Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I do not like black licorice

If you watched Real Housewives of NYC tonight, then you understand the title of this post. Let's get started with personal messages to all of the "housewives."

1. Alex. Not much of you tonight, and I have to say I was a little disappointed. I'd like to remind you that people who brag about how wonderful their marriages are, how in love they are, how perfect their families are . . . they are the ones who end up getting divorced and/or humiliated in very public ways. Remember Kathy Lee Gifford? No? Then how about Nick and Jessica? Spencer and Heidi?

I think the consensus is that your husband is a closeted homosexual. Watch your back, honey. Also, your boob was showing when Simon and you were having your smug-fest.

2. Bethenny. Meh. Boring. The best part was your cute little dress with the Greek key trim, first noted by Brilliant Asylum, and apparently designed by Ginny Hilfiger. Witness:

However, I was not crazy about the cropped red leather jacket that you wore with it. No biggie. I'll give you a free pass on that one because of your really awful childhood.

3. Ramoner. And no, that is not a typo. That is how Jill pronounces Ramona's name and it drives me fucking INSANE! I swear, the accents on this show increase the these-people-suck quotient by 75%.

But back to you, Ramoner. I am totally on your side in your battle with Jill. You didn't have to invite her to your small cooking party, and your excuse to the cameras was totally legit. It's that damn Countess who backstabbed you! You didn't lie when asked "where's Jill," you said "I don't know, I think she's in the city." The "I don't know" protects you in my book. You were caught in an awkward situation, okay? I understand.

Ramoner, I am actually starting to like you and your husband Mary-o, but you must work on the wardrobe. Avery was right--I don't care if that top was Missoni, it looked like lingerie. You were showing way. too. much. It makes you look older. And desperate for attention.

4. La Comtesse. You are so beautiful and have no accent, which means you could be my favorite, but no. You are proving yourself to be a nasty, pretentious person. So unfortunate! For reals, girl. Let's look into being gracious, okay? If Ramoner invites you to a cooking party, you either happily accept or you decline and go about your business. You don't accept and then get all smirky "I'm too cool for this shit" behind her back. Also, making fun of Ramoner's horse-show outfit to the camera was such a crappy thing to do. Now look what you've done! You've made me defend Ramoner's outfit.

Don't think I didn't notice the part you played in the Ramoner-Jill fight. You totally twisted Ramoner's words and then said that Ramoner just should have been straight-forward and admitted that Jill wasn't invited. The irony! You don't know the first thing about being straight-forward.

5. Jill. Where do I begin? First, are you Joy Behar's sister?

Because I close my eyes when you speak AND I HEAR JOY BEHAR. There's a resemblance right?

Second, quit pushing the Bobby-Allyson relationship. Ally doesn't love Bobby like you do and you need to be okay with this. Sheesh. Also, the food issues that are going on here with Ally? Bad. Bad, bad, bad. The detox was not about arthritis, toots. If it was, you would have not screamed with joy at seeing your daughter lose 11 pounds in 8 days.

Third, don't wear tanks with straps one inch wide. Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear will back me up on this. Your boobs are waaaay too big. But your tank top choice was nice in that the inappropriate cleavage reminded me of the OC ladies.

Fourth, you kind of insinuated that you invented the phrase "gay husband." You did not. Just wanted to clarify that because my gullible husband thought that you were clever for it.

Fifth, I will explain the black licorice reference. Bethenny remarked, "Jill is like black licorice. You either like it or you hate it." Then there was a bit of a pause and Bethenny said "I like black licorice." I know that I'm mixing Bravo metaphors, but Bethenny's been in the monkey house too long.

This show is an adult version of My Super Sweet Sixteen. No one cares about being friends; they only care about out-doing each other. And you're damn straight I will keep watching it.



Abby said...

The entire time I was watching last night I could not wait to read your thoughts. I completely agree with all of them. And I will keep watching too!

Things That Inspire said...

I checked in for the post-show analysis, and was not disappointed!

Every time I saw Ramona on camera, this word kept popping into my mind: arriviste

ar·ri·viste (-r-vst)
1. a person who has suddenly risen to a higher economic status but has not gained social acceptance of others in that class; an upstart.
2. A social climber; a bounder.

Seems like the perfect definition of Ramona. For this reason alone, I can understand (although not condone) the snobbish behavior of the Countess. She probably deals with 'wanna be' people day in, day out. However, a person of true kindness, class and grace would not behave in such a patronizingly haughty manner. Countess, I too was very disappointed in you this week.

