"If you can get one more dancer off those poles, then you're doing the right thing."

Is there any doubt AT ALL as to what is about to come out of Vicki's mouth? (I'm totally rolling my eyes and shaking my head right now). Here's the deal: Vicki inadvertently lured a stripper to her expensive insurance seminar and as a result thinks she's humanitarian of the year. I wonder if that's why she's showing so much cleavage--it must be her way of showing support for strippers everywhere. Let's hear a big tired WOO HOO for Vicki. I'm sure she'll give herself some sort of fakey-fake award to recognize all of her inspirational work in this area.

Speaking of awards, look who finally has her shit together and is posting this RHOC recap in a somewhat timely manner? Trophies for everyone! Let's get to it:

1. Vicki has started a business called L.I.F.E. (Living Inspired and Fully Engaged) with Vicki. Oh my God, the IRONY. Why would anyone be attracted to the concept of Life with Vicki? In fact, I think most people (including Vicki's husband and children) are desperately trying to escape Life with Vicki. And the "fully engaged part"? Ha! The only time I've ever seen Vicki fully engaged is when she is conniving to sell the family vacation home in Havasu in order to buy herself that yacht.

So anyhow, Vicki is conducting a L.I.F.E. with Vicki seminar on a cruise ship, the purpose of which is to train people to become angry, narcissistic, pseudo workaholics successful insurance salespeople.

"...And then I told Gretchen to put the pen in Jeff's bony hand and make that fucker sign the life policy!"

Donn is there, as well as Vicki's son Michael and Michael's friend Rees. Vicki has paid for Michael and Rees to go on the cruise, laboring under the illusion that they are actually interested in the insurance business. If Vicki is so "fully engaged," how is it that we know Michael hates insurance and she doesn't?

Vicki needs more attention, so she climbs a rock wall on the ship and SURPRISE, makes a big dramatic production out of it. She actually gives instructions to the rock wall worker, saying "I don't want to get hurt, I want everything to be calm." Then she proceeds to SHRIEK all the way up, as if someone is poking her in the ass with an electric cattle prod the entire time.


Good God. Listen, I have recently climbed a rock wall. It is scary. But there is no need to scream on the way up. Personally, I find that whispering "fuckfuckfuck" to the wall is a much more dignified way to handle fear.

2. Jeana's helping Kara moving back to Berkeley. Yawn.

3. Jeff's back in the hospital and Gretch takes a trip to Dallas to visit college girlfriends. The friends talk about how CRAZY Gretchen was in college--she actually put lemon juice in her hair!

So wild.

4. Tamra and her kids go to Iowa to visit her dad. The story is that after dad divorced Tamra's mom, he married the mom's best friend. Then they divorced and now he's living with another lady. This is all just background for A Very Revealing and Tender Reconciliation later in the show.

5. Frankie, Jeana's interior designer friend, is driving up to Berkley with Jeana and Kara to help with the move. Jeana and Kara are fighting SO MUCH over Kara's speedy driving--I'm surprised Frankie didn't take his chances and jump out of the car. Btw, do you remember how Jeana and Frankie became friends? He was a fan of the show and emailed her. Sigh. If only it were that easy with Jeff Lewis.

6. Lynne and husband Frank go away to San Diego for the weekend. In a discussion about their out-of-control teenagers, Lynne tells Frank that Raquel ran into the neighbor's Winnebago or something--did anyone catch this? Lynne was being strangely vague/mumbly about it (or maybe she had just smoked too much of the ganja). Then they talk about how Lynne found cigarettes in Alexa's purse. "I don't think they were hers," Lynne says, "I think she was just holding them for someone else." Frank agrees, so yes, they are both complete idiots (or stoners).

Lynne wonders what the girls are doing--cut to Lynne's house where we see Raquel playing poker. I was all "ooooh, Raquel's gonna drink and wreck some shit! I can't wait!" But then the camera pans out and ...

