Thursday, May 29, 2008


I just joined Facebook and asked one of my free pass fivers, Brandon Rush,* to add me as a friend. He added me--very quickly, I'll have you know--so I think it's pretty clear that he wants me. BAD. True, I am one of 3, 381, but my foot is in the door. It's only a matter of time before I am partaking in some delicious hot chocolate.

The Free Pass Five is a dream, my darlings. A dream that can and will come true if you have the desire and the internet access, and I am living proof of that. So revise your list and visualize success. It really works!

Best of luck to you.

*He was not on my original list but is filling in until John Mayer pulls his shit together.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

"Just because you love Speedos doesn't make you gay"

Yes, but it does mean that you're either a Euro, a douche, or a competitive swimmer. Or gay.

The quote above is from Andy Cohen, the openly gay host of the Real Housewives of New York reunion show, who also told Simon, "I have great gaydar and it's not pinging for you." So it's settled. Simon is not homosexual, he's just a (pseudo) Euro-douche. Don't feel badly if you misjudged him; (pseudo) Euro-douche is often mistaken for gay.

Here are the highlights from the "Lost Footage" episode.

1. It is revealed that Jill went to college! I would have bet money that she did not, simply because she appears unnerved by people with lots of education. I need more info, Jill! Did you graduate? What was your major? If I'm going to psychoanalyze you on the blog (and co-star with you--yay!), I'm going to need some details.

2. Ramoner acts like an asshole again. The first time (in this episode anyway) is at Jill's party in the Hamptons where 'Moner makes a stink about seating. It's a BUFFET, you idiot! You get your food and you sit down at an available seat. For some reason, Ramoner could simply not wrap her brain around this concept.

Ramoner is the first one to leave the party, and Jill's all "don't let the door hit you on the ass." Ramoner explains her hasty departure with her trademark double-talk. First it was "I was tired" and then there was the buggy-eyed shrug "I wasn't stimulated enough." Might I suggest electroshock therapy? I've heard it's very stimulating.

3. Luann and the Count play tennis, and the Count engages in behavior that Luann describes as "competitive," which is really code for "bordering on abusive." Simmer down, Count!

4. Jill's birthday! There really are no words to describe the intricacies of the Jill-Bobby-Brad gift giving process, but I will try to break it down for you.
a) Jill orders a gift for herself at a store.

b) She meets with Brad (gay husband) and tells him to lead Bobby (real husband) to the gift which Jill has previously ordered.

c) Brad keeps insisting "don't you want some lingerie? I'm great at picking out lingerie!" Finally Jill says "why are you obsessed with tits now? Are you sure you're gay?" It is a funny moment.

d) Bobby takes Jill to a very fancypants restaurant and they both know there's going to be major gift giving but they're both pretending to be oblivious.

e) Jill ORDERS FOOD FOR GINGER at a fancypants restaurant.

f) Bobby gives her lingerie.

g) Jill tells the camera about how she doesn't want fucking lingerie!

h) Bobby gives her the $53,960 watch she had picked out for herself. He was onto her the whole time!

i) Then he gives her $6500 earrings.

j) Then they go home, and wild crazy sex is insinuated, which was an icky mental picture for me. (But I still love you Jill!)
5) Simon is shown shopping for the earrings he gave Alex on her birthday at sea. He acts totally gay.

6) Ramoner is beyond annoying again. She dresses like a complete dominatrix to chaperone Avery's school dance and comes home to tell Mario about it. The whole conversation is SO FAKE and filled with kissing and weird relationship platitudes.

7) Bethennnnnnny goes out to lunch with ex-fiance Larry, and his glowing happiness with his new family totally bums her out.

8) Luann and her family go to visit the Statue of Liberty and are completely insufferable for numerous reasons. But I have to tell you, despite her snobbery, Luann is so gorgeous. I always give a little gasp when I see her.

9) Jill attends a protest of Iran's president (no way in hell I'm going to try to spell his name) speaking at Columbia. She hears the Israeli national anthem and gets choked up. It was quite touching. Team Jill, baby. Forever!

10) Alex is also insufferable as she takes Francois to art class. She calls him "incredibly well-behaved," which kind of clashes with the images of him bouncing off of the walls and screaming at his teachers. The teachers say that Francois has a "lot of energy" but there is a totally obvious undertone of "he is a spoiled brat and it's everything we can do to not smack him and his mom."

