Friday, June 26, 2009

Like Tony Soprano, but with biggah tits

My apologies to the Manzos, but the mafia jokes never get old.

Behold, KCSCougar's latest production. I am snorting like a piggy--it's so funny, maybe his best one yet. (language is delightfully NSFW).

I haven't watched Part 2 of the reunion yet but have talked to a few people about it. WHAT DID DANIELLE DO? She briefly alludes to it in her blog. There's something very, very juicy here and I'm not talking about Andy Cohen's butt. What do you think?

Thursday, June 25, 2009

All the world's a stage!

At least for Danielle, because why else would you say shit like this (after a hearing to prevent the release of your sex tape):

This is about my kids. I'm a big girl. Do what you want to me. But you broke bread with my children. Don't do this to me. No adult should ever do this to a child.

Can you see me rolling my eyes to the heavens? She's a piece of work, that one. (said in my best Jersey accent.)

"You think you can take me? You need a fucking army if you gonna take me! Now who wants a handjob in my car?"

Did you know that Bravo claims it knew nothing about The Book before the show started taping? Hello, JACKPOT. Can you imagine the clapping and squealing going on in Andy Cohen's office when the news broke?

ROUND 2 of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion tonight. A preview of Caroline's "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID" moment:

Sources: NYDailyNews, Newsday, NYPost and Scarface. Thanks to Lauren K and LDW for the tips!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Being a prostitution whore is the only tip of the iceberg

Read a summary of Danielle's ever-growing problems here.

In other shocking news, Danielle admits to making gout with Don Johnson. I'm not sure what that entails, but it sounds illegal.

What did you think of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion, Part 1?

"My back is killing me. Thank God for this pillow!"

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

So much excellent tv, we might get bedsores

Anderson Cooper is going to pee his pants when he sees this:

My favorite part? "I love a crawl!" Oh, how I have missed the NeNe and Dwight show. For those of you who couldn't get into Real Housewives of Altanta, I beg you to give it another chance. Season 2 starts on July 30.

TONIGHT, we have the Jersey reunion. Instead of posting a clip and causing you to be distracted by the 17 chandeliers and the front-and-center baby coffin (thanks, My Favorite and Best, for identifying it), I am posting a clip of the highly entertaining commentary from the table flipping incident.

My heart aches for a friendship with Caroline. Aches! And I'm not just saying that because it would bring me closer to seXXXy Albie; I really mean it.

AND, don't forget the baby douchebags on NYC Prep, which also airs tonight. Dreadful! (which is exactly how I like it.)

(click through if you can't see the videos, sweethearts.)

Monday, June 22, 2009

Andy Cohen is taking over the world

and I LIKE IT.

Read the LA Times article about his new show, one in which we will get to participate. I can't wait!

(Nice set design on the RHNJ reunion show, huh? Please excuse me while I go swallow a handful of Advil.)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

"If I hear any more shit, I'll be knocking on your door. And I won't be alone."

Oh really, Danielle? REALLY? Exactly who will you be bringing with you, Ms. Wrong-Place-Wrong-Time-The-Lies-In-This-Book-Make-Me-Throw-Up-and-Have-Diarrhea? You're not making any sort of THREAT, are you? Because hmmm, I don't know, that seems to fly in the face of your indignant claim that you're an innocent victim who has been slandered by the evil Manzos.

Danielle honey, listen up. I'm about to talk shit and the only person you're going to bring to my door is Albie. NAKED. Got it? {pretend I'm giving Danielle a mean scowl a la Caroline}

Okay then. Here's the dirt on the finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey:

1. Dina visits Teresa for a tour of her new house. As we already know, Teresa is enormously proud of her "granite, marble and onyx" mansion. Each room is cavernous and every surface is shiny and slick--not unlike Teresa's oily bohunk of a husband. Apparently the house has so many rooms that they are designated for certain activities, such as a wine-making room, a wine-tasting room, a cut-off jeans room and a dead body room. (Okay, okay, I made those last two up.) I know Teresa was going for a French chateau look, but I think it is closer to a Saddam Hussein Palace look. Check it out:

Saddam's digs or Teresa's? You can't tell, can you? Spooky.

