Setting the Record Straight

As a longtime fan . . . er, viewer, of The Real Housewives of Orange County, I'd like to shed some light on the true natures of some of the cast members. It's easy to stereotype these women because of their blonde hair and extravagant lifestyles, but I'm here to tell you that they are much more complicated than they seem and cannot be shoved into neat little packages. In this post, I hope to dispell some common misconceptions about Housewives Lauri, Vicki and Quinn.

Misconception #1: Lauri is stupid.


No. In fact, she's quite the opposite. I'm telling you, she's running circles around the rest of us. For example, last night when she was talking about how her life has changed since meeting fiance George, she said, "my life has taken a 360 degree turn." I'm sure many viewers thought "doesn't she mean a 180?" or "bless her heart" (see previous post), but not me. I understand Lauri's type of genius. What she was really saying was this: she used to be happy and really rich, then she divorced (twice) and became sad and destitute, and now she is again happy and really rich. Full circle, right? 360, just like she said.

Another example: last season when Lauri was shown getting ready to attend a Republican fundraiser with George, she said something along the lines of "George is a Republican, so I guess I'm a Republican. I'm not sure what that really means, though . . . " and she has a nervous giggle and tapers off into silence. I'm telling you, Lauri's thinking is right up there with the greatest philosophers of all time. What is being a Republican? Does anyone really know? Deep.

Just because Lauri has blond hair, a fake tan and grotesque implants, DO NOT think that you know who she is. You do not. She is a thinker, and hopefully that will be her legacy on this show.

Misconception #2: Vicki is not A Giver


Near the end of Season 2, when Lauri is given some sort of zillion dollar Mercedes as a surprise gift from George, Vicki puts on a big show of acting so thrilled for Lauri. But then in her voice-over, she admits "Yes. I am jealous. I've had to work for everything I've ever had and Lauri just gets it handed to her on a silver platter."

Okay, things get a little convoluted here, so bear with me. At Lauri's bridal shower, which aired last night, Vicki delivers a beautiful toast and talks about how George is so nice, and Lauri is the greatest and they deserve all of the happiness in the world. In her voice-over, she says "I meant every word I said. I'm a giver." I'm sure that many viewers rolled their eyes and thought, "oh, she's just trying to make up for all that mean shit she said about Lauri before." Plus, there is not a more phony utterance in the English language than "I'm a giver." Usually it means "I am a taker, and I will not hesitate to suck you dry with my incessant fast-talking and screaming." But Vicki? She was absolutely telling the truth. Did you see the makeover she gave her assistant? Turning her into a mini-Vicki, complete with blond hair, boob-revealing clothes and Brazilian wax? That was not cheap. She also gave her daughter Brianna a Mercedes out of the blue. Who cares about ulterior motives. Vicki is A Giver.

Misconception #3: Quinn is a useless and bizarre addition to the show

This is actually true. Quinn, I'm sure you were invited to be a member of the cast, but I don't for the life of me understand why. You seem very sweet and all, but you don't fit in. I don't understand how you survive (do you have a job? a home?) and I don't think you've had any plastic surgery (and honey, you either need a lift or you need to cover up some of your 8 inches of cleavage). I just don't get why you are on this show. Oh--one more thing--give up on your golf pro who won't answer you when you ask "are you my boyfriend." Haven't you ever seen Sex and the City? He's just not that into you. Plus he corrects your grammar. You're too old for that crap. Lose him.


As far as I can tell, there are no misconceptions about Jeana, Tamra or Tammy. What you see is what you get. Jeana is happy to be losing 180 pounds (in the form of her husband), Tamra is a self-described Botox-junkie, and Tammy is pretty but irrelevant. If any of this changes, you will be the first to know.

If you have any questions or comments about prejudice suffered by the Real Housewives and their ilk, please feel free to leave them in the comments section and I will address them in order.

Thank you,
SGM
Real Housewives of Orange County Expert