Intervention

THIS is so disturbing, I can't even post the picture. Her HEAD is bigger than her TORSO.


(thanks to Michelle and Muranogirl for the tip)

The Return of Bananas

Richele tipped us off, and I'd like to confirm that Rachel Zoe is indeed coming back for a second season of The Rachel Zoe Project. Thank God!

Before we throw on our dangly bracelets and fur, let's discuss Rachel's alleged reconciliation with Nicole Richie. How on earth do you shoot the breeze for twenty minutes with the bitch who called you Raisinface to the world? Either Rachel is a much bigger person than I (figuratively, of course) or else the whole thing reeks of fake-assery. We need NeNe and Anderson Cooper to do an in-depth special report on all of this.

Okay, now let us throw on our dangly bracelets and fur, and don't forget to DIE.

"You got me Dylan McKay's car!"

Oh, Rach! I was so very with you until you uttered these words after Rodger surprised you with a car that looks like, yes, Dylan McKay's. I wish you could have seen me on the couch, cringing at the fact that these were your parting words and that you still cling to the memory of this douchebag. But don't worry--I'll get over it. It actually made me feel a little superior to you, which I appreciated.

Can you believe the first season of The Rachel Zoe Project is over? Let's recap!


1. Rachel's perched on the kitchen counter in her robe talking to Rodger about how insanely busy she's going to be during Oscars. She's dressing 2 presenters and 5 attendees and is relieving stress by bitching to/at Rodger, who backs out of the room saying "I love you" in a quiet calming voice as if she was a wild animal about to attack. By the way, will you look at Rodger here?


A dude with a mother-effin wedge and a sweatsuit. Rachel, how the hell am I supposed to convince people that Rodger is straight when he has a wedge?

2. It's 3 days until the Oscars and there's much discussion about Jen Garner's dress (I'm going to call her Jen because I think she would want me to). She's wearing Oscar de la Renta for sure, but who knows which dress. Rach talks about Oscar's collection at Bryant Park and says "UN. Believable. It died." (that part deserved bold, don't you think?). Jen is interviewed and talks about how much she loves Rachel, she discovered Rachel, blah blah blah, I couldn't really focus becuase what the motherlove is going on with Jen's face? She seems really nice and all, but the lips? And the cheekbones? I need a plastic surgeon to consult for this blog.

Taylor tries on some of Jen's options, which include a "fairy princess Cinderella tulle dress that screams 'wear me to the Oscars please'" that Rachel thinks is more of a nominee's dress:


then there's a black dress custom made for Jen by Oscar himself but not pictured here because it's kind of a yawner, and finally, Rachel's fave:


There will be much discussion about how hard Rachel will push for this dress because although she thinks it's bananas, it's very fashion forward and the media might hate it.

Also--Taylor has a fantastic figure and even she couldn't zip these babies up. What the hell?

3. With "Jen, Cameron, Demi and Kate" to dress (who are the three others who weren't mentioned?) and their pissy-fussy-diva schedules, it's a nightmare for Rach. She hopes that Taylor and Brad will quit their bitchfighting and pull together to help her. Rachel says "during the Oscars, I literally want to cut myself in half." Really? Because humans can't regenerate body parts, Rachel. You'd just be a big bloody dead mess.

4. I have the same shoe size as Demi Moore! SWEET.

5. Jen Garner does this dramatic interpretation of the hair/make-up/stylist people who will swirl around her on Oscars day. It's kind of funny in a "The Oscars! What a hassle!" way. We see a ultra serious meeting attended by Rachel, Jen's hair person and her make-up person.


6. 30 hours till red carpet. The clock is ticking! Rachel assembles millions and jillions of shoe and jewelry looks for Jen and everyone else she's dressing. "The vision changes 10 minutes before [red carpet time] and I don't have the right stuff with me...that's not okay."

7. I do not understand why all of this is so last minute. Why couldn't all have this been done a week ago?

8. Brad and Rachel are chit chatting in the house and Taylor is huffing around, working her butt off, and about to blow. Tay complains about Brad being so up Rachel's ass. Uh, actually Taylor, that's me. Anyway. What does Taylor do? Throws a big tantrum and storms out THE DAY BEFORE THE OSCARS. Taylor's not answering her phone and Rachel is freaking out.

9. Cut to Rodger, who's surfing the internet to find Rachel's 10th anniversary present, the "same car that Dylan McKay drives in Beverly Hills 90210!" Rodger. That's the GAYEST thing I've ever heard besides "I like to lick balls." If you truly are straight (and I think you are) please make references to Caddyshack or Roadhouse next season instead of freaking Dylan McKay. Good God.

10. Tay texts Rachel to tell her that she's in Rachel's driveway. Then there's a lot of complain-whine-complain from Taylor and coddle-beg-coddle from Rachel.


Brad hears from Joey the make-up dude that Taylor stormed out because of the whole up-the-ass of Rachel thing. Brad says, "what is this? Highschool?!" Yes, Brad, it is. P.S. I think I saw some tiny sparks flying between Brad and Joey.

11. Spoken word, by Rachel Zoe, in the car:


It's Oscar day
I'm on my way
to the first client of the day

She made this up while texting, you guys! Amazing.

