Friday, April 10, 2009

"When we're together it's a total fartfest."

Kelly: Omigod Max, can you smell that? I think I just burned a hole in the chair.

Max: Wait until I finish this cabbage. The camera crew are going to wish they'd never been born!

HA, Kelly! That's what you get for not enunciating your words properly. Like many of you, I heard her say "fartfest" instead of "flirtfest" and of course I cackled with delight. I'm still cackling! Fabulosity turns into Flatulosity!

Where do you go after you hit the apex of awesomeness, as the Real Housewives of New York City did last week? No where but down. The real action this week was on the Real Housewives of New Jersey preview (watch the whole thing here). As predicted, the Jersey ladies are walking, talking mobster stereotypes, and I was RIVETED. Kidnapping, Colombian drug cartels, prostitution and bubbies (known as boobies to the rest of the country) are all topics of discussion. And then on top of that? We see a bitch flip a table over.


LOVE IT. (Sorry for that blurry photo, but Teresa's like lightening with the table flipping.) This show is going to be crazy beyond our wildest dreams--I can't wait.

Meanwhile, on Real Housewives of NYC, the main event is ... tennis. Actually, I liked that this was a low-key episode--I'm still recovering from last week. Let us proceed.

1. Another goddamn charity meeting for Jill. Kelly's there and it looks like *someone* got a lecture from her PR rep. Kelly is so helpful this week, bringing in big-ticket donations (a photo session with her famous ex-husband) and smiling like she actually gives a crap.

Jill tells the camera that Kelly's words at the Madonna Meeting probably didn't come out as intended and that Kelly sent her a really nice text ("I'd love to help") afterwards. I wonder what the Countess has to say about sending a half-assed apology via text? Call me old fashioned, but I think it sounds kind of insincere, as in "my PR rep says I should apologize but I don't want to actually apologize, so I'll just send a text in between fartfests."

Ramoner bursts into the room late.

She says she thinks she has a clothing and watch sponsor and then makes the sign of the cross, which I found to be totally bizarre and typical Ramoner.

She offers to donate samples from her new skincare line for the gift bags. Ally laughs as she says "when did you start a skincare line?" It wasn't said unkindly; I interpreted it as more of a nervous teenager laugh, but Ramoner says "I've been working on it for years, sweetheart." And she uses "sweetheart" like the Countess does--as a substitute for "you stupid whore."

Kelly notices Jill's ginormous diamond and tells her "your diamond is bigger than your eyeball!" Jill responds with "yeah and it's dirtier too." I love you, Jill Zarin. Then she tells the camera while wagging her ring finger, "this is the baby. If she's impressed by the baby, she should see the mama!" Jill's diamonds are a testament to the power of blow jobs. Very inspiring.

Ramoner and Jill talk about the tennis match and confirm the date. Jill mentions that that's the day Bethenny is going to see Madonna. SILENCE and TENSION fill the room (and my house) at the reference to Madonna. After a tiny beat, Jill laughs and says, "she's going to see Kelly!" Everyone, including Kelly, chuckles and the awkwardness is replaced by RELIEF.

2. Alex is helping Bethenny rework her Skinny Girl logo. Bethenny expresses her appreciation to the camera and says that she feels badly for making fun of Silex in the past.

3. Countess Luann visits the Boys and Girls Club of Brooklyn to talk about self-esteem, of which she has PLENTY. The anonymous commenter who said "omg. luann with the poor girls. i am cringing so hard i'm burning calories" in my previous post just KILLED me. Can't you imagine Luann saying to Rosie, "Don't count on me for taco night--I'm off to visit the poor children!"

There were lots of uncomfortable moments, but the one that most of you singled out was when one of the poor girls tells Luann she wants to be a model. Luann confidently asks her to stand up and you can see her expression change ever-so-slightly when she sees that the girl is overweight. Luann tells her that she's pretty and tall, and that "losing weight is the easy part!" I hate to take the Countess' side, but I think this was edited. I don't think that even she would be so tactless to bring that up herself--I'm guessing that the girl said "but I need to lose weight" or something like that.

Don't ever say I didn't do anything nice for you, Countess.

I also have to give props to The C-Word for playing basketball with the poor girls in her high heeled boots and shift dress.


Bitch was out for blood, if you ask me. Just because they're poor doesn't mean she should let them win. Did you also notice the Countess going ON and ON about the Count's family again? Her identity is so wrapped up in that title. How is she going to make these little charity visits after the divorce? What will she say? "My ex husband is a Count, and he was given this title because one must be able to COUNT pretty high in order to keep track of the women he fucked during our marriage."

