Friday, May 29, 2009

Essential reading material

1. Please see the NYTimes feature on the Jersey hobags.* If you haven't already seen Danielle's house tour (also part of the piece) on Decorno, well. You're going to need to do that ASAP.

2. Gawker's recap.

Thanks to all who sent me links.

Gotta go--it's time for me to hop on the bandwagon. Holla, Nuggets!

*I don't really think they're hobags (except for Danielle, of course). I was just trying to show off.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Enough of Bethenny's tushy!

"Well look at that! She really does have a pussy."*

It's time to discuss the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

1. So many of you have generously filled my inbox with news that Danielle currently has a few coke-dusted skeletons tumbling out of her closet. Thank you! If you are one of the three people on the earth who have not read about Danielle's (aka "Beverly's") drug-fueled shenanigans circa 1986, please go here for the rundown.

2. Speaking of Danielle, she had several moments in last Tuesday's episode that must be mentioned.

Let's start with this one:

"I have a pussy!"

Those of you who watched know that this is not a fake caption. Classy lady!

Next up, what about Danielle wanting to break up with her boyfriend Steve at the table during dinner with Steve, Jacqueline, Teresa and husbands? Once a deranged coke whore, always a deranged coke whore.

{a note to my Colorado peeps--doesn't Danielle's boyfriend look eerily like 9news anchor Gregg Moss?}


And finally, did you hear Danielle call Dina "cuntdescending" to the camera? Freudian slip, or an ingenious new word that needs to be submitted to Urban Dictionary IMMEDIATELY?

3. Despite Caroline's obvious control issues, she's my favorite right now. I love that she's so old school--the woman does not put up with foolishness! Actually, everyone is pretty likable. Except for the (allegedly) pussified Danielle.

4. Are you ready for some good news and a sentence that does not in some way reference a vagina? The deliciously gorgeous Albie has personal photos up at The bad news (at least for the ladies)--he's almost certainly gay.

Am I right?

5. I'm happy to report that Andy Cohen emailed me and graciously accepted the love we offered up to him last Friday. His email may or may not have contained the phrase "sweet-ass," which is exactly why we sent him love in the first place.

Don't forget Real Housewives of NYC Confess: A Watch What Happens Special, airing Thursday on Bravo at 8 pm (Eastern & Pacific).

Peace and pussies for all!

*For the record, the word "pussy" makes me cringe, and you will never, ever hear it come out of my mouth. But for some reason I CANNOT stop using it in this post. I am so sorry. Blame Danielle.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Skinnygirl Margaritas and Crack

They don't mix.

Seriously, Bethenny. What the hell?

UPDATED: nudie stills from a Bethenny movie in 1994--check 'em out here. (Good God, who do I think I am? Perez Hilton?) (thanks HG)

photo via tmz and tipster decorno

Because I don't want to get murdered, I will not comment on the too short dress or Caroline's control issues

I am also choosing to hold my tongue even though I want to scream "JESUS, Caroline! What is the big motherfucking deal about a head of lettuce and a slightly bigger carton of milk?!"

Watch Real Housewives of New Jersey tonight...or else.

Also, Bravo tells me that the Real Housewives of Washington DC is in development and looking for cast members. If you live in the Washington DC area, this is your chance to subject yourself to ridicule, ruin your marriage and damage your children, all while making a little extry cash! Speaking of subjecting yourself to ridicule etc., check out the heated Jon and Kate discussion in the comments of the previous post. Who knew that these people could get us so worked up?

(subscribers click through for the video)

Monday, May 25, 2009

Mo' money, mo' problems

Jon: I hate you. Look at my left hand. I can't even stand to touch you.

Kate: Just pretend I'm some barely legal slut. Swear to God, if I don't get an Us Weekly cover out of this, I will shove that tiki torch so far up your ass your hair plugs will pop out.

Are you going to watch this nonsense tonight?

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Gold lamé bikinis for children

Who knew?

Oh, how I love Teresa.

photo from here.

Friday, May 22, 2009

An Andy Cohen Love Fest!