11) At another Hampton's party, Jill uses the term "bff" and Luann says "what does bff mean?" What are you, 80?

12) More reunion highlights with additional footage of Ramoner going nuts on Simon and Alex at the infamous Jill dinner party. Even Bravo prefaces the scenes with a "Ramona vs. Alex and Siomn, Continued Verbal Assault" screen shot thingy because she was so completely out of control. Ramoner, you make me want to pull my hair out!

This is waaaaaay long and I apologize, but I have missed this show. Flipping Out starts up again on June 17 and let's all cross our fingers that a Real Housewives of any variety will soon follow. Please, Bravo. PLEASE.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Mean Girls Show, starring Ramoner

If you are lucky enough to be at home, a Real Housewives of NYC marathon is going on right now, and it will culminate in the RHNYC Lost Footage episode later tonight. Stick around for Work Out, if you are so inclined.*

I leave you with a question from Ramoner's blog and my response:
At times I feel like I am on "The Mean Girls Show". Its [sic] like they all decided to target and pick on me. How bad can I really be if I raised such a special daughter and have a wonderful husband of sixteen years?
Ramoner, I know that you probably intended the question "how bad can I really be?" to be rhetorical, but how about those 1041 people who answered? Wow. Most everyone was in agreement that you needed a mild tranquilizer and extra-intensive therapy sessions. Hmmm. I think they may have a point.

Also, using the word "special" to describe a person is so generic and meaningless, not to mention LAME. I have nothing to back that up, it's just how it is. Avery deserves better. Speaking of Avery and her "specialness," the verdict isn't in just yet. While she seems to be okay, Avery has plenty of time to turn insane and I'm sure that exploiting her on this show will speed up the process. As for why Mario is sticking around--well, 1) it's because of Avery and 2) in the words of the sage Mamacita, "he's fucking everything that moves." Hope that answers your question.

Can't wait to see you serve up some more crazy tonight!

* The RHNYC Lost Footage episode will be covered on this blog, and Work Out will not (unless something really crazy goes down) because it is an inferior show. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Jackie Warner.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

It is done, and let us never speak of it again

I have put money into the pocket of Jessica Simpson, and I will probably wear her shoes with the big dumbass loopy signature whilst watching Denise Richards' reality show (tomorrow on E! at 10pm EST).

Please forgive me.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Oh no . . .


Lucky's Cute Outfit of the Day for May 22

This is Julie, the ACCESSORIES DIRECTOR at Lucky.

[this is where I close my eyes, pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh heavily]

Someone shut this place down already. Jesus!

*Head on over to Mamacita's to see some serious magical genius concerning Lucky's Cute Outfit of the Day. You will not be disappointed. *

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

"Won't you back that ass up?"

That quote is from me, talking about Greg Plitt's hiney. HOLY SMOKES, y'all. He was in his underwear! Wet underwear! There are no photos of this on Bravo's website. Take a moment to visualize. Not too shabby.

This is what happened on Work Out this week.

1. All of the trainers except Jackie get wasted at boot camp. Renessa and Greg Plitt get particularly smashed and as Erica put it, Renessa gets "t-boned" by Greg. I like that term! Crude, yet descriptive.

Greg does not show up at the 5am workout because he is "hung over" which I think is code for "recovering from t-boning Renessa." Renessa does show up, wearing Greg's sweatshirt, natch. This kind of behavior is not unheard of at Sky Sport, as Jesse points out. If Jackie's own actions are any indicator, lots of drinking and hooking up with co-workers/employees is company policy, but apparently there is a boot camp exception and Jackie bitches out Renessa for still being drunk. Note to Jackie: I don't know much about employment law, but I really think that the boot camp exception should be spelled out in the employee handbook in order to avoid confusion. I could write it up if you like. Let me know.

2. Just so you know, I felt intense hatred toward Evil Lisa for gawking at Greg and Renessa getting it on in the hot tub. Also, when everyone was at the bar drinking, Lisa pulled down her tank top and showed everyone her cleavage, joyfully exclaiming "they're real!" What's up with Lisa and tits? SHUT UP!

