Monday, June 30, 2008

Does this clip make you want to kiss Jeff Lewis full-on the lips?

Yes or no.

(if your answer is no, please call an ambulance so that your dead, shriveled heart can perhaps be restarted)

(does anyone else detect a wee bit of flirtation between Jeff and the New Chris? I like it.)

Frank's Butt in San Francisco

I present Part 2 of the photographic series entitled Frank's Butt. In the photo, I surreptitiously held the camera down low so as to capture Frank's butt with David Beckham in the background. Enjoy.

View Frank's Butt, The Original, here.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Douchebag Alert

I'd be crying too, Francois. Read about it here.

By the way, you know they were totally going for this:

As if.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

"Are you bite me Jeff?"

These are the words of Zoila, the housekeeper of Jeff Lewis. From what I can gather, Jeff and his staff treat her like a small child by alternately making jokes above her head and teaching her to say naughty things for their own amusement. Ryan tried to teach Zoila to say "bite me, Jeff" and at the right moment, he prompted her, only to have her say "are you bite me Jeff." I feel kind of badly for finding it funny, but who knows, maybe Zoila is the smart one with the "no speak Ingles" business.

Just so you know, I love Jeff more than ever. He smiles now. Such a beautiful, happy smile. Mmmmm. It's contagious.

Here's your recap for last night's episode of Flipping Out.

1. The episode opens with Jeff and Jenni meeting with Ryan to tell him how PSYCHO Courtney is. You remember Courtney, the woman who hired Ryan and Jeff to oversee the restoration of her historical mansion, only to turn all schitzo on them. Three major things happened in this scene. First, I decided that Ryan really needs a haircut. It doesn't look bad here, but trust me, it's too long. It's over the ears.

Second, Jeff had a significant "lightbulb moment," as Oprah would say. He realized Courtney's tirade was very similar to his own brand of tirade, and that it makes people feel like shit. Jeff, this is what is called growth. Good work, buddy! Third, Jeff and Ryan quit the Courtney job. Whew.

2. Next, Jeff and his staff are sitting down to lunch and Jeff remarks that Zoila's birthday is the next week. Ryan says "do you remember the last year, the special pinata that I brought you?" in this patronizing voice that a person would normally save for senile Pawpaw in the nursing home. It immediately conjured a vision in my mind of Jeff, Jenni and Ryan in some Mexican grocery store, doubled over with laughter and holding a pinata in the shape of a feather duster.

This scene is pretty funny, if not a little confusing. Jeff's combination of extra-dry humor plus fussy/nutso personality makes it hard to be certain that he is joking when he responds to Zoila's request for two days off. "Didn't you have Christmas off?" he asks. Then to the camera, "who's going to do my laundry? Who's going to make my breakfast?"

There are many awesome quotes from this scene, such as straight-faced Zoila telling Jeff in broken English "I'm not a slave mister" and saying "emancipation. Abraham Lincoln." Everyone is in stitches over this, and Jeff tells her he's going to put "the kibosh on school because you're learning too much." This is when the "are you bite me Jeff" part happens and the laughter continues. Jenni remarks to the camera that she thinks that Zoila is digging a tunnel to escape. Call me mean, but it was funny, and the whole thing left me longing to be part of Jeff's world.

3. Then Jeff is shown getting various houses ready to go on the market. He is also working on a renovation of a producer's house, and he loves the producer and his wife because "they want a Jeff Lewis house." Who doesn't?! After seeing how totally meticulous he is about every single detail in every single aspect of renovation and design, you know that his houses are not only gorgeous but solid. It's the steep price that's the stumbling block, but top quality costs dinero, people!

4. Okay. It's Zoila's birthday. Jeff gives Zoila a painting of herself and he's totally trying not to crack up.

Here's Chris Elwood with the painting. He's trying not to laugh too.

Jeff thinks its brilliant, but what does Zoila say? "Ugly! Thank you so much" and then a bunch of other stuff (subtitled, of course) including "I hate it. I feel sad." For real! And the artist is there watching all of this. Awkward. I feel like Jeff took it a smidge too far when he says to the camera "it's better than a day off. What could be better than to immortalize your housekeeper?" Indeed.

