Friday, February 27, 2009

The Return of David

I haven't really been keeping up with VH1's Sober House, but last night I caught the most recent episode. Everyone was talking about this mean guy David, whose bulls-eye cruelty incited Shifty's near-fatal relapse. Who is this David, I wondered, and why is he hanging around the fragile sober people? During a Dr. Drew therapy session, I learned that David is Sober House resident Mary Carey's (porn star) manager and that he is this evil Svengali-type who makes Mary cry. I had not yet laid eyes on David, yet I hated him with a fiery passion.

Finally, David appeared onscreen to verbally abuse Mary and discuss the swinger's convention that he booked for her. Total d-bag. Hmmm....he looks familiar. Do you recognize him?

I'll give you a moment.

Okay okay, I can't keep it in any longer! I'll tell you! THIS is David:

that cheesey shitweasel from Jo and Slade's show, Date My Ex! The one who was the frontrunner for a while because he gave Jo a helicopter ride and a Louis Vuitton scarf! The one who basically said that he was a rising star and offered to manage her music career. Apparently, the music career he had in mind was one in which she played the skin flute! (sorry, so gross, but how could I resist?!)(look it up on urban dictionary if you need to.)

Can you imagine if Jo ended up with him? She'd be starring in Real Hookers of Orange County (and honestly, she'd probably be making more money than she is right now). Oh, I'm just DYING.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

"So we're in a no-skank zone?"


Andy Cohen, my darling, tonight you became a man. Right in front of our own eyes! It was like you were Bravo's own Katie Couric, asking the tough questions and letting the women expose themselves for what they are--heartless (Vicki), petty (Tamra), enabling (Jeana), suspicious (Gretchen), and a too tan but harmless (Lynne).

Here are the highlights of the juicy Real Housewives of Orange County reunion:

1. Kara received a boob job for graduation. I KNEW IT! I just fucking dug through my trash to find my notes from the Berkeley episode, in which I wrote "DID KARA GET BOOBS?" Ah, I feel so vindicated!

2. Tamra's going to be selling her removed implants on ebay. Ew, isn't that medical waste or something? Is that legal?

3. Gretchen tearfully talks about final days with Jeff. Check out Vicki and Tamra's expressions:

I had Tamra's same pinched look on my face when I was watching the Countess order pizza under the name of "Mrs. de Lesseps." (could you effing believe that, btw?) Tamra and Vicki's hostile demeanor during this part--FORESHADOWING. Andy tries to pin Gretch down on how much money Jeff left her, but she is evasive: "not millions and millions." wtf does that mean? Can you afford boobs or not, Gretchen?

4. Remember this moment?

Drunk Ryan has just revealed his nugget tattoo to drunk Tamra, who finds comfort in the arms of drunk Vicki. They boozily cry and hug and utter words of never-ending friendship. It is an absurd, embarrassing scene, but when this clip is shown at the reunion, Tamra exclaims, "that's my favorite scene ever!"

Of course it is.

5. Andy asks (via viewer email) if sometimes the women go too far with the revealing outfits and titties galore. Vicki says, "there's a time and a place for it." For work, she claims, she dresses professionally. That's why she wore this:

to a business dinner. BUSTED.

Gretch says "we're sexy but we're still classy." Andy, with a gleam in his eye, confirms, "so we're in a no-skank zone?" Hmm. I'd say that's open for debate, at least in the case of Tamra.

6. We see a montage of Vicki and Tamra being AWFUL toward Lynne behind her back. Vicki brushes it off, "we're not mean!" Andy comes back with an incredulous, "you don't think you're mean?!" Then Tamra basically says that Lynne is a dumbass. Lynne fires back with a "and you're a real rocket scientist" and Vicki's eyes almost pop out of her head, as if Lynne was hitting below the belt. Andy calls that bullshit out and Vicki quiets down. Go Andy, go Andy, go go go Andy!

Wrapping this topic up (for now), Andy says to Lynne, "to clarify, you're not at home sucking on a bong all day." Lynne confirms that she is not. Ha!

7. Andy brings up the Gretchen copycat business. Remember that? Tamra thinks Gretchen "copied" her because Gretchen expressed a desire for a pink motorcycle. Andy says about Gretchen "so she's either All About Eve, or Florence Nightengale." Gretchen's all "what's that?" Anyone who has attended Baylor University (Gretchen's alma mater), please rip up your diplomas.

8. Jeana makes Lynne cry and I simply can't relive it in writing or otherwise. In fact, I must make my own amends to Lynne. I am sorry, Lynne. I think that you are basically a kind person, and the only time I hear you talking shit is when you are defending yourself from an attack by the bullies/axis of evil/Tamra and Vicki.

