Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Enough of Bethenny's tushy!

"Well look at that! She really does have a pussy."*


It's time to discuss the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

1. So many of you have generously filled my inbox with news that Danielle currently has a few coke-dusted skeletons tumbling out of her closet. Thank you! If you are one of the three people on the earth who have not read about Danielle's (aka "Beverly's") drug-fueled shenanigans circa 1986, please go here for the rundown.

2. Speaking of Danielle, she had several moments in last Tuesday's episode that must be mentioned.

Let's start with this one:

"I have a pussy!"

Those of you who watched know that this is not a fake caption. Classy lady!

Next up, what about Danielle wanting to break up with her boyfriend Steve at the table during dinner with Steve, Jacqueline, Teresa and husbands? Once a deranged coke whore, always a deranged coke whore.

{a note to my Colorado peeps--doesn't Danielle's boyfriend look eerily like 9news anchor Gregg Moss?}


FREAKY.

And finally, did you hear Danielle call Dina "cuntdescending" to the camera? Freudian slip, or an ingenious new word that needs to be submitted to Urban Dictionary IMMEDIATELY?

3. Despite Caroline's obvious control issues, she's my favorite right now. I love that she's so old school--the woman does not put up with foolishness! Actually, everyone is pretty likable. Except for the (allegedly) pussified Danielle.

4. Are you ready for some good news and a sentence that does not in some way reference a vagina? The deliciously gorgeous Albie has personal photos up at bravotv.com. The bad news (at least for the ladies)--he's almost certainly gay.


Am I right?

5. I'm happy to report that Andy Cohen emailed me and graciously accepted the love we offered up to him last Friday. His email may or may not have contained the phrase "sweet-ass," which is exactly why we sent him love in the first place.


Don't forget Real Housewives of NYC Confess: A Watch What Happens Special, airing Thursday on Bravo at 8 pm (Eastern & Pacific).


Peace and pussies for all!


*For the record, the word "pussy" makes me cringe, and you will never, ever hear it come out of my mouth. But for some reason I CANNOT stop using it in this post. I am so sorry. Blame Danielle.

26 comments:

Pieter said...

That photo of Albie is hysterical! It's like the photographer said:"Okay girls, everyone say "hay" and... SNAP!" We're just missing the finger-snap-knee-dip-arm-swing.

Chloe said...

Hahaha, the word "pussy" also makes me cringe. In fact, I cringed so hard while typing that that I almost typed "pissy". I can't even say "pussycat" without cringing. AND I LIKE TO SWEAR LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING SAILOR.

AND YES. YES! YES!! GREGG MOSS! Only Greggers is, dare I say, a bit more handsome? Or at least looks his age. Steve is 26 going on 56, and is in dire need of some oil blotting sheets and some diuretics. Oh, and he also needs to chickity check himself before he wrecks himself. Ugh.

kelly said...

so glad you are recapping!! That makes my morning. check out the www.dlisted.com; if you haven't seen yet pictures from of Bethanny in a movie she was in the early 90's, she is showing way more than her ass!

regardez moi said...

Oh good God! I missed this episode, but I'm sure I'll catch it on one of the thousand replays.

I went and read that article about Danielle. I thought she was perhaps a little misunderstood. HOLY GUACAMOLE I was mistaken. I felt a little sick in the stomach after reading that article.

this one said...

did you hear that they are making real housewives of DC now too. :)

Melanie said...

NOOOOO, Albie cannot be gay!!!! He's too cute...figures...

Lolo said...

I like how much Caroline's family laughs at themselves and each other. She's definitely my fave but you know this series, it could all turn ugly in the flick of a chuckie.

Anonymous said...

Not getting "Albie is gay" from the pic. It's the homely brother who is doing the most bromancing there, isn't it?

To me, this pic says: "Let's go gang-bang the homely girl and then tell everyone at school and make her so humiliated she ODs!"

Tamstyles said...

I dont think ALfie is gay..His brother is in the picture to...I just dont see gay..Now Steve, yeah..his mouth and they way he moves it is way to girlie...I was looking for the mug shot and you had a link...leave it all up to you! great info!

the sweet life with olives said...

love that you decided to recap! you had me worried there for a bit. so far, so good, this jersey thing rocks. its 'trashier' than new york but 'classier' than atl.... and by classy i obviously mean coked up hooker history, lolita pageant babies in gold lame bikinis and mc mansions with cash to flash. oh yeah, and (cringe) pussy galore! love it & love your posts!

Dobbygirl said...

