Tuesday, December 30, 2008
At first I thought she was just perpetually drunk because she has really bad judgment and unusually slow reactions to everything. But that doesn't explain the big muscles, leathery skin and complete lack of social skills. Then it hit me--the woman is clearly from the Paleolithic era. The split ends? It's because she cuts her hair with a sharp rock. Why do she and her daughters dress in clothes that barely cover their ladyparts? Because she wants them all to look fertile. (how I wish I had a picture of 15 year old Alexa in her skimpy dress. Even her boyfriend told her she looked like a stripper.) Did you see that part tonight when Lynne wouldn't reveal her age even though Gretchen asked her 27 different ways? It's because she's a time-traveler. BUSTED, Lynne!
If watching a real life Neanderthal is not enough enticement for you, then how about this: why did Tamra's son Ryan tattoo "nugget" on the inside of his lip?
Oooooooooh, you want to know, don't you? I'm not telling. You must watch.
What else? Ah, yes! Look what the cat dragged in off the greasy, desperate, fame-whorey street:
JO! AUGH!!!!!! My hatred of Jo knows no bounds! She's allegedly shooting a music video in this episode. Give it up, Jo. Begone with you. Everyone, ignore Jo and watch Tamra be totally mean to Gretchen and refuse to apologize.
Listen, I know that tomorrow is New Year's Eve and we all have shit to do, but get your priorities straight! This show is GOLD.
Also, I would love to talk about The City. As commenter Decs pointed out in the last post, Jay is part Australian, part retard. Run, Whitney, run! What about the conniving Olivia? Talk to me.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
(for those of you viewing this through a reader, click on through and be prepared to lose brain cells.)
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Greetings, Friends and Family!
I hope this letter finds you well. John and I have had kind of a tumultuous year, but we are together FOREVER now and wanted to wish all of you the happiest of holidays. We are truly blessed to have each other and to be so blissfully in love. Here are some photos to prove it!
Isn't he adorable when he doesn't smile? I know he looks fucking miserable, but really he just has this dry sense of humor. As he explained it to me, that means he doesn't smile when he tells jokes, or when he's in my presence.
Speaking of sense of humor, look at this one!
He's just told me that he hasn't slept in days and thinks we could use some "time apart." Isn't he hysterical? I can't stop laughing! Everyone should be so lucky to have a boyfriend with such a dazzling wit.
Now for the big news: I am trying to impregnate myself with his baby through sheer force of will.
That's right--no sex (he says he needs to save his energy for his fans, whatever that means!). If only I could get him to make a little eye contact with me, I think I could do it. 'Tis the season for immaculate conceptions, you know!
Wishing you peace, joy and reciprocated love this holiday season,
Jen (and John!)
Why am I so hard on Jen? This should explain everything.
Monday, December 15, 2008
I watched the last episode of Real Housewives of Orange County with Frank. This means that there was WAY TO MUCH jibber-jabbering (e.g. "what the hell? Does she think that looks good? She looks about 92. Did she just say pizza? THAT is $8000?"), and when I tried to hush him, it got even worse ("What? Do you really think she cares about the Indy 500? Do you? Do you?"). It took me approx. five days to watch this episode in its entirety.
Then. You know how I like to pepper (that's right, "pepper") my recaps with relevant photos from Bravo's website? The photos this week were limited to yawn-inducing shots of Vicki and Tamra's Napa trip, all taken from a scene that lasted 3 minutes:
See what I mean? A picture of mofo GRAPES. NOTHING on Jeana, Gretchen or Lauri. How am I supposed to work with this?
This is me, in my tv watching/blog writing outfit, trying my best to FOCUS.
The "JC" on my robe stands for "Just Chillin'" (or "Jesus Christ!" when I'm angry). Anyhow, if the following recap seems lackluster, you have my humblest apologies. Conditions were not ideal.
II. Half-assed Recap
1. Tamra and Simon are going to Napa for their 10th anniversary. They invite Vicki and Donn* along. When I heard this, I was all "BRILLIANT! I would love to go on a romantic trip with a bottomless pit of need who constantly emasculates her husband in public." Smart thinking, Tamra and Simon.
