Wednesday, May 6, 2009

"Kuh-dooz to all of us!"

The producers of this show must send Ramoner flowers every week. She's the clutch player in this series--with her bulging eyes, bizarre hairstyles, uninhibited dancing, unfiltered mouth and now the mispronunciation of simple words, she turns a mundane scene into MONEY.

I thank you, Ramoner.

Can you believe it's over? The finale of the Real Housewives of NYC was full of petty fights and false drama but there were some flashes of brilliance. I'm leaving town tomorrow and need to whip this bitch out, so please accept this RHNYC Recap Lite in lieu of my usual deep and scholarly recap:

1. The final charity meeting, five days before the event, at Jill's. We pick up where we left off last week, with Bethenny and Kelly having just finished their ridiculous "let's clear the air" conversation/fight/demonstration of Kelly's bitchassery. The Countess arrives; Ramoner and Alex are late. When Ramoner shows up, she and Jill fight for what seems like an eternity over Jill wanting to promote Zarin Fabrics even though it didn't officially donate to the event. JESUS CHRIST, if I never hear the words Zarin Fabrics again in my life, it will be too soon. Jill tells the camera that Ramoner "walked in with a stick up her ass." I wish! Because then someone could have pulled it out and used it to beat some sense into both of them.

If you put your ear up to Kelly's head, you can hear the ocean.

Alex walks in late. She's supposed to be a co-chair with Jill, but hasn't done anything except show up late and not invite anyone. Ramoner gets all pissy about this too and tells the camera that it's just another reason why she hates Silex: "they just show up and ride on coattails but what do they do? Nothing." She goes on to say that Alex "is so like, what's the word...limp noodle." Wait. Is she talking about Alex, or Simon's penis? (LOW BLOW. Actually, I think the opposite is true; Simon is so sexual and such a titty-toucher that I wouldn't be surprised if he had a woody most of his waking hours).

One last thing--is it me, or does Jill have a foo dog on every flat surface in that apartment?

2. The Countess and her cheating asshole Count are invited to ring the opening bell at NASDAQ. The de Lesseps are there because of their charitable donations to a school for the hearing impaired. Apparently, the Count-who-is-not-an-old-man lost his hearing in one ear two years ago.

The best part is when the Countess is talking to a little boy from the school (presumably hearing impaired) and asks what his name is. "Yanni," he says.

"Danny?" the Countess asks.

"Yanni," he repeats.

"Johnny?"

"Yanni."

At this point, the Count says "Yanni," and the little boy nods. Ha! Who's the deaf one now, LUANN? Anyhow, that's pretty much the only word the Count utters in this episode.

After the Countess rings the bell, she tells the camera that the Count remarked that that was their "30 seconds of fame." Yeah, forget about starring in a national tv show every week--the de Lesseps will be always be remembered for ringing the NASDAQ bell that one time. GOD.

3. Weird, stilted scene with Jill and Ally in Ally's bedroom. Jill offers to give Ally, age 15, "the sex talk or the drug talk." She also adds, "I did call someone to help me out, but they weren't available." What? She tried to hire someone to help her talk to her 15 year old about sex and drugs? You can practically see Jill glancing at the camera and reading from a teleprompter. Even Ally was all "wtf are you doing?" Jill, we can see right through you. Both you and Bravo should know better than to try to fool us with this fake crap.

4. Bethenny gives the Countess' servant, Rosie, a cooking lesson. Watch it here.

5. Jill and Kelly visit Jill's favorite jeweler to pick a silent auction item. Kelly is dressed as a giant slutty hobbit.

The jeweler (Gericone? Gericurl?) is "a 51 year old Jewish woman" who thinks this scene is her big break. I tell you, she is OVER THE TOP, acting nuts and hitting on Kelly like crazy: "If I were gay, what I would do to you!" We see the jeweler coax her dog into "singing." Who the fuck cares. Maybe, maybe this type of thing can be buried in a mid-season episode, but not in a gd season finale.

6. Bethenny is going to be in a Moroccan Fashion Show, whatever that is. After the cooking lesson, LuAnn tries to teach Bethenny how to "walk." It's not easy. For the first time EVER, I find that my dedication to the early cycles of ANTM is paying off.

7. Bethenny is at the Moroccan Fashion Show, where we learn that she is also hosting the event.

We must talk about her make-up. How should I describe it? Have you ever seen the movie Pet Semetary, where a young father buries his dead son in this special cemetery and then the son comes back, dirty and undead and evil? I suspect the same thing happened to Bethenny. Here she is, fresh from the grave.

I think I just wet my pants. Scary.

She also does this comedy routine-ish thing that is half Andrew Dice Clay and half PAINFULLY AWKWARD. She went on and on about being single and how she wants to get married. Enough already! Here's more undead for you:

We should also discuss Ramoner's hair. You can't tell so much from this photo, but my notes during the show say "R's HAIR! FUCK!"

