Wednesday, March 5, 2008

An Existential Crisis of Sorts

The evil Skeletor, aka Alex

After watching Real Housewives of New York City, my first instinct was to sell all of my belongings and move to some remote area of Canada. Or just put a bullet through my head. Seriously, this show has made me feel icky all day long. Current questions and concerns:

1) If Jill is so rich, she should be able to afford the best in hair care. Why then is her color so dreadful? I'm just some rube from that blank space between New York City and L.A., and even I can tell that it does not suit her. Kind of looks like a wig too.

2) Alex's "performance" last night put a big bulls-eye on her head. Terrorists, suburbanites, French au pairs, hotel workers in St. Bart's--they probably all want to torture and kill her, and I can't say that I'm upset about it. By the way, if you care to dislike her even more, check out her own personal obnoxious website and a family obnoxious website. What a douche (but for Alex, I will give it a French pronunciation, so that it rhymes with "touché"). Be sure to check out her resume. I hope she busts out that Cockney accent sometime on the show. Jesus.

Also, do you know how old Alex is? I was guessing early 40s. But no. She's 34.

3) What does Simon (Alex's husband) mean that they spent "more than five figures but less than six"? Is this some sort of nouveau-rich math? I think Brilliant Asylum said it perfectly in the comments section of my last post:
I love how that one couple spent "between 5 and 6 figures" on their Cavalli shopping spree and yet they live in a townhouse that looks like it was decorated by a college-age frat boy. Black leather sofas and a particle-board bookshelf full of DVD's in the living room? I expected better style from an obviously closeted husband. How do you say "social climbing posers" in French?
4) Ramona. Let's look into elocution lessons, and therapy for your daughter who will probably never recover from this experience. By the way, when she sees that part about the black thong with the green lace, she's going to throw up. For hours.

5) Bethenny. She acts normal, but the spelling of her name and the fact that she's on this show suggests she's not.

6) The Countess. She doesn't seem that bad, and her son Noel is completely adorable, but like Alex, I would suggest that she sleep with one eye open. That housekeeper is gonna blow if she gets one more responsibility foisted upon her.

I know that Real Housewives of NYC is on my beat and all, but I'm not sure if I can continue to watch. It's harming me on a spiritual level. Please excuse me while I drink some cool water and clean my kitchen in order to muster up the will to live on the same planet as these people (and watch the Project Runway finale tonight). See you later!


Hannah said...

Before I launch into how much alex fills my cold heart with rage, I must comment on your fleeting thought to move to remote Canada; DON'T DO IT. As a displaced American in this fine nation I can assure you that moving to Canada is a horrible decision, well at the moment at least. The Canadian dollar is whooping the American one so it's heartbreakingly expensive AND we still get Desperate Housewives just WEEKS LATE. So even though you tell yourself you don't want to watch this horrific shows you still end up watching them after weeks of "oh my god why is Canada so far behind?" pining. Anyways, excusing that mini rant, I concur that Alex is an evil skeletor and, as Mr. Tyra would say, she's got a mean case of the drag queen face. I guess drag queen+closeted gay man+thong bathing suits=happy marriage?

Jennifer said...

How many times do you think these fools utter the phrase "Don't you know who I am?" on a given day?

mamacita said...

Bethenny was the runner-up on the Martha Stewart version of The Apprentice. I liked her better than the woman who won, whose name was Dawna (no lie).

I forgot to watch the show, but Alex looks incredibly pretentious. She can't manage to say "I was an actress/waitress," she has to yammer on about the "hospitality industry." Also, FWIW, I doubt that they have as much money as they seem to. But, hey -- she was on Cyberchase, so that makes her an A-list celebrity in my house.

mamacita said...

Okay, I just watched Alex' "demo reel." First of all, holy shit, I think she rapes Ugly Betty! Secondly, do you suppose that's her cell number she put on there? Or her manager? That would be too, too awesome.

Jennifer said...

but the McCord van Kempens really only spend money on "good things" and they "put the boys to bed and get them up each morning almost all the time" (which is very important to them!), so they can't be that bad, right?!

what?! who ARE these people?!

Anonymous said...

I tried not to read your post because I haven't watched my Tivo'ed episode yet (tonight's the night!). But I couldn't resist and it was so worth it. Douche pronounced like touchay? I am going to have to steal that one. And yes, I do know how to spell touche with the accent on the 'e' but I am retarded and don't know how to do the accent thingie on this keyboard. Maybe that makes me a douche(ay)?

Habitually Chic said...

You crack me up! This is why I love Scented Glossy Magazines, although I feel like you need a new name if we are going to chat about crappy reality TV shows.

Anyway, Avery is my favorite on the show. She says what we all are thinking. I think we should all take up a collection for her therapy. She's definitely gonna need it!!!

zakary said...

This is sooo bad. That family website is hysterical! I really HATE her. (I know that's not nice, but she makes my skin crawl.)Those poor children!

Brilliant Asylum said...