Now, the interesting twist to this is that Jill is an arriviste too. However, there is something different about her approach and demeanor. The countess seems to genuinely enjoy being with Jill. Maybe it all comes down to whether you like black licorice.

Habitually Chic said...

Love the wrap up! I was also thinking that Jill sounded like Joy Behar! I missed the black licorice comment. I'm going to have to watch the repeat now. Although, I still can't believe I watch this crap! But it's such a train wreck that I can't look away!

Haydee said...

You are hilarious. I agree on all points, but especially on the friggin horrible accent..and I'm from NY. It is possible to live there and not talk like that.

muranogirl said...

Yes, you nailed it once again! Love the comments too!
I too am disappointed with the countess -- so much for being gracious.
Re the accent: a fabric rep that used to call on my design team was from NY and every time he came he would talk about his mill in "Chiner". One day, after his visit and multiple uses of the word Chiner, a female team member thought out loud, "I wonder if he refers to his wife's private part as her vaginer?"
I digress.
I will continue to watch these ladies and look forward to seeing them get nasty at fashion week.

Brilliant Asylum said...

Ahhh. This site is the Bloody Mary to my Real Housewives hangover.

Alex is really getting her cost-per-wear down on that zebra outfit. Perhaps the lunch scene takes place before the shopping spree. I can see how getting liquored-up would make spending between 5 and 6 figures on clothes a good idea. Actually, no I can’t.

The Countess is almost hysterically selfish. I would be pissed if I was Jill and showed up in a flashy car (to overcompensate for my shortcomings and neon hair color) only to have a beautifully thin ex-model aristocrat snatch the keys away. Come on Countess—let the short, commoners have a little attention too. And quit picking fights among the little people!

Ramoner could be cute if she wore things that did not hug her muffin top so snuggly. And what is up with that side barrette thing she keeps doing? It's like Chrissy from Three's Company is her style icon.

Ok--I am off the Bravo site to see if they updated their blogs yet.

Rebecca said...

I'm really irked to have realized last night that this is Bethenny's second go around on the reality t.v. circuit: think Martha's short-lived Apprentice a few years back. She loses credibility now that I know she has an agent searching out any opportunity for self-promotion. And if you think I'm being to harsh, remember the chick did use possibly the most annoying phrase I've ever heard phrase, "democratize health."

Paige said...

Oh. My. God. Last night all I could think was what was SGM going to say today about this show!

First off: Alex is hideous! Face, lips, teeth, hair. No amount of looking good in a thong bikini in St. Baths is going to negate those features.
Secondly: I felt like I was back in jr high school. Ramoner (great catch by the way) is totally trying to by pass Jill to get in good with the Countess because it is obvi that the Countess is the "most popular girl in school" on this series. She is rich, a countess, accentless and pretty which means all the other hoes have lots of catching up to do in her eyes.
Lastly: How did Bethenny get on this show? She is not a housewife......or an anything wife???

Kelly said...

I like black licorice. Jill reminds me of all the moms my euro-trash friends had in highschool. I don't like Ramoner. Her finger quotes are out of control. And her eyes, she's a deer caught in the headlights.

julie said...

ITA on all counts. You crack me up, SGM! Dead on re: the Joy Behar twin.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

I was not a religious watcher of RHOC, but am becoming one with RHNYC! When I watched last night, I was so excited because I have been somewhat of a lurker/occasional commenter on your blog, but could never really comment on the OC version. So when I watched it last night, I was so excited cause I knew you would post something today and I would know exactly what you were talking about!

1) Could not agree more on Alex's husband being a closet gay. And they talk waaaayyy too much about how "in love" they are. Far too co-dependent for my taste.

2) Ramona is so annoying. She needs to find clothes that fit better cause her tummy is not attractive. She has huge bug eyes too that irritate me, and the bitch doesn't know when to shut up! She has no filter between her brain and her mouth!

3) Jill reminds me of Barbara Streisand! I can't believe no one else has called that! I can see Joy Bejar, but I see way more Babs in her!! Also, my mom's side of the family is from NY and my recently deceased uncle and my grandma are the only part of the clan who put an "r" on the end of things. Totally irritating. My grandma always refers to my uncle as "Daner".

4) Bethanney needs to calm down on her relationship with Jason. "Do you like me, can we move in?" Seriously, calm down.

