Tuesday, April 15, 2008

"Why are you plugging it in? What era are you in?"

This was Bethenny's question to the camera after Alex said "just plug it in and go!" in regard to vibrators. Why were they talking about vibrators? Because Alex thinks that it's an appropriate topic for mixed company. Totally! That's my favorite topic when out with married men. I agree with Bethenny on the "what era are you in" business, although funny she should mention it because I just saw that episode of Sex and the City where Samantha replaces her Sharper Image vibrator/neck massager which was in fact a plug-in. Maybe that's where Alex is getting her info. I'm actually surprised she didn't blurt out that Simon keeps her so satisfied "down under" that she has no need for a vibrator. Jesus.

Forgive me for rattling on--I'm like a school girl in love! That DVR is one sexy mofo. I am totally going to kiss it goodnight. If only it vibrated . . . (kidding! kind of.)

Back to the finale of Real Housewives of New York City.

1. Ramoner, or shall I say "Rameaner," Jill's name for your rude alter ego? Actually it's not an alter ego, it's more of an all-of-the-time personality trait. At first I thought you were just clueless as to how much you offend others, but now I think that you know how much you offend others yet you just can't help yourself. You were so red in the face and flustered when talking to the camera trying to defend your shitty behavior with lame cliches. So transparent!

Shall we talk about your "Barbie dress" (thanks for the apt description, Avery) for the holiday party? HOOKER. Not only hooker, but CHEAP HOOKER. You claimed that you were (over an hour) late to Jill's party because you were getting your hair and make-up done. Honey, your hair and make-up looked exactly the same as they always do, and watching you flail around trying to convince Bobby and Simon that you were totally justified was painful. More painful than watching Bethenny receive lingerie from her dad's friend. More on that later.

Even Mario's all "bitch, please!"

Oh, I almost forgot how you were ready to throw down with Francois and Johan! Granted, a 4 year old and a 1 year old shouldn't have been at Jill's fancy party, but they were invited. You don't need to make yourself sound more cuckoo by trying your best to humiliate them and then telling Bethenny how Avery wasn't allowed to touch the mothereffing couch when she was little. And then you were beating on Simon again for the girls' night infraction. SHUT UP, already!

All I want you to do is own it, Ramoner; I just want you to say "I was terribly rude and I am so sorry." Then shut up some more.

One last thing on Ramoner--wasn't most of that plastic surgery scene also shown in the first episode? What's Bravo trying to pull?

2. Lu Ann
. Hey! I was wondering, could you be any more condescending?

No? That's what I thought. Saying "part of being a Countess . . . " a couple of times to the camera and then "it really feels good to help you" to a recovering addict/homeless person is just patronizing and douchey. Also, I didn't think your interview coaching was all that hot, probably because oh, I don't know, you've never interviewed anyone for a job? I'll bet you didn't even interview Rosanna--the agency just sent her over.

Good luck with your manners and etiquette book. Be sure to send a signed copy to Ramoner, and please include a chapter on how to hide your rage when Jill forgets to put "Countess" on your place card at dinner.

3. Jill. Girl, you were abused in this episode! After you were nice enough to go with Bethenny to the racetrack, she threatens to "take a [bleeping] skewer to your eyes" at her birthday dinner when you ask (repeatedly) about her presents. That was AWKWARD, huh?

You seem like a good friend, Jill, and that's an admirable quality. I also appreciated how you were not fakey to Ramoner when she showed up so late to your party. Ramoner admitted that you scare her! Awesome! By the way, can I tell you how funny I thought it was when you told Ally that your first job was at a Chinese take-out place? Oh God, I can just hear your accented voice repeating Chinese food orders back to someone! Where's Bethenny? I bet she'd do a slightly cruel yet hilarious imitation of this.

4. Bethenny. Ease up on Jill! You two have this mother-daughter bickering thing going on. Sometimes it is amusing and other times, you just go a little too far. I hope that at some point you bent over backwards apologizing to her. She sat with you politely when your dad's pervy friend gave you lingerie! That is a good friend, Bethenny.

I will beseech you one last time--stay in therapy. I thought that the racetrack was symbolic of your neglected childhood? Why go there on your birthday? With your dad's cronies? It was weird.

On a lighter note, you are the soundbite queen, and you have been consistent all season with biting retorts. Thank you.

I leave you with a picture of what Jason would look like with hair (not that he should go that route, because I think he looks great the way he is).