At the end of the tour, Teresa tells the camera that she wanted to have a housewarming party, but her house isn't finished yet so she's going to invite people out to dinner instead. I know, it totally doesn't make sense--why not wait until your house is finished and then have a housewarming party? Well, because Bravo needs a big FINALE, that's why. This fact is made even more clear when Teresa announces to Dina that she's going to invite Danielle even though she thinks she's a lying whore.

When was the last time you invited someone you loathed to a small gathering of close friends? Fakey, fakey, FAKE, Bravo, and I don't appreciate it.

2. Danielle is showing some of her modeling photos to her kids. The photos themselves were blurred, which kind of pissed me off. Was she nude? Because that would have upped the creep factor, which is already dangerously high. Maybe she was just holding a bag of Doritos? We'll never know.

Danielle tells the camera that the fact that The Book is on every coffee table in New Jersey has forced her to do some 'splaining to her kids. She tells them that she's made mistakes and learned from them, and it's all made her what she is today, which is a sunken-faced narcissistic skank with a really crappy eyebrow waxer. She does air quotes to the camera again, I can't even remember why, but it just adds to her shifty persona.

During this scene, the following facts are revealed: Danielle has two ex-husbands (the first one wrote the book), she was a stripper, she got arrested and she changed her name. She did not mention being a cokehead or a slut. An honest mistake, I'm sure.

3. Jacque's parents visit from Las Vegas in an RV. Mom and Dad have an astonishing amount of common sense that Jacque did not inherit. That's all you need to know.

4. Dina helps 12 year old Lexi clean the stuffed animals out of her room. This is where I would normally wrinkle my brow and say "what the hell?" but I happen to hang on Dina's every word, so it was bearable (no pun intended).

We also see that, unbeknownst to Dina, Lexi has been hoarding huge amounts of candy in a dresser drawer. Drool started spilling out of my mouth at the sight of it. I'll be accepting donations for my candy drawer as of right now.

5. Caroline gets a German Shepard "protection dog" who is a foaming-at-the-mouth, rabid, vicious animal. Nice try, Caroline. Nothing can keep me away from the smoldering heat that is Albie.

6. Jacque gives her spoiled brat kid the new car, just like we knew she would. There's some blah blah blah about "earning driving time" but ... oh, I'm sorry, I must have dozed off.

7. Moving on! Dina, Lexi and Caroline are out to dinner. Dina wants to quit her job and stay home to take care of her family, which I assume means her perpetually absent huz, Grandma Wrinkle (the cat) and Lexi. She says "those womens' libbers would wanna smack me right now." My eyes almost popped out of my head. Holy shit, Dina, "womens' libbers"? Seriously? Are you aware that this is not 1950? Why is her use of this phrase so endearing to me?

8. Finally, what we've all been waiting for--the Guidice "housewarming" dinner. We see the vainglorious Danielle getting dressed, gazing into a wall of mirrors and asking her daughters whether she should wear her hair up or down. (I scoffed at this, by the way, until I remembered that I recently was in a store and asked my four year old her opinion on which sunglasses I should buy. LOSER.) Danielle says she's really looking forward to the party. Translation: she's really looking forward to the shitstorm she's about to create.

At the restaurant, cocktail hour has commenced and everyone is laughing and having a grand time. Obviously, Danielle has not arrived yet.

Teresa debuts her new bubbies and Dina gives her some new lingerie from Victoria's Secret.

Someone, I think it is Teresa, asks Albie and Chris whether Caroline's bubs are real. Albie and Chris are properly GROSSED OUT, which I was glad to see, yet it was still LOL. It's all good times until....

Danielle, dressed like an aging hooker, struts in ready to do battle. Surprise, surprise, she's seated next to Teresa's husband Joe, whom she hates. (Another transparent attempt at finale drama; thanks, Bravo.) Everyone's being nice to Danielle even though it's obviously awkward because they all hate her guts.

To lighten the mood, Teresa starts telling a story about how her husband Joe wanted to have sex with her on the way home from getting her breast implants. Everyone is gasping for air, they are laughing so hard, except for Danielle, who has to piss on everything by saying something along the lines of an unsmiling "well you didn't have surgery down below." This part was clearly all edited up, but Danielle came across as a major biatch.

