Wednesday, October 15, 2008

"You got me Dylan McKay's car!"

Oh, Rach! I was so very with you until you uttered these words after Rodger surprised you with a car that looks like, yes, Dylan McKay's. I wish you could have seen me on the couch, cringing at the fact that these were your parting words and that you still cling to the memory of this douchebag. But don't worry--I'll get over it. It actually made me feel a little superior to you, which I appreciated.

Can you believe the first season of The Rachel Zoe Project is over? Let's recap!

1. Rachel's perched on the kitchen counter in her robe talking to Rodger about how insanely busy she's going to be during Oscars. She's dressing 2 presenters and 5 attendees and is relieving stress by bitching to/at Rodger, who backs out of the room saying "I love you" in a quiet calming voice as if she was a wild animal about to attack. By the way, will you look at Rodger here?

A dude with a mother-effin wedge and a sweatsuit. Rachel, how the hell am I supposed to convince people that Rodger is straight when he has a wedge?

2. It's 3 days until the Oscars and there's much discussion about Jen Garner's dress (I'm going to call her Jen because I think she would want me to). She's wearing Oscar de la Renta for sure, but who knows which dress. Rach talks about Oscar's collection at Bryant Park and says "UN. Believable. It died." (that part deserved bold, don't you think?). Jen is interviewed and talks about how much she loves Rachel, she discovered Rachel, blah blah blah, I couldn't really focus becuase what the motherlove is going on with Jen's face? She seems really nice and all, but the lips? And the cheekbones? I need a plastic surgeon to consult for this blog.

Taylor tries on some of Jen's options, which include a "fairy princess Cinderella tulle dress that screams 'wear me to the Oscars please'" that Rachel thinks is more of a nominee's dress:

then there's a black dress custom made for Jen by Oscar himself but not pictured here because it's kind of a yawner, and finally, Rachel's fave:

There will be much discussion about how hard Rachel will push for this dress because although she thinks it's bananas, it's very fashion forward and the media might hate it.

Also--Taylor has a fantastic figure and even she couldn't zip these babies up. What the hell?

3. With "Jen, Cameron, Demi and Kate" to dress (who are the three others who weren't mentioned?) and their pissy-fussy-diva schedules, it's a nightmare for Rach. She hopes that Taylor and Brad will quit their bitchfighting and pull together to help her. Rachel says "during the Oscars, I literally want to cut myself in half." Really? Because humans can't regenerate body parts, Rachel. You'd just be a big bloody dead mess.

4. I have the same shoe size as Demi Moore! SWEET.

5. Jen Garner does this dramatic interpretation of the hair/make-up/stylist people who will swirl around her on Oscars day. It's kind of funny in a "The Oscars! What a hassle!" way. We see a ultra serious meeting attended by Rachel, Jen's hair person and her make-up person.

6. 30 hours till red carpet. The clock is ticking! Rachel assembles millions and jillions of shoe and jewelry looks for Jen and everyone else she's dressing. "The vision changes 10 minutes before [red carpet time] and I don't have the right stuff with me...that's not okay."

7. I do not understand why all of this is so last minute. Why couldn't all have this been done a week ago?

8. Brad and Rachel are chit chatting in the house and Taylor is huffing around, working her butt off, and about to blow. Tay complains about Brad being so up Rachel's ass. Uh, actually Taylor, that's me. Anyway. What does Taylor do? Throws a big tantrum and storms out THE DAY BEFORE THE OSCARS. Taylor's not answering her phone and Rachel is freaking out.

9. Cut to Rodger, who's surfing the internet to find Rachel's 10th anniversary present, the "same car that Dylan McKay drives in Beverly Hills 90210!" Rodger. That's the GAYEST thing I've ever heard besides "I like to lick balls." If you truly are straight (and I think you are) please make references to Caddyshack or Roadhouse next season instead of freaking Dylan McKay. Good God.

10. Tay texts Rachel to tell her that she's in Rachel's driveway. Then there's a lot of complain-whine-complain from Taylor and coddle-beg-coddle from Rachel.

Brad hears from Joey the make-up dude that Taylor stormed out because of the whole up-the-ass of Rachel thing. Brad says, "what is this? Highschool?!" Yes, Brad, it is. P.S. I think I saw some tiny sparks flying between Brad and Joey.

