Thursday, April 30, 2009

"Bethenny, according to the laws of modern physics, two electrons cannot occupy the same quantum state."

Just kidding. Actually, I think the words coming out of Kelly's mouth at this moment were "Bethenny, you need to stop! Stah stah stah stah!"

Is Kelly Bensimon not the most unbelievably dense person you have ever seen? Her narcissism, combined with the fact that her IQ hovers around 87 (and I think I'm being generous), makes it impossible to fight with her--she can't manage to be on the same topic, let alone argue it. It's a strangely effective, not to mention HIGHLY ENTERTAINING, tactic.

Aw, Kelly. Such a fucking idiot.

Let's recap this week's episode of Real Housewives of New York City:

1. Silex, along with their spawn Johan and Francois, show up at Zarin Fabrics to pick out some window treatments for their newly renovated home. You can guess the rest of the scene: the kids go bananas, Jill gets annoyed, Silex acts too cool for school. My favorite part is Simon wandering around with Johan on his shoulders.

"Where's Francois?" he asks.

"On ya head," Jill says.

"What?"

"ON YA HEAD!"

Simon explains that no, it's Johan on his head. est Francois, Jill? Oh, here he is, in the neon green velvet! Peekaboo!


You can tell that Jill desperately wants to smack these kids into next Tuesday.

Let me give it to you straight: this scene was Silex's desperate play for airtime. Why else would anyone bring two children under 5 to pick out window treatments at a fancy store? I bet you anything that Silex force fed these kids cotton candy and Red Bull on the car ride over, while whispering in French, "go completely apeshit, darlings. Mommy and Daddy need at least 3 minutes out of this scene."

One more thing: Have you noticed how Jill mispronounces Silex's name? She calls them the "VanKampens" when they are in fact the "VanKempens." Nice move, Jill. Very subtle.

2. Bethenny gets a haircut from Francky L'Official. (to clarify, that's the dude's name, as well as the name of the salon.) Bethenny tells the camera that Francky is her "token gay friend, and he's a hairdresser. He works mah weave." She cracks herself up when she says this, and it is funny.

Francky (he's beautiful, btw) has a heavy Fronsch accent which is only occasionally subtitled, so here's the gist of this scene: he wants to set Bethenny up with his former-model-now-photographer friend Phillipe. Bethenny's skeptical because nerdy guys are more her type, but Francky convinces her to give Phillipe a chance.

They talk about what Bethenny should wear on the date. "Show your boobs. You have great boobs," Francky says reverently. "Ah, your boobie. I love your boobie!" Someone wants his very own boobie montage!

Bethenny then proposes a marriage deal to Francky: if Bethenny turns 40 and both she and Francky are single, they will get married and have a baby. I think he accepted.

3. Silex is futilely sweeping dusty floors in a halfway completed renovation. Alex says that they have given themselves a deadline for the reno and that to enforce the deadline, they are having a party the day after. What the hell kind of craziness is that? That sounds like a prime opportunity for Simon to get all ragey again (not to mention make some impulsive design decisions). They talk about getting an "automatic vaccuum" (translation: a Roomba) and about Simon's disdain for "tchotchkes." Then they park it on a couple of poofs to plan the party.

Do you see the torn-up nature of their house? Wires hanging out, halfway-finished floors, exposed BEAMS? The deadline is in 15 days. Why rush it? WHY?

Are they going to invite Ramoner to the party? Alex doesn't think she's "an appropriate party guest," but Simon wants not only to invite her, but wants her to actually attend. Why? Because "after the tennis, Ramoner and I had a nice moment; we hugged for 45 seconds." A 45 SECOND HUG WITH SIMON? I imagine that experience would be a damp melange of b.o., cloying cologne, Scotch and a hint of beef stew. Then add in the fact he was just getting over the flu. I'm not sure how anyone, let alone Ramoner, could survive that.

4. Ramoner visits her plastic surgeon to help her with a "perspiration problem." In other words, she's pitting out all of her clothes. She asks about getting botox under her arms. The doctor tells her that she should get internal ultrasound instead, then she upsells the 'Moner on a procedure for her face.

Ramoner was all "I can't feel a thing!" and Frank, who was watching with me, said "that's because it's not doing anything." HA. Ramoner then has a soliloquy about how non-invasive procedures are acceptable, but anything invasive is just vain.

