Max: Wait until I finish this cabbage. The camera crew are going to wish they'd never been born!
HA, Kelly! That's what you get for not enunciating your words properly. Like many of you, I heard her say "fartfest" instead of "flirtfest" and of course I cackled with delight. I'm still cackling! Fabulosity turns into Flatulosity!
Where do you go after you hit the apex of awesomeness, as the Real Housewives of New York City did last week? No where but down. The real action this week was on the Real Housewives of New Jersey preview (watch the whole thing here). As predicted, the Jersey ladies are walking, talking mobster stereotypes, and I was RIVETED. Kidnapping, Colombian drug cartels, prostitution and bubbies (known as boobies to the rest of the country) are all topics of discussion. And then on top of that? We see a bitch flip a table over.
LOVE IT. (Sorry for that blurry photo, but Teresa's like lightening with the table flipping.) This show is going to be crazy beyond our wildest dreams--I can't wait.
Meanwhile, on Real Housewives of NYC, the main event is ... tennis. Actually, I liked that this was a low-key episode--I'm still recovering from last week. Let us proceed.
1. Another goddamn charity meeting for Jill. Kelly's there and it looks like *someone* got a lecture from her PR rep. Kelly is so helpful this week, bringing in big-ticket donations (a photo session with her famous ex-husband) and smiling like she actually gives a crap.
Jill tells the camera that Kelly's words at the Madonna Meeting probably didn't come out as intended and that Kelly sent her a really nice text ("I'd love to help") afterwards. I wonder what the Countess has to say about sending a half-assed apology via text? Call me old fashioned, but I think it sounds kind of insincere, as in "my PR rep says I should apologize but I don't want to actually apologize, so I'll just send a text in between fartfests."
Ramoner bursts into the room late.
She says she thinks she has a clothing and watch sponsor and then makes the sign of the cross, which I found to be totally bizarre and typical Ramoner.
She offers to donate samples from her new skincare line for the gift bags. Ally laughs as she says "when did you start a skincare line?" It wasn't said unkindly; I interpreted it as more of a nervous teenager laugh, but Ramoner says "I've been working on it for years, sweetheart." And she uses "sweetheart" like the Countess does--as a substitute for "you stupid whore."
Kelly notices Jill's ginormous diamond and tells her "your diamond is bigger than your eyeball!" Jill responds with "yeah and it's dirtier too." I love you, Jill Zarin. Then she tells the camera while wagging her ring finger, "this is the baby. If she's impressed by the baby, she should see the mama!" Jill's diamonds are a testament to the power of blow jobs. Very inspiring.
Ramoner and Jill talk about the tennis match and confirm the date. Jill mentions that that's the day Bethenny is going to see Madonna. SILENCE and TENSION fill the room (and my house) at the reference to Madonna. After a tiny beat, Jill laughs and says, "she's going to see Kelly!" Everyone, including Kelly, chuckles and the awkwardness is replaced by RELIEF.
2. Alex is helping Bethenny rework her Skinny Girl logo. Bethenny expresses her appreciation to the camera and says that she feels badly for making fun of Silex in the past.
3. Countess Luann visits the Boys and Girls Club of Brooklyn to talk about self-esteem, of which she has PLENTY. The anonymous commenter who said "omg. luann with the poor girls. i am cringing so hard i'm burning calories" in my previous post just KILLED me. Can't you imagine Luann saying to Rosie, "Don't count on me for taco night--I'm off to visit the poor children!"
There were lots of uncomfortable moments, but the one that most of you singled out was when one of the poor girls tells Luann she wants to be a model. Luann confidently asks her to stand up and you can see her expression change ever-so-slightly when she sees that the girl is overweight. Luann tells her that she's pretty and tall, and that "losing weight is the easy part!" I hate to take the Countess' side, but I think this was edited. I don't think that even she would be so tactless to bring that up herself--I'm guessing that the girl said "but I need to lose weight" or something like that.
Don't ever say I didn't do anything nice for you, Countess.
I also have to give props to The C-Word for playing basketball with the poor girls in her high heeled boots and shift dress.
Bitch was out for blood, if you ask me. Just because they're poor doesn't mean she should let them win. Did you also notice the Countess going ON and ON about the Count's family again? Her identity is so wrapped up in that title. How is she going to make these little charity visits after the divorce? What will she say? "My ex husband is a Count, and he was given this title because one must be able to COUNT pretty high in order to keep track of the women he fucked during our marriage."
4. Brad and Jill tour Jill's newly decorated apartment. "Do you not love it?" Brad asks. "It's beyond!" Jill breathes. Yes. Beyond hideous. JESUS. I have never seen so many accessories and patterns crammed into one space--just thinking about it gives me a headache. Another favorite comment was from Suzette, who wrote "According to Jill's live blog [Tuesday] night, she is recovering from a boob reduction - probably so she can squeeze down that hallway past the pointy mirrors and the bulging tchatchke cabinets." That may be the most perfectly descriptive sentence I have ever read. Oh, to see that beautiful, spacious entryway defiled in such a manner!
