Wednesday, February 11, 2009

"If you can get one more dancer off those poles, then you're doing the right thing."

Is there any doubt AT ALL as to what is about to come out of Vicki's mouth? (I'm totally rolling my eyes and shaking my head right now). Here's the deal: Vicki inadvertently lured a stripper to her expensive insurance seminar and as a result thinks she's humanitarian of the year. I wonder if that's why she's showing so much cleavage--it must be her way of showing support for strippers everywhere. Let's hear a big tired WOO HOO for Vicki. I'm sure she'll give herself some sort of fakey-fake award to recognize all of her inspirational work in this area.

Speaking of awards, look who finally has her shit together and is posting this RHOC recap in a somewhat timely manner? Trophies for everyone! Let's get to it:

1. Vicki has started a business called L.I.F.E. (Living Inspired and Fully Engaged) with Vicki. Oh my God, the IRONY. Why would anyone be attracted to the concept of Life with Vicki? In fact, I think most people (including Vicki's husband and children) are desperately trying to escape Life with Vicki. And the "fully engaged part"? Ha! The only time I've ever seen Vicki fully engaged is when she is conniving to sell the family vacation home in Havasu in order to buy herself that yacht.

So anyhow, Vicki is conducting a L.I.F.E. with Vicki seminar on a cruise ship, the purpose of which is to train people to become angry, narcissistic, pseudo workaholics successful insurance salespeople.

"...And then I told Gretchen to put the pen in Jeff's bony hand and make that fucker sign the life policy!"

Donn is there, as well as Vicki's son Michael and Michael's friend Rees. Vicki has paid for Michael and Rees to go on the cruise, laboring under the illusion that they are actually interested in the insurance business. If Vicki is so "fully engaged," how is it that we know Michael hates insurance and she doesn't?

Vicki needs more attention, so she climbs a rock wall on the ship and SURPRISE, makes a big dramatic production out of it. She actually gives instructions to the rock wall worker, saying "I don't want to get hurt, I want everything to be calm." Then she proceeds to SHRIEK all the way up, as if someone is poking her in the ass with an electric cattle prod the entire time.


Good God. Listen, I have recently climbed a rock wall. It is scary. But there is no need to scream on the way up. Personally, I find that whispering "fuckfuckfuck" to the wall is a much more dignified way to handle fear.

2. Jeana's helping Kara moving back to Berkeley. Yawn.

3. Jeff's back in the hospital and Gretch takes a trip to Dallas to visit college girlfriends. The friends talk about how CRAZY Gretchen was in college--she actually put lemon juice in her hair!

So wild.

4. Tamra and her kids go to Iowa to visit her dad. The story is that after dad divorced Tamra's mom, he married the mom's best friend. Then they divorced and now he's living with another lady. This is all just background for A Very Revealing and Tender Reconciliation later in the show.

5. Frankie, Jeana's interior designer friend, is driving up to Berkley with Jeana and Kara to help with the move. Jeana and Kara are fighting SO MUCH over Kara's speedy driving--I'm surprised Frankie didn't take his chances and jump out of the car. Btw, do you remember how Jeana and Frankie became friends? He was a fan of the show and emailed her. Sigh. If only it were that easy with Jeff Lewis.

6. Lynne and husband Frank go away to San Diego for the weekend. In a discussion about their out-of-control teenagers, Lynne tells Frank that Raquel ran into the neighbor's Winnebago or something--did anyone catch this? Lynne was being strangely vague/mumbly about it (or maybe she had just smoked too much of the ganja). Then they talk about how Lynne found cigarettes in Alexa's purse. "I don't think they were hers," Lynne says, "I think she was just holding them for someone else." Frank agrees, so yes, they are both complete idiots (or stoners).

Lynne wonders what the girls are doing--cut to Lynne's house where we see Raquel playing poker. I was all "ooooh, Raquel's gonna drink and wreck some shit! I can't wait!" But then the camera pans out and ...

GRANDMA'S THERE! She won't let them drink, but she will let them do something that Lynne forbids: make brownies. No kidding--the girls said that they normally can't do this at their house because Lynne says it's too fattening. You know what else Lynne won't allow in the house because it's too fattening? FOOD.

Back to Skinnypants and Frank, who are engaging in some sort of foreplay that we really don't need to see.

