Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Later Days

My dear honeys, I am taking a blogging break for no good reason except that it's so nice outside. I love you, and will be back next week-ish.

I will leave you with this because it makes me happy (and how AWESOME are those dancers?!).

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Garage Update and also I LOVE YOU FRANK

Back in November, we were forced to empty our basement so that the foundation of our house could be repaired. The whole process made me feel like some sort of gross consumer a-hole, which in turn led to my spending hiatus of indefinite length. I wrote about it here, but really, don't bother because it's one of my earlier posts and it makes me cringe a little bit.

Here is what our garage looked like when we dumped the contents of our basement into it:

Garage then

Although the repairs were completed within 2 weeks, it took us FORFUCKINGEVER to sort through all of our crap. We donated a lot of it, trashed a lot and put some back in the basement. There are only a few stubborn items that refuse to magically disappear and allow both of us to park in the garage:

Garage now

Box springs for a double mattress. Did you know that the Salvation Army will not take this? WHY?! As part of a non-violent protest, we are refusing to move it back down to the basement. So here it stays until the Salvation Army bows to our pressure.

Prominent in the garage is a farm table which fit nicely into our old brick bungalow, but just looks too country in this house. Frank refuses to move this (with me at least) because I am a big pussy and will bang up the walls and whine a lot trying to get it back into the basement. We may just sell it because we are too lazy to move it 15 feet and down some stairs.

I don't know if you can see a smidge of orange behind the farm table, but those are the beloved* Broncos stadium seats, purchased by Frank when Mile High Stadium was torn down. When we eventually finish our basement and turn it into one big shrine to the Broncos**, the seats will be the centerpiece, along with this:

Ah, the John Elway stand-up liquor store display that manages to scare the shit out of one of us at least twice a week due to his extremely life-like presence in the garage. Love it!***

One last thing, because everyone, even strangers walking by our house, asks "what are those dental chairs doing in the back? Are you a dentist?" The answer is no, no, a thousand times no. They are antique barber chairs we brought from Kansas when my dad closed his clothing store. They are the heaviest mothereffing chairs you will ever see in your life, but the plan is that they will go in our basement (when we finish it) right by the pool table in the Broncos shrine.

So there you have it. When two cars are able to fit into the garage again, I will let you know. It will probably be around the time the Broncos shrine in finished, so . . . yeah. See you then.

* Okay, they are not beloved AT ALL by me, but I said that because I am trying to make up to Frank for calling him a fucktard in the comments of this post. I am so sorry Frank! Who knew you even read this blog? I was just trying to bond with Elaine and got carried away.

**Still trying to kiss up to Frank but there will be no Broncos shrine. Shhhhhh.

***No I don't but I love you, Frank!

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Did you honestly think I would let this slide, Lucky?

Lucky's Cute Outfit of the Day, April 23, 2008


This could be the cute outfit of the day at a progressive mid-western convent in the 1970s, but not at the office of a major fashion magazine.

Conde Nast, I urge you to look into mandatory drug testing for the staff at Lucky.

Friday, April 25, 2008

I need to talk to the people buying these

Marc by Marc Jacobs Starburst clear tote, $137.90, on sale from $198

Bulga clear tote for $277 (on sale from $462)

Fendi Clear Prism bowler, $1150

But first I would like to slap them across the face, or maybe throw a cup of cold water on them. Haven't decided.

Then I would tell them a little story. Once upon a time many, many years ago when I was a student, I worked at Saks. The security staff, being a very suspicious group, would not let employees bring regular handbags to work. No, we had to leave them at home and bring in a clear bag, much like the Marc Jacobs one above, so that they could search them easily and know that we weren't stealing lipstick or an Escada evening gown. Guess what? Saks provided the bags for FREE. It's true!

If you are really dying for a bag that looks like a free gift with purchase, just apply for a job at Saks, Nordstrom, even Macy's. They'll give you a clear plastic bag and you can quit before your first day. You can then bedazzle it or quilt it--whatever. Spend the money that you saved on a cute dress from Anthropolgie or, in the case of the Fendi bag, I recommend that you save it and put it toward getting some treatment for that brain injury you've obviously suffered.

Just a little money-saving tip from SGM. Good luck!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Whatcha gonna do with all that junk?

Serena Williams

Why, shove it in a pair of jeans 2 sizes too small and hold your breath till you take them off with a pair of pliers. Jesus, it hurts just to look at this.

Google is a really crappy babysitter

I was in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner and my 6 year old and 3 year old asked to get on the computer. Sure. Their harmless little websites are bookmarked, and Google's Safesearch was on. I could clean in peace. Or so I thought.

After about 5 minutes, I heard shrieks and giggles coming from the computer room and walked in to find a big butt on the screen. A big, hairy, explicit ass with balls and a hint of penis. Like some dude had asked his friend to lie on the floor underneath him and take a picture as he squatted down.

How did this happen?

My kids did a Google image search for "pee and poo." Thanks a lot, Google. Thanks for showing my sweet innocent children the private parts of a strange and depraved man on the internet. There are some sick people out there, Google, but I never thought you were one of them. You are not allowed to watch my kids ever again, do you hear? I'm setting my home page to Yahoo, who will hopefully be more responsible and mature.

Now get out of here before I call the police!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


The quote is from Bethenny, of course. Leave it up to the Real Housewives of New York City to keep it real--no sugar coating on this reunion show and it was beautiful! Let's get started with Ms. Crazypants herself!

