Tuesday, March 31, 2009


"So then I told her that she was being inappropriate and that she should just go fuck herself, hahahahaha!"

The recap is coming, but I want to talk about this NOW and I know you do too--let's hear it!

But will she still be a Countess?

Page Six is reporting that LuAnn de Lesseps is separating from her husband, the Count.

Finally, LuAnn can admit he's an old fogey (and also shitworm--he dumped her via email. COLD.)

Monday, March 30, 2009

I know what you're thinking,

but I swear it wasn't me.

Questions, so many questions, and RAMONER IS 52

1. The Jill and Bethenny Show on Chelsea Lately. Funny, especially "what's up with that gross pasty couple on your show?"

2. Bravo tells me that a series of Bethenny impersonating Jill is in the works. Can Bethenny sustain a entire show pretending to be Jill screaming for Bahhhhhbby, Aaaaally and her pockabooks?

UPDATED: it's going to be an online series at bravotv.com.

3. From newyorksocialdiary.com:

Counts, countesses and no-accounting: Word comes from across the sea, that New York Housewives’ Luann deLesseps has flown off (desperately?) to Europe to see husband Alex in an attempt to save their crumbling marriage. Alex, the Count de Lesseps has, it is said on the streets of Geneva, taken up with a beautiful Ethiopian beauty who is not only quite a bit younger than he but also quite a bit younger than his wife.
The Count needs to be taught some manners, huh? And someone definitely needs to cut off his supply of Viagra. Read the rest of the article here. Thanks, Heather.

4. Thanks to the anon who alerted me to the article here that divulged the ages of the NYC housewives. Ramoner is 52?! No fucking way! ALLEGEDLY, the Countess is 43 and Jill is 45. Thoughts?

Saturday, March 28, 2009

"I think that at a certain age, you have to wear a brawr."

How much do we love Jill? OH. SO. MUCH.

So, Kelly. Yes, you need to wear a brawr, especially in light of the fact that your tits are at eye level for most people. No one* needs to be greeted with your headlights shining in their eyes. I'm sure the Countess would be more than willing to instruct you on the subject and take you brawr shopping. Doesn't that sound fun? I'll set it up--you can thank me later.

In this week's episode of The Real Housewives of NYC, we see the real Kelly Bensimon--not the hotpants-wearing shy Kelly, but the hotpants-wearing goddamn RUDE Kelly. Batter up, bitches!

1. Kelly is grumpily going through her stacks of Fashion Week invites with her assistant. Oh, the stress of being invited to so many glamorous parties! In the words of Justin Timberlake, CRY ME A RIVER.

(Is anyone else compelled to sing Fergie's song when spelling "glamorous"?)

(If you want to see more of Kelly's home without her big head in the way, go HERE.)

2. Designer Zang Toi is throwing a private show for Jill and her friends, and Jill visits his studio to choose an outfit for the big day. I adore Jill, but her accent in this scene about made my head split open. Or maybe I was just resentful that she says she is a natural 32G and can fit into a model-size zero gown.

What the hell? 1) that's just not fair and 2) I don't believe it. I know you're tiny, Jill, but a model size zero gown cannot accommodate 32Gs without some seams bursting. (Good Lord, I didn't even know it was possible to be 32 and a G cup without plastic surgery.)

Lots more happens in this scene, but I'm eager to get the the Kelly business, so I'll just cut to the chase and say that Zang plays the stereotypical Flamboyant Gay Asian and Jill plays the stereotypical Jewish Society Woman. It's funny, and exactly how you would imagine it.

Oh, one more thing. When Jill spots this gorgeous show-stopping necklace at Zang's, she says "I could have walked out naked in it! Well, I wouldn't have--I'm not Alex." ZING.

3. Fashion label Christopher Dean has invited Alex to its fashion show and she and Simon visit the store to pick out a dress. Alex says, "people who don't live in New York City might not know that there are thriving, cutting edge designers who choose to base themselves out of Brooklyn." Yes, and people who say condescending shit like that may not know that people who live outside of New York City are not idiots.

Alex actually looks great in everything she tries on--beautiful clothes. Simon, on the other hand, is his usual icky self. Not only does he say the word "breasts" but he demonstrates what he's talking about.

Honey, Alex may enjoy that, but we don't. I'm beginning to shrink away from you when you appear on the screen.

4. A friend of Jill's is going to be hosting a charity event for juvenile arthritis. Jill's daughter Ally has arthritis, and Ramona's daughter Avery has it too. (What's with the Upper East Side teens and their arthritis? Is Celebrex a new street drug or something?) Bethenny, Ramoner and Jill attend an organizational meeting for the event. Bethenny takes charge by offering to bartend the event and supply everything for Skinny Girl Margs. There's a little scuffle about ticket prices, but not a big deal. Believe me when I say that the next planning meeting is MUCH more interesting.

