Tuesday, April 1, 2008

"I want Ginger to die. Honestly, I do"

Quote of the week comes from Ally, talking about Jill's ill-behaved dog, Ginger. Guess what? I can't say that I blame her. If you didn't see Ginger straining her tongue to lick inside Jill's nostril for what seemed to be at least 10 seconds, well then let me give you the honor:

And Jill's comments--something along the lines of "we can't let them know that you do this"--makes me think that this is not the first time this has happened. Are boogers protein? Because the dog trainer specifically said that you shouldn't be feeding her so much protein, Jill. Weren't you listening?

Sorry, in addition to grossing all of you out, I'm getting ahead of myself. I was up last night with a sick kid and now I'm not feeling so hot myself, so this Real Housewives of NYC recap will be short and sweet.

1. Ramoner. Tank top with buckles + mini-skirt + high heeled boots = hooker. Ramoner, Avery's friends are not your friends. I know that you're trying to be the cool mom and all, but you're definitely treading into Dina Lohan territory, and I don't think you want a little Lindsay on your hands. Do I need to sit you down in front of some Dr. Phil so that you can learn that the goal is not to be your daughter's best friend but her parent?

What's the name of your family business again? I can't remember. You should really push it more.

Nice to see Avery loosen up a bit in this episode. I think she's darling. Habitually Chic mentioned that she'd be up for adopting Avery, and I would totally support that. The courts might too after seeing this episode. Also, and I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I found Mario somewhat attractive in this episode. Help me.

2. Bethenny. TOO MUCH BETHENNY on this show. She talks and talks and talks like she is the only person in the world who has ever had a break-up. Shut up, already! What a fabulous body she has though. Holy smokes. Are those implants? I'd have to vote yes, simply because no one that skinny has boobs that big. One more thing--Bethenny's face is driving me nuts. The freakish shape of her jaw just distracts me, as does the never ending crazy jibber-jabbering.

3. Jill. Already covered you. If you get that nostril-licking dog under control (or at least away from the cameras), I just might start to like you.

4. Alex. I know we're all thinking this: how much did Simon spend on the birthday party? And how on earth did he convince all of those people to come? Muy interesante that Alex's party was on a boat, thrown by a man named Simon who gave her some expensive jewelry. Gosh, why does that sound so familiar?

5. Countess. I know I've said it before, but your children are gorgeous. Bratty? Yes, but still gorgeous. Thought Noel's breakdancing was pretty cute. I wonder what his teacher Cyclone thinks about teaching rich white kids how to breakdance. Cyclone, are you out there? SGM wants an interview.

Please fill in the gaps for me, my dears.


mamacita said...

I bet Bethenny's tits are real. A lot of Ashkenazi Jewish girls have awesome racks -- c.f. Shoshanna Lonstein Gruss. But she does have an awesome body. I'm checking her website for recipes.

Paloma said...

I totally agree about Bethenny. Her face is so...weird.

I thought Avery's little brunette friend was hilarious! She gives me hope that there will be a Real Housewives of 2028.

I found myself wondering the same thing about Cyclone. I'm surprised he doesn't charge more.

beachbungalow8 said...

my observations:

countess luann:
where did you meet your old count? seriously, does he smell a little like moth balls? i just know he has adult children from his first marriage floating around someplace. that said, i actually think you're pretty cool. i can't wait to see you next week, putting ramoner in her place re simon. well done.

alex: you make me cringe with your obvious pretentious struggles. but, i will say, i saw a bit of you that put up with bethenny (who is a mess) patiently and fairly...and it made me give you a little break.

bethenny: why do i feel we're going to find out that not only do you have an eating disorder but a tad of a drinking thing going on. please don't stop seeing your therapist it's too early. i know girls like you. one grape to two hours on the stationary bike, followed by 4 lychee martinis should do it.

jill: how do you know bethenny? weird combo. also, you keep saying 'my business' and, 'i run a business with my husband'... really?

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

LOL, I love your recaps SGM. I'm a little bit in girl love with you. =)

I was too drunk to have really paid attention last night...or to remember anything above and beyond what you said...but Bethenney needs to SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Brilliant Asylum said...

Nobody does it better than SGM!Btw, pleeeeease cancel my membership with Team Jill. The Ginger image makes me want to vomit on my keyboard.

Noel and Cyclone were too cute together. I have a picture framed on my wall from the Greenwich Times (circa 1984) of my husband doing the helicopter when he was nine. "Street dancing" prepsters always make me smile.

As far as Bethenny goes, those are absolutely fake boobs.

Jessie said...


Pretty good, but fake.

Countesses daughter? (Victoria, I think) Absolutely gorge. She's only 12, people, if she isn't signed up for any modeling contracts by the end of this show... i'm going to give her a call and offer to be her agent. I'm thinking - start off with some Ralph Lauren Kids and then we'll move on to bigger things like Missoni and Chloe.

Avery. I'm sorry to say but you're doomed (not your fault). Darling, but doomed.

Sarah's Fab Day said...

I haven't been able to figure out who Ramoner totally reminds me of...then it hit me! She is totally channeling Tai from Clueless.

mamacita said...

I'm telling you, they're real. When she was lying back on the beach, they moved toward her armpits; fake ones stay on top of the chest.

BB8 -- you're so right about the mothballs!

muranogirl said...