12. Brad's tummy hurts from the stress. Taylor snorts to the camera "Rachel's afraid I'm gonna quit but I have too much work ethic." Riiight, Ms. Stormer-Outer! She talks about how there will never be a good time to leave Rachel, so "I'll always be stuck with Rachel because I have Jewish guilt even though I'm not Jewish." Yeah, okay.

Rachel, I have a feeling you're going to laugh and blow this off, but DON'T. She's holding you hostage! Make Rodge fire her.

13. 6 hours till Oscars and I have to admit that Brad is moving kind of slowly and joking around as if he has all the time in the world (he doesn't, btw). Brad and Taylor are being civil to each other. Big conversation about the kit that they all must carry when they dress clients--it has shoes pads, nipple covers, etc. This is what we call foreshadowing.

14. Taylor is in a room with Joey and says about her kit "if Brad stole my fucking thongs, I'm gonna kill him! I hate everyone!" In my head, I heard the slamming of a bedroom door. It's like she's auditioning for the part of Sullen Teenager in some crappy made-for-tv movie about divorce.


15. We see Rodger cruising around in the Dylan car, not a care in the world, while his wife is running around like a chicken with her head cut off.

16. 4 hours before red carpet. Rach is leaving Jen's and going to Cameron's. Jen went for the black dress. Apparently Ben liked it.

Pretty, and it looks much better on JG than when it was in Rachel's studio on a hanger. Who's the blonde in the background? Do they just let anyone on the red carpet?

17. Brad is supposed to be at Cameron's but has to leave to put out another fire, so Rachel goes to Cameron's alone. I am very tense and emotionally eating at this point because I know that some shit is going to hit the fan SOON.

18. Rachel is home. All of the clients are in their cars. Rachel calls Tay to tell her that she just averted a near disaster and that Brad is to blame. Screeeeeeech! Brad forgot to leave her with a kit and shoe options and jewlery options for Cameron. Cameron never knew (she does now!) because Joey came to the rescue.


I finish a bag of chips and wonder why Rach and Joey are in sunglasses.

19. It's red carpet time. Rachel talks about firing Brad. "I want to go to the nearest bridge right now,"she says. Oh, Rach. No wonder you have an ulcer. Taylor tells the camera, "I personally would never want to disappoint her, and Brad did." And swear to God, there is a hint of a smile.

20. Rachel is ensconced in that little bedroom with Joey and Brad is escorted in. Brad bursts into tears, and his anguish over nipple covers and shoes? It darn near breaks my heart.


I'm so used to Jeff Lewis that I almost expect her to go apeshit on him. But instead, she says "it's not that bad. It's clothes. We're not saving lives." Taylor is lurking outside of the door, eavesdropping, and I'm sure she was eagerly waiting for the hammer to fall. Rachel starts to explain to Brad how everyone makes mistakes, even Taylor--and then Taylor bursts in and starts sca-reaming like a banshee at Rachel, then Brad. Brad is all "I'm going home" and leaves. Taylor storms out and Rachel tells the camera that Taylor makes it difficult for anyone to join the team. Yeah, did you just figure that out?

21. They're all inside wearing sunglasses (except for Rodger) and eating take-out (except for Rachel) when Brad texts Rachel to tell her he quits because he can't work with the RAGING SNATCH that is Taylor (raging snatch is not exactly what he said, but that was the subtext).

Taylor starts foaming at the mouth and yelling "IT'S BRAD OR I!" over and over in such a way that I think guac will start shooting out of her mouth a la The Exorcist. Rachel speaks to Taylor in comforting Rachelese: "You are my life. You do everything right, and we all know that, okay?" She gets Taylor somewhat mollified and then tells Taylor she needs to call Brad and make up. And guess what? Taylor does! She's sincerely nice and apologetic to him on the phone--there are no nasty looks, even--and Brad is back on the team. Whew.

Team Zoe is one big happy family again and they celebrate. I imagine Rodger is saying "wazzup mah bitchez!" in this picture:


But what he really says is "Tay's all grown up!" and it's pretty funny. Rodger, despite all of my concerns with your hair, wardrobe and references to 90210, I think you're a good guy and definitely good for Rachel.

22. Rodger suprises Rachel with "Dylan McKay's car" and they drive off into the sunset.



What did you think of this episode and this season? Did I overreact about Dylan McKay? Have you ever heard nipple covers mentioned so many times in one hour? Will you watch if there's another season? Tell me everything.

"What is this 'bananas'?"

Rachel talks to the LA Times about her catch phrases, being a "pox on humanity," and whether she wants to come back for another season. Read it here.

See you tonight after the finale!

"Is it appropriate for a guy to wear a big Chanel bangle?"

You know he was serious! I'm sorry about the fuzzy image, but I didn't have a lot to work with. Brad's line was the single drop of water in the desert that was The Rachel Zoe Project tonight.

Rachel had a come-apart, and it's time for an emergency SGM intervention/therapy session.


