Friday, November 7, 2008

"I end up on the pole. How does that happen?"

Ah, Lisa Wu Hartwell, this is an age-old question and the subject of many essays written by Women's Studies majors all over the country.


But we're not going to go that deep. Let me tell you how one "ends up on the pole" in Lisa's case. Sheree has an idea: "Two strippers is gonna come in and show us how to work the pole" (Sheree has the most terrible grammar, btw. At first I thought she was nervous and mis-speaking, but it's just been too consistent and I can't ignore it any longer). Much drinking ensues. EVERYONE ENDS UP ON THE POLE.

Truly, this was one of the best episodes of reality tv I've seen in a long time. It's taken me so long to write this recap because I keep reliving the scenes in my head and staring off into space in wonderment. Then I think to myself, "what if writing about it destroys the magic?" It's that good. I'll take my chances--here is your Real Housewives of Atlanta recap:

1. Let's start with the Pole Party. Here is the teacher.

She brings her own pole. (The logistics of this really bogged me down for a while, but it looked stable so I just had to let it go). We see her wipe the pole down with a yellow cloth. She treats it with with respect. "In Atlanta, we pole a completely different way than the rest of the country," she says matter-of-factly. Who knew stripping had different...dialects?

She and her partner teach the women how to "shake they jelly"--shake it so much that it is but a blur.


Then there is the personal coaching. Here is Sheree, being spotted and performing such an advanced move that it looks like an Olympic event:

And maybe it should be.

Dude, she is defying gravity. She's burning her jelly on the lightbulb, yet she just sticks herself to that ceiling like she is made of...well, I could say something really gross here but shall refrain because I am a lady (hear that, Kim?). Just think of the grossest sticky thing that could be on a stripper pole. Incidentally, I showed this photo to my husband, prefaced with a "you are NOT going to believe this," and he wasn't nearly as impressed as I wanted him to be. "Yeah," he said "there's someone like that at every strip club." Do college recruiters know what a goldmine of athleticism these places are?

Sheree sums up the experience with this equation:

"(women) + (alcohol) + (a pole) = a great time. A GREAT time."

2. Kim is in the kitchen with her personal chef (seriously, how much does Kim cost you, Big Papa?). She starts to sing to the radio, and it marks the first time we hear her belt out a tune.


Naturally, she is smoking. Because of the music and the voice-overs, I couldn't hear her very well and was thinking "wait, is she really that bad? Is it that she's just not trying? How does she think she can be a singer if she can't carry a tune?" As if Kim has read my mind, she says "I always get what I want. I'm not real worried about it." I would be, especially if I was bankrolling this trainwreck. BIG PAPA, I AM TALKING TO YOU.

3. NeNe's trying to help her 9 year old with his math homework. Gregg has to intervene because NeNe is not getting the fractions, as in "is 1/3 bigger than 1/2?". I don't hold this against NeNe (which is exactly what Anderson Cooper would say), but this scene really endeared me to Gregg. He has such a stabilizing influence on NeNe.


4. DeShawn receives a Rolex from her husband for her birthday. Bravo does not tell us how much it costs. wtf? Here she is, apparently shaking the box.


DeShawn tells Eric that she's not going to wear the watch that night because it's silver and she's wearing gold. She doesn't want to "mix metals." Oh, Jesus. Stop acting so early 90s and call your stylist, DeShawn! Eric, if you buy me a Rolex (vintage, please) you can bet your sweet ass I'd wear it.

5. DeShawn has a birthday dinner with her husband, Lisa and Ed, and NeNe and Gregg. NeNe drinks a little too much and starts to get loud, but she's still lovable NeNe. She crosses the line a bit when she's rude to the waitstaff and starts talking shit about Sheree: "She's very fake. I'm for real." It's important to note that Lisa and Ed are obviously uncomfortable.

(I swear to God, I am going to start a tally for how many times being "real" is mentioned on this show. Look for it at the end of my recaps from now on.)

THEN, when dinner is finished and they all pile into the limo, NeNe starts to sing theatrically, "I'm pretending to be friends with Dallas Austin...I know he's doing a favor for my man...." So, it's clearly about Kim's (figurative) fake ass. Lisa tells the camera in disbelief, "wow, that's your friend?" DeShawn is giggling and tells the camera she was just cracking up at NeNe and didn't realize the song was about Kim (she's so dense that I actually believe her). Gregg wisely tells NeNe to shut it.


