Wednesday, May 14, 2008

"If I see one more Amazing Jackie Warner Product, I'm going to jump off a cliff into the ocean"

Jesse, I couldn't agree with you more. Jackie was back in action this week, stroking herself for developing her 387th product, this time an energy bar that "tastes like a candy bar!" What's next? I know!

because SHE IS TOTALLY GRATING ON MY NERVES and also, I would rather rub my face all over one of these than have to listen to any more of her bullshit. This preference for self-mutilation over watching Jackie might interfere with my recaps, but you know. Let's take it one day at a time.

Anyhoo! I will comment on last night's episode of Work Out for you, but first, a tribute to my gays Jesse and JD:

Jesse, you are so gorgeous and full of snappy comebacks. If God had made me a gay man, I would move to LA and book you as my trainer and try to seduce you into some hot sweaty man-on-man action. We could not be together for the long haul because you threw water in Rebecca's face last season, and I could not be with someone who is all dramatic like that. But a one night stand? Mmmm hmmmm.

JD, if I were gay, I would want you to be my life partner. We would be the gay Brangelina and adopt many underprivileged babies together. Not only are you a hard-bodied masseuse, but you are soft-spoken and kind and not all up in everyone's bidness. I would even accept your soul patch/flavor saver.

Just so you know, when you were giving one of the Sky Labbers a massage, I did not appreciate Bravo playing up the orgasm sounds she was making or the zooming in on your hint of butt crack. Bravo turned your beautiful therapeutic massage into something dirty and illicit, and it upset me.


1. Brain Peeler went over to Greg Plitt's (typing that last name simultaneously revolts and thrills me) to eat massive amounts of food and to vent. He told Greg that all he wanted in the first place was for Jackie to apologize. Agreed, Peeler. Then he used the phrase "woman-up" as in "Jackie wouldn't woman-up and apologize." Que? I'm not sure if I should take offense or not. I think I will just chalk it up as Peeler-ism and let it slide. In fact, Peeler could do anything short of rape and murder and I would still take his side over Jackie's.

Greg, who(m?) I haven't been crazy about up until now, was totally on Peeler's side, talking about how Jackie belittles other people to build herself up but that it's only a "temporary satisfaction at best." Renessa, who was also present at this lunch, gets all gooey-eyed at Plitt's non-neanderthal opinion and I have to admit, so did I. I hope you don't get fired by Evil Jackie, Plitty Plitt, although I'm sure you'd be better off. Then Plitt serves his 2 guests this:

. . . as if they were the fuckin' Duggar family (there's a big plate of hotdogs barely peeking out). Just kidding, Greg! I actually appreciate great hospitality like that; I just had to get in the Duggar joke.

2. Jackie tells Peeler's Sky Lab client that Peeler is the most awful person in the world and that's why he was fired (in a nutshell). I had to run to the bathroom and barf during this part. When Peeler's client says that he called her and offered to continue to train her IN THE PARK, my heart almost melted with love.

Jackie convinces the client to remain on the dark side, but the good part is that she assigns JD to be her new trainer.

3. Jackie organizes a retreat/boot camp for Sky Labbers and their trainers. The first morning they are there, Jackie tortures the Sky Labbers (and us) with what seems to be HOURS of crazy frenetic exercise. There is crying and belittling and one lady even throws up. Yes! Clever weight loss plan, Jackie!

3. Trainer Renessa confides to good friend Trainer Rebecca that she has a crush on Plitt. Rebecca tells Plitt this as soon as she gets the chance and then pretty much flirts with him and shoves her chi-chis in his face. God, she sucks!

Later, the trainers all participate in a gratuitous sexy chicken game which I'm sure made the fat Sky Labbers feel AWESOME.

4. Jackie says that in addition to exercise and proper eating, Sky Labbers need therapy to get healthy. Exactly! Maybe some individual counseling with a therapist off-camera? NO! Jackie decides that all of these overweight people should sit in a room with their gorgeous rock-hard trainers (not to mention a national television audience!) to speak about and resolve their deepest emotional issues. Oh, there is some sort of retarded life coach there who speaks about 2 sentences before Jackie takes charge. FUCKING JACKIE! Of course there is a big fight among Sky Labbers, at which point Jackie pontificates and the life coach remains mute. Big surprise.

5. There is a commercial for Flipping Out and I can't wait! Jeff Lewis is such a douche yet I love his good looks and his interiors. I'll just have to watch the show on mute.

That's it! Next week's episode shows the trainers getting inappropriately schnockered at the Sky Lab retreat. Jackie reacts with "blah blah blah," etc, etc.

This post was tres bitter, and I apologize for that but there's no other way to cover this show. I hope you understand.

If anyone is interested, Alex McCord recently updated her Bravo blog with a very innocuous post that mentions nothing about licking the balls of high-society types.

Our darling Jill Zarin also updated recently. Ahhh, Team Jill! Now we're ending on a happy note.

Let me know what you think of Work Out, sexy chicken, Jeff Lewis, Alex McCord or Jessica Simpson's break-up with Tony Romo. Or whatever.


Brilliant Asylum said...

It looks like Alex has been reading too much of her own press. Usually I don't like that in a celeb (ahem, Julia Roberts) but I see Alex is putting all that constructive critisism to work. Haircuts, remodels, Coney Island--she almost has me convinced that she is just a regular carpool mom.

karey m. said...

brill. yunt.

i LIVE for these! {sad, but true.}

Jennifer said...