GRANDMA'S THERE! She won't let them drink, but she will let them do something that Lynne forbids: make brownies. No kidding--the girls said that they normally can't do this at their house because Lynne says it's too fattening. You know what else Lynne won't allow in the house because it's too fattening? FOOD.

Back to Skinnypants and Frank, who are engaging in some sort of foreplay that we really don't need to see.

Frank says he wants Lynne to give him a pole dance (barf), and Lynne says "did you bring a pole?" What's up with all of the stripper pole talk in this episode? Was Bravo offering a year of free indoor tanning to any cast member who managed to work it into a conversation?

7. Kara and Jeana are in Berkeley, and I'm dying to see the apartment because they're describing it as having an upstairs and a downstairs (both of which are Kara's) and a doorman, but it is never shown. Disappointing.

8. Tamra, her kids, her dad and some extended family meet at a hibachi grill (YES, in Iowa). This is where it kind of gets good. Ryan is talking, nay, flirting with Tamra's cousin who is probably late 40s and, truth be told, a little rough and slutty looking. The sexiness of their conversation is so overt that Tamra at one point has to yell down the table "RYAN, she's RELATED to you." Yikes.

Anyhoo, it gets better. The cousin offers to show Ryan her "mouse tattoo." She pulls down the side of her pants, below hip area (AT THE TABLE) and Ryan says he can't see anything, just underwear. "Damn," says the cousin, "pussy must've ate it." OMG. I can't decide whether that's hilarious or appalling.

9. Now we see a meeting room on the cruise ship with about 75% of the chairs empty. It's one of Vicki's riveting seminars and she's asking all seven of the attendees to tell their life stories. One woman says that when she got pregnant in college, she made the (obvious) decision to move to Vegas and strip. Vicki nods understandingly. The woman goes on to say that "when you're 40, 50, 60--you can't be on the pole anymore." Thus, she has come to L.I.F.E. with Vicki to help with her transition off the pole. Vicki fiercely applauds her and says that blah blah blah to the camera about saving dancers.

10. Gretchen meets up with her friends again; this time the friends bring babies who are so gd cute I am cooing at the tv.

11. Back to the godforsaken cruise ship and the mostly empty meeting room. Vicki is ready to flip her lid because Michael has not attended any of her sessions. She has her assistant track him down, and when he finally shows up, he's all annoyed and Vicki starts manipulating like crazy, "I'm just frustrated that my family is not here to support my business." Michael's all, "there's no way in HELL I'm going in there" (not a direct quote, but exactly what he meant). Vicki has this scary smile on her face that makes me think she's about to pull out a butcher knife, but Michael does not give in. Brave. She returns to the room to lead a chorus of feeble "woo hoos."


12. Tamra and her dad whip out some lawn chairs in the middle of nowhere and have a heart to heart.


Just as we suspected, Tamra's mom was a major downer and that's why the dad left. His new wife wanted him to stay away from Tamra and her siblings, so he did. Tamra tells the camera that he is a weak man. Agreed. Overall, it was a very soul-baring, emotional conversation and I have no idea why or how they did it in front of a camera.

Don't tip over!



13. Preview for Real Housewives of NYC and my heart was pounding! Oooooh, there are going to be some majorly AWKWARD moments and I cannot wait. Also, remember when we had the discussion about Bethenny's boobs and whether or not they are real? I think we have our answer:

How did we not notice this before? Has she lost weight?

14. Jeana has a date. Colton is actually somewhat sweet and helps her pick out a dress as well as tend to her emotionally. A limo pulls up, and just as Jeana is about to answer the door, "TO BE CONTINUED..." Really? Is this supposed to be some sort of cliffhanger? Because it's not. I don't even have mild curiousity about what Jeana's date looks like. I'm just ready to wrap this bitch up and move on to NYC.


The OC season finale (with another appearance from the dreadful Jo) is next week--and so is the premiere of the second season of RHNYC. It's almost too much for my little brain to handle.

What do you think?