Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Will the real gay husband please stand up?

Both of them, obviously. Let's recap Real Housewives of New York City!

1. Alex. I just heave a big sigh and shake my head when I think of you. Every time you open your mouth, I become more and more convinced that you and Simon are playing some weird sci-fi fantasy game where your goal is to seek out people called Connectors who will build some sort of magical path which will lead you to High-Profile People and then eventually to the inner circle of Aerin Lauder. Oh, honey. It's delusional on so many levels.

Alex's thoughts at this moment: "is Jason a Connector or just a decoy sent by the opposition? Think, Alex, think! Yes--I have it--I will secretly look him up and down and then quiz him on his knowledge of Cavalli."

I truly mean it when I say that you are so mother-effing insufferable. It took serious self-restraint on Bethenny's part not to slap you when you started agitating over when to start Francois on violin, and how to get him into music school and it's all so crucial because he's three and almost past his prime (I editorialized a little bit on that last part). I wanted to reach through the tv and give you a little smack myself.

There are so many more things I could point out, but Jesus, aren't you tired of being my whipping boy (girl)?

2. Ramoner. I'm still warming to you. You have Avery and Mario, who seem to be nice people and that works in your favor. The Avery acting thing doesn't bother me so much because a) you were (allegedly) approached by an agent and b) Avery could totally get work as Dakota Fanning's sister.

I have to admit, when you started talking shit about models (as in "modeling is brainless") in front of a model and the former model Countess, it was so embarrassing that it was kind of endearing. But for all of you Ramoner haters, I will acknowledge the fact that her eyes do bug out crazily and she does have Chrissy from Three's Company hair (thanks, Brilliant Asylum for hitting the nail on the head with that one).

3. Countess. You act perfectly lovely in front of Ramoner and try to console her about her faux pas but then talk so disparagingly about her behind her back. I do not approve. Why do you agree to hang out with her? Is Bravo forcing it? Hmpf. When you see yourself act all nasty on tv, I hope you have the dignity to cringe and perhaps apologize to Ramoner.

I must admit, however, that you are still so gorgeous. The white halter dress? That green sequin top? Your perfect skin? If you stopped being so snobby, you would be so loved by the viewing public (and probably your housekeeper too). Your daughter Victoria--beautiful--but why is she looking 18 to me when she is actually 12? Is she wearing make-up? Grooming her eyebrows? Is she just tall? What's going on here?

4. Bethenny. When Alex announces with concern that her husband has texted her about whether to wear dark brown or light brown boots, Bethenny gives this priceless look of disbelief and says " he is in the midst of a deep homosexual panic." Really, this is the most perfect quote ever uttered in the history of reality tv. Bethenny, you would be my favorite for this comment alone, but you went on to admit you watch reality tv and make fun of Jill's accent in front of her. Love it. I also love that you are so low drama that the producers have to make up some boring storyline about your ex to make you appear controversial.

5. Jill
. So many topics, as usual.

First, your mother. I felt so sorry for you during the part with your mother. Really, girl. She was unnecessarily hard on you! I missed the reason why mom was holding her nose in the car and acting like she was going to die--was it because she didn't like the smell of your shampoo? Drama, anyone? Jesus. I feel like I understand you better after seeing where you came from, and I must say that I felt a tiny bit satisfied on your behalf when your mother was criticizing you so harshly as you were trying on dresses, yet she was sitting like two-bit hooker with her legs wide open. Did anyone else catch that?

Second, how old are you? At first I thought you were mid-forties, but your skin is really lovely. I think the big boobs age you. Reduction, sister. Consult.

Third, is Brad's gay husband position paid? Because it appears that this man's only job is to drive your car and help you shop all while keeping you entertained and pacified. If this is a friendship, it's very one-sided.

Fourth, your diva fit about not being in the front row of a fashion show? You're acting like your mother, don't you see it?! Break the cycle!

Fifth, it was really nice of you to offer to help Alex with Francois's school issues. Really. I'm offering you a compliment here. Take it.

Sixth, your quote "I don't think it's [k]lassy to talk about money." Riiiiight. So convincing as you pull out $2000 IN CASH to pay for your 14 year old daughter's dress. wtf? Are you in the mafia or something? Who carries around 2 large, sister?

That about wraps it up. I must admit that I was a bit distracted by the Celebrity Rehab reunion, which was excellent from what I saw. WHY do I cry every time I see Mary Carey in her ballet outfit? WHY?! Ladies, it is imperative that I get tivo because I can't focus on live tv when someone is talking on the phone or trying to talk to me. And equally compelling tv shows on at the same time? Torture. It's time to do something about it.

Double air-kisses and love to you all!


Pieter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cricket said...

Pieter -
check out www.laloop.com
Mine is red leather and I'm amazed at how many people say they love my necklace and want to know who designed it.

after Bethenny, you took the words right out of my head!!!

jbrannon said...