Our darling Andy Cohen has been having a tough time over at his blog lately. In a nutshell, he's getting insulting emails from a humorless asshole (here and here). Because he's sweet Andy, he is trying to answer this person and give her a forum when really she just deserves a big FUCK OFF and a tap of the delete button. Also, it appears that Gloria (Jill's mom) chewed him out. I can tell he's feeling a little down about it all.

This man, as a senior vice president of Bravo, has brought us the Real Housewives series. Are we going to sit by and watch him suffer? NO. Andy needs a group hug from all of us. Let's kick off Memorial Day weekend by leaving your message of support to him in the comments. I will start.


You are a good person. Ignore the fertilizer that other people are giving you. I love and appreciate you for who you are.

With warmest hugs,

Your turn--don't be afraid to open your heart. Thanks for participating!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

"And on loan to us from Belleview psychiatric..."

Warning: language is a little nsfw

Please show the wickedly funny creator of this video some love in his youtube comments and let him know that we need some New Jersey.

(subscribers click through for the highlight of your morning)

Monday, May 18, 2009

"My whole house, it has nothing but marble, onyx and granite."

YES, there were many more ridiculous things said on the premiere episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, but Teresa's proud statement about her bajillion dollar tacky-ass home just captured the essence of the whole show, an essence that can only be described as vulgar, tasteless, and true to every stereotype we've ever heard about north New Jersey.

I find this very exciting.

I'm not going to recap this episode (watch the whole thing here) because, disappointingly, it was not much different than the preview show. However, there were a few important added scenes:

1. Teresa's husband Joe is in "construction," and she pays a furniture bill of $120,ooo in CASH. You draw your own conclusions.

My prediction for the season--Joe's office moves to the space above the Bada Bing.

Teresa should also be given credit for the most jaw-dropping moment of the show when says she's building The Palace of Marble, Onyx and Granite because it makes her "shkeeve" to look at other people's houses. "I don't want to live in someone else's house--that's gross." Totally! That's why I demand a brand new toilet every time I have to pee someplace other than my own house.

Despite all of those disparaging comments I just made about her, she is my favorite, and not just because her husband could have me whacked at any moment. She's truly hilarious and I think her best moments are yet to come.

2. Remember Danielle, who was going on a date with her internet phone sex partner who goes by the name of (air quotes) "Gucci Model"?

He stands her up.

Then her implants explode while she's lifting weights, and she dies!

Just kidding. But really, those implants looked painfully strained during this scene.

3. Dina's husband is cheating on her. This was not said outright, but we can all read between the lines. We know he's cheated on her before and on the show she says that he's hardly ever home. He couldn't even make it home for this,

which is just inexcusable in my book.

Dina has been set up as the bitch royale, but I like her for now because she made fun of Teresa's house, calling it a "banquet hall."

4. All of the cast members are "best friends" with their daughters.

"Clean your room! It's so messy in here I can't even find the beer and weed I bought for you."

5. Caroline's son Albie is HOT.

A little too close to mama, perhaps, but HOT nonetheless. Mmmm hmmm. We'll be keeping an eye on him.

Here's my deal with the Real Housewives of New Jersey: I'm going to wait until this season gets really juicy before I start recapping it. Frankly, the NYC women sucked the lifeblood out of me and I need to recharge. I'll still be posting and wanting to dish with all of you, but the recaps won't start for a few more weeks. Sound good? Okay. Let's talk.

**Update** I spelled Teresa's name wrong. I hate it when I spell names wrong. It has been corrected.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

"Tell me you're stopping with the Kelly because I CAN'T TAKE IT."

Not me, Ramoner. I say keep it coming! Just when I think Kelly can't get any dumber, SHE DOES. Bitch has the brain of an amoeba. A newborn amoeba! Everything out of her mouth is either completely irrelevant to the subject at hand or in direct contradiction to one of her previous irrelevant statements. Does that make sense, or did I somehow get transported into Kelly time? Listening to her speak causes my brain cells to shrivel up and beg for mercy.

Part 2 of the Real Housewives of New York City reunion was bananas. I could spend 10 hours trying to recount it and still not give you a good idea of how crazy bonkers it was, so let's just open it up for discussion.