5) I like the countess...but she was a little bit of a backstabber last night!

SGM said...

Thank you everyone for your insightful comments on this cringe-inducing show! I just wrote a big LONG comment responding to everyone personally but then it ...disappeared. Damn you blogger!

Eliot Spitzer's Whore said...

Yes, Joy Behar! The voice has the same loud grating sound to it. I'm really trying to like these women but I'm having a hard time. I miss the OC ladies. Watching the NY women has given me a new appreciation for them. I'll keep watching though, maybe they'll grow on me.

SGM said...

Quick to Murano girl--I laughed so hard at your post that I cried. YOu know that there are East coast ob-gyns who say vaginer every day.

Richie Designs said...

I'm most loving the response by "eliot spitzer's whore"
that is fantastic!

ugh have to catch the show on rerun I missed it last night

Courtney said...

I love that you incorporated the monkey house quote! Priceless!

Anonymous said...

SGM, I must tell you that I so look forward to each and every one of your posts. God, your insight is so fucking SPOT ON. I just love it. The posts about the Real Housewives, though---oh, they're just too much. I made the mistake of reading these comments while still at work and I just busted out laughing. (Brillant Asylum's "Chrissy from Three's Company" comment did me in) Co-workers stopped and stared. Whatevs. Please keep on doing what you're doing. You are HILARIOUS and you just make my day. And the user names of the commenters: Dirty Pirate Hooker, Eliot Spitzer's Whore. So freaking fabulous.

muranogirl said...

Eliot Spitzer's Whore and Dirty Pirate Hooker are truly sublime handles! Thanks ya'll for making me laugh today and brava SMG for creating such a great place to hang.

muranogirl said...

I meant S G M!

Meg said...

I started to watch it, but... I couldn't. I was just tired enough that watching their on-camera antics was just depressing instead of maliciously entertaining. It is weirdly transfixing, though. I thought you might wrap it up in a way that was less depressing than actually watching them and... score. Ramoner. Heh. It made me want to get the show to have Jill say "idea" since she'd probably say "idear."

Sarah's Fab Day said...

So I finally watched the whole episode last night. Total train wreck, but I think that Ramon-er is the most irritating. Jill and Luann are bad but Ramon-er drives me bonkers! The funny thing is she thinks she is the cat's meow and I'm thinkin' she looks like PWT with her fried, root head and too small clothes.

Sucker For Marketing said...

SGM, I can't even believe that you have gotten me to watch this shit. I am addicted. I'm speechless!

Paloma said...

This is arguably your best show re-cap ever! You are so spot on in your observations.

Who Sees the Seven... said...

Let me tell you...those accents on TV may be bad (and to be honest, I watched three minutes of this show the first night it was on and decided it was too much like listening to the chatter I hear on a daily basis on the streets of New York and HAD to turn it off...however, I continue to read your recaps from start to finish and enjoy those more than if I actually watched the show...because it is the nonsense that is the Housewives of NY and sans the accents) but try hearing them in person; in the grocery store line, on the subway, in the dressing room at H&M. EVERYWHERE! It makes me want to wear earplugs everywhere I go.

amber said...

Ramoner. Vaginer. Classic! I've been Tivo-ing the show while I'm in Hawaii, but your re-cap has left me speechless, laughing and teary even, now I CANNOT wait to watch it!

Anonymous said...

As they made catty remarks about each other--especially you, Countess!--I kept thinking, "they know that they will be watching these episodes and will know what you said about them, right?"

Cricket said...

You ROCK!! Please do a post after every episode of this show.

Cricket said...

You ROCK!! Please do a post after every episode of this show.

SGM said...

To all of you--thank you for the comments! It is b/c of you, dear fellow reality tv viewers, that I will continue to watch and report, no matter how soul sucking the consequences may be.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

I'm hooked! On both the show and your commentary.

The entire time I was watching, all I could keep thinking was "Why do they ALL have bad hair?!"

I just don't get it.

beachbungalow8 said...

come on. these are women of grace and class. obviously.

beachbungalow8 said...

oh but wait, how great that betheeeeeennnnneyyy matched her dress to her greek key bedding. b. you're an f-ing genie girl! big high fives from you. who cares if it's the 'other' hilfiger. you go girl! milk. it.woo!

SGM said...

BB8, I laughed out loud at your spelling of the name. Too funny.

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