Dear Rachel,

If anyone would have told me two months ago that I'd be your biggest advocate and unpaid public relations rep, I would have told them to go smoke some more crack. I had Jeff Lewis; I didn't need another Bravo star in my sky. But then your show aired and I saw that you were a straight arrow: hard-working and generous, yet completely misunderstood by the general public. I knew that it was my life's purpose--my destiny, if you will--to show the world the real Rachel Zoe.

However, tonight I saw a different side of you. You are under so much stress that you are becoming physically ill and lashing out at Rodger, your number one supporter and love of your life. It was incredibly upsetting to me.

Let's first talk about your year long chronic stomach ache. Your doctor says it's caused by "an extreme amount of stress," which, in my professional opinion, is only half of the diagnosis. I'm sure your doctor is a very smart person, but you are obviously suffering from coffee poisoning and not eating. For reals, Rach. Please ingest more than than coffee. The Chipotle burrito I ate tonight weighs more than you do. No one's happy when they're not eating. (Believe me, I haven't had anything since a caramel apple one hour ago, and I'm miserable)

Next, Rodger. Patient, rational Rodger, whose only crime is wanting to be with you. You are obviously not paying enough attention to him. I mean, look at the feminine flip thing he's got going on with his hair:


He's so good to you, Rachel! How do you reward him? You go all bitchface on him when he says he wants to spend your 10th anniversary alone with you instead of at a party with 200 of your closest friends during Oscars season. Sage Brad hit the nail on the head when he said "Rachel has a habit of complicating matters."

You again went nuts on Rodger when he, for once, put his own life ahead of yours and went to a previously scheduled business meeting instead of an impromptu dinner with your dad. You, who always puts work in front of personal, had the nerve to criticize Rodge for doing the same thing.

Rachel, can't you see? You are sabotaging yourself, creating so many obligations and such high expectations for yourself and others that you are in a constant state of frenzy and alarm. Remember this moment?

Your "come undone" moment in your closet with Joey the make-up artist and Brad, when you were teary and overwhelmed by work and the decision to skip your uncle's funeral? You frequently talk about re-prioritizing and balance and becoming a mom, but you're not taking real steps toward any of this. Tonight when you said, "really, I mean it!" to Rodger at your intimate anniversary dinner with the camera crew, Rodger responded, "you've said this before." It's all work, work, work, with everyone accomodating you. When you finally hit your breaking point, you ask for advice, the people who love you tell you to scale back, and you turn a deaf ear to it all. What are you afraid of, Rach? Working 12 hour days instead of 15? Having sex with your husband? Sitting on the couch with a bowl of ice cream?

I hate to bring up the age thing again, but your older sister (who does she remind me of? Kind of a grown up Cindy Brady/Kate Hudson?) looks younger than you. Not so much here, but trust me.


No, no--before you call me a "dick" like you did Rodge, I still think you're uber-fab. With your big vintage watch (lord, how I covet that watch!) and your fur vests--you're so chic. You just need to take care of yourself and stop working so much. Slow down. The world will not end if you decide to cut loose a couple of clients (you can start with dumbass Molly Sims who wore the dress and the tights that you specifically advised against. Like, wtf? What does she pay you for?).

I know that this tough love from me is hard, especially since I've been living up your ass lately, but I'm coming from a place of love and concern. Seriously. I was more satisfied by The Real Housewives of Atlanta tonight, and that's saying a lot (and I'll say much, much more later on this subject).

I'm not sure if you know this, but I am self-taught life coach and I have experience with dispensing unsolicited advice to many reality stars. I'm here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on (or a wrist to put your watch on), but remember, I can't help you if you won't help yourself. In any case, I will offer you useful cliches via this blog. Take care of yourself, honey. Now please go order a meat lover's pizza.

Love,
SGM

In Defense of Rachel Zoe, Part II

The New York Daily News printed a rumor-mongering paragraph that Rachel Zoe's statement on her show that she is a triple Virgo means that she couldn't have possibly been born in 1971. Perez picked up on this and went to town about Rachel being a big fat liar, fraud, pox on humanity, etc.

If she is lying about her age, then George Washington University is in on the ruse because a GWU publication lists her graduation year as 1993, which would be consistent with an age of 37. Perez looks to have posted an old yearbook photo of Rachel which could confirm her age, but of course, he just posts the picture without any comment about about what year and what grade.

I am reluctant to become Rachel Zoe's crazy-eyed superfan/watchdog, but I feel compelled to defend a fellow sun-damaged 37 year old. SUNSCREEN WAS NOT WIDELY AVAILABLE WHEN WE WERE YOUNG, OKAY?! We have wrinkles! We are AWARE. Back the fuck off, NY Daily News and Perez!

In other news, The Real Housewives of Atlanta premieres tonight. I'm going to give it a shot. A very half-hearted, one-hand-on-the-remote shot. What about you?

"Brad, do you die? I die."

Ah, this quote is classic Zoe, uttered while she was trying on a vintage dress. Today, I was in a similar situation. I was at Target and astounded by all of the darling little jackets there. "Die," I whispered as I tried some of them on in front of a smudgy mirror. I couldn't help myself. I feel the urge to say "I die" about 20 times a day. All of the sudden, it's the only phrase in my head when I see something surprisingly beautiful.

I am under the spell of Rachel Zoe, you guys!