1. Ramoner. You are so fucking crazy. Like, Danny Bonaduce and Janice Dickinson should come to you for crazy lessons because you could teach them a thing or two about being totally insane, not to mention contradictory and delusional. Holy shit, girl--one of the viewer questions to you was "what are you on?" I wish you would have answered because whatever it is, we all need to stay far, far away from it.

My very favorite part of tonight was when Alex was asked about her nude photos and Ramoner, you were so offended by Alex's photos that you indignantly stormed off of the set, but not before totally spreading your legs in your effort to get up from the sofa. This is the essence of you, Ramoner, and I'm thrilled it was captured so beautifully. Simon then drove the point home by saying that your disapproval was kind of hypocritical considering your penchant for dressing like a prostitute and grinding against strangers on the dance floor. Good one, my man.

My second favorite part was when the host asked if you cringed over anything in the show. You bring up the dinner party, another gathering in which you left abruptly and rudely with no plausible explanation. I must admit, I thought an apology was coming but NO, because that would be the act of rationality. You launched into a another set of excuses: 1) you had a family member who was very ill and you needed to be with girls (or something like that; I didn't quite understand the raving) and 2) you had told Jill in advance that you couldn't stay the whole time; a statement which was pretty much called a lie by Jill and Bethenny, who had heard the conversation. This was when you should have said a straight-up "I'm sorry" but again, that would be denying the crazy, and you don't want to do that. So, you dig yourself deeper by continuing to defend your atrocious manners, saying that Jill and Bethenny, the two nicest and most honest people on the show, conspired to set you up to look bad. When they try to defend themselves, you interrupt with something like "I'm trying to apologize [insert screaming, flailing and buggy eyes], why are you attacking me?!" Uh, what?

You're nuts. Entertaining, but nuts.

2. Bethenny and Jill. I'm lumping you two girls together because you both brought the funny and the tough questions tonight. Swear to God, the two of you have a future in investigative journalism or maybe even law enforcement.

Jill, my modern day Yenta, I really like you. It took me awhile, but I'm finally on Team Jill (but don't hold your breath on my t-shirt order). I still reserve the right to make fun of your website for its general cheesiness and especially for "Jill's coincidences," but overall I think you're all right. You're down-to-earth and clearly have a good heart. You're also not afraid to challenge people who start talking out of their asses.

You not only cut short Alex and Simon when they were trying to claim that they weren't social climbers (HA!), but you used the phrase "ripped him a new one" when confronting Ramoner about her treatment of Simon at tour infamous dinner party. I wish I could have seen the Countess' face on that one!

For the record, I forgive you for walking out of the Luca Luca show and applaud you for not punching Ramoner in the face when she was screaming (she's always screaming) about how you were lying about it.

Bethenny, darling! You didn't let anyone get away with any waffling or lame excuses tonight and I really appreciated that. I think you should host all reality show reunions in the future because you call people to the carpet, girl! You also owned everything you said to the camera and didn't back down from it. You called Alex pretentious and her actions gauche to her face. Yes! When Alex and Simon were trying to convince everyone that they were misrepresented on the high society front, you called bullshit on that. Simon said "I think you're misunderstanding . . ." and you say "no I'm not, I'm a pretty smart girl"--LOVED IT. Good luck to you with Jason and everything else, my friend. I wish the best for you.

3. Countess. My opinion of you has not changed. I still think you're incredibly condescending. Love how you deflected Rosanna's criticism of your parenting by saying she was referring to the Count. Is that what she eventually confessed to while you dangled her over the balcony of your Park Avenue townhome?

You mentioned tonight that so many people had come to you for advice about manners that you are in the process of writing a book on etiquette. Is it proper etiquette to correct someone's pronunciation of a word with a "could you be any more stupid" laugh? Maybe in the case of Ramoner it is, but I hope you don't do that to regular people. You might also want to make a note that ending a sentence with "darling" or "sweetheart" such as "that's just the way it is, sweetheart" is really not being kind or softening a blow. It's more of an obvious substitute for "you retard."

4. Alex. Oh, you were trying so hard to play it cool tonight! It was painful to watch you deny your social aspirations in light of your words and actions asserting the exact opposite throughout every single episode this season. Pretty much everyone on the set called you out on this, as they should have. It's clear that you realized how desperate you and Simon appeared and that you were trying for some damage control. Your explanations, when they didn't fall flat, just seemed full of . . . nothing. Just a lot of "blah blah blah."

In regard to your hovel of a home, I did think that everyone was kind of harsh. You are in the middle of a renovation. It's supposed to look like a hovel. The futon and cheap particle board furniture--now that's where the attack should have been focused. Total high five to the Countess, though, for saying "maybe you should spend less money on Cavalli and more on your house." Woo! I also wish you would have talked more about your Playboy audition photos. Jill and Bethenny were asking you some tough questions about your "down south Florida" pictures before Ramoner stole the spotlight. Damn Ramoner.


On the OC reunion shows, everyone tries to make nice and defend each other. Not NYC! These bitches called each other out over and over with lots of shouting, and yet everyone seemed to still be friends at the end. Amazing.

Looking forward to Season 2, especially to see how Alex and Simon will manage to tone it down. See you then!

Express your allegiance with tacky, over-priced clothing

Get out those credit cards, because there is some new Real Housewives of New York merchandise available at! The gerbils at Blogger who are charge of uploading photos are not allowing me to post pictures right now, so let me just describe some of these sure-to-be-collector's-items to you.

1. TEAM JILL TANKS, SHIRTS AND YOGA PANTS (!). Picture Jill, in a poorly lit room, wearing a thin white tank top with "flocked fleur de lis" and almost indecipherable Olde English lettering which reads "Team Jill." This 100% cotton tank cannot be put into the dryer, probably because it will disintegrate. You can view it here.