8. Jill and Ramoner and the event planning staff are setting up for the charity party. Ramoner, who has an even FREAKIER hairstyle

notices the "signage" behind the bar. Bethenny, who was in charge of setting up the bar, has put a million Frangelico signs up, as well as a big Skinnygirl logo. Ramoner and Jill go INSANE. Ramoner hates the signs because she thinks they're tacky, and Jill hates them because the Frangelico signs could have gone to other sponsors (i.e. ZARIN FABRICS). They take most of the signs down and Jill is furious with Bethenny for hogging this ad space. "Today is about ME," she says angrily. "It's about us, but it's mostly about ME." Now that is the perfect mindset for a successful charity event.

9. Time for the party! Silex arrives. Simon is wearing his living room (see the previous recap if you don't know what I'm talking about):

"I like to be flamboyant and I like to make a scene," he says. Why do people think he's gay? I just don't understand.

Ramoner shows up. She's proud of her work. "Kuh-dooz to all of us!" Say what you want about Ramoner, but the bitch delivers the crazy every. single. time.

Bethenny decides to confront Jill at the party. She's not so upset that the signs were taken down, but more betrayed because Jill was talking behind her back. Jill, however, doesn't want to get into it at the party. "I CAN'T," she says in her Lawn Guyland accent. "Don't ruin my night." She walks away and Bethenny turns around and unleashes on Ramoner who is shockingly calm and lucid. Ramoner tells the camera her strategy: "I'm just gonna yes her to stop the fury."

Jill's about to give her big speech when Bethenny thinks of "mountains, molehills" and decides everything has been blown out of proportion. She finds Jill, hugs her, and it's over. But she remains pale and stricken throughout the night. She fought with Mama, and she is traumatized.

Jill gives the speech, does the auction (there is a brief moment when no one is bidding and we are reminded of the DeShawn auction debaucle of 2008 all over again), and then she hands out self-serving awards. She "forgets" to give Kelly her award. Forget, my ass! Just Bravo trying to create a little drama.

The dancing begins. Would you look at these two?

They remind me of highschool nerds who talk endlessly about how superior and unique and "above popularity" they are, yet are secretly DYING to be a part of the cool crowd. I know, because I was a highschool nerd with those same dreams. Get over it, Silex. You're fine just the way you are. Kind of.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, MY BONER!"

Finally, there are the traditional end-of-season epilogues, and let me just say that someone at Bravo is on the take. Silex obviously didn't pay up because they were treated rather nastily: "As relationship role models [dripping with sarcasm], the natural next step for Alex and Simon is to write a book about parenting." HARSH, Bravo! The most unbelievable epilogue comes from someone who is CLEARLY either sleeping with Kelly or on her payroll: "The courtroom drama driven by Kelly's latest break-up is finally over. She continues to focus on her beautiful children and writing career."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? One, is her courtroom drama over? Two, "beautiful children and writing career"? WHAT? No one else's children in the history of Real Housewives have EVER been portrayed in a positive light, and Kelly can barely string a sentence together. There is something majorly FISHY going on at Bravo (there's a joke here, but I am trying to be professional). Andy Cohen, did you let Kelly write her own epilogue? Did you? I'm calling the NYTimes. There's a Pulitzer prize for investigative journalism in here, I just know it.

So much for Recap Lite.

Listen, forget this finale. We have bigger fish to fry. First, The Fashion Show (Bravo's replacement for Project Runway) premieres tomorrow. I am counting on the witty commentary of TLo, and you should too. Next week, the explosive Real Housewives of NYC reunion and the very first episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Excellent.

Let's talk.

130 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ross interviews the Countess

http://www.theinsider.com/obsessions/Inside_Dish_with_Ross_Mathews

Ann

Barb said...

I have to say, I am not such the blog commenter, but I came THIS close to emailing you about Ka-dooz...could that have been any funnier????? Here's to NJ!!

my favorite and my best said...

oh man, you nailed it.
can i just say...
"ladies and gentleman, my boner" and "lawn guyland"....
these gems will have me virtual hugging you all day.
and i'm with you on the letdown in general from bravo on this finale. it's as if they realized in their storyboards for this episode that they had nuthin' so they created the bullshit that was ally and jill's scene and those dumb ass "where are they now?" things at the end. bullshit on YOU bravo!!! and yes 'moner you are the saving grace of this show. she can work a scene like no one else.
take note luann-you boring ass countess.

Dobbygirl said...

When Jill and Kelly visited that jeweler - who clearly has mental problems - my first impression of Kelly's outfit was: stutty Robin Hood. Kelly, please, put some pants and a brawr on, seriously. You are trying too hard! And yes, Jill has Foo Dogs on every available space in her flashy apartment - I counted 4 in her knick knack cabinets alone - in just one shot.

