Thursday, March 27, 2008

FREE PASS FIVE

It's spring, my dears, and love is in the air! Well, not so much love, but wicked, nasty thoughts of fornication. Here is my Free Pass Five*, in no particular order.

--Darnell Jackson



I know, you've never heard of him and as a friend of mine recently said "could you be any more obscure?" I don't care, people. When I watch this video (he's the one dunking, watch the whole 16 seconds to get the full effect), I have to fan myself with both hands:




When he thumps his chest at the end ( :14), I yearn to know him in the biblical sense. Not only does he look like a delicious cup of hot chocolate, but he has the feel good story of the year. It would never work between us because he is a youngster (age 22), but Darnell, if you ever want to make tender love to a sexy cougar, PLEASE CALL ME.

--Vince Vaughn


Vince. You are a big tall man (some say might say fat too but I don't mind) and so I-can't-breathe funny, which makes you so gd sexy. Anytime, any place, Vince. Swear to God. Pop by my house on Christmas morning and my husband and kids will be hustled out the door in their jammies before you can say "let's get naked."

P.S. I love your voice--bring the dirty talk.

--Brandon Flowers, lead singer of The Killers


Brandon has this intense rocker-in-a-suit thing going on that just turns my white suburban ass on like nothing else. The video for Mr. Brightside and the song itself gets me every. single. time. He is Mormon, so I'd like to assure him right now that our activities will not involve alcohol, caffeine, or his wife.

--Ryan Reynolds


Every once in a while, I will question RR being on my free pass list because he seems a little too good-looking and tan. But then I'll watch one of his movies and I'll remember how hysterical he is. Gorgeous + funny + penis = SGM all over you.

If fate should ever find Ryan Reynolds and me in the same room, everyone best clear out because humping will ensue whether he likes it or not. (Susannah at Petunia Face, thank you for bringing the word humping back into my life)


--Goddamn you, John Mayer


I publicly rescinded your free pass and yet I find myself here, bringing you back on board because I know you would find me irresistable. You may stay based on these conditions:

- You must keep your hair short

- You must not use self-tanner

- Should you take me up on the free pass, you must

a) never bring up Jessica Simpson and/or her sexual stuff in front of me. For example, "Jessica liked it up the butt, what about you?" will get your free pass snatched away and torn into a thousand pieces. I don't think you'd ever do this but I just wanted you to know in advance that this would be unacceptable. While we're on the topic, though, back door sex is not part of the free pass package.

b) sing "Good Love is on the Way"

c) not sing "Your Body is a Wonderland" no matter how true it may be.

Believe it or not, I was not so disturbed by this:


. . . because I figure it greatly reduced the number of women who want to have sex with you, thereby increasing my chances.



All right! It's time to name your names, either in the comments or on your own blog. Let's hear it!


*For those of you who are new to this blog, "free pass" means a one time incident of unfaithfulness which is permitted, or maybe even high-fived, by a significant other. For people who are not in a relationship, a free pass list consists of names of famous people that the single person would totally do if presented with the opportunity.

54 comments:

Jennifer said...

Only 5? Can't I be an imaginary slut with like 20 guys?

John Krasinski and George Clooney (not together!) I'll be first in line for Leatherheads.

David Beckham. There will be no speaking allowed.

And to satisfy my teenage angst: John Taylor and Jon Farriss

Sucker For Marketing said...

OMG, you make me laugh until I pee my pants, SGM...and you know how true that is because you have been a witness!

Here are my 5, with no witty comments:
1. Matthew McConaughey (even tho you are about to be a father and I can NEVER spell your gd name!)
2. Rex Walters circa 1992-1993 (you know how much I want to lick his sweaty arms)
3. Cole Graham (yes, the one you know from home...his father is sooooooo sexy too, he might have to be #6)
4. John Corbett (yes, admittedly he is a newcomer and just added to my list due to the fact his band will be in my town an a few short days...yummy! I might have to pull a back stager with him in memory of you and Marky Mark!)
5.Brett Favre (I know, not really because of his looks, but I think he seems like such a nice guy, and he cried, yes cried when he retired because he loves football so much...he'd probably shed tears of joy when he finds out he has my free pass!)

muranogirl said...

SGM, my what great taste you have!!

Jamie Dornan (Marie Antoinette and Dior ads)
Chris Botti (met him w. Sting - too hot!)
Brandon Flowers (for the reasons SGM stated)
Marcello Mastroiani c. 1950
Rick Springfield & Matt Dillon (high school crushes)

Richie Designs said...

