Friday, January 9, 2009

"Without Vicki, we all had a good time."


Oooooh, quote of the week comes from the taciturn, and likely mentally-challenged, Lynne. Her observation really resonated with me because, as was made clear in this episode, VICKI SUCKS. So does Tamra. More on that later.

So, I feel kind of embarrassed. Last week I insisted that you watch Real Housewives of Orange County, and this week's episode was a shining example of why you should never, ever listen to me. Read on to see why everyone on this show needs a good, hard spanking (with the possible exception of Jeana).

1. Gretchen gets her $65,000, 4.7 carat engagement ring in the mail. That's right, the mail. Dressed in a hot pink shorty-short sweatsuit, she runs around shrieking and baby-clapping and shoving her hand in everyone's face, which would be understandable if she lived in a sorority house in 1980 and was betrothed to the BMOC. But this isn't the case. She lives in a townhome in 2008, and is set to be the fifth wife of a terminally ill millionaire old dude. She is flaunting her ring in front of her teenaged step-children who, God love them, try to be excited, but can't quite manage it. You could practically see the bubbles over their heads saying "my share of $65 grand is on this nitwit's hand and I'm supposed to be happy?"

I'm not saying that Gretchen shouldn't be excited about her engagement, but there's no need to shout the equivalent of "I'm taking your money! Hahahahaha!" to the poor stepkids. Not nice.

2. Lynne's 15 year old daughter, Alexa, is back with the boyfriend who told her (correctly) that she looked like a stripper at her sister's birthday party. Lynne is hanging out with them in the kitchen and I swear to God, if I didn't know better I'd say she was a boarder in that house. All she does when she's with her kids is feign polite interest, stare and make weird comments. She is unusually detached in all of the kitchen scenes--maybe there's some radon poisoning happening with her granite? She needs to get it tested.

3. All of the housewives except Vicki (she so busy! she's always working! she loves to work!) go shopping for big fancy hats to be worn at opening day at Del Mar (a horse track). Gretchen and Tamra, who have made up since the cry-fest last week, are both desperately vying to be the center of attention. They're both being too loud and too giggly as they do everything short of jazz-hands to get attention. It was during this scene that I felt an inkling of like for Lynne, who selected her hat without much fuss and sat all chill in a corner the rest of the time. Meanwhile Tamra and Gretchen strutted around in their hats referencing Great Gatsby. Yes! It was all very Great Gatsby, if by Great Gatsby you mean this:


To the camera, Tamra gets all nasty about Gretchen grabbing all of the hot pink hats. Tamra scornfully says something along the lines of "she KNEW I was planning to wear hot pink. Guess I'll have to change my outfit now, huh?"

4. THEN! Because Vicki's out of town (working! she works so hard!), her son Michael has a pool party. We see Michael getting WASTED and talking about how he's going to get WASTED all summer WOOOOOOOO, and I was all "young man! wtf? Didn't we just learn a few episodes ago that your dad is an alcoholic?"

Oh, but here comes the best part. Vicki calls and Michael's girlfriend answers. Vicki says that she just got off the phone with Jeana, who reported that there were lots of cars outside of Vicki's house. Vicki doesn't seem to mind the party but rattles off 5 zillion nitpicky housekeeping rules. After they hang up, Michael and girlfriend start going OFF on Jeana, about how she should get off Michael's case and instead "be worried about selling my mom's house." !!! The girlfriend, a mere child, calls Jeana a BITCH. On national tv! Ooooooooooh! Then everyone at the party ironically shotguns a beer "to Jeana!"

See what I mean about the spankings?

5. Lauri's back. Already. She has lunch with Tamra. When did Lauri become the grandam of this show, spouting wisdom and not engaging in (that much) cattiness? Anyhow. Highly edited, but this is the notorious scene where Tamra tells Lauri about making Gretchen cry and says "I didn't know whether to feel sorry for her or hand her an Oscar." Then Tamra talks some unbelievable bs about how she hates the gossip and backstabbery of the housewives. PLEASE. You trade in the gossip and backstabbery, Tamra (and YES, after many months of defending you, I am FINISHED).

