Forgive me for rattling on--I'm like a school girl in love! That DVR is one sexy mofo. I am totally going to kiss it goodnight. If only it vibrated . . . (kidding! kind of.)
Back to the finale of Real Housewives of New York City.
1. Ramoner, or shall I say "Rameaner," Jill's name for your rude alter ego? Actually it's not an alter ego, it's more of an all-of-the-time personality trait. At first I thought you were just clueless as to how much you offend others, but now I think that you know how much you offend others yet you just can't help yourself. You were so red in the face and flustered when talking to the camera trying to defend your shitty behavior with lame cliches. So transparent!
Shall we talk about your "Barbie dress" (thanks for the apt description, Avery) for the holiday party? HOOKER. Not only hooker, but CHEAP HOOKER. You claimed that you were (over an hour) late to Jill's party because you were getting your hair and make-up done. Honey, your hair and make-up looked exactly the same as they always do, and watching you flail around trying to convince Bobby and Simon that you were totally justified was painful. More painful than watching Bethenny receive lingerie from her dad's friend. More on that later.
Even Mario's all "bitch, please!"
Oh, I almost forgot how you were ready to throw down with Francois and Johan! Granted, a 4 year old and a 1 year old shouldn't have been at Jill's fancy party, but they were invited. You don't need to make yourself sound more cuckoo by trying your best to humiliate them and then telling Bethenny how Avery wasn't allowed to touch the mothereffing couch when she was little. And then you were beating on Simon again for the girls' night infraction. SHUT UP, already!
All I want you to do is own it, Ramoner; I just want you to say "I was terribly rude and I am so sorry." Then shut up some more.
One last thing on Ramoner--wasn't most of that plastic surgery scene also shown in the first episode? What's Bravo trying to pull?
2. Lu Ann. Hey! I was wondering, could you be any more condescending?
No? That's what I thought. Saying "part of being a Countess . . . " a couple of times to the camera and then "it really feels good to help you" to a recovering addict/homeless person is just patronizing and douchey. Also, I didn't think your interview coaching was all that hot, probably because oh, I don't know, you've never interviewed anyone for a job? I'll bet you didn't even interview Rosanna--the agency just sent her over.
Good luck with your manners and etiquette book. Be sure to send a signed copy to Ramoner, and please include a chapter on how to hide your rage when Jill forgets to put "Countess" on your place card at dinner.
3. Jill. Girl, you were abused in this episode! After you were nice enough to go with Bethenny to the racetrack, she threatens to "take a [bleeping] skewer to your eyes" at her birthday dinner when you ask (repeatedly) about her presents. That was AWKWARD, huh?
You seem like a good friend, Jill, and that's an admirable quality. I also appreciated how you were not fakey to Ramoner when she showed up so late to your party. Ramoner admitted that you scare her! Awesome! By the way, can I tell you how funny I thought it was when you told Ally that your first job was at a Chinese take-out place? Oh God, I can just hear your accented voice repeating Chinese food orders back to someone! Where's Bethenny? I bet she'd do a slightly cruel yet hilarious imitation of this.
4. Bethenny. Ease up on Jill! You two have this mother-daughter bickering thing going on. Sometimes it is amusing and other times, you just go a little too far. I hope that at some point you bent over backwards apologizing to her. She sat with you politely when your dad's pervy friend gave you lingerie! That is a good friend, Bethenny.
I will beseech you one last time--stay in therapy. I thought that the racetrack was symbolic of your neglected childhood? Why go there on your birthday? With your dad's cronies? It was weird.
On a lighter note, you are the soundbite queen, and you have been consistent all season with biting retorts. Thank you.
I leave you with a picture of what Jason would look like with hair (not that he should go that route, because I think he looks great the way he is).
5. Alex. You know, I actually have mostly good things to say about you this week. You still baffle me with your inability to see the value of a girls' night (not to mention your remark about the plug-in vibrator), but I thought that Simon and you handled horrid Ramona most gracefully. I probably wouldn't have brought my small children to the fancy dinner, because you know, young kids love to scream and stuff. They also apparently love to stab the food of strangers, but to be honest, I think there was some screwy editing there. Surely Alex and Simon wouldn't let Franc masticate that burger while they looked on lovingly? If it was so offensive, why didn't Jason or B snatch his hand and say "chill out, little guy" in French or Latin?
I can't believe I'm saying this, but that Francois looked totally adorable in his little hipster suit he wore to the child psychologist for his school evaluation.
Does anyone else LOVE the Bravo people who both covertly and overtly make fun of the cast? For instance, when they did that epilogue at the end and mentioned the Countess' "Swiss lice" and Francois' learning how to say "there's an iguana in my shoe" in German, French, Latin and Italian? Thank you, Bravo.
That about wraps it up. Reunion next week and it promises to be a juicy one with one of the cast members storming off the set!