Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion


*NOW UPDATED WITH GRATUITOUS PHOTO OF FILTHY HOT DAVE GROHL*


Let's dive right in, sexy bitches!


Topic: Hair

Everyone loves NeNe's new haircut (obv).

Sheree had some major I Dream of Beyonce hair extensions.


To my untrained eye, it actually looked like 2 very (very) separate pieces: bangs and pony. No bueno.

(btw, Sheree, the photo at the top? Don't think we didn't notice the pelvic thrust. WTF?)

While DeShawn looks pretty fantastic above, in reality she looked like she took out her hot rollers on the most humid day in Atlanta's history, empitied a can of Aquanet on herself, had some wild sex and then immediately showed up at the Bravo studios without checking a mirror.

It was big and messy, DeShawn. Just like Kim's coochie.

(omg, that had to have been the grossest thing I've ever said on this blog. I am so sorry. Couldn't be helped.)

Then, the moment we have been waiting for all season--host Andy Cohen reads to Kim the viewer question, "is it a wig?"

By now you've heard the whole cancer story (if not, watch it here), about how 3 years ago she was losing her hair and losing weight, and a doctor friend told her there was a "90% chance" she had cancer. Then Kim trails off tearfully, leading everyone to believe that she had cancer.

There is a bona fide discussion about Kim's "cancer." When Andy finally asks her point blank if she did have the big C, she goes through this whole story about how she was waiting at Chili's (!) for her test results and that she ended up not having cancer--her hair loss was related to another condition that she did "not want to discuss."

Now, I don't know about you, but my ears perked up at this. Why on earth would attention-hungry Kim decline an opportunity to talk about her tragique illness? I have an answer. Here.

Kim, I don't care whether you have/had a raging case of secondary stage syph. The whole point of everyone making fun of the wig was that if you can buy a $68k car on a whim, you can surely afford a wig that doesn't look like it was made from the clippings on the floor of the Bratz factory. As Dwight said to you during the show, "it could be so much more than it is." Amen, sister.

Topic: Is NeNe an ex-stripper?

NeNe played this beautifully. When Andy asked her this viewer question, she said "that's false, I'm still a stripper." She coyly adds that she strips every night, "around the silk plants" (love it) for Gregg.

She's totally an ex-stripper.


No one cares, NeNe.

Topic: Big Papa

Kim says that they are on-again off-again and that it was her decision to keep his identity a secret because he was married and some other blah blah blah. NeNe brings up the fact that even though she's just barely met Big Papa, Kim said in a previous episode that BP was talking shit about NeNe. NeNe proceeds to let loose a marvelous stream of trash talk and profanity that went something like this:

That's some shit you made up! Close your legs to married men. CLOSE YOUR LEGS TO MARRIED MEN. You made a comment that you'd like to beat my ass. I'd like to see that happen. I'd like to see that happen!

Kim screams something retarded like "watch, bitch! First week in January!" (when her record drops).

NeNe flies out of her chair.

Andy Cohen smiles and thinks "JACKPOT!" Lisa restrains NeNe and sits on her. NeNe screams "trashy hooker!" at Kim, but it sounds like "trashy hook-AH!"

AWESOME.

Somewhere in a CNN van, Anderson Cooper was bouncing up and down in his chair and clapping his hands giddily.


Topic: Is DeShawn Stupid?

DeShawn is pretty much mute during this show, however she did mention that she was "pursuing a master's degree..."


and I was all "I have totally misjudged--" when she added "...online." So, yes. Our original assessment was probably correct.

Topic: Is Kim a pathological liar?

Lisa and Kim start fighting about how Kim found out about NeNe's song in the limo. This part was highly edited and it's hard to tell what was going on. In any case, Lisa pretty much goes apeshit and calls Kim a pathological liar (twice!) and screams that Kim needs to be on "freaking medication." (twice!)

I'm choosing to believe that Kim is a pathological liar because, well, DUH.

Topic: Lisa's delicious husband Ed


Andy reads a viewer question from Bruce in Minneapolis who asks Lisa if he can borrow Ed and his smoking hot bod sometime. Lisa says "ewwwww! No!"

Frank and I think that "Bruce in Minneapolis" is really "Andy at Bravo." Have no shame, buddy. We all want Ed.

Topic: Dwight

Feast your eyes on this.

A red boucle jacket, long hair cascading down his back, calling himself a bigger diva than Sheree...this man is a STAR.


That's it! I didn't really touch on Sheree because it seems like everyone tacitly agreed that she's a big 'ol bitch. There's no use on calling her out on it because she embraces it. Look for She by Sheree in Fall '09.