4. Brad and Jill tour Jill's newly decorated apartment. "Do you not love it?" Brad asks. "It's beyond!" Jill breathes. Yes. Beyond hideous. JESUS. I have never seen so many accessories and patterns crammed into one space--just thinking about it gives me a headache. Another favorite comment was from Suzette, who wrote "According to Jill's live blog [Tuesday] night, she is recovering from a boob reduction - probably so she can squeeze down that hallway past the pointy mirrors and the bulging tchatchke cabinets." That may be the most perfectly descriptive sentence I have ever read. Oh, to see that beautiful, spacious entryway defiled in such a manner!


Brad should be arrested. (and a speedy recovery to you, Jill.)

5. Bethenny and her assistant make fun of Silex's website and the fact that Simon has a fan page on facebook. A little harsh, considering that Alex was helping her (for free, I wonder?) and Simon dropped everything to be Jill's tennis partner.

6. Bethenny visits Jill's apartment and her head pops off. Well, almost. She obviously doesn't like it and she totally took the wind out of Jill's sails. Poor Jill. Her apartment is a crowded shiny mess, but she spent a shit-ton of money on it and she loves it. If I were Jill's friend, I would have piled on the enthusiasm for the least offensive items. For examples of least offensive items, please visit Mrs. Limestone (Jill, she has some good advice on how to undo some of Brad's damage).

Jill's LA tennis pro and partner for the Maryo-Ramoner match calls and cancels due to a back injury. PANIC! But then Bethenny and Jill hatch an evil yet brilliant plan--they will ask Ramoner's worst enemy to play with Jill. SIMON. "Will he do it?" Jill wonders aloud. "He'll quit his job to do it." Bethenny responds. She calls him on speakerphone. She explains the situation and does this dead-on freaky imitation of Ramoner with bonkers eyes saying "I didn't know you were coming!" Simon agrees to be Jill's partner. To the camera, Bethenny says "of course" he agreed--he loves to be the center of attention, and he just wants to be "one of the girls."


I must be getting soft in my old age, but I think he was doing it just to be nice.

7. Kelly and Max go on their fart extravaganza. Kelly uses a lot of cliches, and Max tells Kelly that he found her "sparkle" make-up on his face after their last date. It's just one big juicy pot of stupid. Then farty Kelly tells the camera, "everyone wants to go out with Max and Max wants to go out with me. How flattering is that?" Kelly, next time punch YOURSELF.

8. Jill meets Simon to practice some tennis. "I never met an Australian who couldn't play tennis!" Jill says. She's ready to kick some Singer ass. She's happy with how Simon hits with her and Simon seems pretty psyched to take the 'Moner down a notch. Team Jimon!


9. Alex goes to Bethenny's to take some photos for Bethenny's new logo.


Bethenny is hoping that Alex "gets it" and that Jill's charity event will be the perfect place to unveil the new logo. I sense a little foreshadowing here, do you?

10. Later, at Jill's House of Loco, Jill learns that her housekeeper has quit. She's bitching and moaning and says to Bethenny, "I try to keep my life simple!" to which Bethenny responds, "yeah, I can tell by the apartment." Had you been standing on my doorstep at that moment, you would have heard an embarrassingly loud bark of laughter.

11. The long anticipated tennis match! Ramoner and Mario are warming up and the other Housewives show up to watch. Kelly saunters in wearing a shorty-short dress with a huge fabric flower on her cooter, and LORD do I wish there was a picture of it. Brad looks like he's dressed for a Pimp and Ho party. Jill's friends and Bobby show up in their Team Jill skull and crossbones shirts. Ramoner calls it "déclassé." Then this happened, which I thought was a little unexpected:

Bitch is pretty much declaring war on Ramoner. Whose side are you on?

12. Jill arrives over an hour late and Mario yells "ya late! ya late! Ten more minutes and ya woulda forfeited!" Such an effing guido. Simon is darting around in the hallway trying to avoid Ramoner because "the element of surprise is critical." Ramoner's friend Joni (a dead ringer for "Sex and the City's Eurotrash Amalita) tips Ramoner off: "Simon's going to play!" Ramoner says no way, Jill would never do that.

Finally, Simon walks onto the court. Everyone looks at Ramoner, who does not react except for some irrepressible twitching of the eyes. She tells the camera, "I was beside myself! I was so disgusted. I wouldn't give [Jill] the satisfaction [of a tantrum]." Everyone is disappointed with Ramoner's uncharacteristic composure, especially mastermind Bethenny who says that it was anti-climactic and that "the whole purpose was to get Ramoner wound up."

The match starts. Turns out Simon can't play for shit. I feel so sorry for him--he looks like a fool (in more ways than one)

and everyone is laughing at him. Luann says he looks like an 80s aerobics instructor, and while this is accurate, it's not at all polite. After the initial amusement of the whole Simon-is-playing bit wears off, it just becomes downright sad. And boring.