Frank says he wants Lynne to give him a pole dance (barf), and Lynne says "did you bring a pole?" What's up with all of the stripper pole talk in this episode? Was Bravo offering a year of free indoor tanning to any cast member who managed to work it into a conversation?

7. Kara and Jeana are in Berkeley, and I'm dying to see the apartment because they're describing it as having an upstairs and a downstairs (both of which are Kara's) and a doorman, but it is never shown. Disappointing.

8. Tamra, her kids, her dad and some extended family meet at a hibachi grill (YES, in Iowa). This is where it kind of gets good. Ryan is talking, nay, flirting with Tamra's cousin who is probably late 40s and, truth be told, a little rough and slutty looking. The sexiness of their conversation is so overt that Tamra at one point has to yell down the table "RYAN, she's RELATED to you." Yikes.

Anyhoo, it gets better. The cousin offers to show Ryan her "mouse tattoo." She pulls down the side of her pants, below hip area (AT THE TABLE) and Ryan says he can't see anything, just underwear. "Damn," says the cousin, "pussy must've ate it." OMG. I can't decide whether that's hilarious or appalling.

9. Now we see a meeting room on the cruise ship with about 75% of the chairs empty. It's one of Vicki's riveting seminars and she's asking all seven of the attendees to tell their life stories. One woman says that when she got pregnant in college, she made the (obvious) decision to move to Vegas and strip. Vicki nods understandingly. The woman goes on to say that "when you're 40, 50, 60--you can't be on the pole anymore." Thus, she has come to L.I.F.E. with Vicki to help with her transition off the pole. Vicki fiercely applauds her and says that blah blah blah to the camera about saving dancers.

10. Gretchen meets up with her friends again; this time the friends bring babies who are so gd cute I am cooing at the tv.

11. Back to the godforsaken cruise ship and the mostly empty meeting room. Vicki is ready to flip her lid because Michael has not attended any of her sessions. She has her assistant track him down, and when he finally shows up, he's all annoyed and Vicki starts manipulating like crazy, "I'm just frustrated that my family is not here to support my business." Michael's all, "there's no way in HELL I'm going in there" (not a direct quote, but exactly what he meant). Vicki has this scary smile on her face that makes me think she's about to pull out a butcher knife, but Michael does not give in. Brave. She returns to the room to lead a chorus of feeble "woo hoos."


12. Tamra and her dad whip out some lawn chairs in the middle of nowhere and have a heart to heart.


Just as we suspected, Tamra's mom was a major downer and that's why the dad left. His new wife wanted him to stay away from Tamra and her siblings, so he did. Tamra tells the camera that he is a weak man. Agreed. Overall, it was a very soul-baring, emotional conversation and I have no idea why or how they did it in front of a camera.

Don't tip over!



13. Preview for Real Housewives of NYC and my heart was pounding! Oooooh, there are going to be some majorly AWKWARD moments and I cannot wait. Also, remember when we had the discussion about Bethenny's boobs and whether or not they are real? I think we have our answer:

How did we not notice this before? Has she lost weight?

14. Jeana has a date. Colton is actually somewhat sweet and helps her pick out a dress as well as tend to her emotionally. A limo pulls up, and just as Jeana is about to answer the door, "TO BE CONTINUED..." Really? Is this supposed to be some sort of cliffhanger? Because it's not. I don't even have mild curiousity about what Jeana's date looks like. I'm just ready to wrap this bitch up and move on to NYC.


The OC season finale (with another appearance from the dreadful Jo) is next week--and so is the premiere of the second season of RHNYC. It's almost too much for my little brain to handle.

What do you think?

41 comments:

Illustrious Lindsay said...

In reference to your "just email and become a friend" comment, it does not seem to bode well for Vicki's former assistant who was tortured with a full bleaching and brazilian wax. It appears a younger, brunette replaced the former in this episode. I also echo the "yawn" sentiment of this episode. Boo.

Jennifer said...

Illustrious Lindsay, I read that Vicki's assistant last year (that got the makeover) was an actress and it was all a set up.

"12. Tamra and her dad whip out some lawn chairs in the middle of nowhere and have a heart to heart."

LOL! I thought that was so weird too! It didn't look like they were facing a lake or on a beach...just on the side of the road somewhere.