6. Vicki, Tamra, Jeana and husbands (and Kara) are in a limo headed to the race track. Guess what Vicki's doing? Tapping away on her laptop! Because she owns her own business! she is important! Vicki, listen to me: that is so fucking rude. STOP IT. Loved it when Jeana told the camera that she saw what Vicki was doing, and that she was just responding to "fun" emails, not work.

In the limo, Tamra tells Kara with much disdain that Gretchen is trying to copy her. Warning to everyone out there, if you own or have ever wanted a pink motorcycle or a pink dress, then you are copying Tamra because those ideas originated with HER.

7. The limo group enters the suite, where Gretchen, Gretchen's brother, Lynne and Mr. Lynne are gathered. Tamra is pissed when she sees that Gretchen didn't even wear the pink dress that she said she was going to! Death to Gretchen! Cut to Vicki, who is giving the most dismissive greeting I have EVER seen to Mr. Lynne.

Vicki and Tamra and husbands separate themselves from everyone else, with Tamra whispering that she doesn't want to sit by Gretchen and Lynne et al. Vicki echos this thought with a super-bitchy "I don't know them. Why would I want to sit with them?"


GOOD GOD! It's a small group and you're on television! Can't you just be nice, Vicki? For a couple of hours? It seems not. Gretchen and Lynne look and feel totally excluded. I cringed at the sight of Lynne sitting at a table alone while Vicki and Tamra and husbands are pointedly ignoring her and guffawing not 3 feet away. Lynne's weird and all, but she's not mean. I felt sorry for her.


Apparently Vicki and Tamra think that they are still to close to Cootie Lynne and decide to move with their husbands to the inner part of the suite. Vicki and Tamra proceed to rip Gretch to SHREDS, talking with raised eyebrows about how she's being too flirty, too sexy, too hungry for attention (pot, kettle, black, etc.).

Then Vicki says some rude, uncalled-for shit to Donn and I would hereby like to announce the formation of the DONN GUNVALSON FAN CLUB right here on this blog. We are going to have SAVE DONN t-shirts and coffee mugs. Please offer your support to Donn in the comments. (Do you have a fan club Vicki? DO YOU?)

Meanwhile, Jeana feels sorry for Lynne and Gretchen and decides to hang with them. As you can imagine, this pisses off Vicki and Tamra and they talk shit about her too. Vicki thinks Jeana is not hanging with them in order "push [Vicki's] buttons." Actually, Vicki, it's called being friendly to others. You should look into it.

As everyone is saying their insincere goodbyes, Lynne again comes with the suprisingly adept thought that Vicki and Tamra "are pretty much . . . cold." Amen, sister. I have a feeling that we are going to be seeing more of that next week. Good luck to you, Lynne.

Despite what I said before about not listening to me, I really think you should watch next week. I mean, Gretchen and Ryan? I know they won't get it on, but still. We must see how it all unfolds.

Talk to me, Goose.

40 comments:

Meg said...

excellent recap. I didn't like Tamra before, but now I despise her. The "chubby" comment is what pushed me over the edge. She is just pure evil. Plus, her and Laurie gossiping - jaw dropingly nasty. Jeana really grew on me this episode, suprisingly.

Mrs. Limestone said...

Im so glad I found your blog - you are cracking me up!!

Did you see the promos for next weeks show? Evidently Gretchen and Ryan are getting a little too friendly. As if Gretchen dying grandfather, I mean fiancee, didn't have enough shit to deal with?

Anonymous said...

