Wednesday, October 15, 2008
"You got me Dylan McKay's car!"
Oh, Rach! I was so very with you until you uttered these words after Rodger surprised you with a car that looks like, yes, Dylan McKay's. I wish you could have seen me on the couch, cringing at the fact that these were your parting words and that you still cling to the memory of this douchebag. But don't worry--I'll get over it. It actually made me feel a little superior to you, which I appreciated.
Can you believe the first season of The Rachel Zoe Project is over? Let's recap!
1. Rachel's perched on the kitchen counter in her robe talking to Rodger about how insanely busy she's going to be during Oscars. She's dressing 2 presenters and 5 attendees and is relieving stress by bitching to/at Rodger, who backs out of the room saying "I love you" in a quiet calming voice as if she was a wild animal about to attack. By the way, will you look at Rodger here?
A dude with a mother-effin wedge and a sweatsuit. Rachel, how the hell am I supposed to convince people that Rodger is straight when he has a wedge?
2. It's 3 days until the Oscars and there's much discussion about Jen Garner's dress (I'm going to call her Jen because I think she would want me to). She's wearing Oscar de la Renta for sure, but who knows which dress. Rach talks about Oscar's collection at Bryant Park and says "UN. Believable. It died." (that part deserved bold, don't you think?). Jen is interviewed and talks about how much she loves Rachel, she discovered Rachel, blah blah blah, I couldn't really focus becuase what the motherlove is going on with Jen's face? She seems really nice and all, but the lips? And the cheekbones? I need a plastic surgeon to consult for this blog.
Taylor tries on some of Jen's options, which include a "fairy princess Cinderella tulle dress that screams 'wear me to the Oscars please'" that Rachel thinks is more of a nominee's dress:
then there's a black dress custom made for Jen by Oscar himself but not pictured here because it's kind of a yawner, and finally, Rachel's fave:
There will be much discussion about how hard Rachel will push for this dress because although she thinks it's bananas, it's very fashion forward and the media might hate it.
Also--Taylor has a fantastic figure and even she couldn't zip these babies up. What the hell?
3. With "Jen, Cameron, Demi and Kate" to dress (who are the three others who weren't mentioned?) and their pissy-fussy-diva schedules, it's a nightmare for Rach. She hopes that Taylor and Brad will quit their bitchfighting and pull together to help her. Rachel says "during the Oscars, I literally want to cut myself in half." Really? Because humans can't regenerate body parts, Rachel. You'd just be a big bloody dead mess.
4. I have the same shoe size as Demi Moore! SWEET.
5. Jen Garner does this dramatic interpretation of the hair/make-up/stylist people who will swirl around her on Oscars day. It's kind of funny in a "The Oscars! What a hassle!" way. We see a ultra serious meeting attended by Rachel, Jen's hair person and her make-up person.
6. 30 hours till red carpet. The clock is ticking! Rachel assembles millions and jillions of shoe and jewelry looks for Jen and everyone else she's dressing. "The vision changes 10 minutes before [red carpet time] and I don't have the right stuff with me...that's not okay."
7. I do not understand why all of this is so last minute. Why couldn't all have this been done a week ago?
8. Brad and Rachel are chit chatting in the house and Taylor is huffing around, working her butt off, and about to blow. Tay complains about Brad being so up Rachel's ass. Uh, actually Taylor, that's me. Anyway. What does Taylor do? Throws a big tantrum and storms out THE DAY BEFORE THE OSCARS. Taylor's not answering her phone and Rachel is freaking out.
9. Cut to Rodger, who's surfing the internet to find Rachel's 10th anniversary present, the "same car that Dylan McKay drives in Beverly Hills 90210!" Rodger. That's the GAYEST thing I've ever heard besides "I like to lick balls." If you truly are straight (and I think you are) please make references to Caddyshack or Roadhouse next season instead of freaking Dylan McKay. Good God.
10. Tay texts Rachel to tell her that she's in Rachel's driveway. Then there's a lot of complain-whine-complain from Taylor and coddle-beg-coddle from Rachel.
Brad hears from Joey the make-up dude that Taylor stormed out because of the whole up-the-ass of Rachel thing. Brad says, "what is this? Highschool?!" Yes, Brad, it is. P.S. I think I saw some tiny sparks flying between Brad and Joey.
11. Spoken word, by Rachel Zoe, in the car:
It's Oscar day
I'm on my way
to the first client of the day
She made this up while texting, you guys! Amazing.