In this episode, The Rachel Zoe Project was at New York Fashion Week. Let's relive the magic together, shall we?

1. The show opens with Rachel spying a fur coat in a store window. "I want that white fur coat," she says. She asks the driver to stop, and she runs in, tries it on and buys it. "Oh, I feel less stressed now," she says with relief. She then talks about how shopping is what she does when she can't face reality. Rachel! It totally reminded me of MTV's True Life: I'm a Compulsive Shopper. (Did anyone else see that? The girl with the wigs?)

2. Rachel and Joy Bryant stop by Zac Posen's showroom to get a dress for Joy to wear to Zac's runway show. Zac had this rogue curl an otherwise barren expanse of forehead and it was distracting. I remember nothing from this scene, except that I was compulsively pushing my hair off of my forehead the entire time.

3. Brad meets with his friend Annabet (it kills me not to add an 'h,' but whatever) and he has on his mirror image "hug me" sweater.

Oh darling, I want to, but that sweater is eye-crossingly distracting. I can't even look at that photo without getting a headache. Anyhow, Brad tells Annabet that he's afraid of disappointing Taylor and that it's hard to know what Rachel wants.

4. Speaking of Taylor, she continues to be an asshole.


She's in LA styling an ad campaign for Rachel and has called in her "close friend" Ashley to help. She tells the camera that Ashley was up for Brad's job. She makes a nasty comment about how she wishes Ashley would replace "another member of the team" and that working with with Ashley would be "a dream come true."

First, Taylor has a friend? Second, try not to snort when you read what Taylor has to say about Ashley now (via her blog, which is apparently interview-style):

We see you working with Ashley in this ep-

I HATE that girl.

Oh.

I hate Ashley. I think she's a disgusting human being. And a horrible worker.

What happened?

It was just such a mistake. I thought she was a good employee, and a hard worker, but she just turned out to be a shitty person and a shitty employee. I am really glad that it worked out between Brad and I, because I would have killed myself if I had to work with her.

Stop sugar-coating your feelings, Tay! Jesus. Taylor goes on to say that she thinks that Ashley stole some jewlery. (But really, can you blame her? I would totally have sticky fingers at Rachel's house too).

5. Rachel attends the Oscar de la Renta show and talks about a dress that makes her want to "like, burst into tears."

6. I enjoy all of the little moments with Rachel and Brad in the car. Rachel is pounding away on her Blackberry and Brad is usually also very focussed on something, and the zero eye-contact, rapid-fire repartee is very entertaining. For example:

R: Do we have time for shopping?

B: No.

R: Well, I already bought 3 leopard coats and a leopard cape. What do you think?

B: I think you might need one more.

Okay, it's not so funny written out like that, but believe me, it was very amusing.

7. Rachel wears a beautiful white coat and talks with Rodger about being a mom and having a "bi-coastal baby."

Rodger's all "a bi-coastal what?"

8. Rachel takes Brad to the Diane Von Furstenberg show and introduces him to DVF. Brad dies.

9. The famous shopping scene takes place, where Rachel picks out 3 racks of clothing for herself in 20 minutes. This is also when Rachel gasps


and is so overcome with emotion over a dress that we think she's going to faint/cry/barf. I love her. The dangling bracelet that she wears in this scene is MAGICAL and HYPNOTIZING. Do yourself a favor and watch it in action here. You will have to put up with the bullshit commercials that Bravo recently added to its videos, but it's worth it.

Brad admits he's an enabler when it comes to shopping.

10. Rodger buys Rachel some flowers. Rachel says to Brad, "have you seen the flowers in my house? THEY DIE." She says it with the same inflection of "I DIE" and it is so fucking awesome.

11. Joy is dressing in Rachel's hotel room (which is more like a hotel palace) for the Zac Posen show and Rach tells her she looks bananas. Joy is afraid she's going to be cold and threatens to throw on a jean jacket. Rachel is mortified and finds an appropriate coat for Joy with the warning that she'd better not wear it for photos. STRICT.

12. Is Zac Posen on drugs?

13. Rachel tries on her 3 racks of vintage finds at the hotel. Her chest bones stick out and it hurts me. I want to bundle her up in a fur coat and take her to Diary Queen, where I will spoonfeed her a Reeses Blizzard.

Rachel warns Brad that Rodger will question him about Rachel's purchases and asks Brad not to tell Rodger anything. She tells the camera that some people collect art or stamps, but that she collects clothes. It reminded me of these douchebags:

who said something very similar to that. Where do they get the cash?

14. Brad and Taylor talk on the phone. The words coming out of Taylor's mouth seem to be somewhat encouraging, but she's making these ugly petulant faces (see photo above) indicating complete two-faced-ness. Poor Brad. He does not deserve this.

15. Brad's first 911! Kate Hudson needs 8 outfits selected and overnighted to London for a press tour. Rachel can't help because she must be at the Marchesa show. Brad handles it, and his own mother couldn't be prouder than I am at that moment.  Suck it, Tay.

16. Rodger catches Brad alone and interrogates him about Rachel's shopping. Brad denies, denies, denies. Apparently the credit card company called about a "uge" (also known as "huge") charge. "She's so dead," Rodger says.

