Friday, November 28, 2008

An SNL skit on douchebag suburban dads?

No. It's the Beastie Boys. So. Fucking. Depressing.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion


Let's dive right in, sexy bitches!

Topic: Hair

Everyone loves NeNe's new haircut (obv).

Sheree had some major I Dream of Beyonce hair extensions.

To my untrained eye, it actually looked like 2 very (very) separate pieces: bangs and pony. No bueno.

(btw, Sheree, the photo at the top? Don't think we didn't notice the pelvic thrust. WTF?)

While DeShawn looks pretty fantastic above, in reality she looked like she took out her hot rollers on the most humid day in Atlanta's history, empitied a can of Aquanet on herself, had some wild sex and then immediately showed up at the Bravo studios without checking a mirror.

It was big and messy, DeShawn. Just like Kim's coochie.

(omg, that had to have been the grossest thing I've ever said on this blog. I am so sorry. Couldn't be helped.)

Then, the moment we have been waiting for all season--host Andy Cohen reads to Kim the viewer question, "is it a wig?"

By now you've heard the whole cancer story (if not, watch it here), about how 3 years ago she was losing her hair and losing weight, and a doctor friend told her there was a "90% chance" she had cancer. Then Kim trails off tearfully, leading everyone to believe that she had cancer.

There is a bona fide discussion about Kim's "cancer." When Andy finally asks her point blank if she did have the big C, she goes through this whole story about how she was waiting at Chili's (!) for her test results and that she ended up not having cancer--her hair loss was related to another condition that she did "not want to discuss."

Now, I don't know about you, but my ears perked up at this. Why on earth would attention-hungry Kim decline an opportunity to talk about her tragique illness? I have an answer. Here.

Kim, I don't care whether you have/had a raging case of secondary stage syph. The whole point of everyone making fun of the wig was that if you can buy a $68k car on a whim, you can surely afford a wig that doesn't look like it was made from the clippings on the floor of the Bratz factory. As Dwight said to you during the show, "it could be so much more than it is." Amen, sister.

Topic: Is NeNe an ex-stripper?

NeNe played this beautifully. When Andy asked her this viewer question, she said "that's false, I'm still a stripper." She coyly adds that she strips every night, "around the silk plants" (love it) for Gregg.

She's totally an ex-stripper.

No one cares, NeNe.

Topic: Big Papa

Kim says that they are on-again off-again and that it was her decision to keep his identity a secret because he was married and some other blah blah blah. NeNe brings up the fact that even though she's just barely met Big Papa, Kim said in a previous episode that BP was talking shit about NeNe. NeNe proceeds to let loose a marvelous stream of trash talk and profanity that went something like this:

That's some shit you made up! Close your legs to married men. CLOSE YOUR LEGS TO MARRIED MEN. You made a comment that you'd like to beat my ass. I'd like to see that happen. I'd like to see that happen!

Kim screams something retarded like "watch, bitch! First week in January!" (when her record drops).

NeNe flies out of her chair.

Andy Cohen smiles and thinks "JACKPOT!" Lisa restrains NeNe and sits on her. NeNe screams "trashy hooker!" at Kim, but it sounds like "trashy hook-AH!"


Somewhere in a CNN van, Anderson Cooper was bouncing up and down in his chair and clapping his hands giddily.

Topic: Is DeShawn Stupid?

DeShawn is pretty much mute during this show, however she did mention that she was "pursuing a master's degree..."

and I was all "I have totally misjudged--" when she added "" So, yes. Our original assessment was probably correct.

Topic: Is Kim a pathological liar?

Lisa and Kim start fighting about how Kim found out about NeNe's song in the limo. This part was highly edited and it's hard to tell what was going on. In any case, Lisa pretty much goes apeshit and calls Kim a pathological liar (twice!) and screams that Kim needs to be on "freaking medication." (twice!)

I'm choosing to believe that Kim is a pathological liar because, well, DUH.

Topic: Lisa's delicious husband Ed

Andy reads a viewer question from Bruce in Minneapolis who asks Lisa if he can borrow Ed and his smoking hot bod sometime. Lisa says "ewwwww! No!"

Frank and I think that "Bruce in Minneapolis" is really "Andy at Bravo." Have no shame, buddy. We all want Ed.

Topic: Dwight

Feast your eyes on this.

A red boucle jacket, long hair cascading down his back, calling himself a bigger diva than Sheree...this man is a STAR.