Okay, so I'm watching it (even though I swore I wouldn't - no willpower) and Caroline is my favorite too. Just tells it like it is, her family is funny and seems like they have a good time! Danielle is tragic, I think everyone knows someone like her who you just stay the hell away from because you are afraid some of her crazy might rub off on you. Poor Jacqueline is just one of those people who attract the stray dogs of the world. She's sweet and naive.

Megan said...

Long time reader...first time commenter. I LOVE SGM!

I had my doubts that Steve was 26 as well. I'm 26, and I've never seen a guy turn down a "trip to the bathroom." Not that I've offered, but, errr...

Anyways, when Steve said that he didn't need to tell Danielle she looked good (which that's a matter of opinion, but if you're going over for a routine BJ, at least tell the lady she's cute or something), and Steve won't politely return her calls and texts...that my friends is a single 26 year old.

The poor guy does look 56, though, and even though he probably likes to think of himself as an up-and-coming guido, Danielle just outed him as "poor" on national tv.

Brilliant Asylum said...

I had to rewind the P@#$y line three times. Since when can you say that on Bravo?

Great recap.

The Lil Bee said...

I watched it last night and I believe she used the word cuntdescending in reference to Dina's crack at the Botox party... you know, the one where Danielle said, "I can't stop saying 'cock'!" And Dina said, "We know that!"

Such trash mouths! Such horror! Oh, I just LOVE it!!

Gquaker said...

I totally bought a used copy of "Cop Without a Badge" off of Amazon.

Danielle is the crazy girl we all knew in middle school, who was always trying to get you to smoke in the school parking lot, and when she talked about sex it was cribbed from movies on late night Skinemax. And she gave you loads of unsolicited advice about boys and booze, even though she was totally failing algebra and health.

I love Caroline.

Sarah said...

The "p" word makes me "skeeve" too. I think skeeve means something like cringe, right???

To me, Danielle is the Kelly of the New Jersey bunch. One of these things does not go with the other ones.

Poor Albie if he really is gay. His family seems traditional vintage 1980s Italian in values and they own a wedding factory, um, I mean a lovely event venue. I doubt they do same sex commitment ceremonies there.

rachie! said...

When Danielle was talking about Steve and how awesome she must be to have a 26 YO man, I was all "Uhhh - I think even a coke whore could get him in her pants". Turns out I was right on!

Richie Designs said...

thats a sorry looking 26 year old I might add. Looks like 46 if you ask me.

wow this might be the most interesting season yet. This woman is a flipping train wreck.

Anonymous said...

why does danielle look just like the countess? maybe they share a plastic surgeon, but don't they look the same? my husband, who does not follow these series, asked why the countess "was on this show too." now that would be some good gossip. (not necessarily for the countess.)

Leah said...

I have my doubts that Danielle is actually sporting real female parts ... that chick is a tranny 'ho if ever I saw one.

Anonymous said...

Yes! To the last comment-- Danielle does look like a transvestite. I haven't seen all of this last episode, but not sure I can stomach another second of her pinky-ring, striped suit wearing, Cadillac SUV driving (eeewww) boyfriend. The look on his face is so self-satisfied and disgusting I can't stand it.
On the other hand, I can't help but like Caroline and her family-- how they laugh together and seem so close. I just hope this show doesn't ruin them! I had some fondness for some of those OC housewives the first season and by the third, they'd all fallen into completely narcissitic (OMG, did I even spell that correctly?)messes I couldn't stand. I felt sorry for their families and them.

Jilly in Idaho said...

Holy sh!t - can it get any better on a show like this? A stripper coke whore with a mug shot! Those other wives are going to rake her over the coals and back again. And to quote her on the last show "All liars will be exposed". That statement is going to bite her in the butt. I wonder if she's alluding to knowing stuff on Dina is that maybe Dina did coke before? That still couldn't compare to Danielle's history. To be in a book with your mug shot and real name all about drug dealers and stripping and screwing for a hit. You would think if you had something like that in your past you would avoid being on a reality show when every dark thing you've ever done is bound to come out. Next week is going to be explosive!

Anonymous said...

"Poor Albie if he really is gay. His family seems traditional vintage 1980s Italian in values"

Caroline's brother Paulie is gay (he was on this episode) and the family seems fine with him.

Team Caroline here. I liked watching her laugh heartily at the dinner table with her kids. Good lady.

And Albie isn't gay. Albie is they guy getting a blowjob in his car, then not inviting the girl in to meet his mother.

Velvet said...

So glad you are covering this! You are so good at it.

Albie is that "NY style hot." Hot with hat on. Not so hot with hat off.

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muranogirl said...

yeah, skeeve comes from the Italian word "schifo" (skeefo) meaning gross or disgusting.
These ladies are too much. I'm Italian but they are a totally different tribe for sure!