Wednesday, January 2, 2008

My Unnatural Hatred of Ann Taylor and other Strong Emotions Experienced at the Mall

I went to the mall last weekend, and part of me wasn't happy about it for the obvious reasons: it was packed, I had returns, and I was bound to spend more money. The other part was happy because, well, I was bound to spend more money.

First stop, Anthropologie. I'd like to thank the 20 year old cashier for not being snotty about my returns. I appreciate that, truly. Then I was off to browse, and I spied these:


and I stared at them for 10 seconds, which is a freaking eternity considering my Anthropologie-induced ADHD. It's an ecosphere, a little self-contained, self-sustaining world of tiny baby organisms that move and swim right before your very eyes. Alas, it was $248, so it was not to be mine (but fyi, (In)side the Loop found smaller versions for less at Brookstone). The picture is beautiful, and I assure you that the ecospheres are even more beautiful and fascinating in real life. I'd like to point out that I did not spend a single penny at Anthro. In fact, I made money due to my returns.

Second stop, Pottery Barn. Guess what? I had a 3+ year old gift card (actually it was a paper gift certificate because there were no PB gift cards in 2004) and I was determined to redeem it, even if it meant I had to throw down with the manager. After walking around for approximately one hundred years, I finally found a lovely pillow. In fact, I think it is BB8's Lovey pillow. I braced myself, walked up to the register and handed the cashier my gift certificate and said "I think I'm about to complicate things for you." She looked at it and said, "No you're not," and proceeded to let me pay with a gift certificate older than my 3 year old child (which they damn well should have because there was no expiration date). It totally threw me off. Thank you Pottery Barn. Thank you for not challenging me, because while I was ready to pull the hair of your manager, I really didn't want to.

Then I went to Banana Republic and proceeded to spend all of the money that I had earned at Anthropologie. Just basics--straight denim skirt (to wear with my new BOOTS), cream-colored skinny cords (also to wear with my BOOTS. BR insists that they're boot cut, but not in my book and anyhow, they're going back because they look cheap) and a black sweater (which I'm not even going to link to because it looks like crap on the website. God, BR, would you please invest some money on the website?!).

I wasn't really ready to go home, so I engaged in my own form of mall torture. I went into Ann Taylor. I hate it there. I hate the clothes, I hate their merchandising, I hate the way it smells. I cannot trace the roots of my hatred exactly, but think that it started when several years ago, the most matronly and unattractive (personality-wise) woman in my office proclaimed her love for all things AT. I now see the whole store through dirty, stinky-colored glasses. I do not have this issue with Ann Taylor Loft; they are free to exist and sell and prosper. But Ann Taylor proper can burn to the ground. If you buy from Ann Taylor, I beg you not to hang your head in shame or be angry with me. Please, please know that this is my own personal issue, a sort of sgm kryptonite, and that I am aware that my feelings are slightly irrational. I'm sure that many decent and attractive people wear AT clothes. Its website is better than Banana Republic's; I'll grant it that much.

While I was in Ann Taylor, my husband called with the urgent message that our 3 year-old was CRYING and that I'd better come home with my soothing skills before he had to call 911. Normally I might be a bit annoyed with this request, but not this time because he was still coasting on the goodwill garnered from buying me the Heidi Montag Us magazine before Christmas.

Before I sign off, I'd like to go ahead and admit my love for and sometimes inappropriate use of parentheses. I used 8 pairs in this post, which is a lot, but that's who I am, man. Like it or leave it.

For further reading on malls, I direct you to this, one of the funniest things I have ever read on the web.

18 comments:

mamacita said...

I HATE THE SMELL AT ANN TAYLOR, TOO! Oh my God, I thought it was just me.

BTW, that skirt is gonna look great with those boots.

Jamie Meares said...

i'll accept your parenthesis, and challenge you to also includes hyphens. they open up a whole new world of punctuating. its like an = but less.

two summers ago - every wedding i went to, at leat 3 girls had on the same damn ann taylor dress. awful.

Brilliant Asylum said...