6. Kim goes to get botox, accompanied by her new bff Sheree. Here is Kim giving Sheree the bird (not blurred out) because Sheree has perfect skin (just another reason to hate the bitch):


"Black don't crack," Kim remarks. Kim states that she has been getting botox since she was 24. For migraines, of course. Would you like a closer look at Kim's Alpine hooker outfit?


She looks like she's headed to the set to film a Heidi porno.

7. The moment you've been waiting for--Kim's visit to the vocal coach, Jan, a bigwig who's trained the voices of Usher and Rob Thomas. It is quickly established that Kim can't match any sort of pitch, and worse, can't even hear that she's not matching the pitch. In essence, Kim's singing pretty much shits the bed.


"What's that have to do with recording music in the studio?" Kim asks with great seriousness. OMFG. Then she has the balls to tell the camera, "She's nit-picking me. She's telling me I don't know the ABCs of singing. I don't need to, I'm a singer." Um, I think there's some faulty logic in there, toots.

8. Next, Kim and Sheree are sitting in Kim's convertible outside of a strip mall listening to Kim's "#1 hit single" Tightrope. Kim is smoking, drinking a glass of Chardonnay (Big Papa must have suspended the open container law for her) and singing in her shit-ass voice. Sheree tells her she has the voice of an angel and Kim eats that right up, smiling modestly. Sheree then tells the camera that Kim has a "beautiful" voice. This is such a flat-out lie that there can only be one explantion: Sheree is using Kim to get into Dallas Austin's pants. And bank account.


I will leave you in suspense for the next half of the show--you'd better believe it gets even better!

94 comments:

Natalie said...

How could I have missed this episode of all episodes?!

The magic was not lost in your re-cap and I'm waiting (patiently, I swear) for the 2nd half.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to find my bedazzler and embelish my granny panties with "Burnt Jelly".

shannon said...

BEST EPISODE EVER

Anonymous said...

SGM,

What was with Kim's Tryolean outfit!!! WTF!!!

Your recap is white hot shit!!!!

Smooches,

Muffy

The Lil Bee said...

F'ing BRILLIANT! This really was the best episode yet.

Harvey Millstein, Certified Interior Decorator said...

When I heard the phrase "shake they jelly," tears of gratitude began to course down my face.

Anonymous said...

I agree - I got jelly that shakes too and now that I know that is the term for it I am SO gonna use it!

Anonymous said...

how could you not talk about Nene's husband asking her would she rather have 1/2 or 1/3 of a pie!!!!! Nene's answer: "depends what's in the pie"

ILMAO

Anonymous said...

Have Dwight (gay bf of NeNe) and Sheree ever been in a scene together? No? Could it be because...

They are the same person?

(organ music)

Sarah's Fab Day said...

I know it's shameful that I haven't watched this yet. I get so embarrased by Kim & NeNe's antics that I can only watch little pieces at a time. I'm lost...who's Dallas Austin?

muranogirl said...

You are too funny!!
Believe it or not, the Alpine hooker outfit is from Gucci 2007! Oh how the mighty have fallen without Tom Ford! Although I believe Kim might make any designer's collection look like hooker-wear!

http://www.frillr.com/?q=node/1053

Mint Julep said...

Please God tell me this is going to re-run today. What fucking planet does Kim live on?

zakary said...

I'm dying! This is too funny!

"Kim's singing pretty much shits the bed..." LOLOLOL!

Nice work, SGM aka Firestarter!

Dear Famous A$$hole said...

As per u, stellar analysis SGM.

I srsly feel bad for anyone who does NOT watch this show.

This episode was an epic payday for all us who have spent senseless hours in front of our flatscreens watching trash reality tv.

Thank you world.

karey m. said...

i started rewriting your more brilliant and killer-hilarious lines from this post.

but even i don't have that much time.

you. are. so. fecking. funny.

xoxo.

girldogtorch said...

How does Kim have such an amazing self-esteem, where she just _knows_ she can sing and _nothing_ can shake her sense of self?

And where do I get some?
Seriously: sitting here doing my grad school work, I'm going to be inspired by her blatant chutzpah and stop doubting my ability: I'm going to rock my intellectual jelly.

Anonymous said...

I am suspicious of the "Kim wanting to sing" storyline. She just doesn't seem into it. I think Bravo forced it on her, to give her a story. (Sort of like Bravo forcing Brad on The Rachel Zoe Project.)

Brittany said...