I will arm wrestle you for John Mayer and I've been "lifting" sistah watch out!!

Me and you will "cougar fight" it out till the bitter end.

Winner takes all including the hilarious day-glo unitard that only reinforces [for me] his humor and not taking himself seriously.

CashmereLibrarian said...

Hahaha: "yearn to know him in the biblical sense."!!!
1. Eddie Vedder.
2. George Clooney.
3. Leo DiCaprio
4. John Legend
5. Reggie Bush

karey m. said...

will compile my list asap.

and thanks. have a stinking cold, which means when i snorted at seven separate points in your post...it was not pretty.

Paige said...

i'll just do john krasinski 5 times. go to my blog and see why! yum!

amber said...

You make me laugh SO freakin' hard, I had to hold it in sitting in my office. So, here goes:
1. Mark Wahlberg (yum.)
2. Vince Vaughn (circa Swingers, pre chubby days)
3. Perry (from Make me a Supermodel, he's sexy with a soft side)
4. Tom Selleck (don't ask, just go with me here)
5. Lenny Kravitz (but only laying down, I know he's on the short side)
Perry and John Mayer are in a close tie, but after the sling image, Perry won.
May all your free passes come true...
A

Paloma said...

Ooh, Amber, you and I may have to duke it out for Mark Mark and Perry!

1.Mark Wahlberg
2.Patrick Dempsey - I love his voice!
3.Gordon Ramsay - I don't care what anyone says, that man is sexy, not handsome, but SEXY!
4. Perry from Make Me a Supermodel
5. David Beckham

I haven't given this much thought, so I may have to make some revisions. :)

muranogirl said...

Paloma - Gordon Ramsay is sexy! It's the confidence. Forgot about him!

Michelle said...

This is so hilarious! Great picks, gals!

Absolutely Numero Uno: Vince Vaughn
2. Mark Ruffalo
3. Lenny Kravitz
4. Gael Garcia Bernal
5. Dave Grohl

I must also add JFK, Jr. Man, I loved the crap outta him. RIP John-John.

Thanks, SGM, this was fun!

SGM said...

Jennifer--of course you can be a free pass slut but it's more challenging to narrow it down. It requires some focus and thought, you know? I can just see you asking your s.o. for a 100th free pass for the cute bank teller!

Sucker, I think I BABYSAT Cole Graham. How old is he? John Corbett was a runner-up for my list, but he MUST cut his hair! It's so wispy when it gets long.

Murano--we need to do an 80s free pass list. I would also have Rick, Matt, AND Jon Bon Jovi, Jake Ryan and Rob Lowe. Plus, you need a blog. You kill me. I still laugh over the Chiner comment.

Richie, BRING IT! You're probably stronger than me but do you know all the words to Comfortable? DO YOU?!

Cashmere, Eddie Vedder! How's he holding up these days? I need to check that out b/c he was pretty cute back in the day. Also, very intrigued by the Reggie Bush appearance.

Karey M, Can't wait! I want to see some Middle Eastern dudes on there.

Paige, I've seen how you all are fighting for him all over blogland. If he's anything like Jim, I might join in.

Amber, I love you Mark Wahlberg freaks. I need to check out Perry. As a child of the 80s, I understand Tom S. I agree on Lenny too--sexy mofo. Didn't know he was short.

Paloma! Another Marky Mark fan. I like your Gordon pick. Shows depth. :)

SGM said...

Michelle, DAVE GROHL! Awesome. Need to check out Gael. Poor John-John.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Oh SGM - you pretty much already know mine. But I have a much longer extended version on my blog..."men to fuck before I die". Some real life people...some celebrities...all yummy.

I'm not with anyone though, so that's why mine is a men to fuck before I die list.

marlazz said...

LOVE your blog. Read it everyday (esp after a Real Housewives) and never commented before, but couldn't pass up this opportunity. Here's my 5:

1. Clive Owen -- the manliest man alive.
2. Ditto Vince Vaughn, but since there's clearly too much competition for him, I will have to go with Jerry Seinfeld. Yes, Jerry Seinfeld. Hey, it's MY list.
3. Patrick Wilson -- beautiful. Watch Little Children, you'll know what I mean, and he sings too! He can sing "oh what a beautiful morning" to me the next morning. I will die happy.
4. Keanu Reeves - circa Speed and A Walk in the Clouds, and most of the time, but not scary skinny like in Little Buddha.
5. James Taylor -- circa the 70's of course. Read the latest Vanity Fair article on Carly Simon. He was dreamy, troubled, aloof, passionate, my kind of fantasy man.

fashiongirl said...