While Vicki is packing for the trip, she is wearing a white tube top with her tan lines showing. Vicki, my darling, I'm going to give it to you straight: you are about 20 years past tube top age. It's time to let go.
I also thought it was so ironic that Vicki said she wasn't packing any "fucking negligee shit...I've had my babies, why do I need to have sex?". Vicki, you walk around in what most people would consider "negligees" (so 1970s) most of your waking hours. Exhibit A (from last season):
See? My Mormon neighbor wouldn't even wear that outfit in her bedroom with the door locked and the lights off.
2. Jeana is continuing to "move on" after her divorce from her husband who still lives with her. She's redecorating her bedroom and gets some $8000 bed linens. For those of you who didn't see it, it kind of looks like one of those fake-bed displays that you see at JC Penny--a satiny copper bedspread and lots of fringed throw pillows. Sorry, Jeana, nothing personal, but I think you were bamboozled.
3. Kara, Jeana's daughter, did not enjoy her freshman year at Berkeley. Let me tell you about Kara: she's an 18 year old Republican who flew to LA every weekend to see her boyfriend. I can't imagine why she doesn't fit in at Berkeley (this is where I give you guys the big eye roll).
4. Gretchen and Jeff are at the Indy 500. Jeff was some sort of bigwig in the automotive industry, so he gets all this VIP treatment. All you need to know about this storyline is that it's straight out of The Girls Next Door (which Gretchen should totally try out for, btw). Lots of giggling, bouncing and inane chatter while an infirm rich dude stands nearby. Seriously, Jeff looked so sickly. Did you hear him say that he was 53? Wish I had a photo of him (AHEM, BRAVO). Poor guy.
5. Vicki and Donn bicker all the way to Napa in front Tamra and Simon. AWKWARD. And also ANNOYING. Vicki and Tamra look ravishing as they tour vineyards in skimpy sundresses and heels that must have sunk into all of the animal doo-doo. Looking good, ladies!
Then Vicki hears a rooster crowing and tries to teach it how to do a really eardrum-shattering "WOO HOO!"
For me, it was the highlight of the show.
Then Tamra does this fakey sexy lingerie show for Simon and presents him with handcuffs, etc. Why did I think it was fakey? Oh, only because a minimum of 3 camera crew people and a producer had to be in the tiny hotel room with them. Nice try, Bravo.
After an alleged toss in the hay, Tamra and Simon meet up with Palestine and Israel--oops, I mean Vicki and Donn, for dinner. Vicki proceeds to literally beg for attention from Donn, who's all "wtf? Would you please lay off?" She tells the camera that Donn used to fill up her "love tank" but doesn't any more. At this point, Frank said "maybe it's because your 'love tank' is too big." And by love tank, he meant vagina. Tee hee! Tamra kind of forces Vicki and Donn to kiss and I pray to the heavens that this scene be over soon.
I must admit, I have a tiny crush on Donn. He has a easy smile and his mannerisms are kind of Johnny Carson-esque. Quite charming.
If I were single and in my late 40s, I might let him fill up my love tank. Can I get an "amen"? Anyone?
6. Enough about Napa! Let's talk Lauri and her family. First we see MacKenzie (Lauri's step-daughter) and Ashley (Lauri's daughter) getting stringy extensions at $599 a pop. By the end of this scene, I desperately wanted to punch MacKenzie. She's a snotty and awful.
Cut to Lauri. So far this season, all we've heard is how blissfully happy she is in her fledgling marriage. Now we learn that her heroin addict son has fallen of the wagon and is in jail on some big drug-related charges. Lauri, I've seen Intervention. I know you're "as happy as your unhappiest child" which is to say, not happy at all. She cries, and it is so sad. She talks about how she wishes she could go back to when he was 3 years old and raise him in the family that she and George now have together. Then there's a photo of her with her son when he was sweet and little.
At this point, I was a little teary and thinking some deep thoughts about addiction, and also "THAT'S Lauri? Are we sure that's Lauri? For real?"
She's the one leaving the show, to concentrate on her family. Good for you, Lauri. I will miss you and your indestructible face.
Tonight, we meet the new housewife Lynne.