That's it! I didn't really touch on Sheree because it seems like everyone tacitly agreed that she's a big 'ol bitch. There's no use on calling her out on it because she embraces it. Look for She by Sheree in Fall '09.

Kim alludes to a season 2, but she's a pathological liar, so let's not get our hopes up. What did you think of the reunion?

(and bonus topic: did you see dirty sexy Dave Grohl on Top Chef tonight? Do you love him? Yes or no.)

"I'll see you outside."

Oooooooooooh! {shivers}

I am reflecting, deeply, upon the magnificence of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. A recap will be up tonight.

So let me ask you something. What is my deal with Andy Cohen?

He's staring at me, right? In his endearing, slightly cross-eyed way? I desperately want to lay my head in his lap while he strokes my hair, yet I also want him to vanish off the face of the earth. What is wrong with me?

I haven't watch the Real Housewives of OC season premiere yet. Who did? Was it a sweet soothing balm of boobs and sun-damaged skin? Speak up!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


That was the sound of my body hitting the floor. Because I DIE for these boots.

Frye, of course.

Die, die, die.

Monday, November 24, 2008

The original Amy Fisher (minus the shooting and all that)

From the New York Post:

[Kim] Zolciak, as it turns out, is no stranger to scandal. As a teenager in Windsor Locks, Conn., she had a high-profile affair with a police sergeant, John MacDougald.

According to the Hartford Courant, Zolciak was "16 or 17" when the romance began and allegedly a witness in a criminal investigation at the time...

And this too:

Zolciak's new BFF, Sheree Whitfield, knows something about the police, too: In 1989, when she was 19, Ohio native Whitfield-then known as Sheree Fuller-was arrested, twice, for theft, according to Cuyahoga County court records.

Surprise, surprise.

Friday, November 21, 2008

"Okay, so I have a crack in the foundation, well DUH, I've never had an instrument."


It saddens me to tell you that I will not be doing a recap this week*. Instead, I will be doing a PSA for a very serious condition known as Real Housewives of Atlanta Poisoning (RHAP). RHAP is usually triggered by a combination of prolonged exposure to Real Housewives of Atlanta and Kim Zolciak google alerts. Symptoms include fake smiling in uncomfortable social situations,

looking like a cheap hooker at a family dinner**,

and threatening people with bodily harm when they make simple requests of you.

These signs may or may not be accompanied by extreme bitterness toward Andy Cohen.

Anyone exhibiting these symptoms is in urgent need of medical attention. As you might have guessed, I was a victim of RHAP. Luckily, I received help just in time--the emergency room staff ended up pumping my stomach and told me that I had near-fatal levels of Chardonnay, synthetic hair and French manicures in my system. Had my husband not acted quickly when I screamed "let your hater be your motivator!" in the middle of the night, I might not be here today.

I am feeling better but still have the occasional desire to hire a personal chef and create my own fashion line. The doctors say that if I continue listening to NPR and avoid Real Housewives for a week, there is a good chance that I will make a full recovery (only time will tell if I have suffered permanent damage to my brain). Please keep me in your prayers, and be on the alert for signs of this life-threatening condition in yourself and others.

Thank you, and have a spectacular weekend.

*For those of you who were unable to watch it (e.g. no dvr, you live in Jordan, you have standards, etc.) do not fret. Total snoozefest, as several of you commented in a previous post.

**Big, big props to the anonymous commenter who described this outfit as Kim's French hooker can-can dress and wondered about the "hookers around-the-world" theme she has going on.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

That bitch Andy Cohen is taunting me

How fableeous does our girl NeNe look?! I seriously had to double-check to make sure that Christian was not snuggling up to Mary J. Doesn't Vicki look like she was just trying to get a photo of herself with NeNe when Christian was all "hey, fierce bitches!" and then launched himself right into their laps? I bet you Andy's mojito that Vicki is thinking "damn, he weighs a lot more than he looks."

photo from here

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Kim on the cover of Playboy?

I would TOTALLY buy that, wouldn't you? Also, she's now claiming that her relationship with Big Papa is fini. Read Kim's juicy interview with Essence here.

I am hoping that my next google alert for Kim is a press release from Demi Moore stating "I AM NOT WORKING WITH KIM! That was only for the tv show!"

Please come back tonight and tell me your every thought during the finale.

In the grand tradition of the Real Housewives of Atlanta,

I'd like to announce the creation of my new charity, the Jeff Lewis Million Dollar Hugs Foundation.