Michelle said...

Oh SGM! WTF was w/freaking Lynn? I was practically screaming "SPIT OUT! JUST SAY IT!!"

And I too thought the same about Bethany's boobs! So fake.

N. said...

Agh! I KNEW this would be the title of your post! As soon as it came out of her mouth, I thought to myself "self, that has to be the title for SCH's recap!" :) hilarious!

I always feel dirty after watching this show.
Ryan and his 3rd cousin... cringe.
I literally have never had such homicidal thoughts towards anyone, like I do Vicki. She makes me want to slit my wrists.

wikiplugs said...

Hello Blogger's ,

Ever thought how nice it would have been if you could show some random posts from your blog,somewhere inside your blog ?
Something which crawls more posts/stories than normal RSS limit ?
Visit http://www.wikiplugs.com/labs/index.html to grab your free copy today.

Thanks

♥ Chloe said...

I love your recaps almost more than I love watching the show. In fact, I hadn't even watched the past two weeks- I just read your re-caps and felt pretty much like I hadn't missed a thing.

I did watch this week's episode, though. That Vicki comment about getting strippers off of poles had me laughing my ass off. She is so full of herself, it's unreal. The Tamra reconciliation with her dad was nice though. I had a hard time making fun of that one. I think that whole situation explains why Tamra wears the bitchy britches so much- she's mean to others and rejects them before they can reject her. Kind of like how she felt her father rejected her. *lightbulb goes off over chloe's head and bursts*

Courtney said...

I will bet $5 (or one of Vicki's tacky dresses) that Jeana's date is Kenny Rogers. You know...b/c they used to hang out. Back when she was a playmate and a Nagel girl and goodness knows what else....

Courtney said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Regardez Moi said...

i have to say, i actually kind of enjoyed Lynne and her husbands dirty pole talk. it was the first time i saw her get something. she laughed! she got it! she still looked like a deer in headlights but... i thought it was funny.

hello gorgeous said...

Appalling. It's "Pussy must've EATEN it."

:-)

I hate this show.

mamacita said...

Holy shizz, Bethenny. And to think I defended your tits! Girl, eat something.

long on style said...

Jeana and Kara's comments about the "bummers" sounded so damn ignorant. That bothered me, it really did.

Petunia Face said...

I have come to the conclusion that individually the RHOC suck--no more story lines of driving to Berkeley unless ALL of the housewives are in the car driving past the stench of cow shit.
And/or Rapist-Eyed Ryan is in the car. Can you imagine how he would freak out Jeana's prissy little daughter?! Now THAT would be awesome. Because something tells me she doesn't have a mouse tattoo OR a pussy.

faithsalutes said...

Bring back the beeotches of NYC. I am over it. B's breasts are so not real that I almost like her more for succumbing to the peer pressure which she pretends to be so "above".

Colton has been redeemed.

Lucinda said...

As I watched this episode, what I really saw was:
1. Lynne's mom is the breakout star we've all been waiting for.
2. Tamra's cousin totally cougar banged Ryan when the camera's weren't around.
3. As Jeana and Kara are driving and fighting, in the backseat Frankie turns into the gay bear that he is and pulls out a giant picnic basket and goes to town.

See you bitches on the next Life with Vicki Cruise, I'm so there.

Richie Designs said...

brilliant recap once again.

-----
have you seen Rupaul's Drag Race? That might need to be on your recap schedule.

Chelly said...

I'm ready for NYC as well. OC is boring me and I was appalled by Tamra's cousins remark to Ryan. WTF?? Even Tamra's dad had this look on his face like "damn I should have cast the other cousins for this bit".

i really, really, really hope that Lynne and her husband are not that dumb and clueless about their kids. But then again some things you just can't make up.

Brilliant Asylum said...

Your post was way more exciting than this lame episode.

I just read on the Bravo blogs that Kara's apartment is the penthouse which I was kind of jealous about--until I remembered it was full of Frankie's oversized faux-Tuscan decor.

Oh--and Tamra's maiden name was Waddle. It's like she was destined to become pregnant in highschool.

Laura said...

Well yes, it was a bit boring but that line of Vicki's that starts your post made it all worth while. I cannot believe Jeana and Frankie are friends because he's a fan!!! No wonder Vicki was so pissed about the rent he owed her.

beachbungalow8 said...

that scene at the hibachi grill, with the homeless, crack whore cousin? was PRICELESS.