She's a jewelry designer and has two "mean" (her words, not mine) teenaged girls, Grant and Raven.** Just by their names, I can tell that they are going to be...magnificent. Welcome, Lynne!
Anything I missed in this episode? Holla at your girl.
*What is with all of the men with the extra consonants? Gregg, Rodger, Donn. Next thing you know, it'll be "Simonn" and "Bigg Papa."
**Everything else I'm reading says their names are Raquel and Alexa. I SWEAR she says Grant and Raven on the video clip. Okay, I just watched it again and she says "rantin' and ravin'." Snort. I kind of like Grant and Raven. More dramatic.
Thank God for dlisted, who had the old photo of Lauri.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
From the LA Times (the bold and brackets are mine):
Ryan, how on EARTH did Jeff talk you into participating in this? You are not a shit-starter; I know you did not do this voluntarily. Did he blackmail you? Drug you? Threaten to have Ann Sacks blackball you? Talk to me, darling.
Los Angeles real estate reality television star Jeff Lewis, who is known for his cocksure, confrontational style, has made the neighbors of one of his projects very afraid, they said, and they want a restraining order to keep him at bay. Lewis is the star of "Flipping Out," a Bravo channel show that follows him as he buys, renovates and resells homes.
Terence Beesley and Ashley Jensen, who live next door to a house Lewis is improving on Valley Oak Drive in Los Feliz, said in a lawsuit filed Wednesday that the developer constructed a deck at the house that encroached on their property. When they became aware of the encroachment earlier this year, Lewis offered them $10,000 to buy an easement, but their real estate experts concluded the easement was worth $100,000, they said.
Lewis countered during an unexpected nighttime visit to their house with an offer of $30,000 and threatened to make their lives miserable by casting them in a negative light in front of 3 million television viewers, they said in their complaint. Named in the suit is Lewis' partner, Ryan Brown, who the neighbors described as Lewis' "supposedly relatively even-keeled" foil, and Lewis' company, Vicious Investments [!!!]. It accuses the pair of trespassing, property damage and assault, and demands that the encroaching deck be removed. No financial damages were specified.
According to Beesley and Jensen, Lewis' actions at their home are in keeping with his TV persona. Their suit says the show "involves documenting the rude, outrageous, boorish, offensive, mean-spirited bullying by Jeff Lewis of anyone or anything in his way."
Jeff, I will agree to testify on your behalf in exchange for one of those "unexpected nighttime visits." Let me know. Also--if I may offer a little legal advice--I think your attorney should respond with this photo:
And write something like "HELP, HELP!!! It's the cute gay cuddling the widdle kittycat! He's so dangerous! Save us!" Trust me, the case will be dismissed before you can say "I'd like a grande, non-fat, no foam latte at 140 degrees for Jeff."
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
1. I feel that I owe you an explanation for not covering the past two episodes of Real Housewives of Orange County. Quite honestly, I have really been trying to re-dedicate myself to watching tv as God intended, which means eating ice cream and drinking in every word without taking notes that say things like "Tamra--boobies everywhere--wtf?" That being said, I fully intend to cover tonight's episode because we not only have Josh's heroin addiction, but ALSO a cast member leaving the show. !!! If that's not a recipe for heart-stopping drama, then I don't know what is.
I was going to suggest that we all take a guess as to who the QUITTER is, but spoilers abound. Check it out here if you don't want to be surprised.
If you didn't watch the first two episodes, don't sweat it. It's business as usual on that show, which is to say plastic surgery, backstabbery and gold diggery.
2. Many of you have emailed me about NeNe's housing problems. I had thought it was kind of old news because it was out in the open (at least to people who get NeNe google alerts)(doesn't everyone?) that the house on the show was rented and that she actually lives in a condo now. Anyhow, my very favorite a part of all of this is NeNe's response to the press, "it's none of your business!" which I imagine was said emphatically, complete with bug-eyes and a finger wagging. Love her, evicted or not.
