Tuesday, September 30, 2008


I am alive, just very far behind on life and short on brain cells. I'd like to have a real post-- hopefully Rachel Zoe related--up soon, but you know. Brain cells. Missing. Until then,

*Feel free to skip on over to The Lil Bee, where I am guest posting today.

*If you are considering a girls' weekend, you MUST have it here. I DIE.

*The Countess of New York Housewives fame is either hitting the bottle again, or she's just naturally obnoxious. Read about it here, then cackle with delight, then come back to chat.

Ramoner is totally rubbing off on her and I LOVE IT.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Best Exchange

Shazia (to Preston): ....why don't you go do that because it's not so labor intensive. I thought that was the most disgusting thing you could have said to me!

Jeff: Shaz. Did you call him an a-hole?

Shazia: Yes.

Jeff (gentle voice): Isn't that the most disgusting thing you could say to somebody?

SGM (fanning herself): OMIGOD.

Look at that smirk! Did anyone else sense a love triangle blossoming among Jeff, Jonathan Adler and Preston? What about Eddie's gorgeous floral arrangement? It's almost like the judges were saying "Eddie, we can't have you win every time, so we're going to make up some bullshit excuse and give this one to Nathan."

I was happy to see Shaz go, but not because of the a-hole comment. What do you think?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

My arms ache for him

Jeff Lewis guest judges on Top Design tonight. (I'm totally fanning myself at my desk right now. HOT.)

Also, if you've been watching the show regularly this season, then you are familiar with the super-talented Eddie Ross. Look at him!

God, how I love me some smart-mouthed preppy gay. Sigh. Paloma at La Dolce Vita scored an interview with him, and he's just as fabulous as you would expect. Check it out here.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Passive break-ups, brothels for women and swingers!

These will be the topics of discussion on the Decorno, Elaine and SGM podcast, airing tonight at 8 PST/11 EST. Trust me, you do not want to miss it--deep, dark secrets of humiliation and lust will be revealed! Listen or call in HERE in with a story or a question.

Speaking of lame-ass break-up moves, how fabulous did Mary Louise Parker look last night? If you recall, Billy Crudup dumped her for another woman when she was 7 months pregnant.

If there was a bubble coming out of her mouth, it would say "EFF YOU, BILLY." And also "how is that nasty slut Claire Danes (who, btw doesn't even star in a hit show on cable) doing? Huh?" Most definitely.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

He's hot, but

The hirsute Adrian Grenier at the Emmys tonight.

. . . the hands of aestheticians everywhere must be tingling with desire.

We have so much to catching up to do, you guys! More soon.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


1. My computer has died. I am hopeful that I can work with Microsoft and Dell to resurrect it by the weekend, but in the meantime posts shall be scarce. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "bitch, don't be a hero--your computer is 4.5 years old. Go buy a new one!" My response to that is that I am thinking of the EARTH and trying to be GREEN and not throw away my computer in a LANDFILL just because it has most likely erased my entire itunes library and countless important documents and invaluable photos of my children. Also, I am cheap. I can fix that bastard computer!

Rachel Zoe posts will resume, and a new Top Design feature will begin, very soon.

2. In case you missed it, listen to the weekly Decorno*, Elaine and SGM podcast here. Topics of discussion last night included lots of dirty things that I can't type because I typing this at the library for fuck's sake! So just go listen for yourself.

*Go read her post for today and see what the NY Times wrote about Rachel Zoe.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


That doesn't make a bit of sense to those of you who have not watched The Rachel Zoe Project, does it? Don't worry; this recap will introduce you to The Secret Language of Rachel Zoe.

I'd like to begin by revealing that I feel a deep spiritual connection with Rachel. She is a dramatic gasper, I am a dramatic gasper; she loves Michael Kors, I love Michael Kors; she's afraid of her assistant, I am historically afraid of secretaries. It's almost like I am her long lost sister, except for the fact that I don't have her fashion sense, jet-setting lifestyle or hatred of Perez Hilton.

So let's just do a rundown of the main characters, and I shall weave the storyline therein. Sound good? Let's get started!

