Hey everyone!

1. Clear your schedules--Bravo will be showing The Real Housewives of OC Lost Footage Special TONIGHT. Here's a clip:




(How OVER IT is Andy Cohen?! Love him.)

2. This should be good--next week on the Today Show, dumbasses Hoda and Kathie Lee will be co-hosting with a different Housewife each day. !!!! Bethenny on Monday, Danielle on Tuesday, NeNe on Wednesday and Tamra on Thursday. I hope none of them hold back if Kathie gets lippy.

3. I hope to be back to my regular posting next week. Or maybe I will just continue to be an irresponsible blogger. I have no idea. Just please know that it has nothing to do with you. SGM loves you; never forget it.

"So we're in a no-skank zone?"

Heh.


Andy Cohen, my darling, tonight you became a man. Right in front of our own eyes! It was like you were Bravo's own Katie Couric, asking the tough questions and letting the women expose themselves for what they are--heartless (Vicki), petty (Tamra), enabling (Jeana), suspicious (Gretchen), and a too tan but harmless (Lynne).

Here are the highlights of the juicy Real Housewives of Orange County reunion:

1. Kara received a boob job for graduation. I KNEW IT! I just fucking dug through my trash to find my notes from the Berkeley episode, in which I wrote "DID KARA GET BOOBS?" Ah, I feel so vindicated!

2. Tamra's going to be selling her removed implants on ebay. Ew, isn't that medical waste or something? Is that legal?

3. Gretchen tearfully talks about final days with Jeff. Check out Vicki and Tamra's expressions:


I had Tamra's same pinched look on my face when I was watching the Countess order pizza under the name of "Mrs. de Lesseps." (could you effing believe that, btw?) Tamra and Vicki's hostile demeanor during this part--FORESHADOWING. Andy tries to pin Gretch down on how much money Jeff left her, but she is evasive: "not millions and millions." wtf does that mean? Can you afford boobs or not, Gretchen?

4. Remember this moment?


Drunk Ryan has just revealed his nugget tattoo to drunk Tamra, who finds comfort in the arms of drunk Vicki. They boozily cry and hug and utter words of never-ending friendship. It is an absurd, embarrassing scene, but when this clip is shown at the reunion, Tamra exclaims, "that's my favorite scene ever!"

Of course it is.

5. Andy asks (via viewer email) if sometimes the women go too far with the revealing outfits and titties galore. Vicki says, "there's a time and a place for it." For work, she claims, she dresses professionally. That's why she wore this:


to a business dinner. BUSTED.

Gretch says "we're sexy but we're still classy." Andy, with a gleam in his eye, confirms, "so we're in a no-skank zone?" Hmm. I'd say that's open for debate, at least in the case of Tamra.

6. We see a montage of Vicki and Tamra being AWFUL toward Lynne behind her back. Vicki brushes it off, "we're not mean!" Andy comes back with an incredulous, "you don't think you're mean?!" Then Tamra basically says that Lynne is a dumbass. Lynne fires back with a "and you're a real rocket scientist" and Vicki's eyes almost pop out of her head, as if Lynne was hitting below the belt. Andy calls that bullshit out and Vicki quiets down. Go Andy, go Andy, go go go Andy!

Wrapping this topic up (for now), Andy says to Lynne, "to clarify, you're not at home sucking on a bong all day." Lynne confirms that she is not. Ha!

7. Andy brings up the Gretchen copycat business. Remember that? Tamra thinks Gretchen "copied" her because Gretchen expressed a desire for a pink motorcycle. Andy says about Gretchen "so she's either All About Eve, or Florence Nightengale." Gretchen's all "what's that?" Anyone who has attended Baylor University (Gretchen's alma mater), please rip up your diplomas.

8. Jeana makes Lynne cry and I simply can't relive it in writing or otherwise. In fact, I must make my own amends to Lynne. I am sorry, Lynne. I think that you are basically a kind person, and the only time I hear you talking shit is when you are defending yourself from an attack by the bullies/axis of evil/Tamra and Vicki.

Feel free to watch the painful moment here.



9. Andy brings up Tamra's etiquette dinner, and Tamra actually admits that she was completely embarrassed and ashamed of her behavior in that episode. Watch her apparently sincere mea culpa here.

10. Now for the JUICE! Tamra said in the last episode that she thinks that Gretchen's relationship with Jeff was a sham and that Gretchen was a paid companion. Andy investigates! In a nutshell, Tamra claims that a man named Jay called her in the middle of the night (during the filming of season 4) claiming to be Gretchen's boyfriend and said that he was ready to out Gretchen for the fraud she is. Gretchen and Tamra talked the next day, and Gretchen said "yeah, it's a long story, he's a stalker."

