Tuesday, April 22, 2008

"GO BIG OR GO HOME"


The quote is from Bethenny, of course. Leave it up to the Real Housewives of New York City to keep it real--no sugar coating on this reunion show and it was beautiful! Let's get started with Ms. Crazypants herself!

1. Ramoner. You are so fucking crazy. Like, Danny Bonaduce and Janice Dickinson should come to you for crazy lessons because you could teach them a thing or two about being totally insane, not to mention contradictory and delusional. Holy shit, girl--one of the viewer questions to you was "what are you on?" I wish you would have answered because whatever it is, we all need to stay far, far away from it.


My very favorite part of tonight was when Alex was asked about her nude photos and Ramoner, you were so offended by Alex's photos that you indignantly stormed off of the set, but not before totally spreading your legs in your effort to get up from the sofa. This is the essence of you, Ramoner, and I'm thrilled it was captured so beautifully. Simon then drove the point home by saying that your disapproval was kind of hypocritical considering your penchant for dressing like a prostitute and grinding against strangers on the dance floor. Good one, my man.

My second favorite part was when the host asked if you cringed over anything in the show. You bring up the dinner party, another gathering in which you left abruptly and rudely with no plausible explanation. I must admit, I thought an apology was coming but NO, because that would be the act of rationality. You launched into a another set of excuses: 1) you had a family member who was very ill and you needed to be with girls (or something like that; I didn't quite understand the raving) and 2) you had told Jill in advance that you couldn't stay the whole time; a statement which was pretty much called a lie by Jill and Bethenny, who had heard the conversation. This was when you should have said a straight-up "I'm sorry" but again, that would be denying the crazy, and you don't want to do that. So, you dig yourself deeper by continuing to defend your atrocious manners, saying that Jill and Bethenny, the two nicest and most honest people on the show, conspired to set you up to look bad. When they try to defend themselves, you interrupt with something like "I'm trying to apologize [insert screaming, flailing and buggy eyes], why are you attacking me?!" Uh, what?

You're nuts. Entertaining, but nuts.

2. Bethenny and Jill. I'm lumping you two girls together because you both brought the funny and the tough questions tonight. Swear to God, the two of you have a future in investigative journalism or maybe even law enforcement.

Jill, my modern day Yenta, I really like you. It took me awhile, but I'm finally on Team Jill (but don't hold your breath on my t-shirt order). I still reserve the right to make fun of your website for its general cheesiness and especially for "Jill's coincidences," but overall I think you're all right. You're down-to-earth and clearly have a good heart. You're also not afraid to challenge people who start talking out of their asses.


You not only cut short Alex and Simon when they were trying to claim that they weren't social climbers (HA!), but you used the phrase "ripped him a new one" when confronting Ramoner about her treatment of Simon at tour infamous dinner party. I wish I could have seen the Countess' face on that one!

For the record, I forgive you for walking out of the Luca Luca show and applaud you for not punching Ramoner in the face when she was screaming (she's always screaming) about how you were lying about it.

Bethenny, darling! You didn't let anyone get away with any waffling or lame excuses tonight and I really appreciated that. I think you should host all reality show reunions in the future because you call people to the carpet, girl! You also owned everything you said to the camera and didn't back down from it. You called Alex pretentious and her actions gauche to her face. Yes! When Alex and Simon were trying to convince everyone that they were misrepresented on the high society front, you called bullshit on that. Simon said "I think you're misunderstanding . . ." and you say "no I'm not, I'm a pretty smart girl"--LOVED IT. Good luck to you with Jason and everything else, my friend. I wish the best for you.

3. Countess. My opinion of you has not changed. I still think you're incredibly condescending. Love how you deflected Rosanna's criticism of your parenting by saying she was referring to the Count. Is that what she eventually confessed to while you dangled her over the balcony of your Park Avenue townhome?


