"Bethenny, according to the laws of modern physics, two electrons cannot occupy the same quantum state."

Just kidding. Actually, I think the words coming out of Kelly's mouth at this moment were "Bethenny, you need to stop! Stah stah stah stah!"

Is Kelly Bensimon not the most unbelievably dense person you have ever seen? Her narcissism, combined with the fact that her IQ hovers around 87 (and I think I'm being generous), makes it impossible to fight with her--she can't manage to be on the same topic, let alone argue it. It's a strangely effective, not to mention HIGHLY ENTERTAINING, tactic.

Aw, Kelly. Such a fucking idiot.

Let's recap this week's episode of Real Housewives of New York City:

1. Silex, along with their spawn Johan and Francois, show up at Zarin Fabrics to pick out some window treatments for their newly renovated home. You can guess the rest of the scene: the kids go bananas, Jill gets annoyed, Silex acts too cool for school. My favorite part is Simon wandering around with Johan on his shoulders.

"Where's Francois?" he asks.

"On ya head," Jill says.

"What?"

"ON YA HEAD!"

Simon explains that no, it's Johan on his head. Où est Francois, Jill? Oh, here he is, in the neon green velvet! Peekaboo!


You can tell that Jill desperately wants to smack these kids into next Tuesday.

Let me give it to you straight: this scene was Silex's desperate play for airtime. Why else would anyone bring two children under 5 to pick out window treatments at a fancy store? I bet you anything that Silex force fed these kids cotton candy and Red Bull on the car ride over, while whispering in French, "go completely apeshit, darlings. Mommy and Daddy need at least 3 minutes out of this scene."

One more thing: Have you noticed how Jill mispronounces Silex's name? She calls them the "VanKampens" when they are in fact the "VanKempens." Nice move, Jill. Very subtle.

2. Bethenny gets a haircut from Francky L'Official. (to clarify, that's the dude's name, as well as the name of the salon.) Bethenny tells the camera that Francky is her "token gay friend, and he's a hairdresser. He works mah weave." She cracks herself up when she says this, and it is funny.

Francky (he's beautiful, btw) has a heavy Fronsch accent which is only occasionally subtitled, so here's the gist of this scene: he wants to set Bethenny up with his former-model-now-photographer friend Phillipe. Bethenny's skeptical because nerdy guys are more her type, but Francky convinces her to give Phillipe a chance.

They talk about what Bethenny should wear on the date. "Show your boobs. You have great boobs," Francky says reverently. "Ah, your boobie. I love your boobie!" Someone wants his very own boobie montage!

Bethenny then proposes a marriage deal to Francky: if Bethenny turns 40 and both she and Francky are single, they will get married and have a baby. I think he accepted.

3. Silex is futilely sweeping dusty floors in a halfway completed renovation. Alex says that they have given themselves a deadline for the reno and that to enforce the deadline, they are having a party the day after. What the hell kind of craziness is that? That sounds like a prime opportunity for Simon to get all ragey again (not to mention make some impulsive design decisions). They talk about getting an "automatic vaccuum" (translation: a Roomba) and about Simon's disdain for "tchotchkes." Then they park it on a couple of poofs to plan the party.

Do you see the torn-up nature of their house? Wires hanging out, halfway-finished floors, exposed BEAMS? The deadline is in 15 days. Why rush it? WHY?

Are they going to invite Ramoner to the party? Alex doesn't think she's "an appropriate party guest," but Simon wants not only to invite her, but wants her to actually attend. Why? Because "after the tennis, Ramoner and I had a nice moment; we hugged for 45 seconds." A 45 SECOND HUG WITH SIMON? I imagine that experience would be a damp melange of b.o., cloying cologne, Scotch and a hint of beef stew. Then add in the fact he was just getting over the flu. I'm not sure how anyone, let alone Ramoner, could survive that.