Tamra gets another phone call from Jay, and this time Simon talks to him for AN HOUR about their relationship and Gretchen's fakey relationship with Jeff.

!!!!!

Wait, wait! It gets even more interesting. Andy asks Gretchen about this, and she says that yes, she used to date him but now they are just really good friends. "Did he go to Bass Lake with you?" Tamra asks. Gretchen says yes, and that he's a really good family friend.

"So what is he, Gretchen? A stalker or a really good friend?" asks Tamra. She has a point.

Then they fight, as seen here. Wasn't Tamra creepy when she was shouting "THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!" Dude, I thought she was going to start speaking in tongues next, but instead she checks her cell phone. (so many of you mentioned this, and I have to admit, it was the best part of that clip.) Tamra adds that Jeana saw Jay's clothes on Gretchen's bedroom floor. Jeana corroborates this, but how would she know whose clothes are on Gretchen's floor? Did he have name tags sewn in? Gretchen says as much. Andy asks direct questions.

Andy: "are you single?"

Gretchen: "yes."

Andy: "this man is not your boyfriend?"

Gretchen: "no"

Tamra: "DO YOU SLEEP WITH HIM?"

Gretchen: "No!"


After this scene, I think lie detectors should be required at all reunion shows.


11. Lauri was on too, but a big yawner. Andy hands out somewhat degrading t-shirts for everyone,

and then they all (except for Gretchen) do tequila shots. Andy even did one, and also cajoled Vicki into doing a WOO HOO.


So that's it! Good riddance to these bitches, at least until season 5. What do you think of the Gretchen business? I hope she's not dating that dude, because he sounds like an asshole. Tell me what you think!

UPDATE: the internet is abuzz with news of Gretchen's alleged relationship. Looks like Jay was sending emails to the media before the reunion aired (see here). Nice guy.

Tamra and Vicki are despicable

I cannot get this preview clip from the reunion out of my head. I'm not sure what's worse--Tamra's vicious attack on Gretchen, or Vicki's smug smile as it's all going down.

I'd post the video for you here, but the embed functionality at the new Bravotv.com isn't up and running yet. But really--click on the link. Appalling.

"If you can get one more dancer off those poles, then you're doing the right thing."

Is there any doubt AT ALL as to what is about to come out of Vicki's mouth? (I'm totally rolling my eyes and shaking my head right now). Here's the deal: Vicki inadvertently lured a stripper to her expensive insurance seminar and as a result thinks she's humanitarian of the year. I wonder if that's why she's showing so much cleavage--it must be her way of showing support for strippers everywhere. Let's hear a big tired WOO HOO for Vicki. I'm sure she'll give herself some sort of fakey-fake award to recognize all of her inspirational work in this area.

Speaking of awards, look who finally has her shit together and is posting this RHOC recap in a somewhat timely manner? Trophies for everyone! Let's get to it:

1. Vicki has started a business called L.I.F.E. (Living Inspired and Fully Engaged) with Vicki. Oh my God, the IRONY. Why would anyone be attracted to the concept of Life with Vicki? In fact, I think most people (including Vicki's husband and children) are desperately trying to escape Life with Vicki. And the "fully engaged part"? Ha! The only time I've ever seen Vicki fully engaged is when she is conniving to sell the family vacation home in Havasu in order to buy herself that yacht.

So anyhow, Vicki is conducting a L.I.F.E. with Vicki seminar on a cruise ship, the purpose of which is to train people to become angry, narcissistic, pseudo workaholics successful insurance salespeople.

"...And then I told Gretchen to put the pen in Jeff's bony hand and make that fucker sign the life policy!"

Donn is there, as well as Vicki's son Michael and Michael's friend Rees. Vicki has paid for Michael and Rees to go on the cruise, laboring under the illusion that they are actually interested in the insurance business. If Vicki is so "fully engaged," how is it that we know Michael hates insurance and she doesn't?

Vicki needs more attention, so she climbs a rock wall on the ship and SURPRISE, makes a big dramatic production out of it. She actually gives instructions to the rock wall worker, saying "I don't want to get hurt, I want everything to be calm." Then she proceeds to SHRIEK all the way up, as if someone is poking her in the ass with an electric cattle prod the entire time.


