Tuesday, April 8, 2008

"You're never home for taco night!"

Such a small part of the show, but 10 year old Noel saying this to the Countess just made me smile. I love the fact that this Upper East Side family has taco night! Well, for the children and the nanny. Poor Noel, when he's not breakdancing, he's wearing his white polo shirt, clutching his dog and begging to go out with his mom. Noel, would you care to join my family for hot dog night sometime? I will not only prepare the meal, but I will even eat it with you. Consider it a standing invitation.

On with the recap/commentary!

1. Alex. Oh dear. My scorn for you has been replaced by pity. Preparing for opening night at the Met like it was your first day of junior high; speed-walking to the red carpet festivities in your formal-wear because the limo wasn't going to get there fast enough, and then being totally ignored by the paparazzi. Oh, and Simon's shiny gold cummerbund, hanky, bow-tie--yowza. You both reeked of "please don't let us look like losers on national tv," but really, it was unavoidable:

Alex, you know how I love when you explain "the plan" and the plan that night was "to to meet new people and see what happens." Come again? You sound like you're looking for swingers action (which wouldn't surprise me one bit, actually). Unfortunately, you didn't get to
"meet new people" but you did "make eye contact with a couple of people." WTF? What does that mean?!

I won't even mention the painful French restaurant scene, or Francois' birthday party in your torn-up home. I will, however, ask you this: since when does cocktail attire mean micro-mini? You know I'm talking about the cooking party at Jill's! It was completely rude of Ramoner to rip into you for bringing Simon, but WHY DID YOU BRING SIMON? That's creepy. Let's face it, Simon's creepy. And your smug little comeback, spoken to the Countess, "not everyone has a great marriage." Oh, Ramoner is going to fucking LOSE IT when she sees that on tv.

2. Ramoner. Such an awful display of manners by you. I think that your work is not done with your therapist, and you should probably focus on "letting go" and "shutting up." Jesus, woman! And then you have the nerve to instruct people on class and etiquette during dinner. I loved how you kept saying "class is an ambiance" over and over. What? To top off your evening of horrendous behavior, you just up and left the party. Nice.

It came out later in a private conversation with Bethenny that you have some issues with "codependent relationships" and that you perceive Alex and Simon to have such a relationship. Again, I say stick with the therapy, or else avoid Alex and Simon altogether (not a bad idea).

Ramoner, I have one last thing to say to you. Please listen, as it is very important. The crazy dancing in public must stop. Bust your moves in front of the mirror at home, but not in public and certainly not in front of a camera crew. I shudder to think of teasing Avery will endure tomorrow.

3. Bethenny. Both you and Jill seem like straight-shooters. You seem a little sharper than Jill, so you have my allegiance for now. However, Megan at Beach Bungalow 8 so called it when she made the following comment after last week's episode:
why do i feel we're going to find out that not only do you have an eating disorder but a tad of a drinking thing going on. please don't stop seeing your therapist it's too early. i know girls like you. one grape to two hours on the stationary bike, followed by 4 lychee martinis should do it.
Ah yes! Twas revealed tonight that the "skinny girl martini" is Bethenny's drink of choice. I don't even remember what's in it, but I got the impression that it's a substitute for food. Watch yourself, B. I must say, though, that I got a good chuckle out of your reaction to Alex's home, which you described as an unacknowledged state of grossness (basically. I wasn't taking notes on this part).

4. Countess. THE COUNT IS ON HIS 4TH MARRIAGE?! At least you had the dignity to look a leetle bit embarrassed by this. I didn't mind your etiquette lessons in this episode because, quite frankly, lessons were in order (not so much on the Bethenny front, but it's clear Ramoner is a manners retard). One more thing: would you please try to eat a taco with your kid before the year is up? Thanks.

5. Jill! I always save you for last, after I have run out of steam, and I don't do you justice. I'm going to make an attempt tonight. Your sister's luncheon--what's your educational background? Because it is painfully obvious that you are intimidated by smart people. Let it go! You may not have the brain power, but you really do have loads of personality and charm (when your DOG ISN'T ALL UP IN YOUR NOSE). You know, I think my issue with you is that you are so Long Island and I am so Denver. You mother! Your sister! "Lunch with Lisa!" The accents! Your sister's hair! It's like a skit for Saturday Night Live.

We are oil and water, Jill. I do not understand you, but I like you. I loved the look you shot to (can't remember who it was) when Ramoner was trying to describe class at dinner. It was an excellent "can you BELIEVE this shit?!" look, and it truly captured the moment.

Also, Jill--when you are hosting the party in name only (i.e. you didn't cook, clean, set the table or serve), there is no need to be so nervous. Your guest list was what screwed you this time. For your next get-together, I suggest you invite just the Countess and Bethenny and order some Chinese food. Dessert can be some raw slice-and-bake cookies. Bethenny won't eat anything so there will be plenty of leftovers for Ginger and you the next day. Just a little girls' night tip from SGM.