This is what Jill has to say about it on her blog:
I am not making too many so the cost is very high per shirt as they are hand made [sic]. The designer came up with the Fluer D' lis [sic] as it is very HOT right now in fashion. It is also a symbol for virtue and integrity. I didn't even realize Ramona had one until I read a blog and she told me at the reunion. I thought her's [sic] was a cross. Evidently she made 2 designs. What was I going to do... throw them out? They have been in development for a while. These are a limited edition and should be fun for people to wear.
HOT and limited edition? Plus a symbol of virtue and integrity (despite the fact that it appears to be a knock-off of Ramoner's fleur de lis shirt)? For $44.95? I'm all over it!

2. TEAM LUANN SHIRTS. Her shirts actually read "Team Luanne." I'd order one of these if I were you--the misspelling of her name is going to make this shirt very valuable someday. As for me, I'm going to wait until she comes out with a "Team Mrs. de Lesseps" shirt. I'm hoping it will have a picture of Rosanna scrubbing the floor on it. And a fleur de lis, of course.

3. TEAM BETHENNY SHIRTS. Just a regular old red shirt (50% cotton, 50% poly) with regular old lettering. There's no brand name, fleur de lis, or mention of her father on it.

4. TEAM ALEX. There are no shirts for Team Alex, for the obvious reason. Team Alex does not exist.

5. TEAM RAMONER SHIRTS. Her True Faith shirts, complete with the symbol of virtue and integrity, are available on Bravo's website. I think Bravo might have better luck ditching this line and designing a "Team Avery" shirt.

Tune in for the reunion show tonight!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

The best thing about Leatherheads

. . . was the trailer for Sex and the City. Yes, it's the one we've all seen, but it was so big and sparkling and beautiful! I was positively tingly over the largeness of it all.

It was all downhill from there. John Krasinski was pleasingly hunky and tall (oh, how I love his tallness!), but his character was bleh. Flat. As was the whole entire movie. I've never felt one way or another about George Clooney; frankly, in my mind he's still George the handyman from The Facts of Life.

Okay, who didn't LOVE The Facts of Life? My favorite was Natalie. Jo scared me, and I never could understand why any of the girls liked her. Remember that episode where she stole the beer and Mrs. G was so disappointed and then all of the girls were forced to work in the cafeteria as punishment? I think my aversion to the New York accent may stem from my dislike of Jo.

But back to George. He does absolutely nothing for me, probably because of his connection to Jo. I realize I'm in the minority on this one, and I'm at peace with that. Let's talk about Renee Zellweger. She drives me crazy! Not Rachael Ray or Alex McCord crazy, but more like "what's going on with her lips?" crazy.

Her character in this film had what I can only describe as MAC Viva Glam (you know, the original matte super-red that takes 3 days to remove from your face) smeared on her gigantic pursed lips all of the time. I couldn't take my eyes off of her caked LIPS--I swear they filled the entire screen! Oh, how I wanted to put some Aquaphor on her and wipe that shit off with a kleenex.

Anyhow, this movie was full of cliche and lipstick. Even the eye candy that is John Krasinski couldn't save it for me. WHICH, by the way, did anyone else feel a twinge of depression last week when Jim pulled out the ring?* Like "oh God, he's so happy and in love and I will never have a chance with him now" even though he's a completely fictional character? Okay.

Now let's end on a happy note: the Sex and the City trailer, right here for you to watch again because I know you want to. However, if you'd rather shift into a sad feeling at this point, then click here for a recent revelation about the movie by Cynthia Nixon that is kind of spoiler-y but not really because it is already everywhere.

*You people who watch The Office know what I'm talking about. To those of you who don't watch The Office--you need to get your priorities in order with regard to tv watching.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

A message to my hairdresser

Hi Monica!

How's it going? I am so sorry that I had to cancel on you two weeks ago. As I said on my message, my oldest was barfing and there was just no way I could come in. I know I've canceled on you something like 3 times in the past 4 months, and I feel terribly about it. I swear I'm not A Canceler, but I'm sure you don't want to hear all of my excuses.

The truth is, I'm wondering if it's time we broke up. I'm sitting here with my roots grown out 1.5 inches, and my hair is dreadfully long and stringy, yet I haven't called you. Know why? Because I'm scared. I'm afraid you're going to punish me like you did last time and not get me in for 3 more weeks. I can't wait 3 weeks!

You know I love hearing about your ex-husband and your psychic and your on-and-off relationship with the guy who was built, as you put it, like "a brick shithouse." I'm not being sarcastic--I really do enjoy it. But lately you've been so quiet. My mother-in-law (who also goes to you) is telling me gossip that I should have heard from you. It's getting obvious that you're not that into me, and I think it shows in my hair. You haven't suggested anything helpful in at least a year; it's always "I think you should keep growing it out," and "let's stick with this color." I've needed some hair guidance lately, and you haven't been there for me. In fact, I feel like lately you've been giving me suburban hair. I'm not saying that you're doing it intentionally, but just that your usual effort isn't there.

I will never forget how you rescued me from my last hairdresser. It was so dysfunctional, the way that she would ask me what I wanted and then just do whatever the hell she wanted to do. I would say "I'd like to go a little warmer with my color," and she'd say "you mean cooler?" and I'd say "no, warmer." And then I'd leave with black hair, looking like an old, pathetic Goth. Do you remember that when I called you for the first time, desperate for some color correction, you got me in that day?