Feel free to watch the painful moment here.

9. Andy brings up Tamra's etiquette dinner, and Tamra actually admits that she was completely embarrassed and ashamed of her behavior in that episode. Watch her apparently sincere mea culpa here.

10. Now for the JUICE! Tamra said in the last episode that she thinks that Gretchen's relationship with Jeff was a sham and that Gretchen was a paid companion. Andy investigates! In a nutshell, Tamra claims that a man named Jay called her in the middle of the night (during the filming of season 4) claiming to be Gretchen's boyfriend and said that he was ready to out Gretchen for the fraud she is. Gretchen and Tamra talked the next day, and Gretchen said "yeah, it's a long story, he's a stalker."

Tamra gets another phone call from Jay, and this time Simon talks to him for AN HOUR about their relationship and Gretchen's fakey relationship with Jeff.


Wait, wait! It gets even more interesting. Andy asks Gretchen about this, and she says that yes, she used to date him but now they are just really good friends. "Did he go to Bass Lake with you?" Tamra asks. Gretchen says yes, and that he's a really good family friend.

"So what is he, Gretchen? A stalker or a really good friend?" asks Tamra. She has a point.

Then they fight, as seen here. Wasn't Tamra creepy when she was shouting "THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!" Dude, I thought she was going to start speaking in tongues next, but instead she checks her cell phone. (so many of you mentioned this, and I have to admit, it was the best part of that clip.) Tamra adds that Jeana saw Jay's clothes on Gretchen's bedroom floor. Jeana corroborates this, but how would she know whose clothes are on Gretchen's floor? Did he have name tags sewn in? Gretchen says as much. Andy asks direct questions.

Andy: "are you single?"

Gretchen: "yes."

Andy: "this man is not your boyfriend?"

Gretchen: "no"


Gretchen: "No!"

After this scene, I think lie detectors should be required at all reunion shows.

11. Lauri was on too, but a big yawner. Andy hands out somewhat degrading t-shirts for everyone,

and then they all (except for Gretchen) do tequila shots. Andy even did one, and also cajoled Vicki into doing a WOO HOO.

So that's it! Good riddance to these bitches, at least until season 5. What do you think of the Gretchen business? I hope she's not dating that dude, because he sounds like an asshole. Tell me what you think!

UPDATE: the internet is abuzz with news of Gretchen's alleged relationship. Looks like Jay was sending emails to the media before the reunion aired (see here). Nice guy.

Bravo News

"My hair is severe, my ill-fitting dress is Jessica McClintock c. 1992, and I have no accessories except for one boring-ass ring.

1. Rachel Zoe, what the hell is going on? (thanks to tipster Halbizures.)

2. Are you watching Top Chef? Is anyone not on Team Carla? I loved her from the moment that she said she knew her restaurant wars dessert was fucked, so she just sent it out "with looooooove." Tom gave her his jaded eyeroll, but I thought it was pretty awesome. Carla, if you ever want to cook for me, PLEASE CALL ME. I can promise you that I will not invite those OC whores over for an "etiquette party."

"Jeana, stop telling her that lipgloss is fattening!"

Speaking of those OC whores, we have another jaw-dropping double-header with the Real Housewives tonight! The Orange County reunion is up first, followed by the second episode of NYC. To whet your appetite: remember the preview clip of Countess Nastypants rudely snatching the microphone at some sort of fancy event? That episode airs tonight--watch the scene in its entirety here:

So gracious and demure! (Contingent upon "gracious" and "demure" being re-defined as "pretentious" and "asshole-y.")

See you sweet bitches tomorrow.

Photo of Debra "this-shuts-nothing-down" Messing via the magnificent TLo.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Recession hits Atlanta skanks


I cannot top the comment of the always brilliant Anonymous, who said, "LMAO...there's a tightrope...And your ass fell off of it." !!!

Maybe it's time for Kim to get a jobby job.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

"That's the worst, people who think they are better than other people."

...says the woman who refers to herself in third-person as "the Countess." Oh my God, can you believe how clueless this woman is? In the premiere episode of season two of Real Housewives of New York City, we see LuAnn serving up some of the rudest, most condescending behavior I have ever seen (worse than Vicki and Sheree, and that's really saying something), yet she claims to be an EXPERT on ETIQUETTE. At first it enraged me and I longed to smack that self-satisfied expression off of her face, but now I just think she's the biggest joke ever. Oh, wait--I still long to smack the self-satisfied expression off of her face.

