Friday, January 11, 2008

Dear John

I was about to do a post admitting that I have this itty bitty crush on you, but then when I was searching for an nice picture of you on Perez, I decided that I think we're better as friends. I mean, there was post after post of you doing weird things, like making gooey eyes at Jessica Simpson:

Do you cringe when you see that? Me too!

And then there were all of these little jokes you do for the paps. For example:

No, no, listen. I get your sense of humor and many times I think that you're quite funny. But sometimes I just think that you're trying too hard--putting on too much of a show, you know? It didn't help matters when I saw this post about how Adrian Greiner picks up girls and it made me queasy and a little hesitant to become emotionally involved with a celeb.

It's all very strangely coincidental, actually. Did you see that episode of Entourage where Vinny picks up this girl in a bookstore and they go to a hotel and have fantastic sex? And then later, when he asks if they can get together again, she says no. Her reason: she's engaged and her fiance gave her a free pass should she ever have the chance to sleep with Vinny Chase.

Well, John, immediately prior to this post, I had you lined up to be my "free pass" person. I believe my husband's exact words to me on the subject were "if you can manage to 'hit that', then go right ahead. I'll even watch the kids." He obviously thinks that I couldn't swing it, but hello, Marky Mark rapped my name 16 years ago. Pop stars like me! He also thinks that you're gay. Don't take it personally, John. I think he's just jealous that you had dirty sex with Jess.

Bottom line is, I'll be using my free pass with another celeb. No, please. No begging; I've made up my mind. However, if you want me to be the subject of Your Body is a Wonderland Part 2, I'll be okay with that as long as you don't mention my cellulite or muffin top. And you can be assured that I'll always listen to your music with much fondness, but in a very platonic way.

I'm sorry I had to do this on the blog. I know it's a total a-hole move, but I just couldn't face telling you in person or even on the phone. Plus your agent wouldn't give me your address or cell number. Please know that I still care for you as a person and hope we can still be friends.



Elaine said...

OMG! I was just out for a walk with Baby G (like an hour ago) and I started thinking about the fact that I should do a post about my 5 top "free passes" and that Marky Mark would be my number one free pass! I knew I liked you the minute I read your blog.

I MUST hear the about your encounter with Marky Mark. I'm so jealous. In my former life, I'm sure that I lived in South Boston.



JJ said...

It's ok, John would have dumped you via his blog too.

I had to break up with him when he first started poking Jessica. Once my eyes were finally open, I remembered that he once poked J. Lo. Hewitt, too. It's been sort of a love/hate thing ever since.

I wish him well. Despite his whole money/fame thing, I think I'm doing better than he is. (He just dumped Minka Kelly.)

Now the whole Adrien Grenier thing is gross yet mysteriously hot. Hm. I might have to look into this.

Leah said...

I would post a semi-intelligent comment, but I'm too busy wiping up the coffee that came flying out of my nose when I read this.

Anyway, I might've been tempted to "hit that" at one point in my life, but unfortunately I've since heard Mr. Mayer's music.


Anonymous said...

His face is going to age so badly.

amber said...

I'm prety sure your post just made my day. We must have the same taste in men...Marky Mark, John & Adrien, I'm right there with you.

SGM said...

Elaine, I definitely want to read about your top 5! What is it about Mark Wahlberg? I mean, he's short! But he's kind of serious and dangerous looking. I like that.
JJ, I know. I was afraid to admit that I would have probably said "Sure!" to Adrien if he picked me up like that.
Leah, who is your free pass then? Coffee out the nose sounds kind of hot and painful! :)
Anon, I hope so.
Amber, maybe they come as a set?

Leah said...

I have a few: Viggo Mortensen, Joaquin Phoenix, Ryan Gosling, Michael Pitt, John Cusack, Clive Owen ...

As if.



Pigtown-Design said...

what's up with jessica's hair. pretty ratty looking.

Anonymous said...

Oh SGM, you are way too good for John Mayer. Way. I am happy you've booted him from your booty list. Now Marky Mark--mmmmm. I feel it, feel it.

SGM said...

