Yeah, Kelly! You tell her! Bethenny just runs her mouth blah blah blah while you get shit done. So she has a thriving career and a bestselling book, BIG DEAL. Everyone knows that a book is just talking that's written down. You, on the other hand, are doing important things--no need to elaborate on that. Everyone knows that people who are chronically late aren't just snorting coke in the bathroom of the Brass Monkey--they're making the world a better place by doing unspecified work that does not include charity. So you'd just better check yourself, Bethenny!
Poor Kelly. Her decision to be a part of The Real Housewives of New York City is proving to be a disastrous one. The bright lights of the camera are exposing her as a vain, self-centered twit, and that ain't good for business (whatever her business may be). But it is SO good for Bravo and for us, because her trashy ass is our treasure. Let's get it on!
1. Ramoner invites Kelly to the Badgely Mischka fashion show.
Kelly is telling Ramoner about her spat with Bethenny at Jill's charity meeting. "Bad manners are rully rully repulsive to me and I was rully rully put off by [Bethenny's behavior]," she says (YES, that is a direct quote).
"Do you think it's jealousy?" Ramoner asks. Kelly blathers on, but basically says no.
(I think now would be a good time to mention that Kelly is also an author. And do you know what the number one Amazon result is when you search for Kelly Bensimon? Bethenny's book. OUCH.)
After the show, Kelly and Ramoner have a drink and 'Moner asks Kelly for advice about how she should handle the detested Simon.
Kelly tells her to be polite and say hi and then move on. There's also a lot of "you're a great awesome girl with rully great awesome amazing energy," which delights me. Kelly segues all of this into how she needs to talk to Bethenny, and tells the camera, "...to be confrontational isn't cool. It's really inappropriate." (btw, if you took a gulp of a Skinny Girl Margarita every time you heard the word "inappropriate" come from Kelly's mouth, you would be in the hospital by the end of this episode).
2. Jill's apartment renovation is almost complete. It looks kind of fussy/tacky, but maybe the previews from next week are coloring my view (did you catch those display cabinets? Holy Jesus, I had to avert my eyes.) She went over budget, but Bobby doesn't care and we are left to assume that Jill gives really excellent blow jobs. Sorry for the mental image of Bobby's peen.
3. Over to Silex's renovation. At this point, I'm bouncing on the couch, hissing "skip these freaks! Let's get to the FIGHT!" But no, we have to listen to Silex drone on and ON and torture their interior designer. Silex talk about how they have this huge photo of Alice Cooper with a snake, and Alex laughs like "we're the coolest craziest most original mofos on the planet!" and the designer is clearly bewildered as he says hesitantly, "I'm glad you guys are edgy."
4. Finally, it's time for the most spectacular confrontation in the history of the illustrious Housewives series. You've all seen it by now (full episode is online so not having cable is no excuse), and if you haven't seen it, then what the HELL is taking you so long?
Every word spoken during this scene deserves our attention, but we've all got chocolate chip cookies to eat and pants to unbutton and more shitty tv to watch, so let's just cover the highlights, shall we?
Kelly charges into the Brass Monkey in her pink wellies and green off-the-shoulder sweater dress.
"Bethenny needs a time out," she tells the camera. And if that doesn't work, how about a spanking? Kelly is so blinded by her own bravado that she cannot sense the DOOM that is sure to result from treating Bethenny like a spoiled eight year old.
When Kelly walks up to Bethenny, we discover that she is a HALF AN HOUR late for her own "sit down." When B points this out, Kelly says breezily, "oh that's too bad" and immediately launches in to her "wur not friends" speech. Bethenny is a little shocked, but calmly agrees. Kelly continues, "your attitude, it's for kids." Trix are for kids too, bitch. What's your point? Let's just go straight to the transcript (sent to me by the angel Paige):
Kelly: You want to play with me, you come up to me, I don't go down to you.
Bethenny: Excuse me? I don't do anything you want me to do.
Kelly: (Laughs) Honestly, Bethenny?
Bethenny: I'm waiting to hear what you invited me here to say.
Kelly: I will not indulge you in this. We're not the same. This is you (gesturing downward) this (she lifts her hand) is me.
Bethenny: You're here (hand-lifting) because why?