It becomes even more pathetic when Simon asks Alex with great seriousness to get his glasses. WTF? He can't see? Doesn't matter. Still can't play. Jill's embarrassed but is kind to Simon and plays her heart out. Bravo creates some false drama to make us think that Simon and Jill have a chance, when clearly they do not. Ramoner, meanwhile, is blind with fury


After the win, she tells the camera "this is very insulting" and not something that a friend would do to another friend.

Watch your back, Jill.



Next week, it appears that Ramoner is back to her normal self and loses her shit on Bethenny. Ooooh, mistake. Big mistake. I wish you well, Ramoner.

In other news, Bravo's new series NYC Prep premieres June 16. It's a real life Gossip Girl! We'll talk more about it later--delicious.

41 comments:

Shannon said...

HA! I was watching this episode and my husband kept asking me "why is the hag lady talking about farting?" Direct quote.

Jilly Id said...

Wow, have you read Bethenny's blog on Bravo? Whoa, she was a little mean and really dissed Alex and Simon and the posts ripped her a new one over it.
I don't like Jill's apt. redo. Way over the top. You almost need Dramamine to walk through it.
Loved the girls reaction to the Countess - rolling of the eyes and looks of boredom when she talked about her title and being organized.
Simon was nice about playing even though he told Jill over and over he hadn't played in years and wasn't very good. It was a sad match.
Also, Bethenny said Kelly still hadn't come through with the portrait deal months after the charity auction. Ha!

SpryOnTheWall said...

I'm so glad I wasn't the only one to hear the fartfest! Jill's apartment looks like a Vegas nightmare, very glitzy. Too much! I too am so excited about New Jersey - this could be the most over the top dramatic one of the bunch! Great recap!!!

Anonymous said...

I actually had to rewind Kellys comment because I thought she said Fu--Fest!

chateaudelu said...

Can I just say that Brad is very close to becoming my arch nemesis? How dare he create such a design disaster in that fantastic apartment! Jill wanted to be Mid-Century Modern Girl, not Mid-Life Crisis Psychosis Monotonous Hot Mess Girl. I'm onto you Brad. Team Jill needs to figure it out.

amber {daisy chain} said...

Did you hear the news about the Countess???
Let's see how she deals with divorce, though she's made it clear, she's keeping the title. Here's the link:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090409/ap_en_tv/people_countess_de_lesseps

it is everlasting said...

I have to say that I usually really detest Silex but this week changed my mind. Are they attention loving publicity whores, yes? But are they also really genuine nice people who do there best to help those around them, yes. This week made me really feel for Simon because I think that he was just doing a favor for a friend. Awww.... Silex. Who knew they could earn a place in my heart?!!?

Leah said...

RHNJ: What an effin' horror show.

franki durbin said...

Agreed. This week was a snooze compared to last week's showdown. I honestly think I could happily watch "the bethenny show" if it existed. She's a riot.

And Jill's apartment? So terribly overdone. She needs an intervention. Jill, I'm here to help. Text me.

Have RHNJ on TiVo. Cannot wait!!!

Brittany said...

I was so incredibly bored this week...and Ramoner could have pooped a blood vessel holding all that shit in. It would have done her good, and all of us some good if she let it out and bitched Jill out. Then, there would have been some good tv, and she wouldn't have been desperately attempting to not flip out.

My Jersey girls did what I knew they would; give my state a bad name, and confirm my belief that the majority of rich people in North Jersey act just like that.

They are what I would call Bennys. A Benny is someone who comes from NY or North Jersey and goes down to the shore in Central Jersey. They basically annoy the shit out of everyone here, and look very out of place. And they are so much fun to make fun of. :)

There's a website dedicated to making them go home, and in the Asbury Park Press there is a section in the summertime called "Benny or Local". It's a serious business. lol.

Brittany said...

OH MY GOODNESS NO. NO. WHY?!?!?!

Gretchen...and Slade? What?

Just read Bethenny's blog, and now I'm upset. This is a bad turn of events.

Brittany said...

OH MY GOODNESS NO. NO. WHY?!?!?!

Gretchen...and Slade? What?

Just read Bethenny's blog, and now I'm upset. This is a bad turn of events.

Anonymous said...

Bethenny...wow. She's letting the lovefest get to her. I read her blog and went 'Yes, dear. We love Silex because you, in your infinite wisdom decided to bestow some kindness to them. Kind of like welcoming them to the fringes of your exalted circles. Now, take your medicine, dear. It's good for you.'
What a bunch of crock! She's pretty much on the show to advertise her brand. Calling out Silex for the very same thing she's done - in two reality shows, no less - is just plain ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

I am confused. Kelly was dating Max during the taping of this show and then managed to start dating someone else and get engaged since then? What is that, mere months? Can this be right?

dee said...