No doubt about it, we had some good times. Have I ever told you that most people think that my fake color is my real color? Yes, you are fantastic with the color. I'm afraid that I'll have to go through many colorists to find one as skilled as you, and this gives me much anxiety. However, I know in my heart that our relationship has run its course. It's been a great 3 years, but we both need to move on.

I wish you all the best in your future hair endeavors and I promise I will not talk shit about you to my new person.



Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I may never get off the couch again

Everyone has totally already scooped me on this, but I thought you needed to hear it from me too. According to everyone in the whole gd world, Bravo is bringing back Real Housewives of Orange County for a fourth season, Real Housewives of NYC for a second season and there will be a new Housewives series set in New Jersey.* !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also coming back: Flipping Out 2 (woo hoo!), Project Runway 5 (before it moves to Lifetime) and Tim Gunn's Guide to Style 2 (before he moves to Lifetime too, and Tim, please tell me that you've ditched Veronica Webb). Project Runway 5 will premiere in July, but no word on when the others are going to air.

New shows include that awful Date my Ex, featuring poseurs Jo and Slade from Real Housewives of Orange County and a Rachel Zoe reality show.

Stockpile your food, clear your schedules--or better yet--quit your job, because there's a whole lotta tv watchin' to do!

*Someone tried desperately to tip me off to this in the comments of the Real Housewives NYC finale post, but I thought it was a joke--a hilarious joke. I mean, really! The accents! I may be forced to watch this show through closed captioning.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

"Why are you plugging it in? What era are you in?"

This was Bethenny's question to the camera after Alex said "just plug it in and go!" in regard to vibrators. Why were they talking about vibrators? Because Alex thinks that it's an appropriate topic for mixed company. Totally! That's my favorite topic when out with married men. I agree with Bethenny on the "what era are you in" business, although funny she should mention it because I just saw that episode of Sex and the City where Samantha replaces her Sharper Image vibrator/neck massager which was in fact a plug-in. Maybe that's where Alex is getting her info. I'm actually surprised she didn't blurt out that Simon keeps her so satisfied "down under" that she has no need for a vibrator. Jesus.

Forgive me for rattling on--I'm like a school girl in love! That DVR is one sexy mofo. I am totally going to kiss it goodnight. If only it vibrated . . . (kidding! kind of.)

Back to the finale of Real Housewives of New York City.

1. Ramoner, or shall I say "Rameaner," Jill's name for your rude alter ego? Actually it's not an alter ego, it's more of an all-of-the-time personality trait. At first I thought you were just clueless as to how much you offend others, but now I think that you know how much you offend others yet you just can't help yourself. You were so red in the face and flustered when talking to the camera trying to defend your shitty behavior with lame cliches. So transparent!

Shall we talk about your "Barbie dress" (thanks for the apt description, Avery) for the holiday party? HOOKER. Not only hooker, but CHEAP HOOKER. You claimed that you were (over an hour) late to Jill's party because you were getting your hair and make-up done. Honey, your hair and make-up looked exactly the same as they always do, and watching you flail around trying to convince Bobby and Simon that you were totally justified was painful. More painful than watching Bethenny receive lingerie from her dad's friend. More on that later.

Even Mario's all "bitch, please!"

Oh, I almost forgot how you were ready to throw down with Francois and Johan! Granted, a 4 year old and a 1 year old shouldn't have been at Jill's fancy party, but they were invited. You don't need to make yourself sound more cuckoo by trying your best to humiliate them and then telling Bethenny how Avery wasn't allowed to touch the mothereffing couch when she was little. And then you were beating on Simon again for the girls' night infraction. SHUT UP, already!

All I want you to do is own it, Ramoner; I just want you to say "I was terribly rude and I am so sorry." Then shut up some more.

One last thing on Ramoner--wasn't most of that plastic surgery scene also shown in the first episode? What's Bravo trying to pull?

2. Lu Ann
. Hey! I was wondering, could you be any more condescending?

No? That's what I thought. Saying "part of being a Countess . . . " a couple of times to the camera and then "it really feels good to help you" to a recovering addict/homeless person is just patronizing and douchey. Also, I didn't think your interview coaching was all that hot, probably because oh, I don't know, you've never interviewed anyone for a job? I'll bet you didn't even interview Rosanna--the agency just sent her over.

Good luck with your manners and etiquette book. Be sure to send a signed copy to Ramoner, and please include a chapter on how to hide your rage when Jill forgets to put "Countess" on your place card at dinner.

3. Jill. Girl, you were abused in this episode! After you were nice enough to go with Bethenny to the racetrack, she threatens to "take a [bleeping] skewer to your eyes" at her birthday dinner when you ask (repeatedly) about her presents. That was AWKWARD, huh?

You seem like a good friend, Jill, and that's an admirable quality. I also appreciated how you were not fakey to Ramoner when she showed up so late to your party. Ramoner admitted that you scare her! Awesome! By the way, can I tell you how funny I thought it was when you told Ally that your first job was at a Chinese take-out place? Oh God, I can just hear your accented voice repeating Chinese food orders back to someone! Where's Bethenny? I bet she'd do a slightly cruel yet hilarious imitation of this.

4. Bethenny. Ease up on Jill! You two have this mother-daughter bickering thing going on. Sometimes it is amusing and other times, you just go a little too far. I hope that at some point you bent over backwards apologizing to her. She sat with you politely when your dad's pervy friend gave you lingerie! That is a good friend, Bethenny.

I will beseech you one last time--stay in therapy. I thought that the racetrack was symbolic of your neglected childhood? Why go there on your birthday? With your dad's cronies? It was weird.

