Thursday, March 13, 2008

In my world, he's not gay*

I just confessed to my friend JJ that my spending hiatus has caused me to have an unhealthy obsession with the J Crew catalog. It is my porn that sits out in the open, on the coffee table, in the kitchen, on my nightstand. Just when I have memorized my copy and it begins to get tattered and worn, they send me another one, this time with a crazy gorgeous man wearing motherfucking white pants and a tartan jacket! Are you kidding me?! Who knew this could be so sexy? Those evil geniuses at J Crew!

He's so going on my free pass five; that outfit will be mandatory during our encounter. I'm pretty sure I would Eliot Spitzer him as well. By the way, a free pass post is forthcoming, so get your list in order!**

*and he has a thing for 30-something women with muffin-tops and an addiction to trash tv.

**If you have no idea what I'm talking about, please refer to I Could Kill Her's "Free Pass Ass." And yes, I am referring you here not only to explain the concept of free pass, but also because Elaine refers to me as lovely and super-talented.


Richie Designs said...

oh I've got my free-pass-ass list waiting.

I love JCrew right now so much it hurts.

Hannah said...

oh SGM, no one makes me awkwardly laugh out loud in the library like you do. When I'm away at school my mother actually saves the J. Crew catalogs so that when I get backed I can OD on waspiness. Totally healthy I'm sure.

Who Sees the Seven... said...

My cheeks hurt from laughing already when I saw you put white x's through small children and I nearly spit my gum out of my mouth when I read "Eliot Spitzer" him. Thank you. Can I make a free pass list even if I am not married? I figure I can keep it, update it as necessary (depending on when anyone on my list goes scandal McScandal and does it with an Olsen twin; though I would assume that my taste in celebrities transcends those that would do it with someone who was once on Full House) and then when I do get hitched one day, won't REALLY need to think long and hard about my choices. There they will be.

Elaine said...

My love,

Why oh why am I not a lesbian? If I was, I would make you my wife, always and forever. You could still wear the designer wedding dress. I'd wear the tux. I can not wait for Palm Springs!


Sucker For Marketing said...

OK, Elaine, I knew SGM in highschool, and I think you might think she WAS a lesbian if you ever saw any photos of her from then. Mind you, she was the best dressed lesbian I even knew!

I wonder why I don't get J Crew in the mail? I get every other bloody catalog in the world. I think I might need to call and get on the mailing list.

And, yes, SGM he is a hottie...

Paloma said...

SGM, you are a girl after my own heart! I can totally relate to your J.Crew obsession. I am obsessing about so many pieces including one of the models as well. However, for me, it was the guy from a few catalogs ago wearing the distressed jeans, converse-like sneakers, white t-shirt, and grey, long-sleeved, Mr. Rogers cardigan. Hot, I tell you! Oh so hot!

Paige said...

in my world, this one isn't gay either. yum!

Sarah's Fab Day said...

Can't wait for the "free ass pass" post, I've got some goodies!

Cricket said...

When are you too old to wear J. Crew? I LOVE J. Crew, but at 40 (a YOUNG 40, thank you!), every time I walk through the store I feel like I'm WAY too old to be there. The shorts, skirts and dresses are SOOO short!! I did buy the uptown tote in orange (can't remember what they call that color) and get comments on it almost every day. I also just bought the coppelle paisley San Telmo jacket. It was VERY expensive, but I thought it was so great I took the plunge. I'd love any thoughts on the jacket. I'm so afraid to go somewhere wearing it and have a HS girl have it on too!!

Habitually Chic said...

I once saw the really hot dark haired male J.Crew know the one who wears the Tortilla Flats in NYC. Let's just say he looks even better in real life than the catalog! He's lucky I didn't pounce on him!

SGM said...

richie- hurts so goooood
hannah- they don't send catalogs to canada? Cruel!
Who sees - everyone is entitled to free pass ass. I think it's in the constitution.
Elaine - I love you so much. How I long for the day we are lesbians!
Sucker - thank you for pleading my case as a lesbian. I thought even homeless people receive the JCrew catalog? How did you evade it?!
Paloma, I LOVE how you have the outfit memorized from a few catalogs back!
Paige, I can't make the link work!
Sarah, Bring it!
Cricket, you have expressed my whole Jcrew dilemma to a tee. Rock that jacket-so chic! High school girls could never pull that off.
Habitually, I can't wait to see your free pass list. I want to see some freaks on there! (i.e. Anthony Bourdain) ;)

Habitually Chic said...

Hahaha! Yes, I haven't even confessed my the even weirder crush I have on Kid Rock yet! Although, that was before his wedding to Pam Anderson. Not sure I would touch him now.

Oh, and since I'm single I don't need a free pass. I can hook up with anyone I want!!!

Decorno said...

HC -Kid Rock?
My view of you is changed forever. :)

And, don't be all braggin' about your single hook-up-y self. Some of us miss sex with strangers, k?

Anonymous said...

Too hilarious. But, I definitely want y'all to dig a bit deeper and admit your private shames. I mean, it's all well and good to be hot for Brad and Viggo and Denzel.

But Kid Rock is getting slightly closer. But still, not sufficiently humiliating.

I mean, of course I want the witty and apparently highly-intelligent Matt Damon in my bed, but much to my mortification, I also find myself strangely drawn to -um- Jack Black.

I cannot explain why. Peraps squat-man phereomones waft through the TV set every time School of Rock is re-run. Do I know he's greasy and pear-shaped and short? Absolutely. But there's something so hyper and crazy-eyed and hilarious about him I know in my heart of hearts that I'd love every second of it.

Anonymous said...

In his world, you don't have a vagina.

SGM said...

Kid Rock, Jack Black--fantastic--I will be addressing this in my free pass post.

Anon, who needs a vagina, I have a ___. (fill in the blank)

Anonymous said...

sgm: Girl, you have the biggest ____ in Blogvillia!

PS: My guilty crush: Seth Rogan (so handsome).

SGM said...

Cooter, anon. I'm going with cooter.

I understand the Seth Rogan thing, really I do.

Anonymous said...

The French prefer "la cootier." Just so you can sound classy when you go.