4. Ramoner visits her plastic surgeon to help her with a "perspiration problem." In other words, she's pitting out all of her clothes. She asks about getting botox under her arms. The doctor tells her that she should get internal ultrasound instead, then she upsells the 'Moner on a procedure for her face.

Ramoner was all "I can't feel a thing!" and Frank, who was watching with me, said "that's because it's not doing anything." HA. Ramoner then has a soliloquy about how non-invasive procedures are acceptable, but anything invasive is just vain.

5. Bethenny and Jill have a heart-to-heart about Bethenny's love life. The rapid speaking combined with the accents was for me, an experience akin to being very drunk--my head was spinning and I felt a bit confused and disoriented. Anyhoo, they have the same conversation that they always have: Bethenny wants a man and a baby, but she can't find the man and doesn't want to slow down career-wise to find him. Blah blah and BLAH.

The one new thought in this scene is Bethenny's theory on a subset of men she calls "trick guys." These are the not-so-attractive men who didn't get laid as teenagers, and now that they are older and have money, they can get dates. However, they have Issues with Rejection and love to participate in mind fuckery. These are the guys, Bethenny claims, who are at the strip clubs and cheating on their wives and generally just being assholes. Conversely, good-looking men have been tapping the ass forever and are typically secure in who they are. This theory, if true, blows the whole "unattractive guys are will treat you better" idea WIDE OPEN. Excellent work, B.

6. Countess LuAnn takes her 20-something year old nieces out for a drink, and invites dumbass Kelly too. Why? "because she's young and hip." Yeah, but Kelly is only 3 years younger than the Countess, so what she was really trying to say was "Bravo made me do it." I am gratified when a few moments later, the Countess slips in an insult when she tells the camera, "Kelly fit right in--she thinks she's 21 anyway, hahahaha." SLAM. I love the Countess in this scene, which should tell you how truly awful Kelly is.

Back to drinks. They're all talking about what a perfect date would be when Kelly opens her hole and the most INANE shit comes out. For example: "They're like the first date, they're like, let's go out for dinner and I'm like, okay, like, where?" What? Her tone of voice suggests that a dinner date is equivalent to ... a 45 second hug with Simon. She goes on and ON and ends with "When you're with me, I'm not gonna like, sit there and watch like the afternoon unfold, are you kidding me?"


Yeah, because watching the afternoon unfold would probably involve having a conversation, and Kelly is incapable of that. The woman has NO BRAIN. I'm surprised her head hasn't caved in.

The Countess may be snobby and aloof, but she's not stupid. She can't stand listening to this dingbat. Her expression says it all:


Suddenly, Argentinian Max shows up and Kelly's all "WAZZUP!" while they proceed to fuck each other with their eyes. The camera keeps cutting to the Countess who is all "what the gd hell is he doing here?" But, unlike Ramoner, she keeps this thought to herself. Max doesn't stay for too long (at least in tv time) and when he leaves, the Countess asks Kelly what their status is. Kelly's evasive and weird, and the Countess doesn't understand what the big deal is. "What does it take to let your hair down?" she asks Kelly. Do you know what Kelly does? SHE TAKES OUT HER PONYTAIL, and then dramatically shakes out her hair.

No words. Just no words.

7. Will Silex's apartment be finished in time for the party? Who cares.

8. Bethenny's date with Phillipe. What can I say about Phillipe? He is uber-hot. In the words of Def Leppard, pour some sugar on me, honey. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it just feels right. And nasty. This picture does him no justice. He blows Max out of the gd water.


Bethenny's nervous, but she does all right. She manages to plug her Skinnygirl margarita, and she also introduces Phillipe to a new phrase: "busting balls." I hate to harp on B's accent, but compared to Phillipe's melodious voice, she sounds like a car alarm at 2 a.m. Oy.

9. The 3 minute segment this week: Bethenny, Jill, Brad and Bobby are in a white limo on the way to Silex's party. B is cracking jokes a mile a minute, bashing the limo and describing Jill as "a yenta with a mouth like an automatic tennis ball machine."