Hilarious post. My husband and I were just arguing about this the other night. He has Juliette Binoche, so I get George Clooney. Course I'm not telling him I also get Daniel Day Lewis (the Last of the Mohicans DDL), Ben Affleck (when he shaves), Denzel Washington and James McAvoy. :-)

Sarah's Fab Day said...

Ok, so here we go...
1. David Beckham - I agree no talky.
2. Jake Ryan - I have no idea what his real name is but who the hell cares.
3. Matthew Fox - Total fox!
4. Dylan McDermott - Haven't seen him in like years, but I watched The Practice to TV stalk him.
5. JT - Yes you Timberlake!

I am Trish Marie said...

I would so fight you for Vince.

Izzy said...

first time posting here - i had to seeing as we have some things in common:

1) ryan renolds (has been my #1 for-evah)

2) ryan gosling (that KISS in that movie)

3) john mayer (good lord, his voice)

4) vince vaughn (looks like he is very popular 'round here)

5) matthias (that stinky french guy on the hills last week. man, he ooozed of sex)

elaine said...

I heart Dave Grohl. The ultimate "understated" rockstar. God Bless him.

Great list my friend. Well done. The BB Player is hot. No, he's not the one I "dated" in college (well, that would be impossible since he's like 12).

xxoo

E

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Lately? Nigel Barker from ANTM. The bald head and sexay accent make me swoon.

Sarah's Fab Day said...

Oooh, Nigel Barker I heart you too! I think JT is out and Nigel is in.

The Nerdy Fashionista said...

1. Adam Levine (I know, he's a douchebag, but he's so friggin hot)

2. Christian Bale (how has he not gotten any love so far? He usually schools the other dudes on the free pass lists)

3. Apollo from Battlestar Galactica. Not Jamie Bamber, but specifically Apollo. Don't ask me why, or how this is going to be possible.

4 and 5 are guys I actually know in real life... god, how boring am !?

h said...

Women, what is the matter with all of you? Where is JOSH HOLLOWAY in all these lists? Works me - yesterday, today and tomorrow.
Secondly, SGM I have to ask you to seriously reconsider ur decision not to recap The Hills. I soooo think you should. Do it for Spencer.

Jen said...

Long time reader, first time commenter (oh, I crack myself up!)

We totally have the same taste, so I had to comment! Ok, here's mine:

1) John Mayer - I've actually met him twice, but didn't manage to get over my nervousness to get my hump on. Next time it's totally on! (also, I know all the words to Comfortable - do you know the words to In Your Atmosphere? I totes win!)

2) Vince Vaughn - I don't care how chubby he gets, I'd do him anyway.

3) Ryan Reynolds - Always gorgeous.

4) Ryan Goslig - There's just something that oozes manly sexuality out of that guy.

5) The guy who plays Henry on Ugly Betty. I LOVE those stupid rectangle emo glasses. They're my weakness.

Mrs. Blandings said...

Clooney. But Mr. Blandings will not agree to the free pass - which one of my friends thinks is hilarious, because it implies that he thinks George might really take me up on it. Which he does. That's why I love him. But it's still Clooney.

Anonymous said...

Oh jeez, that's like saying "favorite color: blue" or "favorite ice cream flavor: vanilla." Originality, Blandy! Look into it.

Hillary's Sniper said...

The world is full of gorgeous men when you stop and think about it.

In no particular order:

1) Matt Damon - His smile kills me. I love his intense Jason Bourne character. I love a man with endurance. It turns me on.

2) Taye Diggs - I just saw "The Best Man" on cable last weekend. Great scene with Taye in his boxers. Incredible body. He's chiseled from head to toe. So sexy!

3) Colin Farrell - He can bring his dirty sailor mouth to my place anytime and I expect him to use it. I forgive him for all the skanks he's slept with. It's not his fault, he was probably drunk at the time.

4) Benicio del Toro - I'm repulsed and attracted to him at the same time. Maybe because half the time he looks hung over and in need of a good bath. He's still welcome to use my shower anytime.

5) Johnny Depp - I want him to come over to my house dressed up as his character from the movie Don Juan DeMarco. I want him to wear the cape, boots and mask. He must stay in character! *big sigh*

CashmereLibrarian said...

