Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Garage Update and also I LOVE YOU FRANK

Back in November, we were forced to empty our basement so that the foundation of our house could be repaired. The whole process made me feel like some sort of gross consumer a-hole, which in turn led to my spending hiatus of indefinite length. I wrote about it here, but really, don't bother because it's one of my earlier posts and it makes me cringe a little bit.

Here is what our garage looked like when we dumped the contents of our basement into it:

Garage then

Although the repairs were completed within 2 weeks, it took us FORFUCKINGEVER to sort through all of our crap. We donated a lot of it, trashed a lot and put some back in the basement. There are only a few stubborn items that refuse to magically disappear and allow both of us to park in the garage:

Garage now

Box springs for a double mattress. Did you know that the Salvation Army will not take this? WHY?! As part of a non-violent protest, we are refusing to move it back down to the basement. So here it stays until the Salvation Army bows to our pressure.

Prominent in the garage is a farm table which fit nicely into our old brick bungalow, but just looks too country in this house. Frank refuses to move this (with me at least) because I am a big pussy and will bang up the walls and whine a lot trying to get it back into the basement. We may just sell it because we are too lazy to move it 15 feet and down some stairs.

I don't know if you can see a smidge of orange behind the farm table, but those are the beloved* Broncos stadium seats, purchased by Frank when Mile High Stadium was torn down. When we eventually finish our basement and turn it into one big shrine to the Broncos**, the seats will be the centerpiece, along with this:

Ah, the John Elway stand-up liquor store display that manages to scare the shit out of one of us at least twice a week due to his extremely life-like presence in the garage. Love it!***

One last thing, because everyone, even strangers walking by our house, asks "what are those dental chairs doing in the back? Are you a dentist?" The answer is no, no, a thousand times no. They are antique barber chairs we brought from Kansas when my dad closed his clothing store. They are the heaviest mothereffing chairs you will ever see in your life, but the plan is that they will go in our basement (when we finish it) right by the pool table in the Broncos shrine.

So there you have it. When two cars are able to fit into the garage again, I will let you know. It will probably be around the time the Broncos shrine in finished, so . . . yeah. See you then.

* Okay, they are not beloved AT ALL by me, but I said that because I am trying to make up to Frank for calling him a fucktard in the comments of this post. I am so sorry Frank! Who knew you even read this blog? I was just trying to bond with Elaine and got carried away.

**Still trying to kiss up to Frank but there will be no Broncos shrine. Shhhhhh.

***No I don't but I love you, Frank!


Anonymous said...

Do you want to sell those Broncos Stadium Seats? Willing to pay!

Dani said...

I discovered your blog a couple weeks ago (thanks for the great reads) -- but this post especially cracked me up. (Especially being scared by the giant Elway* cutout. Just image how much more frightening it would be if it was a more recent pic of him, he's looking so old lately).

I totally relate to the length of time it takes to sort through old belongings... I always wonder, "What the hell was I think when I bought this?" -- as I toss junk X into the trash.

*At least your mile high seats are much more "vintage" than the giant Blow-up Broncos furniture that my family proudly displays. (Remnants of he horrible inflatable furniture fad).

Sneaky Chic said...

So Funny! You inspired me to tell my Salvation Army story, but it was too long to tell here, so I posted it on my blog.

Thanks for making me laugh!

SGM said...

Anon, selling them to you would get me murdered! So, no. They are not for sale.

Dani, I know, John is looking haggard lately, isn't he? If it makes you feel any better, our (frank's) inflatable Bronco's chair was just thrown out recently.

Sneaky, is it just the Denver Salvation Army that has such an attitude? Hmm.

Jessie said...

HAHAH... so glad you included those asterisks at the bottom because after each comment that needed one (especially "Love it!!!***) I was thinking to myself, "Seriously? Hm." And then when I read all the disclaimers, "A hah!"

Leslie (Reclaiming Miss Havisham) said...

Oh man don't even get me started with the Salvation Army refusing to do my bidding. They refused to take away my sofa because it had "too much dog hair" on it. I was like "look bitches, this came from Ethan Allen less than five years ago...can't you just lint roll the mother fucker?" I finally put it on the sidewalk and it was gone in a day.

BTW, is that your trikie? Do you roll around town on it? That's hot.

Richie Designs said...

I love that you called your hubby a fucktard and he caught you. My guy knows about my blog but doesn't read...one of these days I'm going to get myself busted.

speaking of that gives me a good idea for a post!

SGM said...

Jessie. Yes, you can rest knowing that I would never endorse a Broncos shrine in my house. speaking of...

Update to Anon--Frank said he would sell the seats for $1,000,000. I think you could talk him down to $10,000.

Leslie, "can't you just lint roll the mother fucker" just made my day. YOu should see the trike up close. It's got a bunch of fancy ribbons and flags on it. Totally pimped out.

Richie, can't wait to read it!

zakary said...

My fucktard of an ex husband will by those GD seats from Frank. He has some man love thing going on with John Elway. He has that same cutout that my daughter always puts a pink boa on when she is over at his house.

Jessica Claire said...

i so feel your pain!

right now i'm in the process of packing up my recently redone attic room after first-floor renovations led to the discovery of outdated wiring all through-out the old part of the house.