11. Spoken word, by Rachel Zoe, in the car:

It's Oscar day
I'm on my way
to the first client of the day

She made this up while texting, you guys! Amazing.

12. Brad's tummy hurts from the stress. Taylor snorts to the camera "Rachel's afraid I'm gonna quit but I have too much work ethic." Riiight, Ms. Stormer-Outer! She talks about how there will never be a good time to leave Rachel, so "I'll always be stuck with Rachel because I have Jewish guilt even though I'm not Jewish." Yeah, okay.

Rachel, I have a feeling you're going to laugh and blow this off, but DON'T. She's holding you hostage! Make Rodge fire her.

13. 6 hours till Oscars and I have to admit that Brad is moving kind of slowly and joking around as if he has all the time in the world (he doesn't, btw). Brad and Taylor are being civil to each other. Big conversation about the kit that they all must carry when they dress clients--it has shoes pads, nipple covers, etc. This is what we call foreshadowing.

14. Taylor is in a room with Joey and says about her kit "if Brad stole my fucking thongs, I'm gonna kill him! I hate everyone!" In my head, I heard the slamming of a bedroom door. It's like she's auditioning for the part of Sullen Teenager in some crappy made-for-tv movie about divorce.

15. We see Rodger cruising around in the Dylan car, not a care in the world, while his wife is running around like a chicken with her head cut off.

16. 4 hours before red carpet. Rach is leaving Jen's and going to Cameron's. Jen went for the black dress. Apparently Ben liked it.

Pretty, and it looks much better on JG than when it was in Rachel's studio on a hanger. Who's the blonde in the background? Do they just let anyone on the red carpet?

17. Brad is supposed to be at Cameron's but has to leave to put out another fire, so Rachel goes to Cameron's alone. I am very tense and emotionally eating at this point because I know that some shit is going to hit the fan SOON.

18. Rachel is home. All of the clients are in their cars. Rachel calls Tay to tell her that she just averted a near disaster and that Brad is to blame. Screeeeeeech! Brad forgot to leave her with a kit and shoe options and jewlery options for Cameron. Cameron never knew (she does now!) because Joey came to the rescue.

I finish a bag of chips and wonder why Rach and Joey are in sunglasses.

19. It's red carpet time. Rachel talks about firing Brad. "I want to go to the nearest bridge right now,"she says. Oh, Rach. No wonder you have an ulcer. Taylor tells the camera, "I personally would never want to disappoint her, and Brad did." And swear to God, there is a hint of a smile.

20. Rachel is ensconced in that little bedroom with Joey and Brad is escorted in. Brad bursts into tears, and his anguish over nipple covers and shoes? It darn near breaks my heart.

I'm so used to Jeff Lewis that I almost expect her to go apeshit on him. But instead, she says "it's not that bad. It's clothes. We're not saving lives." Taylor is lurking outside of the door, eavesdropping, and I'm sure she was eagerly waiting for the hammer to fall. Rachel starts to explain to Brad how everyone makes mistakes, even Taylor--and then Taylor bursts in and starts sca-reaming like a banshee at Rachel, then Brad. Brad is all "I'm going home" and leaves. Taylor storms out and Rachel tells the camera that Taylor makes it difficult for anyone to join the team. Yeah, did you just figure that out?

21. They're all inside wearing sunglasses (except for Rodger) and eating take-out (except for Rachel) when Brad texts Rachel to tell her he quits because he can't work with the RAGING SNATCH that is Taylor (raging snatch is not exactly what he said, but that was the subtext).

Taylor starts foaming at the mouth and yelling "IT'S BRAD OR I!" over and over in such a way that I think guac will start shooting out of her mouth a la The Exorcist. Rachel speaks to Taylor in comforting Rachelese: "You are my life. You do everything right, and we all know that, okay?" She gets Taylor somewhat mollified and then tells Taylor she needs to call Brad and make up. And guess what? Taylor does! She's sincerely nice and apologetic to him on the phone--there are no nasty looks, even--and Brad is back on the team. Whew.

