Will the real gay husband please stand up?

Both of them, obviously. Let's recap Real Housewives of New York City!

1. Alex. I just heave a big sigh and shake my head when I think of you. Every time you open your mouth, I become more and more convinced that you and Simon are playing some weird sci-fi fantasy game where your goal is to seek out people called Connectors who will build some sort of magical path which will lead you to High-Profile People and then eventually to the inner circle of Aerin Lauder. Oh, honey. It's delusional on so many levels.

Alex's thoughts at this moment: "is Jason a Connector or just a decoy sent by the opposition? Think, Alex, think! Yes--I have it--I will secretly look him up and down and then quiz him on his knowledge of Cavalli."

I truly mean it when I say that you are so mother-effing insufferable. It took serious self-restraint on Bethenny's part not to slap you when you started agitating over when to start Francois on violin, and how to get him into music school and it's all so crucial because he's three and almost past his prime (I editorialized a little bit on that last part). I wanted to reach through the tv and give you a little smack myself.

There are so many more things I could point out, but Jesus, aren't you tired of being my whipping boy (girl)?

2. Ramoner. I'm still warming to you. You have Avery and Mario, who seem to be nice people and that works in your favor. The Avery acting thing doesn't bother me so much because a) you were (allegedly) approached by an agent and b) Avery could totally get work as Dakota Fanning's sister.

I have to admit, when you started talking shit about models (as in "modeling is brainless") in front of a model and the former model Countess, it was so embarrassing that it was kind of endearing. But for all of you Ramoner haters, I will acknowledge the fact that her eyes do bug out crazily and she does have Chrissy from Three's Company hair (thanks, Brilliant Asylum for hitting the nail on the head with that one).

3. Countess. You act perfectly lovely in front of Ramoner and try to console her about her faux pas but then talk so disparagingly about her behind her back. I do not approve. Why do you agree to hang out with her? Is Bravo forcing it? Hmpf. When you see yourself act all nasty on tv, I hope you have the dignity to cringe and perhaps apologize to Ramoner.

I must admit, however, that you are still so gorgeous. The white halter dress? That green sequin top? Your perfect skin? If you stopped being so snobby, you would be so loved by the viewing public (and probably your housekeeper too). Your daughter Victoria--beautiful--but why is she looking 18 to me when she is actually 12? Is she wearing make-up? Grooming her eyebrows? Is she just tall? What's going on here?

4. Bethenny. When Alex announces with concern that her husband has texted her about whether to wear dark brown or light brown boots, Bethenny gives this priceless look of disbelief and says " he is in the midst of a deep homosexual panic." Really, this is the most perfect quote ever uttered in the history of reality tv. Bethenny, you would be my favorite for this comment alone, but you went on to admit you watch reality tv and make fun of Jill's accent in front of her. Love it. I also love that you are so low drama that the producers have to make up some boring storyline about your ex to make you appear controversial.

5. Jill. So many topics, as usual.

First, your mother. I felt so sorry for you during the part with your mother. Really, girl. She was unnecessarily hard on you! I missed the reason why mom was holding her nose in the car and acting like she was going to die--was it because she didn't like the smell of your shampoo? Drama, anyone? Jesus. I feel like I understand you better after seeing where you came from, and I must say that I felt a tiny bit satisfied on your behalf when your mother was criticizing you so harshly as you were trying on dresses, yet she was sitting like two-bit hooker with her legs wide open. Did anyone else catch that?

Second, how old are you? At first I thought you were mid-forties, but your skin is really lovely. I think the big boobs age you. Reduction, sister. Consult.

Third, is Brad's gay husband position paid? Because it appears that this man's only job is to drive your car and help you shop all while keeping you entertained and pacified. If this is a friendship, it's very one-sided.

Fourth, your diva fit about not being in the front row of a fashion show? You're acting like your mother, don't you see it?! Break the cycle!

Fifth, it was really nice of you to offer to help Alex with Francois's school issues. Really. I'm offering you a compliment here. Take it.

Sixth, your quote "I don't think it's [k]lassy to talk about money." Riiiiight. So convincing as you pull out $2000 IN CASH to pay for your 14 year old daughter's dress. wtf? Are you in the mafia or something? Who carries around 2 large, sister?


That about wraps it up. I must admit that I was a bit distracted by the Celebrity Rehab reunion, which was excellent from what I saw. WHY do I cry every time I see Mary Carey in her ballet outfit? WHY?! Ladies, it is imperative that I get tivo because I can't focus on live tv when someone is talking on the phone or trying to talk to me. And equally compelling tv shows on at the same time? Torture. It's time to do something about it.

Double air-kisses and love to you all!

Real Housewives of New York City