"We're gonna start bidding on this bitch for $2!"

OH GOD, how I love NeNe! She said this at a meeting for DeShawn's fundraiser, pretending to be the auctioneer after someone suggested that a date with Sheree be auctioned. Hahahaha! Good one, NeNe.

I know I am so far behind on the recaps for this show, but I just can't skip over them and start with tomorrow's episode. There are complicated storylines developing, and they must be deconstructed, discussed, and made fun of by yours truly.

Here's the quick and dirty on The Real Housewives of Atlanta:

EPISODE 2:

1. Kim throws an $18,000 birthday party for her 11 year old daughter Brielle. It involves a Hummer limo, several catered meals, a wedding cake flown in from California, endless gifts, a hotel stay, a fashion show and some sort of grown-up cocktail party. Oh, and a massage for Kim because because the party planner stressed her out. Poor thing.

The crowning moment is when Brielle receives a $1600 Louis Vuitton purse from Kim. What a fucking cheapskate! Why not the bigger size for $2200? Don't you love her? It's no surprise that Brielle is completely overwhelmed and acting like a spoiled brat, enough so that Kim has to pull her aside and say something along the lines of "what the hell is your problem?" Brielle rolls her eyes and bonks Kim on the head with a balloon. Kim gives a "what can you do?" shrug and smiles as Brielle runs off. You know the LV purse is already laying on the ground with frosting smeared all over it.


I almost forgot! Do you want to see Kim's birthday party outfit?


You can never have too much cleavage at an eleven year old's party!

2. DeShawn has an office (in a real office building!) for her foundation. Even the little plaque outside that says "The DeShawn Snow Foundation" can't hide the fact that this office is about as real as Kim's hair, which is to say TOTALLY FAKE. It is pristinely clean, with no pen, piece of paper or "World's Richest Lady" coffee cup in sight. We see DeShawn ostensibly taking notes on a laptop while interviewing someone to be her assistant, and she is irked when the applicant doesn't "know who I am." Tip to future applicants: ask DeShawn for an autograph upon meeting her. You'll be hired on the spot!

3. NeNe and Sheree have apparently talked and sorted out The Big Party Rebuff. There are no details. I'm not buying it for one second--they see each other at Brielle's cocktail party and act as fake as DeShawn's office to each other. Mark my words, NeNe's about to pounce.


EPISODE 3:

1. Kim, who smokes like a chimney throughout the entire episode, annouces that she wants to be a country singer. This is mostly based on the fact that people tell her she looks like Carrie Underwood and Faith Hill. Don't laugh--she's being serious. When NeNe, one of Kim's closest friends, hears that Kim wants to be a singer, this is her expression:


which is to say "are you fucking kidding me?" Yeah, I'm not sure Kim realizes that singers really have to sing. She's kind of jumped the gun with her album cover photo shoot


but she is working with mega-producer Dallas Austin, which is rock solid proof that Big Poppa is very powerful and is calling in a HUGE favor. Why is the media not getting on this Big Poppa business?! Who do you think he is?

When Kim meets with Dallas, she's chain smoking and drinking and blathering like an idiot.


When Dallas talks to the camera, his whole attitude is one of amusement, like "I'm a hip-hop producer and she wants me to do country? With these retarded songs that her kids' music teacher wrote?" Dallas is smart man--before he commits to anything, he tells Kim that she must visit a voice coach. From the previews, we all know how that turns out, but I'm tuning in to see Kim's reaction.

2. DeShawn's planning a fundraiser to support her foundation. She wants to raise $1 million in one night, which everyone (Sheree, Kim) thinks is ridiculous. DeShawn and Sheree have a little spat over DeShawn not personally calling Sheree to ask her to be part of the auction.

3. DeShawn makes a very consipicuous visit to church and writes a very conspicuous check for $15,000. YOU'RE RICH, DeShawn! WE GET IT.

4. Lisa has a make-up party (which is the Atlanta equivalent of the Real Housewives of NYC cooking party?) and tries to convince Sheree to participate in the auction. The make-up party actually looks pretty fun, until we see this part:


I swear, these women have to have a professional photographer to document their every move. What do they do with all of these creepy photos?

5. NeNe is at Kim's and does a hip-hop version of Kim's proposed first single called "Don't Be Tardy to the Party" (!!!) and it is AWESOME.