Team Zoe is one big happy family again and they celebrate. I imagine Rodger is saying "wazzup mah bitchez!" in this picture:

But what he really says is "Tay's all grown up!" and it's pretty funny. Rodger, despite all of my concerns with your hair, wardrobe and references to 90210, I think you're a good guy and definitely good for Rachel.

22. Rodger suprises Rachel with "Dylan McKay's car" and they drive off into the sunset.

What did you think of this episode and this season? Did I overreact about Dylan McKay? Have you ever heard nipple covers mentioned so many times in one hour? Will you watch if there's another season? Tell me everything.


karey m. said...

i'm sick as a dawg. and this is the best 15 minutes i've spent in at least four days. xoxo.

Anonymous said...

I loved it all. I can't believe it was over so quickly. Rachel is no the troll I thought she was so yay. Rodger is so cute. Tay, well, biotch. And Brad is just adorable. He does need to climb out of her ass and do some work though.

The whole thing was just bananas.

Anonymous said...

I wish I was a gay man so that I could be with Brad.

D Baker Photography said...

Love the blog- so much fun from another perspective. FUN- "I die!"

Anonymous said...

Another hilarious--and SPOT ON--recap. Thanks for making coffee almost come out my nose on this one. It's a great way to start the day.Yes, I would absolutely watch another season of RZ but only if you promise to continue to recap the episodes. Rodger's gotta lose that Dorothy Hamill look he's got going on. Why hasn't Rachel stepped in on this yet? Too busy with the Oscars, maybe...

I *Heart* You said...

I knew your title would be the dylan mckay car quote!! It was the best quote of the show!! Don't you love how she said it kind of whimpering like a 90210 obsessed teenager? Awesome recap. I hope she gets a second season because I need more of your take on Team Zoe. You are bananas.

Paloma said...

I really hope the show gets picked up for another season because I loved it! Taylor really is so awful. Does she not want any friends or a boyfriend? Who in the hell would want to hang out with her.

Brad is the best. He is so sweet and adorable...and Funny! He has some great one-liners. I definitely sensed a spark between him and Joey, too.

Great Recap!

rachie! said...

I had a whole comment and then it didn't take! Crap!
1) It seemed like RoDger was kind of making fun of 90210 and Rach's obsession. He looked like either of homosexual or a mid-life crisis driving that car around. Plus Rachel never drives herself anywhere anyway.
2) Totally sparks between Joey and Brad. Brad is adorable. I loved when his glasses fogged up. How could Rachel yell at adorable fogged up glasses Brad? She couldn't.
3) I'm wondering if Taylor is really a bitch or if Bravo is that good with the editing. Seems to me that she has a dark sense of humor and is very sarcastic. But I totally wanted her to get fired on the finale.
4) I will come to LA and make you people some damn kits. I'm organized as hell. They will have LISTS in them so you can check everything off and never have to run around like a chicken with its head cut off. In addition to this, there will be a kit for each PERSON YOU ARE WORKING FOR which includes their essential items, rather than a kit for Brad, Taylor and apparently Rachel doesn't feel the need to take her own kit? WTF?

Anonymous said...

I actually thought the "Dylan McKay's car" remark was kinda sweet.

As for Brad, I really liked him in the beginning but since the last 2 episodes he just irks me to no end. He seems incredibly incompetent and overly sensitive. Rachel has no backbone, I would have FIRED him the moment he started w/ that woe-is-me melodrama after HE screwed up, espcially since it wasn't the first time.

Taylor is annoying but she works hard and gets the job done --can't say the same for Brad. Since Rachel clearly likes having him around, perhaps he could be her gay husband and then she could hire a new assistant without having to let his behind go.

Jennifer said...

As much as I like the Zoe, I can't help but think that Brad is the loveable star of the show, with his sweet naivete and his overall adorableness. The whole thing about Dylan McKay's car was beyond ridic.

Abby Haymore said...

I knew you would use it! I thought it was kinda amusing that she liked 90210 and always wanted his car...i am team rodger all the way. every time brad said nipple covers i lost it. and what kind of stylist just doesn't have a closet full of kits??? those things should be premade like on non busy days when they are just organizing the racks...hello?? but Brad did F up when he was leaving Cam's and put both those kits back in his car...oh well too late now, but sure made for some good tv.
thanks sgm fab recap.
skanks for nothing!

pam said...

