That quote is from me, referring to many, many things in the season finale of Work Out, the most obvious being that we will all get a well-deserved break from its uber-haughty star, Jackie Warner.
Endings were the theme last night . . . as well as new beginnings. Aw! And hypocrisy. Don't forget the hypocrisy! Here's what you need to know from the season finale:
1. The show opens with Jackie waiting to see her therapist, Dr. Shirley, for a couple's counseling session with Briana, her girlfriend of 4 months. Okay, 1) you're going to counseling after 4 months? and 2) how many gd girlfriends has Jackie taken to therapy? I know she took Mimi from season one. Did she take Rebecca? (remember that now--Jackie dated her employee Rebecca during season two). If Jackie doesn't already get some sort of group rate, she should ask for one.
The issue is that Jackie was looking through Briana's phone and found an "I love you" text from an ex-girlfriend. You know, the ex from 4 months ago, the one whose house Briana moved out of in order to move in with the Jackie (within 24 hours of their first date)? So anyway, during this session, Briana is being surprisingly mature and upfront about her feelings. Jackie's acting like an asshole. I kept waiting for Dr. Shirley to call her on it but she never does, just all of this blah blah blah about communication being a skill and it's not overrated, it's a skill. Personally, I think Dr. Shirley knows an excellent client when she sees one so she just spouts random phrases from Psych 101 and sits back and waits for Jackie to fuck up her next relationship.
Bravo has no photos from this episode, so I'm improvising. Dr. Shirley's office looks like this--very shabby chic, which is a weird vibe for a therapist's office.
The impression I want to leave you with (I'm setting up the hypocrisy part) is that Jackie is wicked pissed that Briana was in contact with an old girlfriend. Jackie can't even look her in the face, she's so angry.
2. At home, Jackie starts playing mind games with Briana. This is how it went down.
Jackie (sad voice, not making eye contact): What are you doing tonight?
Briana: Probably read and go to bed I don't know, why are you asking?
J: Oh, I thought I'd go to a movie
B: By yourself?
J: Well, yeah, unless you want to go too.
B: Are you inviting me or would you rather have some time alone?
J: Whatever you want. It's up to you. Do you want to go?
B: I will if you want to be with me, but it sounds like you want to be alone.
J: Whatever. You can come if you want to but I'd rather go alone.
This is what a real therapist would call Crazy-Making! Get out, Briana!
Then there's more of this kind of conversation regarding where Briana will stay during this troubled time. Jackie leaves for her movie, and before Briana leaves to spend the night at a friend's house, she writes a tearful note to Jackie. When Jackie comes home, she reads it, then tosses it out without emotion, as if it were a piece of junk mail from 24 Hour Fitness. Cold!
3. Now for the hypocrisy. JACKIE calls REBECCA and Jesse to discuss how Briana has totally betrayed her. Wait, wait! It gets better! Later on in the show, Rebecca is having dinner at Greg Plitt's with Renessa when Jackie calls her and says "come over now to talk more about my relationship problems."
Rebecca BAILS on Renessa and Greg right before dinner is served to run on over to Jackie's. She tells the camera how Jackie is "smart, sexy and strong" and how their "chemistry is unparalleled." Then she drifts off into "I know what it's like to go through a break-up and wanted to offer Jackie my support."
So let's review: Jackie's pissed at Briana for receiving a text from an ex. Jackie invites an ex over to her house to discuss Briana being in touch with her ex. WTF, Jackie? Do you see the irony here? DO YOU? Quite frankly, you need to be bitchslapped. Pronto. I'd be more than happy to do the honors.
4. Back to the dinner at Greg Plitt's. Renessa was originally the only one invited but asked Rebecca to come along since Rebecca's been down in the dumps after a break-up (this time with a penis). Greg is lovely enough to fix them dinner, which is described by both Renessa and Rebecca as mayo, butter and a pound of salt on a little bit of halibut. They made faces of disgust, but I'm telling you right now, it looked fucking delicious. It was all golden brown and crispy; my mouth is watering just thinking about it. Rebecca and Renessa are ingrates! With food issues!
After Rebecca bolts, Renessa and Greg eat dinner in awkward silence and each tell the camera that they don't have anything in common besides that one time they slept together.
5. The Skylab reveal! This is like Extreme Makeover, Jackie Warner-style. All of the Skylabbers (participants in Jackie's 6 week boot camp) come out one by one in front of all of the trainers to show how fab they look. And they do look fab. Tears are shed by all (except me). Call me Debbie Downer, but I'm worried that they all lost the weight too fast. 30 lbs in 6 weeks? What's going to happen when there's no food service bringing every meal to your door? When hunka-hunka Greg Plitt doesn't offer to come work out with you? Good luck, Skylabbers.
6. In a final scene, Briana brings Jackie roses at her office. Jackie actually smiles and makes eye contact. There's more mind-fuckery by Jackie ("what do you want?" "I want to stay together." "What does that mean?" etc.) Briana leaves without anything being resolved and Jackie immediately gets stony-faced and picks up the flowers. I thought she was going to trash them. I waiting for her to trash them! But she just places them on her credenza.
And that's a wrap! R.I.P., Season 3.
Epilogue: Jackie and Briana broke up and Jackie was seen with L Word actress Liz Keener. Hey Liz, see you in Dr. Shirley's office in Season 4!