If it walks like an asshole and talks like an asshole, guess what? It's an asshole.

hello, gorgeous! said...

I hate to break it to you all but Rebecca isn't a trainer, she's an actress hired to play the part (maybe this has been covered in a previous post). Someone mentioned last week that one of the trainers used to be on a soap so I'm wondering if anybody's real on this, um, reality show.

And don't even get me started on Alex and her children who are allowed to destroy other people's food at a dinner party. And that photo? I will need extra therapy this week for that.

SGM, I heart you in that way that Angelina Jolie hearts her brother...

SGM said...

Hello Gorgeous, do you mean you love me in a really perverted and creepy way? Because I would be totally into that. :)

REBECCA IS AN ACTRESS?! We have all been duped by RECECCA? Hold the phone--I'm going to research that right now.

Jennifer said...

Rebecca and her gay ex boyfriend also whined their way through the Amazing Race.

elaine said...

This comment has nothing to do with the post and is more directed towards Frank...

Dear Frank:

That fucktard, Nathan is abandoning his family for the weekend (I mean seriously, how important is his only brother's bachelor party???). Frank, I desperately need your advice - how do the G and I stay busy and not go crazy for 48 hours. I do have a few vicodens for evening time (after my little bundle of joy goes night night) BUT WHAT ABOUT THE DAYTIME FRANK? From one fucktard to another, help a sister out.


Your wife's lesbian lover


I *Heart* You said...

yes, they are actors. heard from my brother that peeler too is an actor and was hired to be on the show and work at sky lab. i am pretty sure if you are hot with a fitness background of some sort and want to be in the entertainment industry that this is the show to get cast on. that being said, i still lurve it.

i also think greg plitt waxes his face. anyone else?

Sarah's Fab Day said...

All I know is that Jackie Warner is to irritating for words, I think that I might hate her. I know a little harsh I think I might just be slightly bitter.

hello, gorgeous! said...

Yes, I did mean it in a really perverted, inappropriate way since I knew you'd be into it. :-)

One thing about Alex: If she says one more time, "If anyone has a problem with Simon and I..." "Jill invited Simon and I to the party..."

She misuses pronouns all the time in an effort to appear educated and constantly says "I" when she means "me" - it drives me crazy!! See? It's making me use entirely too many exclamation points!!

Before she teaches her babies Latin and French, maybe she should bone up on English...

SGM said...


Having been in Nathan's position, as a brother father and husband, I know I speak for him when I say; going to some bachelor party where some soon to be "cheri" strippers are probably going to do things that a wholesome woman like you could not even imagine is the last thing he wants to do. I know when both of my brothers got married and had bachelor parties, I was harassed to the point that I could not withstand the peer pressure and I went just to get my brothers off my back, when really all I wanted to do is spend the evening at home with my wonderful wife and children.

So with that as the back drop to how I know Nathan is feeling, I would make the following suggestions to you and Baby G on how to fill your weekend.

Nathan is going to be beat from all of the debauchery that he will witness over the weekend. When he gets home he is not going to want to walk in and step on Baby G's toys which will likely play some annoying song at an obscene decibel. Thus, I think you should devote at least some portion of your weekend to making sure your home is spotless upon his arrival.

Nathan will also be very hungry, as it is very likely that he will have been hung over and have thrown up the last meal he had the evening before. Therefore, I think you will want to have his favorite meal prepared and ready to be served piping hot when he walks through the door. This will require a lot of effort on your part as I know trying to prepare a meal with a toddler at your ankles is difficult, however, I know you will be able to persevere by enjoying the simple pleasure you can derive from the minimum two trips to Austin's check out lane at Trader Joe's you will inevitably have to make.

Next, I think you should take a bit of time out to focus on yourself. You will undoubtedly have a long and grueling weekend. Therefore, I think you should go to a spa or where ever you go to get a bikini wax done. Nathan will have had to endure observing things that appeal only to the purient interests and are likely illegal in the State of Utah. Although he will resist temptation while away from you, the love of his life, he is going to want to watermelon tango somebody. One other small suggestion that may be helpful "brazilain."

Next be sure to call Haley and get all your bitching out about what a terrible weekend you had doing all these things and taking care of Baby G all by yourself over the weekend. Nathan is going to spare you from details of what he went through and you should return the favor by not bothering him with the details of how hard the weekend was for you.

Finally, my last suggestion is of something NOT to do under any circumstances. I know you will think it might be cute to perhaps send him a sexy photograph of yourself to his cell phone so that he will be thinking of you instead of some stripper. Ordinarily this would be a welcome treat that he would appreciate greatly. However, under the circumstances of him being with his brother and a bunch of other drunk men he may think his wife is sending a picture of his precious baby and open the picture in front of the guys. This will be incredibly awkward for you at the next family gathering, so I implore you to not do it.

Those would be my suggestions. I hope they are helpful.


Jessie said...

Erm, am I the only one who thinks jumping off a cliff into the ocean sounds fun?

elaine said...

Dearest Frank,

I just received an update from Nathan. The groom drank so much last night that he's been in bed all day throwing up. The stripper called an hour ago to confirm the time - she sent Nathan out on an errand -- to buy whipped cream. What kind of stripper makes the customer buy her product? I told Nathan that he was too nice. I'm sure you would have told that Cheri to take her whipped cream and shove it.

Hoping for the best,


PS - Nathan loved your advice (as did Haley - SGM, watch out, Haley has a crush on Frank)

Anonymous said...

Plitt is one of the bowflex commercial guys.

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