"I'm not being mean, I'm really being helpful"

Oh gosh, Vicki, thanks for clearing that up. I had no idea that nonstop lecturing, shutting other people down, and death stares were "helpful." Personally, I would have classified it as "rude asshole." My mistake!

If you made it through this episode without having any sort of violent fantasy about Vicki, then please leave a comment to that effect and I will email the Pope, because you are a candidate for sainthood. More on that later. Recap time!

1. After the big build-up of the "TO BE CONTINUED..." Gretchen and Ryan drama, nothing happens. Dammit, Bravo! Such a tease. However, after they leave the bathroom, they reconvene on the patio where Ryan puts his arm around Gretchen's waist and is rewarded with a nice, solid feel of side-boob.

Tamra tells the camera that Ryan offered to drive Gretchen home, but that Tamra said no, that's a bad idea. Tamra, I don't understand you. You spend all night trying get Ryan some action and then you cockblock at the last minute? What the hell?

2. Jeana is depressed about the end of her marriage. To illustrate the point, Bravo shows Jeana's messy bedroom and how she is completely joyless when she flat-irons her hair. We also see her clutching her dogs and trying to get them to pay attention to her in front of the camera.



When she meets with her trainer, she looks like the living dead. He does some motivational speaking that seems to have no effect and then they go on a walk.

You know what? I think you're allowed to be sad when your marriage ends. Come in for a hug, Jeana. It will eventually all be okay.

3. It's Tamra's turn to host the neighborhood stay-at-home mom and kiddie pool party. Gretchen shows up,

and SURPRISE! Ryan does too!

Tamra says that Ryan was hoping to pick up where he left off. He did this by showing Gretchen his irresistable inner-lip "nugget" tattoo. Brilliant move. Didn't work.

Tamra tells the camera "I think Gretchen's envious of me and where I am in life" and ALSO, "she needs to stop partying and get serious." I totally agree. Everyone knows that being the sole caretaker of a terminally ill fiance is a neverending PAR-TAY! Gretchen needs to stop spending all of her time in the fun-factory that is ICU and grow up already.

Tamra introduces Gretchen to her friends. There's a lot of talk about fake boobs, and everyone has them except for Gretchen. Tamra is smug as she tells the camera that Gretchen had little bit of boob envy. Well, obviously! Who wouldn't want sun-damaged XXL tits of granite?

I'm being rather harsh, aren't I? I need to move on.

4. Vicki founded this networking group and she's getting an award for it at a party hosted by Jeana. Vicki tells the camera how everything she touches is gold and how society would collapse without her, etc. (not those exact words, but that was what she meant). Right when I am about to nod off, she receives her award and FALLS ON HER ASS.


My first thought was, that is so fucking awesome! My second thought was, did the force of the fall cause her shirt fall off? No, that's just Vicki wearing her age-inappropriate halter top. Jesus. She stays on the ground a little bit and milks it. Donn tries to be kind about it. Vicki eventually gets up and struts around with her award like it's the gd Nobel Peace Prize.

She might as well be screaming "PLEASE LOVE ME!"

Psych 101, people.

5. Lynne is taking a shot at being a jewelry designer. The name of her business is called Cuff Love, and she custom designs cuffs at her dining room table with a glue gun and a box of crap from Hobby Lobby.

We don't actually see the glue gun and the box of crap, but that was the whole feel of this scene. As I watched her glue things on, tear them off and then glue something else on the same cuff, I was guessing that it would cost her $3 tops to make one of these things, and that they would retail for $15 or so.

We soon learn that Lynne, with no background in jewelry design, sells these homemade cuffs for $225 - $375. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What dumb motherfuckers are buying these?! Oh yeah, FRED SEGAL, as we find out later in the show. Speechless.

6. Jeana and Gretchen have lunch. Gretchen says that Jeff's ex-wife is causing trouble. Jeana says something like, "wow, couldn't you be a little easier on her?" and Gretchen says that she knows how to handle the situation because "this is the third ex-wife that's caused a problem." Jeana, confused, asks "how many ex-wives does Jeff have?" The answer? FIVE. FIVE EX-WIVES. Jeana burst out laughing. Not so fast, Jeana--Jeff is your new hero. He's gotten over 5 divorces, so why are you all sad about two?

7. The ladies take a limo to Fred Segal for some shopping. Vicki makes a big scene about WORKING and brings her laptop. "It's a waste of an hour if you're not working," she says, which translates to "I consider talking to all of you a waste of my time." Why doesn't someone call her on this bullshit?!

Vicki says that she's just so BUSY and needs an assistant in the limo! Lynne volunteers, and Vicki says dismissively, "I need someone who knows how to work." Cut to Lynne, who's being interviewed by the camera--she flips Vicki off for a full 5 seconds. TEAM LYNNE!

8. At Fred Segal, the housewives get the opportunity to design their own fragrance. In order to do that, everyone has to describe what kind of scents they like/dislike. Gretch says that she likes flirty and floral, Lynne says that she likes beachy and patchouli (not kidding) and do you know what Vicki says? "I'm a business woman." She's totally contrarian and hates everything she smells. omg, I want to THROTTLE her.

9. Gretchen and Jeana shop around a bit and check out some high end vibrators.

Gretchen sticks it in her ear. Kinky!

10. Everyone heads to the Viceroy (so beautiful) for lunch.


Discussion turns to Gretchen, and how she will support herself if Jeff dies. It's a moral issue, as in "is it okay to ask my dying fiance whether I will be taken care of when/if he dies." Vicki immediately launches into an insurance lecture, and things get heated because whenever anyone else tries to voice an opinion, Vicki interprets it as an attack on insurance. When Lynne mentions that it might not be sensitive to bring up money while the guy is on his deathbed, Vicki says "I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 20 YEARS. STOP BEING CONFRONTATIONAL," with barely controlled rage.

Vicki, I know you won't listen to me either, but chill the fuck OUT. You sell insurance. It's not brain surgery. Life insurance beneficiaries get money--it does not take 20 years of owning an insurance agency to understand that. This really had nothing to do with insurance anyway; the issue was whether Gretchen should approach Jeff about money. You were trying to make Gretchen do what you wanted and when Lynne didn't agree, you flipped out. Everything about your behavior in this scene made me want to fly to Coto and give you a good smack in the head with your laptop.

If you disrespect Donn in the next episode (as was suggested by previews), SO HELP ME GOD, I will force you to ride in a limo with your friends and no wi-fi, which is apparently your worst nightmare.

Whew. I've been dying to get all of that out. Felt good.

Please discuss.