You mentioned tonight that so many people had come to you for advice about manners that you are in the process of writing a book on etiquette. Is it proper etiquette to correct someone's pronunciation of a word with a "could you be any more stupid" laugh? Maybe in the case of Ramoner it is, but I hope you don't do that to regular people. You might also want to make a note that ending a sentence with "darling" or "sweetheart" such as "that's just the way it is, sweetheart" is really not being kind or softening a blow. It's more of an obvious substitute for "you retard."

4. Alex. Oh, you were trying so hard to play it cool tonight! It was painful to watch you deny your social aspirations in light of your words and actions asserting the exact opposite throughout every single episode this season. Pretty much everyone on the set called you out on this, as they should have. It's clear that you realized how desperate you and Simon appeared and that you were trying for some damage control. Your explanations, when they didn't fall flat, just seemed full of . . . nothing. Just a lot of "blah blah blah."

In regard to your hovel of a home, I did think that everyone was kind of harsh. You are in the middle of a renovation. It's supposed to look like a hovel. The futon and cheap particle board furniture--now that's where the attack should have been focused. Total high five to the Countess, though, for saying "maybe you should spend less money on Cavalli and more on your house." Woo! I also wish you would have talked more about your Playboy audition photos. Jill and Bethenny were asking you some tough questions about your "down south Florida" pictures before Ramoner stole the spotlight. Damn Ramoner.

_____________________

On the OC reunion shows, everyone tries to make nice and defend each other. Not NYC! These bitches called each other out over and over with lots of shouting, and yet everyone seemed to still be friends at the end. Amazing.

Looking forward to Season 2, especially to see how Alex and Simon will manage to tone it down. See you then!

23 comments:

kelly said...

My God, I loved it! Great great great television. I want to be friends with Bethenny. Seriously. That girl has guts. I wish that I could be that straight forward. "I'm a pretty smart girl, I think I got it." So brilliant.

But, really? Are Ramona and Jill really friends? How can they be?

Can't wait for season 2!

Abby said...

thank you SGM! I haven't watched the reunion YET, but I now that I know it's definitely worth it I'm pretty excited. I knew Ramoner would make an arse of herself...poor Avery....

Susannah said...

As I watched the reunion show I was already looking forward to your recap. And it doesn't disappoint!
I think Ramona might be on Avery's ADD drugs or something. Not that Avery needs them, but she seems like the kind of mom who would get a prescription for her kid and then take them herself. Seriously--with eyes that crazy and hand gestures that out of sync, she HAS to be on something!

mamacita said...

Team Bethenny! I am appointing myself Team Captain.

You're right, I totally love them for arguing and letting the crazy out on the reunion show. OC reunion shows are sooo boring.

katiedid said...

I tuned in to the regular time and I got that sports training show with fake drama where the girls go on a lesbian cruise. I will have to watch the rerun. But your recap is priceless! Ha!

beachbungalow8 said...

countess:

it's "ALL i know", "not ALLS i know" "i just had to correct that"

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

OMG, I was having the best time of my life watching that train wreck last night!!!

Is it just me or did Bethenney look thinner and MUCH prettier???

Golightly said...

That was some good TV. I didn't like Bethenney at first but now, love love love. Go Team Jill. I just didn't get why Romona had to walk off couldn't she just sit there and not talk about it? Seriously-drama queen!

Anonymous said...

Bethanny did indeed look thinner. Judging from that and the crying, I doubt all is well with Jason. Poor thing. She needs to freeze her freaking eggs!!! What's her problem with that? I wish the camera had focused on her during the moderator's question of whether anyone had had plastic surgery. Skinny girls don't have racks like that! But I applaud her and Jill for not letting Ramoner and Alex not get away with their denial crap. Own it, ladies! You said the stupid things you said, deal with it and fess up. Looking forward to seeing the Countess in future Chico ads. Looks like she'll be missing more taco nights in the future.

Anonymous said...

sgm, during the reunion I wished we were real life girlfriends and I could call you and talk to you during commercials! I was suprised to see that the countess even did the reunion show. I thought she might have been too good for that.

jen said...

My hub and I think that Jill is the best, with Bethenny as a close second. We think Alex is skanky and Simon looks and acts like a 70's porn star. Cree-py. The countess is full of it (again. Her name is LU ANN, for god's sake) and RAMONA IS PSYCHO.

