Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Setting the Record Straight

As a longtime fan . . . er, viewer, of The Real Housewives of Orange County, I'd like to shed some light on the true natures of some of the cast members. It's easy to stereotype these women because of their blonde hair and extravagant lifestyles, but I'm here to tell you that they are much more complicated than they seem and cannot be shoved into neat little packages. In this post, I hope to dispell some common misconceptions about Housewives Lauri, Vicki and Quinn.

Misconception #1: Lauri is stupid.


No. In fact, she's quite the opposite. I'm telling you, she's running circles around the rest of us. For example, last night when she was talking about how her life has changed since meeting fiance George, she said, "my life has taken a 360 degree turn." I'm sure many viewers thought "doesn't she mean a 180?" or "bless her heart" (see previous post), but not me. I understand Lauri's type of genius. What she was really saying was this: she used to be happy and really rich, then she divorced (twice) and became sad and destitute, and now she is again happy and really rich. Full circle, right? 360, just like she said.

Another example: last season when Lauri was shown getting ready to attend a Republican fundraiser with George, she said something along the lines of "George is a Republican, so I guess I'm a Republican. I'm not sure what that really means, though . . . " and she has a nervous giggle and tapers off into silence. I'm telling you, Lauri's thinking is right up there with the greatest philosophers of all time. What is being a Republican? Does anyone really know? Deep.

Just because Lauri has blond hair, a fake tan and grotesque implants, DO NOT think that you know who she is. You do not. She is a thinker, and hopefully that will be her legacy on this show.

Misconception #2: Vicki is not A Giver


Near the end of Season 2, when Lauri is given some sort of zillion dollar Mercedes as a surprise gift from George, Vicki puts on a big show of acting so thrilled for Lauri. But then in her voice-over, she admits "Yes. I am jealous. I've had to work for everything I've ever had and Lauri just gets it handed to her on a silver platter."

Okay, things get a little convoluted here, so bear with me. At Lauri's bridal shower, which aired last night, Vicki delivers a beautiful toast and talks about how George is so nice, and Lauri is the greatest and they deserve all of the happiness in the world. In her voice-over, she says "I meant every word I said. I'm a giver." I'm sure that many viewers rolled their eyes and thought, "oh, she's just trying to make up for all that mean shit she said about Lauri before." Plus, there is not a more phony utterance in the English language than "I'm a giver." Usually it means "I am a taker, and I will not hesitate to suck you dry with my incessant fast-talking and screaming." But Vicki? She was absolutely telling the truth. Did you see the makeover she gave her assistant? Turning her into a mini-Vicki, complete with blond hair, boob-revealing clothes and Brazilian wax? That was not cheap. She also gave her daughter Brianna a Mercedes out of the blue. Who cares about ulterior motives. Vicki is A Giver.

Misconception #3: Quinn is a useless and bizarre addition to the show

This is actually true. Quinn, I'm sure you were invited to be a member of the cast, but I don't for the life of me understand why. You seem very sweet and all, but you don't fit in. I don't understand how you survive (do you have a job? a home?) and I don't think you've had any plastic surgery (and honey, you either need a lift or you need to cover up some of your 8 inches of cleavage). I just don't get why you are on this show. Oh--one more thing--give up on your golf pro who won't answer you when you ask "are you my boyfriend." Haven't you ever seen Sex and the City? He's just not that into you. Plus he corrects your grammar. You're too old for that crap. Lose him.


As far as I can tell, there are no misconceptions about Jeana, Tamra or Tammy. What you see is what you get. Jeana is happy to be losing 180 pounds (in the form of her husband), Tamra is a self-described Botox-junkie, and Tammy is pretty but irrelevant. If any of this changes, you will be the first to know.

If you have any questions or comments about prejudice suffered by the Real Housewives and their ilk, please feel free to leave them in the comments section and I will address them in order.

Thank you,
SGM
Real Housewives of Orange County Expert

24 comments:

Whitney said...

You hit the nail right on the head - bravo (no pun intended!)

Pigtown-Design said...

every day, i thank god i don't have cable! uh... maybe i'd get it if ididn't have to pay lots extra for the bbc america channel.

mamacita said...

SGM, again, our minds are alike. May I humbly recommend to you the Dallas reruns airing on the Soap Opera Network every day at 3 a.m.? They are truly, truly awesome -- worth it for the clothes and hair ALONE. DVR it and you won't be sorry. I think I will like Real Housewives even more when it is in reruns twenty years from now and I can look upon it as a time capsule.

SGM said...

Thank you, Whitney.
P-D, my Bravo channel is bundled with BBC America. You need to work a better deal!
Mamacita, oh girl! I was such a huge Dallas fan in the early 80s. I could totally get back on that train. I like the idea as Housewives as a time capsule. Lord knows the implants alone would last a verrrry long time.

faithsalutes said...

Dude, I need some daughter commentary. Stat.

Quinn...lose her and give us more daughter drama.