12. Brad's tummy hurts from the stress. Taylor snorts to the camera "Rachel's afraid I'm gonna quit but I have too much work ethic." Riiight, Ms. Stormer-Outer! She talks about how there will never be a good time to leave Rachel, so "I'll always be stuck with Rachel because I have Jewish guilt even though I'm not Jewish." Yeah, okay.
Rachel, I have a feeling you're going to laugh and blow this off, but DON'T. She's holding you hostage! Make Rodge fire her.
13. 6 hours till Oscars and I have to admit that Brad is moving kind of slowly and joking around as if he has all the time in the world (he doesn't, btw). Brad and Taylor are being civil to each other. Big conversation about the kit that they all must carry when they dress clients--it has shoes pads, nipple covers, etc. This is what we call foreshadowing.
14. Taylor is in a room with Joey and says about her kit "if Brad stole my fucking thongs, I'm gonna kill him! I hate everyone!" In my head, I heard the slamming of a bedroom door. It's like she's auditioning for the part of Sullen Teenager in some crappy made-for-tv movie about divorce.
15. We see Rodger cruising around in the Dylan car, not a care in the world, while his wife is running around like a chicken with her head cut off.
16. 4 hours before red carpet. Rach is leaving Jen's and going to Cameron's. Jen went for the black dress. Apparently Ben liked it.
Pretty, and it looks much better on JG than when it was in Rachel's studio on a hanger. Who's the blonde in the background? Do they just let anyone on the red carpet?
17. Brad is supposed to be at Cameron's but has to leave to put out another fire, so Rachel goes to Cameron's alone. I am very tense and emotionally eating at this point because I know that some shit is going to hit the fan SOON.
18. Rachel is home. All of the clients are in their cars. Rachel calls Tay to tell her that she just averted a near disaster and that Brad is to blame. Screeeeeeech! Brad forgot to leave her with a kit and shoe options and jewlery options for Cameron. Cameron never knew (she does now!) because Joey came to the rescue.
I finish a bag of chips and wonder why Rach and Joey are in sunglasses.
19. It's red carpet time. Rachel talks about firing Brad. "I want to go to the nearest bridge right now,"she says. Oh, Rach. No wonder you have an ulcer. Taylor tells the camera, "I personally would never want to disappoint her, and Brad did." And swear to God, there is a hint of a smile.
20. Rachel is ensconced in that little bedroom with Joey and Brad is escorted in. Brad bursts into tears, and his anguish over nipple covers and shoes? It darn near breaks my heart.
I'm so used to Jeff Lewis that I almost expect her to go apeshit on him. But instead, she says "it's not that bad. It's clothes. We're not saving lives." Taylor is lurking outside of the door, eavesdropping, and I'm sure she was eagerly waiting for the hammer to fall. Rachel starts to explain to Brad how everyone makes mistakes, even Taylor--and then Taylor bursts in and starts sca-reaming like a banshee at Rachel, then Brad. Brad is all "I'm going home" and leaves. Taylor storms out and Rachel tells the camera that Taylor makes it difficult for anyone to join the team. Yeah, did you just figure that out?
21. They're all inside wearing sunglasses (except for Rodger) and eating take-out (except for Rachel) when Brad texts Rachel to tell her he quits because he can't work with the RAGING SNATCH that is Taylor (raging snatch is not exactly what he said, but that was the subtext).
Taylor starts foaming at the mouth and yelling "IT'S BRAD OR I!" over and over in such a way that I think guac will start shooting out of her mouth a la The Exorcist. Rachel speaks to Taylor in comforting Rachelese: "You are my life. You do everything right, and we all know that, okay?" She gets Taylor somewhat mollified and then tells Taylor she needs to call Brad and make up. And guess what? Taylor does! She's sincerely nice and apologetic to him on the phone--there are no nasty looks, even--and Brad is back on the team. Whew.
Team Zoe is one big happy family again and they celebrate. I imagine Rodger is saying "wazzup mah bitchez!" in this picture:
But what he really says is "Tay's all grown up!" and it's pretty funny. Rodger, despite all of my concerns with your hair, wardrobe and references to 90210, I think you're a good guy and definitely good for Rachel.
22. Rodger suprises Rachel with "Dylan McKay's car" and they drive off into the sunset.
What did you think of this episode and this season? Did I overreact about Dylan McKay? Have you ever heard nipple covers mentioned so many times in one hour? Will you watch if there's another season? Tell me everything.