On a lighter note, you are the soundbite queen, and you have been consistent all season with biting retorts. Thank you.

I leave you with a picture of what Jason would look like with hair (not that he should go that route, because I think he looks great the way he is).

5. Alex. You know, I actually have mostly good things to say about you this week. You still baffle me with your inability to see the value of a girls' night (not to mention your remark about the plug-in vibrator), but I thought that Simon and you handled horrid Ramona most gracefully. I probably wouldn't have brought my small children to the fancy dinner, because you know, young kids love to scream and stuff. They also apparently love to stab the food of strangers, but to be honest, I think there was some screwy editing there. Surely Alex and Simon wouldn't let Franc masticate that burger while they looked on lovingly? If it was so offensive, why didn't Jason or B snatch his hand and say "chill out, little guy" in French or Latin?

I can't believe I'm saying this, but that Francois looked totally adorable in his little hipster suit he wore to the child psychologist for his school evaluation.

Does anyone else LOVE the Bravo people who both covertly and overtly make fun of the cast? For instance, when they did that epilogue at the end and mentioned the Countess' "Swiss lice" and Francois' learning how to say "there's an iguana in my shoe" in German, French, Latin and Italian? Thank you, Bravo.

That about wraps it up. Reunion next week and it promises to be a juicy one with one of the cast members storming off the set!

Now accepting hearty congratulations

because I done got myself a dvr, bitches! My already outstanding tv watching skills will be taken to new heights (as will my cable bill). I AM SO EXCITED!

Monday, April 14, 2008


"Cheers to you for getting my ass fired!"

Sharp-eyed reader Virginia* emailed me with two little juicy tidbits of information concerning The Real Housewives of New York City.

1. The New York Post is reporting that Jason was fired from his Wall Street job at Patriarch Partners, LLC, for his participation in the show. Oh shit! You know his baby mama is not pleased. A lawyer from Patriarch Partners had this to say:
"I'm suggesting that one of the reasons for his absences in the office was because he was filming a tawdry show," said Hillary Richard, a lawyer representing the company. "They found out he was on the show when promos ran. He's on a show and never mentioned it. Any other company would have fired him on the spot. He also was not performing or bringing in new deal flow."
I love the word tawdry! And I love that cover-your-ass statement at the end. So what's Jason doing about getting the ax? He's doing exactly what any red-blooded American would do, he's suing them for $55 MILLION!

Honestly, if I were a rich old coot (I'm picturing Bunny MacDougal), I wouldn't want to see my money manager on a show like this, but then again I might turn a blind eye if he was making me a lot of money. What do you think? Read the whole article here (you'll also get a little extra scoop on Avery).

2. No shocker here--according to Conde Nast's, Bethenny agreed to be on the show in the first place because it was free advertising. The interesting part is that the cast members who did not already have a "brand" are required to turn over to producers a percentage of what they earn as a result of being on the show. For example, if Alex comes out with a line of Cavalli-inspired t-shirts that say "ask me about my tawdry nude photos on the internet," then she would be obligated to give Bravo part of her proceeds. Oooh, I would like to take a peek at the contract that the cast signs.

Remember that the finale of RHNYC is tomorrow. Previews show that Ramona is stirring up more trouble and that Francois is tested to confirm that he is the most gifted child in the history of the world. Should be a good one!

*Super-sleuth Virginia does not have a blog, but her better half works at blurb, which is SUCH a cool site. It allows you to make your own hardcover book of anything--recipes, essays, photos, reality tv memorablilia . . . . Check it out.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Note to Ashton Kutcher: STOP IT

I was never a fan of Ashton Kutcher's Punk'd. It makes me squirm to see other people squirm, even if those people are celebutards. But I understood the concept--members of young Hollywood playing extravagant jokes on one other, ha ha, I get it.

Have you seen Ashton's new show on E! ? Man, that's awkward to punctuate, but I'm talking about Pop Fiction. It is described as "a prank show targeting paparazzi and gullible media outlets." Right. "Gullible media outlets" is code for you and me and Michael Kors and anyone else who has ever enjoyed an occasional Us Weekly.

The pranks on the show vary, but there is always a scene showing the celebrity help plot the ruse, and talking about how funny it's going to be and how stupid the paparazzi is. I'm not going to defend the paparazzi because they do seem to be a bunch of lowlifes, but they are in the that field because it's profitable. They sell their photos for big bucks because we (I) want to see them.

Remember Paris and the shaman? Yeah I fell for it. Very funny. I can't stop laughing. Too bad that after that, everyone caught on to the lame jokes, such as Audrina from The Hills getting a ridiculous tattoo, Mario Lopez giving Eva Longoria a super-expensive Cartier necklace, and now apparently Kathy Griffin hanging out with Britney's Adnan. I'M OVER IT, Ashton. Stop fucking with my news! While you and your pals are having a great time, you're not fooling anyone and my people and I are having to weed out all this crap. I just want my straight celeb gossip; is that too much to ask?

While I'm at it: to all of the celebrities who participate in this show and whine about being swarmed by photographers, BOO HOO. If you are that upset by all of it, then take your money, move to Nebraska and practice your "craft" in community theater. OR, here's a concept: be discreet. You can't strut down Robertson Blvd and then complain about the attention you attract (Lindsay Lohan, I'm talking to you, young lady!). If you don't like either of these choices, then stop complaining because you clearly relish it on some level, just like Spencer and Heidi.