5. Fashion Week! Kelly invites the Housewives to attend Russell Simmon's show because he's a "rully good friend" of hers (I guess we should get used to this--seems like she's "rully good friends" with every celebrity on the earth). In the lobby, the Countess and Ramoner have an awkward kiss-kiss and it's obvious the Countess is still pissed about their fight two episodes ago. Side note: the Countess brings her 11 year old son to the show. Is that weird? I think it's weird.

Ramoner and Kelly are sitting next to each other in the front row when Alex and Simon walk in. Ramoner greets Alex somewhat warmly and then completely ignores Simon--who, to my horror, wants to have a heart-to-heart right then and there. So picture Ramoner sitting down, avoiding all eye contact, while Simon hovers over her (and probably drips sweat on her) while demanding answers. It's a totally bizarre confrontation that only Ramoner and Simon could have. For example, Simon tells Ramoner that she wants to "blank him all the time," and Ramoner says "I want to WHAT?" and Simon repeats. Ramoner answers (with what I think is sarcasm),

I am all "WHAT? Is this about SEX? Is that what they are saying?" I finally realize that Simon is telling Ramoner that she wants to shut him out, but I don't really think that even Ramoner understood this until later. I think she thinks they're talking about sex. Anyhow. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Ridiculous. Watch the clip here if you need an extra dose of stupidity today.

I actually have to give points to Simon for going back to his seat next to Alex and not saying "God, Ramoner is such a fucking psycho!" He just starts talking pleasantly about how he likes their seats.

6. The Countess and Kelly are shopping at Malo because they are both going to the Malo show. DIVINE clothes. Look at this wrap dress!

... and look at Kelly's "shorts." Jesus H. Christ. Not only does Kelly not wear a brawr, but she wears her gd underwear as SHORTS.

Kelly doesn't want to try on clothes. The Countess says that it's because Kelly's shy--she just needs to be coaxed out of her shell. Cut to Kelly who says it's because she was a MODEL and trying on expensive designer clothes is just a big effing YAWNER. She finally puts on a few things and ends up selecting the dress the Countess is wearing above. Before they leave, the Countess mentions that Jill wants Kelly to come to the next arthritis charity meeting.

7. Kelly and the Countess are at the Malo show, front row. They talk about Simon confronting Ramoner. "There's a backstory there that I don't know," Kelly says. OH, REALLY? Kelly, are you trying to tell us that you joined this reality show without having watched the Ramoner-Simon episode? You didn't watch the reunion, or get the highlights from anyone? I call BULLSHIT.

The Countess obliges and explains how Ramoner went NUTS on Simon when Alex brought him along for a girls' night at Jill's last year.

The Countess brings up Jill's charity meeting again, and Kelly says, "Yeah, I'm not happy about that. I don't even have time to support my own charities." Hmmm, okay. The Countess, for once in her life, actually asks a pertinent question: "what are your charities?"

"Oh," Kelly responds. "I don't do charities." (see her backpedal like cra-zy on her Bravo blog.) I was waiting for her to continue with "I am actually rully busy thinking about horses and all of my rully rully famous friends."

The Countess tells the camera that Kelly's complete lack of interest in charity work is "surprising," which is UES code for "evil."

Kelly goes on to say that charities use her name to promote their events and she doesn't like being used that way. "I'm a very private person," she insists. Hahahahaha! You're very PRIVATE, yet you're on a REALITY SHOW. Oh, good one, Kel. It's nice to see someone besides the Countess being totally hypocritical.

(Do you hate her yet?)

Where was I, Countess? Oh yeah--screw those pediatric AIDS patients. They're just using me!

The Countess, sensing an opportunity to be authoritative, tries to explain to Kelly why charity work is important: "I like to give back to the homeless." Yes, because the homeless have done so much for you? What?

8. It's time for Jill's private Zang Toi fashion show! Did you know that Brad is also a make-up artist? He is! He's doing Jill's make-up and Jill admits that she hasn't eaten anything all day in order to fit into her dress and passed out on the street. "Get me a Diet Coke!" she shrills. Then she talks how she grew up in a family obsessed with weight, and that she's probably (you think?) passed it on to Ally. She and her sister talk about how they would pour water on their food (and still do) in order to stop eating. See? The 32G in a size zero body does not come without a price--pouring water on french fries should be punishable by death.

Bethenny arrives at the party. Does her Jill imitation (here's some new footage that you must watch, btw. OMG, it KILLS me when she screams for Bobby to bring her "pocketbook"). Talks about how Jill lives for this shit (fancy exclusive parties), and it's "her moment." The fashion show goes off without a hitch, Jill plugs Zarin Fabrics, and it's a wrap.