These Housewives arouse such feelings of violence in me. I'm dangerous! It's kind of exciting. Here's your recap for this week's Real Housewives of New York City:

1. At Jill's house in the Hamptons: Bethenny has just read the interview that Jill did with the NY Post's Cindy Adams (see here) and alarmed, calls Jill into the kitchen

Jill's all "OH SHIT" and reads the article, where she is quoted as saying that Simon drinks too much and that she does not speak to Simon or Alex.

Meanwhile, we see a bedraggled Alex, possibly in her slippers, going to buy a copy of the Post because a friend (otherwise known as a Bravo producer) called to tell her she should.


Back to Jill, who feels badly, but claims that she only said these things because Simon made a snotty remark about her to the press, saying "[Jill] is from Long Island and it shows." Jill says to Bethenny, "you hit me, I'm gonna hit you back." In other words, "don't fuck with this Long Island bitch, or you will PAY."

Now back to Alex and Simon (who are sitting on their infamous futon, fyi). They have read the article and are talking about how Jill has low self-esteem. Alex says she wants to tell Jill to write "I AM GOOD ENOUGH" on her mirror in lipstick. WTF?

I want to write "TINSLEY MORTIMER DOES NOT HAVE A FUTON" on Alex's mirror.

Cut to Ramoner, who is bug-eyed with delight over the interview. She reads it aloud to daughter Avery.

Are you ready for Ramoner's reaction? "Jill can tend to overreact, and that isn't good. It hurts people's feelings." Can you even believe it?! This, from the fucking crazypants who went PSYCHO BANANAS on Simon after Alex brought him to a girls' night out. Oh, Ramoner. You kill me.

Back to Jill's where Bethenny compares Jill to a "raging pirahna" (love that) who doesn't think about consequences. Jill picks up the phone to call Alex. I am curled up in a ball on my couch, bracing myself for the certain agony that will be this phone call.

Alex answers and gives Jill a cold greeting. The SGM Bravo Scale of Agony™ rating is HIGH. Jill starts in on her apology and Alex says "I'm going to pass the phone to Simon." I almost wet my pants, but Jill says "Why? I called you," and thankfully Alex stays on the phone. Jill apologizes but immediately goes on the offensive about Simon's Long Island remark. Alex declares that Jill bashed Simon because she was jealous about this article in NYMag. Jill is FLABBERGASTED, as am I, because that piece totally made fun of Simon and Alex and exposed them as the desperate wannabes that they are. Jill ends the call with a sarcastic "yeah, you're right, I AM JEALOUS."

Back to the ridiculous Ramoner, who offers more wisdom: "I may not like someone, but I would never have it published." Right, you would choose to have it filmed instead.

2. We find out that Simon and Alex, who have said over and over that they are "anti-Hamptons," are...going to the Hamptons! Jill and Bethenny hear this through the grapevine and note the hypocrisy. Bethenny says, "they don't know anyone; they just want to be near where the fabulous parties are." True that. Jill knows there will be a face-to-face confrontation at some point and is dreading it. Me too!

We see the house that Simon and Alex are renting and it's a little shabby and cluttered. Bravo does a prolonged shot of a dilapidated outdoor window, insinuating that the place is a pretty much a haunted abandoned crackhouse. Simon and Alex tour the house stiffly, exclaiming things like "Oh, this will be just fine! So quaint!" They all go out to the pool for a swim, and their kids are wearing Speedos.

3. LuAnn just got back from Switzerland, and Jill goes over her house to fill her in on the drama. LuAnn may be the biggest poseur on the face of the earth, but honey, she has such a gorgeous home. Hope she gets it in the inevitable divorce. Jill is explaining how Simon's Long Island insult sounded like he thought he was better than her. That's when LuAnn is all "Oh, that's the worst, people who think they are better than you." Oh, really? Please do go on, Countess.

Princess Preachy goes on to instruct Jill: "Don't say what you think to someone who's going to write it down." Excellent advice from LuAnn, whose snobbish opinions are on display every week for the world to see.

4. Jill, husband Bobby, gay husband Brad and Bethenny all walk into a Hampton's party. Jill and especially Brad are being terribly bitchy, criticizing everything: "This party is so pedestrian. Who are thse people?" All of the sudden: Simon and Alex are spotted! My stomach lurches!

Bethenny gives Jill and pep talk, saying "Let's bang it out and get it over with." That's what she said. Ahem.

Jill goes over to Alex, says hi, apologizes again and then she and Bethenny run over to LuAnn. Guess what Countess Fuckface says? FIRST, she derisively tells someone we can't see "I'm sorry, but the Countess doesn't drink beer from a bottle." Then she turns her back to the person dismissively. Such beautiful manners.