Good God. Listen, I have recently climbed a rock wall. It is scary. But there is no need to scream on the way up. Personally, I find that whispering "fuckfuckfuck" to the wall is a much more dignified way to handle fear.

2. Jeana's helping Kara moving back to Berkeley. Yawn.

3. Jeff's back in the hospital and Gretch takes a trip to Dallas to visit college girlfriends. The friends talk about how CRAZY Gretchen was in college--she actually put lemon juice in her hair!

So wild.

4. Tamra and her kids go to Iowa to visit her dad. The story is that after dad divorced Tamra's mom, he married the mom's best friend. Then they divorced and now he's living with another lady. This is all just background for A Very Revealing and Tender Reconciliation later in the show.

5. Frankie, Jeana's interior designer friend, is driving up to Berkley with Jeana and Kara to help with the move. Jeana and Kara are fighting SO MUCH over Kara's speedy driving--I'm surprised Frankie didn't take his chances and jump out of the car. Btw, do you remember how Jeana and Frankie became friends? He was a fan of the show and emailed her. Sigh. If only it were that easy with Jeff Lewis.

6. Lynne and husband Frank go away to San Diego for the weekend. In a discussion about their out-of-control teenagers, Lynne tells Frank that Raquel ran into the neighbor's Winnebago or something--did anyone catch this? Lynne was being strangely vague/mumbly about it (or maybe she had just smoked too much of the ganja). Then they talk about how Lynne found cigarettes in Alexa's purse. "I don't think they were hers," Lynne says, "I think she was just holding them for someone else." Frank agrees, so yes, they are both complete idiots (or stoners).

Lynne wonders what the girls are doing--cut to Lynne's house where we see Raquel playing poker. I was all "ooooh, Raquel's gonna drink and wreck some shit! I can't wait!" But then the camera pans out and ...

GRANDMA'S THERE! She won't let them drink, but she will let them do something that Lynne forbids: make brownies. No kidding--the girls said that they normally can't do this at their house because Lynne says it's too fattening. You know what else Lynne won't allow in the house because it's too fattening? FOOD.

Back to Skinnypants and Frank, who are engaging in some sort of foreplay that we really don't need to see.

Frank says he wants Lynne to give him a pole dance (barf), and Lynne says "did you bring a pole?" What's up with all of the stripper pole talk in this episode? Was Bravo offering a year of free indoor tanning to any cast member who managed to work it into a conversation?

7. Kara and Jeana are in Berkeley, and I'm dying to see the apartment because they're describing it as having an upstairs and a downstairs (both of which are Kara's) and a doorman, but it is never shown. Disappointing.

8. Tamra, her kids, her dad and some extended family meet at a hibachi grill (YES, in Iowa). This is where it kind of gets good. Ryan is talking, nay, flirting with Tamra's cousin who is probably late 40s and, truth be told, a little rough and slutty looking. The sexiness of their conversation is so overt that Tamra at one point has to yell down the table "RYAN, she's RELATED to you." Yikes.

Anyhoo, it gets better. The cousin offers to show Ryan her "mouse tattoo." She pulls down the side of her pants, below hip area (AT THE TABLE) and Ryan says he can't see anything, just underwear. "Damn," says the cousin, "pussy must've ate it." OMG. I can't decide whether that's hilarious or appalling.

9. Now we see a meeting room on the cruise ship with about 75% of the chairs empty. It's one of Vicki's riveting seminars and she's asking all seven of the attendees to tell their life stories. One woman says that when she got pregnant in college, she made the (obvious) decision to move to Vegas and strip. Vicki nods understandingly. The woman goes on to say that "when you're 40, 50, 60--you can't be on the pole anymore." Thus, she has come to L.I.F.E. with Vicki to help with her transition off the pole. Vicki fiercely applauds her and says that blah blah blah to the camera about saving dancers.

10. Gretchen meets up with her friends again; this time the friends bring babies who are so gd cute I am cooing at the tv.

11. Back to the godforsaken cruise ship and the mostly empty meeting room. Vicki is ready to flip her lid because Michael has not attended any of her sessions. She has her assistant track him down, and when he finally shows up, he's all annoyed and Vicki starts manipulating like crazy, "I'm just frustrated that my family is not here to support my business." Michael's all, "there's no way in HELL I'm going in there" (not a direct quote, but exactly what he meant). Vicki has this scary smile on her face that makes me think she's about to pull out a butcher knife, but Michael does not give in. Brave. She returns to the room to lead a chorus of feeble "woo hoos."