Ramoner is blind with fury!!
The power of blow jobs!!
I think I just burned a hole in the chair!!!!!!

I seriously am laughing so hard I may have just soiled myself!!!!

Paul is howling too!!

Elaine said...

You're in my heart, you're in my soul
you'll be my breathe when i get old
you're not my lover, you're my best friend
you're in my soul

Anonymous said...

Dina from RH of New Jersey was on VH1's My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding...http://www.genwi.com/play/1717173

Tuesday Taylor said...

I LOVED Kelly's cootchie flower!! And did you noticed Jill's 'Gay Husband' wearing the royal blue pimp hat? Finally, the pose Alex had Bethenney in for her new logo was straight up the pin up girl from Joe Trucker's mud flap.

Ambassador for Wool said...

Thanks for the recap SGM. I haven't seen this episode yet but thanks to you I don't have to.

Have you had a chance to read Michael K's post about Kelly claiming to be the Ambassador for Wool?! Too funny!

Rizza said...

i just watched the preview of Real Housewives of New Jersey and it is hilarious!!! OMG! i can't wait to watch it.

Kitcat said...

Is it me or did Max suddenly take lessons to get rid of his thick accent from last week. He could barely put sentences together in the last episode and in this one he spoke clearly. I think he's an actor that Kelly hired to play her date, that's why they're so giggly with each other and that's why she got engaged so quickly to her current punching bag. I'll bet ol'Max said some prayers when he heard about her arrest, he was thanking God it wasn't him.

I think that Ramoner and Mario came off looking like a--es, so much for the tennis match being for fun. If Simon had been messing up on purpose and acting like a clown I would understand their being upset but Simon was really trying his best by the look on his face. And kudos to Jill for walking over to Alex and saying that Simon did good. That's class, pay attention Ramona!

I'm sorry if I have to hear the word bubbies from the New Jersy season I may not watch. I'm kind of torn because I love watching the Housewives seasons but this New Jersey one just may take the cake as far as stereotyping. I'll just have to give it a chance.

Hannah said...

the countess visiting the young girls club? dear. god. my favorite part was when she was listing things she liked about herself and she said "i'm likable. people generally like me...that's important!" even though a) not sure that's true and b) the whole exercise was about liking YOURSELF. by the way, such a good recap this week!

crabapple said...

I know how everyone feels about Kelly, and please don't throw any rotten fruit my way for saying this, but I think (like LuAnn) she may have gotten some bad edits and been a bit misrepresented at times.

I just think no one has ever dared say anything negative to her before, and when Bethanny got so up in her face, it gobsmacked her hard and knocked all the sense and ability to string words together coherently right out of her head.

She probably felt she needed to defend herself on camera, hence the awkward bar scene, but was too flustered to handle it at all (or maybe did some coke for courage first, not a good idea Kel)...you can see how freaked out she was by Bethanny's continuing composure at what she (Kelly) must have thought were some great zingers. I think she just expected Bethanny to crumble right away.

At many other times during the show I felt she came off very nice, certainly her advice to Ramoner was classy, she seemed nice at the horse show,and she did try hard w/ Bethanny during the fashion show, tho B wasn't havin it.

I think perhaps she was unprepared at the charity meeting, and did want to help, but had a prior policy about not using her name..just a thought. Jill is still by far my favorite.

ecmoody said...

I just stumbled upon your blog. I think you are HILARIOUS! I love all the RHWONY recaps. So funny!!

News Readin' Wife said...

The Real Housewives of New Jersey are going to make the OC and NYC shrews look kind and graceful.
The minute I heard, "my family is as thick as thieves" from Caroline and T-Rex toss the table, I knew it was a winning combo.
I can't freakin' wait!!!

Carrie Nicole said...

I can't wait for RHWNJ, that shit is going to be fabulous. Both shows make me miss living in NY but the NJ chicks, they most closely resemble most of the women I knew growing up (in speech and attitude) and it's so f'ing great! I love it!

Anonymous said...

Okay, what is more embarrassing to watch?
1. The countess at the girls' club
2. Kim from RHA singing
3. Bush's press conferences

It is a true toss-up for me...

And another thing, I like Bethanny, but I have to agree with you... she could have found something nice to say to Jill about her apartment. I KNOW it's a mess (although it looks better in the Traditional Home pictures-- no pics of the cabinets, heehee), but she was so excited and proud. I would have found some nice things to say to my friend.
Okay, now I have to go to Bethanny's blog and see what everyone's talking about. Can I waste any more of my day????

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