OH SHIT. Suggesting that Bethenny is somehow lowborn or beneath you--you might as well start picking out your coffin because YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE. Kelly explains that she's "up there" because she won't put up with B's "bullshit" because "it's totally inappropriate" (take a drink!). Kelly says with saracastic sympathy that she feels so badly for B because she embarrasses herself. B brings up the whole "arthritis is cute" business, which Kelly completely ignores and instead talks about how Bethenny is all talk and Kelly actually does things. What? What things?
Bethenny confronts Kelly about how they've met 7 times and Kelly never remembers her. Of course, Kelly doesn't remember this. She does recall the party where she flirted with Bethenny's boyfriend. Let's go back to the transcript:
Kelly: Okay, I flirted with the man who was taking my picture for Wire Image? I don't think so. He's hired.
Bethenny: He wasn't hired, actually, he was my boyfriend, he came with me.
Kelly: Okay, YOU were invited to MY house?
Bethenny: Yes, by Ginny Hilfiger, she's a friend of mine.
Kelly: Okay, well, Ginny has her opinion of you. But I was so disgusted by your behavior.
Bethenny: My behavior doing what?
Kelly: You tell me doing what. You tell me.
Last week Susannah likened Bethenny to an anaconda who would open her huge jaws and swallow Kelly whole. This is all I could think about as I watched Bethenny eyes turn into narrow slits as she calmly watched Kelly flail around like a rabid hyena. I was waiting for Bethenny to strike the death blow, and I think she tried, but Kelly was so nervous/flustered/stupid/high that most of Bethenny's attacks went over her head. In the end, it was Kelly's own arrogant behavior that made her look like a total jackass.
The scene finishes with Kelly jumping up and running off saying, "I'm not talking to you. Have a great life." Bethenny checks her phone and waits for a few moments before she gets up to leave. As she's walking out, she runs into Kelly AGAIN.
Kelly: You need to chill out. You are so inappropriate.
Bethenny (completely calm): I'm completely calm.
Kelly: Oh my GOD. You're crazy. I gotta go on a date!
Bethenny: (dryly, as Kelly is running off): With your imaginary boyfriend?
5. Kelly meets her imaginary boyfriend/date, Maximilian. He's a good-looking, smarmy Euro and Kelly is ALL OVER him, but first she has to vent about the Bethenny incident. She makes it sound as if she was the one who was cool and calm and that Bethenny was the rabid hyena with the Valley girl accent.
She tells the camera that she was very unsettled by the conversation and after (apparently) consulting her thesaurus, calls the whole incident "childish, sophomoric, high school and inappropriate." She also says like she felt she was a parent explaining proper protocol to a child. Gosh, I wonder why anyone would find that offensive?
"It's just a matter of upbringing though, some people just don't know," she tells Max. Bethenny's eyes will pop out of her head when she hears this.
Max listens and makes noises of consolation, and Kelly manages to slip in her new vocabulary word "foil." Then Max says "let's go fuck, lady with Pink Panther legs," and Kelly hops up and says "awesome!" (that's the gist, anyway.)
6. Bethenny is emotionally blackmailed into going with Ramoner to watch Mario play tennis. Ramoner says, "hey, I heard you had an altercation with Kelly." Bethenny relates the story from the charity meeting and then does an excellent impression of Kelly (she really has a gift) at the Brass Monkey meeting. Here she is doing the "this is you and this is me" that will haunt Kelly forever:
Ramoner's eyes are working overtime. She can't believe it! Bethenny tells the camera that if Kelly would have said, "you were snide and hurt my feelings," Bethenny would have apologized. Instead, Kelly came at her in a threatening way, in a "you don't know who you're messing with" way and that type of approach doesn't fly with B. In fact, it inflames her. She tells Ramoner that Kelly is "a raving lunatic" and "a loose cannon."
Ramoner is uncharacteristically diplomatic when she tells the camera that she's heard both sides and doesn't know what to think except that "not everyone likes everyone."
7. It's installation day at Jill's apartment. The tv doesn't fit and she's freaking out. I love Jill and think she would be a fantastic friend, but I would never want to work for her. Too much kvetching.
8. Ramoner and Mario are at dinner, and Ramoner brings up the doubles match with Jill, who's being a little wishy-washy on setting a date. Mario calls Jill a primadonna and there is much eye-rolling as Ramoner says that Jill just needs to lighten up. What's the problem with setting a date, they wonder, because it's not like Jill has any obligations--she just shops, eats and travels with Bobby. Harsh! What I want to know is why Jill just doesn't say "Mary-o, you're a pain in the ass and I don't want to play tennis with you."