12. Tamra and her dad whip out some lawn chairs in the middle of nowhere and have a heart to heart.


Just as we suspected, Tamra's mom was a major downer and that's why the dad left. His new wife wanted him to stay away from Tamra and her siblings, so he did. Tamra tells the camera that he is a weak man. Agreed. Overall, it was a very soul-baring, emotional conversation and I have no idea why or how they did it in front of a camera.

Don't tip over!



13. Preview for Real Housewives of NYC and my heart was pounding! Oooooh, there are going to be some majorly AWKWARD moments and I cannot wait. Also, remember when we had the discussion about Bethenny's boobs and whether or not they are real? I think we have our answer:

How did we not notice this before? Has she lost weight?

14. Jeana has a date. Colton is actually somewhat sweet and helps her pick out a dress as well as tend to her emotionally. A limo pulls up, and just as Jeana is about to answer the door, "TO BE CONTINUED..." Really? Is this supposed to be some sort of cliffhanger? Because it's not. I don't even have mild curiousity about what Jeana's date looks like. I'm just ready to wrap this bitch up and move on to NYC.


The OC season finale (with another appearance from the dreadful Jo) is next week--and so is the premiere of the second season of RHNYC. It's almost too much for my little brain to handle.

What do you think?

"Lynne's dress was pretty much up to her waist"

This (embarrassingly late) recap is an homage to the brilliant Elaine of I Could Kill Her. She recently took a break from her blog*, and one of the things that I will miss most is the spoken word poetry dedicated to her readers. This is one of my favorites, and of course, this. Both still bring tears to my eyes.

Thanks to Elaine's inspirational example**, I found the courage to create my own spoken word poetry. This is for you, Elaine (even though you won't understand any of it because you don't watch Real Housewives of Orange County)(wtf?). Anyhow. I love you.


*Pussy. However, Elaine can be now be found dispensing all kinds of genius advice here. There's no poetry, but it's still totally funny.

**And the TOTAL snooze-o-rama that was this episode



Undulating Cougars

Spoken word
By SGM

Tamra's mother
had a facelift,
But really, she only needed
Some make-up
better hair
intensive counseling
perhaps Prozac,
barrels of Prozac


Vicki and Briana
So boring
Shopping for scrubs
I close my eyes
And wait

Jeana travels to Milwaukee
to see her parents
Milwaukee....Milwaukee...
She has not been to Milwaukee
In 5 years
Jeana offers bullshit excuses
"Busy with volleyball, baseball"
But Jeana
Everyone knows
your asshole abusive husband
kept you from going

Lynne's mom
looks like Debbie Reynolds
Spitting image
So wise, so elegant
Not stupid.
An anomaly, or
adoption


Jeff is home,
Jeff is home!
He looks like crap
Total crap
But he is alive
Cheers to Jeff


Taco night at the Gunvalson's
Donn browns the meat
Briana arrives
Vicki frets
She will not buy the yacht
No, she will not buy the yacht
Victory for Donn and Briana
But beware,
Vicki really wants that yacht


Girls' weekend in Vegas
"Truce" they declare
Everyone smiles
except Vicki
who tries to fake it


By the pool
Jeana wants a man
Mmm, Jeana wants a man

Gretchen buys
a Hottie Whistle for Tamra
For once I agree with Vicki
ENOUGH with the hottie bizness

Gretchen has a killer body
Perfect skin
Amazing
I hate her
but her fiance is dying
so I don't hate her too much

Blackjack table
Gretchen pretends she doesn't know how to play
Or count to 21
Vicki believes her
Joke's on you, Woo Hoo


Dinner for all
Gretchen says her favorite drink is
"bluecheesestuffedolivegreygoosedirtymartini"
Vicki seethes
Vicki accuses
"that's MY signature drink"
Gretchen is a copycat
Tamra agrees
so mothereffing stupid

Ladies hit the dance floor
Undulating cougars
Lynne's dress is up to her waist
Undulating cougars
Vicki flirting
Disrespecting Donn
Undulating cougars
Jeana shooting men down
Gretchen begging for attention
Tamra talking shit

Surprise
there is no truce
just undulating cougars
(and Gretchen)

"He needs a slap across the face, doesn't he?"

Actually Vicki, I was thinking that you needed a slap across the face. Also, a kick in the coot. I am just the person to deliver both, but I have a feeling I'll have to get in line.

There were so many excellent quotes from this episode, but I chose this one because it was part of Vicki's bitchfight with Jeana's 16 year old son. What were they arguing about? Dippin' Dots. I am not even kidding.

