*NOW UPDATED WITH GRATUITOUS PHOTO OF FILTHY HOT DAVE GROHL*
Let's dive right in, sexy bitches!
Everyone loves NeNe's new haircut (obv).
Sheree had some major I Dream of Beyonce hair extensions.
To my untrained eye, it actually looked like 2 very (very) separate pieces: bangs and pony. No bueno.
(btw, Sheree, the photo at the top? Don't think we didn't notice the pelvic thrust. WTF?)
While DeShawn looks pretty fantastic above, in reality she looked like she took out her hot rollers on the most humid day in Atlanta's history, empitied a can of Aquanet on herself, had some wild sex and then immediately showed up at the Bravo studios without checking a mirror.
It was big and messy, DeShawn. Just like Kim's coochie.
(omg, that had to have been the grossest thing I've ever said on this blog. I am so sorry. Couldn't be helped.)
Then, the moment we have been waiting for all season--host Andy Cohen reads to Kim the viewer question, "is it a wig?"
By now you've heard the whole cancer story (if not, watch it here), about how 3 years ago she was losing her hair and losing weight, and a doctor friend told her there was a "90% chance" she had cancer. Then Kim trails off tearfully, leading everyone to believe that she had cancer.
There is a bona fide discussion about Kim's "cancer." When Andy finally asks her point blank if she did have the big C, she goes through this whole story about how she was waiting at Chili's (!) for her test results and that she ended up not having cancer--her hair loss was related to another condition that she did "not want to discuss."
Now, I don't know about you, but my ears perked up at this. Why on earth would attention-hungry Kim decline an opportunity to talk about her tragique illness? I have an answer. Here.
Kim, I don't care whether you have/had a raging case of secondary stage syph. The whole point of everyone making fun of the wig was that if you can buy a $68k car on a whim, you can surely afford a wig that doesn't look like it was made from the clippings on the floor of the Bratz factory. As Dwight said to you during the show, "it could be so much more than it is." Amen, sister.
Topic: Is NeNe an ex-stripper?
NeNe played this beautifully. When Andy asked her this viewer question, she said "that's false, I'm still a stripper." She coyly adds that she strips every night, "around the silk plants" (love it) for Gregg.
She's totally an ex-stripper.
No one cares, NeNe.
Topic: Big Papa
Kim says that they are on-again off-again and that it was her decision to keep his identity a secret because he was married and some other blah blah blah. NeNe brings up the fact that even though she's just barely met Big Papa, Kim said in a previous episode that BP was talking shit about NeNe. NeNe proceeds to let loose a marvelous stream of trash talk and profanity that went something like this:
That's some shit you made up! Close your legs to married men. CLOSE YOUR LEGS TO MARRIED MEN. You made a comment that you'd like to beat my ass. I'd like to see that happen. I'd like to see that happen!
Kim screams something retarded like "watch, bitch! First week in January!" (when her record drops).
NeNe flies out of her chair.
Andy Cohen smiles and thinks "JACKPOT!" Lisa restrains NeNe and sits on her. NeNe screams "trashy hooker!" at Kim, but it sounds like "trashy hook-AH!"
Somewhere in a CNN van, Anderson Cooper was bouncing up and down in his chair and clapping his hands giddily.
Topic: Is DeShawn Stupid?
DeShawn is pretty much mute during this show, however she did mention that she was "pursuing a master's degree..."
and I was all "I have totally misjudged--" when she added "...online." So, yes. Our original assessment was probably correct.
Topic: Is Kim a pathological liar?
Lisa and Kim start fighting about how Kim found out about NeNe's song in the limo. This part was highly edited and it's hard to tell what was going on. In any case, Lisa pretty much goes apeshit and calls Kim a pathological liar (twice!) and screams that Kim needs to be on "freaking medication." (twice!)
I'm choosing to believe that Kim is a pathological liar because, well, DUH.
Topic: Lisa's delicious husband Ed
Andy reads a viewer question from Bruce in Minneapolis who asks Lisa if he can borrow Ed and his smoking hot bod sometime. Lisa says "ewwwww! No!"
Frank and I think that "Bruce in Minneapolis" is really "Andy at Bravo." Have no shame, buddy. We all want Ed.
Feast your eyes on this.
A red boucle jacket, long hair cascading down his back, calling himself a bigger diva than Sheree...this man is a STAR.
That's it! I didn't really touch on Sheree because it seems like everyone tacitly agreed that she's a big 'ol bitch. There's no use on calling her out on it because she embraces it. Look for She by Sheree in Fall '09.
Kim alludes to a season 2, but she's a pathological liar, so let's not get our hopes up. What did you think of the reunion?
(and bonus topic: did you see dirty sexy Dave Grohl on Top Chef tonight? Do you love him? Yes or no.)