Kim alludes to a season 2, but she's a pathological liar, so let's not get our hopes up. What did you think of the reunion?

(and bonus topic: did you see dirty sexy Dave Grohl on Top Chef tonight? Do you love him? Yes or no.)

39 comments:

mamacita said...

SGM, can you just SMELL the Pulitzer that is in your future?

Re: Dave Grohl -- didn't see the show, but a big "Yes" anyway.

Harvey Millstein, Certified Interior Decorator, said...

If Dave Grohl was on a show about embalming, or how they make cottage cheese, I would still swoon.

Anonymous said...

I still think Dwight and Sheree are the same person.

Although Sheree has some SJP equine tendencies of late.

Jennifer said...

Dave Grohl is the motherfucking SHIT.

Oh and I totally peed my pants when they called that dessert a "Barfait" Hee!

The Lil Bee said...

I love Lisa! I was ecstatic when she came at Kim like that. But then, with everyone ganging up on Kim, I did feel kind of bad for her. She got so knocked down to size this season. It's funny though because Shereee is so into herself and no matter how bad people try to knock her down, she doesn't hear it. Which just goes to show you how painfully insecure Kim is, because everything people say to her leaves her in tears or texting them that they're a "low budget bitch."

BTW, is it me or does DeShawn speak like a ventriloquist? Haven't you noticed this? Her lips don't move throughout whole sentences!!

P.S. Where've you been, SGM? I miss you:( Tons!
P.S.S. Happy T-day, sister!!

Anonymous said...

First, I feel somewhat sacrilegious checking SGM on Tday, but whatever, I will get over it.
"Bratz factory", "hook-AH", the image of AC clapping like a giddy schoolgirl and the reference to Kim's "big and messy" cooch all made me pee a little. (Dont worry, I dont think you were out of line with the coochie reference!)

Second, Yes! Lovin' Dave Grohl on Top Chef. Too cute. Ostrich eggs? Come on.
Kudo's SGM on giving us a much needed laugh on a holiday that is full of too much family and twice as much food.

Femme Star said...

lmao. I loved your recap. It is right on point!

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to think of RHOA. It's so heavily edited that we don't know what really went on. I'm beginning to feel sorry for Kim because it seems like everyone is ganging up on her. She's an absolute mess. She needs to stop drinking and clear her wigged head. I actually lost some respect for both NeNe and Lisa after watching them gang up on Kim. One minute Lisa wants to act like she's a peacemaker, then the next minute she's threatening to throw Kim over the sofa. Highschoolish behavior that's not fitting coming from a business woman. /snark/

I guess I'm in the minority...I don't like NeNe's hair cut. I think she looked better before.

Mint Julep said...

SGM Goddess of Bravo-I love you.

That is all.

Oh and Dave Grohl--#1 and only Free pass 5.

Natalie said...

I am so thankful for you.

Seriously.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Missed the episode w/ the Foo Fighters, waiting for replay.

Anonymous said...

Dave Grohl--he's so hot it makes you wonder why anyone ever wanted to fuck Kurt. I mean, Kurt probably broke down weeping after he came. Dave, on the other hand, would probably just grin at you lustily before diving on you again.

Anonymous said...

I think I need to read "Black Hair for Dummies."

zakary said...

I let Zoe watch the reunion with me and now she won't stop saying, "Straight Hook-ah".

"Zoe, do you want mac and cheese for dinner?"

"That is Straight Hook-ah."

The recap is awesome. I heart you to the moon and back.

~Z

Brittany said...

Anon at 5:58, fabeelous.

I think the line about Anderson doing baby claps was the greatest thing I have ever read.

Bravo, SGM. :)

zakary said...

P.S. Dave Grohl looks exactly like a guy I used to date that had horrible b.o. and the most out of control pubic hair I have ever seen on a human being.

So, no, I do not find him attractive.

SGM said...

Yeah, Dave Grohl doesn't work as well for me without the rock star thing.

Is it time for all of us to update our Free Pass Fives? (anon 5:53 kind of got me hot and bothered)

Happy Thanksgiving!

amymezzell said...

Fuck Thanksgiving. This blog just totally made my day.

megan said...

Another blog post that reminds me why I am totally thankful for SGM and Bravo! Where would my brain be without trashy tv? Probably in a library or something (shudder).

Happy Thanksgiving, SGM and thanks for the fantastic turkey day read.

Oh, and Dave Grohl is a total hottie.

karey m. said...

didn't think this could get better...until dave grohl.

love love love to you on thanksgivin. {i drop the g.}

xoxo.

alis said...