Although Jeff loves the portrait at first, he totally backpedals when Zoila expresses her deep displeasure and he sends it back to the artist to remove some of "the chins" and the "turkey neck." Oh Jesus. Zoila tells Jeff that he should hang it in his house if he likes it so much (this was the gist, as Zoila cannot string together this many words in English) and he says to her "maybe we can put it outside to scare the coyotes" and the room dissolves into laughter, once again at Zoila's expense. But it's funny.

4. The Drape Incident, as Jenni describes it, happens when Jeff doesn't like the color of the drapes his interior designer is installing. He won't SHUT UP about white and off-white and the various shades of white and blah blah blah. I wanted to scream at the tv "drapes are expensive you crazy fucker! If off-white doesn't work, then repaint the room! Don't make your designer eat the drapes because she didn't consult you on the exact shade of off-white!" Incredibly, he is satisfied with the drapes once they are hung and his hissy fit was all for nothing. Growth, I tell you. Progress.

5. Jeff is at one of his houses that is going to be shown to a potential buyer later that day and is close to having an aneurysm about the house looking like crap and contractors being lazy, clueless, retarded etc. Ryan suggests that they "sage" the house to get rid of the negative energy that Jeff just produced. Ha! Score one for Ryan. But he's serious. A lot of this scene eluded me because I thought they were talking about "staging" the house. But then I snapped out of my Zoila-like state and realized that it was all about sage-ing, which I vaguely remember from last season. Whatever, you California freaks.

6. Chris Elwood screws up a simple task yet again and while Jeff doesn't go completely bonkers, he goes a little bit bonkers. You can tell Jeff's really trying to mellow out.

That's it! Preview for next week: COURTNEY IS BACK! Apparently Jeff agrees to work for her again after he's raked her over the coals on national tv. She must have gotten down on her knees and begged. Did anyone else notice that her face looked a bit tear-stained and puffy? Should be a good one.

P.S. If anyone wants to see footage of some classic Jeff Lewis insanity, you must watch this.

Yo Yo! Where my WASPs at?

Meg from Pigtown Design posted the link to this video in the comments section of my last post. She described it as a combination of Kanye and Harvard, and it is PERFECTION. God, do those people need my help.

In the meantime, I haven't watched Flipping Out yet, so BACK OFF, bitches! I'll get to it.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Dear Harvard,

Hi! You have probably heard of me--I'm the (unofficial) new cast member of The Real Housewives of New York City. In order to cement my position, I need a high-powered job. Coincidentally, Harvard needs someone to retool its stuffy, elitist image into one of acceptance and educational innovation. I propose a partnership that will make Harvard relevant again as well as give me the respected teaching position I need for my reality show. How, you ask? By offering an in-depth class exploring the work of Kanye West.

The name of the course will be called Kanye 411, and I am uniquely qualified to teach it. I will get to the course description and a sample lecture in a moment, but first I'd like to show you my teacher outfit:

Smart and sexy, in a very understated way. It's all part of the vision I have for the new Harvard.

Here is my proposed class description:
Kanye 411
A historical and critical study of the major concepts of the work of Kanye West. Particular attention will be given to the lyrics of Gold Digger and Stronger, and the dangers of listening to Kanye at the gym.
The class will be an upper level course available to students pursuing degrees in the fields of philosophy, cultural studies and fresh-ass hip-hop (which is a new department that I will recommend be created). I believe in lots of student participation, mentally and physically, as evidenced by the following sample lecture:

Discussion and Analysis of Roboto Voice and Kate Moss Reference in Stronger

Kanye 411
Harvard University, Fall 2008

I. Watch Stronger video

II. Do you want to jump out of the building with joy every time you hear the roboto voice at the beginning of Stronger? Why?

A. Origins of roboto voice

1. Robots

2. Styx

B. Students will be asked to mimic roboto voice and also do futuristic dancing.

III. "Let's get lost tonight; you can be my black Kate Moss tonight"

A. The meaning of "let's get lost tonight"

1. figurative or literal?

2. a veiled reference to the show "Lost"

3. in the context of Kanye's life at the time

a. expressing need to not be famous

b. expressing need to get really drunk/high, which leads into . . .