Moving on. Ramoner tells Mario that she's upset with Kelly, who wrote a piece for Page Six Magazine talking about how she was introducing the Housewives to "her" world, which is fashion. Ramoner is all "fashion is MY world and I invited HER into MY world." She says that Kelly is a liar, and that "maybe she's braindead." Check the eyes:
I find it fascinating that there are so many genuine reasons for which to dislike Kelly, yet Ramoner doesn't latch onto any of them. Instead, she picks up this one generalized sentence and calls her braindead. Whatever, Ramoner. I'm just glad you're no longer on Team Fakey Fake Horseface.
9. The Countess! Kelly says that she invited the Countess to the Page Six Magazine party because she thought LuAnn would really have fun. Is she lying again? All of the other housewives (except Bethenny) are at this party--is Kelly saying that the Countess would not have been invited otherwise?
In the car on the way over, Kelly brings up Bethenny's "attack" on her at the charity meeting. LuAnn calls that shit out, and says that it wasn't really an attack, but that Bethenny was "stand-offish." When the Countess learns that Kelly wanted to meet with Bethenny to talk about it, she is surprised and tells the camera that she didn't think it was necessary. When the Countess learns that Kelly was LATE to said meeting, she shakes her head in disbelief with a look that says, "woman, you have balls, big hairy horsey balls." Finally, the Countess is using her condescending manner for GOOD instead of EVIL.
Kelly, once again, makes Bethenny out to be the hysteric and of course, "inappropriate and ill-mannered."
By the by, you know what else is inappropriate and ill-mannered? Punching your boyfriend and getting arrested.
Anyhow! The Countess tries to explain that Bethenny can come off as tough but has a good heart, and Kelly says "I don't see her as tough at all; I see her as...displaced." Displaced? Like a refugee? What in God's name is she talking about?! Then she says more nonsense to the camera about "I feel sorry for Bethenny because she has no impact on my life whatsoever." Oh really? I bet she's having an impact on your Amazon book sales, sister.
10. At the Page Six Magazine party, LuAnn and Kelly are talking with LuAnn's literary (!) agent. The Countess is explaining how her husband's ancestor turned down the title of Duke and that the Countess should really be a Duchess. Did anyone else feel sorry for her in light of her present circumstance? She's so proud of her husband's noble family, yet it isn't too difficult to imagine them as a bunch of assholes who bought their titles with stolen money.
11. Ramoner confronts Kelly about the sentence and Kelly immediately backtracks saying "I wasn't talking about YOU." Ramoner is pacified. I know you want to see the eyes again. Here they are.
12. Bobby looks like a P-I-M-P and Brad is dressed as though he is a part of the gay Rythym Nation.
13. Jill spies Mario and tells the camera she's going to pick a fight with him over this stupid tennis match. I love to watch Bobby fade away as Jill and Mario start screaming at each other. Big Daddy loves Jill, but he does not like the drama. (by the way, I have spent HOURS racking my brain trying to think of the name of the minor celeb who looks like Bobby. Who is it? Someone with full beard, ponytail and blue eyes. HELP.) So Mario is getting all red in the face, shushing Jill and being loud and rude, and Jill finally says "Ahm gonna punch you OUT."
"Gah head!" Mario responds. Where the hell is Ramoner? At that moment, Bobby saunters over and leans into Jill and casually says, "you need help, baby?" Jill, who is furiously texting, says "take cara him" as she motions to Mario. "Security!" Bobby calls out over his shoulder, waving his drink. Everyone smiles. SITUATION DIFFUSED. (Did you know that Bobby has his own Facebook fan page? Rightly so, if you ask me.) But Jill is serious! They actually have a driver/bodyguard, Wayne, at the party. Jill calls Wayne over. "WAAAAYNE! Would you take cara him? Stop shaking his hand!" But she says it all with a smile, and she's still texting. Kelly, take note: this is how you handle it when someone is rude to you.
14. Then Mario and Ramoner take on Silex. I think they were just drunk, walking around stirring up trouble. The conflict this time is about how Ramoner invited Silex to a big fancy party a while ago and then they made her look like a fool when they didn't say "Oh, by the way, Alex has some scandalous nude photos coming out tomorrow." More crazy eyes to the camera.
That's it! So much fighting. I loved your comments right after the show. Have more to say? Are the fans of Kelly still out there? Spill it.