17. Then there is the best moment of the show:


Brad's killer imitation of Rachel. Rachel cracks up and tells Brad that she's going to send him to shows in her place. It is at this point that I officially fall in love with both of them.

18. Rachel introduces Brad to Oscar de la Renta and Brad looks as though he's going to wet himself.

19. Rodger quizzes Rachel about her shopping (the man is relentless!). Rachel alternately avoids Rodger's increasingly specific questions and downplays her purchases while she tells the camera "I have a shopping problem. I do!" Rodger is no fool. "You're such a liar, baby," he tells her, and I think he is kind of sexy, notwithstanding the hair and jewelry.

20. Rodger is sick. Rachel has worked herself to the bone. It's time to go home to LA, but Rachel can't stand the thought of packing her millions of outfits, so she asks Rodger if they can stay one more day. Rodge basically says "are you shitting me? NO."

21. Rachel invites Brad to the Mark Jacobs after-party and he is blown away by this. "You look so handsome, I feel like I die," she tells him before they leave the hotel.

Big party scene, and Rach introduces Brad to MJ, who totally checks him out. Does anyone else think that Marc Jacobs so smarmy these days? Rodger shows up at the party even though he's sick because he wants to support Rachel. They share some chaste kisses and I simultaneously think "NO! She can't afford to get sick!" and "when do you guys have sex?" I am going on record to say that I am concerned about the marriage. They seem to have a strong bond, but the stress of her job and her spending...I'm worried.



On the next episode, Brad cries. Taylor laughs (I assume). See you then!

In Defense of Rachel Zoe (or, who the hell do you think you are, New York Times?)

I know that Ginia Bellafante's New York Times review of The Rachel Zoe Project came out two weeks ago, but I am unable to get it out of my head. To quote Cher in Clueless, it was harsh. WAY harsh, and I can't move on until I've dealt with it.

I realize that this is ironic, me calling someone else's tv review harsh. I am after all, the one who called Chris Elwood semi-retarded and Alex McCord really fucking annoying, but those characterizations can be supported by their own actions. The Times' critique of Rachel Zoe cannot.

Being mauled by the media on a weekly basis is nothing new for Rachel. Usually, her wrinkles and her weight--which have nothing to do with how she performs her job or who she is as a human being--are targeted. I understand when Perez does it; he trades in gossip and snark, which is fine. But when the NY Times stoops to this level under the cover of journalism and big words, it pisses me off.

I'd like to examine this review piece by piece and expose it for what it is: a nasty, uninformed attack on Rachel Zoe.

Rachel Zoe, a blonde with a relaxed perm and roots that are visible on purpose, is a fashion stylist, which in her fortunate case means that she dresses celebrities, reportedly for up to $6,000 a day.

Describing someone as having a perm, in any form, is aggressively insulting, and Bellafante knows this (if she doesn't, then she has no business reviewing a reality show about fashion). The "roots visible on purpose" is also meant to be an affront. You can almost hear the snort of derision as she calls Zoe a fashion stylist, as if to say "no one with such dreadful hair can know the first thing about fashion." My first response:


My second response: Why don't you try backing up that snotty innuendo? Rachel Zoe is among the best in her field. If you're going to insinuate that she is unqualified, you'd better come up with more of a reason than her hair. If you're going to further imply that she should not be making so much money, then take it out on capitalism, not Rachel Zoe.


More than any other stylist working in Hollywood today, she doesn’t merely peddle clothes, she emblazons an image, turning cipher nobodies into pretend somebodies. Although she has put grown women with viable acting careers into gowns — Debra Messing, Cameron Diaz — she is known more generally for forging a look of girlish vacancy, one that says: “I get up at noon. And then I spend my day refusing solid foods.”

She does turn nobodies into somebodies (does Ms. Bellafante have a problem with PR firms too?)--it's a byproduct of her doing her job well. People don't hire her in order to melt into the background; they hire her because they know she will make them look beautiful and they will be noticed. As for the "girlish vacancy" and "refusing solid foods," I assume this is a not-so-veiled reference to Nicole Richie. Let's take a look at what Zoe did for her.

She took her from this:

to this:


Not bad, huh? The only "girlish vacancy" and "I get up at noon" looks I see are in the pre-Zoe photo. As for the eating disorder, here's a newsflash: Nicole Richie was fucked up long before Rachel Zoe came along. She was an eating disorder waiting to happen. Same with Lindsay Lohan and Mischa Barton. Don't pin that all on Zoe.


A Starbucks cup is essential to the entire gestalt.

And your point is? A Starbucks cup is essential to the gestalt of half of the country's urban population.


Given that Ms. Zoe is already a pox on humanity — exploiting an aesthetic of dissipation, invading our collective consciousness and spraying it with dummy dust — it is amazing that “The Rachel Zoe Project,” which focuses on her career, manages to send its audience deeper into the territory of smug NPR obsessives who won’t stop ranting about triviality’s conquest of the American soul.