B. The meaning of "you can be my black Kate Moss tonight." Is he giving permission or assigning a role?

1. What would being "black Kate Moss" entail? Drug use, killer clothes, model attitude?

2. Would you consent/agree to being his black Kate Moss? Why or why not?

3. Does the thought of being Kanye's black Kate Moss kind of turn you on?

IV. Homework essay--500 words--
Do you think that Kanye would hook up with the real Kate Moss? Support your answer with lyrics from any of Kanye's songs and the work of Perez Hilton.
V. The End

I am in the process of obtaining Kanye as a guest speaker and possible adjunct professor for the Kanye 501 class "Big is Best: Egos in Modern Day Hip-Hop". Talk about increasing your number of applicants! His connection with your university could also help with your fundraising efforts.

My salary requirements at this point would be in the $300,000 range, but my fee for this idea and image make-over is negotiable. Please contact me as soon as possible so that we may discuss this in more detail over the phone. I look forward to working with such a distinguished and venerated university. Let's make history!

Very Truly Yours,


P.S. Sorry about the gd formatting for my outline. Blogger is not cooperating!

cc: Kanye West

Monday, June 23, 2008


Now if he would just come out in support of a woman's right to drive and be in public unaccompanied by a man, then I'd totally vote for him.

I swear to God, the media is so freaking retarded.

Friday, June 20, 2008

They're f-ing with us

Lucky's Cute Girl of the Day

Ah yes, I've been waiting for this. Cut-offs at work!

I think Jessie over at The Lucky Stone summed things up quite nicely in the comments of the last Lucky cute girl post: "you mean to tell me that there was NO ONE ELSE in the ENTIRE office that looked any cuter than this? I don't buy it. I think they're f-ing with us."

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

"Is this 140? It's not 140. It's 150, or 155."

This quote is from Jeff Lewis, voicing his extreme concern over the temperature of his coffee. I didn't even KNOW you could specify temperature at Starbucks. What kind of gd nitpicker does this? I would repeat his whole coffee order to you but it would take me 10 minutes of rewinding and writing just to get it all down. This man is anal to a degree that I can't even fathom. This temperature issue? He goes on and on and ON about it to his assistant Jenni, "Are you sure this is 140? I know it's not 140. I drink 140 every day and this is not 140. You know what? I'm not going to worry about it." Pause. "The funny thing is, 140 is not written on the cup." Jesus H. Christ. This man is crazier than a shithouse rat.

Why do I love him so?

I almost forgot that Season 2 of Flipping Out was premiering tonight (thanks to Paloma at La Dolce Vita for reminding me). If you didn't watch it or dvr it, don't worry. I've got the goods for you. Let's get down to business!

1. Brief background: Jeff Lewis flips multi-million dollar houses in (mainly) LA for a living. He has incredible taste and an OCD-like obsession with details, to which he and everyone around him credits his success. In fact, does anyone out there know if he has an official OCD diagnosis? He must. For real. Anyhow, he loves to scream and yell at his employees in a very abusive way if they don't follow his ridiculously detailed instructions/requirements to a tee (more on this below).

On most projects, he works with a partner, Ryan Brown, who is an amazing interior designer and the voice of calm and reason on the show. Ryan and Jeff dated for awhile several years ago and somehow managed to remain friends afterward. We love Ryan.

Jenni is Jeff's assistant who takes a mega-ton of shit.

Notice her tense expression and Jeff's "I'm going to fucking lose it" expression.

She looks and talks exactly like Julia Louis Dreyfus. She seems smart and together, and you wonder why she puts up with Jeff . . . until you meet her husband, Chris Elwood. I swear to God, all last season I thought Chris was her SON. I am still in shock from learning tonight that she actually sleeps with this dude. He looks and acts like a 22 year old brain-damaged stoner whose biggest dream is to be on an episode of Jackass. Apparently he is an aspiring actor whose claim to fame so far is a role as one of the supporting actors on Punk'd. Can you guess which one he is? Here's a hint: he's the one wearing a headband with a tie.

He also works for Jeff and his title last season was "Trash Guy," meaning he picks up trash on all of Jeff's properties. He could barely handle that and was almost fired several times. Jeff announced in tonight's episode that Chris was promoted (without any sort of pay raise) to "House Manager" because the last one quit. House Manager duties consist of caring for Jeff's dogs, doing grocery shopping and performing menial cleaning jobs. We know now why Jenni sticks with Jeff--she is grateful that he employs her semi-retarded husband.

Finally, there is The New Chris, who is the new Trash Guy.

Danger, The New Chris. Danger!