I guess this is as far as someone can adore this show without watching it once(I would, but not aired here). Thanks SGM for watching guilty-pleasure TV for me :)
Dave Grohl was THE biggest crush of my teenage years. Now? Not so much.

Elaine said...

I love me som Dave Grohl. Absolutely on the free pass list. the kids today could learn a thing or two from Davey.

Anonymous said...

Lisa gives off the vibe of being a reformed...something. Meth head, convict, psych patient, 14-year-old hooker: something bad in that girl's past that she is trying desperately to pretend never happened.

I bet she knows what a shiv is.

hello gorgeous said...

I'm happy that I have no idea what a shiv is. I thought it was a Jewish reference. :-)

Your recaps make me happy. (Sorry for my long-winded earlier comment - clearly I need more to do.)

jen said...

LOVE Dave Grohl. IN my Free Pass Five.

HATE Sheree. Hate her! Kim's an ass but so entertaining, but I would love for them to dump Sheree just for fun. 7 figures? i hope all of them are 0.

Can't wait to hear your take on TRHOOC.

Anonymous said...

Kim is like a country-western song on the outside and a hepatitis-riddled truck-stop hooker on the inside.

Barb said...

Oh SGM, you have done it again. This was the best reunion ever. My sister and I were calling each other during the commericials to discuss what was going on. Kim is a mess, Sheree is a bitch and I hope she gets dropped too. I can't make up my mind about Lisa..... DeShawn, not so bright and NeNe is the SHIT!!! Love her.
Anon at 5:53, "grin at you lustily before diving on you again" OMG!!!! That makes me nervous in a good way! Love DAVE thanks for the hot pic SGM!!

Anonymous said...

omg I couldn't stop laughing. "Bratz factory"...I die.

Megan said...

WHat can I say but, excelente? Dave does have some sort of grubby goodness, but Zakary's comment had me laughing pretty f'ing hard. He kind of has a Neanderthal element to him, except I do admire his hard pounding drummer talent, especially as a Queen of The Stone Age, and that makes me hot for him.

Yes, lets update Free Pass 5. I might make mine an All Rock version.

beachbungalow8 said...

i've watched this porabably 3 times now. what,it's always on. It gives me so much stress!!

dave grohl was just too 'whacky rock star guy' for me. what a dork.

Anonymous said...

Tweetomatic Profiteer -
Woodworking 4 Home -
24 Hour Internet Business -
Blogging To The Bank -
Burn The Fat -
Earth 4 Energy -
Fap Turbo -
Fat Burning Furnace -
Fat Loss 4 Idiots -
Foex Auto Money -
Hemorrhoid Miracle -
Legit Online Jobs -
Magic Of Making Up -
Magni Work -
Micro Niche Finder -
Plr Article Software -
Pregnancy Miracle -
Software Submitter Pro -
The Affiliate Code -
The Diet Solution Program -
Truth About Abs -
Zygor Guides -
av advance -
banish tonsil stones -
bookmarking demon -
burnthefat -
burn the fat -
carb rotation diet -
catch spouse cheating -
cb affiliate blueprints -
combat the fat -
conversationalhypnosis -
conversational hypnosis -
cure angular cheilitis -

Anonymous said...

directory of ezines -
dirty talking guide -
dish tv for pc -
dog training online -
domain sales machine -
driver robot -
earth4energy -
earth 4 energy -
easy tech videos -
eatstopeat -
eat stop eat -
error killer -
error smart -
evidence eraser -
evidence smart -
fatburningfurnace -
fat burning furnace -
fatloss4idiots -
fat loss 4 idiots -
fitnessmodelprogram -
fitness model program -
fit yummy yummy -
flattenyourabs -
flatten your abs -
flat to fab -
forex derivative -
gas 4 free -
get better grades -
golf swing guru -
governmentregistry -
government registry -
heartburn no more -
homemadeenergy -
home made energy -

Anonymous said...

hyper vre -
i software tv -
legit online jobs -
linden method -
london forex rush -
master word smith -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
max pro system -
meet your sweet -
membership gold rush -
minute sites -
musclegainingsecrets -
muscle gaining secrets -
negative calorie diet -
one minute cure -
one week marketing -
pc on point -
pc tv 4 me -
perfect optimizer -
php link cloaker -
pick the gender of your baby -
profit lance -
public records pro -
quit smoking today -
recipe secrets -
reg clean -
regi cleanse -
registry easy -
registry winner -
reg sweep -
reverse mobile -
reverse phone detective -
richard mackenzie direct -

Anonymous said...

rocket piano -
rocket spanish -
satellite tv to pc -
smtp 2 go -
spam bully -
spyware nuker -
the bad breath report -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -
the stop snoring exercise program -
the super mind evolution system -
trading stock indices -
truth about abs -
turbulencetraining -
turbulence training -
twitter annihilation -
twitter rockstar -
twitter traffic machine -
ultimate content creator -
ultimate font download -
ultimate wow guide -
video piggy -
vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -
warp speed fat loss -
web investigator -
win clear -
win spy -
yeast infection no more -

Anonymous said...

