Monday, November 17, 2008

"You ruined it! You ruined my joy!"

Thank you, Sheree, for your angry and verbally inventive phone call to your seamstress. From this day forward, "you ruined my joy" shall play a key role in my own personal tirades. I shall shriek it at the top of my lungs to anyone who displeases me. It perfectly expresses the shamefulness of the action, yet keeps the focus on me. Brilliant!

Cheers, bitch, to your magical use of the English language.

This Real Housewives of Atlanta recap is inexcusably late. If I have inadvertently ruined anyone's joy, please accept my deepest apologies. Let's get to it!

1. Kim and Sheree head out to a private island in a boat captained by Kim's minion Cori. Here's Kim, enjoying the fresh air:

Oops, I mean taking a pull off of her cigarette and drinking a glass of wine. If you want my opinion, the cigarette was just a handy excuse to crouch down so her wig wouldn't blow off.

Kim says a bunch of stupid stuff in this scene, including "is that a fucking clam?" followed by this:

Idiot. Is anyone else unable to stop staring at the part in her wig?

After the ladies reach the island and consume even more wine, Kim talks about how Big Papa thinks that NeNe is a "hot mess." When the wine gets too sandy, they all return to the boat only to find that Cori can't start it. As Cori is talking on her phone to someone, Kim starts freaking out about Gilligan's Island and building a house and how they will never get off that island! OMFG, so annoying. Cori hangs up, tries the boat again. Everything's fine, and the crisis of living for 15 minutes without Chardonnay is narrowly averted.

2. Sheree talks about her new fashion line, and how the people of Atlanta "look up to her" for fashion and that it's her "God-given gift." That's funny, I thought her God-given gift was trash-talking NeNe and kissing Kim's butt. Anyhow, she's proud to be funding her line all on her own, to the tune of $100,000.

3. NeNe hosts a big hat brunch for her newly created Twisted Hearts foundation. With Bravo's sad music playing in the background, NeNe testifies about her own personal experience with domestic violence--sexual, physical and emotional abuse at the hand of a boyfriend.

Everyone's eyes are covered by the big hats at the brunch, and let me tell you, it's very disconcerting. I kept leaning down in order to get a better angle to see some eyes, but it was of no use as everyone was, you know, on tv.

The brunch raises $19,200. Nice work, NeNe! I'm sure Anderson Cooper (let's give him a nickname--Refined Sugar?) is very proud of you.

4. Sheree meets with her team--her sketch artist, a "lifestyle consultant" (wtf?), her publicist, and her 13 year old assistant.

Sheree also mentions a pattern-maker. It is unclear whether the joy-ruining seamstress is there. Queen Frostine opens the meeting with these humble words: "I need everybody to tell me what your role is going to be in making this, my dream, come to life." She reveals the name of the line to them, She by Sheree, and describes it as "sexybeautifulclassyelegant clothes for the masses."

Let's go over this again: she has a sketch artist, a pattern maker, a seamstress, a mofo lifestyle consultant, a publicist and an assistant. What exactly does Sheree actually do for this line aside from bankrolling it and waxing eloquent about her overall awesomeness?

At the meeting, Sheree's "viewing" is discussed (sounds funereal, doesn't it? It's a fashion show but Sheree refuses to call it that). She wants "ballers and politicians" there, and "no riff raff." Next step: "quality samples." FORESHADOWING.

5. NeNe takes her DNA test at a place in a strip mall that looks like it also makes payday loans and cashes suspicious checks. She is instant friends with the technician and poses saucily for her lab record:

NeNe, I don't care if half of your google alerts call you ghetto. I love you.

She expresses anxiety over the possibility that Curtis may not be her father. (FORESHADOWING)

6. At DeShawn's house, DeShawn tells NeNe that she wants to invite all of the housewives over for a "sunset barbecue" (I know! She insists on this ridic term.) She wants to "clear the air." NeNe responds with some bulletproof logic: "I'm not gonna pretend I like either one of those bitches [Kim and Sheree] because I don't like them."

Right then and there, DeShawn calls and invites Sheree (who is a total bitch but agrees to come) and Kim (DeShawn just leaves a message for her).