Poor thing. He dresses way better than Chris Elwood and seems to have about 40 more IQ points, but he is below Chris Elwood on the totem pole. Not for long, if you want my opinion. The New Chris says that he is doing the Trash Guy job because he has always loved real estate and design and considers working with Jeff to be an apprenticeship.

2. Tonight's episode opens with a montage of Jeff blowing his top over teeny tiny little things, like one of his employees not checking to make sure that his salad was exactly as he ordered it. I can't go into the other examples because it might drive me insane.

3. The real estate market has tanked, and Jeff and Ryan are forced to take a consulting job at $25,000 a month (each? we don't know) in the renovation of an $8 million historical mansion (Hancock Park for those of you in the know). Jeff feels that this is way beneath him; plus, he can't deal with not being in charge. Courtney, the owner of the mansion and Jeff's employer, dishes out a mild verbal abuse and Jeff can't take it. In fact, he is outraged at being treated so shabbily! Oh, the irony. He repeatedly bashes Courtney to the camera. At this point, I'm on Courtney's side because you know, she's the boss. As Jenni says with a shrug, "you take it." Quit being such a baby, Jeff!

4. Then there are several unbelievable scenes demonstrating Jeff's fussiness. First, you see him giving his housekeeper Zoila the third degree about his breakfast. "What happened to the thicker bacon? I liked it better. And actually, this bacon is a little too crispy." If this was Zoila's first week on the job, I would understand. However, Zoila has worked with Jeff for many years, and you get the feeling that breakfast is broken down and criticized ad nauseam every single fucking day. Good God, he must pay his employees well.

Then there's the conversation with Chris Elwood in which Jeff recites his coffee order and says he wants it to be 140. As Chris is walking out of the room, Jeff says "No--wait! 150." This is a different order than the one talked about in the beginning of this post, but again, who does this? Jeff Lewis the Anna Wintour of realty and reality (except much more good-looking).

Later, Chris Elwood is training The New Chris on the "visuals" of Jeff's refrigerator. Jeff is (surprise!) "very particular" about the brands, number and placement of items in the fridge. I can't even believe this shit is real. There is no doubt in my mind that Jeff makes Zoila decant the Tide.

There's also an in-depth, very serious employer-employee discussion between Jeff and Jenni about at which point you switch from "good afternoon" to good evening." According to Jeff, it's between 4:59 and 5:00pm. Once again, as I'm listening to this, I have to wonder whether this show is one big joke, because it's so ridiculous.

5. In the last scene, we hear Courtney dropping copious f-bombs over the phone, yelling at Jeff for not negotiating a subcontractor's bid low enough. As we saw earlier in the show, Jeff agreed to negotiate the bid down a couple thousand and Courtney agreed that that would be enough for her to sign the contract. Jeff holds up his end of the deal and Courtney does not. In fact, Courtney does a 180 on him (NOT a 140 or a 150) and Jeff acts as though he's going to have a cerebral hemorrhage.

6. Why I like Jeff despite his arrogant, abusive and anal retentive ways: he's funny. For example, Ryan walked up to him in last night's episode and Jeff, Mr. Prim and Proper, says "what's up, fool?" And Ryan says tiredly, "must you always address everyone as fool?" Jeff says simply, "yes." Maybe you had to be there, but it was a precious little moment. As was the scene where Jeff is talking about how Zoila the housekeeper is like family to him even though he can't understand anything she says because of her thick accent. Watching him listen to her and try to respond is great entertainment.

Unlike other reality stars who fail to acknowledge their unattractive qualities (Jackie Warner and arrogance, Ramoner and batshit craziness), Jeff recognizes that he is a crazy mofo. He embraces it, and he occasionally makes fun of it. Plus he apparently treats his employees very well or else why would they stick around (other than to be on tv)?

Did you watch? What do you think?

Monday, June 16, 2008

I didn't get murdered!

Thanks to all of you who gave me the excellent advice and encouragement for my camping trip last weekend. I actually had a great time, and I didn't even drink any alcohol (I had to keep my senses sharp in the event of murderers and BEARS, which I totally forgot about). I did get painfully cold at night and suffered from lack of pillow, but it was overshadowed by the beautiful scenery, fresh air and delicious food prepared by my sister-in-law, who is the Martha Stewart of camping (who knew?!).

That's a real photo of MS camping. She has a recipe for campfire hot dogs. I'm not even kidding.