This episode of Real Housewives of OC was full of verbal abuse and hypocritical parenting advice. It was also kind of boring, but don't worry, I've spiced it up for you. Let's turn this mother out!

1. Vicki and Jeana travel to Chicago together. Jeana is there to watch her sociopathic son, Shane, play a baseball game and Vicki is there to meet with Her People (aka minions) and pontificate about how awesome she is.

Exhibit A: Vicki's People, identifiable by their be-jeweled halters and tan lines.


Exhibit B: Vicki showing Her People how she pretends to fall asleep while she's having sex with Donn.


Just kidding. I have no idea what she's doing here, but her friend looks like she's been rode hard and put away muddy. With an empty love tank.

Vicki says a bunch of dumb shit like these are her real friends and it's hard to make friends with people in OC because they're jealous, competitive or don't like her. I'll go ahead and break that down for everyone: Vicki is jealous and competitive (not to mention pretentious, nasty and annoying), ergo, people do not like her.

2. Tamra accompanies her mom to the plastic surgeon where mom is going to be getting a facelift. (A little trailer park math: mom had Tamra at age 16, Tamra had Ryan at 18, therefore mom became a grandma at 34. Wowza.)

While the mom is being marked up by the doc, she says something along the lines of "I want us to be able to go out together." and Tamra says "not gonna happen. You can go out with Ryan, but only if you help him get some tail!" (I made up that part about tail to add drama, and because you know Tamra was thinking it.)

Tamra sheds a few tears as her mom is wheeled away. "I can't wait to get her all dressed up--maybe even get her a date or two" Tamra says, ever the dedicated family pimp.

3. Lynne and her daughters have a spa day. When Raquel arrives, she asks for a neck massage because she has to leave in 15 minutes to meet her boyfriend that she sees every gd day. Raquel then spends those 15 minutes texting and talking to the boyfriend on the phone and bugging the crap out of everyone.

Lynne proves her depth yet again when she says every-so-dryly, "they have so much stress, they wake up at 10 instead of their usual 12, and then get out of bed so that the cleaning lady can clean their room." Lynne, you obviously get that your daughters (especially brainless Raquel) are lazy and spoiled. Why do you support it?

Someone needs to take a big fistful of Raquel's hair and give it a good yank.

4. Gretchen and Jeff are thinking of investing in a gym. Gretchen tells the camera that this investment could be the financial security she's looking for if Jeff dies. Gretchen tours the gym, and her overt flirting combined with humping moves performed while strapped into the pilates machine make the gym look like some sort of large, well-lit, Cali-style S&M palace.

Freaky.

5. Back to The Vicki Show in Chicago! Jean, Vicki and Her People all go out to dinner. Kimberly, former Housewife from season 1, is there too. Guess what? Vicki didn't whip out her laptop and start answering email! Guess she considers these friends not to be a total waste of time.

Vicki makes some declarations about "My People!" and Jeana, to the camera, rolls her eyes and says "what is she? Hitler?" YES. It's about time you noticed, Jeana. Then we see Vicki looking deeply into the eyes of a minion while saying "I love you," and clutching her hand. I'm all for love, but this was so phony. I guarantee the next words out of Vicki's mouth were "now you tell me that you love me more, and then I'll tell you about how busy I am."

The subject turns to kids, and Vicki says that her twenty-something year old son and his girlfriend live with her. Vicki makes a point of saying that she will not allow her adult children to have sex in her house before marriage. She gets all self-righteous about it, and when Kimberly questions her on it, Vicki points at Jeana and said says accusingly, "she lets her children sleep together at 16 years old!" OOOOOOOOOOOH!

Jeana looks like she wants to slap Vicki into next Tuesday, and says "I thought we agreed not to go there." She then says to the camera, "shit on my kids and I will bitchslap you." I so wish she would have reached over and given Vicki a smack.

Oh, and here's a newsflash for you, Vicki: while you were out of town and Michael had that barbecue, HE HAD SEX ALL OVER YOUR HOUSE. With his girlfriend. Probably in your bed too.

Everyone moves to the bar and Vicki is all over some overgrown frat boy (who turns out to be a minion's husband) and saucily says, "my boobs keep wanting to come out and play!" as she tugs on her ubiquitous halter. She sits on his lap and kisses him on the lips several times. Jeana raises her eyebrows over this and tells the camera that she thinks it's inappropriate and uncomfortable. Agreed.