A pox on humanity? Really? Even disregarding the crazy hyperbole, if you're going to call someone a pox, back it up. Once again, Zoe's just doing her job. She has screwed-up, do-nothing clients (although I think most of them have been weeded out) and she has legitimately successful clients (Joy Bryant, Jennifer Garner, Debra Messing). She brings it for all of them. The ones who are anorexic and shoot heroin look like they are anorexic and shoot heroin. The ones who don't, don't. She's not a miracle worker or a drug counselor, she's a stylist.

I can't even respond to the rest of the sentence because I've read it 12 times and I still don't understand it. I think Bellafante is trying to say that watching Zoe's show is causing us all to feel doom and gloom over society's fascination with celebrity? If this is a correct translation, then to this I say "lighten up." This show is about beauty and fashion. It is escapism, and if you don't like it, then go watch whatever it is that smug people watch.

By the way, all of this criticism is pretty rich coming from the same person who called Heidi Montag a feminist hero. Talk about making idleness look chic! Heidi's the freaking poster child for that movement.



First I hated the show for passing Ms. Zoe off as an innovator when all she does is recycle a look that has held appeal since Tom Ford’s days at Gucci. Then I hated it for turning me into Max von Sydow in “Hannah and Her Sisters,” a cranky old person hungering for anachronisms.

She IS an innovator as far as styling is concerned--stylists didn't exist 10 years ago. She's clearly the leader in this relatively new field. As for the statement about Tom Ford, I'm really not qualified to comment on Tom Ford's look at Gucci vs. Rachel's look now, but isn't it all recycled? And if the look "shuts it down," who cares?

The reference to Hannah and her Sisters ALONE makes Bellafante sound like a cranky old person. This whole review makes her sound like a stuffy, you-kids-get-off-my-lawn, cranky old person.


How I cling to my memories of Diana Vreeland. Ms. Zoe replaces the fashion personality’s eccentricity with perpetual dissatisfaction. She gets upset at an underling when rain water threatens to seep into her storage closet.

Oh my God, this is so snobbish and inaccurate that I think I need to go lie down in a dark room with a cold compress. To the contrary, Rachel Zoe is impressed again and again with the work of designers and is sincere and effusive with her praise. In regard to the rain water incident, Bellafante obviously didn't even watch this episode. Water seeped into Zoe's studio, damaging hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of dresses. She was justifiably upset with her assistant when dresses were standing in water and no action was taken to stop the flooding. She didn't like how he handled the situation and she told him so. There was no humiliation, no screaming, no belittling. If that's perpetual dissatisfaction, then I'd like to know what Bellafante thinks of Jeff Lewis.


She wants new pieces of furniture for her stark, modern Los Angeles house, even though she decorated it just two years ago.

“I love our furniture,” she tells her husband, Rodger, “but we’ve had it for a while.”

His hesitation doesn’t stop her. She charges ahead and buys an expensive credenza and a new sofa that looks exactly like her old sofa. “I don’t understand saving for the rainy day,” she says. “Live now. Live every day like it’s your last day.” Her whim isn’t really driven by an inspiration for change: She wants furniture that she hopes will better brand her for a photo shoot for the British edition of Elle Decor.

Where do I start? First, Zoe said that she works in her home and needs to be inspired by what is in her home. Second, Zoe is under constant pressure to be the most chic, the most glamorous. She's savvy enough to know that if she's not perceived in that way, her business will suffer. Anyone who watches the show regularly knows that she is afraid of failure. The furniture was a way to shore up her doubts about her home. Third, and most importantly, she makes an insane amount of money. Why shouldn't she spend it on new furniture if she wants to?

I did agree with the fact that the new couch looked like the old one. But really, who cares? Her money, her couch.

Zoe's comment about saving for a rainy day reminded me of another lover of high fashion who said once that she went through money like "a bottle of scotch, I suppose, if you're an alcoholic." Who said this? Oh yes--Diana Vreeland, notorious for overextending herself in the name of style.


When Ms. Zoe isn’t talking about brand expansion — “I want to do my own clothing line. I want to do denim, obviously sunglasses, jewelry and bags”— she is expanding her own wardrobe. At Decades, a well-known vintage store in Los Angeles, she picks up another Hermès Birkin bag. One of her assistants tries to dissuade her: “You collect art. You don’t collect Birkin.”

Why wouldn't she want to do her own line? She has a highly-copied, undeniable style. I would buy one of her cocktail rings in a heartbeat. Are we to criticize her for wanting to capitalize on that? As for expanding her own wardrobe, all I have to say is "duh." Fashion is not only her job, but her passion. I would be highly suspicious of a stylist who didn't love buying clothes for herself.

By the way, buying a Birkin is actually a decent investment, and it's surely a safer place for money than feminist Heidi Montag's clothing line.


“The Real Housewives of Orange County” has led the recent wave of reality programming about mad consumption. But it’s a genre that feels downright unseemly as investment banks are dissolving, and unemployment stands at more than 6 percent. It isn’t merely that “Rachel Zoe” lumbers along, asking us to get excited about a corporate work in progress — it’s also that the timing couldn’t be nuttier.