Did they pull her off of her bar stool perch, in some dark smoky bar where she had been living the dream since 7 o'clock that morning?
shudder

Lucinda said...

beachbungalow8 -

Tamra's cousin just needs to be enrolled on the LIFE with Vicki cruise, it will change her entire life.

Paloma {La Dolce Vita} said...

Petunia, you are on to something! Ryan and Kara, now that would be something to see!

I am so over these women. I don't even enjoy the show anymore. However, I am pumped for NYC! It looks like it will be an awesome season.

I was cracking up at Frankie's "d├ęcor"! He had one of those fake medieval suits of armor! LOL!

Anonymous said...

I think Jeanna's date was her 1st husband...we know he has a gf, but I bet it's over, and the new thing will be him "back in her life"

Or Tom Sellek..because you know Jeanna likes a moustache ;)

humble happenings said...

hahaha PF: "rapist-eyed ryan" !!! hilllarious

Elizabeth Marie said...

I just stumbled onto heaven!! omg!

I hate/love this show...

That Ryan/Cousin thing is nasssty.

Brittany said...

I am desperate for my NYC girls...they never disappoint.

Design Junkie said...

I'm thinking it's more likely that crabs must have eaten the mouse tattoo.

SGM said...

ooooooooooooooooooooooh! Good one, design junkie!

Yes, Jeana's date must be someone we know. I hope it's Magnum PI. (I think I remember her saying she dated him in the 80s?)

Vicki's old assistant was a hired actress?! I'm going to pretend I didn't see that.

sisters in black frocks said...

ha! i just found your blog...and i'm hooked. i'm obsessed with all the bravo reality shows, but most especially the housewives. i am mortified to share a state with them.. these are some atrocious ladies.....but i love em.

robyn said...

great blogging! I'm hooked!

amber {daisy chain} said...

what I wanted to see was where (and why) Kara took 2 floor standing statues and a glass cloche filled with wooden balls (did you see her carrying these in every scene??) to decorate her apartment. What 19 year old Berkeley student does that?

Anonymous said...

firewall gold -
fitness model program -
fit over 40 -
fit yummy yummy -
flattenyourabs -
flatten your abs -
forex candlesticks made easy -
forex killer -
forex megadroid -
get rid of your cellulite -
g money pro -
google shadow -
governmentregistry -
government registry -
gov resources -
health biz in a box -
homemadeenergy -
home made energy -
hybrid water power -
i software tv -
joyful tomato -
keyword spy pro -
kingdom of pets -
macro virus -
malware bot -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
meet your sweet -
microcap millionaires -
moles warts removal -
mole wart removal -
muscle gaining secrets -
natural cure for yeast infection -
paid surveys etc -

Anonymous said...

panic away -
pdf creator -
public records pro -
quick article pro -
quick income blueprint -
quit smoking today -
ranking loophole -
reg clean -
reg defense -
regi cleanse -
registry easy -
registry genius -
registry winner -
reg sweep -
reg tool -
reverse mobile -
richard mackenzie direct -
rig worker -
rocket chinese -
rocket french -
rocket german -
rotator cuff training -
rss feeds submit -
save the marriage -
site builder elite -
six figure yearly 2009 -
sleep tracks -
sold in 21 days -
spyware stop -
stop being tired -
stop your hair loss -
the bad breath report -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -

Anonymous said...

tonsil stones remedies -
top secret magic code -
truth about abs -
turbulence training -
turn your photos into cash -
vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -
warp speed fat loss -
wedding speech 4u -
win clear -
xbox 360 red light fix -
xp repair pro -
1st promotion -
3 redlight fix -
500 love making tips -
acid alkaline diet -
advanced defrag -
anti spyware -
anti spyware bot -
art of approaching -
banish rosacea -
blog lock down -
brad yates -
building a chicken coop -
burnthefat -
burn the fat -
carb rotation diet -
combat the fat -
conversationalhypnosis -
conversational hypnosis -
copy n profit -
credit secrets bible -
cure angular cheilitis -
cure morning sickness -

Anonymous said...