Ahhh...I needed this recap...I had such a sour taste in my mouth after this episode. It's gone from being fun to just nasty interspersed with boring.
Yes, sign me up for the Donn fan club. Perhaps Bravo can do a dating game for Donn like Date my Ex was for J.De la R. (like how I didn't say her name...?
What bothered me was how Tamra and Vicki kept calling themselves the "skinny girls" and "the skinny girl club" Whaatt? no, seriously now???

zakary said...

Donn needs to get his nuts out of Vicki's handbag and find a divorce lawyer.

Stat.

I heart Donn.

cass-a-lass said...

SIGN ME UP! Every episode I feel more and more sorry for Donn. Vicki is nuts.

Chelly said...

Thank goodneess Mrs. Limestone provied a link to your blog. I love it already. This recap was spot on. These ladies are so high school! Yet I'm addicted to the show. go figure!

Natalie said...

Consider me a member of the DGFC.


Great recap, much needed as I only caught bit'n'pieces. I completely missed the chubby comment Meg is referring to...maybe I'll find it if I google...

jen said...

I am hereby throwing my large-ass feathered-boa-wrapped hat into the ring as President of the Donn fan club, with the only caveat that we surgically remove the second N from his name.

LOVE Don! He's so smiley.

cwillcox said...

I LOVED this recap. I was appalled at how catty, bitchy, high-schooly, etc. these women were. Jeana rocked and I was even rooting for weird and awkward Lynne. Your blog is hilarious and I will definitely be back for more. Here's to the next Donn Fan club meeting!

pam said...

Vicki must be dynamite in the sack,otherwise I can't imagine why Donn puts up with her constant verbal castration. These shows only work if there's someone with at least a thin shred of human decency, otherwise they're just depressing, and this season is cutting it close. If Jeanna falls to the dark side it's adios OC for me.

vintagedesignsmith said...

Couldn't wait to read your post. I spit my coffee through my nose over the "jazz hands".
If someone lusted me that much to give me a $65,000 diamond, I'd a been whoopin' all over the house with a butt shakin' happy dance.
Can't wait til next week. Your blog makes it a great guilty pleasure!

Debra said...

I have to wonder- is Vicki for real? Next week should be interesting... Gretchen the cougar!
Could you do a recap every week.
This show is a nice diversion.

Chris said...

Enjoying , oh my , I needed a good laugh , thanks for that ,
Chris

Tracy said...

I love your blog as much as I hate being wrong. A LOT! I'll explain: I was recently trying to recruit a new viewer to RHOC by explaining to my friend that the OC ladies weren't (as) snotty and bitchy and catty and back-stabby like the women in NY and ATL. They were just rich and tan and blonde and fun-loving and totally out of touch with the real world. Heck, most of them even have actual jobs where they earn a lot of the huge amounts of money they throw around. But boy, that last episode? I was sooo wrong. And I feel a little betrayed, having stuck up for them and all. But I'll keep watching. I'm in too deep to stop now. And I wouldn't miss your recaps for anything. And I would totally join the Donn Fan Club if he would only pull his head out and stand up to his obnoxious wife. Can't get behind him while he's being such a wuss.

Scandalous Housewife said...

Love your reveiw. Although I cannot rightly join any type of Don "Fan" club because he is such dummass wimp for putting up with Vicki. I am, however, so on board to save Don! The Real Housewife Bloggers could join forces and could call him up to a hotel room in Laguna and hold an intervention. We can recount the times he has allowed himself to be humiliated and degraded by his horse-faced wife. And we'll have Dr. Phil there. And Oprah. And Kendra from the Girls Next Door. Who's in?

Michelle said...

Ugh, Vicki & Tamra's comments and behavior was just downright appalling. And Vicki's son?! What a douchebag. But seriously, Lynn may be all "Ooh, I want to be young & share clothes w/my daughters," but she's not mean.
Yes indeed, poor Donn. And Tamra, WTF? She lives in Ladera Ranch! Last I checked that was not behind the gates...she needs to get her head out of her a$$!