1. Taylor, Rachel's assistant. I hate to give her top billing, but I just need to get her out of the way. As an anonymous star pupil from my last post commented, Taylor is a "raging snatch." Her teenaged eye-rolling, ugly commentary and overall surly demeanor begs for a smack in the face. Look at this photo:

You want to smack her too, right? She spends the whole show exuding nastiness to Brad, Rachel's newly hired second assistant. Taylor is in charge of training Brad, but decides she "can't be bothered." Instead, she alternately screams at and ignores Brad, who's only screwing up because she won't tell him what the fuck is going on.

Brad alerts Rachel to the situation. Rachel initially acts all hardass--"I need to talk to Taylor IMMEDIATELY"--but then she IMMEDIATELY pusses out. Well, not completely, but she takes Taylor out to dinner for the discussion, and brings husband Rodger along as "another voice of reason" because Taylor is clearly a scary, unpredictable hellbeast. This is how it goes down: Taylor starts yelling about how incompetent Brad is. Rodger lays down the law and explains how much more efficient the office would be if Taylor would just take half hour out of each day to train Brad. Taylor rolls her eyes and shouts "FINE!" I'm surprised she didn't shout "I hate you! I wish I was never born!" before storming out.

Can't you see, Rachel? Taylor's negative energy is so draining.

Did you note how Rachel generally showers praise on "Tay" to the camera, such as: "Taylor is my rock. She thinks FOR me, she thinks BUH-fore me." Meanwhile Taylor shoots daggers from her eyes as she talks about how Brad is with Rachel in NYC and that they're probably shopping at Chelsea Girl while she's busting her ass in LA. Oy vey. This girl needs to be shipped off to one of those boot camps for troubled teens. Pronto.

2. Rachel
. The big storylines for Rachel in this episode are "expanding [her] brand," a phrase which she used approximately 42 times in this episode (still love you Rach, just keeping it real), and the dressing of client Joy Bryant for a big high fashion event in LA.

Rachel goes to NYC to meet with some suits about creating a line of everything on the earth as it relates to fashion. Personally, I think the phrase "developing the brand" would have been more appropriate than "expanding the brand," as she has no product line right now. Maybe SHE is the brand? I don't get it when people refer to themselves as a brand. Anyhow, before she meets the execs, she meets with Michael Kors to find a dress for Joy Bryant and discuss being a brand.

Hi Michael Kors! I love you! He's his usual fabulous self, and when he's describing these gowns to Rachel, she's so overcome with excitement that she clutches his hand with great fierceness. It was beautiful, and I'm sad that I don't have the means to show it to you here, where we could watch it over and over. Side note: her make-up does look a little Joker-ish here, but it didn't during the show. Girl has a heavy hand with the black eyeliner, but it works.

After they look at dresses, Rachel says to Michael, "I've seen you go from Michael Kors to MICHAEL KORS" and asks what it is like to produce a line of everything in the gd world. He tells her to buckle her seatbelt because she's going to be cra-zy busy. She asks when is she going to have a baby, which sounded like a subtle proposition to me. But really? She wants to have a baby? That kind of shocked me. She'd better get crackin' with some cheese fries because no matter how much I like her, I think she's too skinny to be making babies.

The two part with a hug and Rachel goes off to her meeting. But first, she has to psyche herself up beforehand with a call to Rodger. This is exactly what is so endearing about her--she's the top celebrity stylist in the world and is calling her husband because she's nervous about failing. She still looks nervous when she walks into the conference room with her ginormous coffee, hair, fur coat and sunglasses. But everything turns out fine, and plans are made to suck us all dry.

Moving on to Joy. Rachel works hard for the money, folks. Not only that, but she likes her clients and genuinely loves to see them "SHUT. IT. DOWN." (Rachel speak for "look incredibly amazing"). When she saw Joy wearing the perfect dress, she started to cry a little bit. I love that her job makes her so happy. And that she has cocktail rings as big as doorknobs.