3. Another classic NeNe quote: "He is a fox, and I am his girlfriend." I wonder if Dwight feels threatened? For those of you who would also like to be Anderson Cooper's girlfriend, I suggest you get a penis and also read this article on How to Hunt Anderson Cooper. Funny.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Richele tipped us off, and I'd like to confirm that Rachel Zoe is indeed coming back for a second season of The Rachel Zoe Project. Thank God!
Before we throw on our dangly bracelets and fur, let's discuss Rachel's alleged reconciliation with Nicole Richie. How on earth do you shoot the breeze for twenty minutes with the bitch who called you Raisinface to the world? Either Rachel is a much bigger person than I (figuratively, of course) or else the whole thing reeks of fake-assery. We need NeNe and Anderson Cooper to do an in-depth special report on all of this.
Okay, now let us throw on our dangly bracelets and fur, and don't forget to DIE.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
It has recently come to my attention that I do not work for you. It's true. I do not receive a Bravo paycheck, I do not have a Bravo 401(k), and in the mornings, Andy Cohen does not walk into my office and say things like "Dude. If Sharon (our bitchy secretary) keeps making personal calls while I'm standing right there, we are totally sending her to work for Sheree."
It's all very disappointing because working for you is my dream.
Bravo, I like what you're selling. I like selling what you're selling. I like talking about it, I like writing about it, I like creating embarrassing screen shots.
But I'm more than just a fan. I have ideas. For shows, and the website. Quite frankly, the website needs work. Trying to navigate the video clips, especially since you've added those mofo commercials, is like watching Don try to get through to crazypants Vicki. Incredibly frustrating. (fyi, I can do Bravo similes all day long)(and oh, the footage of passive-aggressive Vicki going completely bonkers apeshit on her adult son because he didn't want to go to Mexico with her? Breathtaking.)
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "why should we pay her when she's giving it away for free? We are a soulless corporation. We're going to steal any good ideas from her blog and crush her dreams." My response: I consider that to be RUDE and UNBECOMING of a major tv network, especially one that employs Mr. Tim Gunn (oops, not any more). Also, I am holding out on you. Big time. Like Kim, I do not give it all up without being PAID.
In conclusion, let me show you what I plan to wear, should you hire me:
It's for casual Fridays. All of the other days I'll just trade out the jeans for a little pencil skirt. Oh, and there will be platform pumps. Most definitely. If this wasn't a cover letter, I'd be all "what do you think about THAT, bitchez?"
I eagerly await a personal call from Andy Cohen offering me a job. Or do you know what would be even better? Have Jeff Lewis call me! That would be really awesome of you.
I'm going to go pick out some office furniture now (don't worry, nothing too expensive).
p.s. I would have never EVER let that stinker Date my Ex hit the airwaves. Would have been squashed the minute I heard the word "Jo." Just so you know.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
For those of you who watched the season premiere last week, what do you think about Tamra's boobs? She allegedly had them downsized but they are still freakishly tip-over HUGE. What about Jeana's Nagel pictures in her bedroom? Yikes. And her verbally abusive ex-husband-to-be still living in the house? Did you see Gretchen giving her teenaged stepson a boner? (this wasn't actually talked about, but we all know it happened when she hugged him while in her tiny bikini). I am very concerned about how Josh's heroin addiction will affect the new marriage of Lauri and George. Lauri just can't have a third divorce. It would destroy her!
So many layers to this show.
Episode 2 is on tonight. Watch it.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
*NOW UPDATED WITH GRATUITOUS PHOTO OF FILTHY HOT DAVE GROHL*
Let's dive right in, sexy bitches!
Everyone loves NeNe's new haircut (obv).
Sheree had some major I Dream of Beyonce hair extensions.
To my untrained eye, it actually looked like 2 very (very) separate pieces: bangs and pony. No bueno.
(btw, Sheree, the photo at the top? Don't think we didn't notice the pelvic thrust. WTF?)
While DeShawn looks pretty fantastic above, in reality she looked like she took out her hot rollers on the most humid day in Atlanta's history, empitied a can of Aquanet on herself, had some wild sex and then immediately showed up at the Bravo studios without checking a mirror.
It was big and messy, DeShawn. Just like Kim's coochie.
(omg, that had to have been the grossest thing I've ever said on this blog. I am so sorry. Couldn't be helped.)