3. Greg Plitt doesn't see Jackie again until he meets up with her at Sky Sport. I'm not sure how this happened because they all rode up to boot camp on a bus together. How did he get back to LA without seeing her? Maybe he rode Renessa home? (oooooh, bad joke) Anyhow. He walks into Sky Sport, totally happy, not a care in the world. Jackie's all ready to throw down with him and scare his tight firm glutes but she quickly realizes that he doesn't give a damn about possibly being fired. So what does she do? She surrenders to the charm of Greg Plitt and is putty in his Adonis hands. He is off the hook with nary a harsh word and we witness yet another example of Jackie's completely arbitrary treatment of her employees.

4. Next is a super cringe-y part. We find out that not only did Peeler get fired, but his wife (totally forgot he was married!) dumped his ass soon after. He shows up at the Doug Blasdell Foundation auction thingy and proceeds to get hammered in grand style. Here he is getting jiggy with Gregg Not Plitt:

I don't actually remember this part, maybe because I was staring into my lap because I knew something embarrassing was going to happen. Cue the live auction! Peeler doesn't think an item has been bid high enough so he jumps up onto the stage and adds a week of free training to sweeten the pot.

Instead of people clamoring to bid more, there is silence. No further bidding. Cut to Jackie with a smug smile on her face and everyone wants to slap her. Oops. Maybe that's just me. But I doubt it.

End result: Peeler is humiliated in front of a roomful of people. How much more can one man take? We're about to see.

Peeler, even more drunk, pulls Jackie aside and tells her HE LOVES HER and that he wants to be her business partner (I think this was the gist, it was a little garbled). This is agony to watch. I would rather look at Alex McCord's nude photos* than view this again. Jackie tells him he's buzzed, not thinking straight and that she will never ever ever ever ever work with him again blah blah blah. Peeler completely blows up and runs off into the night.

The End.


For those of you who have cable, Jackie's new Work Out video is free On Demand. Rebecca, Renessa, Jesse and Agostina are Jackie's supporting cast if anyone's interested. There are two huge posters of the Jack(ass) on the wall and the video is kind of sexed up (surprise).

See you next week when Jackie's mom hides in her room playing with a cat rather than come out to meet Jackie's new girlfriend and her family.

*I was going to link to them but they are GONE. Looks like someone hired an attorney and is trying to clean up her image.

Living the Dream

Exciting news everyone! I'm packing up my earthly belongings and heading to Manhattan to pursue my dream as a Real Housewife of NYC. The show's producers are looking for a new cast member who is a "high rolling social butterfly juggling the ups and downs of family life along with a high-powered career and a social calendar to die for." Can you believe it?! THAT'S TOTALLY ME (minus the high-powered career and social calendar to die for part). I have already called the Real Housewives Hotline (so impressive--the woman on the recording has a classy English accent) and am just waiting for a call back. I am brimming with confidence; I am so perfect for this show!

To the Real Housewives of NYC producers: You won't regret it! I have all sorts of stunts ready to go--for example, I will demand to be called "Princess" (LuAnn will lose her shit) and I will try to seduce Simon (if that doesn't work, I will have my husband try to seduce Simon). I also promise to get into some sort of physical altercation with that skank Ramoner. I have much more in store but am keeping it under my hat until I am officially selected.

To Jill and Bethenny: Mama's coming, girls! Can't wait to meet you in person and have you show me the ropes in Manhattan society. Bethenny, my kids and I are going to stay at your place during try-outs if that's okay. I can't wait for you to cook for us!

To rest of you--thank you so much for your support. I will fly you all out to my new house in the Hamptons for the Season 2 finale. Cristal and "Team SGM" shirts for everyone!

Be sure to catch the RHNYC "Lost Footage" episode on May 27 (thanks to Brilliant Asylum for the tip-off).

Ciao, my dears!

Thanks to for the "NYC or bust" photo.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Proving a Point

Mamacita tagged me a while back and I thought I'd use this opportunity to show you all that I do not limit my reading to blogs and Us Weekly. So here it is.

1. Pick up the nearest book ( of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the next three sentences.

5. Tag five people. & post a comment here once you post it to your blog, so I can come see.

My book is The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett:

"Then on holy days, when people come from all over the country to hear the services in the cathedral, we gather farthings galore."

"It seems to me we might man the bridge on holy days only and give you a fire out of the proceeds," said Philip.

