Monday, February 9, 2009

"Lynne's dress was pretty much up to her waist"

This (embarrassingly late) recap is an homage to the brilliant Elaine of I Could Kill Her. She recently took a break from her blog*, and one of the things that I will miss most is the spoken word poetry dedicated to her readers. This is one of my favorites, and of course, this. Both still bring tears to my eyes.

Thanks to Elaine's inspirational example**, I found the courage to create my own spoken word poetry. This is for you, Elaine (even though you won't understand any of it because you don't watch Real Housewives of Orange County)(wtf?). Anyhow. I love you.


*Pussy. However, Elaine can be now be found dispensing all kinds of genius advice here. There's no poetry, but it's still totally funny.

**And the TOTAL snooze-o-rama that was this episode



Undulating Cougars

Spoken word
By SGM

Tamra's mother
had a facelift,
But really, she only needed
Some make-up
better hair
intensive counseling
perhaps Prozac,
barrels of Prozac


Vicki and Briana
So boring
Shopping for scrubs
I close my eyes
And wait

Jeana travels to Milwaukee
to see her parents
Milwaukee....Milwaukee...
She has not been to Milwaukee
In 5 years
Jeana offers bullshit excuses
"Busy with volleyball, baseball"
But Jeana
Everyone knows
your asshole abusive husband
kept you from going

Lynne's mom
looks like Debbie Reynolds
Spitting image
So wise, so elegant
Not stupid.
An anomaly, or
adoption


Jeff is home,
Jeff is home!
He looks like crap
Total crap
But he is alive
Cheers to Jeff


Taco night at the Gunvalson's
Donn browns the meat
Briana arrives
Vicki frets
She will not buy the yacht
No, she will not buy the yacht
Victory for Donn and Briana
But beware,
Vicki really wants that yacht


Girls' weekend in Vegas
"Truce" they declare
Everyone smiles
except Vicki
who tries to fake it


By the pool
Jeana wants a man
Mmm, Jeana wants a man

Gretchen buys
a Hottie Whistle for Tamra
For once I agree with Vicki
ENOUGH with the hottie bizness

Gretchen has a killer body
Perfect skin
Amazing
I hate her
but her fiance is dying
so I don't hate her too much

Blackjack table
Gretchen pretends she doesn't know how to play
Or count to 21
Vicki believes her
Joke's on you, Woo Hoo


Dinner for all
Gretchen says her favorite drink is
"bluecheesestuffedolivegreygoosedirtymartini"
Vicki seethes
Vicki accuses
"that's MY signature drink"
Gretchen is a copycat
Tamra agrees
so mothereffing stupid

Ladies hit the dance floor
Undulating cougars
Lynne's dress is up to her waist
Undulating cougars
Vicki flirting
Disrespecting Donn
Undulating cougars
Jeana shooting men down
Gretchen begging for attention
Tamra talking shit

Surprise
there is no truce
just undulating cougars
(and Gretchen)

20 comments:

Habitually Chic said...

You crack me up! "Joke's on you, Woo Hoo" was my favorite line! Great job!

Scandalous Housewife said...

I feel like I have my culture for the day, so I can watch Rock of Love: Tour Bus with no regrets. Ha, bleck!
But seriously, Tamra and Vicky get their g-strings in a wad anytime the attention sways from them and then they get all holier-than-thou. They're all hootchie mamas, roll with it!

Richie Designs said...

awesome.

did you see that our lovely miss zoe went and TM'd her phrases? as in "Bananas" and "I die" are now officially licensed phrases.

she sent the dogs after the artist that made the "bananas" tshirt.

think I saw it on Perez

SGM said...

NO! That sucks. I am very disappointed.

Brilliant Asylum said...

Hysterical.

Lucinda said...

Poetry is so underrated.

Lynne's mom is the breakout star of this cesspool called Coto. Can we give her a reality show all her own?

hello gorgeous said...

That was lovely.

Note to Vicky: I just had a dirtymartiniwithbluecheesestuffedolives whatareyougonnadoaboutit,bitch?

katiedid said...

HA! I had to stop and catch my breath after laughing til I cried. OK.....I have to read this again now.

Brittany said...

Undulating Cougars. Except Gretchen.

I love it! :)

I want a bananas tshirt! No matter what copyrights I infringe upon...lol.

Barb said...

BRILLIANT!!!!!!! as usual!! I look forward to your recaps more than the actual show!

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