Then, during a lull in the conversation, Danielle whips out that book and drops it right on the table.

Everyone averts their eyes and is all "ooooh shit," except for Danielle, whose body language can only be described as aggressive. When it becomes clear that no one else is going to acknowledge the book, she melodramatically announces that she brought the book because it's been haunting her and she needs to clarify some facts. She starts talking and Dina realizes that she is the target of this "clarification," aka ATTACK. Dina says, "can I interrupt?" and Danielle turns a steely eye to her and says "No. You. Can't." And now it's ON.

Teresa jumps in and valiantly tries to divert Danielle's attention. She does so by telling Danielle that the story was going to come out eventually, and that, as a friend, she should have told everyone about the book in the first place.

Danielle shouts, "When I am finished you can lay into me all you want sweethot, but right now I have the floah! How dare you interrupt me when ahm trying to say my piece!"

What a lovely guest.

Teresa sees where this is going and asks that the kids be taken out of the room. Danielle freaks out about that too. Her kids want to stay, and she lets them because she loves making bad decisions.

Caroline tries to moderate and says threateningly to the whole table that Danielle has the floah and that "we're all adults and we'll act accordingly!"

Danielle talks about throwing up, diarrhea and that she KNOWS Dina revealed the book at their hair salon, Chateau. Dina denies, and Caroline utters her menacing (and now infamous) "Let me tell you something about my family!" line. Then, out of nowhere, Caroline states that SHE was the one who took the book to Chateau. Danielle says nooooooooo, she heard it was Dina. Dina denies,

Jacque pipes up and calls Dina a liar,

and now those two are screaming at each other.

Teresa says to Danielle, "well, something in this book has to be true," and Danielle UNLEASHES on Teresa. Teresa in turn starts making guttural noises, calls Danielle a "fucking stupid bitch" and upends the table:

Table flippin'

(thank you, Brilliant Asylum, for this priceless gif)

All I am thinking about at this point is Albie, and how I hope that the flying glass does not mar his gorgeous face. (and to the anonymous commenter who asked if I would friend Albie on facebook and get a photo of his penis--I am working on it.)

To summarize: this whole debacle boils down to two issues 1) who took the book to Chateau and 2) whether the book contains any truth about Danielle. I can't really get worked up about it because the whole thing could have been resolved neatly by 1) calling the fucking hair stylist on speakerphone and asking him what happened, and 2) a defamation of character lawsuit brought by Danielle years ago. That book was apparently pretty damning and not something you let slide. Clean up your mess, Danielle, or LIVE WITH IT. Or change your name again. But stop blaming other people for your problems.

Here is my opinion on the Jersey housewives:

I have developed a deep and abiding affection for the Manzos and Teresa. I am slightly ashamed of it, and I can't begin to explain it, but I want to be friends with them (which probably won't happen because of my lecherous feelings toward Albie and also because I likened Teresa's house to that of a murderous dictator).

However, I feel that all of the drama on this show was contrived. Are we really supposed to believe that the book just happened to be discovered during the filming of this show? Why did Teresa have a housewarming party at a restaurant? Why was Danielle invited?

I'm not saying that the situations in OC, New York and Atlanta are 100% real, but the illusion of reality is more present in those series. Bethenny and Kelly--they do not like each other on or off camera. If they were forced to sit next to each other on the Today show, you would feel the tension. Not so with Danielle and Teresa. They giggle and walk out together.

This Housewives series was edited within an inch of its life, and I just couldn't ignore the unnatural and forced situations. I wish I could, my darlings. I wanted to be captivated by New Jersey, but I wasn't.

What do you think? Where do you rank New Jersey among all of the Housewives series?

Speaking of The Lewis,

You're going to need at least one of these:

Can't you just hear his voice? What a little bitch. God, I just want to squeeze him to death. In a very tender and affectionate way, of course.

Designed by the uber-talented Richie, buy it HERE.

UPDATED: There's also a travel mug HERE.

(If you aren't in on the "Is this 140?" joke, please read this recap and fall in love with Jeff all over again.)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I feel dizzy just thinking about it

"Sign here if you think I am ridiculously hot and sexy."

