Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Dear Harvard,

Hi! You have probably heard of me--I'm the (unofficial) new cast member of The Real Housewives of New York City. In order to cement my position, I need a high-powered job. Coincidentally, Harvard needs someone to retool its stuffy, elitist image into one of acceptance and educational innovation. I propose a partnership that will make Harvard relevant again as well as give me the respected teaching position I need for my reality show. How, you ask? By offering an in-depth class exploring the work of Kanye West.

The name of the course will be called Kanye 411, and I am uniquely qualified to teach it. I will get to the course description and a sample lecture in a moment, but first I'd like to show you my teacher outfit:

Smart and sexy, in a very understated way. It's all part of the vision I have for the new Harvard.

Here is my proposed class description:
Kanye 411
A historical and critical study of the major concepts of the work of Kanye West. Particular attention will be given to the lyrics of Gold Digger and Stronger, and the dangers of listening to Kanye at the gym.
The class will be an upper level course available to students pursuing degrees in the fields of philosophy, cultural studies and fresh-ass hip-hop (which is a new department that I will recommend be created). I believe in lots of student participation, mentally and physically, as evidenced by the following sample lecture:

Discussion and Analysis of Roboto Voice and Kate Moss Reference in Stronger

Kanye 411
Harvard University, Fall 2008

I. Watch Stronger video

II. Do you want to jump out of the building with joy every time you hear the roboto voice at the beginning of Stronger? Why?

A. Origins of roboto voice

1. Robots

2. Styx

B. Students will be asked to mimic roboto voice and also do futuristic dancing.

III. "Let's get lost tonight; you can be my black Kate Moss tonight"

A. The meaning of "let's get lost tonight"

1. figurative or literal?

2. a veiled reference to the show "Lost"

3. in the context of Kanye's life at the time

a. expressing need to not be famous

b. expressing need to get really drunk/high, which leads into . . .

B. The meaning of "you can be my black Kate Moss tonight." Is he giving permission or assigning a role?

1. What would being "black Kate Moss" entail? Drug use, killer clothes, model attitude?

2. Would you consent/agree to being his black Kate Moss? Why or why not?

3. Does the thought of being Kanye's black Kate Moss kind of turn you on?

IV. Homework essay--500 words--
Do you think that Kanye would hook up with the real Kate Moss? Support your answer with lyrics from any of Kanye's songs and the work of Perez Hilton.
V. The End

I am in the process of obtaining Kanye as a guest speaker and possible adjunct professor for the Kanye 501 class "Big is Best: Egos in Modern Day Hip-Hop". Talk about increasing your number of applicants! His connection with your university could also help with your fundraising efforts.

My salary requirements at this point would be in the $300,000 range, but my fee for this idea and image make-over is negotiable. Please contact me as soon as possible so that we may discuss this in more detail over the phone. I look forward to working with such a distinguished and venerated university. Let's make history!

Very Truly Yours,


P.S. Sorry about the gd formatting for my outline. Blogger is not cooperating!

cc: Kanye West


Elizabeth said...

Kanye + the gym = kick ass work out. I have no idea why. Stronger is a must on the elliptical. Love your blog as I watch all the same shows and laugh my ass off. Keep it up!

maddalenna said...

How'd you get so funny? Best read I've had the whole day!

Pigtown-Design said...

Have you seen this yet? It's sort of a combo of Kanye and Harvard...


Anonymous said...

How are you going to just leave out of the first lecture a discussion of all males willingness to "do anything for a blonde dyke?"

Anonymous said...

Thank you, SGM. This is the funniest thing I've read all week.

Petunia Face said...

It's official--I am 100% in love with you.

However, I contend that your class should be listed as Kanye 420 (rather than 411).

Oh, and BTW--my uncle is an esteemed paleontology and anatomy professor at Harvard. Perhaps he can get you on the tenure track...

mamacita said...

Dear Professor SGM, I wanted to let you know that I have read all of your academic papers, and I am a big fan of your work. If you need a research assistant in the Ass-Shaking Laboratory (ASL), I hope you will please consider me. Yours, mamacita

Sucker For Marketing said...

I think the outfit is the perfect way to introduce Kanye, but for the second class, you should show up in something a little more fergie-lisious.

I had a trail of tears from this post!

Only a few more days until I see you in person!

Sucker For Marketing said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
karey m. said...

i'm sorry. i'm not funny enough to even comment on this post.

your friend,
the blond dyke who'd do anything for a klondike.

{in case my mother-in-law is reading...don't worry! even though your other daughter-in-law turned up "a gaaaaaay" after 18 years of marriage and two kids, i'm holding out. staying strong. plus, your son and i have only been married for 15 years.}

jen said...

1) are HILARIOUS; and,
2) possibly have too much time on your hands

BUT I'M SO GLAD! Love checking in each day to see what your skewed brain has cooked up.

SGM said...

Eliz, mother of the beautiful Charlie, Kanye is going to make me crack my head open at the gym.

Maddalenna, thanks. :)

Pigtown Meg--omg, that is the funniest thing evah! I may have to do a separate post on it.

My two anons, thank you and there will be 2 lectures devoted to the blonde dyke verse. GENIUS.

PF, I'm in love with you too, and YES, I will gladly accept your uncle's help. I like the 420 reference!

Mamacita--fo sho! With your Kim Kardashian loving self, we will taking booty-shaking to new heights.

Sucker, I'm excited! I like the Fergie idea, but I must tweak it a bit so it's still professional.

Karey M, my love--yes, I've heard that many "turn gaaaaay" after 18 yrs with the peen. Remain friends with Uncle S, will you? He's a good one.

Jen, unfortunately, it took me about 5 minutes (or less) to cook up that Kanye lecture. It would be SUCH a cushy job for me. I hope I get it!

NOTICE: the Fresh-Ass Hip-Hop department will be renamed the Fresh-A$$ Hip-Hop department.

Jen said...

NICE! I would take this class. I almost took History of Hip-hop at UCLA, but went for Women and Music instead (which was super lame - I should have stuck with hiphop). Based on this lecture you could easily teach a class on this at a major university. If I can write a paper on why Nine Inch Nail's Closer is a love song and get an A, you can teach Kanye!

And there IS something about Kanye and the gym. He's the only artist who has more than 1 song on my workout list. For some reason his songs get me to push myself.

The Lil Bee said...

Holy f'ing s#it! Get out of my BRAIN!! My profile reads, and I quote: "She don't believe in shooting stars, but she believes in shoes and cars."

Oh, I will ACE this course, Mary! And then I will shake my Harvard-stankin' ass all over that campus. Yay-uh!!

Oh, and naturally you're up on the "nectar" list, Scenty. Obvs ;)

Hannah said...

well, since I happen to have recently acquired a B.A. in Economics with a Minor in Obnoxious Hipsters and am now unemployed with plenty of time to watch Kanye videos on youtube I will be seriously disappointed if you do not ask me to T.A. this class. Instead of check marks and Xs for correct and incorrect answers I'll draw little argyles for correct and George Bushes with word blurbs saying "I hate black people" for incorrects. Further, my guest lecture will be on "The Use of Neon by Kanye and his Contemporaries."

SGM said...


Look Harvard! People are clamoring to staff the Fresh-A$$ Hip Hop Dept. Jen and Bee have already stated their intention to apply (and I hope major in FAHH).

Take that HATERS!