5. Bethenny and Jill have a heart-to-heart about Bethenny's love life. The rapid speaking combined with the accents was for me, an experience akin to being very drunk--my head was spinning and I felt a bit confused and disoriented. Anyhoo, they have the same conversation that they always have: Bethenny wants a man and a baby, but she can't find the man and doesn't want to slow down career-wise to find him. Blah blah and BLAH.

The one new thought in this scene is Bethenny's theory on a subset of men she calls "trick guys." These are the not-so-attractive men who didn't get laid as teenagers, and now that they are older and have money, they can get dates. However, they have Issues with Rejection and love to participate in mind fuckery. These are the guys, Bethenny claims, who are at the strip clubs and cheating on their wives and generally just being assholes. Conversely, good-looking men have been tapping the ass forever and are typically secure in who they are. This theory, if true, blows the whole "unattractive guys are will treat you better" idea WIDE OPEN. Excellent work, B.

6. Countess LuAnn takes her 20-something year old nieces out for a drink, and invites dumbass Kelly too. Why? "because she's young and hip." Yeah, but Kelly is only 3 years younger than the Countess, so what she was really trying to say was "Bravo made me do it." I am gratified when a few moments later, the Countess slips in an insult when she tells the camera, "Kelly fit right in--she thinks she's 21 anyway, hahahaha." SLAM. I love the Countess in this scene, which should tell you how truly awful Kelly is.

Back to drinks. They're all talking about what a perfect date would be when Kelly opens her hole and the most INANE shit comes out. For example: "They're like the first date, they're like, let's go out for dinner and I'm like, okay, like, where?" What? Her tone of voice suggests that a dinner date is equivalent to ... a 45 second hug with Simon. She goes on and ON and ends with "When you're with me, I'm not gonna like, sit there and watch like the afternoon unfold, are you kidding me?"


Yeah, because watching the afternoon unfold would probably involve having a conversation, and Kelly is incapable of that. The woman has NO BRAIN. I'm surprised her head hasn't caved in.

The Countess may be snobby and aloof, but she's not stupid. She can't stand listening to this dingbat. Her expression says it all:


Suddenly, Argentinian Max shows up and Kelly's all "WAZZUP!" while they proceed to fuck each other with their eyes. The camera keeps cutting to the Countess who is all "what the gd hell is he doing here?" But, unlike Ramoner, she keeps this thought to herself. Max doesn't stay for too long (at least in tv time) and when he leaves, the Countess asks Kelly what their status is. Kelly's evasive and weird, and the Countess doesn't understand what the big deal is. "What does it take to let your hair down?" she asks Kelly. Do you know what Kelly does? SHE TAKES OUT HER PONYTAIL, and then dramatically shakes out her hair.

No words. Just no words.

7. Will Silex's apartment be finished in time for the party? Who cares.

8. Bethenny's date with Phillipe. What can I say about Phillipe? He is uber-hot. In the words of Def Leppard, pour some sugar on me, honey. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it just feels right. And nasty. This picture does him no justice. He blows Max out of the gd water.


Bethenny's nervous, but she does all right. She manages to plug her Skinnygirl margarita, and she also introduces Phillipe to a new phrase: "busting balls." I hate to harp on B's accent, but compared to Phillipe's melodious voice, she sounds like a car alarm at 2 a.m. Oy.

9. The 3 minute segment this week: Bethenny, Jill, Brad and Bobby are in a white limo on the way to Silex's party. B is cracking jokes a mile a minute, bashing the limo and describing Jill as "a yenta with a mouth like an automatic tennis ball machine."

10. Silex's party! Moments before the guests arrive, we see Simon, wearing this shiny black vinyl um, blazer, and he's making last minute adjustments to the decor. He's very proud of all of it. Amazingly, Kelly is the first guest to arrive. She subtly insults them and their Brooklyn address, which precipitates a big long speech from Alex about how cultured and sophisticated Brooklyn is.

Bethenny and Jill et al. arrive. Let me tell you, I could write for a million years and still not match the perfection of Bethenny's description of Silex's apartment: "It looked like a gothic bordello, like one of [Simon's] bizarro outfits." SO TRUE! Check it out:




I DIE.

Kelly approaches Jill. She puts on a baby pouty face and says "I'm so sorry you were upset" referring to her stupid Halloween party. Jill is honest but not rude when she says "I was mad! How could you wait to leave until 9:45?" As Kelly launches into all of her lame excuses, she's pretty much ignoring Bethenny, who is kind of standing off to the side, smiling uncomfortably. Definitely tense. Jill doesn't like it, and you know she's going to do something about it.