I'm serious, Ashton. I know your wife is racking up the bills at her plastic surgeon's office, but there are better ways to make money. Actually--do you have a camera? Because you could make some crazy money selling pictures of her bleaching her mustache and clipping her toenails. Think about it.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

A lengthy, yet ultimately meaningless, explanation

Photo of Alex and Simon from They must be so thrilled!

In Touch Magazine will apparently be publishing nude photos of our favorite wannabe Alex McCord. Here's how she explains the situation in her blog:

Finally, it looks as of the time I’m writing this blog that there will be a story running in In Touch Weekly this week about photos I shot a few years ago. I’d wound up back into modeling a little bit - on the maternity end mostly - both during and in between pregnancies. It’s a time of huge change for any woman, and I wondered what my body would look like after the first, and then the second child. After both pregnancies I was very happy (and surprised) to get my shape back almost immediately.

Having been back in the modeling world at the time, shooting photos is a very normal thing to do, and I wanted to celebrate getting back into shape and also document the changes in my body. I wanted to make sure I had photos of the slightly loose belly, the linea nigra, the lush hair and of course the extra up on top. I did several photo shoots with photographers I knew through modeling, and am pleased with all of them. I particularly like the photos done with Jim DeMaria, a great photographer who is also a dad. We’d done several fashion shoots together, he understood this idea and ran with it to create a great set of photos.

While I never thought they’d be published anywhere, I was made aware that this was happening last Friday when In Touch called me to say they had them. They asked me for a comment and I said more or less what I’m saying here. You can see them in the magazine this week, and Jim has a few on his website as well. Celebrate the power of womanhood!

God, loose bellies are SO BEAUTIFUL! I know every new mother feels that way and I totally regret not having pictures of mine. Wait! I still have my loose belly. Gotta get that photographed before it disappears. When Alex states that she wanted to make sure she had shots of her "lush hair and of course the extra up on top," am I the only one that had to read that twice? My first reaction was, wow, I didn't know pregnancy gave you lush pubic hair.

Anyhow, in this salute to womanhood, she failed to mention the OTHER nude pictures, the one where she was trying out for Playboy. Gawker busts her, in a very satisfying manner, right here.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

"You're never home for taco night!"

Such a small part of the show, but 10 year old Noel saying this to the Countess just made me smile. I love the fact that this Upper East Side family has taco night! Well, for the children and the nanny. Poor Noel, when he's not breakdancing, he's wearing his white polo shirt, clutching his dog and begging to go out with his mom. Noel, would you care to join my family for hot dog night sometime? I will not only prepare the meal, but I will even eat it with you. Consider it a standing invitation.

On with the recap/commentary!

1. Alex. Oh dear. My scorn for you has been replaced by pity. Preparing for opening night at the Met like it was your first day of junior high; speed-walking to the red carpet festivities in your formal-wear because the limo wasn't going to get there fast enough, and then being totally ignored by the paparazzi. Oh, and Simon's shiny gold cummerbund, hanky, bow-tie--yowza. You both reeked of "please don't let us look like losers on national tv," but really, it was unavoidable:

Alex, you know how I love when you explain "the plan" and the plan that night was "to to meet new people and see what happens." Come again? You sound like you're looking for swingers action (which wouldn't surprise me one bit, actually). Unfortunately, you didn't get to
"meet new people" but you did "make eye contact with a couple of people." WTF? What does that mean?!

I won't even mention the painful French restaurant scene, or Francois' birthday party in your torn-up home. I will, however, ask you this: since when does cocktail attire mean micro-mini? You know I'm talking about the cooking party at Jill's! It was completely rude of Ramoner to rip into you for bringing Simon, but WHY DID YOU BRING SIMON? That's creepy. Let's face it, Simon's creepy. And your smug little comeback, spoken to the Countess, "not everyone has a great marriage." Oh, Ramoner is going to fucking LOSE IT when she sees that on tv.

2. Ramoner. Such an awful display of manners by you. I think that your work is not done with your therapist, and you should probably focus on "letting go" and "shutting up." Jesus, woman! And then you have the nerve to instruct people on class and etiquette during dinner. I loved how you kept saying "class is an ambiance" over and over. What? To top off your evening of horrendous behavior, you just up and left the party. Nice.

It came out later in a private conversation with Bethenny that you have some issues with "codependent relationships" and that you perceive Alex and Simon to have such a relationship. Again, I say stick with the therapy, or else avoid Alex and Simon altogether (not a bad idea).

Ramoner, I have one last thing to say to you. Please listen, as it is very important. The crazy dancing in public must stop. Bust your moves in front of the mirror at home, but not in public and certainly not in front of a camera crew. I shudder to think of teasing Avery will endure tomorrow.

3. Bethenny. Both you and Jill seem like straight-shooters. You seem a little sharper than Jill, so you have my allegiance for now. However, Megan at Beach Bungalow 8 so called it when she made the following comment after last week's episode:
why do i feel we're going to find out that not only do you have an eating disorder but a tad of a drinking thing going on. please don't stop seeing your therapist it's too early. i know girls like you. one grape to two hours on the stationary bike, followed by 4 lychee martinis should do it.
Ah yes! Twas revealed tonight that the "skinny girl martini" is Bethenny's drink of choice. I don't even remember what's in it, but I got the impression that it's a substitute for food. Watch yourself, B. I must say, though, that I got a good chuckle out of your reaction to Alex's home, which you described as an unacknowledged state of grossness (basically. I wasn't taking notes on this part).

4. Countess. THE COUNT IS ON HIS 4TH MARRIAGE?! At least you had the dignity to look a leetle bit embarrassed by this. I didn't mind your etiquette lessons in this episode because, quite frankly, lessons were in order (not so much on the Bethenny front, but it's clear Ramoner is a manners retard). One more thing: would you please try to eat a taco with your kid before the year is up? Thanks.