Paul looked anxious.

What do you think about that? The book is 973 pages long and I'm on page 796! That's right, bitches! And I'm not tagging anyone else because I'm a badass mothereffer.

Now, lest this post get too scholarly, I ask you to view this video, but for the love of God, DO NOT watch it in front of your kids, your boss, or the Pope. I swear, my stomach hurt from laughing so hard.

Thanks to Sundry Morning for turning me on to this sweet little gem.

Friday, May 16, 2008

I need to start receiving emails like this


From here on out I would like to be called L.C. I feel that I bear an uncanny resemblance to Lauren Conrad (my Avon representative agrees) and since my Avon/mark.addiction has reached an unprecedented level, L.C. just "feels right."

I am slowly watching The Hills. I tivo'd a bunch of them as I have no life.

I love Heidi. Is there something wrong with me? While Lauren is nice enough, there is no doubt in my mind that there is a tape out there with her legs behind her head. Please let me know if I need therapy as I aligning myself with Team Heidi.

Thank you for your continued support.


You really need to be reading Leslie at Reclaiming Miss Havisham for many reasons, one of which is to possibly beg to be on the email list of Leslie's sister, the author of the above email. It's kind of like a poignant "I'm going to be having a sex change operation soon and I'd like to have your support" type of letter. It feels weighty like that, yet it's about The Hills. Leslie's commentary makes it even better.

Not only is Leslie so so funny, but she has tons of style. You should go check her out if you haven't already. Go on now. Shoo!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

"If I see one more Amazing Jackie Warner Product, I'm going to jump off a cliff into the ocean"

Jesse, I couldn't agree with you more. Jackie was back in action this week, stroking herself for developing her 387th product, this time an energy bar that "tastes like a candy bar!" What's next? I know!

because SHE IS TOTALLY GRATING ON MY NERVES and also, I would rather rub my face all over one of these than have to listen to any more of her bullshit. This preference for self-mutilation over watching Jackie might interfere with my recaps, but you know. Let's take it one day at a time.

Anyhoo! I will comment on last night's episode of Work Out for you, but first, a tribute to my gays Jesse and JD:

Jesse, you are so gorgeous and full of snappy comebacks. If God had made me a gay man, I would move to LA and book you as my trainer and try to seduce you into some hot sweaty man-on-man action. We could not be together for the long haul because you threw water in Rebecca's face last season, and I could not be with someone who is all dramatic like that. But a one night stand? Mmmm hmmmm.

JD, if I were gay, I would want you to be my life partner. We would be the gay Brangelina and adopt many underprivileged babies together. Not only are you a hard-bodied masseuse, but you are soft-spoken and kind and not all up in everyone's bidness. I would even accept your soul patch/flavor saver.

Just so you know, when you were giving one of the Sky Labbers a massage, I did not appreciate Bravo playing up the orgasm sounds she was making or the zooming in on your hint of butt crack. Bravo turned your beautiful therapeutic massage into something dirty and illicit, and it upset me.


1. Brain Peeler went over to Greg Plitt's (typing that last name simultaneously revolts and thrills me) to eat massive amounts of food and to vent. He told Greg that all he wanted in the first place was for Jackie to apologize. Agreed, Peeler. Then he used the phrase "woman-up" as in "Jackie wouldn't woman-up and apologize." Que? I'm not sure if I should take offense or not. I think I will just chalk it up as Peeler-ism and let it slide. In fact, Peeler could do anything short of rape and murder and I would still take his side over Jackie's.

Greg, who(m?) I haven't been crazy about up until now, was totally on Peeler's side, talking about how Jackie belittles other people to build herself up but that it's only a "temporary satisfaction at best." Renessa, who was also present at this lunch, gets all gooey-eyed at Plitt's non-neanderthal opinion and I have to admit, so did I. I hope you don't get fired by Evil Jackie, Plitty Plitt, although I'm sure you'd be better off. Then Plitt serves his 2 guests this:

. . . as if they were the fuckin' Duggar family (there's a big plate of hotdogs barely peeking out). Just kidding, Greg! I actually appreciate great hospitality like that; I just had to get in the Duggar joke.