dirty talking guide -
domain tweak system -
dotcom income secrets -
duplicate file cleaner -
earth4energy -
earth 4 energy -
easy launcher -
easy system cleaner -
eatstopeat -
eat stop eat -
eczema free forever -
email finder -
energy 2 green -
error nuker -
evidence smart -
fat burning furnace -
fat loss 4 idiots -
final sync -
fitness model program -
fit yummy yummy -
flattenyourabs -
forex enterprise -
governmentregistry -
government registry -
home job stop -
homemadeenergy -
home made energy -
how do i get him back -
hyper vre -
keyword spy pro -
kingdom of pets -
mafia war secrets -
malware bot -
master cleanse secrets -

Anonymous said...

maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
maximum paid surveys -
meet your sweet -
mobile tv pro -
musclegainingsecrets -
muscle gaining secrets -
my dish biz -
one minute cure -
paid surveys online -
panic away -
pc tv 4 me -
pdf creator -
perfect optimizer -
pick the gender of your baby -
plr wholesaler -
private niche empire -
project quick cash -
public records pro -
pull your ex back -
quick article pro -
quit smoking today -
reality creation secrets -
reg clean -
regi cleanse -
registry easy -
registry fix -
registry winner -
reg sweep -
reg tool -
reverse mobile -
reverse phone detective -
richard mackenzie direct -
rich garbage man -

Anonymous said...

rocket chinese -
rocket french -
seize cars -
shop until you drop -
six figure yearly 2009 -
sleep tracks -
spyware nuker -
spyware stop -
sunshine 4u -
the bad breath report -
the cash1234 system -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -
the free car -
the lazy marketer -
tonsil stones remedies -
truth about abs -
truth about diets -
turbulence training -
vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -
violin master pro -
warp speed fat loss -
wedding speech 4u -
xp repair pro -
yeast infection no more -
2ip hosting -
10 minute forex wealth builder -
30 minute back links -
500 love making tips -
acid alkaline diet -
advanced defrag -
affiliate jackpot -
anti spyware -

Anonymous said...

art of approaching -
battery reconditioning -
blogging to the bank -
burnthefat -
burn the fat -
carb rotation diet -
carp evolution -
cb bonus domination -
combat the fat -
content website builder -
conversationalhypnosis -
conversational hypnosis -
cure angular cheilitis -
cure morning sickness -
dirty talking guide -
driver robot -
earth4energy -
earth 4 energy -
easy launcher -
easy system cleaner -
eatstopeat -
eat stop eat -
error smart -
evidence eraser -
evidence smart -
fatburningfurnace -
fat loss 4 idiots -
fitness model program -
fit yummy yummy -
flattenyourabs -
flatten your abs -
forex trading machine -
forex trading made ez -
get your exgirlfriend back -

Anonymous said...

google snatch -
governmentregistry -
government registry -
grow taller 4 idiots -
guy gets girl -
hcg recipes -
homemadeenergy -
home made energy -
how to break 80 -
hyper vre -
instant domain cash -
i software tv -
jamo rama acoustic -
linden method -
lose the back pain -
magni work -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
musclegainingsecrets -
muscle gaining secrets -
negative calorie diet -
one minute cure -
one week marketing -
only 4 gamers -
paid surveys online -
panic away -
pc on point -
pc tv 4 me -
perfect optimizer -
phone number scan -
pick the gender of your bady -
power 4 home -
profit lance -
public records pro -

Anonymous said...

quantum mind power -
quit smoking today -
recipe secrets -
reg clean -
regi cleanse -
registry easy -
registry winner -
reg sweep -
reverse mobile -
reverse phone detective -
revolutioniz -
richard markenzie direct -
sale hoo -
simple php -
smtp 2 go -
spyware nuker -
surveys 4 checks -
tax liens made easy -
the bad breath report -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -
the handcrafters companion -
the retired millionaire -
the super mind evolution system -
truth about abs -
truth about diets -
turbulence training -
ultimate content creator -
video piggy -
vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -
viral tweets -
warp speed fat loss -
webstigate -

Anonymous said...

[color=#c94093]Awesome post! thank you for sharing this information. scentedglossymagazines.blogspot.com really got under my
[/color] [url=http://nuscin-online.info]skin,[/url] [color=#c94093]bookmarked... Keep up the good site...[/color]