Friday, June 13, 2008

Into the Wild

I am going camping for the very first time this weekend. What I fear, in no particular order:

1. Spiders

2. Cold

3. Murder

I am an indoor type of girl. While I am not high maintenance, I do like refrigeration, toilets, showers, central heating and air, television, the internet, and doors to keep out spiders, cold and murderers.

When Frank is not telling me about reports of high spider volumes near our campground, he is stifling laughter, saying "I can't believe you're actually doing this."

I need encouragement and/or advice. Please help.


Anonymous said...

Spiders, eh. not so's the rodents you have to worry about!

Sucker For Marketing said...

And the snakes...

megan said...

Oh, you'll have fun! Spiders, don't worry. Just take care of bathroom matters before dark. That means no getting drunk by the campfire to assuage your fears unless you bring some poise pads along. I hear they're just like Maxi-pads.

I *Heart* You said...

put on your best phyllis nefler ensemble and attack that wilderness with all your gifted princessness!! you can do it!*

* I have never been camping and generally think the idea of it sounds about as much fun as having natural child birth.*

*I have never experienced natural child birth or any form of child birth for that matter. It is just what I compare awful sounding things to.

jozette said...

AH! I'm going camping this weekend too! Not for the first time ever but for the first time in quite some time. Advice:

BRING BUG SPRAY. I don't know if you are like me, but skeeters make a tasty feast of my flesh.


GET DRUNK. Then the spiders won't bother you so much.


Petunia Face said...

I second the baby wipes. Honest to god, a good whore's bath with a baby wipe can restore my sanity no matter the sticky situation.

Hannah said...

i second the bug spray comment. my next piece of advice (and this is coming DIRECTLY from my experience a member of my high school's outdoors club; FYI i hate being outside) is to fill a camelbak ( with some sort of alcoholic beverage and just sip until it's all over. I've heard this ruins the camelbak but oh-my-god it's worth it.

icouldkillher said...


You FUCKTARD! Why are you making her go?

SGM, Say no. It's not too late. Frank can take the kids by himself. Going camping, for me, would be as bad as spending the weekend in a cabin with my great-auntie florence who hates asian people and birds.

I made Nathan sign a prenup..."I will not make my wife go camping..."

Nathan goes a few times a year with the guys. He comes back all dirty and smelly. DONT GO! Stay home and read People.

Frank, you break my heart. Seriously.

muranogirl said...

Love the pic of Sharpay - the High School Musical theme automatically rips through me at the sight of her-- anyone with school-age girls can totally relate!

I love the above mentioned advice of alcohol and bug spray. It totally works for me. Your inner princess will survive the trip and the dudes in your life will worship you for here on in for being such a great sport : )

Frank said...


I will be expecting to receive your written retraction of the "fucktard" comment within the next 24 hours otherwise I will be forced to seek legal counsel.

First off, this camping trip was not something I suggested to SGM. Rather, she told me that one of my sister-in-laws, who is very much an outdoor girl, had asked her about it and she agreed and thus, I was the one who was getting roped into this.

Second, I told SGM that I would take the kids and she did not have to go. I went as far as saying I would support her in any fabrication we had to come up with to excuse her.

Last but not least, SGM has turned me into an indoor boy. I was a boy scout and used to love camping. But I have been camping exactly once since SGM and I have been together as she has shown me the benefits of indoor life.


zakary said...

I actually refer to the Southside of our city and camping as "Murderville".

Take baby wipes. And Crown Royal.

And Frank is the funniest fucktard ever.

Anonymous said...

Be nice to Frank! How would you like it if your husband's friends called you a "fucktard?"

Sarah's Fab Day said...

SGM, I feel for you. I think that camping sounds completely sucky and I'm verrry interested to hear how it turns out. I'm agree with everyone, baby wipes and cocktails is the way to go.

Meg said...

1) Alcohol.
2) S'mores. They are disgusting and there are very few ingredients in them that actually come from something recognizably natural, but they a) give you a sense of control in nature and b) allow you to concentrate less on your general discomfort with nature and more on the specific discomfort of having burned the roof of your mouth on a marshmallow you cooked on a stick and c) disgusting or not, they are quite tasty.
3) A 45 minute shower when you get home.
4) Don't bring baby wipes. Please, for your own sake. For the sake of not getting mocked every time you step outside anywhere near anyone you've gone camping with... or anyone they know. A tiara, though? Would be awesome. You KNOW one of the men would end up drunk and wearing it if you brought one.

decorno said...

Camping is bomb. It's nothing but getting tanked on cheap wine (or great wine if you camp like me!) and gossiping for hours around the campfire and killing time by reading trashy magazines and finding new things to cook on the fire either on a stick or in the one pan you brought.

I am not that outdoorsy, but my mom and I started going on an annual camping trip every summer about 3 years ago and I really look forward to it now. It's fabulous.

Hope you are having a good time.

Fifi Flowers said...

wow... you're brave... roughing it for me is NO room service... I'm a princess and proud of it!

i suwannee said...


i need your info tonight to get you included in the swap

can you email me?

amber said...

I haven't actually slept on the ground for a while now, about 6 years or so, but here's what i can offer:
• bring an air mattress, you will be happy to climb in to your tent with this bit of heaven.
• bring wine - there are no time restrictions while camping - a glass at noon is the same as a glass at big party, I say.
• just enjoy the time with your family, I'm sure you'll have some memories out of this trip whether they involve creepy crawly things or not!