Talking points:

1. Kelly's so "insular" (typically poor choice of wording), which is why she's on a reality show.

2. On Kelly's habit of not saying hi to people--Kelly says "what's the big deal?" and Bethenny has my favorite moment of the show, "It makes you a piece of shit, that's what's the big deal!" YES.

3. "I love to explore awesome people. I don't want to live in negative-town. I don't like fodder." a) Kelly IS fodder, and b) that quote needs to be on an effing t-shirt.

4. As you know, I am not the Countess' biggest fan, but I thought she handled herself pretty well in both Parts 1 and 2, and she asked Kelly the best and most pointed questions of the night. No disrespect to Andy Cohen. I LOVE YOU ANDY.

But I do agree that you could use a little haircut.

Do you think the Countess was really starting to cry when she put that pillow over her face?

5. Mario checking out the ladies (how did I miss that the first time around?) and Bethenny's "I think Mario wants to be a little star."

6. Ramoner's buggy eyes are apparently a sensitive subject?

7. Did Kelly say "when I went to the Brass Monkey and I saw the puss on her face"? (at the 1:45 mark HERE)

8. If I hear the word "branding" on any of these shows again, I will BLOW my BRAINS out.

9. Kelly's earnest "Normally I do. I do wear bras a lot."

10. I love Jill Zarin. So much.

Kelly: I want to talk about interesting fun things.

Bethenny: Like stuff? Let's talk about STUFF.

Andy Cohen: We're going over what happened this season on the show.

Kelly: But I'm bored with it.


12. NYC Prep looks so TRASHY and that's why we're going to watch it.

13. Alex. Mute but for two sentences while trying to translate for the K-bomb.

MAZEL on finishing the season, everyone! Obviously I thought the best parts of the reunion were Kelly's. What do you think? What did I miss? Give it to me.

If Kelly were any dumber, she'd be a plant

Part 2 of the Real Housewives of New York City is TONIGHT, and it promises to be even better than Part 1. Watch this clip--it's mostly about the Countess (and it will make you CRINGE) but then there's some classic Kelly and Bethenny at the end.

Everyone, including the adorable Jew-fro'd Andy Cohen, wants Kelly to explain/defend her infamous "up here down there" comment, but this next clip shows that she is incapable of answering any sort of direct question. Here is Kelly spouting a bunch of nonsense and ending up telling Bethenny that they "could have been best friends" because they're "COMPLETELY different," yet "EXACTLY the same."

Of course.

The magical debut of She by Sheree

"What's She by Sheree?" some of you may ask. Well, Google has deemed me the #2 authority in the world on this topic*, so I will be happy to enlighten you. She by Sheree is the much talked about and up until this point, imaginary, fashion line of the Real Housewives of Atlanta's original bitchface Sheree Whitfield. These photos, taken at She by Sheree's launch party on Tuesday, tell you much more about the line than I ever could:

Nothing says class like arriving in a Cinderella wedding carriage (see also: Lucinda's series on Irish Travelers).

Now onto the red carpet where Sheree poses with what appears to be a wax replica of Dwight Eubanks:

Such a shiny couple!

What could add even more cache to the event? The hint of a nipple, courtesy of castmate Lisa Wu Hartwell.

Poor Lisa. I actually like her--she's probably the most sane person on that show (and her husband Ed is nothing short of delicious). If Sheree had been a true friend, she would have pulled Lisa aside and helped her shove that baby back in the dress.

I know what you are thinking: what about the line itself? Yes, there were actual clothes at this event (unlike her last fashion show), and you can view them here. Lots of satin and big distracting hair. Go check it out.

* !!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

What's up, sluts?

Part 1 of the Real Housewives of New York City reunion show is TONIGHT (10 pm EST). Get ready for an hour full of indignation, smirks and boo-hooing.

Here's a clip of Kelly giving a rambling and contradictory account of her assault charge (subscribers click through):

My favorite part is Kelly's petulant "I don't want a tissue." I so wish the production assistant would have yelled from offstage "FUCK YOU, you orange buffoon!"