2. Jackie tells Peeler's Sky Lab client that Peeler is the most awful person in the world and that's why he was fired (in a nutshell). I had to run to the bathroom and barf during this part. When Peeler's client says that he called her and offered to continue to train her IN THE PARK, my heart almost melted with love.

Jackie convinces the client to remain on the dark side, but the good part is that she assigns JD to be her new trainer.

3. Jackie organizes a retreat/boot camp for Sky Labbers and their trainers. The first morning they are there, Jackie tortures the Sky Labbers (and us) with what seems to be HOURS of crazy frenetic exercise. There is crying and belittling and one lady even throws up. Yes! Clever weight loss plan, Jackie!

3. Trainer Renessa confides to good friend Trainer Rebecca that she has a crush on Plitt. Rebecca tells Plitt this as soon as she gets the chance and then pretty much flirts with him and shoves her chi-chis in his face. God, she sucks!

Later, the trainers all participate in a gratuitous sexy chicken game which I'm sure made the fat Sky Labbers feel AWESOME.

4. Jackie says that in addition to exercise and proper eating, Sky Labbers need therapy to get healthy. Exactly! Maybe some individual counseling with a therapist off-camera? NO! Jackie decides that all of these overweight people should sit in a room with their gorgeous rock-hard trainers (not to mention a national television audience!) to speak about and resolve their deepest emotional issues. Oh, there is some sort of retarded life coach there who speaks about 2 sentences before Jackie takes charge. FUCKING JACKIE! Of course there is a big fight among Sky Labbers, at which point Jackie pontificates and the life coach remains mute. Big surprise.

5. There is a commercial for Flipping Out and I can't wait! Jeff Lewis is such a douche yet I love his good looks and his interiors. I'll just have to watch the show on mute.

That's it! Next week's episode shows the trainers getting inappropriately schnockered at the Sky Lab retreat. Jackie reacts with "blah blah blah," etc, etc.

This post was tres bitter, and I apologize for that but there's no other way to cover this show. I hope you understand.

If anyone is interested, Alex McCord recently updated her Bravo blog with a very innocuous post that mentions nothing about licking the balls of high-society types.

Our darling Jill Zarin also updated recently. Ahhh, Team Jill! Now we're ending on a happy note.

Let me know what you think of Work Out, sexy chicken, Jeff Lewis, Alex McCord or Jessica Simpson's break-up with Tony Romo. Or whatever.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

A picture is worth a thousand Cheetos . . .

Alternate title #1: Celebrities--they're just like us! They have itchy butts too!

Alternate title #2: Hey Britney, going to the show?

Alternate title #3: Tight sweats + too much cleavage in a glittery tank top + scrunchie + scrunchie on top of head + smoking + picking underwear out of crack = poor Britney

I know you have some too. Bring it!

P.S. I went out tonight and am going to bed without watching Workout. I'll git 'er done sometime soon. While you're waiting (ON EDGE, I'm sure) for my recap, please read this deeply satisfying article that Paige (love her!) found about Jackie Warner suffering some real life consequences for her shit-ass behavior last week.

Thanks to IDLYITW
for the Britney photo.

I'm pretty sure Google has a drinking problem

Seriously, I'm concerned. I'm almost afraid to bring it up because Google is such a corporate giant and is currently the only bright spot in my retirement portfolio, but something has to be done.

Google has been falling apart lately when it comes to performing simple tasks. Tasks that are really hard to screw up. For example, I asked Google (who owns Blogger) to let me know when someone comments on this blog. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. I am notified about 33% of the time, and Anons are totally and completely ignored. I think it's kind of an important clue that Google is ignoring all types of "Anonymous," don't you? Anyhow, I am missing out on some really funny comments, like when Susannah at Petunia Face suggested that we should all have a bonus lesbian pick on our Free Pass Fives* (I think I'd go for Ashley Judd).

Don't even get me started on Google Alerts. I'm STILL waiting for it to notice that Mamacita tagged me on April 24. And it is so obvious that Google was drunk of its ass yesterday at work because in the middle of the day it sent me two Google Alerts from August and September 2007. Here's the proof:

WTF? A little late, maybe? And what about the fact that I didn't even start writing this blog until October 2007. How could these blogs be linking to my blog when IT DIDN'T EVEN EXIST, Google?!