Ramoner never shows up, and Simon says dryly, "we were gutted." I'll bet there's more than a little truth to that statement--you know Simon was hoping for another dose of 'Moner love.


"Cheers to making our whorehouse a home!"

11. Finally, Bethenny vs. Kelly, Part 2, aka The 2nd Most Ridiculous Fight in the History of TV. Jill is having a charity meeting at her house. Jill asks Kelly to come early because Bethenny wants to talk with her. Kelly is the first to arrive. When Bethenny rings the doorbell, Kelly zips into the kitchen and sits on the counter. All I could think was 1) who does that? and 2) I hope she's wearing underwear.

Jill leads them to Ally's room so that they can have a private conversation. With lots of television cameras. Bethenny starts out by saying that last time, she listened to everything Kelly had to say and that Kelly could have saved Bethenny a trip by just giving Bethenny the finger. No reaction from Kelly-- she looks like she's sleeping with her eyes open. Bethenny says she'd like to "clear the runway." Kelly says "I'm flattered," which is an odd choice of words, but whatever, we already know she's very limited when it comes to the English language.


Bethenny goes on to say that it hurt her when Kelly repeatedly failed to acknowledge her or remember her after they had been introduced many many times. A normal person would have said, "I am so sorry. I have a terrible time remembering faces. Please don't take it personally." But a dumbass wanting to get a little airtime says, "If I see you, I've always said 'hellohowareyou.' Just because I don't have the time to like, talk to you for more than a couple seconds..."

So condescending.

Bethenny interrupts, "no you haven't said 'hellohowareyou,'" and Kelly shuts that shit down right away: "I'm not going to discuss this because I'm not." Okay then! Bethenny brings up Kelly's "up here down there" comment, which is flat-out denied by the crazy bitch. This is when Kelly starts in on the "stop! stah stah stah!" followed by "we're sitting on Ally's bed--adorable girl, you're a beautiful woman, but I'm not going to indulge you in this."


Sweet Jesus, there is NOTHING more infuriating than being patronized by a stupid person, and Bethenny tries to explain that Kelly's not in charge of what Bethenny can or cannot say. Kelly says earnestly, "have you ever heard of mountain and molehill?" OMFG. Bethenny pretty much gives up at this point, telling the camera, "we are not on the same planet. We do not speak the same language." Kelly goes on with her absurd lecture, saying "I love the fact that you wanted to clear the air, but it's clear!" Come again? What is she smoking?! She concludes their heated discussion with "we're here, we're working together, and you look adorable in that Zac dress." What a freaking nutjob.

They leave Ally's room and Kelly hops on Jill's kitchen counter again before she leaves to pick up some wine for Jill and snort a line of coke. Bethenny debriefs Jill, and that's it. The End.


Next week is the season finale. Have you seen the previews? Bethenny and Jill get into a big huge fight at the charity event! I'm scared.

Tell me what you think, darlings.

59 comments:

SpryOnTheWall said...

That Kelly/Bethenny "thing" was absolutely ridiculous. All I could think the entire time was - Kelly doesn't deserve that Birkin bag and the voices in her head are winning. I think I could actually hear her neurons firing - calling her stupid would be an insult to the stupid people of the world.

And Silex's house of horrors, gag and vomit. Nothing says "we have 2 young children" like red and black whorehouse decor. Looks like a crime scene...

Chloé said...

Oh SGM! I’ve been reading your blog forever and have posted as anon before, but I may just have to sign up simply because I like you so much I want you to know it’s me! (I know that sounds totally stalker-ish… I’m not going to stalk you. I already “stalk” your blog every day to see what’s new though)

First, I love the RZ “I die” and “shut it down” comments thrown in the RHONY commentary! As a side note, do you know when the next season is??? I’m going bananas!

During Bethenny vs. Kelly, Part 2, I kept thinking to myself, “Oh, I wonder what she [meaning you] is going to say about that!” You didn’t disappoint a bit! I died! Seriously laughing out loud. You captured everything I thought was crazy and weird and your one-liners are every bit as sharp as B’s.

Oh, and the countess and I could go on, but really, you’re the best. I’m having major relationship issues with my bf and I really needed a great, big laugh tonight and thanks to you, I got it. Love ya and keep it up!

modernemama said...

Who sits on kitchen counters? People who are "up there" obviously!

Unknown said...

"A 45 SECOND HUG WITH SIMON? I imagine that experince would be a damp melange of b.o., cloying cologne, Scotch and a hint of beef stew."