I picked reggie bush because I wanted
a football god and I thought if he's good enough for Kim Kardashian, he's good enough for me but upon second thought cross him off I really want Johnny Depp and afterwards I want him to hand-roll me some tobacco as he is wont to do.
There now.

Q.S. said...

Oh dear... So bad, but soooo good! In no particular order, because lets be honest, if any of these guys said the word, I would be ready!
1. Christian Bale- Nerdy Fashionista. Have you seen Newsies? The beginning of my love. Christian singing and dancing. Swoon!
2. Iaon Gruffud- Hot Welsh guy from Fantastic Five. Dumb movie, but I have loved him from Titanic (he was fifth officer Lowe "is anyone alive out there" guy, and from Burberry ads.)
3. Hugh Jackman- His hottness speaks for itself
4. Brad Pitt- Ubiquitous, but yes.
5. George Clooney- No explanation needed!
Bring it on fella's!

alis said...

OMG q.s. I saw Newsies - that movie made Christian Bale my second big crush after Johnny Depp (in Don Juan DeMarco)!

sgm, our tastes seem to be completely opposite. Isn't the free pass for like 1 day only? I don't wanna spend that limited time with a funny fella with a jigglin' belly.

anyways, my list of ribbed abs:
1.Lenny Kravitz -I refuse to believe he's short! My Lenny is 6' tall. The ultimate sexy. especially here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4dGfwa6FKA

2.Johnny Depp - If I ever run into him without a free pass I can never live with myself.

3.Paul Walker- Fuckin hot, that's the only reason. And also he seems like a dog person. The only blond that makes me gasp.

4.Gerard Butler - but ONLY as King Leonidas in 300 (spartans), with the dark skin 'n all.

5.ummm some random guy from E!'s "sexiest latin lovers list" will do. or ryan reynolds or mark wahlberg. Abs and tallness are my only criteria.

Habitually Chic said...

I don't know how I could possibly pick just five! But I'll try.

1. Daniel Craig - It was love at first sight when I saw him in Layer Cake. He looks even better in it than Casino Royale! Rent it now!
2. James McEvoy - he's a little too short and skinny but that voice makes me swoon. Dreamy!
3. Roger Federer - He looks so cute in his tennis whites! And he's obviously in shape!
4. Ryan Gosling - There is something about that scruff and the new nose that gets to me.
5. Pretty much any other man with an accent including Hugh Grant, Christian Bale, Clive Owen, Jamie Oliver, Jude Law and Robbie Williams.

And in the what was she thinking catagory there is Kid Rock but only during the Sheryl Crow time period. I don't think I could touch him after he's been with Pam. Ewww.

SGM said...

Alis, excellent point, but if Vince Vaughn put the moves on me, I would melt. I wouldn't care about the belly.

Trish Marie, put up your dukes. I would totally fight for him.

Nerdy Fash--my dr. looks like Adam Levine. Not even kidding, and it makes me nervous around him.

Anon, get off Mrs. B's case.
Clooney is a looker. What are your names?

Habitually, I am about to devastate you. I think Kid Rock only sang a duet with Cheryl. I don't think they were ever a couple. I was also looking desperately for someone with an accent, but couldn't think of anyone. If there's ever an opening on my list (i.e. John Mayer gets kicked off again), James McAvoy is ON.

For all of you Josh Holloway people, his wife's name is YESSICA. wtf.

Jen, I do not know the words to In Your Atmosphere. Didn't even know it existed. Dammit.

SGM said...

Holy shit, SGM has just changed the rules and it's now Free Pass 6 because I just watched that Lenny Kravitz video that alis linked to.
Is it hot in here? Jesus.

muranogirl said...

So funny!
Ok, if there's 6 then I must add
Julian McMahon to my list!

Jen said...

In Your Atmosphere is an amazing song he's only played live (no official release), but it's an amazing song - supposedly about J.Lo.Hew.

Oh man, I watched Becoming Jane like 6 times SOLELY for the hotness that is James McAvoy. Holy crikey, he's gorgeous.

The Nerdy Fashionista said...

SGM, Kids Got Hitched's twin brothers-in-law kind of look like Adam Levine, which resulted in me almost getting into very bad trouble with one of them at her wedding.

Jennifer said...

If it's a free pass 6, then I'm adding Justin Timberlake to that list. Because have you seen him move? That mf knows what he's doing. And it is, after all, all about me. Mememememememememeeeeeeeeee!