Kate said...

Loved this post! So incredibly true. I can't help but be addicted even though I know I'm rotting my brain watching that trash.

Anonymous said...

I disagree with with Vicki. I think Lauri works hard for George's money. Can you imagine having to suck up to a boring and plain-looking guy like George?Think about the power imbalance in that relationship. If (When) he kicks her to the curb for a younger model, she's back in that tiny condo with her delinquent son and spoiled daughter (who also wants to suck from George's teat in the form of a real-estate job).

Mint Julep said...

Love it!
And I agree with anonymous. I doubt Lauri enjoys looking at George's 3 chins.

Brilliant Asylum said...

I am so glad that I have found someone that watches this show with the same level of attention. I loved that Ashley is expecting a car as her maid of honor gift--probably the only reason she offered to do the job in the first place.

How excited are we about Real Housewives of New York City? I Can't wait to see the brassy broads Bravo has lined up for part deaux of this franchise.

alcina said...

You are too funny!

You'd probably appreciate this blogger's post:

http://prettyontheoutside.typepad.com/gilmore/2008/01/the-real-housew.html

He's drawn some hilarious caricatures of Vicky.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who watches this show.
What is up with their love of faux Tuscany interiors?
The funniest part of the show for me was when Vicki was standing in her newly decorated house and she said "I feel like I am in Italy".

Habitually Chic said...

You crack me up! I hate to even admit that I get sucked into watching this train wreck! And I had no idea there was a New York City version in the works. I can only just imagine the conversations about dropping little Davis off at Dalton between Botox and personal trainer appointments. Lord help us all!

Paloma said...

I love this post as m uch as I like watching this trainwreck every Tuesday night. You are so right about all of them. Quinn does have the longest cleavage known to man (that is not a compliment)!

As far as the daughters go, Kara seems sweet and pretty normal, but Tammy's girls gross me out. Ick!

I had no idea that they had a New York version in the works. I bet that one will be even better. I can't wait! Does anyone know when it airs?

Things That Inspire said...

This is one show that I record faithfully every week, but feel like I am absolutely losing brain cells when I watch it. I truly feel as if I have wasted an hour of my life. Yet, I keep watching. Why???

Quinn is a very strange character, but I loved it when she went to that Botox party and the doctor told her she did not need anything on her face. I t reminded me of that old saying....you either sacrifice your ass or your face. If you focus on being skinny, your face looks wasted and old. If you focus on keeping your face plump and youthful, your ass gets huge.

amber said...

Between Quinn's long-as-the-mississippi cleavage and Lauri's freakish non-moving facial expressions, I do believe with the writer's strike in full force, this is the best television has to offer...sad, but very true.

oh! One more thing - my husband "ran into" Lauri when he was at a Home Show in Los Angeles last year, he said she was so strange looking, and of course that her boobs were gigantic (he couldn't leave that part out, now could he).

Sheri said...

Oh, I am addicted to this mess of a show. And don't tell him I told you, but my husband is, too. :D

I couldn't agree more with everything you had to say. Oh, and Quinn's cleavage has my stomach turning everytime I see her. I joke that she has a butt crack on her chest. :P

I can't wait to see what the New York cast has in store for us. Hey, what else do I have to look forward to with this writer's strike?

SGM said...

So many excellent comments! I feel the need to do a follow-up post because I'm dying to address them all. So many of you picked up on things that I thought were sooo funny but didn't mention.

Petunia Face said...

Oh I love this post, I love you. But you didn't mention Lauri's frozen face. Did she Botox her upper lip? Or did she have surgery to correct a cleft pallet? I truly cannot figure this one out. Somebody help me.

Kids Got Hitched said...

Oh, I love this show, too. It's kind of like watching the Discovery Channel. I'm soooooo excited for RHONYC. Do we think they'll choose similarly ridiculous people for this show, or will the class level be stepped up a notch due to the location? I kind of want the NYC bitches to meet the OC bitches for a showdown. I'm sure someone at Bravo has already imagined this.

beachbungalow8 said...

said golf pro,has a big toe for a nose.

beachbungalow8 said...

also, i'm sort of concerned, lauri has a cleft pallete. right? i mean we all 'get that' and we're sort of ok, little people big world, about it.

SGM said...

Sheri, I think "butt crack" every time I see Quinn's chest, thanks to you! Perfect comparison.
Petunia Face and BB8, YES on the cleft palette! I have always thought she had an issue with that, or just a very long distance from nose to mouth. Oh Lauri. And right on with the nose comment, BB8. He also has no upper lip.

Anonymous said...

it's for posts like this that i love you so much...from a "design blog" fan.

Dianna said...

oops, don't know how that happened
lauri is really a man. this ever cross anyone's mind?
jeana is very passive agressive
tammy is really the hottest, she just doesn't flaunt it like tamra
quinn -- so pathetic. so delusional about her looks
vicki is actually my favorite. don't know exactly why...I think it has to do with her earnestness.