All a yous crack me up!
Was anyone else grossed out when Alex and Simon kissed during their dinner?? Those plunging tongues, her bad teeth, his skin - like sweaty cheese. Don't get me wrong girls, I like a good make-out scene but that was just wrong.
Bethenny's nasal, whining voice and complete neurotic single- woman-of-a-certain-age panic put me over the edge last night.

Cricket said...

When I have time over the weekend, I'm watching it again - thank God for Tivo - and I'll be paying special attn. to BF's boobs. I'll post my observations!

Just wondering, anyone who commented on BF - are any of you late 30's+ and single? Why do I think no...

Ramoner - doesn't Stacy London live near you? You are an emergency if I've ever seen one.

Jill - Like her, but I'm so grossed out by the dog and the NOSE!!

Alex - can't wait to girl's night + Simon next week!

LuAnn - what am I missing? I don't like your attitude. Love your housekeeper.

PS. Mario was cute!

Paige said...

1. bethenney's body is sic. i would die to look like her- and she has a decade on me.

2. how hideous were the earrings simon gave alex for her birthday? were they from claire's?

3. how annoying is bethenney's friend who repeatedly declares herself hot and over sexed?

4. who cannot wait for hurricane ramoner to meet alex and simon next week? that looks like pure awesomeness.

SGM said...

Mamacita, Ashkenazi Jew and tits in the same sentence? Love it.

Paloma, I agree about that feisty little friend of Avery's. Too funny.

BB8, I agree with everything, esp the mothballs (hahaha) and Bethenny's eating disorder. With her background, she's a prime candidate. YOU should be her therapist, BB8!

Aw, DPH. Drunk you watching watching drunk Bethenny--funny.

BA, Your husband was a 9 year old Greenwich street dancer! Cracks me up. BB8's idea that Bethenny has body issues makes me lean more toward implants. I'm going to see if there are early pics of her.

Jessie, I like your plans for Victoria! Poor Avery.

Sarah, Loved that movie! I can kind of see the Ty connection--Ty had the accent and was rough around the edges, same with Ramoner.

Murano girl, that description of the kiss was ALMOST as bad as actually watching it. Ewww. To give Alex some credit, she did act a wee bit uncomfortable.

Cricket, do come back with your boobservations. What do mean by the 30s and single comment? BF is allowed to be sad and heartbroken, but if I were on national tv, I'd try to reign it in a bit.

Paige, YES! to everything, as usual. I cringe just thinking about Ramoner's hissy fit next week.

katiedid said...

You all just crack me up. I only wanted to say I scared Mr. Katiedid out of a sound sleep with my grossed out shrieks of laughter when I saw Ginger digging for gold.

Cricket said...

The joys of TIVO -

I'm not a "boob" person - I have friends who can tell boob jobs, facelifts, etc. a mile away and, unless it's REAL obvious to someone who's clueless (that would be me), I would never know. That said, I agree with Mamacita - my $$ is on BF's boobs are real.

About my single comment - I am 40, divorced, no children. I think I thus have a soft spot/chip on my shoulder about the "topic". BF has been around cameras so often and, given her personality, I see her as not editing herself at all. I like her for that. I really feel for her. I just want everyone that wants to be in a relationship to be in one that's healthy and happy for them. Especially me! It seems so elusive. If you are in a good one, don't take it for granted.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Ok, no one has mentioned this yet:

Did I miss the fact that 12 is the new 27 all of a sudden???? Why the HELL are Ramoner and Mario pushing Avery about possibly running the family biz??? HELLO? SHE'S 12!!!

Jeez. My son is 6. Half Avery's age. So should I be interrogating him about where he'd like to attend college?!

I can't stop watching though.

sara said...

OMG... Your RHNY commentary is too funny- and spot on. And yeah, I also think Alex and Simon are insufferable, but I'm starting to feel sorry for them. They don't seem capable of connecting with people unless it's in a desperate, grasping at straws, attempt to climb the social ladder. Nobody likes them, but they just don't get it. Oh, and their house should be condemned.

And you know, I've also changed my opinion about Ramoner. At first, I couldn't help but think how embarrassed a seemingly well-balanced kid like Avery must feel about having such a hoochie for a mama, but Ramoner must have done something right to have such a good kid and decent husband (that she's been married to for 16 years - I think).

I'm so addicted to all the housewives repulsive behavior. Looking forward to Season 2.

p.s. I vote fake on Bethenny's boobs.

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing fake on B's boobs. I like her best out of all of them, even though her weird jaw and deep cheek lines definitely point to bulimia (I'd bet some serious coin on that)

Anonymous said...

Bethenny's tits used to be real. She was famous for it before she was famous for trying to be famous. Now they're fake. You can see they pop too high in the bikini in the pool. And yes, the face. You remember the tits & she pops up on tv and you see that face and you find out what tit-goggles are. She actually had the work done since last season, as several of the "ladies" have had done.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.blingforfun.com]hip hop jewelry[/url],[url=http://www.blingforfun.com/pendants/cat_9.html]hip hop pendants[/url],hip hop watches,[url=http://blingforfun.com/belts/cat_18.html]bling bling[/url] ,hip hop,[url=http://blingforfun.com/chains/cat_7.html]hip hop chains[/url],hip hop bling,[url=http://blingforfun.com/chains/cat_7.html]iced out chains[/url],[url=http://www.blingforfun.com/chains/cat_7.html]wholesale chains[/url]
hip hop jewelry
wholesale hip hop watches
hip hop rings

Anonymous said...

Great writing, I have been looking for something like that =D

hold harmless insurance