Thank you for bringing up the way Jills mother was sitting ..it was driving me crazy..her daughter Ally was also sitting this way at the Seventeen Concert..maybe their sitting is just as klassy as talking about their money is...also made the mistake of watching with my husband who wouldnt shut the f**# up until the countess came on...then tells me " I would like for you to refer to me as THE COUNT from now on"

Brilliant Asylum said...

Thank you for helping me wrap my head around the Alex and Simon social climb as sci-fi mission. That is perfect!

I was actually pleasantly surprised with the housewives this week. Their kids are so much smarter and better disciplined than their OC counterparts. Can you imagine Coto Lindsay or Coto Ashli worrying about missed schoolwork over their modeling careers? Not a chance in hell.

Despite their ridiculous feud, I am on team Jill by a segment. It warmed my heart that she would risk social suicide by “connectoring” cringy Alex and Simon with her friend that owns the private school. The fashion show walkout was not the klassiest move, but I could not help but suspect that Ramoner switched the name tags.

Anonymous said...

Ramoner--What is it about your face that is so wrong? It's not just the bug eyes, something else is going on there that I can't put my finger on. Anyway, I love how you criticize Jill as not being "classy or elegant" when you dress and dance like a stripper. And why don't we just call a spade a spade? Poor Avery is not pretty enough to be a model. That's the real reason you want her to act, n'est pas? Did you happen to notice the head shaking and worried look on Avery's face when the agent mentioned missing school? Leave your poor kid alone, lady. Let her be a kid.
Brad (the gay husband)--Are you really that fey, or were you camping it up for the cameras? You make Carson Kressler look like Russell Crowe. Being gay is not an excuse for wearing that cowboy hat.
Jill--Next time you go shopping, leave Mom AND Brad at home. They are both insulting to the designers.
Bethenny--He's just not that into you. Move on. You are gorgeous. Find another man who wants to have kids with you.
Alex--I cannot top what SGM had to say about you. I just loved the editing where Bethenny and Alex are talking about his boots---straight to a shot of Simon wearing the boots, jauntily leaning on a lamppost in his best impersonation of a straight man.

Paloma said...

SGM, I totally thought of you while I was watching last night and must say that most of the same points stood out to me.

I loved Bethenny's comment about Alex's husband...best quote ever!

I was cracking up that Alex was getting flack about her children's names.

Another thing that stood out was when Jill's mother was talking about being classy and lady-like in the car and then sat on the couch with her legs wide open!

I agree with your point about the Jill comment. I turned to my straight husband and said "If she doesn't like talking about money, what the hell is she doing on this show?!"

Habitually Chic said...

OMG! Love your wrap up as usual! For some reason I'm on team Ramoner. I think it's because Avery is so darn cute. I wonder if she would let me adopt her. I would never wear a top outside the house that looked like lingerie or ever embarrass her in public. I might have to work on that. Lol.

And who the heck buys with cash?! Someone needs to tell Jill that you can get airline miles when you use a credit card. At least get a debit card! What is up with that?! I wonder if that's the allowance her husband gives her. She's gonna get the IRS after her if she doesn't stop flashing the cash. And I can't even talk about her mother. Painful!

And you can take the girl out of the gutter and make her a countess but you can't buy her klass. She's not nice!

Pieter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Richie Designs said...

As my gay roommate and I discussed last night. These women aren't housewives they are the "social climbers of NYC"

jezzzus I thought the OC women were horrid [and I live here], this puts a whole new spin on plastic.

h said...

I told my hubby that I really dislike the NYC crowd and wish OC would be back for 4th season. And he says - which is worse: people on TV or people watching them? Ouch. But here's my problem - I think they are so inherently fake. At least the OC women didn't try to be someone else and they had a sense of humor about themselves. These NY women take themselves soooooo seriously and pls if this is high society of East Side... I am moving to Park Slope.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

I was dying last night when Bethenney said the piece about "homosexual panic". Best line in reality TV ever for sure!!!

Alex is just so beat up looking...she's yucky!!

Jill - you poor thing. Definitely do not bring your mother or gay husband next time. They were SO insulting to the designer, I felt embarassed for them!

Ramona - you are so damn annoying and I hate you. Your poor kid. I was so in shock at how Ramona didn't seem to care if Avery missed school. This is your child's education!!! My daughter was scouted out and I chose to not do it because of the amount of school she would miss. It's not right!

Countess - yeah, I agree, why is she hanging out with Ramona if she's just going to talk shit on her behind her back. It makes no sense.

Good wrap up SGM! You have to get TIVO. I just did and it changed my life...and not all in a good way either.

Paige said...

SGM- i just fucking love you. plain and simple.

maddalenna said...

Bravo! I look forward to this every Wednesday morning. Helps get me through the week!

muranogirl said...

GREAT job as usual!
Deep homosexual panic. It simply does not get any better than that!!
Poor little Avery. As if she hasn't placed enough pressure on herself to make sure she makes major bank after she graduates college like her mamma. She is already in a pressure cooker school where like most of the privates the curriculum includes the basics+ latin, science, music, art, and so on in addition to all the social pressures of other rich kids. Ramoner better get her head examined -- let this kid get educated rather than pimping her off to sell bathroom tissue and cereal. BTW, I think Ramoner has had a major brow lift -- they are raised all the way to Jesus 24/7.