As you may have seen on the front page of Yahoo, our very own Jeff Lewis of Bravo's Flipping Out is suffering deeply in the current recession.

It broke my heart to hear that Jeff, along with Zoila and all of the animals, are living in a 700 square foot house. Soon, he will be forced to take on remodeling projects in order to make ends meet. I cannot stand by and watch this happen. My hope is that I can raise enough money to move Jeff out of this squalor and into a 2 million dollar home in a trendy area (plus a $650k renovation budget and $10,000 for take-out meals).

In order to raise the funds, I am planning a a JLMDH luncheon, where invitees (only ballers, no riff-raff) will be asked to wear Lacoste in support of Jeff. A JLMDH live auction, which I hope to have sponsored by Starbucks, is also in the works. Please contact me if you'd like to volunteer or be on the guest list (subject to a background check) for either event.

In the meantime, I would like to personally call on Ryan Brown and Lori Lassner to open their homes and hearts to Jeff and his staff during this time of need.

In the comments section, please feel free to pledge your generous support and/or give Jeff your well wishes. Thank you so much.

Monday, November 17, 2008

"You ruined it! You ruined my joy!"

Thank you, Sheree, for your angry and verbally inventive phone call to your seamstress. From this day forward, "you ruined my joy" shall play a key role in my own personal tirades. I shall shriek it at the top of my lungs to anyone who displeases me. It perfectly expresses the shamefulness of the action, yet keeps the focus on me. Brilliant!

Cheers, bitch, to your magical use of the English language.

This Real Housewives of Atlanta recap is inexcusably late. If I have inadvertently ruined anyone's joy, please accept my deepest apologies. Let's get to it!

1. Kim and Sheree head out to a private island in a boat captained by Kim's minion Cori. Here's Kim, enjoying the fresh air:

Oops, I mean taking a pull off of her cigarette and drinking a glass of wine. If you want my opinion, the cigarette was just a handy excuse to crouch down so her wig wouldn't blow off.

Kim says a bunch of stupid stuff in this scene, including "is that a fucking clam?" followed by this:

Idiot. Is anyone else unable to stop staring at the part in her wig?

After the ladies reach the island and consume even more wine, Kim talks about how Big Papa thinks that NeNe is a "hot mess." When the wine gets too sandy, they all return to the boat only to find that Cori can't start it. As Cori is talking on her phone to someone, Kim starts freaking out about Gilligan's Island and building a house and how they will never get off that island! OMFG, so annoying. Cori hangs up, tries the boat again. Everything's fine, and the crisis of living for 15 minutes without Chardonnay is narrowly averted.

2. Sheree talks about her new fashion line, and how the people of Atlanta "look up to her" for fashion and that it's her "God-given gift." That's funny, I thought her God-given gift was trash-talking NeNe and kissing Kim's butt. Anyhow, she's proud to be funding her line all on her own, to the tune of $100,000.

3. NeNe hosts a big hat brunch for her newly created Twisted Hearts foundation. With Bravo's sad music playing in the background, NeNe testifies about her own personal experience with domestic violence--sexual, physical and emotional abuse at the hand of a boyfriend.

Everyone's eyes are covered by the big hats at the brunch, and let me tell you, it's very disconcerting. I kept leaning down in order to get a better angle to see some eyes, but it was of no use as everyone was, you know, on tv.

The brunch raises $19,200. Nice work, NeNe! I'm sure Anderson Cooper (let's give him a nickname--Refined Sugar?) is very proud of you.

4. Sheree meets with her team--her sketch artist, a "lifestyle consultant" (wtf?), her publicist, and her 13 year old assistant.

Sheree also mentions a pattern-maker. It is unclear whether the joy-ruining seamstress is there. Queen Frostine opens the meeting with these humble words: "I need everybody to tell me what your role is going to be in making this, my dream, come to life." She reveals the name of the line to them, She by Sheree, and describes it as "sexybeautifulclassyelegant clothes for the masses."

Let's go over this again: she has a sketch artist, a pattern maker, a seamstress, a mofo lifestyle consultant, a publicist and an assistant. What exactly does Sheree actually do for this line aside from bankrolling it and waxing eloquent about her overall awesomeness?

At the meeting, Sheree's "viewing" is discussed (sounds funereal, doesn't it? It's a fashion show but Sheree refuses to call it that). She wants "ballers and politicians" there, and "no riff raff." Next step: "quality samples." FORESHADOWING.