5. Jill! I always save you for last, after I have run out of steam, and I don't do you justice. I'm going to make an attempt tonight. Your sister's luncheon--what's your educational background? Because it is painfully obvious that you are intimidated by smart people. Let it go! You may not have the brain power, but you really do have loads of personality and charm (when your DOG ISN'T ALL UP IN YOUR NOSE). You know, I think my issue with you is that you are so Long Island and I am so Denver. You mother! Your sister! "Lunch with Lisa!" The accents! Your sister's hair! It's like a skit for Saturday Night Live.

We are oil and water, Jill. I do not understand you, but I like you. I loved the look you shot to (can't remember who it was) when Ramoner was trying to describe class at dinner. It was an excellent "can you BELIEVE this shit?!" look, and it truly captured the moment.

Also, Jill--when you are hosting the party in name only (i.e. you didn't cook, clean, set the table or serve), there is no need to be so nervous. Your guest list was what screwed you this time. For your next get-together, I suggest you invite just the Countess and Bethenny and order some Chinese food. Dessert can be some raw slice-and-bake cookies. Bethenny won't eat anything so there will be plenty of leftovers for Ginger and you the next day. Just a little girls' night tip from SGM.

One more thing, did anyone else notice that Jill did not have an undermount sink in her kitchen? I'm not trying to nit-pick her, but I was surprised. If you're going to have the uber-fancy apartment and the updated kitchen with the granite countertops, then undermount the sink, yo.

Let's hear it!

The opposite of "Yum-o"

Someone needs to fire her stylist asap.

The Winner of the March Madness Pool!

The Supreme High Roller of 2008 is . . . my husband, Frank. If I could insert some sort of an anti-climatic "wah wah wah waaaah" sound clip, I would. I have had two totally objective contests on this blog and he has won them both. He won the first one by default* and this one, well, he wasn't even that interested. The man sat down for a good 45 minutes, filling out his bracket--for another pool--and only entered mine 1) as a favor to me and 2) because he thought we would be easy pickins. AND HE WINS THE WHOLE GD THING! So congratulations goes out to Frank. Whatever.

2nd Place: Amanda at Sucker for Marketing

3rd Place: Jessie at The Lucky Stone

Thank so much to all who played and congratulations to the Kansas Jayhawks! It was a championship game for the ages!

For the 2 Jayhawk fans out there who read this blog, come back later for more on the tourney and the victory.

*Although he was later disqualified.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Speaking of the Kardashian-Jenners...

Have you seen the blog Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians? Because Bruce Jenner is the most convincing man who looks like an old lesbian:

It's kind of like a weird optical illusion. Who knew you could make a whole blog out of this? (that's totally a Kardashian girl behind him, right?)

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Concerning tv

1. I am calling it now: Daisy is going to win Rock of Love 2. While I like the other contender, Ambre, she's more suited to being my insurance agent than being Bret Michael's babe. She's trying--I'll give her that--but am I the only one who is totally uncomfortable seeing her in a belly shirt and two-tone hair? Dude, that's like seeing ME in a belly shirt and two-tone hair, and that's just wrong. If you want to see more of Ambre trying to be someone she isn't, check out her topless photo (she's covering her boobs with her arms) on her myspace. Yikes.

On a related note, I am hoping that my daughter (now age 3) will not audition for Rock of Love 19.

2. Did anyone catch the Kardashian's E! True Hollywood Story? My husband shamed me out of watching it.

3. I have no intention of watching former "Bachelor" Bob Guiney's new show on TLC. Just so you know.

4. Do you read Gawker's Real Housewives of NYC commentary? You should. Gawker states that someone tried to sell them nude photos of our dear Alex McCord Von Bad Teeth Kempen. There's only one reaction to that:

Friday, April 4, 2008


Read on to see what Socrates and SGM have in common

Paloma of La Dolce Vita tagged me, so this is me, A to Z.

A - Attached or single? Married.

B - Best friend? My husband, although sometimes he doubts that because I love love love my girlfriends.

C - Cake or pie? Both, sister! Duh.

D - Day of choice? Friday--the whole weekend is in front of me!

E - Essential item? Keeping it real: tv

F - Favorite color? Blue, all shades

G - Gummy bears or worms? Worms because it's fun to stretch them out.

H - Hometown? small-town Kansas

I - Favorite indulgence? molten chocolate cake and reality tv. Combine them and I would probably die.

J - January or July? July--so many people I love were born in July. Plus, I love warm weather much more than cold.

K - Kids? A son age 6 and a daughter age 3.

L - Life isn't complete without? Paloma said this too: good food and good friends.

M - Marriage date? July 18, 1998

N - Number of brothers and sisters? I have a bro and sister who are twins, two years younger than I.

O - Oranges or apples? Apples.

P - Phobia and fears? spiders and being outside in the cold without a coat.

Q - Quote? Shake it like a polaroid picture (not really, but it's the only one I can come up with)

R - Reason to smile? Oh God--everything! I am one of those people who smiles all the gd time and that's why I have major laugh lines.

S - Season of choice? Spring--nothing better than stepping outside to the scent of lilacs.

T - Tag three people: Mamaciter (because I know she secretly loves this shit), JJ (because she needs to update her blog) and Sucker for Marketing (because she's just getting her little blogging feet wet).

U - Unknown fact about me? I was a philosophy major in college. 'Cause I'm deep, you know?

V - Vegetable? French fries.

