"Kuh-dooz to all of us!"

The producers of this show must send Ramoner flowers every week. She's the clutch player in this series--with her bulging eyes, bizarre hairstyles, uninhibited dancing, unfiltered mouth and now the mispronunciation of simple words, she turns a mundane scene into MONEY.

I thank you, Ramoner.

Can you believe it's over? The finale of the Real Housewives of NYC was full of petty fights and false drama but there were some flashes of brilliance. I'm leaving town tomorrow and need to whip this bitch out, so please accept this RHNYC Recap Lite in lieu of my usual deep and scholarly recap:

1. The final charity meeting, five days before the event, at Jill's. We pick up where we left off last week, with Bethenny and Kelly having just finished their ridiculous "let's clear the air" conversation/fight/demonstration of Kelly's bitchassery. The Countess arrives; Ramoner and Alex are late. When Ramoner shows up, she and Jill fight for what seems like an eternity over Jill wanting to promote Zarin Fabrics even though it didn't officially donate to the event. JESUS CHRIST, if I never hear the words Zarin Fabrics again in my life, it will be too soon. Jill tells the camera that Ramoner "walked in with a stick up her ass." I wish! Because then someone could have pulled it out and used it to beat some sense into both of them.

If you put your ear up to Kelly's head, you can hear the ocean.

Alex walks in late. She's supposed to be a co-chair with Jill, but hasn't done anything except show up late and not invite anyone. Ramoner gets all pissy about this too and tells the camera that it's just another reason why she hates Silex: "they just show up and ride on coattails but what do they do? Nothing." She goes on to say that Alex "is so like, what's the word...limp noodle." Wait. Is she talking about Alex, or Simon's penis? (LOW BLOW. Actually, I think the opposite is true; Simon is so sexual and such a titty-toucher that I wouldn't be surprised if he had a woody most of his waking hours).

One last thing--is it me, or does Jill have a foo dog on every flat surface in that apartment?

2. The Countess and her cheating asshole Count are invited to ring the opening bell at NASDAQ. The de Lesseps are there because of their charitable donations to a school for the hearing impaired. Apparently, the Count-who-is-not-an-old-man lost his hearing in one ear two years ago.

The best part is when the Countess is talking to a little boy from the school (presumably hearing impaired) and asks what his name is. "Yanni," he says.

"Danny?" the Countess asks.

"Yanni," he repeats.

"Johnny?"

"Yanni."

At this point, the Count says "Yanni," and the little boy nods. Ha! Who's the deaf one now, LUANN? Anyhow, that's pretty much the only word the Count utters in this episode.

After the Countess rings the bell, she tells the camera that the Count remarked that that was their "30 seconds of fame." Yeah, forget about starring in a national tv show every week--the de Lesseps will be always be remembered for ringing the NASDAQ bell that one time. GOD.

3. Weird, stilted scene with Jill and Ally in Ally's bedroom. Jill offers to give Ally, age 15, "the sex talk or the drug talk." She also adds, "I did call someone to help me out, but they weren't available." What? She tried to hire someone to help her talk to her 15 year old about sex and drugs? You can practically see Jill glancing at the camera and reading from a teleprompter. Even Ally was all "wtf are you doing?" Jill, we can see right through you. Both you and Bravo should know better than to try to fool us with this fake crap.

4. Bethenny gives the Countess' servant, Rosie, a cooking lesson. Watch it here.

5. Jill and Kelly visit Jill's favorite jeweler to pick a silent auction item. Kelly is dressed as a giant slutty hobbit.

The jeweler (Gericone? Gericurl?) is "a 51 year old Jewish woman" who thinks this scene is her big break. I tell you, she is OVER THE TOP, acting nuts and hitting on Kelly like crazy: "If I were gay, what I would do to you!" We see the jeweler coax her dog into "singing." Who the fuck cares. Maybe, maybe this type of thing can be buried in a mid-season episode, but not in a gd season finale.

6. Bethenny is going to be in a Moroccan Fashion Show, whatever that is. After the cooking lesson, LuAnn tries to teach Bethenny how to "walk." It's not easy. For the first time EVER, I find that my dedication to the early cycles of ANTM is paying off.