7. There's a bunch of gratuitous footage of Sheree casting male models for her "viewing" (I can't even type that word without picturing a casket).

Why male models, Sheree? Why not women, since you are making clothes for women? Ooooh, these questions shall soon be answered.

8. The day before the viewing, Sheree arrives home to find her "quality samples" in a dry cleaners' bag hooked to her front door. They are "cheap!" and "wrong!" Kim comes over and agrees. I had to chuckle at the elastic on the evening gowns. FYI, Kim is wearing a really short skirt and all I could think about was how her bare cooter was making full contact with Sheree's couch. You know Sheree's servants Febreze-ed the shit out of that after Kim left.

And now, the ass-ripping heard 'round the world: Sheree calls the seamstress and tells her she's "not woman enough" and screaming about the whole "you've ruined my joy" bs. Kim is barely concealing a smile, which makes me dislike her even more.

Sheree gets off the phone and says "I'm crushed. I worked so hard to have it fableeous." Kim says something trite and insincere before dragging herself off of the couch. Sheree tells the camera "but I do have sketches! The show must go on."

9. The sunset barbecue! Lisa shows up. NeNe shows up. After two hours, Kim and Sheree have not shown, nor have they called. NeNe says "this is so like them! So tacky!" SO TRUE. Cut to Sheree, who's annoyed and tells the camera, "I couldn't make it. I mean what do you want me to do?" Oh, how about CALL DESHAWN to tell her that, you nasty bitch! Cut to petulant Kim who says "I don't want to go to to DeShawn's barbecue. I didn't feel like it. I don't want to sit around and eat chicken with NeNe." (insert a piggy snort of derision with racist undertones here).

DeShawn's image of herself as a society lady and hostess is clearly in the crapper.

10. The day of Sheree's viewing. She's still super-pissed about the samples and cusses a magnificent blue streak when talking to a friend. She tries to buck herself up and says "no samples at the show? Just make it a fableeous party."

Cut to the fableeous party, complete with red carpet, ice sculptures, and male models with body paint. All of the guests, even Sheree's defender Lisa, are confused and whispering "where are the models? Where are the clothes?" Someone approaches Sheree, "what a beautiful dress! Is that your design?'' When Sheree responds with a tired "I wish!" I almost, but not quite, feel sorry for her.

Sheree maintains that she's not embarrassed: "I never said what we were viewing." Ah, saved by a technicality. Whew.

11. The next day, NeNe and Dwight get pedicures and gossip about Sheree's bomb of a party.

Dwight calls for everyone to admire his beautiful feet. Then he comments that he is 50 and his secret to staying young is having sex 3 times a day. NeNe is flabbergasted and guesses that they must be quickies. Dwight shakes his head no--"I don't do express." Really, Dwight? You have full sessions of sex 3 times a day? Darling, you are TOTALLY LYING in order to get some attention. However, your hairstyle suggests that you did just arrive from some sweaty and wild lovemaking.

The two go on to snicker about how a radio show was talking about Sheree's "fashion show with no fashion" and Dwight remarks sagely that "everybody that have money just can't open a bizness and call it a day." They speak of karma, and how it is a bitch.

12. Lisa hears from her NFL husband that he has been picked up by the Raiders and will be in Oakland for football season. Meh, who cares.

13. NeNe receives the results of her DNA paternity test.

Curtis is not her father. No chance. NeNe is in stunned. Gregg is a rock.

See you TONIGHT (Tuesday) for the season finale. Can't wait!


Natalie said...

I need a NeNe & Dwight spin-off STAT!

Loved your re-cap as always! It was fableeous...but in a good way.

muranogirl said...

"Refined Sugar", priceless!!
Genius recap as usual!

Oh Sheree, Sheree. I was cringing the entire time.
In the industry, we make a first sample in a fabric that's not precious, fit the sample, tweak things here and there, make corrections to the pattern then recut and sew the garment in the actual fabric.
I always associated a "viewing" with funerals. What the hell?

Scandalous Housewife said...