Are you getting bored with all of the stupid crap that comes out of Kelly's mouth? There's just such an endless supply! Here's an excerpt from her recent interview with People:
Bensimon says joining the already-established cast in the show’s second season was like diving into a “shark tank,” and blames her nerves for causing her to act like someone she’s not. “I was so guarded, I came across as not being me,” she said. “Everyone I know was like, ‘That’s not you! That’s the not the fun Kelly who’s always on Kelly time!’ I didn’t know these women. I was treading in murky waters and I didn’t know how to navigate.”
Kelly time? Is that like Hammer time?

Since filming ended, Bensimon hasn’t spent much time with any of the New York Housewives — “We don’t run in the same social circles,” she says — but she doesn’t harbor any ill will towards any of them, including Bethenny.

“I’m the first person to say [Bethenny's] a great girl,” says Bensimon. “To be her age in New York [and] single is not easy. But she’s doing a great job enjoying her life.”

Clearly there's no ill will! Jesus. What a patronizing, pot/kettle/black, dictionary-less ASSHOLE.

Don't forget the Real Housewives of New Jersey premiering after the NYC reunion. I'd like to think that in this scene, Caroline has just reached over the table and given someone a meaty slap that left an imprint of her ring.


Monday, May 11, 2009

Take notes, President Obama

One of my most favorite blogs, Hello Gorgeous, just posted a video of the Real Housewives of NYC being interviewed on CNBC about the state of the economy.


Hello Gorgeous' commentary pretty much sums it up: "Where else are you going to get a truer take on the market and current economy than out of the garbled mouth of Kelly Bensimon?" Ha!

I cringed the entire time and nothing on this earth will ever get me to watch the first 15 seconds again.

Go watch it now.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

"Kuh-dooz to all of us!"

The producers of this show must send Ramoner flowers every week. She's the clutch player in this series--with her bulging eyes, bizarre hairstyles, uninhibited dancing, unfiltered mouth and now the mispronunciation of simple words, she turns a mundane scene into MONEY.

I thank you, Ramoner.

Can you believe it's over? The finale of the Real Housewives of NYC was full of petty fights and false drama but there were some flashes of brilliance. I'm leaving town tomorrow and need to whip this bitch out, so please accept this RHNYC Recap Lite in lieu of my usual deep and scholarly recap:

1. The final charity meeting, five days before the event, at Jill's. We pick up where we left off last week, with Bethenny and Kelly having just finished their ridiculous "let's clear the air" conversation/fight/demonstration of Kelly's bitchassery. The Countess arrives; Ramoner and Alex are late. When Ramoner shows up, she and Jill fight for what seems like an eternity over Jill wanting to promote Zarin Fabrics even though it didn't officially donate to the event. JESUS CHRIST, if I never hear the words Zarin Fabrics again in my life, it will be too soon. Jill tells the camera that Ramoner "walked in with a stick up her ass." I wish! Because then someone could have pulled it out and used it to beat some sense into both of them.

If you put your ear up to Kelly's head, you can hear the ocean.

Alex walks in late. She's supposed to be a co-chair with Jill, but hasn't done anything except show up late and not invite anyone. Ramoner gets all pissy about this too and tells the camera that it's just another reason why she hates Silex: "they just show up and ride on coattails but what do they do? Nothing." She goes on to say that Alex "is so like, what's the word...limp noodle." Wait. Is she talking about Alex, or Simon's penis? (LOW BLOW. Actually, I think the opposite is true; Simon is so sexual and such a titty-toucher that I wouldn't be surprised if he had a woody most of his waking hours).

One last thing--is it me, or does Jill have a foo dog on every flat surface in that apartment?

2. The Countess and her cheating asshole Count are invited to ring the opening bell at NASDAQ. The de Lesseps are there because of their charitable donations to a school for the hearing impaired. Apparently, the Count-who-is-not-an-old-man lost his hearing in one ear two years ago.

The best part is when the Countess is talking to a little boy from the school (presumably hearing impaired) and asks what his name is. "Yanni," he says.