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure that real diamond rings, really worth $65K, don't get delivered in the mail, UPS, whatever. But if you buy it on Home Shopping? Well then.
Slightly shocked that no one has brought up the fact that during her entire "relationship" with Jeff, and the filming of the show, SHE IS STILL MARRIED TO ANOTHER DUDE!!!

Anonymous said...

I have faith in Donn. Faith that he is just giving Vikki enough rope WHILE BEING FILMED to get anything his little heart desires in a divorce settlement. I just hope that he gets Brianna too. That poor child.

Gigi said...

Donn seems like such a nice guy. What is WRONG with Vicki? I keep hoping he'll leave her and hook up with Jeana. They would make a great couple!

QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

I think Donn and Jenna should hook up and give the finger to Vicki as they drive away with His alimony payment from Vicki..A YACHT

Anonymous said...

Ok I love reading your recaps and could not wait to hear what you wrote for this one. What I loved about these women were they were successful working women and in the past weren't caddy. They really seemed like friends. This year - Vicki BUGS BUGS BUGS! Her behavior especially being a business woman is dispicable - did I spell that right? She should be the one trying to make everyone feel comfortable and bringing everyone together. Instead she looks totally ridiculous and has done a 360 in the class department. Tamara - I use to like her but this year - her and Vicki need to go to the Housewives of ATL show. Gretchen - even if she is a gold digger and flaunting her HUGE ring - I can't say I wouldn't be excited either. However, at least she is not a BITCH like these other women -- and while Lynn has annoyed the crap out of me with her clothes and spending (I hate her clothes just goes to show money cannot buy class) she does seem like a nice person at least. At the horse races I would have been so embarrassed if I was Vicki or Tamara when I saw this episode air - even their husbands were rude. I felt really bad for Lynn and Gretchen - especially Lynn sitting there by herself. Jeanna is growing on me and was nice! Ok Enough! Can't wait for your next post.

The Illustrious Lindsay said...

I mainly watch the show so I can keep up with your posts about it! The posts are LOL funny...please keep them up! I agree with the previous comments that the show seems to have taken a trashy/catty/mean turn. Donn needs to stand up to Vicki - I bet if he did she wouldn't even know what to do about it - it might render her speechless! But then again maybe he's in that kind of relationship because of his own issues. Perhaps?

Anonymous said...

Glad to have found this site. I have watched this show from the start and it has evolved into a drama fest! It used to show real life situations with the wives alone, now it seems they are always together, drinking, acting white trashy and so catty and mean. Have they forgotten they are on tv? I read the Bravo blogs every Wednesday morning; Tamra justifys her behavior towards Gretchen due to a late night phone call; did Gretchen hook up with Ryan?? I also love Bethenny's blog; she thinks much the same way we do.....read it if you aren't already.

lady jicky said...

I have not seen this on our TV here in Australia. I do not know if I should feel lucky or sad!
I have to say - the plots in this aae way better than the boring "Bold and Beautiful" .
So - do you think these strange women are just "putting this all on" for the TV , money and "fame"?

Creme de la Mode said...

fantastic recap girl! I don't get the show where I live (asia) and so I come here everyweek to get the haps - I swear it's better than actually watching the show!

Megan said...

Thanks for the blog love! I hate Vicki, I really do.

ThumperToo said...

Like a train wreck, this show is hard to look away from....your blog, however, is brilliant! I've been enjoying it for quite some time. Thanks for the laughs :-)

Lorrie Veasey said...

I think it all comes down to Donn's decision NOT to adopt Vicki's kids. It's a choice he made that she makes him pay for every. single. day.

great site-great recap--can't wait for rectangle debut.

amber {daisy chain} said...

quite a perfect recap!! I do feel sorry for Lynne now, though I can't stand to look at her, it's hard being the newbie. Vicki is really scary, all that tick-tick-tick typing would put me over the edge.

Sweet Nothings said...

I would rock a Save Donn shirt..and then drive down to Coto and smack Vicki with it...

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