One more thing, did anyone else notice that Jill did not have an undermount sink in her kitchen? I'm not trying to nit-pick her, but I was surprised. If you're going to have the uber-fancy apartment and the updated kitchen with the granite countertops, then undermount the sink, yo.

Let's hear it!


Abby said...

ahhhhhh you are so on point!
I too feel a sense of pity for Alex. Every scene made me cringe, especially the look of their home...I loved Bethenny's reaction, because it is so freakin honest. Maybe if they didn't take off season trips to St. Barts and spend 5-6 figures on dresses to go to the Met they have floors and buy a can of paint. Did anyone notice the futon Bethenny and Alex were leaning against because there was no seating in her home? EEK!The icing on the cake was when Alex was photographed in the style pages. It was a great shot of the TRAIN of the dress.
Ramoner...seriously? I am lost for words with her reaction at the party and the spastic dancing at the club and all her male issues....insane.
Bethenny is the voice of truth on this show and thank god for it. I just can't believe next week is the season finale! I am totally hooked and I want more!

Mint Julep said...

Honestly, SGM, I would WAY rather read your recap than watch the show. It's tons more entertaining, and I don't have to cringe every time Alex and Simon open their mouths.

Sarah's Fab Day said...

I have to be honest, I couldn't watch the whole thing because I knew the girl's night dinner was going to be torture. Thank you for the recap I can now watch the rest of the show without completely covering my eyes.

On another note my husband was like, "I can't believe you watch this shit, you would think with all of the money these people have they would be just a little gracious." I thought - Wow that pretty much sums it up. He just doesn't understand the allure of watching this craptastic TV, too bad for him!

Anonymous said...

1) Mario and Ramoner clearly make millions selling religious jewelry, yet not once have they mentioned any kind of role that faith plays in their lives, and we've never seen them go to church or Avery mention confirmation class;
2) When her sister asked her how she wound up on the society pages, would it have been that hard for Jill to say, "I married a rich guy". We've only seen her at her husband's store once, and that was to lay against some fabric to match it to her hair. Her "success" has less to do with her business sense than her ability to sleep with a repulsive-looking rich guy.
3)Does anyone else think that the Count probably has another family tucked away in France somewhere? Anyone doubt that LuAnn stole him while he was still married to the last Countess? Countess, Bethanny was right, GET OVER YOURSELF!
4) Alex...stop buying evening gowns that you can only wear once and fix your house and buy some furniture!

Brilliant Asylum said...

Wow. This episode was jammed packed with embarrasing moments. SGM, once again you have summed it all up with class and ambience.

I let out a disapointed wail when I heard the announcer say next week was the season finale. WTF, Bravo? We were just getting started!

muranogirl said...

SGM you totally nailed it as usual! You caught every sweet nuance that makes up these narcissistic, insecure, rude, lovable people.
Bethenny really cracked me up at every turn. She says what we're all thinking but are afraid to say. The comment about poor Alex's home -- can't believe she said that to her face! When Ramoner abruptly left the dinner party, there was Bethenny with snaps, bobbing head and all, "No she dinnent" just leave the dinner party for a club.
Poor Alex. I pitty her too.
LuAnn - get over yourself -- you'll never see that driver AGAIN. WTF, who cares!

Richie Designs said...

omg the eating disorder thing...thank god someone else said it.

never trust a skinny chef/cook. something is amiss there.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Did no one else notice before the train wreck with Francois at the french restaraunt, that the boys were BOTH wearing beret's?! Way to make them actually look French Alex! You fooled em!

Bethenney is starting to really bug. She just has no filter. How rude was she being to Jill with the micromanaging comment?!

Ramoner - I was BLOWN away by your behavior tonight. You should truly be ashamed of yourself. I was embarassed FOR you! Also, don't try to cover up with some other story later to Bethenney about how you "forgot" you made plans and had to leave at 9:30. You clearly called your friend in front of the others at the dinner party and asked if she wanted to go to a club downtown!!!

Luann - how fuckin rude of you to get on Bethenney's ass about introducing you to a driver...seriously? That was no classy.

Jill - you need to calm down!

Thanks for the recap SGM!

mamacita said...

No hating on Jill, Anonymous! She made at least some of her own money. And her husband isn't "repulsive," even if he isn't your cup of tea. He seems to really love her and wants to make her happy. In fact, I keep thinking he is amazingly tolerant of Jill's goofy friends.

And I so wish I could have been at the luncheon at Jill's sister's house! The accents alone would have kept me entertained all afternoon.

Ramoner: again I say, UP THE MEDS, SISTER.

I also thought the Countess was awfully concerned with her aristo-status, considering that she used to be the Italian Vanna White.