All the scenes with the Count and Countess felt really weird and awkward knowing what we know now. He's a creep.

Great recap!!! Can't wait for the reunion!

cassandra158 said...

"If you put your ear up to Kelly's head, you can hear the ocean."

i love you, simply love you.

Anonymous said...

i thought that bravo had the ladies write their *own* little epilogues. because silex's sounded exactly like alex being archly self-deprecating and kelly's sounded exactly like kelly being deluded and narcissistic.

hello gorgeous said...

You make me happy.

xo

preppyplayer said...

Laugh out loud funny, unabbreviated!
I agree with anon, I think the epilogues were written by the wives as well, had to be.

A couple of things,
Do you think Kelly will be back next season?
She would be crazy not to and crazy if she does- I forgot, she IS crazy.

Do you think anyone will come back bigger, better, as in more plastic surgery or makeovers?

Just wondering.

Oh and SGM, thank you. Too. Much. Fun.

kath1216 said...

Not only did we have to witness Simon in THAT outfit and not only did we have to witness Simon "dancing", but we had to witness Simon "DANCING" IN THAT OUTFIT!

MINE EYES! They're begging to see the glory! Or at least some bleach.

Baylee♥ said...

bahaha. as i was watching this weeks episode, and heard ramona say that...all i could think was 1) wow, have i been saying 'kudos' wrong all my life. and once i realized that ramonas the crazy one, not me, 2) i thought, i hope SGM caught that!

Mrs. Limestone said...

Excellent recap as always.

I have an idea for Andy - take 1 hour of that insane dancing and make that an after season special. Not only would I watch it but I would DVR it and play it at parties. It it likely the most entertaining thing I've seen all year.

Lucinda said...

I propose a season extra starring Jill's mother Gloria, Jeri the Jeweler, Bobby, Wayne the driver/bodyguard, the gays that shopped at Zarin, Avery, Ginger the Chihuahua and Rosie. Hello, RATINGS GOLD! Anyone?

Marge said...

Highlight of my week, sheer hilariousness. Love it. Keep them coming!

Vanessa said...

Oh, man, I hope Kelly reads your blog. Every time I see that beastly mug of hers I feel pissed off.
Btw, so excited for the Fashion Show. Project Runway? What Project Runway?

Chloe said...

I literally sat for about five minutes after Ramona delivered her "kudos" to try to figure out wtf she was trying to say. Kaboose? Ka-doose? OH! KUDOS!

Awesome. And the dancing at the end was perfection. It was a total, "I don't like you, you don't like me...LET'S DANCE!"

And everything is A-OK.

I'm not sure how I feel yet about The Fashion Show. Project Runway will always have its place in my heart. Isaac Mizrahi tends to grate on me. I only have room for one gay fashion pedagogue in my heart; Tim Gunn is the only one who can "make it work".

Carrie said...

HA! Love this recap.

Noticed in that last picture... Alex has TWO ASSES.

iheartbravo said...

You're a genius. Let me just tell you that I look forward to this blog more than I do to the episodes. It has made them so much better!
Now, SERIOUSLY with the whole Kelly epilogue.....I knew you were going to pick that up! I nearly DIED when I read it...what the F?! there HAS to be something going on there. are they out of their minds?! someone needs to get to the bottom of that!

PS- what was with B's outfit at the party? I was utterly disappointed....

kellyriopa said...

OMG why has it taken me so long to find this blog on the www? I laughed so hard, Simon wearing his living room!!! You are killing me I am still laughing
It will be nice to go to a site that makes me happy :-)

Anonymous said...

Brilliant recap, SGM! I peed my pants with laughter. Enjoy your much deserved vacay. Hope its not to Mexico.

Brittany said...

Oh, I have got some thoughts.

Oh Kelly and her hollow noggin. That ocean comment is pricless.

I love Rosie. End of story.

Gericurl. Homegirl let's her soul glow. haha. But I kind of liked her; she's fun.

Luann has a fierce-ass walk.

I actually (don't shoot me) liked Bethenny's makeup. It's purely for the stage, though.

Oh Ramoner. She really knows how to steal a scene. And I was completely on edge for Bethenny v. Jill, but I'm so glad it blew over quickly. I can't take the thought of them fighting.

Alex+Simon=Studio 54 wannabes. All the way. No? Yes? Maybe?

I thought it was a great end to a very tense and funny season.

And Kuh-Dooz to Lucinda. I second that idea.

And what up with my PRoject Runway on Lifetime? Not that I don't love Lifetime, but Bravo is my gay channel. I expect to see my Tim Gunn. (according to Wikipedia, the new season starts this summer.)