9. Kelly talks about her career as a writer for Page Six Magazine. Does she even write anymore? I can't find anything remotely recent from her. Anyhow, we see her interviewing fashion designer Jill Stuart and barely taking any notes. She talks about how she knows all of these rully rully famous people on like, a deeper level, and like, they trust her to like, not like, write anything bad about them. Whatever, Scoop. [insert me rolling my eyes]

10. Bethenny and Jill meet for lunch at Le Cirque and some major juicy shit-talking about Kelly commences. The famous brawr comment is made, and Bethenny explains why she hates Kelly so much--Kelly hit on Bethenny's then-boyfriend and ignored Bethenny because she was "a nobody." Best part is when B says that she read an article about Kelly being in a shark tank, and B quips, "you have not spent an hour with me."

11. Then the Bethenny - Kelly fashion show tension. EEK!

12. Bravo saves the very best part for last. It's the second meeting for Jill's arthritis charity event. Bethenny is there as well as the Countess and Ally.

Kelly saunters in a half hour late, her chi chis hanging loose, without a word of apology. She tells the camera that she's chronically late, and it's just that she's so busy. More busy than anyone in that room, apparently! In the world!

Everything is repeated for the sake of Kelly. Then Jill introduces Ally to Kelly and says, "Allyson has arthritis." NOW GET THIS--Kelly responds with, "oh, I didn't know that. That's cute." Confused looks are exchanged. OMFG. Is she drunk?

Jill goes onto say that Kelly, as well as the other Housewives, will be honorary co-chairs. Translation: no work, just glory. Kelly's all "wait. I don't lend my name to anything. I just really don't have the time." Bethenny is rolling her eyes, and you can tells she's not going to let this go. When she finally speaks, she says sharply, "evidently [Kelly's] Madonna." Kelly gets defensive, saying, "I just don't have the time and I don't know what this is about. Ally's an awesome adorable awesome little cute awesome girl, but I don't like my name on things because I'M SO FUCKING PRIVATE sitting here with my hooters hanging out." (I'm paraphrasing). Bethenny lays into her, saying, "usually people come from a place of 'yes' when helping with charities, but you're coming from place of 'no.' That's FINE." Ooooooh! She adds that if you come to a meeting, you do so with the intention of helping, and if you don't want to help, then talk to Jill privately afterward. Snarls and more words are exchanged. Uncomfortable, yet VERY EXCITING.

The End.

Ladies and Gentlemen, IT'S ON! I am counting the minutes until next week's episode, when Bethenny and Kelly have it OUT. You'd better believe we will rehash it all right here.

*Frank takes exception to this comment. He thinks that all straight men like, and indeed prefer, to be greeted this way. I stand corrected.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

I'm sorry, but Bethenny needs a WHAT?!

We all knew it was coming, but this clip from next week's showdown between Kelly and Bethenny caused me to run out of the room shrieking. I might have also peed my pants.

Just go watch it. I'll wait.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Because I know you care.

Atlanta hobag Kim Zolciak and her feisty publicist have reconciled. Thank God! The sad news is that her website will shut down for good on March 30.

Note to Kim: for the love of GOD, would you please ease up on the make-up? You are the inspiration behind the phrase "hot tranny mess."

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


This is what's in store for you tonight (those using a reader, click on through):

Take THAT, Kelly! Nevah, evah flirt with Bethenny's man. (Isn't that Beth whats-her-face sitting next to Kelly?)

Also, check this shit out:

WOOOOOO! She's hanging on my every tweet, you guys! (Actually, she follows anyone who follows her. She's so polite, that Bethenny. Except when you hit on her boyfriend. Oh, and actually I don't tweet at all, I'm just a follower. Like, if you told me that drinking tainted Kool Aid with my fellow cult members would bring me closer to God, I would totally do it.)

One more thing: Bethenny is claiming that she can make Oprah thin with virtually no exercise. How? By making Oprah a fragile neurotic wreck who asks for relationship advice from Silex? Just jokes, Bethenny! (Oh God, I hope I haven't pissed her off.)

There's an RHOC/RHNYC marathon on right now for those of you who'd like to catch up. See you soon!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

"The problem today with women...."

Whenever I hear a sentence that begins with those words, my hand automatically clenches into a fist because chances are, the speaker needs a punch in mouth. You'll be happy to know that the Countess is no exception, as she ends her sentence with "...is that guys are fed up with being too equal." That sounds like the man's problem to me, but whatever. Point is, the Countess thinks women should hide their intelligence in order to get a man. Fantastic advice, Countess! For the 18th century. Maybe you should move there--you'd fit right in.

This week's episode of Real Housewives of New York was not jam-packed with the drama to which we've grown accustomed, but it still had some wonderfully entertaining moments. Let's recap!

1. Bethenny is staying at Ramoner's house in the Hamptons for Labor Day weekend. They are walking dogs outside and chatting, and the subject of Ramoner and Luann's epic fight comes up. Apparently, Ramoner was initially contrite and sent the Countess Champagne after the incident (impressive, Ramoner!), but as more time passed she realized that "[Luann] was the jerk. I did nothing wrong!" Ramoner claims that she was only stating a fact--that indeed Luann did marry an "old man."