SECOND, upon hearing that Jill approached Alex, she snorts "It was nice of you to go say hi. I would not have done the same thing." More derisive laughter. God, I can't wait to read her book and RIP IT TO TINY SHREDS.

Jill steels herself and walks over to talk to Simon, who is very gracious. Jill even gives Simon a big hug, a brave act considering he looks muy sweaty. After they make up, Jill says "let's go do shots," the irony of which is not lost on Simon.

5. LuAss invites the new housewife Kelly Bensimon for a drink. Countess orders Champagne. Kelly is all "really?" and orders a cappuccino. Kelly is a natural beauty, and we learn that she is/was a model. Oh! LuAnn is too! Finally we get some honesty from LuAnn, who admits that it was mostly catalog work. They talk about writing (or riding, I'm not sure). Whatever. LuAnn invites Kelly to a charity event that Jill is hosting. Kelly accepts, and LuAnn, with pseudo-modesty, adds that her kids are putting together the gift bags. REMEMBER THIS.

7. Jill's pool in the Hamptons. Bethenny and Jill are discussing Kelly. Bethenny knows her and describes her as a "real socialite...part of the fabulosity crowd." Discussion turns to Jill's event, which is later that night. "Did I hear Silex is coming?" (Silex = the inseparable Simon and Alex). "Yes," Jill says, and she has learned her lesson because she says something to the effect that she is glad that they have been so willing to patch things up and make an effort to attend.

Then (PAY ATTENION), she mentions that the gift bags still need to be done, and it's stressing her out. She's relieved the Countess' kids will be there early to help her out with that.

8. We're at Jills party!

Jill says that she asked Bethenny and Jill to be on the benefit committee. Bethenny's job was to do the alcohol, and she went above and beyond by supplying copious amounts of liquor for the featured Skinny Girl Margaritas (which was perhaps a wee bit insensitive, considering that the benefit is for Kenyan orphans who could probably use a few calories, but I'll overlook it because I am firmly on Team B).

And what was the Countess' contribution? Oh, that's right--to simply deliver her kids to do gift bags. But guess what? LuAnn never brought the kids over, and when she arrives, she just breezes right the fuck in and offers no apology or explanation to Jill. Jill is pissed because she's short on gift bags because the kids weren't there to help. Jill didn't confront her, but you can bet your sweet ass she's gonna file it away. Long Island girls nevah fuh-get.

9. All of the Housewives are at Jill's party, including Ramoner. And Simon. Kelly talks about how she is nervous because she doesn't know anyone. I'm sure that at some point we will see her bad side, but right now she's very likable. Anyhoo, the Countess leaves her with Ramoner, who just blathers on and on about Avery. I was expecting Kelly to do a big eye-roll to the camera, but no. She said she thought Ramona was very sweet and warm. Either Kelly is extremely kind, or she received some good advice from her pr rep before the show.

The Countess, feeling that it is her job to make sure everyone looks presentable, walks up to this elderly Lady Gaga/Magda from There's Something about Mary,

and says "you look fabulous but I have to tell you, you have gold lipstick on your teeth." Then she walks away. God, I love Bravo's editors. They don't miss a thing. (But really, who is this lady who dresses up like Magda? Anyone know?)

"No, Kelly, you're doing it all wrong. Stick your nose up in the air higher. Aim for that airplane!"

Ramoner does not know that Simon and Alex have reconciled with Jill, so when she sees them from afar, she mentions something about being uncomfortable. In typical Ramoner fashion, she bolts without saying goodbye to Jill.

Who is the first one to take note of it and be highly critical? The Countess, of course. FRAUD ALERT.

That's it! What did you think of the season two premiere?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Tamra and Vicki are despicable

I cannot get this preview clip from the reunion out of my head. I'm not sure what's worse--Tamra's vicious attack on Gretchen, or Vicki's smug smile as it's all going down.

I'd post the video for you here, but the embed functionality at the new isn't up and running yet. But really--click on the link. Appalling.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Prep Yourself

1. For those new to the RHNYC scene: please see Gawker's guide to the housewives. It's kind of harsh (and I know harsh, babies) and inaccurate (e.g. Jill's husband is in the fabric business, not carpet), but it's still entertaining:

Wine-faced and tired looking, Bethenny makes healthy "gourmet" food for people and tries to fashion herself into some sort of Uptown wiseacre Martha Stewart. Honestly, Bethenny isn't all that bad. That is when she isn't crowing about her "SkinnyGirl Margaritas" (tequila and a lime spritz) or saying "Oh no she di'n't" in fake black girl cadences. This season look for more crowing about SkinnyGirl Margaritas and saying of "Oh no she di'n't" in fake black girl cadences.