Jesus, Alex and Simon... How much of their goofiness do you think has been "encouraged" by the producers? That shit CANNOT be real.

I can't believe the show is almost over! I have enjoyed it so much more than the Housewives of OC. These ladies have so much more personality and spunk. And they go and do interesting things, instead of just driving around their neighborhood.

Michelle said...

Is Simon for real? Is he really the biggest douchebag in all of the land? And Ramona...Jesus Christ.
Another fabulous recap, SGM. I'll really miss these after the big finale next week.

zakary said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
zakary said...

I so don't love these gals like I love the ladies of the OC. (Minus Jo and the one with the really LONG cleavage.) Alex's house is seriously bad. Way bad. Jill needs her own show. Just Jill.

zakary said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Habitually Chic said...

I still cannot belive I watch this train wreck every week.

Ramona needs to cut back on the uppers and consider a Valium. Geez. Although, I will say she has great legs.

Jill does seem nice but a little insecure and now we know why since she admitted she was never popular in school. Why no matter how old we get can we never get over not being a cheerleader or prom queen people?!

Countess needs to get over herself in a big way. It's even worse manners to tell someone else that they have been rude or have bad manners. You're supposed to graciously ignore them not correct them. I love that she's The Count's fourth wife. With all the traveling he does, I wouldn't be surprised if he found himself a fifth sometime soon.

Poor Alex and Simon. I'm glad someone else noticed that they need to stop buying Cavalli and buy a real couch. Who the heck lives with futon and no floors. Hipters live in Brooklyn because they want to but it's obvious that these two live in Brooklyn because they can't afford Manhattan. Heck, it looks like they can barely afford Brooklyn. But, maybe I should give them a call since it looks like hey need an interior desinger...well, that or a wrecking ball.

Bethenny's voice and square jar annoy me but her comment that she was glad that she went to Alex's house and not Jill or the Countess was priceless.

Can't believe next week is the season final. I wonder if they'll manage to get them all together for a reunion show or if they aren't speaking to one another now that the show has aired. Can't wait to find out!

beachbungalow8 said...

not to be a total rhonyc know it all, but i knew that count had a 'history'.

i like luann.love that bar room baritone, brenda vicarro voice. but can someone please correct me if i'm wrong, didn't the french do away with titles after the revolution?? which makes me give a little alex 'bleh' whenever the term count or countess comes up. pretentious much?

TravelGretta said...

I love you so much. You watch even more TV than I do!!!

I can't not watch the Real Housewives. That whole scene with Ramona losing her shit made me curl up in the fetal position. SO uncomfortable!

SGM said...

Brilliant observations!

BB8, I will give you credit for the Count thing. And to all of you who think the Count has a lady on the side--most definitely.

To all of you who said that the Countess needs to get over herself. I agree. She said it wasn't an issue of superiority but it was. If it was about respect then she would call Rosanna Mrs. Whatever.

I do prefer the OC cast (minus Jo) over the NYC one. Both are entertaining to watch, but the OC ladies seem to be more up front about their problems.

I *Heart* You said...

finally watched it! OMG!!! Alex and Simon are insufferable! I love how despite the French Au Pair and the French vacations that little Frac will still not speak a lick of it back to them. Can we touch on the backyard from which they called Bethenny to invite her to the birthday party??? Crack houses have more manicured lawns. I guess Cavalli doesn't make gardening gloves. And their house! They totally present themselves as one thing when they are clearly another. I would imagine their credit card bills look like a phone book.

Jill- snooze. You and your gay husband bore me!!!!

Bethenny- we get it. You want to have a kid. Put some of your eggs on ice sister. You are a chef. How have you not thought about that yet?

Ramoner- clearly this was your episode and you owned it! I think my favorite thing about you is that you think that cocktail attire includes the boots that Julia Roberts wore in the opening scenes of Pretty Woman. And the dancing...it was almost as bad as your fake apology to Bethenny. You are nuts. And your daughter looks like a Jr. Tori Spelling. And your husband creeps me out.

The countess- Is she for reals? Mrs. Delesspes or whatever? please. I also love how she gets away with being super judgmental by saying things like "but we won't let it ruin our evening" which points out someone more bitchy than herself. She totally reminds me of the kind of friend you would talk shit about another person with and then she would go tell that person everything you said and then sit back and watch a cat fight and pretend to be all innocent.

Ok- i am done. this is the longest comment ever. xo

alcina said...

Great recap SGM! I don't know what I could say that others haven't already said. I think the general consensus is that Ramoner acted like a rude nut job. And Alex and Simon, I'm starting to feel sorry for them at this point. They just seem so desperate to be accepted into high society. Was it just me or did Alex look like she raided Wilma Flintstone's closet for opening night at the Met?

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