I have basically ignored the mountains for most of the 15 years I have lived here because every time I go up, it's increasingly crowded, commercial and pricey, and that's not fun. Now I realize that I just haven't been going to the right places. Lord knows that I will never be the type to strap slick boards on my feet and plunge down a snowy mountain in the freezing cold, but hiking here in the warm sunshine with the fam and coming back to eat a baloney sandwich* and cherries? I can do that.

Here's one quick story: Our whole group hiked for 3 miles to the most beautiful panoramic view in the whole wide world. It was also possible to be a cheater and drive to this beautiful panoramic view, which is how we ran into a group of old people there. They were very sweet and chatty and one of the old men offered to take our picture. Now this is when you're thinking that the old person somehow fucks up our camera or our photo. Nope. He does a fantastic job, and as soon as he gives the camera back to me, my 6 year old announces "Ladies and gentlemen! Let's give a big hand to the OLD PEOPLE for taking our picture!"

Thank God old people can't hear.

I will leave you with a true and authentic picture of Frank's butt. Drink it up, ladies and gay dudes, because I am sure that I will be forced to take it down once he realizes that it's up.

*It's probably been 20 years since I've had a baloney sandwich, and I'd just like to report that it was awesome.

*UPDATE* Due to overwhelming positive response, Frank has requested that his money shot NOT be removed.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Into the Wild

I am going camping for the very first time this weekend. What I fear, in no particular order:

1. Spiders

2. Cold

3. Murder

I am an indoor type of girl. While I am not high maintenance, I do like refrigeration, toilets, showers, central heating and air, television, the internet, and doors to keep out spiders, cold and murderers.

When Frank is not telling me about reports of high spider volumes near our campground, he is stifling laughter, saying "I can't believe you're actually doing this."

I need encouragement and/or advice. Please help.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

No longer a player but always a playa

The OC Register is reporting that Quinn of the mile-long cleavage will no longer be a "key player" in the Real Housewives of Orange County. The focus will be shifted to the newest cast member, a young gold digger who's engaged to an older dude (excellent!). Some of you may remember Quinn's freaky alter ego, Roxy, who made us all cringe with embarrassment when she sashayed into a Vegas casino to seduce Billy (pictured above). Sadly, I could not find any photos of Quinn as the blond slutty bombshell, but the image of her is burned into my brain. Farewell, dear Roxy. You shall be missed.

Don't forget the Bravo A-List Awards tonight!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

"Thank God it's over!"

That quote is from me, referring to many, many things in the season finale of Work Out, the most obvious being that we will all get a well-deserved break from its uber-haughty star, Jackie Warner.

Endings were the theme last night . . . as well as new beginnings. Aw! And hypocrisy. Don't forget the hypocrisy! Here's what you need to know from the season finale:

1. The show opens with Jackie waiting to see her therapist, Dr. Shirley, for a couple's counseling session with Briana, her girlfriend of 4 months. Okay, 1) you're going to counseling after 4 months? and 2) how many gd girlfriends has Jackie taken to therapy? I know she took Mimi from season one. Did she take Rebecca? (remember that now--Jackie dated her employee Rebecca during season two). If Jackie doesn't already get some sort of group rate, she should ask for one.

The issue is that Jackie was looking through Briana's phone and found an "I love you" text from an ex-girlfriend. You know, the ex from 4 months ago, the one whose house Briana moved out of in order to move in with the Jackie (within 24 hours of their first date)? So anyway, during this session, Briana is being surprisingly mature and upfront about her feelings. Jackie's acting like an asshole. I kept waiting for Dr. Shirley to call her on it but she never does, just all of this blah blah blah about communication being a skill and it's not overrated, it's a skill. Personally, I think Dr. Shirley knows an excellent client when she sees one so she just spouts random phrases from Psych 101 and sits back and waits for Jackie to fuck up her next relationship.

Bravo has no photos from this episode, so I'm improvising. Dr. Shirley's office looks like this--very shabby chic, which is a weird vibe for a therapist's office.

The impression I want to leave you with (I'm setting up the hypocrisy part) is that Jackie is wicked pissed that Briana was in contact with an old girlfriend. Jackie can't even look her in the face, she's so angry.