The third season of Flipping Out premieres on August 17.

(YES, I do plan to post a Real Housewives of NJ recap. Stay tuned.)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Let the table flipping begin!

Because Danielle is SO asking for it.

Why did she have to go and ruin the good mood? What a crazy, desperate, attention-seeking freak.

The finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey is tonight. TRUST ME, it will be in your best interest to watch it.

(if you can't see the video, click through. Or get some glasses. I can't say for certain what your problem might be.)

Thursday, June 11, 2009


Hey everyone!

1. Clear your schedules--Bravo will be showing The Real Housewives of OC Lost Footage Special TONIGHT. Here's a clip:

(How OVER IT is Andy Cohen?! Love him.)

2. This should be good--next week on the Today Show, dumbasses Hoda and Kathie Lee will be co-hosting with a different Housewife each day. !!!! Bethenny on Monday, Danielle on Tuesday, NeNe on Wednesday and Tamra on Thursday. I hope none of them hold back if Kathie gets lippy.

3. I hope to be back to my regular posting next week. Or maybe I will just continue to be an irresponsible blogger. I have no idea. Just please know that it has nothing to do with you. SGM loves you; never forget it.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Lady Bensimon is FREE!

Kelly Bensimon was sentenced to 2 days of community service today for giving her boyfriend a black eye. Doesn't the judge know that Kelly doesn't "do" community service? I mean, what if they start using her name for all of their community service events? I hope she appeals.

Anyhow, we can all sleep soundly in our beds tonight knowing that Kelly is safe at home. If she thought the reunion show was boring, she should see jail! Like, totally not fun or awesome at all.

In the words of Kelly, "justice has been served."*

A video clip of the jubilant yet still moronic Kelly outside of court:

*omg, when is someone going to hit her?

Friday, June 5, 2009

Lame, thy name is SGM

UPDATED with a new photo that isn't a close-up of a gross eye.

The short story: There is no Real Housewives of New Jersey recap for you today.

The long story: OH MY GOD. I thought you'd never ask.

For the past month, my eyes have been inexplicably bloodshot, sensitive and hurty, and I can't look at the computer monitor for 15 minutes without getting a nasty throbbing eye-ache. I went to my eye doctor to see what the problem was and she was all "fuck if I know." Then I punched her in the face. Not really. I actually said a meek "okay" and cried on my way to the car.

On the bright side, I think I am earning a reputation as a junkie. I have stopped wearing eye make-up and I wear sunglasses over my glasses when I'm driving, which only enhances my appearance of being strung out. Danielle knows what I'm talking about.

It's super-pretty.

I'm almost sure I have it figured out--I think I am allergic to my mofo contact solution. I've been completely off of it for 3 days now, and I am finally starting to see improvement. JESUS.

So, no recap, which hurts me deep inside because I desperately want to talk about Jaqueline's bizarre and childlike giggling when she's with Danielle.

If you want to read something funny that will make you LOL and possibly ROFL/LMAO, please visit one of my favorite people in the world, the stunning and sexual Elaine of Miss in Your Business. She and her friend Sarah help people with their problems in a very straight-talking way. This post, about when you should end a friendship with a total bitch, would be an excellent place to start.

I love you all. Have a delicious weekend.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Ramoner hawking her jewelry on HSN tonight

Do you even know what channel HSN is? I don't, but you can bet your sweet tits I'm going to find it tonight at 9pm. (I think Eastern time, but I have no idea how the eff HSN works.) DON'T MAKE HER NERVOUS, you guys!

By the by, did anyone watch the preview special for NYC Prep? OMG. I can't even discuss it, because I will just make fun of those kids and they're KIDS. Okay, I'll just say one little bitty mean thing--what is going on with Camille's face? And Jessie? OY.

Ramona Singer

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Real Housewives of NJ outclass Hoda and Kathie Lee

What's with Hoda and the pointing and not being able to address anyone by name? And then Kathie and her dismissive looks and "this isn't reality?" Someone needs to teach these two some manners.

Sleep with one eye open, Hoda and Kathie. Capisce?

Oh, and don't forget to watch tonight.

YIKES. I will definitely be recapping.

(subscribers click thru)