Thursday, May 8, 2008

Beware, Jennifer Aniston. BEWARE.

Dear Jen,

I know you don't know me, but of course I know you. While I was not a fan of Friends, I did watch Picture Perfect and The Break Up. The movies weren't the best things ever, but damn if you don't have the cutest figure! Seriously! I think you're adorable. And the Brad thing--I was totally on your side. I knew Angelina was bad news years ago when I saw her all over Billy Bob, licking him and stuff on the red carpet. She's gorgeous but she's clearly trash. That was a smart decision to get that Billy Bob tattoo, huh?

Back to the subject--I hear you're dating John Mayer. As someone who has a history with him, I have some information that I think you need to know.

(1) You are aware of this, right?

and this?

and don't forget about this:

Just wanted to make sure. It's gonna take a strong woman to be with John. He's a randy musician with a large penis who has already stepped out on you and who will be going on tour this summer to places such as Denver, known for its hot sexy MWMACSS (mothers with muffintops and c-section scars). Can you handle this? If you're answer is anything other than "no," I think you might want to double-check with your therapist.

(2) Did you know that John has insinuated that he thinks of Angelina "to help [him] finish" when he's getting a bj? He has a whole bit about Brad and Ange and blow jobs in his stand-up routine. It's funny, right? To think that when you and John were getting freaky last weekend, he was fantasizing about the woman who stole your husband. God, I bet you can't stop laughing.

(3) I recently saw a photo of you laying out in the sun.


I know you didn't have sunscreen on because you wouldn't be pulling your bikini top down like that. You still lay out in the sun AND you smoke (some sources have claimed you're trying to quit--how's that going now that Angie is preggers again?). Honey, yoga and plastic surgery can help but they can't perform miracles! Your neck is going to be a mess in about 6 years. Do you want John writing songs about you to the tune of "I could get lost in the creases of her neck/her breath smells like an ashtray/she's a plastic wreck"? Get out now, before it's too late.


You may be wondering what my motives are in telling you all of this. Some might say that I have my own agenda. It's true, I used to have a tiny crush on John, but not any more. According to Us Weekly, he was schtupping you in Miami on my birthday and that kind of put an end to things. Some people might even call you the man-stealing Angelina in this scenario, but not me. No siree! There is no bitterness in this heart. I'm not even jealous that your stomach doesn't pooge out when you sit in your bikini. I'm just one woman looking out for another. I truly don't want to see you get hurt again. Call me if you need me; I'm here to help.

Best Regards,
SGM

13 comments:

In(side) the Loop said...

This was a perfect way to end my day :) You're a hoot!

jen said...

It's so kind of you to put her needs above your own. Wow. You are a true sister.

SGM said...

Thank you, Courtney.

Jen, I know. Bros before hos, I always say. (or is it hos before bros because I'm a woman? Confusing.)

Susannah said...

Dude! (No, I don't usually say dude but I am just that excited.) I am so totally an MWMACSS! What a perfect acronym! Waaaay better than MILF which is kind of sexist if you ask me. MILF carries the assumption that most people DON'T want to eff mamas when everyone knows that is just not true. Nothing is sexier than a muffin top in low rise jeans, with an un-groomed nether-region (because mamas just don't have the time) with just a hint, nay, a tease of a C-section scar poking out the top. Yay! MWMACSS! I think I'm going to get a tee-shirt made. You just made my night.

jozette said...

First: MWMACSS. Amazing.

Second: It's so nice that you are not bitter. I personally think that John Mayer, while talented, is a douche bag. So I'm glad you're over him. :)

Sucker For Marketing said...

Jen is totally sucking in her gut in that swimsuit photo...just look at her face!

I know, I am the one sitting right next to her with my ginormous post-breastfeeding-two-babies boobs falling out of my slenderizing miraclesuit.

Jen and I had a good laugh after that photo was taken!

I *Heart* You said...

Totally random, but I kind of think they have the potential to be cute together. I wonder if Sheryl Crow is the link. She is besties with Jen and was on tour with John for like a year.

I think the funniest part of the whole things was that Jen "reached out" to Jessica when her divorce was happening. I am recalling a magazine article where Jess said that Jen was supportive about all that. I guess prolly not anymore.

Once again, I love your commentary. I feel like I should be drinking a martini while I read it! :)

Jennifer said...

I think I just peed in my pants.

decorno said...

You're my favorite.

Anonymous said...

Jennifer... You're not the only one peeing. As discussed on other sites: Johnny likes to give golden showers.

Mrs. Blandings said...

If this post weren't good enough, I've now added the word "pooge" to my vocabulary.

Jessie said...

The non-pooge-bikini-belly was like, the first thing I noticed and made a mental note of! How the hell does she do that? I heard it was pilates, but I own at least three pilates burn-a-thon/dance party/remix mania DVDs (they are somehwere around here anyways) and when I sit in a bikini, let me tell you - we've got ourselves a pooge.

Jennifer said...

Oh you have GOT to see this:

http://justjared.buzznet.com/2008/05/10/jennifer-aniston-john-mayer-poolside/

They knew *exactly* what they were doing. The whole thing just smacks of desperation. Gross.