I think this paragraph is going to cause Bethenny to drop another 10 pounds.

2. Those who watched last season can read Season 1's Reunion recap. You'll fall in love with Jill and Bethenny all over again, and your hatred of Ramoner, Alex and the Countess will be renewed with vigor.

3. SPEAKING OF THE COUNTESS, she took to her Bravo blog to write about her new etiquette book (yes, she's still going forward with it despite this and similar incidents) and she haughtily solicits any questions readers might have about manners.

I have a question! What do you do when the cover of your etiquette book almost shows your nipple? Get back to me on that, will you, LuAnn? This whole Class with the Countess business is ridiculous, and God bless those Bravo blog readers for calling that shit OUT in the comments:

I feel a gag coming up from my core. Is this why you exist? Emily Post is enough for me. I don't need a squirty "Countess" handing out advice on manners, of all things.
Does the counts previous 4 wives get to keep the "countess" title after a divorce?

Ha! "Squirty" is my new favorite word. If you want to see more razor-sharp zingers, believe me, there is no shortage--look here.

Enjoy the fireworks tonight, and meet me back here tomorrow!

What's going on with She by Sheree?

I thought you'd never ask!

Remember when Sheree claimed to the world that she'd be debuting her She by Sheree fashion line at New York Fashion Week? I think we all did a collective "bitch, please. Do you think they just let anyone in?"

Well, New York Fashion Week is upon us and I just thought I'd confirm what we already knew: she's not there. In an interview with, the wily Sheree explains:

No, I’m not showing at Fashion Week. My line will be in stores in the fall and my Web site,, is up. 2009 is a hot year. Barack is going into office and Michelle Obama is by his side. She’s awesome and is a great example. 2009 is Sheree’s year, girl. Let my haters be my motivators.

Brilliant move, Sheree. Just randomly throw the Obamas in there and no one will remember all of the total bullshit that comes out of your mouth in regard to your non-existent fashion line. GOOD GOD, do you really think we are that stupid?

You know what else, Sheree? I love the fact that you ended your answer with your trademark cliche, "let your hater be your motivator." !!! Sheree, as one of your haters, I shall respond in turn with another tired expression: don't hate the playa, hate the game. If you didn't make these grand statements about how She by Sheree is going to be on the runways in Milan and Paris, your number of haters would be reduced by half. Well, maybe not that much--you attract haters like Lindsay Lohan attracts lines of coke. It's magnetic.

For more of Sheree's lame cliches (bizarrely categorized under "photos") and meaningless hype (a new workout dvd), visit Sheree's website. Actually, don't. It's a complete waste of your time.

Oh my GOD, I have a headache. Thanks a lot, Sheree! I'm going to go pop some Advil and eat a box of Girl Scout cookies. Don't forget the Real Housewives of NYC premiere tonight--are you ready? Check back in later this afternoon for an update on why I (almost) feel sorry for the Countess.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Yanked-up faces and such

"Girls, I've heard that the History of a Modern Hoochie exhibit at Bebe is marvelous. Let's take a look, shall we?"

1. RHOC in the LA Times:

I mean, just look at these women and how they’re presented, the raccoon eyes and the god-awful fake breasts, the fried hair and yanked-up faces. Are any of them ever shown reading a book or seeing a play? Visiting a museum (for the record, the Galleria is not one), picking up a newspaper or having a conversation about anything that mattered at all? Of course not. These housewives of Orange County are too busy downing tequila shooters, redecorating their redecorated houses, admiring their cosmetic surgery and wondering why their kids are so screwed up (!) to have actual lives.

Is that not the most concisely perfect description of the OC women?! Check out the entire article--you will feel shame for watching, yet will also feel superior because, unlike Vicki et al, you are reading a newspaper article.

2. Who is the hot mama (or surrogate mama, as the case may be) with Andy Cohen?

Find the answer here. Stunning.

3. Bravo is hosting a RHNYC party tomorrow at Sephora in NYC, and you, my friends, are invited. There will be gift bags and the Countess will be giving foot masages to the first 50 people. Just kidding on that last part, but there will be massages. All you need to do is bring the invitation found here. Those of you in NYC, please check it out and report back.

I am giddy with excitement for the double-feature of trash tomorrow--see you then!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Six means Sex

I ask you: Bret or Jemaine?

For those of you who can't decide or don't watch HBO's Flight of the Conchords, please watch the following (the dancing is exquisite)(oh, and don't watch it with your kids in the room):

Thanks to Susie, my sweet sugalump.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

"If you can get one more dancer off those poles, then you're doing the right thing."