Ramoner also does this embarrassing/excellent impression of the Countess being all "oh dahling! La di dah!":

Then there is an entirely too long discussion about whether Mario is gorgeous or not. Bethenny tells the camera that she and Ramoner are "on the same page" in regard to Luann. I clench my fist again, but this time in VICTORY.

2. Still in the Hamptons, the Countess' 13 year old daughter, Victoria, is packing for boarding school. The best moment of this scene is when Luann asks where the hamster is. Oh, he died. There was a little funeral complete with backyard burial and Luann had no idea. Never one to take responsibility, she just blames it on Victoria--"she's too busy!" Luann then asks son Noel if he's brushed his teeth, fed the dog, fed the fish. Noel informs her that the fish is dead too. Holy smokes. Watch out, Astin. The chances of you making it to your next lavish doggy birthday party are NOT GOOD.

Here, Astin, yummy rat poison kibbles!

The Countess and Victoria have this forced "I'm so proud of you" conversation in which Luann unconvincingly plays the role of Mother Who Will Actually Notice that Her Daughter is Gone. (Oh my, I am harsh today.) Anyhow, after this scene, my husband (who thinks I get way too worked up about La Comtesse) remarked dryly, "that was touching."

3. Back in the city--Simon and Alex arrive home from their vacation in St. Bart's. Their house is a WRECK, and they are disappointed to see that their renovation is moving so slowly. They sort through their Fashion Week invites with practiced nonchalance. It is strangely painful because you get the impression that they think they are being invited because they are Famous and Fashionable--not because they are on a reality show and might give the designers some free press.

Did anyone else notice the mofo dreamcatchers taped to a closet door? Like, 2 XL dreamcatchers affixed to a door with big strips of painter's tape. What on earth? This delighted me to NO END.

4. Blah blah blah with the Countess about how Victoria is gone and Noel is enjoying being king of taco night (or some shit like that). What I did notice is that when she was talking to Rosanna about her love of Celine Dion (!), I couldn't understand her because she was talking with her mouth full. As Bethenny suggested in the last episode, if you're gonnna declare war on something, you best not be caught doing it yourself. I believe that's what we call a hypocrite. Or the religious right. (ooooh, was that out of nowhere or what?)

5. Brad clears out Jill's Manhattan apartment for redecoration. Bobby gave his approval, but Jill did not. She had no idea her apartment was going to empty when she returned from the Hamptons. "WHERE'S MY STUFF?" she yells several times in her Long Island accent, and Brad scurries around trying to appease her. I curl up into a ball and wait for it to end. I hate it when Mommy's mad at Daddy.

6. All of the Housewives are invited to a party hosted by Russel Simmons and Sting. Simon is all puffed up as he tells the camera that party promoters like to "reach out to recognizable people." At the party, we see him being introduced as the OWNER of the Hotel Chandler, when he is in fact the MANAGER. There was some mumbly mumbly to Alex at this point that I couldn't quite catch, but the fact is, he did nothing to correct the person. wtf, Simon? (Actually, you can read his blog to see his explanation.)

We then see Ramoner talking shit about Silex and then conspicuously ignoring them. Ah, Ramoner, just when we start to warm up to you, you start acting like a damn wackjob again.

Luann learns from Silex that they are writing a parenting book. She gives them loads of fake smiles and says "well, that's fun!" Cut to Luann derisively laughing and telling the camera, "judging from their children's behavior, I don't think they'd be the authority on that." Yeah, that'd be like some rude pretentious a-hole writing a book about manners, huh? JESUS.

7. Luann shows up at Kelly's for a cooking lesson. YAWN, except for the fact that Kelly has a LIFE SIZE sculpture of a horse in the middle of her living room and Luann behaves as if she is Kelly's despised mother-in-law ("Why are you having them wear sweaters? They'll get hot! Look, they're hot!" and "Stop being the mommy, please. They [the children] are fine.")

8. Ramoner and Avery go shoe shopping. If you think you are embarrassed watching Ramoner, just imagine how you'd feel if you were her 13 year old daughter. Oy. Ramona has Avery try on some sky-high heels just for fun, and suddenly, Avery is transformed into va va voom! Seriously, our Avery's all grown up. Ramoner gets teary, drops $3756 on 5 pair of shoes, and they leave.

9. Bethenny and Luann go out for lunch. Bethenny says she wants to get past the retouching incident because she thinks Luann is a "pretty cool woman in general." Ooooh, that opinion is about to change!

First, Luann informs B that Silex are writing a book about parenting and then literally throws her head back and guffaws.

I know that many of us had the same reaction, but we 1) aren't on national tv, 2) we don't claim to be friends with Silex, and 3) we aren't claiming to be EXPERTS in ETIQUETTE. Let's leave it at that, shall we?