I love Avery--she reminds me of Dakota Fanning's character in "Uptown Girls" (which apparently Alex McCord was in too).

I think we are all just having a little adjustment anxiety to the new chicks. I am sure we had a similar what-am-I-watching reaction back in 2006 when we first saw Slade Smiley practicing tae kwon doe in his boxer briefs and gel eye mask, but it got better--right?

Anonymous said...

Love and agree with everyone's comments!

I too am suspicious of Alex and her husband. Just went to Alex's husband's hotel website:
Can the site be any tackier? He did say, "an exclusive, luxury hotel", right?? Come on girlfriends, you all appreciate and adore design and decor but this place is as tacky as any other midtown Hilton, Milford Plaza or Ian Schrager cheap clone. I don't think the 5 or 6 figure Cavalli shopping sprees are coming from his paycheck.

While talking into the camera, and glued at the hip, these two made certain to watch every word come out of each other's mouths. Making damned sure they say all the right things. I guess when creating a guise they have to be on the same page!

Leah said...

I have to second Hannah's warning... this show is no reason to up and move to Saskatchewan or Manitoba or whatever the fuck is in between BC and Quebec. In the end, suffering through it is probably marginally less irritating than hearing Canadians butcher the pronunciation of words like "taco" and "bagel" on a daily basis. (Of course, turning off the TV is not even an option in this equation.)

decorno said...

How did I miss this??? I not only missed your last 3 posts, I didn't even know this show was in production. Holy crap. I need to catch up. And if there are hateful people to watch, well, sign me up. I love for this stuff.

And yes, it IS your "beat," so you need to stick with it and keep reporting. Keep up the good fight. Do it for us, SGM.

Anonymous said...

keep watching the show!! its only been one episode and it all goes up from here.....Check out the bravo site for some bonus clips. Jill is hysterical with Ramona

pve design said...

why watch, when I can read all about it from you.
oh, my weak spirit. this just cannot be real?
what will they inscribe on their gravestone and will it be engraved?

Paige said...

you would think with all that money that homegirl could afford a dentist to do damage control on those hideous fangs of hers!! i guess that hideously tacky gown that looks like the sun is shining out of her hoo-ha is to distract from her face and sponge hair. ick. she makes ramona look like the '"cute" one and that chick is terrible!

I am Trish Marie said...

I haven't seen the show, but I felt the need to read Alex's website. Now I want to hunt her down and slap her over the head. Honey, sweetie. Learn what a run-on sentence is. And? It is nothing to brag about that you tuck your own children into bed. I do that EVERYNIGHT. I also, take my kids to school EVERYDAY. I win. Does that make me better? Just wondering.

Richie Designs said...

on the show she claimed she was in "visual merchandising" [which makes me think Gap]. There was no mention about her acting at all....something is smelling like a stinky kitty here.

the $$ are still not adding up. How long before they file bankruptcy?

holy fuck she's 34???? I am SO feeling good about myself right now despite the fact that I'm bleeding and feel like I'm a beached whale.

SGM said...

Thank God I am not alone in my "ugh" reaction to these people.
To those of you living in Canada--thank you for your concern. I was thinking more of the Yukon. Just me and my fam, in a teepee, in the Yukon. I have since reconsidered.
Mamacita--I too noticed the cell # and felt so tempted to call it.
Jennifer and Trish Marie, isn't Alex SO down to earth? I wonder if she dresses her kids too. Such a hero.
BA--Dakota Fanning! Thank you. And you're prob right about our first impression of OC.
Anon, I am so checking out that site.
Decorno and PVE, you must see this with your own eyes. I expect you both to be more on top of things next week!
Paige--sun shining out of her hoo haa: brilliant.
PF--I like your spelling of douchay even better!
Habitutally, I have strayed so far from my name.
Richie, I could not agree more, on everything!

SGM said...

P.S. Zakary--Don't feel badly, she's really awful.

Anonymous said...

I love Brillaint Asylum's comment about "an obviously closeted husband" . I was thinking the same thing while I was watching. My husband don't know half of what he does about fashion etc. Obviously closeted!

SGM said...

I just saw the Ugly Betty rape scene. I am scarred.

Sucker For Marketing said...

SGM, you forced me to watch it, and I too am scarred for life. I CANNOT STAND Alex's teeth nor her husband's acne-scarred face. Who are these people and where did they find them? Were there auditions for this show or did producers just hang out at the Met and pick the best of the worst?
I am kind of attracted to "the countess" but wonder about her hair too...and her poor daughter being sent to Martha's Vineyard for "detox?" Right! Looking forward to your continued reviews! :)

Anonymous said...

OK, I finally watched the first episode and I thought it was pretty boring. I have to say though that I thought Alex and her husband were the most interesting. I guess I would keep watching it just to see them weasle their way into NY society.
On Avery- I think she has highlights.

Sarah's Fab Day said...

You have pretty much nailed this on the head. The OC ladies were much more likeable, these NYC chics are like nails on a chalkboard to me. I love me some trash TV, but not even I can stand it.