You want more evidence, Google? Okay, then. You must have had quite a hangover after this little incoherent gem:


If this weren't enough--do you remember when you showed my children porn? Oh God. You are so lucky you're not in jail right now.

Google, listen. I know that you are the top search engine on the web. I know that you get several hundred million different requests every day. I can't imagine the stress you must be under, but take a vacation! Hire more people! Don't turn to the bottle. Your drinking is not only affecting your job performance and your reputation, but our relationship, which is very important to me.

Let's have an intervention to convince Google to go to shape up.** Is anyone else having issues with Google? Who would be your bonus lesbian pick? Speak up.

*UPDATE: Frank just called to inform me that I have a free pass to hook up with any woman at any time. He told me "not to limit" myself, and that most husbands feel the same way. So. There you have it.

**Yes, maybe I am watching too much Intervention, but there's clearly a problem, right? If it's not alcohol, then it's meth, herion or problems with code. I just want Google to do its job and get better.

Thanks to zenzenok for the photo

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I wash my hands of you, Jennifer Aniston

I was totally going to set you up with my dentist, but you insist on CLINGING to John Mayer.

Honestly, after all I've done to help you, it feels like a slap in the face. Don't come crying to me when his next hit "Stop Texting Me Because I'm Busy Hooking Up with a Sexy Lady in Denver" comes out. I'm serious. You're on your own.

Thanks to Jennifer (the nice one) for tipping me off to this photo which has since been featured on Yahoo's front page for the world to see.

Friday, May 9, 2008

A Mother's Day Riddle

Question: What do you get when you cross SGM with her own mother and Jill Zarin from Real Housewives of New York City?


To be clear, my mom and I don't go for Precious Moments figurines or any other type of figurine. We would both rather die a torturous death than have any of that displayed in our houses, but you know Jill LOVES that shit.

If you think this video was funny, try this one, which is quite possibly even more hilarious because I inadvertently re-enacted it yesterday morning (but with a cordless phone).

Thanks to Jezebel for turning me on to this brilliance!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Beware, Jennifer Aniston. BEWARE.

Dear Jen,

I know you don't know me, but of course I know you. While I was not a fan of Friends, I did watch Picture Perfect and The Break Up. The movies weren't the best things ever, but damn if you don't have the cutest figure! Seriously! I think you're adorable. And the Brad thing--I was totally on your side. I knew Angelina was bad news years ago when I saw her all over Billy Bob, licking him and stuff on the red carpet. She's gorgeous but she's clearly trash. That was a smart decision to get that Billy Bob tattoo, huh?

Back to the subject--I hear you're dating John Mayer. As someone who has a history with him, I have some information that I think you need to know.

(1) You are aware of this, right?

and this?

and don't forget about this:

Just wanted to make sure. It's gonna take a strong woman to be with John. He's a randy musician with a large penis who has already stepped out on you and who will be going on tour this summer to places such as Denver, known for its hot sexy MWMACSS (mothers with muffintops and c-section scars). Can you handle this? If you're answer is anything other than "no," I think you might want to double-check with your therapist.

(2) Did you know that John has insinuated that he thinks of Angelina "to help [him] finish" when he's getting a bj? He has a whole bit about Brad and Ange and blow jobs in his stand-up routine. It's funny, right? To think that when you and John were getting freaky last weekend, he was fantasizing about the woman who stole your husband. God, I bet you can't stop laughing.

(3) I recently saw a photo of you laying out in the sun.

I know you didn't have sunscreen on because you wouldn't be pulling your bikini top down like that. You still lay out in the sun AND you smoke (some sources have claimed you're trying to quit--how's that going now that Angie is preggers again?). Honey, yoga and plastic surgery can help but they can't perform miracles! Your neck is going to be a mess in about 6 years. Do you want John writing songs about you to the tune of "I could get lost in the creases of her neck/her breath smells like an ashtray/she's a plastic wreck"? Get out now, before it's too late.

You may be wondering what my motives are in telling you all of this. Some might say that I have my own agenda. It's true, I used to have a tiny crush on John, but not any more. According to Us Weekly, he was schtupping you in Miami on my birthday and that kind of put an end to things. Some people might even call you the man-stealing Angelina in this scenario, but not me. No siree! There is no bitterness in this heart. I'm not even jealous that your stomach doesn't pooge out when you sit in your bikini. I'm just one woman looking out for another. I truly don't want to see you get hurt again. Call me if you need me; I'm here to help.