6. NeNe gets a letter from an aunt telling her that her father is not her real father.


The aunt also writes "I hear you have a nice house and a nice car," so maybe you could, you know, help a sister out? NeNe is shocked and upset by all of this. Her mom's not alive, so she calls the deadbeat who she has known as her father and he tells her "I've always had my doubts." NeNe's going to have a DNA test done to put the issue to rest.


7. There's a bunch of other stupid crap that went on with Lisa and Sheree, but you can live without it.


Watch more juicy drama unfold Tuesday night!


P.S. Guess which idiot forgot to record the Real Housewives of Orange County on Oprah? ME. If you watched it, please report.

"I can't stand fake-ass girls"

Me too, NeNe.

Well speak of the devil! Look who it is...


Some fake-ass girls! NeNe was referring to Sheree, but I'm going to go ahead and put Kim in that category too--I wouldn't be at all surprised if her ass was indeed fake.

My friend who does marketing for Bravo told me that Atlanta's viewership is up 20% compared with that of New York's. What do you think about that? I didn't expect to like this show, but I DO. Maybe even more than New York. Crazy, I know.

Read on for the delicious trash that is The Real Housewives of Atlanta:

1. Kim and her friend Cori are at some swank brunch place. They order some "Dom" for their mimosas. While wearing sunglasses.


Kim's drunk already, or just stupid, because she asks Cori what's up with the "poison fish" on the menu. Cori has to explain to her that "poisson" is French for fish. Still wearing sunglasses.

Sheree is supposed to be at brunch, but doesn't show so Kim calls her. Turns out Sheree is sick and Kim is "really worried." Kim tells the camera that she has a nursing degree (what?) and is going to take Sheree some medicine. NeNe, who arrives late to brunch, says, "Honey, the only thing that's going to fix Sheree is a smack in the face!" Oh, wait--that's what I said. But you know NeNe wanted to say it too.

2. Next, Kim rushes to Sheree's side with some Theraflu:


Sheree invites Kim in and shows her the photo album from Sheree's birthday bash. Kim looks at the photos and remarks that Sheree is the the black version of Kim, that they look so much alike. Sheree nods emphatically. Huh? I was waiting for a burst of laughter from either one of them, but it never came.

THEN comes one of the best parts of the show, because what do we see in the photo album? Photos of NeNe and Kim being kicked out of the party. Several of them: NeNe looking outraged, Kim pointing at the guest list, Kim with the "whatever" look on her face. IN THE PHOTO ALBUM.


What the mother-loving eff? I'm imagining Sheree coming across this album when she's 80 and saying wistfully, "ah, yes...remember when I humiliated NeNe like that? Look at how furious she was! What a fond memory that is for me."

Is Kim phased by any of this? Not at all. To the contrary, she "that was when NeNe wasn't on the guest list, remember? And she couldn't come in." As if Sheree had forgotten!

To the camera, Sheree makes a nasty comment that NeNe is an unhappy person, and you'd be unhappy too if you were NeNe. Watch your back, Sheree. NeNe will not let that comment slide.

3. NeNe meets up with Dwight, her "gay boyfriend" who is also a celebrity hairstylist. He won me over with his opening line of "what's goin' on with the bitches, honey?" Here is yet another bit of free advice to Bravo: these two need to have their own show. Watch the clip here, because while I could transcribe their conversation, I could never capture Dwight's exquisite accent and mannerisms and NeNe's tone of voice and eye-rolling as she responds to him. Magical, and truly entertaining.


The gist of the conversation is that NeNe wants Dwight to help her son Brice pick out a suit. Also, Dwight predicts that DeShawn's fundraiser will be a bomb (foreshadowing...).

4. Then there's a bunch of stuff about Lisa, and I'm just going to choose to ignore her because her storyline just doesn't interest me that much. But I will say that her husband Ed is HOT.

5. Kim organizes a spa day with Cori, Sheree and NeNe. I was so relieved to hear this because Kim obviously has so much stress in her life. Really, how does she cope? Anyhow, NeNe cancels because Sheree is invited. Kim's upset and thinks NeNe is being immature. When Sheree shows up, and Kim and Sheree trade cliches while trash-talking NeNe. Went something like this: "Dont' be a hater!" "Be who you are!" "Be real!" "If you got it, you got it!"