2. At home, Jackie starts playing mind games with Briana. This is how it went down.

Jackie (sad voice, not making eye contact): What are you doing tonight?
Briana: Probably read and go to bed I don't know, why are you asking?
J: Oh, I thought I'd go to a movie
B: By yourself?
J: Well, yeah, unless you want to go too.
B: Are you inviting me or would you rather have some time alone?
J: Whatever you want. It's up to you. Do you want to go?
B: I will if you want to be with me, but it sounds like you want to be alone.
J: Whatever. You can come if you want to but I'd rather go alone.

This is what a real therapist would call Crazy-Making! Get out, Briana!

Then there's more of this kind of conversation regarding where Briana will stay during this troubled time. Jackie leaves for her movie, and before Briana leaves to spend the night at a friend's house, she writes a tearful note to Jackie. When Jackie comes home, she reads it, then tosses it out without emotion, as if it were a piece of junk mail from 24 Hour Fitness. Cold!

3. Now for the hypocrisy. JACKIE calls REBECCA and Jesse to discuss how Briana has totally betrayed her. Wait, wait! It gets better! Later on in the show, Rebecca is having dinner at Greg Plitt's with Renessa when Jackie calls her and says "come over now to talk more about my relationship problems."

Rebecca BAILS on Renessa and Greg right before dinner is served to run on over to Jackie's. She tells the camera how Jackie is "smart, sexy and strong" and how their "chemistry is unparalleled." Then she drifts off into "I know what it's like to go through a break-up and wanted to offer Jackie my support."

So let's review: Jackie's pissed at Briana for receiving a text from an ex. Jackie invites an ex over to her house to discuss Briana being in touch with her ex. WTF, Jackie? Do you see the irony here? DO YOU? Quite frankly, you need to be bitchslapped. Pronto. I'd be more than happy to do the honors.

4. Back to the dinner at Greg Plitt's. Renessa was originally the only one invited but asked Rebecca to come along since Rebecca's been down in the dumps after a break-up (this time with a penis). Greg is lovely enough to fix them dinner, which is described by both Renessa and Rebecca as mayo, butter and a pound of salt on a little bit of halibut. They made faces of disgust, but I'm telling you right now, it looked fucking delicious. It was all golden brown and crispy; my mouth is watering just thinking about it. Rebecca and Renessa are ingrates! With food issues!

After Rebecca bolts, Renessa and Greg eat dinner in awkward silence and each tell the camera that they don't have anything in common besides that one time they slept together.

5. The Skylab reveal! This is like Extreme Makeover, Jackie Warner-style. All of the Skylabbers (participants in Jackie's 6 week boot camp) come out one by one in front of all of the trainers to show how fab they look. And they do look fab. Tears are shed by all (except me). Call me Debbie Downer, but I'm worried that they all lost the weight too fast. 30 lbs in 6 weeks? What's going to happen when there's no food service bringing every meal to your door? When hunka-hunka Greg Plitt doesn't offer to come work out with you? Good luck, Skylabbers.

6. In a final scene, Briana brings Jackie roses at her office. Jackie actually smiles and makes eye contact. There's more mind-fuckery by Jackie ("what do you want?" "I want to stay together." "What does that mean?" etc.) Briana leaves without anything being resolved and Jackie immediately gets stony-faced and picks up the flowers. I thought she was going to trash them. I waiting for her to trash them! But she just places them on her credenza.

And that's a wrap! R.I.P., Season 3.

Epilogue: Jackie and Briana broke up and Jackie was seen with L Word actress Liz Keener. Hey Liz, see you in Dr. Shirley's office in Season 4!

Friday, June 6, 2008

"I don't know if Jackie is used to seeing weiner in tight shorts..."

Mmmm, I love the word weiner! Not used nearly enough, if you ask me. The quote above is from Gregg Not Plitt, who is pictured below dressed as a very effeminate, jazzercize-is-my-life gay man. Why? Because he was forced to tryout for Jackie's workout dvd and didn't give a shit whether he made the cut or not. Plus, I suspect he's tired of being "the other Greg" and was looking for a little attention.

Well done, Gregg Not Plitt, but I have to tell you that I got even more pleasure from Greg Plitt's comment "he looked like a black Richard Simmons." So true, and just like that, Greg Plitt directs the spotlight back to him.

Here's what you need to know about this week's Work Out.