Bethenny tells the Countess that she has a date. "What does he look like?" is naturally her first question. Then Luann proceeds to spend the whole lunch patronizing Bethenny and instructing her on the fine art of seduction.

"You must speak slowly, and let him look at your lips."

"Do you think I am retarded?"

To top it off, Luann tells the camera that Bethenny's a little too aggro and needs to tone it down. To Bethenny's face, she says "don't be sharp as a whip." WHAT? I also get the impression that the Countess doesn't think much of Bethenny's boobs, either:

Bethenny is ANNOYED. She tells the camera that she's being treated as if she's never gone out on a date in her life. Bethenny, all of us watching--we get it. We know that you could get 10 men in the time it would take the Countess to get one. The problem is not that you can't find anyone, but that you can't find The One. The Countess is a self-absorbed blowhard, and that's pretty much the only thing anyone learned from this scene. I practially stood up and cheered when you said to the camera, "Luann doesn't have a better life than anyone else. That she wants me to emulate her...drop everything for Prince Charming...it's delusional." AMEN.

10. Bethenny goes on her date, which happens to be with a fellow chef. To sum up how it went, my husband, who was just passing through said, "he's gay, right?" Our girl B definitely wasn't feeling any chemistry.

11. Alex is helping Bethenny with her booth at a health fair. Poor B starts rehashing her man problems AGAIN, but it is made tolerable by the fact that she drops many of her trademark a-bomb one liners. For example, she and Alex wander up to another booth and Bethenny loudly asks Alex if she slept with Simon on the first date. Then she realizes that the vendor is staring straight at her and she suddenly smiles at him and says "Namaste!" while going into this mini-yogi pose. Love her. FYI, Alex and Simon had sex on the second date.

Alex gets all tearful as she relates a wedding night story to the camera, something about how she told Simon to take care of her heart, and he always has. I'm so glad she found him. Really. Simon being off the market and happy means that dozens of women in NYC have been spared sure-to-be uncomfortable blind dates with him.

12. Jill visits Alex and Simon's renovation (and btw, they are still living there). Apparently Jill felt so badly for bashing them to Cindy Adams, she has offered to "take care of them" with any of their fabric needs. YOWZA. That's a lot of money. Jill is horrified when she sees the house. Calls it a total disaster, unsafe, and says to the camera "I would NEVAH live in that squalor." SQUALOR!

Indeed, the house is pretty bad, but Jill acts like they are living in underground sewers. Silex, make no mistake, you will pay for every cent of that "free" fabric!

NEXT WEEK: tension and anger between Bethenny and Kelly. Why? Oh, I can't wait to find out. See you next week!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Hookers and alcohol included

Big news, everyone. All participants in The 2nd Annual SGM High Roller March Madness Challenge are invited on an all-expenses paid trip to Bora Bora!

(I KNOW. I just cashed my AIG bonus check. PAR-TAY!)

Just click on the link. Join. Make your picks. Start packing. Deadline is Thursday at 12 noon (EST).

Oh, and you're gonna want to check this out:

Real Housewives of New Jersey premieres May 12.

Terms and Conditions:

Please be aware that any or all of the statements in this post may be construed as unethical, misleading or false. SGM is simply trying to drum up a little excitement for her March Madness pool since 98% of you ignored the invitation in her last post. Those who continue to disregard her polite requests do so at their own risk.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Won't you join me in the pool?

It's that time of year again, and I am excited to invite you to participate in The 2nd Annual SGM High Roller March Madness Challenge!

No experience or prior knowledge of basketball is necessary--all you need is a desire to participate in a little friendly competition and/or an interest in watching strapping young men get all sweaty and intense. The winner shall receive a highly personalized poem lauding his or her superiority over the rest of us.

Click HERE to enter (you'll need a yahoo account)(or you can email me and I will send you a personal invite that will shortcut all of that). Easy as pie.

Friday, March 13, 2009

The disco music is a nice touch

Two more people will soon know the secret to living with elegance and flair!

Congratulations to S.J. and Jessica! Each will win her own copy of Class with the Countess to treasure and pass down through the generations.

Here is S.J.'s desperate cry for help; I highlighted my favorite part for you skimmers:

To put it simply, I live in smalltown, KS. A lovely town with lovely people lacking a Countess to guide us gracefully through the muddy waters of social interaction. This is an opportunity to introduce a sense of grace and poise that only royalty can impart upon us.

As an educator in this lovely town, I have the ability to effect great change as a result of her tutelage. For example, I am curious to know how the Countess would handle spit cups left in public spaces, or how to politely inform my students that shoes should be worn at all times for our own personal health and cleanliness.

And on a personal note, I would like to learn how I might climb the social ladder of our small town as I am already married and not to a Duke. Much like Bethany, I need to understand the Countess' definition of class - am I inherently born with class, or is it something I can achieve by attaching myself to those with 'title' in our town? And how do I determine the properly 'titled' individuals?