Cyn said...

Seriously, I love you, really I do! The boner comment made me pee in my pants a bit (I am 6 months preggers with Calvin's little sister)!

You are one hilarious mama, and when I come out to visit my family in your fair city, I swear I will take you to dinner anywhere you want, if you will show up....

Have a good trip to wherever you are going. I hope Frank is doing something nice for you for Mothers day!

myblackfriendsays said...

You've been bookmarked.

I can't believe I'm just finding out about this blog now, after the season is over. No matter--I'll just spend the next couple hours reading all of your other recaps. And I'll be back next week when I assume you'll be sinking your teeth in to the wonderful New Jersey-ites (:

Anonymous said...

SGM,

Thank you so much for all your hilarious recaps of the RHONYC this season. I'd have been lost without them! I am looking forward to the reunion show and the Jersey Girls!!!!

I wish there was some way you could get paid for this, you've built quite a following here! Hope you have a great trip.

Anonymous said...

@Brittany--don't know ya, but I love ya........HOWEVER, B's make up??? Hello Bronzer!

The pic of Bethenny with the cast reminded me of Seinfeld, when Kramer overtans to meet his galpal's black relatives. My brain hurts from the amount of bronzer she used. I think it's a felony in NY State. If not...it oughta be. Bethenny is a hate crime waiting to happen.

The finale just showed us that NO housewife is truly likeable (Kelly is now exhaling). If the series hadn't ended on its own, I would have topped watching and simply relied on SGM.

*Jill sucks (greedy and nouveau riche)

*Bethenny sucks (insecure and bitter)

*The Countess (pretense and over compensating)

*Kelly (an idiot and.......well, an idiot)

*Alex (who I had to go back and recheck how many howives to even remember her name) misshapen head, married to a hair-plug wearing egomaniac who insists on wearing the slight Housewives fame on his sleeve. Good Lord, please eat, stand up straight, and enough with the fake strawberry blonde hair color.

Make these people fade back to their obscurity before 300,000 people decided..."THEY'RE FAMOUS!!!)
*Ramona (shit stirrer and a HORRIBLE dancer)

crabapple said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
crabapple said...

Great picture of kelly

"If you put your ear up to Kelly's head, you can hear the ocean."

More like, "white lines....blowin through my mind"

Naz said...

I love your recaps more than the show itself.

Bravo!!! (mean't for you not the network)

Carol said...

I am thrilled to have found you as reading these blogs is a pure, sinful delight!

I did feel like this episode was pretty staged (i.e. Jill's sex talk, Rosie's cooking lesson, the nutty jeweler). But they mixed it up with some bizarrely random stuff like LuAnn's confusion over Johnny/Yanni, Bethenny's awkward MC job, and the completely hysterical dancing.

Totally looking forward to the reunion. I really want someone to give Kelly a dose of her own BF battering behavior and just pop her one already.

gatherings home said...

I kinda thought Bethenny's outfit was hideous too (SGM, I know you thought the searsucker was a joke she had to be in on...I'm thinkin' not!!)! And I love it when someone besides me notices things like Alex's double ass.

I have to say, your recaps have become so much more entertaining than the actual show. I have even missed a few episodes and just kept waiting for your recap. LOVE YOU!!

Jennifer said...

Pet Semetary! LOL!!

And you're right--I think Simon took all the Zarin Fabric remnants from his living room to create his flamboyant outfit.

Anonymous said...

Kelly from Kellyland is planning to come back for another season if the producers want her.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/eonline/20090508/en_tv_eo/122963;_ylt=AsaLhhfXliwVCa49Oq2kyL1xFb8C

I look forward to seeing more of her awesomeness!

Naz said...

I just remembered something that wasn't mentioned. Jill was passing out the plaques and apparently at first Kelly wasn't getting one. The camera pans to Kelly's face and it appears she's saying "you bitch" whereas the geeky girl next to her says something like she didn't believe it. I guess that plastic plaque rully, rully mean't something to Kelly. Smiles glore once Jill did have one for her.

Brittany said...

I only liked her eye makeup. I am very against bronzer overdose.

Kelly Rella said...

Giant slutty hobbit. Hahahahahahaha!

The Lil Bee said...

OK, this might be your best recap EVER! And this might be my favorite quote of all-time: If you put your ear up to Kelly's head, you can hear the ocean.

I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT!!!

g. said...

I can't breathe. I am laughing too hard. This was the best recap EVER.

Kathryn said...

just discovered your blog/brilliance. i am literally laughing out loud. i am at work. i may get fired. but it will be worth it.

anything related to kelly - whether comparing her to a seashell or a hobbit - is perfection. adore you.

suzanne cabrera said...

So, so, so, so funny.

Absolutely Not Martha said...

i love a good read.

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