W - Worst habit? Spending money on useless crap.

X - X-ray or ultrasound? Ultrasound. Never broken a bone, but I've had two babies.

Y - Your favorite food? Sushi and fried chicken. Not at the same time, but now that I think about it, that would actually be just fine.

Z - Zodiac sign? Taurus.

P.S. Gin tagged me for listing 7 weird/random things, so if you want to know EVEN MORE about me, here it is.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

a vacation idea and a somewhat unrelated story about my junior prom

My friend Richele over at Richie Design was telling me about her friend David's Palm Springs house that was featured on Apartment Therapy, and she asked if I would write about it in order to get the word out that it's for rent.

It kind of put me in an awkward position. Who's really that into warm weather, mountains, palm trees and luxe digs? I mean, it's snowing in Denver right now, and that's what I love: freezing cold weather in the spring. Why would anyone want to sit out in the warm sunshine by a pool when she could be bundled up enjoying gray skies and bone-chilling wind?

I understand, however, that some of you might be into warmth and beauty and excellent shopping. You're probably the same people who like to take vacations and have fun. Whatever. If you like that sort of thing, email, put "Blogger Discount" in your heading, and he'll give you a special deal as well as set you up with a super-chic place to spend a girls' weekend or any other type of fab [insert British accent] holiday.

To see more of the lovely house pictured above and get some details, visit

[Okay, okay, truth be told, I LOVE Palm Springs. I went there for spring break with my family when I was 16. My mom and I spent much of that time shopping for a dress for my junior prom and because I was awful and teenager-y, I rejected anything that she liked even though she pretty much has excellent taste. I ended up insisting upon a blah strapless dress on the last day and it was altered there in Palm Springs. I'm sure I tried it on when it arrived at my house, but the only thing I remember is putting the dress on about 10 minutes before my date arrived and the following conversation occurred:

SGM: I feel like it's going to fall down!

Mom: It's not going to fall down; it fits perfectly. Here, put your arms straight up in the air and you'll see. It will stay up.

SGM lifts her arms halfway up and the dress slides down to her waist, exposing flat teenager boobs.

Mom: Oh.

Doorbell rings. SGM spends the rest of the night hunched over with her arms clamped to her side. So yeah. It's difficult to slow dance to Richard Marx when you can't move your arms away from your body.]

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

"I want Ginger to die. Honestly, I do"

Quote of the week comes from Ally, talking about Jill's ill-behaved dog, Ginger. Guess what? I can't say that I blame her. If you didn't see Ginger straining her tongue to lick inside Jill's nostril for what seemed to be at least 10 seconds, well then let me give you the honor:

And Jill's comments--something along the lines of "we can't let them know that you do this"--makes me think that this is not the first time this has happened. Are boogers protein? Because the dog trainer specifically said that you shouldn't be feeding her so much protein, Jill. Weren't you listening?

Sorry, in addition to grossing all of you out, I'm getting ahead of myself. I was up last night with a sick kid and now I'm not feeling so hot myself, so this Real Housewives of NYC recap will be short and sweet.

1. Ramoner. Tank top with buckles + mini-skirt + high heeled boots = hooker. Ramoner, Avery's friends are not your friends. I know that you're trying to be the cool mom and all, but you're definitely treading into Dina Lohan territory, and I don't think you want a little Lindsay on your hands. Do I need to sit you down in front of some Dr. Phil so that you can learn that the goal is not to be your daughter's best friend but her parent?

What's the name of your family business again? I can't remember. You should really push it more.

Nice to see Avery loosen up a bit in this episode. I think she's darling. Habitually Chic mentioned that she'd be up for adopting Avery, and I would totally support that. The courts might too after seeing this episode. Also, and I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I found Mario somewhat attractive in this episode. Help me.

2. Bethenny. TOO MUCH BETHENNY on this show. She talks and talks and talks like she is the only person in the world who has ever had a break-up. Shut up, already! What a fabulous body she has though. Holy smokes. Are those implants? I'd have to vote yes, simply because no one that skinny has boobs that big. One more thing--Bethenny's face is driving me nuts. The freakish shape of her jaw just distracts me, as does the never ending crazy jibber-jabbering.

3. Jill. Already covered you. If you get that nostril-licking dog under control (or at least away from the cameras), I just might start to like you.

4. Alex. I know we're all thinking this: how much did Simon spend on the birthday party? And how on earth did he convince all of those people to come? Muy interesante that Alex's party was on a boat, thrown by a man named Simon who gave her some expensive jewelry. Gosh, why does that sound so familiar?

5. Countess. I know I've said it before, but your children are gorgeous. Bratty? Yes, but still gorgeous. Thought Noel's breakdancing was pretty cute. I wonder what his teacher Cyclone thinks about teaching rich white kids how to breakdance. Cyclone, are you out there? SGM wants an interview.

Please fill in the gaps for me, my dears.

Inside the mind of a Lucky staffer

"Okay, WHY did they pick me today?! Is this some sort of joke? Isn't it obvious that I woke up late and still drunk? HELLO, I put a belt around my neck. Thank God my little sister left her jean skirt at my apartment or else I'd be wearing the jeans I wore last night, and that has Jaeger all over it. Fuck! Last night my hair looked like Whitney Port's but now it just looks flat and reeks of smoke. I feel like I'm going to throw up . . . oh, God, maybe if I put my arm in front of my stomach I won't barf in front of my boss. No! I will not smile. The only thing you're getting is my bitchface because I am NOT amused. Are you finished yet? Good. I'll be in the bathroom."

Lucky's Cute Outfit of the Day