After getting a $300 massage, Kim visits Sheree during her facial and commences getting creepy by gushing to everyone ad nauseam about how beautiful Sheree is. "She's stoopid beautiful," she tells the aesthetician. Queen Frostine, of course, eats it all up: "You're too kind, Kim," she coos.

6. I should tell you that at this point, Kim and Sheree have been talking about how DeShawn's fundraiser is going to be a joke because it's not exclusive enough and "very unprofessional."

7. Kim and Sheree have dinner together with their kids. Kim tells Sheree that her son looks like O.J. If I were Sheree, I would have said, "Oh, isn't that funny? I was just thinking that Brielle looks like Charles Manson!" But seriously--the son is a mini-Denzel. Super-cute.

Topics of conversation include haters, being real, and the burdens of being both beautiful and popular.

8. DeShawn is shown getting ready for her Diamond Gala fundraiser, which is being held at her house. She's bubbling with excitement. Foreshadowing...

9. NeNe, Dwight and Brice meet to buy Brice a custom-made conservative suit. Again, this scene defies description. What you don't see here is that Dwight is carrying a large, metallic handbag.

LOVE HIM. The "conservative" suit turns out to be a particularly bright royal blue windowpane print, which just cracks me up. There is talk of hoodlums (pronounced "who'd-lums"), drawers (as in underwear) and NeNe ends up dropping $6626.

10. Kim's shows up at DeShawn's letting us know that she's wearing a $1.5 million necklace and a D&G gown. With her tits hanging out, of course. Sheree shows up in a full-length fur and is pissed that there is no coat check. She has to send it out to her car with an assistant. Check out this bitchface:

Yikes.

Kim buys a $14,800 diamond bracelet and tells the camera that although there are tons of people there, no one is buying anything. She makes bitchy comments to her goon Cori. My notes taper off here because the next scenes were truly painful to watch.

NeNe is heading up the live auction with a local tv personality and NO ONE is bidding. Not a soul. Watching NeNe flop around up there, pained smile plastered on her face, while guests are just milling around, not even listening, was agony. I had to turn off the show when the professional athletes were standing next to NeNe, chests puffed out, waiting to be auctioned off, and there was not a bid in sight.

I had to wait a full 24 hours later before I could watch again to see that the auction was aborted. The million dollars that DeShawn wanted to raise? It only turned out to be $10,000, which didn't even cover the cost of the event. DeShawn retreats to her room in tears. Sad.


Kim, the lady that she is, is standing in the driveway smoking a cigarette as people stream out the door. She calls Big Papa: "I'm bored...I'm fucking starving, this wine is terrible, I gotta go." Minion Cori is the background punctuating Kim's call with lots of "YEAH! YEAH!" By the way, you can read more about BP's possible identity here. Verrrry interesting!


That's pretty much it. Next week promises to be espeically ugly, and I'm not just talking about Kim's singing--big blowout between NeNe and Kim. Watch out!

Thoughts?

In the grand tradition of the Real Housewives of Atlanta,

I'd like to announce the creation of my new charity, the Jeff Lewis Million Dollar Hugs Foundation.

As you may have seen on the front page of Yahoo, our very own Jeff Lewis of Bravo's Flipping Out is suffering deeply in the current recession.


It broke my heart to hear that Jeff, along with Zoila and all of the animals, are living in a 700 square foot house. Soon, he will be forced to take on remodeling projects in order to make ends meet. I cannot stand by and watch this happen. My hope is that I can raise enough money to move Jeff out of this squalor and into a 2 million dollar home in a trendy area (plus a $650k renovation budget and $10,000 for take-out meals).

In order to raise the funds, I am planning a a JLMDH luncheon, where invitees (only ballers, no riff-raff) will be asked to wear Lacoste in support of Jeff. A JLMDH live auction, which I hope to have sponsored by Starbucks, is also in the works. Please contact me if you'd like to volunteer or be on the guest list (subject to a background check) for either event.

In the meantime, I would like to personally call on Ryan Brown and Lori Lassner to open their homes and hearts to Jeff and his staff during this time of need.

In the comments section, please feel free to pledge your generous support and/or give Jeff your well wishes. Thank you so much.