I totally wish I was standing next to Jeana in the bar so I could have leaned in and whispered "but her kids don't have sex in her house," and we would have giggled hysterically.

(Donn, you do not have to play the cuckold. My associates and I are in the process of establishing an underground network. We can protect you. Contact me for more information.)

6. Tamra's still upset about her mom and dad's divorce when she was 25. After not speaking to her dad for 15 years, they are back in touch and she is planning to visit him in Iowa for a heart-to-heart. Look for that super-private conversation to air next season!


Can someone tell me what label Simon is wearing all of the time? Juicy for men? (oops. I was making a joke, but it actually exists)

7. Jeana and Vicki are driving to Shane's game. Shane texts Jeana that he's not going to be playing and doesn't want her to come even though she's suffered through miles of traveling with Vicki. Jeana is texting him back and Shane's responses are like something out of a horror movie. Imagine the following text in that voice from Saw: "YOU WILL REGRET BRINGING THEM HERE. STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HERE." Holy shit. I think I just wet my pants.

Jeana's all, "aw! He's just embarrassed."

Before the game, Shane is signing autographs and when he sees Jeana, he says "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME," in front of the entire crowd (not to mention the tv camera).

Aw! He's his daddy's boy! (but in all honesty, it was mortifying.)

Vick tells the camera, "if that was my kid, I'd slap their face." Huh. That's interesting, Vicki, because I remember one time during season two (episode 208, to be exact) when you unexpectedly visited Michael at college and he treated you so badly that you retreated to a room to cry alone/get attention.

His girlfriend finally convinced you to come out, and instead of slapping Michael, you offered him a new car based upon some ridiculously easy conditions. Then you ended the night by doing kegstands with his friends.

Remember? You are in no position (literally) to be giving parenting advice.

*UPDATE: omg, I am so PISSED. Bravo revamped its website and the photos of Vicki crying and doing a kegstand are no longer on the site. I want to die. Andy Cohen, I am holding you responsible!*

Back to the game--Vicki and Colton get in a fight about Jeana ordering Dippin' Dots. Shane not only ends up playing but is the game's mvp.

They all go out to dinner, where Shane heaps more verbal abuse on Jeana who does nothing to stand up for herself. It's truly awful. Seriously, has there been a rash of unsolved murders in the area where Shane is living? He's scary.

8. Lynne has a cocktail party, and all of the housewives are invited. Vicki's the only one who doesn't show, allegedly due to a work function, which means she was probably driving around her neighborhood with her laptop and telling everyone how hard she works.

The party is in full swing, and am I crazy, or was Bravo was playing OPP in the background (at 1:48 in this video clip)? Raquel shows up with her buddies and they all grab a little drink.

Holla! Turns out Lynne is one of those "if they're going to drink, I'd rather they'd do it in my presence" type of moms. Jeana disagrees (although she doesn't say this to Lynne), and it is FINALLY her turn to judge. Jeana chats with the vacuous Raquel, and we find out all sorts of juicy info, such as Raquel went to a high school for kids with discipline problems (shocker), graduated in 2007, has no job and no plans to get a job or go to college. Meanwhile, Lynne's 15 year-old Alexa is in Vegas and Lynne hasn't heard from her in 2 days. Oh, Lynne. Girl, I don't even know what to say except that you might want to start saving money for rehab, lawyers, and unplanned grandbabies. Good luck.


Thoughts? Bring it.

"I'm not being mean, I'm really being helpful"

Oh gosh, Vicki, thanks for clearing that up. I had no idea that nonstop lecturing, shutting other people down, and death stares were "helpful." Personally, I would have classified it as "rude asshole." My mistake!

If you made it through this episode without having any sort of violent fantasy about Vicki, then please leave a comment to that effect and I will email the Pope, because you are a candidate for sainthood. More on that later. Recap time!

1. After the big build-up of the "TO BE CONTINUED..." Gretchen and Ryan drama, nothing happens. Dammit, Bravo! Such a tease. However, after they leave the bathroom, they reconvene on the patio where Ryan puts his arm around Gretchen's waist and is rewarded with a nice, solid feel of side-boob.

Tamra tells the camera that Ryan offered to drive Gretchen home, but that Tamra said no, that's a bad idea. Tamra, I don't understand you. You spend all night trying get Ryan some action and then you cockblock at the last minute? What the hell?

2. Jeana is depressed about the end of her marriage. To illustrate the point, Bravo shows Jeana's messy bedroom and how she is completely joyless when she flat-irons her hair. We also see her clutching her dogs and trying to get them to pay attention to her in front of the camera.