5. NeNe takes her DNA test at a place in a strip mall that looks like it also makes payday loans and cashes suspicious checks. She is instant friends with the technician and poses saucily for her lab record:

NeNe, I don't care if half of your google alerts call you ghetto. I love you.

She expresses anxiety over the possibility that Curtis may not be her father. (FORESHADOWING)

6. At DeShawn's house, DeShawn tells NeNe that she wants to invite all of the housewives over for a "sunset barbecue" (I know! She insists on this ridic term.) She wants to "clear the air." NeNe responds with some bulletproof logic: "I'm not gonna pretend I like either one of those bitches [Kim and Sheree] because I don't like them."

Right then and there, DeShawn calls and invites Sheree (who is a total bitch but agrees to come) and Kim (DeShawn just leaves a message for her).

7. There's a bunch of gratuitous footage of Sheree casting male models for her "viewing" (I can't even type that word without picturing a casket).

Why male models, Sheree? Why not women, since you are making clothes for women? Ooooh, these questions shall soon be answered.

8. The day before the viewing, Sheree arrives home to find her "quality samples" in a dry cleaners' bag hooked to her front door. They are "cheap!" and "wrong!" Kim comes over and agrees. I had to chuckle at the elastic on the evening gowns. FYI, Kim is wearing a really short skirt and all I could think about was how her bare cooter was making full contact with Sheree's couch. You know Sheree's servants Febreze-ed the shit out of that after Kim left.

And now, the ass-ripping heard 'round the world: Sheree calls the seamstress and tells her she's "not woman enough" and screaming about the whole "you've ruined my joy" bs. Kim is barely concealing a smile, which makes me dislike her even more.

Sheree gets off the phone and says "I'm crushed. I worked so hard to have it fableeous." Kim says something trite and insincere before dragging herself off of the couch. Sheree tells the camera "but I do have sketches! The show must go on."

9. The sunset barbecue! Lisa shows up. NeNe shows up. After two hours, Kim and Sheree have not shown, nor have they called. NeNe says "this is so like them! So tacky!" SO TRUE. Cut to Sheree, who's annoyed and tells the camera, "I couldn't make it. I mean what do you want me to do?" Oh, how about CALL DESHAWN to tell her that, you nasty bitch! Cut to petulant Kim who says "I don't want to go to to DeShawn's barbecue. I didn't feel like it. I don't want to sit around and eat chicken with NeNe." (insert a piggy snort of derision with racist undertones here).

DeShawn's image of herself as a society lady and hostess is clearly in the crapper.

10. The day of Sheree's viewing. She's still super-pissed about the samples and cusses a magnificent blue streak when talking to a friend. She tries to buck herself up and says "no samples at the show? Just make it a fableeous party."

Cut to the fableeous party, complete with red carpet, ice sculptures, and male models with body paint. All of the guests, even Sheree's defender Lisa, are confused and whispering "where are the models? Where are the clothes?" Someone approaches Sheree, "what a beautiful dress! Is that your design?'' When Sheree responds with a tired "I wish!" I almost, but not quite, feel sorry for her.

Sheree maintains that she's not embarrassed: "I never said what we were viewing." Ah, saved by a technicality. Whew.

11. The next day, NeNe and Dwight get pedicures and gossip about Sheree's bomb of a party.

Dwight calls for everyone to admire his beautiful feet. Then he comments that he is 50 and his secret to staying young is having sex 3 times a day. NeNe is flabbergasted and guesses that they must be quickies. Dwight shakes his head no--"I don't do express." Really, Dwight? You have full sessions of sex 3 times a day? Darling, you are TOTALLY LYING in order to get some attention. However, your hairstyle suggests that you did just arrive from some sweaty and wild lovemaking.

The two go on to snicker about how a radio show was talking about Sheree's "fashion show with no fashion" and Dwight remarks sagely that "everybody that have money just can't open a bizness and call it a day." They speak of karma, and how it is a bitch.

12. Lisa hears from her NFL husband that he has been picked up by the Raiders and will be in Oakland for football season. Meh, who cares.

13. NeNe receives the results of her DNA paternity test.

Curtis is not her father. No chance. NeNe is in stunned. Gregg is a rock.

See you TONIGHT (Tuesday) for the season finale. Can't wait!