3d covers -
500 scrapbooking sketches -
acid alkaline diet -
acne free in 3 days -
advanced pc tweaker -
apple patch diet -
art of approaching -
auction inspector -
av advance -
build a nice store -
burnthefat -
burn the fat -
carb rotation diet -
catch spouse cheating -
chikara reiki do -
combat the fat -
conversationalhypnosis -
conversational hypnosis -
copy that game -
cure gout now -
dl guard -
dog training online -
driver checker -
driver robot -
drop shipping wholesalers -
earth4energy -
earth 4 energy -
easy backup wizard -
eatstopeat -
eat stop eat -
error fix -
error killer -
error smart -

Anonymous said...

evidence eraser -
evidence nuker -
ex girlfriend guru -
fatburningfurnace -
fat burning furnace -
fatloss4idiots -
fat loss 4 idiots -
final uninstaller -
fitnessmodelprogram -
fitness model program -
fit yummy yummy -
flattenyourabs -
flatten your abs -
flat to fab -
forex grid bot -
get google ads free -
get paid to draw -
get this off my chest now -
governmentregistry -
government registry -
heartburn no more -
homemadeenergy -
home made energy -
honest riches -
learn photoshop now -
linden method -
malware removal bot -
marketing on the fringe -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
meet your sweet -
musclegainingsecrets -
muscle gaining secrets -
my online income system -

Anonymous said...

negative calorie diet -
no adware -
one minute cure -
one week marketing -
online pickup secrets -
partenon -
pc on point -
perfect optimizer -
perfect uninstaller -
pick the gender of your baby -
power cash secret -
profit lance -
publicrecordspro -
public records pro -
push button marketer -
quit smoking today -
registry easy -
registry easy download -
registry fix -
registry winner download -
reverse mobile -
reverse phone detective -
richard mackenzie direct -
rocket spanish -
rss power plus -
sem business blueprint -
silent sales machine -
spam bully -
sports betting champ -
spyware cease -
spyware nuker -
spyware remover -
starting a day care center -
the bad breath report -

Anonymous said...

the cb code -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -
the super mind evolution system -
traffic travis -
truth about abs -
turbulencetraining -
turbulence training -
twitter affiliate cash -
twitter decoded -
video piggy -
video web wizard -
vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -
warp speed fat loss -
wedding speech 4u -
windo fix -
your bill killer -
you will get paid -
zygor guides -
20 day persuasion -
advanced pc tweaker -
adware bot -
affiliate naire -
apple patch diet -
article submitter -
art of approaching -
burnthefat -
burn the fat -
carb rotation diet -
cold sore freedom in 3 days -
conversationalhypnosis -
conversational hypnosis -
copy that game -

Anonymous said...

cure for bruxism -
cure hemorrhoids -
cyber link pro -
dl guard -
driver checker -
driver robot -
drop shipping wholesalers -
earth4energy -
Aearth 4 energy -
easy backup wizard -
easy click mate -
easy photo biz -
eatstopeat -
eat stop eat -
epinoisis -
error fix -
error killer -
error smart -
evidence nuker -
fap turbo -
fatburningfurnace -
fat burning furnace -
fatloss4idiots -
fat loss 4 idiots -
final uninstaller -
fitnessmodelprogram -
fitness model program -
fit yummy yummy -
flattenyourabs -
flatten your abs -
flat to fab -
governmentregistry -
government registry -
heartburn no more -

Anonymous said...

hippo jaw -
homemadeenergy -
home made energy -
honest riches -
hot video squeeze templates -
instant website creation -
jump manual -
keyword research pro -
linden method -
malware removal bot -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
meet your sweet -
micro niche finder -
musclegainingsecrets -
muscle gaining secrets -
muscle gain truth -
my traffic strategy -
nasty dirty money -
negative calorie diet -
no adware -
pc optimizer pro -
perfect uninstaller -
pergola plans -
pick the gender of your bady -
plr ebook club -
pregnancy without pounds -
profit lance -
publicrecordspro -
public records pro -
questions for couples -
quit smoking today -
ready made review sites -
reg genie -