1. The show opens with Jackie's dvd producer and choreographer waiting to meet with her. Jackie's running late, and so the producer and the choreographer use that time to talk about how Jackie has no idea the work that's involved in the dvd. Then we see the producer about to leave, explaining that Jackie is 1 1/2 hours late. The producer is highly annoyed, and who wouldn't be? At that moment, Jackie struts in, no apology is offered, and she's totally not prepared for the meeting. To the camera, she says something like "I'm 20 minutes late; deal with it." Twenty minutes? LIAR. I believe the producer's 1 1/2 hour estimate on this one. Then Jackie blah blah blahs about how busy and important she is and no has ever been so busy and important in the history of the world. Jackie, this argument might hold some weight if you were, say, Barack Obama or even Posh, but you own a motherfucking gym. You agreed to do a one hour workout dvd in exchange for a lot of cash money, probably way more than you deserve. Please shut your piehole and do it, or else give the money back.

2. Okay, now here is an exclusive scoop for you all. Maybe. I think Rebecca has recently had a boob job. Compare:

Granted, they are different angles, but she looks like she's gone from A cup to C cup. My discerning eye tells me that that's not just an excellent padded bra. I googled this issue and got nothin'. What's up, Rebecca? You can tell me. Unlike your co-worker Lisa, I will not talk shit about your implants behind your back. I will do it openly, on this blog (and to be honest, I would not talk shit at all because I think they look pretty fabulous).

3. Speaking of that hellbeast Lisa! She walks into Jackie's office to ask for time off during a really hectic week. "Why?" asks Jackie. Lisa is reluctant. Jackie finally drags it out of her: Lisa is having lipo. Lisa, a regular-sized woman, who has access to a state-of-the-art gym and trainers and has been encouraged to work out during her workday, is getting LIPO. Jackie goes off! She tells the camera that Lisa's fat issues could 100% be taken care of with exercise and that she's just lazy. She then warns Lisa that it will mess up her body and that she will get fat in places she never imagined. Lisa gets whiny and tries some baby-talk flirting with Jackie but it doesn't work. You can tell Jackie is disgusted, and so am I. Jackie, why haven't you FIRED this bitch? I will temp for you for awhile if that's what it takes. Just get this shiftless, trouble-making fucktard off the show!

That's Lisa in the pink bandana, by the way. Apparently she can't even be bothered to wash her hair for work. LAZY.

4. The filming of the dvd! The producer and choreographer want Jackie to do aerobics and dancing. This is very funny to Jesse, and to me. Jackie calls it "very 80s" in a condescending tone and declines. They eventually get a more strength-type of workout filmed, with many snarky and hilarious remarks from Jesse. Here's a secret--I'm dying to try this workout. It's On Demand for those of you who have cable.

5. I think I have a crush on Renessa (above, with Jackie). I don't like it when she talks, but I love her hair and I think she has a very toned yet feminine physique. Don't get all excited; she's not my bonus lesbian pick or anything, but I do think she's hot.

6. Jackie snoops through the phone of her young live-in girlfriend with the fried hair, Brianna. Jackie finds out that Brianna has been texting an ex after Jackie explicitly asked her not to. Uh oh! Brianna's in trouble with the boss! From the looks of the preview for next week, Brianna's days on the gravy train are numbered.

7. JD goes on a blind date (set up by Jesse) and all goes well. At the end of the night, he divebombs his date with a passionate overly-toungue-y kiss, and I swear the camera and the spotlight are 6 inches away from them. Then JD breaks it off suddenly and darts away into the night. It was weird.

The Work Out season finale is next Tuesday! See you then (or maybe a little later. You know.)

Have a spectacular weekend!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

East Coast vs. West Coast

Note LuAnn doing her Statue of Liberty pose

Bravo's First Annual A-List Awards were held in New York last night (don't worry--you haven't missed it; it airs on June 12) and the Housewives of OC and NYC met each other for the first time. Jill spilled the beans to NY Mag that the two most sane people from each cast, Jeana and Bethenny, had "some problems." Sounds like Bethenny threw some of her trademark honesty at Jeana and it did not fly.

Two of my favorite comments from the night:

"Oh my God, those girls are rude and they're kind of chubby and they need Botox and they have bad teeth." ---Tamra Barney's thoughts upon seeing the NYC show for the first time. Tamra, way to come down to my level. Would you like to co-author this blog with me?

"Sometimes they interfere with my Chi." ---OC's Lauri Waring referring to the NYC cast (and if that's not the best fucking thing you've read today, then I'd like to know what is).