Breaking News

Dallas Austin's purported myspace and blog are both claiming that his work with Kim was a sham. In other words, it was as fake as Kim's hair/Sheree's smile/DeShawn's office/NeNe's nails.

If this is true, I am devastated.

According to his blog:

"I'm NOT



working with Kim Zolciak the "Atlanta Housewife"! That was only for TV!! There was NO SONG or ALBUM!!!!!!!!"

What happened to the "genuine friendship"? Was Kim in on the joke? Or did she really think she had a singing career in front of her (please oh please oh please)? Who's going to record "Don't Be Tardy to the Party"?

Most importantly, who the fuck at Bravo is in charge of making people sign contracts to keep their mouths shut so that we may believe in the beautiful illusion that is The Real Housewives of Atlanta?

Talk to me.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Tim Gunn, would you care for some brown sugar?

Yes, that's who you think it is. There really are no words.

Screenshot from

Thursday, November 13, 2008

This show is starting to get icky. Well, more icky than usual.


Real Housewives of Atlanta cast member Kim is considering legal action against Lisa Wu Hartwell for some threatening voicemails that Lisa has been leaving on Kim's cell phone. How quickly this show is devolving into an episode of Cops. TMZ interviewed Kim and her attorney here and one of the voicemails is played. It sounds angry for sure, but not in an I'm-gonna-to-rip-your-wig-off-and-beat-your-ass-with-it way. The tone is more like I-know-you're-trying-to-avoid-me-after-the-mean-shit-you-talked-and-I-won't-stand-for-it.

Rumor has it that the threats stem from Kim leaking the news that Lisa does not have custody of her children from a previous marriage because of drug addiction. I guess that would explain Lisa's crazy excess energy. In an interview with Essence magazine, Lisa does say that she can't go into details, but that she went nuts on Kim after Kim (verbally) attacked her during the taping of the reunion show. (I bet Andy Cohen was shitting his pants!) When Essence asked about not having custody of her kids, she says that there was no misconduct on her part, that's she's "never done drugs."

Doesn't Kim's attorney look like a pit boss?

In the TMZ interview, you'll note that Kim casually prefaces a sentence with "when I was on the set of The Joneses, which is the movie that Sheree and I are doing with Demi Moore and David Duchovny...." Wow, Kim's acting career has really taken off! Strangely, this movie is not listed in her imdb credits. I'm sure Demi appreciated the shout-out, though. (and if Kim is actually in this movie, with any sort of speaking part, I will eat her wig, strand by strand.)

A commenter (the sharp-eyed Megan) in my last post provided a link stating that Kim and Big Papa are over. I can't confirm this. To the contrary, I found a video of Kim (filmed yesterday) saying that they are engaged, Big Papa is separated, and he will go public very soon, perhaps before Season 2. My bets are still on Lee Najjar--the only catch is that he's not a "celebrity." Incidentally, Kim is sitting two seats away from Lisa, so wtf, Kim? You must be really frightened.

The reporter who conducted the interview also claims that NeNe met Gregg while she was a stripper in Atlanta, and that she has cheated on Gregg a few times. Dammit, NeNe! This hurts team morale!

That's all I have. I'm very concerned about Orange County and how they might attempt to top all of this.

Recap to follow.

Update: Lisa tells her side of the story to Essence. There are details, people! She's way more credible than that low budget bitch Kim. Read it here.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

It's ON, Kim!

I knew that there was a recent video of Andy Cohen interviewing the cast of RHOA , but I had never watched it until now.

OH SHIT. It's good.

First, Kim reveals that Big Papa is not black.

Second, blogs are discussed. Kim says she doesn't read blogs anymore because they upset her so much. She also says "these bloggers, they have nothing else to do but sit on their fat asses and write stuff."

Kim, you WISH you knew what my ass looks like. Mmmm, jelly jelly jelly!

NeNe, by the way, is basking in our love.

Kim also attempts to justify her frenzied spending of Big Papa's money, and there's a funny "¿donde esta DeShawn?" moment. You should watch it.

Oh, and Andy Cohen? You're in my chair.