I actually agree with most of this. I am annoyed and feel a little manipulated when The Brand is mentioned, but this is a very small part of the show. The focus is mainly on the daily life of a celebrity stylist. Ultimately, the show is about glamour and beauty, and I'm completely in favor of that.
_____________________

I was fully prepared, even excited, to hate Rachel Zoe. I expected her to be a humorless diva with average talent. But she's not. She's happy. She smiles. She laughs at herself. When you add in the fact that she loves her job and has style out the wazoo--what's not to like?

I'm not saying that Zoe is some sort of hero, only that she does not deserve to be shit upon by people who have never seen more than 3 minutes of her show. If you're going to criticize Rachel Zoe, then do it based on her work or her behavior (or just get a blog and be as irresponsible as you like). Call her out on her love of fur or her unbusiness-like valley-speak (which I happen to find endearing) but bring up something substantial. Don't tell me about "dummy dust" or isolated furniture buying. That's not only poor journalism, it's unfair. I expected better from the NY Times.

Ah, closure. Feels good. I'll have the recap from last night's episode up before the end of the week.

"JOY KILLED IT SHUT IT DOWN SHE OWNS IT I DIE"

That doesn't make a bit of sense to those of you who have not watched The Rachel Zoe Project, does it? Don't worry; this recap will introduce you to The Secret Language of Rachel Zoe.

I'd like to begin by revealing that I feel a deep spiritual connection with Rachel. She is a dramatic gasper, I am a dramatic gasper; she loves Michael Kors, I love Michael Kors; she's afraid of her assistant, I am historically afraid of secretaries. It's almost like I am her long lost sister, except for the fact that I don't have her fashion sense, jet-setting lifestyle or hatred of Perez Hilton.

So let's just do a rundown of the main characters, and I shall weave the storyline therein. Sound good? Let's get started!

1. Taylor, Rachel's assistant. I hate to give her top billing, but I just need to get her out of the way. As an anonymous star pupil from my last post commented, Taylor is a "raging snatch." Her teenaged eye-rolling, ugly commentary and overall surly demeanor begs for a smack in the face. Look at this photo:


You want to smack her too, right? She spends the whole show exuding nastiness to Brad, Rachel's newly hired second assistant. Taylor is in charge of training Brad, but decides she "can't be bothered." Instead, she alternately screams at and ignores Brad, who's only screwing up because she won't tell him what the fuck is going on.

Brad alerts Rachel to the situation. Rachel initially acts all hardass--"I need to talk to Taylor IMMEDIATELY"--but then she IMMEDIATELY pusses out. Well, not completely, but she takes Taylor out to dinner for the discussion, and brings husband Rodger along as "another voice of reason" because Taylor is clearly a scary, unpredictable hellbeast. This is how it goes down: Taylor starts yelling about how incompetent Brad is. Rodger lays down the law and explains how much more efficient the office would be if Taylor would just take half hour out of each day to train Brad. Taylor rolls her eyes and shouts "FINE!" I'm surprised she didn't shout "I hate you! I wish I was never born!" before storming out.

Can't you see, Rachel? Taylor's negative energy is so draining.

Did you note how Rachel generally showers praise on "Tay" to the camera, such as: "Taylor is my rock. She thinks FOR me, she thinks BUH-fore me." Meanwhile Taylor shoots daggers from her eyes as she talks about how Brad is with Rachel in NYC and that they're probably shopping at Chelsea Girl while she's busting her ass in LA. Oy vey. This girl needs to be shipped off to one of those boot camps for troubled teens. Pronto.

2. Rachel. The big storylines for Rachel in this episode are "expanding [her] brand," a phrase which she used approximately 42 times in this episode (still love you Rach, just keeping it real), and the dressing of client Joy Bryant for a big high fashion event in LA.

Rachel goes to NYC to meet with some suits about creating a line of everything on the earth as it relates to fashion. Personally, I think the phrase "developing the brand" would have been more appropriate than "expanding the brand," as she has no product line right now. Maybe SHE is the brand? I don't get it when people refer to themselves as a brand. Anyhow, before she meets the execs, she meets with Michael Kors to find a dress for Joy Bryant and discuss being a brand.



Hi Michael Kors! I love you! He's his usual fabulous self, and when he's describing these gowns to Rachel, she's so overcome with excitement that she clutches his hand with great fierceness. It was beautiful, and I'm sad that I don't have the means to show it to you here, where we could watch it over and over. Side note: her make-up does look a little Joker-ish here, but it didn't during the show. Girl has a heavy hand with the black eyeliner, but it works.

After they look at dresses, Rachel says to Michael, "I've seen you go from Michael Kors to MICHAEL KORS" and asks what it is like to produce a line of everything in the gd world. He tells her to buckle her seatbelt because she's going to be cra-zy busy. She asks when is she going to have a baby, which sounded like a subtle proposition to me. But really? She wants to have a baby? That kind of shocked me. She'd better get crackin' with some cheese fries because no matter how much I like her, I think she's too skinny to be making babies.


The two part with a hug and Rachel goes off to her meeting. But first, she has to psyche herself up beforehand with a call to Rodger. This is exactly what is so endearing about her--she's the top celebrity stylist in the world and is calling her husband because she's nervous about failing. She still looks nervous when she walks into the conference room with her ginormous coffee, hair, fur coat and sunglasses. But everything turns out fine, and plans are made to suck us all dry.