I have already learned so much about how to publicly correct and shame my friends and coworkers who do not behave with the level of class I deem acceptable and to disguise my jabs at their lack of class, style, or beauty in statements of concern for their well-being. She is a fountain of knowledge from which I would like to continue to drink. Please consider allowing me to be one of your reviewers of what will surely be a great guide of ettiquette to challenge the stuffy, boring, how-to books of Emily Post and Martha
I especially admired S.J.'s courage in opening up and admitting that she is not married to a Duke. So brave

Jessica tells a story of a boorish woman who could really use the Countess' book (actually I think she'd benefit more from being whacked over the head with it):

My mother had a friend who was the ultimate pseudo-snob who had no clue what a fool she was. Looking back, I think my mother only tolerated her because they had a connection through our church and, well, God says you're supposed to love your "frenemies." Growing up, we were expected to play with her kids when she would come and park herself at our dining room table while her awful spawn ran rampant through the house and yard destroying things. We raised lots of animals and once, one of her sons threw a batch of baby chicks into the water trough. After rescuing them, my sister and I ran in and breathlessly told the grownups what had happened. The evil mini-sized serial (almost) killer was summoned and his mother asked if he had done this and he, of course, denied it. She looked at us and then to my mom and said, in a knowing tone, "Well, MY son wouldn't lie to me." with the implication being that we were certainly capable of it. As we got older, we realized she was outrageous and, mercifully, she finally moved across the country with her whole brood.

This woman reappeared back at my parents' home after my mother died. Even though my mother had a long illness, she never visited and didn't make it to the funeral. In a bizarre move, she invited herself to stay with my father -- you're thinking she was going to make a move but I really don't think that was the motivation -- I believe that despite being "a physician's wife," she was basically cheap. She used the house as a jumping off point to visit other, more fabulous friends and not have to pay for a hotel.

On the last day, my sister and I were at the house mainly to see her in action and thinking my father may strangle her if he got the chance (and we didn't want to miss that). She got a vase from under my father's sink and proceeded to cut flowers from his carefully tended garden and made a bouquet and then announced she would now like a ride to the cemetery so she could place this on my mother's grave. She then asked my sister and me multiple times if we thought she'd done a good job on the arrangement. She acted as if this were a charitable, unselfish act while we fumed and plotted her demise. Mercifully, she left soon after and we haven't seen her since.
Hopefully she's hidden away, taking private lessons with the Countess, Jessica.

Please, join me in a jealous "chin chin" to these deserving winners whose lives are about to be transformed by the Countess' words of wisdom.

Thanks to all who entered! If you didn't win this time, do not despair. More books will be given away in April.

Have a lovely weekend.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

"Marrying someone with a title doesn't give you class."


That's right, Mrs. Bitchface! Bethenny is talking about YOU. You got a problem with that? DO YOU? Because, "as we say in French," you are due for "le beatdown" and I think, after this week's episode, I could convince Bethenny and Ramoner (along with half of the RHNYC viewing audience) to give it to you. Watch your back, skank.


Let us proceed with the recap for this week's very entertaining Real Housewives of NYC.

1. Jill is totally sick of the decor in her apartment and needs to move or completely redecorate. She's at the end of her rope. Life is so cruel! Her gay husband/employee/interior designer, Brad creates an elaborate storyboard and presents it for Jill's approval. Jill reacts with this:

Jill, is this really necessary? You look like Brad just asked Bobby for a blow j, when really he was just explaining that the fabric he had picked was not gray, but taupe.

I understand that he's (very) annoying, but he's your hand-picked gay husband and he worked hard on this presentation. Show him some respect.

That being said, there was not nearly enough of you in this show. We need at least a good 15 minutes of Jill per episode. Hear that, Bravo?

2. Alex and Simon meet with an architect about their $200K renovation. Here's the clip.

There seem to be two camps when it comes to Silex--the first believes them to be pretentious and uber-creepy and the second sees them as eccentric and socially clueless, but harmless. I was actually migrating toward the second camp until, during this scene (not in the clip) Alex tells the beleaguered architect she wants built-in bookshelves so she can "go to The Strand and purchase the entire works of Dickens and Shakespeare" and "get a hassock back there for the boys." Swear to God, when I repeat this quote in my mind, I hear her speaking in a fake British accent. She goes on to blah blah blah about some people's bookcases are just for show, but hers are not. Obviously, because Bravo pans out to see her current bookshelves, which are straight-up Wal-Mart 1996 (nothing wrong with that, btw, unless you act like a big snob).

To the architect: what a couple of windbags, huh? Kudos for not blowing your brains out during your meetings with them--hope you charged them extra.