Is there any doubt AT ALL as to what is about to come out of Vicki's mouth? (I'm totally rolling my eyes and shaking my head right now). Here's the deal: Vicki inadvertently lured a stripper to her expensive insurance seminar and as a result thinks she's humanitarian of the year. I wonder if that's why she's showing so much cleavage--it must be her way of showing support for strippers everywhere. Let's hear a big tired WOO HOO for Vicki. I'm sure she'll give herself some sort of fakey-fake award to recognize all of her inspirational work in this area.

Speaking of awards, look who finally has her shit together and is posting this RHOC recap in a somewhat timely manner? Trophies for everyone! Let's get to it:

1. Vicki has started a business called L.I.F.E. (Living Inspired and Fully Engaged) with Vicki. Oh my God, the IRONY. Why would anyone be attracted to the concept of Life with Vicki? In fact, I think most people (including Vicki's husband and children) are desperately trying to escape Life with Vicki. And the "fully engaged part"? Ha! The only time I've ever seen Vicki fully engaged is when she is conniving to sell the family vacation home in Havasu in order to buy herself that yacht.

So anyhow, Vicki is conducting a L.I.F.E. with Vicki seminar on a cruise ship, the purpose of which is to train people to become angry, narcissistic, pseudo workaholics successful insurance salespeople.

"...And then I told Gretchen to put the pen in Jeff's bony hand and make that fucker sign the life policy!"

Donn is there, as well as Vicki's son Michael and Michael's friend Rees. Vicki has paid for Michael and Rees to go on the cruise, laboring under the illusion that they are actually interested in the insurance business. If Vicki is so "fully engaged," how is it that we know Michael hates insurance and she doesn't?

Vicki needs more attention, so she climbs a rock wall on the ship and SURPRISE, makes a big dramatic production out of it. She actually gives instructions to the rock wall worker, saying "I don't want to get hurt, I want everything to be calm." Then she proceeds to SHRIEK all the way up, as if someone is poking her in the ass with an electric cattle prod the entire time.

Good God. Listen, I have recently climbed a rock wall. It is scary. But there is no need to scream on the way up. Personally, I find that whispering "fuckfuckfuck" to the wall is a much more dignified way to handle fear.

2. Jeana's helping Kara moving back to Berkeley. Yawn.

3. Jeff's back in the hospital and Gretch takes a trip to Dallas to visit college girlfriends. The friends talk about how CRAZY Gretchen was in college--she actually put lemon juice in her hair!

So wild.

4. Tamra and her kids go to Iowa to visit her dad. The story is that after dad divorced Tamra's mom, he married the mom's best friend. Then they divorced and now he's living with another lady. This is all just background for A Very Revealing and Tender Reconciliation later in the show.

5. Frankie, Jeana's interior designer friend, is driving up to Berkley with Jeana and Kara to help with the move. Jeana and Kara are fighting SO MUCH over Kara's speedy driving--I'm surprised Frankie didn't take his chances and jump out of the car. Btw, do you remember how Jeana and Frankie became friends? He was a fan of the show and emailed her. Sigh. If only it were that easy with Jeff Lewis.

6. Lynne and husband Frank go away to San Diego for the weekend. In a discussion about their out-of-control teenagers, Lynne tells Frank that Raquel ran into the neighbor's Winnebago or something--did anyone catch this? Lynne was being strangely vague/mumbly about it (or maybe she had just smoked too much of the ganja). Then they talk about how Lynne found cigarettes in Alexa's purse. "I don't think they were hers," Lynne says, "I think she was just holding them for someone else." Frank agrees, so yes, they are both complete idiots (or stoners).

Lynne wonders what the girls are doing--cut to Lynne's house where we see Raquel playing poker. I was all "ooooh, Raquel's gonna drink and wreck some shit! I can't wait!" But then the camera pans out and ...

GRANDMA'S THERE! She won't let them drink, but she will let them do something that Lynne forbids: make brownies. No kidding--the girls said that they normally can't do this at their house because Lynne says it's too fattening. You know what else Lynne won't allow in the house because it's too fattening? FOOD.

Back to Skinnypants and Frank, who are engaging in some sort of foreplay that we really don't need to see.

Frank says he wants Lynne to give him a pole dance (barf), and Lynne says "did you bring a pole?" What's up with all of the stripper pole talk in this episode? Was Bravo offering a year of free indoor tanning to any cast member who managed to work it into a conversation?

7. Kara and Jeana are in Berkeley, and I'm dying to see the apartment because they're describing it as having an upstairs and a downstairs (both of which are Kara's) and a doorman, but it is never shown. Disappointing.