10. Silex's party! Moments before the guests arrive, we see Simon, wearing this shiny black vinyl um, blazer, and he's making last minute adjustments to the decor. He's very proud of all of it. Amazingly, Kelly is the first guest to arrive. She subtly insults them and their Brooklyn address, which precipitates a big long speech from Alex about how cultured and sophisticated Brooklyn is.

Bethenny and Jill et al. arrive. Let me tell you, I could write for a million years and still not match the perfection of Bethenny's description of Silex's apartment: "It looked like a gothic bordello, like one of [Simon's] bizarro outfits." SO TRUE! Check it out:




I DIE.

Kelly approaches Jill. She puts on a baby pouty face and says "I'm so sorry you were upset" referring to her stupid Halloween party. Jill is honest but not rude when she says "I was mad! How could you wait to leave until 9:45?" As Kelly launches into all of her lame excuses, she's pretty much ignoring Bethenny, who is kind of standing off to the side, smiling uncomfortably. Definitely tense. Jill doesn't like it, and you know she's going to do something about it.

Ramoner never shows up, and Simon says dryly, "we were gutted." I'll bet there's more than a little truth to that statement--you know Simon was hoping for another dose of 'Moner love.

"Cheers to making our whorehouse a home!"

11. Finally, Bethenny vs. Kelly, Part 2, aka The 2nd Most Ridiculous Fight in the History of TV. Jill is having a charity meeting at her house. Jill asks Kelly to come early because Bethenny wants to talk with her. Kelly is the first to arrive. When Bethenny rings the doorbell, Kelly zips into the kitchen and sits on the counter. All I could think was 1) who does that? and 2) I hope she's wearing underwear.

Jill leads them to Ally's room so that they can have a private conversation. With lots of television cameras. Bethenny starts out by saying that last time, she listened to everything Kelly had to say and that Kelly could have saved Bethenny a trip by just giving Bethenny the finger. No reaction from Kelly-- she looks like she's sleeping with her eyes open. Bethenny says she'd like to "clear the runway." Kelly says "I'm flattered," which is an odd choice of words, but whatever, we already know she's very limited when it comes to the English language.


Bethenny goes on to say that it hurt her when Kelly repeatedly failed to acknowledge her or remember her after they had been introduced many many times. A normal person would have said, "I am so sorry. I have a terrible time remembering faces. Please don't take it personally." But a dumbass wanting to get a little airtime says, "If I see you, I've always said 'hellohowareyou.' Just because I don't have the time to like, talk to you for more than a couple seconds..."

So condescending.

Bethenny interrupts, "no you haven't said 'hellohowareyou,'" and Kelly shuts that shit down right away: "I'm not going to discuss this because I'm not." Okay then! Bethenny brings up Kelly's "up here down there" comment, which is flat-out denied by the crazy bitch. This is when Kelly starts in on the "stop! stah stah stah!" followed by "we're sitting on Ally's bed--adorable girl, you're a beautiful woman, but I'm not going to indulge you in this."


Sweet Jesus, there is NOTHING more infuriating than being patronized by a stupid person, and Bethenny tries to explain that Kelly's not in charge of what Bethenny can or cannot say. Kelly says earnestly, "have you ever heard of mountain and molehill?" OMFG. Bethenny pretty much gives up at this point, telling the camera, "we are not on the same planet. We do not speak the same language." Kelly goes on with her absurd lecture, saying "I love the fact that you wanted to clear the air, but it's clear!" Come again? What is she smoking?! She concludes their heated discussion with "we're here, we're working together, and you look adorable in that Zac dress." What a freaking nutjob.

They leave Ally's room and Kelly hops on Jill's kitchen counter again before she leaves to pick up some wine for Jill and snort a line of coke. Bethenny debriefs Jill, and that's it. The End.


Next week is the season finale. Have you seen the previews? Bethenny and Jill get into a big huge fight at the charity event! I'm scared.

Tell me what you think, darlings.