In other words, we agree totally we you, all-knowing SGM.

muranogirl said...

SGM, thanks as usual for a making my Wednesday morning!
Check yourself before you wreck yourself. They should all be warned!
I was a little worried that some of the ladies were fed up and might not return for a second season, but the finale set record ratings for Bravo last night.
Hello season 2!
Alex took a beating and still managed to stay composed! She must have been sedated before the show. Why couldn't she have at least shared a little with Ramoner?
Simon looks more and more like and 70's porn star. It was just plain weird having him there. Actually, Simon seemed better suited seated next to Andy Cohen- there could have at least been relevance for his presence: his coming out!

Brilliant Asylum said...

I want to be Alex and Simon's PR coach for one day. I would make them immediately pawn all the Cavalli, hire an architect and shave the moustache, And they should use phrases like "it's important to support the arts" instead of "we might be photographed with prominent people" when referring to social events. Duh.

Thumbs up on her hair and dress last night. Perhaps they did employ a stylist.

Fantastic recap as always SGM. I am going to miss this particular brand of weekly hilarity until next season.

Anonymous said...

OMG, this was a great re-cap! From living on both coasts, LA and Florida, East coast people, and I know I'm generalizing, but we tellz it like it IZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!! That's why RHONYC was sooo funny.

That's the difference between O.C.(d.) and N.Y.C., east coast is just real.

Countess: I read the comments on her blog, and I thought am I the only one that sees how condescending and self-absorbed she is and trying to relate by calling her a Condi Rice type? WHUT?

Beth: Girl, is so miserable and empty, she's on edge. She's got her great sense of humor though and that's what gets her through the day.


And Jill....LOVE HER! Still is re-living her high school of not being popular, should see a shrink to get over that, then she'll be F-I-E-R-C-E!

You rock, I am a new fan of your blog!

I'll be tuned in to read again!

jen said...

If you REALLY want to get grossed out by Alex, check out www.evilbeetgossip.film.com--the WEIRDEST nude shots ever. AND OF HER SOUTH FLORIDA. ICK. It was like the proverbial trainwreck--I had to look. Must lie down in dark room with cold cloth now.

mamacita said...

Jen's link didn't work for me, but this one did. Dear God, why couldn't I be blind?

And I TOTALLY think she took those pics in an attempt to get porn work.

SGM said...

OMG a thousand times over! What the hell was she thinking?! Jen and Mamacita, you win the super sleuth awards for the day.

Holy crap. My eyes! Francois' eyes when his friends show him this!

Love all of you and your right-on comments. What a show.

maison21 said...

so i don't have cable, and i've never even watched this show, but i've enjoyed every single one of your show recaps! i'm sure they are more interesting and fun than the real thing!

I *Heart* You said...

too much to talk about from this show. wow these bitches are crazy. but you know what annoys me most? is that they act like they made up the phrases "go big or go home" and "my gay husband." so annoying! when the host called jill a yenta i almost died.

Anonymous said...

ramona- fits in perfectly with my 11 yr old daughter's dramatic friends.
LuAnn- makes an art of speaking out of both sides of her mouth.
Jill- big mouth & big heart.
Bethenny- 1 word: brilliant
AlexMon- cheesy. but points for saying you were misunderstood...indicating a teeny bit of awareness

NANCY said...

Hysterical...So dead on!!!! Was just going to write something about this on my website theweekendgirlfriend.com but no need, you did a much better job! And for all your blog readers a coupon 30% off all costumes, lingerie and accessories. promo code: elements. Keep up the good work.

Sara said...

Did anyone see the Page 6 item today about Simon and Alex being spotted at Scores strip club in NYC recently? I agree with whoever said they need a new PR person stat. I'm thinking that little outing didn't do much for their "image".

SGM said...

Anon, I keep meaning to tell you that the Chicos comment puts a smile on my face everytime I think about it!

M21, that's pretty much the best compliment. Thanks!

Sara, do they think that the Scores outing will stop the hemorrhaging? Crazy.