Best Regards,

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

"Peace out, bitch!"

Who hasn't wanted to say this to a hated boss upon quitting/getting fired? Well, Brian Peeler uttered those words last night, and I stood up and applauded him (in my mind because I was eating ice cream). Jackie Warner is SUCH an asshole! Oh my God!

I don't even know where to start.

Quick background for those of you who have never seen Workout on Bravo: Jackie Warner is the owner of Sky Sport, an allegedly elite gym in Beverly Hills. I say allegedly because it really functions as more of a pick-up bar/gossip headquarters for Jackie. She has many trainers working for her, but all you need to know is

(1) all the female trainers--both straight and gay--have kissed Jackie

(2) Trainer Rebecca

dated openly gay Jackie last season. The fact that Rebecca had previously identified herself as straight made this a controversial relationship because everyone thought Rebecca was doing it to get more camera time. They are not dating this season, and Jackie, now newly in love with a young jealous girlfriend, said that her thing with Rebecca was not even a relationship but a "friend with benefits" type of deal. Rebecca's totally going to cry when she hears that! She still wants to be with Jackie, or at least still wants to be one of the main characters on Workout. Rebecca wears LOTS of lipgloss and is very tiresome with her shiny lips and constant, unrelenting need to be the center of attention. She also loves to gossip more than an 8th grade popular girl.

(2) Trainer Brain Peeler

(everyone calls him "Peeler")

and Jackie have never gotten along. She claims Brian is emotional and sensitive. Brian feels like Jackie is out to get him. My opinion is this: Brian has beautiful brown eyes and a Southern accent. He's emotional because Jackie treats him like shit. I like him, especially after what happened tonight.

(4) Jackie has an-effed up background. Dad committed suicide, difficult relationship with her mom, never really had a healthy relationship despite lots of therapy (couples and otherwise), which is of course televised. Ironically, she LOVES to dispense her own brand of unlicensed therapy to all of her employees and clients and it's SO fucking annoying.

(5) A big part of the show is Skylab, which is a Sky Sport program in which participants are handpicked by Jackie to pay a bajillion dollars to be in an intensive boot camp. Lots of drama and tears going on with the participants and their trainers.

(6) Lisa (the one who's all over Jackie and then going all vampire on a trainer).

I don't even know who the hell she is (receptionist or office manager?) but it makes my blood boil just to write about her. She is the devil. In fact, she is so unbelievably awful that I have come to suspect that she's an actress that Bravo hired to stir things up by being over-the-top nasty, and not just in this episode.

Let's get down to business and skip to the last 2 minutes of last night's show because that's the super-best part. Here is the play by play in the event you missed it:

Peeler is training a client. Jackie and Lisa are in Jackie's office watching him through a window. Jackie is complaining about Peeler and how he won't wear his "uniform," which is Jackie's clothing line (just a tiny example of Jackie's bigger-than-Dallas EGO). So professional for a boss to bitch about another employee to her assistant on national tv (can someone clear up what Lisa's title is? Bravo is mum)!

Lisa decides that she's going to go give Peeler a uniform shirt. She walks out to the training area, tosses him the shirt and, in front of his client, tells him to change and to "come see me when you're done." Oooooh, this pissed me off! Who does she think she is?! Amazingly, Brian laughs it off and pretends he didn't just get reprimanded in front of a client.

Lisa walks back into Jackie's office and starts talking shit about Brian's client and how she has "manufactured" breasts. Okay! Rule #1 about the workplace--don't talk shit about your clients when they are there! The client's boyfriend overhears Lisa and walks in to confront her and tells her that the client is a breast cancer survivor! OH SHIT.

Sadly, we don't see any of this go down. Instead we get to see self-serving Jackie retelling the incident with no criticism of Devil Lisa (just "it was an accident"), and saying that there were apologies and everyone left and forgot about it. Riiight. I'm sure the boyfriend felt a-okay when he left!