7. Bethenny is at the Moroccan Fashion Show, where we learn that she is also hosting the event.

We must talk about her make-up. How should I describe it? Have you ever seen the movie Pet Semetary, where a young father buries his dead son in this special cemetery and then the son comes back, dirty and undead and evil? I suspect the same thing happened to Bethenny. Here she is, fresh from the grave.

I think I just wet my pants. Scary.

She also does this comedy routine-ish thing that is half Andrew Dice Clay and half PAINFULLY AWKWARD. She went on and on about being single and how she wants to get married. Enough already! Here's more undead for you:

We should also discuss Ramoner's hair. You can't tell so much from this photo, but my notes during the show say "R's HAIR! FUCK!"

8. Jill and Ramoner and the event planning staff are setting up for the charity party. Ramoner, who has an even FREAKIER hairstyle

notices the "signage" behind the bar. Bethenny, who was in charge of setting up the bar, has put a million Frangelico signs up, as well as a big Skinnygirl logo. Ramoner and Jill go INSANE. Ramoner hates the signs because she thinks they're tacky, and Jill hates them because the Frangelico signs could have gone to other sponsors (i.e. ZARIN FABRICS). They take most of the signs down and Jill is furious with Bethenny for hogging this ad space. "Today is about ME," she says angrily. "It's about us, but it's mostly about ME." Now that is the perfect mindset for a successful charity event.

9. Time for the party! Silex arrives. Simon is wearing his living room (see the previous recap if you don't know what I'm talking about):

"I like to be flamboyant and I like to make a scene," he says. Why do people think he's gay? I just don't understand.

Ramoner shows up. She's proud of her work. "Kuh-dooz to all of us!" Say what you want about Ramoner, but the bitch delivers the crazy every. single. time.

Bethenny decides to confront Jill at the party. She's not so upset that the signs were taken down, but more betrayed because Jill was talking behind her back. Jill, however, doesn't want to get into it at the party. "I CAN'T," she says in her Lawn Guyland accent. "Don't ruin my night." She walks away and Bethenny turns around and unleashes on Ramoner who is shockingly calm and lucid. Ramoner tells the camera her strategy: "I'm just gonna yes her to stop the fury."

Jill's about to give her big speech when Bethenny thinks of "mountains, molehills" and decides everything has been blown out of proportion. She finds Jill, hugs her, and it's over. But she remains pale and stricken throughout the night. She fought with Mama, and she is traumatized.

Jill gives the speech, does the auction (there is a brief moment when no one is bidding and we are reminded of the DeShawn auction debaucle of 2008 all over again), and then she hands out self-serving awards. She "forgets" to give Kelly her award. Forget, my ass! Just Bravo trying to create a little drama.

The dancing begins. Would you look at these two?

They remind me of highschool nerds who talk endlessly about how superior and unique and "above popularity" they are, yet are secretly DYING to be a part of the cool crowd. I know, because I was a highschool nerd with those same dreams. Get over it, Silex. You're fine just the way you are. Kind of.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, MY BONER!"

Finally, there are the traditional end-of-season epilogues, and let me just say that someone at Bravo is on the take. Silex obviously didn't pay up because they were treated rather nastily: "As relationship role models [dripping with sarcasm], the natural next step for Alex and Simon is to write a book about parenting." HARSH, Bravo! The most unbelievable epilogue comes from someone who is CLEARLY either sleeping with Kelly or on her payroll: "The courtroom drama driven by Kelly's latest break-up is finally over. She continues to focus on her beautiful children and writing career."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? One, is her courtroom drama over? Two, "beautiful children and writing career"? WHAT? No one else's children in the history of Real Housewives have EVER been portrayed in a positive light, and Kelly can barely string a sentence together. There is something majorly FISHY going on at Bravo (there's a joke here, but I am trying to be professional). Andy Cohen, did you let Kelly write her own epilogue? Did you? I'm calling the NYTimes. There's a Pulitzer prize for investigative journalism in here, I just know it.

So much for Recap Lite.

Listen, forget this finale. We have bigger fish to fry. First, The Fashion Show (Bravo's replacement for Project Runway) premieres tomorrow. I am counting on the witty commentary of TLo, and you should too. Next week, the explosive Real Housewives of NYC reunion and the very first episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Excellent.

Let's talk.