I was surprised to see that Joy had lots of "fittings" (which just means she comes to Rachel's studio and tries on dresses), and that 4 hours before the event, Joy still didn't have a dress. I'd be a little, uh, FREAKED OUT, but maybe that's because I'm a midget and have to have everything tailored. Apparently if you're size 2 and 6 feet tall, you can shimmy into anything and make it work. Make that almost anything--a few gowns were rejected because they didn't fit properly. Anyhow, a red Zac Posen is the winnah, and upon seeing Joy on the red carpet, Rachel says that Joy "KILLED IT SHUT IT DOWN SHE OWNS IT I DIE."

I don't know why the repetition of her stock phrases fill me with such joy, but they do, and to hear them strung together like that--I almost passed out.

After the event, she's in her robe in the bathroom with Rodger, talking about how she doesn't want to give up styling in order to expand the mother-loving brand. I wasn't really listening, as I was trying to decide if Rodger was cute, and also whether we would see Rachel without her make-up.

Sadly, we don't. (look at her watch! I need her watch!)

One more thing--you've seen Rachel's Piperlime picks, haven't you? Of course you have. I've always suspected that these picks were made by an overworked assistant who knew Rachel's "aesthetic" (i.e. brands she wanted to promote) and that Rachel had no idea what was on that website. Wrong! They actually send her a bunch of shoes and she sits on the phone with Piperlime and gushes in detail about her favorites. God love her. (Piperlime and Rach, you'd better not be manipulating us on this one).

3. Brad. The emotionally abused second assistant. Used to work for Vogue, dresses full-on East coast, is super-gay and loves Rachel. Remember the red dress in which Joy KILLED IT SHUT IT DOWN SHE OWNS IT I DIE? Brad had picked it out of many and said to Taylor, "isn't this perfect for Joy?" and Taylor just sneered at him and told him to be quiet. The kid's obviously got talent and a sense of humor, but for now, he walks on eggshells around Taylor and tries to coddle her with jokes. Good luck, my brother. From the looks of "this season on The Rachel Zoe Project," you will experience even more suffering at the hands of Tay. You will even shed some tears. I am so sorry.

4. Rodger. Rachel's husband and business manager. The vestigial "d" in his name distracts me. Seems like a nice, solid guy and Rachel adores him. I'll tell you right now, she's so busy that I'm worried about their sex life.

He's kind of handsome, but I'm not really one for floppy 80s hair. He definitely has a Todd Oldham thing going on, don't you think?

(wtf is Todd doing fanning the cash money like that?)


While The Rachel Zoe Project is missing the rapid fire repartee and sexy hotness of Flipping Out, it is still definitely worth watching, even if you don't feel the spiritual connection that I do. The show is clearly one big commercial for every luxury brand and accessory on the earth (not to mention Rachel's own brand), but I don't even mind because we are given an insider's view of celebrity styling and because Rachel lays herself bare--she lets us see her insecurities and that not only makes her likable but also pretty brave.

Am I the only one who hopped online to shop after this show? Rachel has convinced me that I need some highly impractical skyscraper platforms. FYI, the wide-leg pant and platform pump look makes my chest constrict with happiness. I. Can't. Breathe. I love it that much.

Let me know what you think. About everything.

(NOTE: my computer is on its last leg. I had to SHUT IT DOWN (alternate use) about 5 times last night and am praying it will let me post this. If you don't hear from me for a few days, you know that I am wrapped up with the Geek Squad and/or negotiating with Frank for a Mac. Or maybe I will be curled up in the fetal position and weeping. Keep me in your thoughts.)

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Your homework: Rachel Zoe

Attention, class! It's Professor SGM

and I have your viewing assignment ready. You are to watch The Rachel Zoe Project tonight and then report back tomorrow, at which time you will be required to read and give a thoughtful and obsequious 25 word comment on my recap. Students who fail to complete this assignment will be spanked with a ruler in private by my T(&)A Mamacita and forced to contribute to the purchase of my new expensive aviator sunglasses.

Class dismissed.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Check, check 1-2 on the mic

Hello, all you people with ears! Decorno, Elaine, Harvey Millstein (interior designer/gay icon) and I* will be hosting a show live on internet radio tonight at 8:00 PST/ 11:00 EST! We will be discussing all sorts of ridiculous, dirty and disgusting topics.