Leah, you never know! It could happen, so just make sure you get it all lined-up in advance with your husband!
PD, it's those disgusto extensions she's hawking.
Peuntia face, I think I love you. Glad you're back in town.

Richie Designs said...

oh you know I've done a John Mayer post too!!! our top 5 dream land list...all the men are sweet and lovely, on top of wanting all of our late-30-something arses.

Adrian is cute enough to make it to my top 5 list too. even if he's a pig -because again...they are great lovely men [or would be so amazed by moi that they would turn their lives around just for me]

I must be smoking crack...I'm such a dreamer...

JJ said...

Leah - Murder By numbers. Ryan Gosling AND Michael Pitt. I know you've seen it... yum.

Leah said...

JJ -- I actually saw that stinker in the *theater* the weekend it came out, thanks to my sort of pathetic crush on those two beautiful boys ...

Speaking of boys, is it kind of pervy for a thirty-ohmygod!, married, mother of two to be fantasizing about strapping young men who are barely out of their teens?

Just askin'.


Leah said...

P.S. Aside from John Mayer's icky taste in women, my husband says he read in the newspaper that Mr. Mayer is a Republican.

Just so you all know.


Who Sees the Seven... said...

I am still laughing over the idea of a "My Body is a Wonderland Part 2"...and I really did like the first one. For some reason Adrien doesn't do it for me. Now the cuteness that is Bryan Greenberg (of the terrible and ridiculously bad show 'October Road' & of the fantastic movie 'Prime')? Now HE gets me going. Check him out if you haven't already. You might be asking your husband for another "to hit".

Anonymous said...

Johnboy is going to end up looking like an elderly Warren Beatty, who already is turning into Liberace.

Mrs. Blandings said...

I asked Mr. Blandings if I could have a "free pass" on George Clooney and he said no. Indignant, "I can't believe you would ask me such a thing, no." When I told my friends she said, "You should be so flattered; he actually thinks you have a chance with George Clooney."

I don't?

Anonymous said...

Blandy: Post a photo and we'll be the judge.

SGM said...

Leah, if loving a 20 something is wrong, then I don't wanna be right.
Richie, I'm going to look for your JM post.
Mrs. B, that is TOTALLY what Mr. B's refusal means. Been waiting for Clooney's name to pop up!
Who sees, I will check him out. I need to get my free pass(es) in order.
To anon, my husband argues that if JM were not famous, girls would not be at all interested b/c he's not cute. Interesting theory.
And to all, Adrian is muy muy swarthy, but I am in love with his Vinny Chase character. I wonder how much time time he spends with his waxer?

Anonymous said...

If ever there was a thread that required the word "douchy" in every response, it'd be this one. Even Johnboy calls himself a "self-important douchebag" (this after Googling himself and reading the results).

PS: Vince is the only one on Entourage I wouldn't fuck. Just sayin'.

mystic rose said...

I just chanced on your blog, and I so love it. I cant remember when I laughed so much :)

SGM said...

Anon, you would do Drama before Vinny?! And what about Ari? Hmmm. I might do Ari before Vinny. He is strangely hot.

Thanks, Mystic Rose! :)

S. said...

Ari and Drama? Sure. But Turtle? TURTLE...?

Don't forget that JM, while apparently a rather decent guy, allegedly has a thing for Golden Showers. The giving, not the receiving, thereof.

Just so you all know.

Anonymous said...


(I exclude A.G. mostly because he's the worst actor, and he's built like a hotdog.)

Anonymous said...

PS: I love that we've created a whole alternate-universe of "design" blogs that never ONCE mention Diana Vreeland or Sister Parish or any of that mess.

mad world said...

My free pass has been approved by my husband, and it is with Matthew McConaughey. I know, I know, he did it with Penelope Cruz for a while, but there is just something about him. I will even watch the worst movies just to get a glimpse of him. I am pretty sure that I was next in line with him, but he got that other gal preggers so he'll be the man and stay with her, I respect that.

Jackie Von Tobel said...

You are too funny, I laugh and I laugh and then I read some more and then I laugh again. You are great therapy ( and much cheaper than a psychiatrist)!! Keep it up.

Leah said...

Umm, you saw this, right?

I just think he tries too hard.