"Danny?" the Countess asks.

"Yanni," he repeats.



At this point, the Count says "Yanni," and the little boy nods. Ha! Who's the deaf one now, LUANN? Anyhow, that's pretty much the only word the Count utters in this episode.

After the Countess rings the bell, she tells the camera that the Count remarked that that was their "30 seconds of fame." Yeah, forget about starring in a national tv show every week--the de Lesseps will be always be remembered for ringing the NASDAQ bell that one time. GOD.

3. Weird, stilted scene with Jill and Ally in Ally's bedroom. Jill offers to give Ally, age 15, "the sex talk or the drug talk." She also adds, "I did call someone to help me out, but they weren't available." What? She tried to hire someone to help her talk to her 15 year old about sex and drugs? You can practically see Jill glancing at the camera and reading from a teleprompter. Even Ally was all "wtf are you doing?" Jill, we can see right through you. Both you and Bravo should know better than to try to fool us with this fake crap.

4. Bethenny gives the Countess' servant, Rosie, a cooking lesson. Watch it here.

5. Jill and Kelly visit Jill's favorite jeweler to pick a silent auction item. Kelly is dressed as a giant slutty hobbit.

The jeweler (Gericone? Gericurl?) is "a 51 year old Jewish woman" who thinks this scene is her big break. I tell you, she is OVER THE TOP, acting nuts and hitting on Kelly like crazy: "If I were gay, what I would do to you!" We see the jeweler coax her dog into "singing." Who the fuck cares. Maybe, maybe this type of thing can be buried in a mid-season episode, but not in a gd season finale.

6. Bethenny is going to be in a Moroccan Fashion Show, whatever that is. After the cooking lesson, LuAnn tries to teach Bethenny how to "walk." It's not easy. For the first time EVER, I find that my dedication to the early cycles of ANTM is paying off.

7. Bethenny is at the Moroccan Fashion Show, where we learn that she is also hosting the event.

We must talk about her make-up. How should I describe it? Have you ever seen the movie Pet Semetary, where a young father buries his dead son in this special cemetery and then the son comes back, dirty and undead and evil? I suspect the same thing happened to Bethenny. Here she is, fresh from the grave.

I think I just wet my pants. Scary.

She also does this comedy routine-ish thing that is half Andrew Dice Clay and half PAINFULLY AWKWARD. She went on and on about being single and how she wants to get married. Enough already! Here's more undead for you:

We should also discuss Ramoner's hair. You can't tell so much from this photo, but my notes during the show say "R's HAIR! FUCK!"

8. Jill and Ramoner and the event planning staff are setting up for the charity party. Ramoner, who has an even FREAKIER hairstyle

notices the "signage" behind the bar. Bethenny, who was in charge of setting up the bar, has put a million Frangelico signs up, as well as a big Skinnygirl logo. Ramoner and Jill go INSANE. Ramoner hates the signs because she thinks they're tacky, and Jill hates them because the Frangelico signs could have gone to other sponsors (i.e. ZARIN FABRICS). They take most of the signs down and Jill is furious with Bethenny for hogging this ad space. "Today is about ME," she says angrily. "It's about us, but it's mostly about ME." Now that is the perfect mindset for a successful charity event.

9. Time for the party! Silex arrives. Simon is wearing his living room (see the previous recap if you don't know what I'm talking about):

"I like to be flamboyant and I like to make a scene," he says. Why do people think he's gay? I just don't understand.

Ramoner shows up. She's proud of her work. "Kuh-dooz to all of us!" Say what you want about Ramoner, but the bitch delivers the crazy every. single. time.

Bethenny decides to confront Jill at the party. She's not so upset that the signs were taken down, but more betrayed because Jill was talking behind her back. Jill, however, doesn't want to get into it at the party. "I CAN'T," she says in her Lawn Guyland accent. "Don't ruin my night." She walks away and Bethenny turns around and unleashes on Ramoner who is shockingly calm and lucid. Ramoner tells the camera her strategy: "I'm just gonna yes her to stop the fury."