Oh God, IT'S ON. This is gonna be bloodier than 2Pac vs. Biggie. Bethenny, where are you and your smart mouth? Someone unleash Ramoner! East Coast, let's see some RETALIATION!

Read the whole wonderful article here.

P.S. No, I have not finished watching the rest of Work Out. Leave me alone!

P.P.S. Sarah at In the Trenches of Mommyhood alerted me to the fact that ex-OC Housewife Jo De La Rosa's reality show premieres July 21 on Bravo. Are we really going to watch this shit? YES. Read the article here and see why Slade Smiley is a supreme douche. Thanks, Sarah!

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Are you waiting on edge for my Work Out recap?

Yeah, I didn't think so, but it's coming whether you like it or not! (that's what she said.) I've only watched half of it and highlights include Jackie being busier and more important than anyone else in the whole world, my developing crush on Renessa, and more reasons to despise--and I mean really loathe--Lisa the fucking idiot hypocrite ass-face receptionist. I'll explain more tomorrow.

I will leave you with this nightmare-inducing photo of Greg Plitt and Sally Kirkland from last week, when they engaged in a really icky yoga session together. It reminded me of that Eddie Murphy-Eartha Kitt scene in Boomerang, except Greg looks pretty into it, don't you think?

Sweet dreams, children!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Mini Review for Hell's Kitchen (but mostly just a comment about how I would love to shoot Gordon Ramsay with a tranquilizer gun)

Okay, how has Gordon Ramsay not suffered a massive stroke or heart attack? I watched the last 20 minutes of Hell's Kitchen tonight and was terrified by this man. He may look like the slow-witted but kindly cook at a small town Denny's, but he is perhaps the most high strung and abusive person I have ever seen in my life. HE SHOUTED THE ENTIRE TIME. Not an "I'm a loud talker" shout but more of an "you are too stupid to live and I'd love to stab you through the heart 437 times" scream. I flinched everytime he made a sudden move because I thought he was going to hit someone or place their hand on a burner.

Also, if anyone were to ever play a game based upon drinking every time he says fuck (or any variation thereof), they would be dead of alcohol poisoning before the show is over. He's worse than the whole Osborne family put together. Half of the words spoken on this show are bleeped out.

If you've ever watched Hell's Kitchen, speak up. What do you think?

The Birds

I have done something to offend them.

I live in a new neighborhood. No trees. Yet recently my car is covered in bird crap. Chunky, shadow-casting bird crap. This photo does not do it justice.

I wash the car. It happens again. Overnight. Frank's car? Clean. Not a spot.

Birds, what did I do?

Thank you for reading Scented Glossy Magazines, the birdshit edition.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Voila, bitches!

Like many newer houses, ours has a formal living room right off of the foyer. Why do builders insist upon persevering with the antiquated concept of a formal living room? Haven't they seen Cribs? Even big celebs who furnish these rooms in high style and entertain a lot readily admit "no one ever goes in here." Give me the extra square footage as another bedroom, or tack it onto the family room or kitchen. I don't need a PARLOR, for God's sake!

Because I am resentful of this room, I have not put a lot of thought into it. It contains a mishmash of furniture that doesn't fit anywhere else in the house. The formal living room is my red-headed stepchild (so to speak; I would actually treat a red-headed stepchild with great love and affection because I think red-headed children are adorable). Here's is an example of how the formal living room sucks:

A frumpy slipcovered Pottery Barn couch that looks like ass and is used by my children primarily as a trampoline. When my sister came to visit last weekend, she basically told me that I needed to get over my feelings for this room and treat it with some respect because it is the first thing people see when my front door is opened. I was all "can't you see I've TRIED? See that tropical pillow that doesn't match the couch or the room or anything else in the house?"

She insisted on taking the slipcover off, and this happened:

This clean-lined lovely was hiding underneath. Who knew?! It's exactly the couch I would have wanted for this room and it was totally free.*

I love it when stuff like this happens.

*Now I just need $3k to get one seat cushion (instead of the three it came with), recover it in a neutral linen or velvet, and then slap some graphic pillows on there. Luckily, I have recently received several emails from a Kenyan gentleman informing me that I have inherited $800,000 "that is not drug money." What perfect timing! I'm sure I can spare $3000 and maybe even a little more to spruce up the rest of my parlor. Stay tuned!