John H. said...

I don't know what to think about this crop of "society" ladies. I think the real society ladies of the UES wouldn't touch this sh_t with a 10 foot pole, hence the casting of the JV team.

And did anyone recognize Bethenny as a former contestant on Martha Stewart: The Apprentice? She's a circuit gal, I guess. Was there any mention of it? I don't recall ever hearing anything on the show.

John H. said...

first time commenter, btw! Love the blog, I never leave without a smile! :)

Sucker For Marketing said...

SGM, you are the best!

I have to say I am totally NOT on the Ramoner team, and I have a strange affection for the Countess.

I watched the tivo'd version tonight with T and he talked the WHOLE WAY THRU it. Damn him. He just doesn't get it. However, I reminded him that he had just finished watching the lamest of lame "Tell The Truth" or whatever that's called, and he shut up when I reminded him of that!

SGM said...

Pieter, I agree--on a flamboyantly gay man, it looks like a cock ring.jbrannon, ah yes! Those husbands...so funny. But not that funny.
BA, re the nametags--I suspect the producers did it on purpose b/c they knew Jill would throw a fit. I totally wish they could have convinced Ramoner to do it.
Anon, totally laughed, esp. the use of the word "jauntily" in regard to that Simon scene. Perfect word! Also--he makes Carson look like Russell. True, true.
Paloma, Jill is such a mystery, isn't she?
HC, can I be Avery's godmother? I will have her out in the summer to give you a break.
Richie, you have a gay roommate?
h, yes, we must stay in the closet and not admit is public to watching this crap. I agree 100% with your take on the OC ladies.
DPH, yes, I fear that tivo result in me watching MORE tv. But at least I won't be so resentful when my husband starts jibber-jabbering during this show.
Paige, it is so fucking mutual!
Madda, I'm so glad!
Murano. Avery does look so stressed, doesn't she? Just wait till Habitually adopts her; she'll loosen up.
john h, yes, Bethenny's past has been noted. And i love the jv team comment--YES!
SFM, Tell the Truth is WAY WORSE than RHNYC. No doubt about it.

mamacita said...

I like these ladies WAY better than the OC ones.

Has anyone else noticed that Ramoner's husband is totally cheating on her? He's fucking everything that moves. So she gets a little bit of a pass from me for that. But, yeah, she needs to go back on her meds or something.

The Countess is a backstabber. [Also: husband gone for weeks at a time? Totally fucking around. The Countess doesn't seem to care, though.]

Bethenny's boyfriend is not on board with the t.v. thing, but he's trying for her sake. And have you seen her website? Some of the food actually looks normal and even good. I hope she does well with her "brand," though I wonder if this is really the best way to "build it."

Jill's mother looks (and acts) like Leona Helmsley. The first dress Donald Deal picked out for her was way better. And, yeah, her "gay husband" is totally fired. Jill's had her self-esteem worn down by these two; they're no good for her.

Alex: break-out train wreck of the show. Beyond hope. More please!

/caught up while I was sick.

Michelle said...

Thanks for another great post, SGM! OK, so yeah, Alex is trailer trash, her husband is closeted, Ramoner is the reincarnated Chrissy Snow from Three's Company (thanks Brilliant Asylum), Jill's husband is a dead ringer for James Lipton and her mother is TOTALLY Leona Helmsley--exactly what I was thinking Mamacita! The Countess is a backstabber like an 11th grader. The person I'm having a problem with is Bethanny. What's the deal with her, anyway? Yes, she's a great wit with an acid tongue and I LOVE her for that. She just doensn't belong on this show. She's not a housewife and she's pretty boring. She's there for shameless self-promotion and it's kind of ugly. This is her second go at the reality thing--isn't that a red flag? And the thing is...I don't think she has to go this route. I think she can be a recognized celebrity chef (or whatever the hell it is she wants to be) without being on a show where she doesn't belong. Of course, I continue to watch and love every minute of it. Thanks for letting me vent. It's entirely possible I may change my tune by next week and be on Team Bethanny. Who knows?

Leslie430 said...

SGM-this is the first time i have come across your blog and i also think you are spot on. loved bethenny's deep homosexual panic retort as well - totally classic. Does Simon remind anyone else around here of Drama from Entourage???? That shot of Simon and his boots against the lamp post got me. I can't look at Alex's teeth either - hasn't she heard of veneers???

SGM said...

Leslie, I can totally see Drama! Good one.

Anonymous said...

Hey guys i'm brad the gay husband and if pieter thinks that's a cock ring around my neck i would like to know how small his cock is? As for my role in Jill's life she is not only my very close friend but my extended family therefore we speak to eachother like we have been a couple for 50 years! she is amazing and has her own thoughts and has no problem expressing them to me. As for Gloria jills mother she comes to the table with a very strong hand but i love her for that, and she has put me in my place more then once. Keep watching the show like me or not you will be seeing a lot more of me!

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