When she meets with her trainer, she looks like the living dead. He does some motivational speaking that seems to have no effect and then they go on a walk.

You know what? I think you're allowed to be sad when your marriage ends. Come in for a hug, Jeana. It will eventually all be okay.

3. It's Tamra's turn to host the neighborhood stay-at-home mom and kiddie pool party. Gretchen shows up,

and SURPRISE! Ryan does too!

Tamra says that Ryan was hoping to pick up where he left off. He did this by showing Gretchen his irresistable inner-lip "nugget" tattoo. Brilliant move. Didn't work.

Tamra tells the camera "I think Gretchen's envious of me and where I am in life" and ALSO, "she needs to stop partying and get serious." I totally agree. Everyone knows that being the sole caretaker of a terminally ill fiance is a neverending PAR-TAY! Gretchen needs to stop spending all of her time in the fun-factory that is ICU and grow up already.

Tamra introduces Gretchen to her friends. There's a lot of talk about fake boobs, and everyone has them except for Gretchen. Tamra is smug as she tells the camera that Gretchen had little bit of boob envy. Well, obviously! Who wouldn't want sun-damaged XXL tits of granite?

I'm being rather harsh, aren't I? I need to move on.

4. Vicki founded this networking group and she's getting an award for it at a party hosted by Jeana. Vicki tells the camera how everything she touches is gold and how society would collapse without her, etc. (not those exact words, but that was what she meant). Right when I am about to nod off, she receives her award and FALLS ON HER ASS.


My first thought was, that is so fucking awesome! My second thought was, did the force of the fall cause her shirt fall off? No, that's just Vicki wearing her age-inappropriate halter top. Jesus. She stays on the ground a little bit and milks it. Donn tries to be kind about it. Vicki eventually gets up and struts around with her award like it's the gd Nobel Peace Prize.

She might as well be screaming "PLEASE LOVE ME!"

Psych 101, people.

5. Lynne is taking a shot at being a jewelry designer. The name of her business is called Cuff Love, and she custom designs cuffs at her dining room table with a glue gun and a box of crap from Hobby Lobby.

We don't actually see the glue gun and the box of crap, but that was the whole feel of this scene. As I watched her glue things on, tear them off and then glue something else on the same cuff, I was guessing that it would cost her $3 tops to make one of these things, and that they would retail for $15 or so.

We soon learn that Lynne, with no background in jewelry design, sells these homemade cuffs for $225 - $375. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What dumb motherfuckers are buying these?! Oh yeah, FRED SEGAL, as we find out later in the show. Speechless.

6. Jeana and Gretchen have lunch. Gretchen says that Jeff's ex-wife is causing trouble. Jeana says something like, "wow, couldn't you be a little easier on her?" and Gretchen says that she knows how to handle the situation because "this is the third ex-wife that's caused a problem." Jeana, confused, asks "how many ex-wives does Jeff have?" The answer? FIVE. FIVE EX-WIVES. Jeana burst out laughing. Not so fast, Jeana--Jeff is your new hero. He's gotten over 5 divorces, so why are you all sad about two?

7. The ladies take a limo to Fred Segal for some shopping. Vicki makes a big scene about WORKING and brings her laptop. "It's a waste of an hour if you're not working," she says, which translates to "I consider talking to all of you a waste of my time." Why doesn't someone call her on this bullshit?!

Vicki says that she's just so BUSY and needs an assistant in the limo! Lynne volunteers, and Vicki says dismissively, "I need someone who knows how to work." Cut to Lynne, who's being interviewed by the camera--she flips Vicki off for a full 5 seconds. TEAM LYNNE!

8. At Fred Segal, the housewives get the opportunity to design their own fragrance. In order to do that, everyone has to describe what kind of scents they like/dislike. Gretch says that she likes flirty and floral, Lynne says that she likes beachy and patchouli (not kidding) and do you know what Vicki says? "I'm a business woman." She's totally contrarian and hates everything she smells. omg, I want to THROTTLE her.

9. Gretchen and Jeana shop around a bit and check out some high end vibrators.

Gretchen sticks it in her ear. Kinky!