Tremendous, just tremendous. I will be giggling to myself all day. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

You missed my favorite part of the show. "Let's make pancakes in the morning for the boys" and then they high five. Oh to have a life where you high five to the idea of making pancakes in the morning...

Tracy Watier said...

I am so beyond annoyed with all of these people and thrilled that it's almost over. Someone else recently commented that the only reason she continues to watch the show is to be able to *get* your recaps. I couldn't agree more.
During the scene of Kelly and Bethenny's convo at Jill's, I actually felt myself getting anxious and twitchy. I used to know someone who *communicated* like Kelly does. I would walk away from our conversations feeling crazy and frustrated while the other person, I'm sure, skipped off wondering what MY problem was and why I had to always be sooo difficult... the thought of which only pissed me off more! Needless to say, that relationship did not last long. Bethenny's lucky. Show over = Kelly goes away.

Maya said...

I wish someone would pick up Kelly and take her someplace..., away from the set. At this point, I don't find it really entertaining anymore.

Anonymous said...

I think I like your recaps better than the show. Thanks :)

Miss Buncle said...

Actually, I thought Silex's apartment shows more personality than Jill's. I don't like either of them but Silex's doesn't look like a dept store setpiece.

Ill behaved children have parents who NEVER come prepared to things like picking out curtains. Where's the bag of amusements to keep the boys quiet and out of trouble while Mom and Dad are doing boring grown up stuff?

s. said...

How horrified must Elle MacPherson be that her the man who chose to marry her also chose to marry Kelly? That would drive me to drugs, too!

amber {daisy chain} said...

This was the MOST painful episode of all time. Kelly and her complete dumb-ass-ness left me speechless. Do you think it's possible for any woman to be that clueless? I shiver at the thought of her watching this at home with her daughters. oh, and Silex really outdid themselves on their vampire lair.
You post totally rocked, as always.

Karen said...

I had to stop watching for a while this season as Kelly make me want to hammer at my eyes and ears with a hatchet. I'm back though and it just hasn't gotten any better. I want Orange County back. I suppose we have NJ to "look forward to".

chateaudelu said...

Look SGM, the air is clear and I am flattered. You're an adorable rully awesome girl and blogger but I'm not making molehills and mountains out of your indulgence. Stah Stah Stah! If I don't have time to write hellohowareyou for more than a couple seconds then I am not going to discuss this. Your a beautiful woman and look adorable. I never wrote this.

Carrie Nicole said...

Ok seriously, the only thing that could make me enjoy watching the show more than this blog is watching with you and getting to hear your thoughts in person. I have been cracking. up. xo

Anonymous said...

"Bobby, I'm in a wind tunnel!" was the highlight of this episode for me. Kelly is insane. I am really scared for the Bethenny v. Jill fight next week as well.

Brittany said...

OMG Lucinda. I love you.

For some reason I sort of blacked out when the whole party happened. I saw him answer the door in his ridiculous shiny plastic(leather...?) jacket, and I heard Bethenny's comment, then nada.

I loved how Kelly accused Bethenny of calling her high when Bethenny brought up the "Up here, down here" comment. Someone rully rully needs to lay off the nose candy.

Anonymous said...

LUCINDA - I have tears in my eyes. Waaaay too funny.

LaurenW said...

First, Bethanny's date was HOT! But why did she act like such a hard-ass? Who calls one's self a ball-buster on their first date? Someone who doesn't want a second. If that's the case, I'll take him!

Did anyone else notice when they shot the date scene Bethanny's drink was half-empty, then full, then half-empty again. That means she was either pounding or they aired the scene out of sequence. She didn't seem loaded so my bet is on the later.

Simon's jacket was unreal. Seriously unreal. I actually like their kitchen, but the rest looked like a bordello. I wish they would show their finished bedroom! That must be a trip.

Lastly, Kelly is too dumb to fight with. How frustrating. About her stupid self going to Columbia...From the NY Post Page Six today:

"Bensimon is often heard touting her Ivy League education, from Columbia University.

But a source who attended Columbia snarked, "Kelly went to the Columbia extension college. Anyone can go there."

Bensimon's rep said, "Kelly went to Columbia University School of General Studies and graduated in 1998."

The General Studies program, according to its Web site, is "created specifically for returning and nontraditional students."

...That pretty much answers that!

Old House Junkie said...

Perhaps "letting your hair down" is an old-fashioned saying and perhaps a young woman under 30 wouldn't understand exactly what it means. However, Kelly surely can't be under 30, how could she NOT know that saying?

Words fail me. ohj

Pat T said...