Next thing we see is Peeler coming to work the next morning and attending a meeting where Jackie is blah-blah-blahing about the trainers competing to be in her new sexy Hollywood fitness video. So freaking arrogant! Peeler tells the camera that he heard about the manufactured breasts incident from the boyfriend and that he's PISSED. Once again, he admirably keeps his shit together until he has a chance to speak with Jackie in private. All he says to her is "I heard about what you said last night and I want to talk to you about my client being disrespected." Oh, so maybe Jackie said something too? Ooooooooh! Instead of saying, "no, it was Lisa and I'm so sorry. I've dealt with that skank Lisa and what can I do to make it better for you?" she says belligerantly "What? I'm not discussing that with you." We can tell that this inflames Brian but he manages to keep calm for few more exchanges with Jackie in which she continues to refuse to talk about it. Then, there is a screaming match in which Peeler is fired, and my darlings, I am happy to report that he goes down in a blaze of glory (to quote Bon Jovi). Lots of screaming bleeped out curse words directed at Jackie, all deeply appreciated by me.

Then to the camera, Jackie says "I had already handled it" and THEN the kicker: "I was the wrong person to bring it up to." I'm sorry, wha? You're the boss! The person in charge! Of resolving employee grievances! Of smoothing things over when you or your employee personally insult a client in a particularly horrific way!

Then cut back to Jackie's office where she's yelling "Lisa, I want Brian out of here now!" Lisa again. Her little minion. But don't worry, Jacks, Brian is already gone. Rebecca and another female trainer come skipping out holding hands (I'm serious) to where the other trainers are gathered to exclaim gleefully, "Jackie just fired Peeler!" and then tell a completely inaccurate account of what happened.

Jackie, you are fucking idiot of the highest order. Peeler, if you're out there, come in for a hug, baby! I hope you take great satisfaction in Jackie's pathetic blog entry on this event and the nasty fallout. She's losing fans, Peeler! Over you!

Did you watch? Discuss!

(sorry this post is up so late; my computer is being a total a-hole)

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Your tv watching assignment

1. Workout on Bravo.

Have you seen this show? Filled with unprofessional work relationships, petty arguments, impromptu and unwelcome counseling sessions, gorgeous bodies and Hot Lesbian Action (HLA)--it's begging to be recapped. It's on tonight, same time and place as Real Housewives of NYC. If tonight is your first time watching, you're going to be joining mid-season, so just go with the flow (trust me, it's not that complicated) and I'll do my best to give you some background tomorrow.

An SGM warning: the gorgeous bodies and HLA are a potent cocktail for the heterosexual male. If you want some of the sex tonight, then watch this with the hetero man of your choice and YOU WILL GET SOME. I can pretty much guarantee that you'll be slapping his hands off of your person within 2 minutes of Jackie (pictured above) making out with her girlfriend or any of her female employees.

If you don't want any sexual contact, then you must watch this by yourself or with women who are not your mother or mother-in-law.

2. Intervention on A&E

I will not be covering this show because this documentary-style show about addiction is not that funny, but it is absolutely riveting and I'd like to hear what everyone thinks of it. Last week they showed the most beautiful woman (well, not so much anymore) who was an alcoholic in the process of hitting rock bottom. She looked to be from a well-off Southern family and had been a successful interior designer until her second marriage fell apart and her drinking became out of control. She was such a wreck that she lost custody of her kids Britney-style (supervised visits only at the discretion of her ex). Even though I come from a family with more than its fair share of alcoholics, it is fascinating to see addiction up close like this--to see how the addict thinks and how the people close to the addict react.

I'm also captivated by the role of the camera crew on this show. On the show about the interior designer, the camera person was in the car while the woman was chugging vodka and driving. When she was falling down drunk at a bar, the producer called for a family member to pick her up and then they filmed her getting out of the car, weaving around and then falling over and passing out on her gravel driveway (ouch). Do they just say "cut!" and then walk off? I think they do (and for the record, that's okay in my book), but the whole ethical/moral aspect of all of this makes my brain hurt--in a good and beneficial way.

Those of you who read this blog on a regular basis know how shallow I am, especially when it comes to tv. I'm not a person who likes sad shows or shows which require any amount of introspection or thought. But this is different! Check here to see when it's on (personally I like to watch it after The Hills because it kind of balances me out) and you will be mortified and you might even cry, but then you'll feel better at the end when the intervention happens and the person (usually) gets help.

That's it! Now get cracking with the tv watching and report back tomorrow for a full recap of Workout.