Sunday, January 13, 2008

Beyonce makes a fool of me



I recently joined a gym and let me tell you, it has been a loooong time since I've been to the gym. The last time I set foot in a gym, mp3 players did not exist, so I was quite thrilled to strap on the ol' ipod and bounce my fat around to my own playlist. That is, until Beyonce's Irreplaceable came on. Oh my God, I am compelled to move to this song. Indeed, I have no choice but to move.

So picture me on the treadmill, a 36 year old white mother with a graduate degree, clenching her fists fighting to KEEP. IT. IN. while I hear "to the left, to the left . . . everything you own in the box to the left . . ." If you aren't familiar with this song, don't worry. I will post it at the bottom so that you will know the power that is Beyonce. Anyhow, I must move my head and shoulders in a leftward (is that a word?) motion when I hear "to the left, to the left." I also have lip-synch to this part, at the very least. And my hands, they have to be . . . out, fingers slightly apart, fully extended. I'm sure I looked like I was having a mini-seizure trying not to dance and sing with Beyonce.

And then after Irreplaceable? Gold Digger. That's right. Just try not dancing to Gold Digger. TRY IT. If you can remain still while listening to that song, well then I'll give you a trophy. A trophy that says "I am dead inside," because that is what you would be if you're not dancing to Kanye. I want to watch you when you hear "we want pre-nup, we want pre-nup, yeeeeeeeeeah," and see what you do. Myself, I have to be doing a "raise the roof" type of movement (similar to this person). It can be ever so slight, but it has to be there. It must be there or I will explode.

Please tell me that this is not my own psychological disorder (I think it would be classified with Tourette's). What songs have this type of effect on you? Besides Gold Digger, of course.



And now, I present to you: Irreplaceable. (fyi, the first 20 seconds or so are silence. Stick with it.)



18 comments:

S. said...

ah yes. PYT by pre-perv Michael Jackson and Crazy by Beyonce cast an evil spell upon me. They conjur up a cruel poltergeist, who inhabits my body and forces me to bust out some grotesquely lurching White Girl Moves.

Other songs possessing similar black voodoo magic include Rare Earth's I just want to Celebrate, Yannick's Ces Soirees-La and Jungle Love (oh wee oh wee oh!).

Jane E. said...

Okay, so I've got "To the left, to the left..." going on endless repeat in my head with snippets of Jamie Foxx cutting in every so often! And I agree with S. on adding "PYT" to the must-dance-to playlist.

Who Sees the Seven... said...

Wow, did you steal my "workout mix" because both of those are staples of mine! What else would you want to move to while on the treadmill (trying to make sure the towel doesn't slip off the bar and your water bottle doesn't go flying, all at the same time trying to not fall of the machine?!) and at the same time know that every trainer's eye is on you as well as that old dude jogging to your right? I recommend: "Stronger" by Kanye West, "Pass That Dutch" by Missy Elliott, and a little JT in the form of "Senorita" just for kicks. A couple of Britney tunes used to make me want to get up and dance, but I just can't get that image of her from the Grammy's out of my head. That and every other tabloid pic she gets caught in.

Gin said...

Dude, for me it's Beyonce's "Crazy In Love"...the little bridge part where she's all "OH oh OH oh OH oh, ohnono", and in the video she is shaking her ass in the most fascinating way...my sad, flat white girl booty suffers from Ass Shaking envy.
Another: "Canned Heat" by Jamiroquai. The song is about shaking it just because you just HAVE to...check it out.
And: "Gossip Folks" by Missy Elliot, because basically anything she does is effing amazing.
Last: "Toxic" by Britney. I am forced to the little circular movements around my boobs like she does as the sexy stewardess in the video.

JJ said...

@ gin: the thought of your little circle movements around your boobs makes me so happy.

E, I am going to somehow send you the ENTIRE new Britney album. The girls' batshit crazy but someone created a good workout album with her name on it. You MUST hear it.

Gin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gin said...

jj: Glad I could help. :)

Hannah said...

first of all, thanks so much for the link! second of all, i probably could have written this exact post verbatim, SUCH is the difficulty i have not dancing at the gym. this becomes increasingly difficult when i'm on the elliptical and thus my movements are constrained by the little foot holders. i can only imagine what i look like trying to "lean wit it" and "rock wit it" on one of those things.

Erin & Liann said...

OMG, I laughed out loud!.. My songs are Destination Unknown by Crystal Waters and Bleed it out by Linkin Park!... I've recieved many strange looks at stop lights because of my lack of restraint to jam out!!
-Liann

I am Trish Marie said...

Hahaha! My friend and I (before she was a complete hooker and moved 18 hours away) used to work out together everyday. We would get on the treadmills, a good song would come on, and we would dance while running. Oh yeah. I broke out the robot and the tootsie roll. There was safety in numbers. We were dancing together. Then one day I was by myself, my dancing song came on (Beyonce/Slim Thug, Check Up On It), AND I FORGOT SHE WASN'T NEXT TO ME. I broke out in a little dance. All by myself. I took that song off my playlist. It is dangerous.

Visual Smarts said...

You are a descriptive writing savant. I almost wet myself reading this post. My son looked up from the tv at me with a worried/scared look. I will never even make small groovin movements while listening to my ipod, while walking my dog alone, ever again without thinking of this.

librelife said...

Ah, you crack me up. I am tucked in bed with a 102 fever and having a good laugh.

I too have an affinity for this song and pretty much can not say "to the left" or hear anyone else say "to the left/to your left" without actually singing this 'lil ditty out loud. My sister has the same affliction.

I often "car dance" like mad when a certain song comes on (very rarely) that I do not actually know the name of or the artists but it is from the 70s, I think. Goes a little something like "Whip (?) it baby, yeah whip it right, whip it baby, whip it all night". Not the Devo song. Best part is when they say, "we both are here to have some fun so let it whip(or maybe rip)".

Sorry for the uber long comment. I blame Dayquil.

amber said...

so freakin' funny, yes, I too suffer from the doomed white-girl moves, and this morning was no exception. I took a 5:45am step/funk class at a new studio in town, so by 6am I was grooving to JT's "Sexy Back" like it was nobodies business. The downfall happened when I looked in the mirror: what felt like super groovy moves actually looked like straggly gyrations around a step platform. Oh well, at least the music put me in a good mood - now I have to listen to Beyonce and see if she stirs the same moves in me.

Anonymous said...

One of Beyonce's thighs could feed a starving family for a month.

Forever Chic said...

Ok, I may be late to this party but fuckin' "Call on Me" by Eric Prydz gets me every time. Call on meeeeeeee....call on me!

You MUST see the highly erotic video here:
http://tinyurl.com/26ja2a

Also, Madonna's latest album, a lot of N*Sync songs, "Makes me Wonder by Maroon 5,
"Murder on the Dance Floor" by Sophie Ellis Bextor...I could go on.

And what about "What is Love" by Haddaway, popularized by the cinematic masterpiece known as "Night at the Roxbury"? I've been in cars with perfect strangers and we've all flipped out when this song came on.

All the songs that make me break out in white-girl dance moves are consolidated in an iTunes playlist called Pants Pants Revolution. It has a good 80 or so songs on it.

mad world said...

OMG, I peed my pants reading that post. And, not only beacuse I know you, SGM, but beacuse I can TOTALLY picture you doing that dance!

The Nerdy Fashionista said...

"Makes Me Wonder" from the new Maroon 5. It's completely involuntary. And know that you're in good company--I remember a Fug Girls post recently where one of them confessed to involuntarily grooving to the Grammy-disaster Britney song.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

My Humps...by Fergie. I cannot hear this song without rollin my humps...