Aghhh. My favorite comment was when Simon was showing Jill the kitchen and he commented on his stove - "Profile" and Jill said - "We love GE."

Now, not to put the GE Profile down but is that really what the upper crust is sporting in their kitchens? I thought Viking was the low end of high end appliances. Even I can afford the GE profile series. Perhaps it was a gratuitous product placement shot.

cathy whitlock said...

Well I was PRAYING little Johan (who will no doubt go postal or be in therapy by age ten) would pull Simon's RUG off his head.

Jessica said...

I just watched the letting your hair down scene again.

LuAnne looked like she wanted to slap her silly. She was looking at her like stop f-ing shaking out your hair you dumb bitch.

Hilarious.

I am really for this season to end...bring on the reunion show!

By the way, I couldn't find on Andy Cohen's Facebook page which housewives were arguing on there...anyone got the scoop?

preppyplayer said...

You had me at " I hope she was wearing underwear!"

And, SERIOUSLY... who does do that?

Blisterina said...

I haven't even seen this episode (I just don't care any more) - but I can't miss your recap, SGM! Who needs to watch those scrawny nutjobs when this blog is far more entertaining?

Oh, and LaurenW: I'm thinking I'd rather not get a glimpse of the Silex boudoir -- I'm sure the "eew" factor would be way too much for me!

Anonymous said...

Hi, Jessica! I just wanted to give you the "Facebook Feud 411." The offending housewife? Tamra, naturally. She posted (just like in her Bravo blog this week) about that stupid weight loss thing that now Vicki, Jeana, Ramoaner, and Tamra are all taking. Too much to wish they were niceness pills.

Anyway, Brain Malarkey, the Top Chef from the naked wasted episode at her house, jumped on and replied she didn't need to be taking the weight loss pill for her work outs when cocaine is still being sold on the streets. It went back and forth. Safe to say, he does not like Miss Tamra.

I'll see if I can find Andy's Facebook address for you. After Andy's blog, Tamra's comments were deleted, but last I checked, Brian's were still there.

I didn't want to leave you hanging. And I, too, am sick of all the housewives promtion and branding. Jesus, if Bethenny and Kelly weren't constantly hashing it out, I'd call this show "Scenes from Zarin Fabric, sponsored by GE Profile." I thought Alex said she didn't like cookie cutter kitchens and pre-renovation she was talking about getting a lime green stove and "not granite" because everyone does that...

Okay, Andy's page...he's listed as Andy, not Andrew, New York, New York network and his company is NBC Universal. Copy and paste this http://www.facebook.com/people/Andy-Cohen/621444414 . His profile pic is him, laying on a red couch with a computer. Good luck!

Melanie said...

I just can not believe Kelly. She is so crazy & stupid. If I were Bethenny, I would NOT have been trying to clear the air with her. She is just not worth the time. And as we all see now, she doesn't even 'get' the fight at the bar and what she did. I can't wait until the reunion show. How much fun will that be?

Rachael said...

Your recaps are fabulous SGM!

As anonymous said, the pancake thing with Silex was awesome but mostly because Alex said "I can't wait to bake something in the new oven" and Simon's response was "Let's make pancakes for the boys for breakfast". Maybe I make pancakes in some weird other dimension, but I never use the oven.

Jessica said...

Thanks Tippytoes!

Naz said...

That was laugh out loud funny. You're the best!!

dee said...

YES, I can't WAIT for next week and the Bethenny/Jill fight. B's face goes crazy, like she's in a fast-moving jet that's broken through the sound barrier. Frightening!! Oh and the "On ya head!" comment...priceless.

Anonymous said...

Simon looks like a nutcracker.

cultdiva said...

I actually enjoyed your post more that the entire fucking season of this moronic show (that has totally sucked me in).

Your synopsis is brilliant! I always want to slap Kelly in the face, she is truly just a butt scratching idiot.

jen said...

Again, I didn't even bother to watch the show but instead relied on YOU to make it entertaining.

And I thank you.

katiedid said...

HA! Priceless. One more day....counting the hours.

hello gorgeous said...

The best headline!!

You didn't miss a thing. I am still laughing...

Unknown said...

Oh man your review made me laugh rully rully hard! I absolutely loved the 'you look adorable' comment thrown out there. Bethenny's face was all... WTF?!

Maria said...

Ughhh! I seriously don't know how B was able to restrain herself from choking Kelly or at least trying to force feed her some lard. Or some of her cupcakes.

And I don't think I can handle Jill being mad at B.

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