I. effing. love. you.

I watched about um...5 minutes of this episode, enough to hear Kim's voice, which is honestly all I wanted to see...but I'm incredibly pissed that I missed "shake the jelly"!

Classic Bravo, fantastic lines like, "Make it work", "I die", and now, "Shake the jelly".

Fab. I can't wait for the second half.

SGM said...

Oh, I love you all.

This episode was indeed the epic payday.

I totally agree w/ Muranogirl that Kim makes even couture look slutty. Quite a talent!

Dwight and Sheree just might be the same person. *snicker*

Keep shakin' the jelly!

Frank wants me to clarify that he is not some strip club aficionado/perv and only goes for bachelor parties.

Brilliant Asylum said...

Yes! Sheree is totally using Kimbo to get to Dallas Austin. Run Dallas run!

I still don't know who Big Poppa is, but I have zero respect for the man. And Kim is wasting her money on couture. She would look just as bad in something from The Limited for a whole lot less.

Excellent episode, stellar recap!

Anonymous said...

Sure Frank, sure, whatevah you say....wink wink

Anonymous said...

I need to get this off my chest. It's been bothering me for some time.

The accent in ShereƩ's name: It's on the wrong E.

There. Thank you.

southern gentleman said...

OMFG I love you SGM!!!
I'm with you about DeShawn. Is her foundation to support the mentally handicapped...thus carrying her name?

And Kim's shitashious weave/extensions/hairpieces have got to go. All of the money she's spending and she can't find someone to give her descent extensions?

jen said...

Every time I read the GENIUS that is SGM, I learn a new chestnut. I am now incorporating "shits the bed" into as many descriptions as possible.

Please address Kim's wig and your theories next time. I am transfixed.

Anonymous said...

SGM was mistaken. I enjoy going to strip clubs for bachelor parties, divorce parties, or any other appropriate time.

Frank

frida said...

The only thing better than this episode is your commentary on it. I also love the scene in an episode in which Kim (drinking yet again) expresses sorrow for people who were not born beautiful like she and Sheree and were and Sheree totally and in all seriousness agrees. They make the OC housewives sound like Harvard faculty.

desert dame said...

I love this show! I had a strong feeling Kim couldn't sing. Poor thing. I can't help but wonder though, she's become accustomed to $14K braclets and not having to work....so what happens when Big Papa pulls the rug out from under her and her wig from hell?

Habitually Chic said...

Hilarious! My friend and I watched this episode while we were getting ready to go out last night and couldn't believe our eyes...and ears. I was totally transfixed by Kim's hair. Is it a bad wig or extentions? Please figure that out for us. I too asked my friend how Kim has so much self confidence. Crazy! The fractions and what kind of pie quote had me dying as did Kim's voice and the stripper on the ceiling! I live in New York so I like to think I've seen everything but everytime I watch this show it's in wide eyed wonder at the "social elite" of Atlanta and their antics! It's such a train wreck that I can't help myself!

Anonymous said...

To answer the question about Kim's hair, I believe it is a wig...NeNe made some remark about Kim's wig squeezing her little head.

Kim: "How do you spell cat? K - A -T"

faithsalutes said...

The grammar is KILLING ME. I DIE.

Richie Designs said...

"She's burning her jelly on the lightbulb"

I don't think I've ever seen a more hilarious line EVER!!

Harvey Millstein, Certified interior Decorator said...

Is Kim balding under that thing? And why does that possibility bring me such pleasure?

I *Heart* You said...

i need someone to stitch "Black Don't Crack" on a pillow for me. any takers?

your recaps are art, SGM.

Pink Wallpaper said...

do you think kim wears a wig?? it's just not right....

Old House Junkie said...

Meow! So glad I found your blog. I love the show and find it fascinating that these women don't seem to have a clue as to how they come off on screen.

I highly doubt we are seeing Atlanta's true upper crust here. My understanding is that none of the real "society ladies" would agree to be on the show.

I'm lower middle class and have no problem with that, but I hope that if I suddenly found me a "Big Poppa" I'd have more sense than to spend his $ on the crap Kim buys!

I'm fearful for the gals, I'm afraid BP is gonna drop Kim with a thud soon-how freaky could she be with her helmet hair? Afraid DeShawn's husband is going to stray to a brainiac. Afraid NeNe's hubby is going to insist she wear a bra and lose the weight. Afraid the ice queen Sheree is gonna crack.

On the other hand, Lisa, you go girl. ohj

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