(subscribers, click on through to watch the video)

Monday, November 10, 2008

"I end up on the pole. How does that happen?" PART II

1. When we last left the Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kim was smoking and drinking a harmless little glass of chard in the driver's seat of her Porsche. Now Sheree, in the passenger's seat, tells Kim that NeNe "has a song" (a #1 hit single!) that makes fun of Kim's singing career. Remember, Sheree was not in the limo when NeNe was singing the song. So how did she know about it? "I was told in the strictest confidence," Sheree tells the camera, "and I will not reveal my source." At first, I thought "LISA! It had to be Lisa!" But Lisa says this on her blog:
The song? It amazes me how many times this story has changed. I did discuss the song with Sheree. How Kim found out is still a puzzle to me. I was told that Kim found out by someone that was in the limo that the viewers couldn't see. I've heard several stories, (including I was the one to tell Kim).
What? Things aren't adding up. Didn't Lisa watch the show? Either Lisa is doing some poor c.y.a. or Bravo has engaged in some editing tomfoolery. I don't know what to believe! Lisa also suggests on her blog that she is on NeNe's side in this argument:
Nene and I have grown to become close friends and there is a lot more to her than just drama. She is a fun person that says what she feels. I didn't know that everything she says, she has already said it to them (a woman after my own heart).
Snitch or not, Lisa appears to be the most level-headed person on the show, and her statement reassures me that the core value of Team NeNe continues to be non-fake-assery. (But to be honest, I would cling to any excuse to remain on Team NeNe.) Bottom line is, once Sheree had her second-hand information, she ran to Kim with it.

Did I just write a full paragraph on this stupid fight?

Back to the parking lot. Kim says "NeNe has talked so much shit about me, it's unbelievable. I mean really, fucking dumbass." She's super-pissed as she drives off.

2. For some reason (which is code for "at Bravo's insistence"), all of the Housewives meet at a lingerie store. Lisa is the only one there when Kim and Sheree saunter in. Kim, wearing her sunglasses and an heaping serving of boob, casually remarks that she doesn't wear underwear.

Ugh. All that did was conjure up a vision of Kim in her too-short skirts leaving some sort of snail's trail on the seat of her car. (sorry so gross) (but it must be true.) She goes on to announce that Big Papa likes "granny panties." I knew he liked it freaky in the bedroom! What else could Kim possibly bring to the table?

Everyone has some wine! NeNe and DeShawn walk in and DeShawn is greeted warmly while NeNe is pretty much ignored. NeNe is confused but carries on. Kim (still in sunglasses) and Sheree leave soon after because "it's too tense." NeNe says she has no idea what's going on but that Kim has been manipulated by Sheree and "poor Kim's wig is squeezin' her brain." A-HA! This confirms our suspicions--wig city.

3. Kim and Sheree go to a Mexican restaurant to meet famous producer Dallas Austin to discuss Kim's meeting with her vocal coach. Before Dallas arrives, Sheree tells Kim that they must order the guacamole; it's the best thing on the menu. Kim tells Sheree that she's never had guacamole. This is very suspicious to me, but something tells me that Kim doesn't like anything plant-based in her system. The guacamole is made tableside with a mortar and pestle and you can tell it's going to be muy, muy bueno. Kim's reaction: "It's being made in a ROCK? You're out of your fuckin' mind! That can't be very sanitary." OH, FOR THE MOTHER LOVE OF GOD, Kim! Since when have you and your pantiless cooch been concerned with sanitation? And she's never seen a mortar and pestle before? Kim acts like a 5 year old when she finally tastes it, making a barf face and calling it "green garbage" and saying that it "tastes like shit." Nice manners! I'm sure Big Papa is bursting with pride.

Dallas arrives. Sheree gets a little gooey-eyed. In the words of Kanye, "I ain't sayin' she a gold digger..."

Yes, YOU, Sheree.

Kim is wondering how to tell Dallas that the vocal coach said her voice needs a lot (a LOT) of work. She starts by repeating the "beautiful house, cracked foundation" analogy that Jan told her.

Then she recounts a part of the conversation that we didn't hear, the part where Kim is told she's going to have to learn from the ground up, just as if she were a baby learning how to talk. Kim says to Dallas: "She says 'what's 2 +2', I said '4'; she said 'how do you spell cat', I said 'k-a-t'."

Cut to Sheree whose eyes dart around to catch someone's eye as if to say "wtf? Did she just say k-a-t?"

Really, is anyone that dumb? I'm going to give Kim the benefit of the doubt on this one and say that she fumbled, perhaps because of the wine in the car and the lunchtime drinkie-poo. In any case, Sheree tells the camera that Kim and Dallas have a "genuine friendship." Yes! A genuine friendship that's contingent upon a massive flow of cash from Big Papa to Dallas.