Moving on to Joy. Rachel works hard for the money, folks. Not only that, but she likes her clients and genuinely loves to see them "SHUT. IT. DOWN." (Rachel speak for "look incredibly amazing"). When she saw Joy wearing the perfect dress, she started to cry a little bit. I love that her job makes her so happy. And that she has cocktail rings as big as doorknobs.

I was surprised to see that Joy had lots of "fittings" (which just means she comes to Rachel's studio and tries on dresses), and that 4 hours before the event, Joy still didn't have a dress. I'd be a little, uh, FREAKED OUT, but maybe that's because I'm a midget and have to have everything tailored. Apparently if you're size 2 and 6 feet tall, you can shimmy into anything and make it work. Make that almost anything--a few gowns were rejected because they didn't fit properly. Anyhow, a red Zac Posen is the winnah, and upon seeing Joy on the red carpet, Rachel says that Joy "KILLED IT SHUT IT DOWN SHE OWNS IT I DIE."


I don't know why the repetition of her stock phrases fill me with such joy, but they do, and to hear them strung together like that--I almost passed out.

After the event, she's in her robe in the bathroom with Rodger, talking about how she doesn't want to give up styling in order to expand the mother-loving brand. I wasn't really listening, as I was trying to decide if Rodger was cute, and also whether we would see Rachel without her make-up.

Sadly, we don't. (look at her watch! I need her watch!)

One more thing--you've seen Rachel's Piperlime picks, haven't you? Of course you have. I've always suspected that these picks were made by an overworked assistant who knew Rachel's "aesthetic" (i.e. brands she wanted to promote) and that Rachel had no idea what was on that website. Wrong! They actually send her a bunch of shoes and she sits on the phone with Piperlime and gushes in detail about her favorites. God love her. (Piperlime and Rach, you'd better not be manipulating us on this one).

3. Brad. The emotionally abused second assistant. Used to work for Vogue, dresses full-on East coast, is super-gay and loves Rachel. Remember the red dress in which Joy KILLED IT SHUT IT DOWN SHE OWNS IT I DIE? Brad had picked it out of many and said to Taylor, "isn't this perfect for Joy?" and Taylor just sneered at him and told him to be quiet. The kid's obviously got talent and a sense of humor, but for now, he walks on eggshells around Taylor and tries to coddle her with jokes. Good luck, my brother. From the looks of "this season on The Rachel Zoe Project," you will experience even more suffering at the hands of Tay. You will even shed some tears. I am so sorry.


4. Rodger. Rachel's husband and business manager. The vestigial "d" in his name distracts me. Seems like a nice, solid guy and Rachel adores him. I'll tell you right now, she's so busy that I'm worried about their sex life.

He's kind of handsome, but I'm not really one for floppy 80s hair. He definitely has a Todd Oldham thing going on, don't you think?

(wtf is Todd doing fanning the cash money like that?)

_______________


While The Rachel Zoe Project is missing the rapid fire repartee and sexy hotness of Flipping Out, it is still definitely worth watching, even if you don't feel the spiritual connection that I do. The show is clearly one big commercial for every luxury brand and accessory on the earth (not to mention Rachel's own brand), but I don't even mind because we are given an insider's view of celebrity styling and because Rachel lays herself bare--she lets us see her insecurities and that not only makes her likable but also pretty brave.

Am I the only one who hopped online to shop after this show? Rachel has convinced me that I need some highly impractical skyscraper platforms. FYI, the wide-leg pant and platform pump look makes my chest constrict with happiness. I. Can't. Breathe. I love it that much.

Let me know what you think. About everything.

(NOTE: my computer is on its last leg. I had to SHUT IT DOWN (alternate use) about 5 times last night and am praying it will let me post this. If you don't hear from me for a few days, you know that I am wrapped up with the Geek Squad and/or negotiating with Frank for a Mac. Or maybe I will be curled up in the fetal position and weeping. Keep me in your thoughts.)

Your homework: Rachel Zoe

Attention, class! It's Professor SGM


and I have your viewing assignment ready. You are to watch The Rachel Zoe Project tonight and then report back tomorrow, at which time you will be required to read and give a thoughtful and obsequious 25 word comment on my recap. Students who fail to complete this assignment will be spanked with a ruler in private by my T(&)A Mamacita and forced to contribute to the purchase of my new expensive aviator sunglasses.

Class dismissed.

"Rodger's going to say you don't need a 3rd Birkin"

God, I have that same problem! Frank's all "quit buying $16,000 handbags!" Why does he have to be such a wet blanket? I guess the difference between Rachel Zoe and me is that she makes $6000 a day (read it here) and I . . . don't. Rodger, chill out and get on that gravy train, okay?

I didn't know that Givenchy was pronounced "Jhee vahn shee." Did you? We are going to learn so much from this show, you guys!

I can already hear myself speaking in her quasi-Valley Girl way: "I DIED!" and "Rodger is mah. LIFE!" Excuse me while I transform myself into a toothpick and buy a "Birk" because I LOVE THIS BITCH.

Show premieres September 9.

(People using a reader, click on through for a video full of outlandish spending and beautiful clothes/accessories that we can only dream of wearing)