Here's the deal: if you want to listen live, then click this button at 8 PST/11 EST

Listen to icouldkillher on internet talk radio

You can just listen OR you can call in and we can all chat together. For free! From the safe confines of our homes!

If you can't make it, then click that same button any time after 8pm tonight and you can listen the whole thing at your leisure.

NOTE 1: The annoying giggler in the background will be me.

NOTE 2: If Jeff Lewis of Flipping Out fame calls in, everyone will need to SHUT UP immediately as I am going to attempt to counsel him and/or have phone sex with him.

See you tonight!

*My agent tried to get top billing for me but Decorno, Elaine and Harvey's agents are like fucking pit bulls!

Thursday, September 4, 2008


1. Who's going to cover Top Design on a regular basis? Someone needs to step up, bitches. There is so much that needs to be said about this show, including how Jonathan Adler described the haphazard we-have-no-time-left placement of a mirror as "subversive." What? I don't understand why the contestants aren't given a little more time. Like just another day or so. I think that's when some real creativity could come out.

I honestly don't know how I'm not president of Bravo yet.

2. I have always wanted a "Welcome to the Gun Show" t-shirt because that joke never gets old to me. It probably does get old to Frank, as I say it to him every week while flexing my bingo arms, but I find it quite hysterical. As a matter of fact, I highly recommend doing an image search for "welcome to the gun show." Very entertaining.

You know what would be a money-maker? A "Welcome to the Gunn Show" t-shirt with a drawing of Tim Gunn in his classic hand-stroking-chin pose. People would totally buy that shit! I would also like to see a "Is this 140? It's not 140" shirt. Is anyone taking notes? These are millionaire ideas FOR FREE.

Seriously, Bravo. If you ever want to take it to the next level and make some serious $$$, you know who to call.

3. I am still searching for a new hairdresser (is that an old fashioned word? wtf are kids calling hairdressers these days?). I have not had color for 2.5 months and my hair looks like this:

Don't worry. I have an appointment for next Friday.

4. Is anyone watching Margaret Cho's show? Is it any good?

5. Remember that kiosk worker Roy who swindled me last winter? Asshole! He is apparently finished with the dead sea skin care and has moved onto another kiosk gig for which he wears a white lab coat and sells some sort of pear skin care. Has anyone seen this? Anyhow, I witnessed him charming the pants off of some suburban mom today and I wanted to grab her and shout "HE'S A CON MAN! RUN!" But I didn't. It's her journey.

6. That is all. Enjoy your weekend!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

What the hell, God?

Top Design, America's Next Top Model and Sarah Palin all airing AT THE SAME TIME? My dvr can only record two shows at a time, and then I can't even watch a third channel in live tv. I have to watch one of the two shows that I'm recording and HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? One show had to be sacrificed, which is just cruel and tragic and WHY, GOD? WHY? Maybe I should be taking this up with Comcast or my time zone, or maybe I just should have gone upstairs to watch the third show on our other tv, but I'm going straight to the top with this one. It's the only way to get shit done, you know?

Anyhow. ANTM was the victim. No offense to Tyra, but the show is on cycle 23 or something and I can read brilliant recaps at Four Four.

I haven't watched Top Design yet, so don't tell me anything. But did you know that Jeff Lewis will be guest judging this season? I can tell you who's the winner in that challenge: WE ARE. I am probably going to lick the tv. Frank recently told me that I am acting a little Mel-ish* in regard to Jeff. I think he's just jealous.

I did watch Sarah Palin, and I am going to probably lose 90% of you here, but I liked her. I thought she was feisty and tough and smart and sincere. It doesn't bother me that her teenage daughter is preggers and that the baby daddy was smacking his gum on stage, but it does bother me that she's pro-life. That alone will prevent me from voting for her, but if McCain and Palin are elected, I won't feel all hell-in-a-handbasket-y. By the way, how trashy did Cindy McCain look? I didn't recognize her at first and thought "whose second wife is that?"

To close out the most political post in the history of this blog, I present to you Frank's butt at Mount Rushmore.

He's the one in the foreground. God bless America, and please don't lick the screen.

*For those of you who do not know, this is a reference to Flight of the Conchords, a hilarious HBO show that will help you to justify your insanely high and unconscionable cable bill.