4. Meanwhile, NeNe and DeShawn are having lunch. DeShawn deduces that NeNe's song must be the cause of Kim's rebuff. According to DeShawn, the whole thing was blown out of proportion and "this is not how elite society in Atlanta acts." I'll say. But this show isn't about elite Atlanta society, is it? DeShawn tells NeNe she's going to call Kim and get the whole thing straightened out.

Cut to Kim at lunch with Sheree. When Kim answers her phone and hears DeShawn's voice SHE HANGS UP ON HER. Kim knew that NeNe was with DeShawn and "I didn't want to deal with it," Kim shrugs. Poor naive DeShawn calls back and leaves a voicemail for Kim that basically says "I don't know what happened! My phone's dead! I'm with NeNe, call me back!"

NeNe, on the other hand, knows what's up. She's sad. She knows Kim's mad about the song and says "something that was pure innocent fun changed into drama."

Meanwhile, Kim says "NeNe's been pretty disrespectful!" Oh, the irony! Sheree responds with "she's miserable inside." You know what, Sheree? Shut it.

5. NeNe wants to start her own foundation to help victims of domestic abuse. Apparently she was in an abusive relationship in her 20s. She talks it over with Gregg and he is an endless fount of support and love (and of course a little bit o' money). I know he doesn't look like it in this photo, but really, he is.

NeNe's going to name the foundation Twisted Hearts and have a brunch to raise $20,000. She said she's learned from DeShawn's mistakes and will make it a small, private event.

6. Kim arrives at Dallas Austin's studio to record Tightrope. Check it:

What? Doesn't everyone wear a white top hat to a recording session? All she needs is a diamond tipped cane and some high-heeled tap shoes and she's ready for A Whore-us Line. Oh my God, I cannot get "ONE...singular sensation, every little step she takes..." out of my head. But seriously, is this not the BEST outfit you have ever seen?! I'm going to put it on my sidebar. And perhaps make another coffee cup.

Dallas tells the camera that this is the first time he's worked with someone he's never heard sing. Oh, he's in for a treat! Kim needs the lyrics in front of her as she sings and is of course spectacularly out of tune. He has Kim listen to the recording she's just made because "part of getting better is listening to yourself." To me, it's more like rubbing the puppy's face in her own pee.

Looks like it has finally dawned on Kim that her voice sucks. Dallas is unbelievably patient and kind, but tells the camera, "Kim needs basic training before she can record a song or we're wasting everybody's time." Yes, but at least you're getting PAID for your time, Dallas.

7. Sheree has dinner at Lisa's house. If you put "hater," "real-ass" and "fake" in a bunch of different combinations, then you get the gist of this conversation.

They are obliquely referring to the NeNe and Kim situation. As Kim likes to say, "whatever."

8. NeNe has a meeting at her house to organize the Twisted Hearts Big Hat brunch. According to NeNe, everyone will wear big hats, which are a tradition in the African-American community. NeNe even has fancy hats delivered to the meeting and one of the women shouts "Do you have really big hats? I need something that can hold a lotta weave!"

Work it:

You too, girl!

God love that Gregg.

8. Sheree is at home and gets a phone call from "yet another" person who says NeNe is bad-mouthing her. Sheree says "she's a hater! Let your hater be your motivator!" and a bunch of other canned bullshit. Sheree immediately calls Kim who says that she's going to text NeNe and tell her to "stay the hell out of my life."

9. NeNe gets the eloquent text while she's driving:
I can't believe the shit you talked about me. You have no class. You are so evil! Don't ever call me again! You are a low budget bitch!

How about THAT! At least she spelled everything correctly. Kim, I hate to break it to you, but only low budget bitches call other people low budget bitches.

NeNe is more shocked than upset about this email. She calls Gregg who says "oh, it's about the song." NeNe's parting words are "we were having fun. Kim has been manipulated."

And it's over! For now. Tomorrow, Kim and Sheree get stranded on an island (I know, but that's what Bravo tells me) and NeNe finds out the result of her DNA test. Let's take bets, shall we? Tell me what you thought of the episode and who you think NeNe's dad is--Curtis or The Pretender.

Oh, as promised:

Instances in which "being real" is mentioned in this episode: At least 3 but I know that some must have slipped past me in all of the drama.

Instances in which the word "hater" is mentioned: At least 5. There was some rapid-fire hater language during the Lisa-Sheree scene and I didn't want to slow down to keep track.

See you tomorrow, my high budget bitches!