Then, the moment we have been waiting for all season--host Andy Cohen reads to Kim the viewer question, "is it a wig?"
By now you've heard the whole cancer story (if not, watch it here), about how 3 years ago she was losing her hair and losing weight, and a doctor friend told her there was a "90% chance" she had cancer. Then Kim trails off tearfully, leading everyone to believe that she had cancer.
There is a bona fide discussion about Kim's "cancer." When Andy finally asks her point blank if she did have the big C, she goes through this whole story about how she was waiting at Chili's (!) for her test results and that she ended up not having cancer--her hair loss was related to another condition that she did "not want to discuss."
Now, I don't know about you, but my ears perked up at this. Why on earth would attention-hungry Kim decline an opportunity to talk about her tragique illness? I have an answer. Here.
Kim, I don't care whether you have/had a raging case of secondary stage syph. The whole point of everyone making fun of the wig was that if you can buy a $68k car on a whim, you can surely afford a wig that doesn't look like it was made from the clippings on the floor of the Bratz factory. As Dwight said to you during the show, "it could be so much more than it is." Amen, sister.
Topic: Is NeNe an ex-stripper?
NeNe played this beautifully. When Andy asked her this viewer question, she said "that's false, I'm still a stripper." She coyly adds that she strips every night, "around the silk plants" (love it) for Gregg.
She's totally an ex-stripper.
No one cares, NeNe.
Topic: Big Papa
Kim says that they are on-again off-again and that it was her decision to keep his identity a secret because he was married and some other blah blah blah. NeNe brings up the fact that even though she's just barely met Big Papa, Kim said in a previous episode that BP was talking shit about NeNe. NeNe proceeds to let loose a marvelous stream of trash talk and profanity that went something like this:
That's some shit you made up! Close your legs to married men. CLOSE YOUR LEGS TO MARRIED MEN. You made a comment that you'd like to beat my ass. I'd like to see that happen. I'd like to see that happen!
Kim screams something retarded like "watch, bitch! First week in January!" (when her record drops).
NeNe flies out of her chair.
Andy Cohen smiles and thinks "JACKPOT!" Lisa restrains NeNe and sits on her. NeNe screams "trashy hooker!" at Kim, but it sounds like "trashy hook-AH!"
Somewhere in a CNN van, Anderson Cooper was bouncing up and down in his chair and clapping his hands giddily.
Topic: Is DeShawn Stupid?
DeShawn is pretty much mute during this show, however she did mention that she was "pursuing a master's degree..."
and I was all "I have totally misjudged--" when she added "...online." So, yes. Our original assessment was probably correct.
Topic: Is Kim a pathological liar?
Lisa and Kim start fighting about how Kim found out about NeNe's song in the limo. This part was highly edited and it's hard to tell what was going on. In any case, Lisa pretty much goes apeshit and calls Kim a pathological liar (twice!) and screams that Kim needs to be on "freaking medication." (twice!)
I'm choosing to believe that Kim is a pathological liar because, well, DUH.
Topic: Lisa's delicious husband Ed
Andy reads a viewer question from Bruce in Minneapolis who asks Lisa if he can borrow Ed and his smoking hot bod sometime. Lisa says "ewwwww! No!"
Frank and I think that "Bruce in Minneapolis" is really "Andy at Bravo." Have no shame, buddy. We all want Ed.
Feast your eyes on this.
A red boucle jacket, long hair cascading down his back, calling himself a bigger diva than Sheree...this man is a STAR.
That's it! I didn't really touch on Sheree because it seems like everyone tacitly agreed that she's a big 'ol bitch. There's no use on calling her out on it because she embraces it. Look for She by Sheree in Fall '09.
Kim alludes to a season 2, but she's a pathological liar, so let's not get our hopes up. What did you think of the reunion?
(and bonus topic: did you see dirty sexy Dave Grohl on Top Chef tonight? Do you love him? Yes or no.)
I am reflecting, deeply, upon the magnificence of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. A recap will be up tonight.
So let me ask you something. What is my deal with Andy Cohen?