Brad should be arrested. (and a speedy recovery to you, Jill.)
5. Bethenny and her assistant make fun of Silex's website and the fact that Simon has a fan page on facebook. A little harsh, considering that Alex was helping her (for free, I wonder?) and Simon dropped everything to be Jill's tennis partner.
6. Bethenny visits Jill's apartment and her head pops off. Well, almost. She obviously doesn't like it and she totally took the wind out of Jill's sails. Poor Jill. Her apartment is a crowded shiny mess, but she spent a shit-ton of money on it and she loves it. If I were Jill's friend, I would have piled on the enthusiasm for the least offensive items. For examples of least offensive items, please visit Mrs. Limestone (Jill, she has some good advice on how to undo some of Brad's damage).
Jill's LA tennis pro and partner for the Maryo-Ramoner match calls and cancels due to a back injury. PANIC! But then Bethenny and Jill hatch an evil yet brilliant plan--they will ask Ramoner's worst enemy to play with Jill. SIMON. "Will he do it?" Jill wonders aloud. "He'll quit his job to do it." Bethenny responds. She calls him on speakerphone. She explains the situation and does this dead-on freaky imitation of Ramoner with bonkers eyes saying "I didn't know you were coming!" Simon agrees to be Jill's partner. To the camera, Bethenny says "of course" he agreed--he loves to be the center of attention, and he just wants to be "one of the girls."
I must be getting soft in my old age, but I think he was doing it just to be nice.
7. Kelly and Max go on their fart extravaganza. Kelly uses a lot of cliches, and Max tells Kelly that he found her "sparkle" make-up on his face after their last date. It's just one big juicy pot of stupid. Then farty Kelly tells the camera, "everyone wants to go out with Max and Max wants to go out with me. How flattering is that?" Kelly, next time punch YOURSELF.
8. Jill meets Simon to practice some tennis. "I never met an Australian who couldn't play tennis!" Jill says. She's ready to kick some Singer ass. She's happy with how Simon hits with her and Simon seems pretty psyched to take the 'Moner down a notch. Team Jimon!
9. Alex goes to Bethenny's to take some photos for Bethenny's new logo.
Bethenny is hoping that Alex "gets it" and that Jill's charity event will be the perfect place to unveil the new logo. I sense a little foreshadowing here, do you?
10. Later, at Jill's House of Loco, Jill learns that her housekeeper has quit. She's bitching and moaning and says to Bethenny, "I try to keep my life simple!" to which Bethenny responds, "yeah, I can tell by the apartment." Had you been standing on my doorstep at that moment, you would have heard an embarrassingly loud bark of laughter.
11. The long anticipated tennis match! Ramoner and Mario are warming up and the other Housewives show up to watch. Kelly saunters in wearing a shorty-short dress with a huge fabric flower on her cooter, and LORD do I wish there was a picture of it. Brad looks like he's dressed for a Pimp and Ho party. Jill's friends and Bobby show up in their Team Jill skull and crossbones shirts. Ramoner calls it "déclassé." Then this happened, which I thought was a little unexpected:
Bitch is pretty much declaring war on Ramoner. Whose side are you on?
12. Jill arrives over an hour late and Mario yells "ya late! ya late! Ten more minutes and ya woulda forfeited!" Such an effing guido. Simon is darting around in the hallway trying to avoid Ramoner because "the element of surprise is critical." Ramoner's friend Joni (a dead ringer for "Sex and the City's Eurotrash Amalita) tips Ramoner off: "Simon's going to play!" Ramoner says no way, Jill would never do that.
Finally, Simon walks onto the court. Everyone looks at Ramoner, who does not react except for some irrepressible twitching of the eyes. She tells the camera, "I was beside myself! I was so disgusted. I wouldn't give [Jill] the satisfaction [of a tantrum]." Everyone is disappointed with Ramoner's uncharacteristic composure, especially mastermind Bethenny who says that it was anti-climactic and that "the whole purpose was to get Ramoner wound up."
The match starts. Turns out Simon can't play for shit. I feel so sorry for him--he looks like a fool (in more ways than one)
and everyone is laughing at him. Luann says he looks like an 80s aerobics instructor, and while this is accurate, it's not at all polite. After the initial amusement of the whole Simon-is-playing bit wears off, it just becomes downright sad. And boring.
It becomes even more pathetic when Simon asks Alex with great seriousness to get his glasses. WTF? He can't see? Doesn't matter. Still can't play. Jill's embarrassed but is kind to Simon and plays her heart out. Bravo creates some false drama to make us think that Simon and Jill have a chance, when clearly they do not. Ramoner, meanwhile, is blind with fury
After the win, she tells the camera "this is very insulting" and not something that a friend would do to another friend.
Watch your back, Jill.
Next week, it appears that Ramoner is back to her normal self and loses her shit on Bethenny. Ooooh, mistake. Big mistake. I wish you well, Ramoner.
In other news, Bravo's new series NYC Prep premieres June 16. It's a real life Gossip Girl! We'll talk more about it later--delicious.