Thursday, December 13, 2007

Cease and Desist


It has already been established that Rachael Ray is everywhere, but now she's crossed the line. She's on my On Demand cable menu at unpredictable times (yet all of the time), and I find this highly intrusive. So I've been researching my legal options, and let's just say she'd better lawyer-up for SGM v. Rachael Ray.

I am quite confident of my victory as the Supreme Court has already dealt with this issue definitively:
. . . the broadcast media have established a uniquely pervasive presence in the lives of all Americans. Patently offensive, indecent material [including unusually annoying voices, stupid jargon and ill-fitting shirts] presented over the airwaves confronts the citizen, not only in public, but also in the privacy of the home, where the individual's right to be left alone plainly outweighs the First Amendment rights of an intruder. Rowan v. Post Office Dept., 397 U.S. 728. Because the broadcast audience is constantly tuning in and out, prior warnings cannot completely protect the listener or viewer from unexpected program content. To say that one may avoid further offense by turning off the radio [or tv] when he hears [or sees Rachael Ray] . . . is like saying that the remedy for an assault is to run away after the first blow. One may hang up on an indecent phone call, but that option does not give the caller a constitutional immunity or avoid a harm that has already taken place.


FCC v. Pacifica Foundation, 438 U.S. 736 (1978), the bold and the brackets are mine but really, it's only a matter of time before the Supreme Court adopts my words as its own.

You have struck the first blow, RR and I am not running away, oh no. I would rather bury my face in Britney's dirty laundry than hear your voice or see your flailing arms in my home (and that's really saying something). It's ON, Mrs. Asshat. Have your fancy legal team call me. I'll be waiting.

12 comments:

JJ said...

If you need another attorney for your legal team, SGM, let me know. I will craft up a motion and we will take that skank DOWN.

Laura said...

I am so on your team. I've even given up triscuits and wheat thins because of her.

Anonymous said...

That photo says it all, doesn't it?

Style Saves the World said...

Couldn't agree more. She needs to pipe down.

SGM said...

Class action, JJ?

Pigtown-Design said...

she looks like a braying donkey in your lovely photo.

Helen said...

FYI:
http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp?uuid=57f9d6cc-58da-481d-9c23-8903ae79634e&entry=index&sid=rss_topstories&utm_source=eonline&utm_medium=rssfeeds&utm_campaign=rss_topstories

SGM said...

Helen, is that the Dec. 18 announcement that Food Network is "serving up more Rachael Ray?" (the link didn't work). That is a fucking BALLSY move; thank you for alerting me.
JJ, let's serve this skank (love that word) on Christmas Eve. She wants to play hardball? I'll play hardball. I INVENTED HARDBALL.

Helen said...

Yes indeedy (did i just say "indeedy"?), that's the one. Stupid link!

SGM said...

Very Ned Flanders, Helen, I like it. I think you should be on the legal team too. Very good researcher, you are.

maison21 said...

rr is pure evil. her voice is the ugliest sound i have ever heard- when she accidentally comes on while i'm channel, even for the tiniest fraction of a second, i think i'm going insane. my whole day is ruined. i have to then burn sage and stuff to cleanse her evilness from my enviroment. see? she really makes me crazy- needs meds now crazy.

great post!

arctic oak said...

http://galleryoftheabsurd.typepad.com/14/rachael_ray/index.html