Ha. I think Ann Taylor and the Nanner have the exact same smell. Someone told me it is because everything is shipped from China on the same boat with tea cargo. I have an unreasonable, hypocritical hatred of both stores, as am still a regular patron. Even as I write this I am wrapped in a cashmere blankety thing that I bought 9 years ago at Ann Taylor.

Petunia Face said...

I lump Ann Taylor in with Talbots and Chico's. I don't think I would go into any of those stores if my hair were on fire and they had the only water bottles in the mall.

Abby said...

haha i have to laugh outloud at this one. I am so addicted to blogs thanks to Jamie Meares (see comment on this actual page!). I found your blog through another through another and i have pretty much read every post and and Loved every one!
i didn't even notice your excessive use of parenthesis...is that a bad thing?

SGM said...

Mamacita, thank you for reaffirming the bad smell at AT. I thought it was just me too.
Jamie, I beat my hyphen addiction last year (thus my switch to parens). But I could totally get back into it.
BA, what's the Nanner? I must avoid it.
PF, ON THE MONEY! Fucking Chicos. The day I shop there is the day I give up on life.
Abby, thanks for your nice comment, and thanks for being a codependent and ignoring my parens addiction. :)

Brilliant Asylum said...

Pardon my ridiculous abreviation of Banana Republic. It is what my roomate and I used to call it and I can't seem to shake it.

SGM said...

Oh God, BA! I am laughing so hard at that! I love it. The Nanner. And actually, you're right, it does kind of smell in there. But it is missing the scent of the stinky new Ann Taylor parfum.
The Nanner. Jesus.

decorno.blogspot.com said...

I didn't get Nanner until I read further down in comments and now I am laughing my ass off.

SGM... you should GET PAID to write this kind of shit every day. The title alone of this post is pure comedy. Seriously. Whatever your real jobby job is, it's not the right one. You were made for this.

SGM said...

I started laughing spontaneously tonight during a movie. Why? The Nanner. And the fact that BA didn't even realize she was using that term. I'm laughing NOW. OUT LOUD. At 1 A.M.
Decorno, I'm just your cheap suburban knock-off and you know it! Thanks for the love, you know it is mutual.

alis said...

hilarious post! I knew I could count on decorno to link fun blogs!

gosh.. i hate de-shopping. I am the most indecisive shopper in the world, not only it takes me a freaking hour to decide between 2 sweaters, but the struggle continues until I cut the tags off(up to a month, that is). I wish some stores had a service like instant messaging the pictures of the items i'm thinking of buying to someone whose opinion I trust(mom, boyfriend).

amber said...

that post was hillarious, laughed at my computer the screen the whole way through. I agree 100% regarding weird Ann Taylor and her odd shaped linen dress clothes that look totally different in her ads than in actuality. however...I'm not going to lie. I was on a vest hunt, you know the kind, not-too-puffy and with a hood, to wear with long sleeve T's and jeans. Wouldn't you know it, that's where I found the one. I sure hope "petunia face" (a good friend of mine) doesn't light my hair on fire!

Haley said...

Ann Taylor. So terrible. So true. Coma inducing outfits. A sad attempt at "classic", but only hitting at "permanently boring." Eternity trapped in Ann Taylor could potentially be just as bad as having to endure Burning Man for the rest of my life - where people "barter" ,participate in group sex, and shower themselves in dust. It's a tough call.

The Nerdy Fashionista said...

so happy to discover I am not the only one with a pathological loathing of Ann Taylor! Just the fact that there is no "e" in Ann is enough to make me hate it.

Anonymous said...

BTW those eco-spheres are just jazzed up sea monkeys don't let anthro fool you :)

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Anonymous said...

Ladies - little do you know how Ann Taylor, Loft and their Outlet divisions see their customers. The clothes are so - so, under the guise of fashion, and customers equate to numbers that have to be met. Sales, conversion, credit card goals all have to be met or people are threatened with their jobs and livelihood. Never mind we are in an economic slump, never mind that Americans have too much credit - no matter at all, Ann must have its profit. To be sure your unreasonable hatred pales next to mine.