3. Bethenny is photographed for Social Life Magazine.

It's a regular old photoshoot and nothing is particularly memorable except for the fact that the magazine's editor-in-chief, Devorah Rose, happens to be one of the most obnoxious and puerile people to have ever walked the face of the earth. Not even kidding. For those of you who didn't watch this episode, let me to give you an idea: if you took any one of the idiots from Rock of Love Bus, removed her implants and gave her a rich daddy--that's Devorah Rose. Get this: she tells Bravo's cameras, "if you're not in it [the magazine] then I feel sorry for you." What? She's damn lucky she's not on Rock of Love Bus, because that kind of shit-talking gets your extensions pulled out and salsa dumped in your suitcase.

4. Bethenny and the Countess meet for lunch. The Countess tells Bethenny that she's volunteered B's culinary services to Hope Lodge, which is a residence for cancer patients. Bethenny tells the camera that the Countess never asked, she just informed her of her role. And why does this surprise you, Bethenny?

The topic turns to the Countess' book, Class with the Countess. When Bethenny hears the name, you can tell she thinks it's ridiculous but is trying to be tactful. Like the rest of us, Bethenny does not understand what makes the Countess an expert in etiquette. Is it the mere fact that she married the Count? Bethenny wants to know.

This peon, she dares to question me. Guards! Send her to the gallows!"

But the the Countess scoffs. Why would anyone question her qualifications as a manners expert? Bethenny continues to grill her "...but I'm not sure I really understand" and the Countess looks exasperated as she tells the camera, "the de Lesseps have made such contributions!"

Listen, lady. You star in a reality tv show and are the fourth wife of a dusty (see below) French aristocrat who is always "out of the country." Your personality is equal parts rude and fake. Honey, you are no more qualified to teach people about class than Tila Tequila. Actually, I think Tila might be more qualified.

Back to lunch. Bethenny calls it when she tells the camera "being the authority on class is really holding yourself to a high standard. That's a glass house waiting to be shattered." Prescient!

(btw, have you seen the Countess' reaction to ditching the bill for her surfing lesson last week? Read it here. SUCH an asshole.)

5. Kelly Bensimon is on for about two seconds. She takes Ramoner to a "model museum," which I thought had to do with Kelly being, you know, a model. But I'm the dumbass, as the museum was filled with models, as in tiny buildings. WEIRD. And BORING. Ramoner talks to the camera: "She's very tall, Kelly. Her shoulders are wider than my husband's!" TRUE. Kelly was very masculine in this scene. Your wickedly clever Mama calls her Kelly Bensi-MAN and it makes me giggle. I hate to turn on her so early in the game, but her deep voice isn't helping matters.

6. Now for the good stuff! Bethenny and Ramoner are in servitude to the Countess, cooking dinner at Hope Lodge for the cancer patients. Bethenny announces that she is going to be on the cover of Social Life Magazine. The Countess' remarks are all stapled together here thanks to Bravo's editing, but she says something along the lines of "will there be retouching?" and Bethenny's all "what a jerk!" to the camera. Remember this.

Then, as most of you know, Ramoner and the Countess go at it, as seen here. To summarize, Ramoner says the Count looks like an "old man" and the Countess goes apeshit. Ramoner tries to explain herself but just keeps digging herself in deeper, and the only thing that could have made this scene more uncomfortable is if Ramoner started singing "Viva, Viagra!" at the top of her lungs (that song has been in my head all damn day and now I am imparting it to you. My apologies.)

What we don't see in the clip is that prior to this fight, the Countess is (surprise!) being totally condescending to Ramoner as Ramoner is trying to give dating advice to Bethenny. As Bethenny tells the camera, "LuAnn passively-aggressively slapped Ramoner, and Ramoner slapped her back." As much as I dislike Ramoner, I loathe the Countess, and this explanation works for me. Ramoner was entitled to retaliate.

The Countess storms off, then eventually comes back and demands an apology from Ramoner. "THIS is the American Cancer Society!" the Countess huffs, as if that has anything to do with fucking anything. Ramoner readily offers up several apologies. The Countess tells the camera, "it was MY evening and she managed to make it upsetting." Yeah, screw those whiny cancer patients--it's all about LUANN.

Jill shows up and Bethenny runs to her with a "you are NOT going to believe this!" My favorite line of the entire episode (and maybe the season) is Bethenny's comment that "this [fight] made you and Ramoner look like kittens playing in a basket!"

Ramoner's even chuckling about it at this point, but stands by her comments about the Count: "it's very obvious he's an old man." God love that crazy-ass Ramoner.

7. Bethenny invites the Countess out for lunch. She's still hurt about the "will there be retouching?" comment and wants to confront the Countess about it. The Countess denies saying it ("No, no, I said how great!") and then says that the retouching comment was just her way of being "protective." The Countess gives this bitchy, half-assed apology and tells Bethenny she's being "ultra-sensitive." Aw, what a thoughtful and caring friend! So gracious.