8. Tamra, her kids, her dad and some extended family meet at a hibachi grill (YES, in Iowa). This is where it kind of gets good. Ryan is talking, nay, flirting with Tamra's cousin who is probably late 40s and, truth be told, a little rough and slutty looking. The sexiness of their conversation is so overt that Tamra at one point has to yell down the table "RYAN, she's RELATED to you." Yikes.

Anyhoo, it gets better. The cousin offers to show Ryan her "mouse tattoo." She pulls down the side of her pants, below hip area (AT THE TABLE) and Ryan says he can't see anything, just underwear. "Damn," says the cousin, "pussy must've ate it." OMG. I can't decide whether that's hilarious or appalling.

9. Now we see a meeting room on the cruise ship with about 75% of the chairs empty. It's one of Vicki's riveting seminars and she's asking all seven of the attendees to tell their life stories. One woman says that when she got pregnant in college, she made the (obvious) decision to move to Vegas and strip. Vicki nods understandingly. The woman goes on to say that "when you're 40, 50, 60--you can't be on the pole anymore." Thus, she has come to L.I.F.E. with Vicki to help with her transition off the pole. Vicki fiercely applauds her and says that blah blah blah to the camera about saving dancers.

10. Gretchen meets up with her friends again; this time the friends bring babies who are so gd cute I am cooing at the tv.

11. Back to the godforsaken cruise ship and the mostly empty meeting room. Vicki is ready to flip her lid because Michael has not attended any of her sessions. She has her assistant track him down, and when he finally shows up, he's all annoyed and Vicki starts manipulating like crazy, "I'm just frustrated that my family is not here to support my business." Michael's all, "there's no way in HELL I'm going in there" (not a direct quote, but exactly what he meant). Vicki has this scary smile on her face that makes me think she's about to pull out a butcher knife, but Michael does not give in. Brave. She returns to the room to lead a chorus of feeble "woo hoos."

12. Tamra and her dad whip out some lawn chairs in the middle of nowhere and have a heart to heart.

Just as we suspected, Tamra's mom was a major downer and that's why the dad left. His new wife wanted him to stay away from Tamra and her siblings, so he did. Tamra tells the camera that he is a weak man. Agreed. Overall, it was a very soul-baring, emotional conversation and I have no idea why or how they did it in front of a camera.

Don't tip over!

13. Preview for Real Housewives of NYC and my heart was pounding! Oooooh, there are going to be some majorly AWKWARD moments and I cannot wait. Also, remember when we had the discussion about Bethenny's boobs and whether or not they are real? I think we have our answer:

How did we not notice this before? Has she lost weight?

14. Jeana has a date. Colton is actually somewhat sweet and helps her pick out a dress as well as tend to her emotionally. A limo pulls up, and just as Jeana is about to answer the door, "TO BE CONTINUED..." Really? Is this supposed to be some sort of cliffhanger? Because it's not. I don't even have mild curiousity about what Jeana's date looks like. I'm just ready to wrap this bitch up and move on to NYC.

The OC season finale (with another appearance from the dreadful Jo) is next week--and so is the premiere of the second season of RHNYC. It's almost too much for my little brain to handle.

What do you think?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A masterful tongue-lashing

Oh please, please go to Chateau de Lu to read Lucinda's open letter to Olivia Palermo of The City. Here is a sampling:

Perhaps while [Nevan, Olivia's cousin] is freeloading in your closetless apartment and leaving his skanky socks out for your company to pick up, you can offer him some cash so the next time he gets arrested for soliciting a cock eyed street whore in Palm Beach he can pay for his blow job with cash instead of Oxycontin.

Brilliance. Sheer brilliance.

Ramoner, interrupting

This is so CLASSIC:

[Excerpted from's interview with Ramoner and new housewife Kelly Bensimon]

Kelly: I mean, I guess the whole thing with...

Ramona: (Interrupting) You haven't seen it yet Kelly. Get ready, it's going to happen.

Kelly: No, I haven't. As a model people are like "You look familiar," and...

Ramona: (Interrupting) No, but they're gonna act like they know you now, and they're gonna start talking to you like they know you!

Kelly: I've been modeling since I was 16, and literally I've been on a plane, or anywhere, and someone's like "Are you my cousin's best friend?" and I'm like "Hm, no," [or they'll be like] "Do I know you from somewhere?" [and I'm like] "No."

I mean, that's constantly been the thing. [I always get] that I'm quite recognizable, but they don't know how they know me or from where they know me...

