hour or so before popping it onto a pink platter and topping with shredded cheese. Ooh, it's gonna look soooooo good on my tablescape!'
Yeah, that one.
Very thought provoking! I'd like to punch a few people at my work. Or maybe just slap them upside the head. Yes, that would feel better. A crisp open-handed slap and then I would laugh at how shocked they would inevitably look. Ha! Scary how much joy I just got thinking about that. Off to lunch now!
Your hilarious comments have brought out the inner violent side of me. I have come to realize that punching is too personal, but that a little nudge with a car would be just fine. I agree with all of your choices, and the ACE one, Anon? That has to one of the funniest things I ever read in my life.
Celebrity: Tom Cruise. I'm on board with the GGC girls; what a douche.
Civilian: This chick named Theresa that I went to college with. She was loud and obnoxious and dumb as a post. A nice right cross would have shut her up at least for a few seconds, and helped my blood pressure immensely.
Hah--except for Tommy Cruise, everyone picked women!
The woman who led my 4th grade girl scout troop. She publicly chastised me for not selling enough cookies and refused to give me a troop t-shirt. Adult me would like to take the chance to stand up for nine year old me.
Oh. I can't believe I forgot this person. THOMAS KINKADE. I'd totally punch him.
rachel ray is TOTALLY punchable!
i'd punch avril levigne... so. annoying.
After reading all of your comments, I must say that I can't really think on one person I would like to punch. I, like SGM, think that sometimes a little slap or nudge could hurt much more than the punch itself. Jeez, I am boring!
speaking of Thomas Kincade, how about the Thomas Kincade of psychology: "Doctor" Phil.
Also Hilary Duff.
The chair of the board where I work. Everything is overshadowed by race and she roadblocks everything we do, so when it's late, she can bitch. Just a kick in the shins to get her attention.
Celeb: Brit-Brit. She's just a waste of space now. She needs to disappear for a year or two and get her act together.
Fabian Basabe and (don't punch me) Beyonce. It's the speaking voice that does me in.
sgm-
since you already picked rachel ray, i have to go with a second oprah protegé, that horribly smug dr. phil. god, he makes me so angry...
course i'd have to punch him and then run really fast, 'cause he looks like he could kick my ass easily.
in real life- um, nobody (today, anyways :)
I am sooooooooo with you on Beyonce. American Express, L'Oreal, DirectTV, Samsung, Armani, Tommy Hilfiger perfume: what a spokeswhore she is. Not to mention the "I wish I had white-girl hair" extensions...
I have laughed out loud at each and every one of these. And then I read them again and I laugh again and even start snorting.
Who knew violence could bring me such pleasure? It has inspired me to finally make a decision on my real life punch. Actually, I like PF's idea of a crisp open handed slap (Dynasty-style) to the woman at my old work who loved Ann Taylor so much and drove me completely out of my mind with her ceaseless nasal-voiced complaining.
I would also like to extend a slap to Brandon Davis because he is such a spoiled brat (and also to get another male in there).
Thank you, my darlings.
Celebs: Gwyneth Paltrow, Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise and Renee Zellewegger (sp?).
I laughed out loud reading everyone's responses - too funny.
i have a few. i'd like to injure.
tyra banks
celine dion. actually, i'd like to take her thin, petite face and squeeeeze it till her eyeballs popped out.
while i will not act on these well thought out tortures, i have no problem voicing them.
Well there are so many good choices here, but I have not seen Nancy Grace yet, so I'll pick her.
Ooooohhhh this is fun. Hands down Sandra Lee on the Food Network. Her and her tacky tablescapes!
oooooohhhh I love this post.
I have a friend I would like to give a crisp open handed slap to. Not because I want to hurt her. I just want her to get her life together.
Cele:
George Bush
Bill O'reily
Nancy Grace
But if I can only pick one it would be Bush.
omg, i TOTALLY agree. rachel ray is SO annoying and whiny. and she seems mean to her husband.
love your blog too:)
I would punch my co-worker Jackie...
Just found your blog on faithsalutes and have to say, it's hilarious. Also, I hate the way Rachel Ray refers to Olive Oil as EVOO...seriously?
YOU I would punch YOU in the face
Anon, I'd say you're overdue, yourself.
Oh, good gracious. i just revisited this post after and laughed as hard as I did when I first read it 2 years ago. That's the sign of a GREAT topic. Maybe it's time to revisit: who'd we want to punch/ slap/ hit, the 2010 version? : )
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