I love, love, love this show, and most definitely would watch if there's a second season.
As for Jennifer's face-She looked the same a zillion years ago on "Felicity," albeit a little less cheek-boney- but girlfriend obviously has 0 body fat, if waif-like
Taylor couldn't zip up her dress, which could explain the cheekbones-a-pop'in.

Kate said...

Not only do you make me REALLY laugh but, you make me feel better about my Bravo addiction. My only question is... Do you not watch Project Runway?

Anonymous said...

*Do not read if you are a Brad-lover- this will make you mad* I think that Brad has a whole act down and knows exactly what he is doing. There is just no way he is as naive as he portrays. He is just working it. So props for him if Rachel hires someone to do all of his sh*t work for him and keeps him around to kiss her booty and a little eye candy with his little glasses and outfits. I understand Taylor b/c she has been saying "hey- he's going to drop the ball over and over (obviously)" and then sure enough he does and then she just hears Rachel telling him its ok and coddling him like a little baby. He should cry- it does not seem that challenging to have a little kit for each client. I mean what else is he supposed to be doing. Isn't that basically what is job is? I just don't understand. Also, I agree with SGM's no.7. Why does it all have to happen the day of? Can they not plan it out before?

Pink Wallpaper said...

i love the thought of rodger saying "wazzup mah bitchez"...only, i don't know if he is quite cool enough to spit out that phrase. i am actually surprised at how nice rachel is. i really liked the show and i hope it comes back. however, i think taylor is an evil person and i hope she watched the show and saw how terrible she is to people!! poor bowtie wearing brad...

Richie Designs said...


The dylan mckay thing is horrid. The "Bathtub" Porsche, as it's sometimes called, demands more respect than the dylan mckay car. I'm a car saddens me to no end.

Love Love Love Brad - but forgetting a kit is like forgetting your pants as a stylist. I don't know what he was thinking.

They HAVE to have more assistants that we can't see...I've never seen someone with that much work operate like that. They need my producing skills to get them buttoned up and organized -but I've said that before. Zoe hire me!! I think 10 steps ahead of everyone and can pack truckloads of wardrobe like no one's biz.

ok Tay's car? I'm a little jelly...she's what 25? driving a F*ing X3 or a Rover? I forget which...meanwhile I'm driving my shitty 12 year old CRV. I'm so not in the right business.

btw Tay has a right to be pissed he's not carrying the load like he should but she needs to be barking orders to him.

J said...

you make my head explode with laughter. i love your recaps - BANANAS!

amber {daisy chain} said...

I freakin' LOVE this show and I'm tres bummed that it's over. All I can say after your perfect re-cap would be this:
1. Taylor scares me. No, really, I know she's got some issues and all, but still, SCARY.
2. I don't think Rachel could be married to anyone else other than Rodger, he gets her nutty-ness and thinks it's cute.
3. Poor Brad. Rachel needs to stop thinking Tay is her life blood. She'll probably get the hint after watching this episode.

Ava said...

Let's be honest (to quote Michael Kors), this finale was far more exciting than the Project Runway finale.

My love for Brad could move mountains. I think Brad and Joey have been "sparking" (if THAT'S what the kids are calling it these days) since Fashion Week. But the little hug before Brad went out was super sweet. I squeeled.

EVERYTHING that Tay said made me want to throw a brick at her face. Such an ungrateful, spoiled bitch. I. am. sorry. She is the reason I have no desire to ever go to L.A. I have this ominous feeling that that is the overarching attitude.

Rachel is bananas. The show was fab.
SGM, you are a genius. MWAH.

Brittany said...

BRAD. My darling Brad. I love him, I want one for myself, I was on the verge of tears when he cried, and quit.

And I love the idea of him and Joey. I was so happy when Joey stood up for him.

Rachel...Rachel....I love her. If the show does not have a second season...I will die. I die. Die. :)

That car was so gorgeous....and I still want to slap Tay. Or just brush her hair. I'd be satisfied with that.