Jill's about to give her big speech when Bethenny thinks of "mountains, molehills" and decides everything has been blown out of proportion. She finds Jill, hugs her, and it's over. But she remains pale and stricken throughout the night. She fought with Mama, and she is traumatized.

Jill gives the speech, does the auction (there is a brief moment when no one is bidding and we are reminded of the DeShawn auction debaucle of 2008 all over again), and then she hands out self-serving awards. She "forgets" to give Kelly her award. Forget, my ass! Just Bravo trying to create a little drama.

The dancing begins. Would you look at these two?

They remind me of highschool nerds who talk endlessly about how superior and unique and "above popularity" they are, yet are secretly DYING to be a part of the cool crowd. I know, because I was a highschool nerd with those same dreams. Get over it, Silex. You're fine just the way you are. Kind of.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, MY BONER!"

Finally, there are the traditional end-of-season epilogues, and let me just say that someone at Bravo is on the take. Silex obviously didn't pay up because they were treated rather nastily: "As relationship role models [dripping with sarcasm], the natural next step for Alex and Simon is to write a book about parenting." HARSH, Bravo! The most unbelievable epilogue comes from someone who is CLEARLY either sleeping with Kelly or on her payroll: "The courtroom drama driven by Kelly's latest break-up is finally over. She continues to focus on her beautiful children and writing career."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? One, is her courtroom drama over? Two, "beautiful children and writing career"? WHAT? No one else's children in the history of Real Housewives have EVER been portrayed in a positive light, and Kelly can barely string a sentence together. There is something majorly FISHY going on at Bravo (there's a joke here, but I am trying to be professional). Andy Cohen, did you let Kelly write her own epilogue? Did you? I'm calling the NYTimes. There's a Pulitzer prize for investigative journalism in here, I just know it.

So much for Recap Lite.

Listen, forget this finale. We have bigger fish to fry. First, The Fashion Show (Bravo's replacement for Project Runway) premieres tomorrow. I am counting on the witty commentary of TLo, and you should too. Next week, the explosive Real Housewives of NYC reunion and the very first episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Excellent.

Let's talk.

Like a dog in heat, a freak without warning...

Simon's HANDS are on Ramoner's BOOBS. Does she look disgusted?

Exactly. I think she is confusing her hatred of Simon with INTENSE SEXUAL DESIRE.

I am weak with gratitude to Bravo for putting the Real Housewives of New York City Simon and Ramoner dancing scene up for viewing. It is a feast for the eyes--eyes that you will soon want to poke out. (Subscribers, click through):

Personally, I watched it while playing 2 Live Crew's "Me So Horny" and got a fit of the giggles. That is some nasty shit! (for those of you who are pure of heart and mind and don't know all of the words to "Me So Horny," the title of this post is taken from the lyrics.)

Did anyone tweet with Tamra and Bethenny last night? How did it go?

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Did you ever think you'd see the day

...when Jill and Ramoner join forces to fight Bethenny?


Don't forget to tweet with Bethenny and Tamra during the finale. I will probably be in the fetal position in anticipation of the fight, so I need you to be strong for me and participate in this. No dvr-ing! Start preparing your questions now.

You can start your creative juices flowing by giving me a caption for this photo from Kelly's birthday party:

and this one too (THE SHOES. Or should I say, THE SLIPPERS.):

See you tonight!

photos via
Bricks and Stones

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Proof that no one looks good in a seersucker jumpsuit

Our dear Bethenny, no doubt rehashing her father issues, at the Kentucky Derby. In a seersucker jumpsuit.

photo and father issues via Bethenny's twitter

Happy Birthday, Kelly Bensimon!

Kelly's friend
: "Kelly! Glad you could make it. These are little cakes called cupcakes."

Kelly: "Like, how am I supposed to eat these? I'm like, skinny enough as it is!"

Friend: "Well, I guess you could just throw them up later."

Kelly: "I just had a rully rully awesome idea. We should totally like, start a line of cupcakes called Skinnygirl Cupcakes!"

Friend: "Hmmm. Why does that sound so familiar?"

Kelly: "It's a totally awesome amazing idea. Let's go find some blow."