Ahhhh, yes, tonight! It's on! Are they all going to kiss and make up, or leave us with some faux cliff hanger-type shit?

Anonymous said...

I never thought I'd type this, but I almost feel sorry for Sheree and Kim (but their attacks on my beloved NeNe prevent me from completely going there). Their ideas about what it takes to succeed in the fashion and music business are like that of 14 year olds. I think Kim watched too many episodes of Hannah Montanna and thought, " I have a cheap blonde wig too....I can be a star), and Sheree must have caught a marathon of Kimora's Life in the Fab Lane, and didn't realize that while Kimora also "designs" by approving the sketches and samples of minions, those minions are experienced, well paid professionals of the new york fashion trade who spend months working on samples, not 3 weeks. Is it delusion or chardonnay? Which atlanta housewife will be first to be on celebrity rehad with Dr. Drew? My money's on KIm.

Anonymous said...

We really must unravel the mystery that is Kim's hair/wig/weave. Sometimes she has dark roots, but wouldn't a wig hide the roots? Sometimes she has dark hair extension-looking pieces, sometimes she doesn't. Please, someone explain.
Did anyone else catch that she claims to be 29 and that she told the singing teacher that she's been smoking for 15 years!!! And that she smokes 20 cigs a day---in the house with her children breathing the second hand smoke! And remember when Dallas pulled up to her house in his Ferrari and she took a last puff and threw the lit butt into her own front bushes!!! Classy.

Catherine said...

I enjoy your recaps more than the shows sometimes!

Kim's wig is the 6th housewife! The comment that Kim made about Big Poppa not liking NeNe were very funny. Your married, anonymous, sugar daddy calling someone a mess is slightly ironic. Am I to assume that Cori is married to a man with means? I always thought that she was mooching off of Kim and Big Papa!! You learn something new everyday.

Ummm Sheree, who get's samples the day before a fashion show?! Her dress at the fashion show was lovely. I don't know, I would have made sure that I wore one of my own designs at a party promoting my fashion line, but that is just me:)

I like NeNe. The stuff she says about you behind your back, please believe she already told you to your face. I wonder what Curtis' reaction to the news will be.

I will be watching tonight!!

Anonymous said...

i love your recaps...and like everyone else, think they're funnier than the show! of course, i'm so yicked out by kim and her lack of underpants, that's all i can think of when i see her (thanks to your earlier comments). it's deeply, deeply disturbing.

every time i watch one of these "real" housewife shows, i'm reminded that while money can buy you a lot (boobs, hair, giant swimming pools, etc...), it certainly CANNOT buy you taste or style. and i'm always completely fascinated by how tacky these rich ladies are...bravo shows shots of prada or d&g, and then we see these women with giant boobs wearing sequenced tops and forever21 style
i always walk away feeling better about myself!

Anonymous said...

have you seen the two "fight" clips over on bravo's website? there is one with kim and lisa and one with kim and nene. yikes:

Anonymous said...

What is Kim's real hair like?
Do you think it's just stubble? Or does she have some limp, colorless hanks randomly interspersed with bald spots?

shannon said...

i am laughing so f'ing hard. i live in the atl and get little bits of info. confirmed-sheree is not nice. kim is a skank. nene rocks. deshawn just needs to stop.

Habitually Chic said...

I LOVE that your recaps make me laugh out loud! You are too funny and I can't wait to read what you have to say about the finale!

Brittany said...

Like murano said, "Refined Sugar" is indeed priceless.

You, SGM, are insanely fabeelous. I saw the preview for the reunion and HOLY SHIT I CAN NOT WAIT!

Anonymous said...

I thought Sheree said joint, "you ruined my joint!", slang for what she has going on. I could be wrong but I laughed both ways.

The Lil Bee said...

Here's Kim, enjoying the fresh air!!!

Oh I am DYING!

Harvey Millstein, Certified Interior Decorator, said...

I would have loved to see Kim dig a half-smoked cig out of the sand, straighten it out, and light up.

Anonymous said...

The only way someone who looks like Dwight is getting laid (let alone getting laid three times a day) is by paying for it.

Tubereuse said...

It's "You ruint my joint."

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