He's staring at me, right? In his endearing, slightly cross-eyed way? I desperately want to lay my head in his lap while he strokes my hair, yet I also want him to vanish off the face of the earth. What is wrong with me?
I haven't watch the Real Housewives of OC season premiere yet. Who did? Was it a sweet soothing balm of boobs and sun-damaged skin? Speak up!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
From the New York Post:
And this too:
[Kim] Zolciak, as it turns out, is no stranger to scandal. As a teenager in Windsor Locks, Conn., she had a high-profile affair with a police sergeant, John MacDougald.
According to the Hartford Courant, Zolciak was "16 or 17" when the romance began and allegedly a witness in a criminal investigation at the time...
Zolciak's new BFF, Sheree Whitfield, knows something about the police, too: In 1989, when she was 19, Ohio native Whitfield-then known as Sheree Fuller-was arrested, twice, for theft, according to Cuyahoga County court records.
Friday, November 21, 2008
It saddens me to tell you that I will not be doing a recap this week*. Instead, I will be doing a PSA for a very serious condition known as Real Housewives of Atlanta Poisoning (RHAP). RHAP is usually triggered by a combination of prolonged exposure to Real Housewives of Atlanta and Kim Zolciak google alerts. Symptoms include fake smiling in uncomfortable social situations,
looking like a cheap hooker at a family dinner**,
and threatening people with bodily harm when they make simple requests of you.
These signs may or may not be accompanied by extreme bitterness toward Andy Cohen.
Anyone exhibiting these symptoms is in urgent need of medical attention. As you might have guessed, I was a victim of RHAP. Luckily, I received help just in time--the emergency room staff ended up pumping my stomach and told me that I had near-fatal levels of Chardonnay, synthetic hair and French manicures in my system. Had my husband not acted quickly when I screamed "let your hater be your motivator!" in the middle of the night, I might not be here today.
I am feeling better but still have the occasional desire to hire a personal chef and create my own fashion line. The doctors say that if I continue listening to NPR and avoid Real Housewives for a week, there is a good chance that I will make a full recovery (only time will tell if I have suffered permanent damage to my brain). Please keep me in your prayers, and be on the alert for signs of this life-threatening condition in yourself and others.
Thank you, and have a spectacular weekend.
*For those of you who were unable to watch it (e.g. no dvr, you live in Jordan, you have standards, etc.) do not fret. Total snoozefest, as several of you commented in a previous post.
**Big, big props to the anonymous commenter who described this outfit as Kim's French hooker can-can dress and wondered about the "hookers around-the-world" theme she has going on.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
How fableeous does our girl NeNe look?! I seriously had to double-check to make sure that Christian was not snuggling up to Mary J. Doesn't Vicki look like she was just trying to get a photo of herself with NeNe when Christian was all "hey, fierce bitches!" and then launched himself right into their laps? I bet you Andy's mojito that Vicki is thinking "damn, he weighs a lot more than he looks."
photo from here
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I am hoping that my next google alert for Kim is a press release from Demi Moore stating "I AM NOT WORKING WITH KIM! That was only for the tv show!"
Please come back tonight and tell me your every thought during the finale.
As you may have seen on the front page of Yahoo, our very own Jeff Lewis of Bravo's Flipping Out is suffering deeply in the current recession.
It broke my heart to hear that Jeff, along with Zoila and all of the animals, are living in a 700 square foot house. Soon, he will be forced to take on remodeling projects in order to make ends meet. I cannot stand by and watch this happen. My hope is that I can raise enough money to move Jeff out of this squalor and into a 2 million dollar home in a trendy area (plus a $650k renovation budget and $10,000 for take-out meals).
In order to raise the funds, I am planning a a JLMDH luncheon, where invitees (only ballers, no riff-raff) will be asked to wear Lacoste in support of Jeff. A JLMDH live auction, which I hope to have sponsored by Starbucks, is also in the works. Please contact me if you'd like to volunteer or be on the guest list (subject to a background check) for either event.
In the meantime, I would like to personally call on Ryan Brown and Lori Lassner to open their homes and hearts to Jeff and his staff during this time of need.
In the comments section, please feel free to pledge your generous support and/or give Jeff your well wishes. Thank you so much.