10. Everyone heads to the Viceroy (so beautiful) for lunch.


Discussion turns to Gretchen, and how she will support herself if Jeff dies. It's a moral issue, as in "is it okay to ask my dying fiance whether I will be taken care of when/if he dies." Vicki immediately launches into an insurance lecture, and things get heated because whenever anyone else tries to voice an opinion, Vicki interprets it as an attack on insurance. When Lynne mentions that it might not be sensitive to bring up money while the guy is on his deathbed, Vicki says "I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 20 YEARS. STOP BEING CONFRONTATIONAL," with barely controlled rage.

Vicki, I know you won't listen to me either, but chill the fuck OUT. You sell insurance. It's not brain surgery. Life insurance beneficiaries get money--it does not take 20 years of owning an insurance agency to understand that. This really had nothing to do with insurance anyway; the issue was whether Gretchen should approach Jeff about money. You were trying to make Gretchen do what you wanted and when Lynne didn't agree, you flipped out. Everything about your behavior in this scene made me want to fly to Coto and give you a good smack in the head with your laptop.

If you disrespect Donn in the next episode (as was suggested by previews), SO HELP ME GOD, I will force you to ride in a limo with your friends and no wi-fi, which is apparently your worst nightmare.

Whew. I've been dying to get all of that out. Felt good.

Please discuss.

Andy Cohen interviews Andy Cohen

Andy Cohen may be a bigwig senior v.p. at Bravo, but we all know him as the dude who moderates all of the reunion shows. He has a blog that I always forget to read (because there's no option to subscribe--hint hint, Bravo), but when I do, I'm never disappointed. He says things like "dicking around" and references Madame the puppet

(which to be honest, incapacited me with disbelief/joy for a few moments) and is just generally gay and funny. Also, he doesn't delete the aggressively sexual comments such as "[I'd like] an Andy Cohen and Shane Keough sandwich with me in the middle" and "you are sexy, hairy, sexy, funny, and sexy." LOVE it. Why don't I get comments like that? Anyhow, after the shitstorm surrounding last week's episode of Real Housewives, he decided to post an interview with himself and address some burning issues. His answers are definitely worth reading. My reactions are in the brackets.


On the "Let's watch Gretchen get wasted and then trap her in a tiny room with horny Ryan" episode of Real Housewives:

AC: OK well judging by the overload of comments on your blog, the top story people are wondering about is what you call the "Disturbia in Suburbia". Have you spoken to any of the Housewives since that fateful episode?

AC: I spoke to Tamra's husband, Simon, the other day and I understand that she's pissed and feels that she was edited badly and not portrayed well. [Sounds like someone has been getting some dirty looks in the carpool lane!]

AC: And do you think that's a fair argument? Was she a victim of the editors?

AC: I don't love the "blame the editor" defense and don't see how it could be twisted that she said 3x that she wanted to get Gretchen drunk. [Amen, brother!] But the big point is that Gretchen is an adult and the idea that someone (Tamra) has the power to completely control her has no legitimacy. Tamra didn't force her to do a thing. I do think Tamra has a lot to get off her chest [namely, those ginormous implants] and she deserves to be heard, and the same goes for Gretchen. I am quite interested to hear what they both have to say at the reunion show. [Translation: I am terrified that Tamra's going to direct her rage at me, but it will be good tv]

On the spectacular assbomb that was Date my Ex:

AC: I would like for you to defend the Jo and Slade dating show. People keep commenting about it but you never respond to any of the posts. [Andy, I know you are speaking directly to me on this. No need to be coy, darling.]

AC: I don't think I need to "defend" it, Andy...

AC: Don't call me Andy.

AC: Anyway, I think that it was a cute, fun summer show and ultimately maybe it was too fluffy for Bravo or at least for Andy's Blog readers, who I know are discriminating customers. [Actually, Andy, it's because Jo and Slade are two of the most annoying, narcissistic d-bags I've ever seen. So transparent. I would rather staple my tongue to the floor than root for either one of them. Not cute, not fluffy, just "not watchable."]

And finally, on his own slightly crossed-eyes:

AC: Well, since you brought up the reunion shows, when are you going to get your crossed eyes fixed?

AC: Funny that you bring that up, Andy, because I just heard that there's a procedure to fix wandering eyes that is fairly simple.

AC: So, you're all set, huh??

AC: The issue is that this "simple" procedure involves their taking your eyeball out and zapping your eye muscles. And I am really freaked about someone taking out my eyeball and then putting it back.

AC: You're a cross-eyed wimp.

AC: I hate you.

You like him, right? Yes. You should subscribe to his blog! Oh wait. We can't. (Andy, feel free to email me with a job offer.)

The conclusion to "Disturbia in Suburbia" is on in moments! Let me know what you think.