This, I believe, is my longest comment yet. This show is just plain fabulous, and this, along with my Project Runway, will be severely missed during the next few months. I think the void may be filled whenever our NYC girls come back. How I long to scream "Ramoner" at the tv.

Brittany said...

AND I loved Jen Garner with the hands up by her eyes, "LOT'S OF EYELASHES!" I absolutely lost it.

Sarah's Fab Day said...

I adore Rachel Zoe and didn't think it was weird that she wanted Dylan McKay's car. In fact I kinda liked the fact that she still swoons over some old show (not just Birkins and furs), makes me relate.

I did laugh quite a bit at Taylor because she was spot on when she called Brad Rachel's gal pal. Funny stuff.

I will most def be watching the next season, let's cross our fingers there will be one. I will miss my darling Brad & Rachel and maybe even Taylor a little bit.

Sabrina said...

I read your blong and love it.

I had to share something about darling Brad.

Go there, and look that the images from June 8, 2003...five years sure does change a person!

And why is he posing with Amber Valetta?

I also hope there's a Season Two.

crabapple said...

I love this show...but I hate how Bravo gets us hooked on a show, then leaves us hanging for months waiting for a new season or to hear if there even will be a new season. This happened to me with Housewives of OC, Flipping Out, and now I am hooked on the Zoe.

Anonymous said...

OK, I want to know why Brad was the only one without a full glass of champagne at the end (yes, I rewound to make sure). Is he a former drinker? Anyone?

the glamourai said...

SGM, you die.

Anonymous said...

I love you. You drive me bananas.

-- Posh.Provocateur

beachbungalow8 said...

well, you know what stuck out to me. 'brad or i, brad or i' did they not require english 101 at tarzana high?

also, loved that sgt peppers jacket on 'TAY'

Anonymous said...

that's jennifer garner?? yikes...she looks like teri hatcher in that picture. not good.

Anonymous said...

that's jennifer garner?? yikes...she looks like teri hatcher in that picture. not good.

Anonymous said...

i think brad was hired just for the show...notice he started when the show started? and i mean, this is bravo, i think it's in their charter that every show must have at least one gay guy (gay women, optional), unless it's law & order csi.

brad's cute and he's good tv, he's a good sidekick for rachel, but he doesn't seem to be a great assistant (like the problem with the rain and the flooding...he sort of just stood there and watched until he wandered away. i would have KILLED him for that!!)...and it would also explain why tay hates him so much (well, that and she's not a very nice girl).

Joslyn said...

you know i love it...i got totally sucked in and will watch again fo sho...

Anonymous said...

"It's Brad or ME!!!!!!". The grammatical incorrectness killed the drama she was going for.

SGM said...

Oh, I agree with you all on so many levels!

--YES, all successful Bravo shows have a darling/hot gay guy. That's why Jo and Slade's show was a bomb (just kidding! No one could have saved that wreck)

-the hiring of Brad was def conveniently timed

--Rach needs a 3rd assistant to make 100s of kits and schlep garment bags (or whatever it is that Tay hates to do)

--I will check Brad's champagne scene. very interesting.

--I can't BELIEVE those photos that Sabrina linked to above--those pictures don't look like the same person at all!

--Yes, I do watch PR but would never ever be able to compete with the brilliance of TLo over at Project Rungay. Out of my league.

I love Bravo reality too much.

The Lil Bee said...

AH!!! Once again, you kill me. Between TAY (the nickname just cuts right through me) and that being the gayest thing you've ever heard besides, "I like to lick balls!" I am howling over here!!!

I will totally watch next season if there is one. How can there not be? Bitch coined about fifty new phrases in a 10-week stint. LOVE!

Brilliant Asylum said...

Oh how I want to gag Taylor with her Missoni scarf. I won't miss her, but I will miss Rach, Rodge, Brad--and especially your recaps!

Anonymous said...

Yes I would watch another season.
I haven't checked your blog in a while so I didn't know you were reviewing it. The things about the show that struck me were-
The fact that Rodger is a venture capitalist and he is almost always wearing a hoodie.
Taylor complaining about how no one showed her how to make a kit she just did it.

Mommy2lilgems said...

ok, I'm loving your posts...they are hilarious! I burst out in laughter several times!!

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