5. Alex. You know, I actually have mostly good things to say about you this week. You still baffle me with your inability to see the value of a girls' night (not to mention your remark about the plug-in vibrator), but I thought that Simon and you handled horrid Ramona most gracefully. I probably wouldn't have brought my small children to the fancy dinner, because you know, young kids love to scream and stuff. They also apparently love to stab the food of strangers, but to be honest, I think there was some screwy editing there. Surely Alex and Simon wouldn't let Franc masticate that burger while they looked on lovingly? If it was so offensive, why didn't Jason or B snatch his hand and say "chill out, little guy" in French or Latin?

I can't believe I'm saying this, but that Francois looked totally adorable in his little hipster suit he wore to the child psychologist for his school evaluation.

Does anyone else LOVE the Bravo people who both covertly and overtly make fun of the cast? For instance, when they did that epilogue at the end and mentioned the Countess' "Swiss lice" and Francois' learning how to say "there's an iguana in my shoe" in German, French, Latin and Italian? Thank you, Bravo.

That about wraps it up. Reunion next week and it promises to be a juicy one with one of the cast members storming off the set!


a. said...

"The Real Housewives of New Jersey" becomes the third housewife series, and will follow "five of the Garden State's most affluent ladies and the families they run."

And "Date My Ex" is the Jo De La Rosa and Slade Smiley dating series Bravo ordered a pilot for last fall, and while the network still calls it "a new reality dating series," the description makes it sound like a docudrama: it "will follow De La Rosa as she looks for love in Los Angeles, where she has moved to pursue a singing career. But as De La Rosa's suitors will find out, you don't get Jo without her ex-fiance, Slade."

Mint Julep said...

God, I hope they read this.

Oh, and Jason does not look great.

Brilliant Asylum said...

Well said. I have to mute Ramoner whenever she comes on the screen. I honestly could not take any more of her pathetic "explainations".

That Francois is a cocky little three year old. I loved how was f-ing around with his evaluator for his own amusement.

Can't wait for the reunion--and hopefully another season of this or our OC ladies. Either one works for me. I am dying for your recaps on the Jo Show, whenever that comes along.

SGM said...

A, I thought you were making a joke about NJ, but NO???!?!?! Oh boy. No words.

MJ, you're right, Jason doesn't look all that great but I just wanted people to know that I don't hate bald guys.

BA, Oh God, my stomach turns at the thought of Jo's show! You know I'll write about it though.

beachbungalow8 said...

what more can i say, you nail it everytime.

BUT, i have to say (and i'm sorry poor little guy) the van kempen child 'frank' needs to have his hair CUT. i know for those of you with boys, this is a hard step to take, cutting the cherubic tendrils means your baby is all grows-up. but there is a point when you have to let go of your 'baby' and cut that shit. no one thinks it's cute but you.

and the jazz shoes? no, no honey. that little euro suit was not working with those crazy black 'slippers'. as much as i abhor velcro and cartoons on a kid? a pair of light up sandals with bob the builder or some crap, would have been a better choice than those. give the poor little man some dignity.

Sheryl said...

I can't believe no one's mentioned the comment Ramoner made to the camera about not wanting to "go under the knife" so she used lotions on her face...wha??? Those eyes are definitely the product of some serious knifework.

Cricket said...

Great job!

I so don't want the show to end...

RH of NJ? Really? I'm in and adding to the TIVO list.

Judi said...

Agreed. Ramona looks like she hasn't blinked successfully in years.

Is anyone else DYING for an OC/NY showdown? Bravo, come on- if this show was on E! or MTV they already would've strapped these East?West Coast bitches together and tossed them into the desert to fend for themselves. Just put Vicky and Ramona in a room together and let them loose. For the love of God and vintage Chanel.

Anonymous said...

i figured out why francois went ballistic over jason's plate...

when offered a "21 club" menu selection that includes venison, lamb, lobster, swordfish or organic chicken, why order a hamburger with fries? (www.21club.com)

i'm siding with francois on this one.


Anonymous said...

I TOTALLY thought a.'s comment about RHNJ was a joke but I've seen it popping up all over the blogs today. I cannot wait!!!

I'm a little worried about Francois. That kid just does not look right to me. What's up with the bags under his eyes?? He's probably been munching on lead paint chips off that nasty ass floor in his apartment.

Flipping Out 2...yay!

Anonymous said...

I have to believe the countess is bored and lonely. You can only buy so many Laboutin's and Prada to fill the void. The count lives in Switzerland half the time and is considerably older. She plays up the countess title that's been placed on her as it's kind of the only thing she feels she has of value and can bring to the party.

s said...

Botox is not a lotion.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Did anyone else notice that Ramona missed a few syllables when she was talking about her "chronical" age instead of "chronological"??

All those skin firming chemicals have apparently skewered her brain cells.