Bethenny won't let it drop. "Attackive!" is what the Countess calls it. ( I know, wtf?) At this point, the Countess doesn't give a shit and isn't even giving Bethenny eye contact anymore; she just keeps looking around disinterestedly. "I'm happy for you," she says unconvincingly. Bethenny tells the camera, "I wasn't buying it. Not a big deal, but not unnoticed."

As I said, watch your back, Countess.

8. As part of her cover girl duty, Bethenny is hosting a party for Social Life Magazine. All of the housewives are there partying it up (minus Kelly)(why is she on this show?). The Countess is being interviewed by the insipid Devorah Rose, who says "I heard there was a retouching issue!" or something like that. The Countess plays dumb and escapes. Ha! You can tell from her expression that she is PISSED that B is telling other people this story.

Then, there is the most amazing extended footage of Ramoner dancing by herself and looking like the village idiot. I might try to post it on youtube.

The Countess, running from Devorah, busts in on the gathering of housewives and hurriedly toasts Bethenny with her "chin chin" bs and then abruptly says good-bye. "Alex [the Count] is home with the kids," she says as she runs off, "and he's too busy drooling in his wheelchair to care for them." Just kidding on that last part, but her reason for leaving is met with raised eyebrows from everyone because DUH, Rosie is the only one who ever takes care of those kids.

The End.

Thanks to all of you who emailed me for a chance to win the Countess' book--I had the best time reading your entries. You are some clever bitches! The two lucky winners will be announced tomorrow. Can't wait for those book reviews to roll in.

Until tomorrow, chin chin! (which also happens to mean "penis". How effing sweet is that?!)

UPDATE: The Countess has a manners blog here. Ugh.

Monday, March 9, 2009

It's your lucky day, darlings!

Thanks to Bravo, I have two copies of Class with the Countess to give away.*


1. Enter to win by emailing me at scentedglossymagazines@gmail.com with your best story about bad manners and/or why you desperately need this book. (and if you are wondering, you do desperately need this book)

2. Entries are due by this Wednesday at midnight EST.

3. The winners will be notified on Thursday, and the winning entries will be posted here (anonymously, if desired) on Friday.

4. I will expect, but not require, book reviews from the winners. Mmmm hmmm.

There you have it. Good luck!

I leave you with a lesson in manners, taught by the Countess herself. The question is, "what do you do when a bug-eyed flailing nutcase tells you that she thinks your husband is an old man?" Apparently the answer is that you make fun of her bug-eyes and tell her that she's rude and has no manners. Watch and learn, my friends. Watch and learn. (If you're reading this through a reader, click on through)

*Sadly, I have not laid my hands on the book yet, but it will be shipped to the winners directly from Bravo when it is released in April.

Real Housewives hits the trifecta!

I was worried that the ladies of NYC wouldn't pull through with their share of Cops-worthy scandal, but thanks to Kelly Bensimon, it's happened! Who knew she had it in her?

For those of you keeping score--

Atlanta: Sheree is being sued by her divorce attorneys to the tune of $87,000 (if they can find her--she's avoiding service)

OC: Gretchen's crazy bananas boyfriend called 911 on her, and on the tape is evidence that she's a big fat LIAR.

NYC: Kelly Bensimon, arrested for servin' up a knuckle sandwich to her boyfriend. Nice work, slugger!

Who's next? I heard Vegas is taking bets. (just kidding.) (but they should totally get in on this action, huh?)

Thanks so much to all of you tipsters (including you and you)!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I just can't quit you foxy bitches!*

We need to discuss business.

1. RHNYC: The Countess' tricked-out laundry room; Bethenny admitting that she is Calista Flockhart-esque; the Countess' teen manners luncheon; Simon's hairy nipples and legs (sorry--I know it's right after lunch); Ramoner's pissing match with Gov. Patterson; Kelly Bensimon in general. Discuss.

2. I am excited to be blogging as part of this rad new network called Twolia. Would you please come visit me and comment so I don't feel like a total idiot? In my first post, I talk about how someone needs to slap The Bachelor with a rose and then make him eat the petals. What a fucktard.

*Holla to Kelly Bensimon for bringing "foxy" back into my life.

Monday, March 2, 2009

I ain't right in the head

This last season of Real Housewives of OC has left me feeling particularly dirty and depleted. Instead of laughing at the antics of these people and secretly loving them, I find myself foaming at the mouth and plotting their collective demise. I can't even put a Bravo-related sentence together without fantasizing about Vicki losing her business as the result of a tragic laptop fire and being forced to work as Lynne's assistant at Cuff Love.

The Countess isn't helping matters. I feel as though I need to start wearing a straightjacket during her scenes so I don't punch the tv and then try to hurl myself out of a window.

See? I have lost all perspective, and I need to take some time off to mentally recharge. I'll be back next week, ready to rock. Until then, I leave you with something that still makes me smile: the delicate beauty of Pam Anderson.

Can't you picture the owner of that chair saying "WAIT! Let me put down some towels first!" Cracks me up.