Gin said...

BOO-YAH!
Tag, you’re it!

alis said...

julian mc mahon, i totally forgot about him! he's definitely my 6th too! "charmed" demon era though, I like him best when he's shooting fireballs.

Petunia Face said...

I am late to the party with my comment but I'd like to claim Matt Dillon as my own. Not present day Matt but Matt from 80's movies like Little Darlings, My Bodyguard and The Outsiders. Then there's also a young Robert Redford from The Great Gatsby and I don't usually go for blonds.
And even though I am not a lesbian I think it's important to know who your lesbian pick would be should you ever switch over. And mine? Salma Hayek.
Thank you for asking.

jen said...

1,2,& 3-Ewan McGregor. He of the large unit and amazing smile.

4. James McAvoy. Again, loving the Scottish.
5. Johnny Depp, in character from Chocolat

Bonus Lesbian Encounter: Jodi Foster

SGM said...

LOVE the bonus lesbian pick! Wish I would have thought of that. And Johnny the gypsy--good one.

Dumbwit Tellher ♥ said...

How dare you open such a can of worms...my mind is running a'muck!
1.Gerard Butler - P.S. I Love You Gerard....
2.David O'Hara - from the MatchMaker. He has to repeat his line "You are so very Mary Tyler Moore".
3. Hugh Jackman can be singing show tunes (wearing his chaps from Australia) in my bdrm anytime.
4.Daniel Craig - in his tiny weenie (not actually "weenie" however) swim suit a'la Bond movie.
5.Hugh Grant or James Mcavoy..hummmm..how about a tag team as I can't decide?

Dumbwit Tellher ♥ said...

Now you tell me there six!! I dibs Jude Law then - BEFORE the Nanny debacle, ewwww.

*moggit girls said...

This is some funny shit! lol

J&J

Brittany said...

Somehow, I never commented on this!

And I'm going to desperately try to narrow this down to 5, and we'll pretend to be in a parallel universe for some of these boys.

1. Tim Curry. But Tim Curry seventies, and not Rocky Horror him, because that would simply be messy, what with all the makeup and fake eyelashes.

2. James McAvoy. I can't even retain any sort of composure when he speaks. Oh my goodness.

3. Alan Cumming. Sure, he's got a husband, but he's got the accent as well and something about his slight awkwardness gets me.

4. Alan Rickman. Gorgeous. No idea why I think so, but I do.

5. And then there's the toss up between Neil Patrick Harris and Anderson Cooper. Both gorgeous, both gay...what am I to do?

tippytoes said...

Reviving an oldie (but goodie)

Tom Ford--the man will dress you in style and I could look at him FOR DAYS!!

Gabriel Aubry--Even Halle Berry wants to have this man's babies. Okay?

Vince Vaughn--which sooo proves that women need a sense of humor to be turned on. I watch Zoolander just for his cameo! (Though the movie, itself, has me in stitches...every time!)

Jonathan Rhys Meyers--only after I saw him in Woody Allen's "Match." Now I'd rather be LUCKY than GOOD! I totally rooted for him as "the bad guy" in that film. Watch the movie!!!

David Duchovny--I never watched the X Files or Red Shoe Diaries and I am sad to say I haven't paid attention to "Californication" or even his sex addiction, but this man is SMOKIN'. (Maybe it was his hand model role in Zoolander??)

And for the double-secret-I'd_never-go-there-but-you-insist-on-a-lesbian-pick? DUH!! Michelle Obama and a year ago, I wasn't even a Dem so don't give me the political crap!!

Arms like hers...planting a garden in her spare time, feeding the hungry...AND she gets her husband to look at her like THAT when they dance? I am not a HATER. I want IN on that program. GOBAMA!! Oh, yeah, and she wore Jimmy Choos the day of the Inauguration. **LOVE**

tippytoes said...

UGH!!! The Movie is MATCH POINT . Rent it and watch Jonathan Rhys Meyers. YUM!!

The Lil Bee said...

Mine: Vince Vaughn (dingdingding!), Brody Jenner (don't judge. STOP it, stop judging), Matt Sanchez (google him. you might wet your pants), Taylor Kitsch (OK, maybe I have a thing for athletes? or actors that play athletes?!), and Taylor Hawkins of Foo Fighters.

Anonymous said...

crazy idea i know but how do u think credit cruch affected porn?


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