Ramona: (Interrupting) They think they know you! Because they watch you in your life, and you're not anonymous anymore. And that's good because, personally, I get invited to more interesting parties. I [never have a problem now] getting a reservation, or if I walk into a restaurant and they go "I'm sorry, we don't have a table outside," after 15 minutes they figure out who my husband and I are and they go "Oh, you know that table we thought we didn't have? We have that for you right now."

Don't you miss her? Her voice, even in print, is like a sledgehammer to my brain.

Monday, February 9, 2009

"Lynne's dress was pretty much up to her waist"

This (embarrassingly late) recap is an homage to the brilliant Elaine of I Could Kill Her. She recently took a break from her blog*, and one of the things that I will miss most is the spoken word poetry dedicated to her readers. This is one of my favorites, and of course, this. Both still bring tears to my eyes.

Thanks to Elaine's inspirational example**, I found the courage to create my own spoken word poetry. This is for you, Elaine (even though you won't understand any of it because you don't watch Real Housewives of Orange County)(wtf?). Anyhow. I love you.

*Pussy. However, Elaine can be now be found dispensing all kinds of genius advice here. There's no poetry, but it's still totally funny.

**And the TOTAL snooze-o-rama that was this episode

Undulating Cougars

Spoken word

Tamra's mother
had a facelift,
But really, she only needed
Some make-up
better hair
intensive counseling
perhaps Prozac,
barrels of Prozac

Vicki and Briana
So boring
Shopping for scrubs
I close my eyes
And wait

Jeana travels to Milwaukee
to see her parents
She has not been to Milwaukee
In 5 years
Jeana offers bullshit excuses
"Busy with volleyball, baseball"
But Jeana
Everyone knows
your asshole abusive husband
kept you from going

Lynne's mom
looks like Debbie Reynolds
Spitting image
So wise, so elegant
Not stupid.
An anomaly, or

Jeff is home,
Jeff is home!
He looks like crap
Total crap
But he is alive
Cheers to Jeff

Taco night at the Gunvalson's
Donn browns the meat
Briana arrives
Vicki frets
She will not buy the yacht
No, she will not buy the yacht
Victory for Donn and Briana
But beware,
Vicki really wants that yacht

Girls' weekend in Vegas
"Truce" they declare
Everyone smiles
except Vicki
who tries to fake it

By the pool
Jeana wants a man
Mmm, Jeana wants a man

Gretchen buys
a Hottie Whistle for Tamra
For once I agree with Vicki
ENOUGH with the hottie bizness

Gretchen has a killer body
Perfect skin
I hate her
but her fiance is dying
so I don't hate her too much

Blackjack table
Gretchen pretends she doesn't know how to play
Or count to 21
Vicki believes her
Joke's on you, Woo Hoo

Dinner for all
Gretchen says her favorite drink is
Vicki seethes
Vicki accuses
"that's MY signature drink"
Gretchen is a copycat
Tamra agrees
so mothereffing stupid

Ladies hit the dance floor
Undulating cougars
Lynne's dress is up to her waist
Undulating cougars
Vicki flirting
Disrespecting Donn
Undulating cougars
Jeana shooting men down
Gretchen begging for attention
Tamra talking shit

there is no truce
just undulating cougars
(and Gretchen)

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I want to die, and not in the happy Rachel Zoe way


I see that you finally took my advice and revamped your website. You'd think I'd be ecstatic but actually I am quite angry. Why?

The new website ERASED ALL OF THE PHOTOS TO ALMOST EVERY RECAP I HAVE EVER POSTED. Some of it can be fixed; some cannot (like, where the eff are the photos to RHOC Episode 8 and 9? The entire season of The Rachel Zoe Project?). You know what else is apparently gone forever? Vicki's kegstand from episode 208. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? DO YOU?

{insert scream of anguish}

There are other major problems with the new site but I'm going to have to take about 6 valium before I can even begin to discuss them.

To quote Sheree Whitfield, YOU HAVE RUINED MY JOY. Not to mention my blog. Get your shit together before I file some sort of class action lawsuit for intentional infliction of emotional distress. I mean it.


P.S. There is also a problem with what you are showing on Hulu (thanks to those of you who have brought this up before). Is anyone at Bravo actually competent? Jesus.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Two minor celebrities, a socialite, and a wig walk into a bar...

Take it away, my friends.

UPDATE: Some of you didn't recognize these women, which tells me you need to be reading more Perez Hilton. Or maybe I need to read less. Anyhow, left to right: Michelle Trachtenberg, Sophia Bush, the dastardly Olivia Palermo and Kim "I almost had cancer" Zolciak.

photo from here (obv)